Chapter 1

Brian leaned back in his seat in first class and looked out of the window at the clouds, sighing deeply. He was 30 minutes into his flight to Pittsburgh and in another hour he would be back in the city that held so many good memories, but also so many bad memories for him.

'Not going there,' Brian chided himself, turning away from the window and looking at the laptop monitor in front of him. He looked at some boring spreadsheet filled with numbers, hoping that it would distract him and would keep his mind from wandering where he didn't want it to wander.

He had just finished a three year contract with Kennedy and Collins in New York and while he had enjoyed the challenge of making it in a big ad firm on Madison Avenue – and of course he had made it and had quickly become one of their most trusted and successful advertising execs – it was now time to try something new and spread his wings a little further. It was time to find something new to sink his teeth into and he was now looking into opening his own agency. While he felt excited and ready for this big step, he also felt scared. It would be the first time in 3 years that he would go back to Pittsburgh.

At first he had even thought about going somewhere completely new. Maybe LA or Chicago and try to build his new agency in one of those cities that he hadn't conquered yet, but then he had to admit to himself that that wasn't really what he wanted. While he wasn't sure what he really wanted, or maybe he was sure and just wasn't ready to admit it to himself yet, he was sure that LA and Chicago weren't what he wanted now. Just like he didn't want to start his own agency in New York. He had enjoyed his time in the Big Apple and it had been a great experience, both personally as well as professionally, but when it had been time to make a decision, the decision to return to Pittsburgh had come surprisingly easy. And it wasn't like Pittsburgh held no bad memories for him at all.

'No, not going there,' Brian chided himself once more, trying even harder to concentrate on the spreadsheet in front of him and willing himself to just concentrate on the numbers and stop thinking about things he didn't want to think about.

It wasn't like he hadn't been back to Pittsburgh at all in the last three years. Ever since he had started with Kennedy and Collins, he had been back quite regularly to meet with some local clients. Kennedy and Collins had assigned him to their Pennsylvania clients as they claimed that he would be familiar with their needs and all, seeing how he was a local. He had mostly only ever flown in, done the meeting, stayed in some anonymous, big hotel for the night before going back to New York the next day. He had never stayed for longer than 24 hours at the most and during those hours he had been so busy with meetings and stuff that there just had been no time to think about any of those bad memories at all, for which Brian had been grateful at the time.

But now? Now he would be going back to Pittsburgh and for the first time in three years he would have time. Of course, he would still have to do some work on getting his agency started, but until the building that he wanted for his agency would be completely renovated, which was scheduled to be done in six weeks time, he would have time off and that would give him a lot of time to think about stuff he had tried to push from his mind for three years now.

'Damn, not going there!' Brian told himself once more, now getting slightly angry at himself for not being able to stop his thoughts from wandering where he didn't want them to wander. Thank God Michael would be there to pick him up at the airport and would distract him and keep him busy. At least Brian hoped so.

Brian would stay with Michael and his partner Ben in their house for the next two weeks until all his stuff from New York would arrive in Pittsburgh and then he would busy himself getting his new house ready. He had bought it a couple of months ago and was actually looking forward to making it his new home and he was looking forward to busying himself with unpacking boxes even more, knowing that it would keep him busy for at least a week or two, keeping him from thinking too much.

He was secretly glad that Michael had offered to have him stay with him and his partner not that Brian would ever admit it. Michael hadn't wanted Brian to live in an empty house with hardly any furniture and comfortable things there and had balked when Brian had suggested to move into a hotel until his stuff from New York would arrive in Pittsburgh. Brian had finally accepted the offer to stay with Michael, thinking that maybe it would actually be nice to get to spend some time with his best friend. Not that he would ever let Michael know that. When Michael had offered to let him stay, Brian had complained, bitched and moaned as had been expected of him, but in the end had given in, knowing that Michael wouldn't let him stay in a hotel anyway. And Brian was secretly glad for it. Even though he had claimed not to have looked back after he had left for New York, he had missed his friends and his strange Liberty Avenue family while he had been in New York. He would never tell them of course, but Brian was secretly glad to be back in the same city as Michael, Debbie and his sonny boy.

And he was really looking forward to spending some time with his son. It had been months since he had last seen Gus on a visit to Pittsburgh and he couldn't wait to see the little boy again, to listen to his excited squeals and laughter and to enjoy his good mood and just to be able to play with him and enjoy his presence. He loved his son and it was a pity that he didn't get to spend more time with him, so he would make the most of the weeks he would be staying with Michael and wouldn't have to work yet. It would give him time to reconnect with his old friends and his sonny boy.

Brian wondered at times if Michael might not only have asked him to stay with him and Ben because Brian's furniture would still be travelling to Pittsburgh, but also because he was slightly worried about Brian. Brian wasn't a fool and neither was Michael, even though he sometimes did a great job of pretending to be one and Brian knew that Michael had to be worried about Brian moving back to Pittsburgh. Michael had been there before when Brian had lived in Pittsburgh and had seen it all. The good and the bad and Brian wondered if Michael might have offered to let him stay in his house for a few weeks and have him stay with him and his partner, so he could keep an eye on Brian and check that he was okay. That he wasn't going back to his wicked ways of tricking, drinking and taking drugs.

Looking into himself, Brian wasn't even able to say for sure if he was okay or not. A lot of things had happened in recent weeks and his mind had been in a turmoil ever since he had made the decision to leave Kennedy and Collins and had known that he would go back to Pittsburgh. He couldn't really blame Michael for worrying.

'It is different,' Brian told himself, breathing in deeply, trying to push that worry aside. 'I am older, I've grown up and I am at a different place in my life. Clients will come. Hell, I even have my first account and will start working on it as soon as the office is set up. I am not going to lose myself. I will have to focus on the agency' He said to himself, surprised to see someone turning in his direction and frowning at him. 'Great, now I am even starting to speak to myself on a plane. So much for doing well, Kinney!'

Brian looked out of the window once more and thought back to the time he had lived in Pittsburgh before. He had been so young and had just finished his education and had started working at Ryder Advertising. He had ridden an euphoric high after becoming their youngest ad exec ever and had dreamed of all the doors that would open to him. At the same time he had worked on his personal image and had quickly become the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Every fag in Pittsburgh had wanted him and had wanted to be him. Everyone had envied him and he had lived a life of party, drugs and meaningless sex until... that one night under the streetlamp when he had met...

'No, not going there. Definitely not going there!'

He had continued with his life as normal, claiming that he didn't do love, relationships or any of that lesbionic shit all of his friends had started to look for and had continued to live his life as the Stud just as he had always done. Not quite, but... he had tried. His friends had all claimed that they could see through him and knew that he wasn't as cold and heartless as he had claimed to be, but he had tried to keep the image alive, no matter what. No matter how much it might have hurt the people... the one person that had really cared... no, not going there, Brian chided himself once more.

Brian had always had self-destructive tendencies, even as a teen, which really wasn't a surprise with how he had been raised and how he had grown up. He had loved the life of drinks, drugs and meaningless sex and if it meant an early death... well... all the greats had died young. He hadn't cared. Michael, Lindsay, Debbie... Justin... they had cared. But he himself hadn't. Not until he had gone to New York and lots of new opportunities had presented themselves to him. Suddenly he wasn't stuck in Pittsburgh any longer, suddenly he had New York at his feet and for that he needed to be focused, he needed to be at the top of his game. With time he had realised that his life in New York mostly consisted of work. Yes, he still went out occasionally, but definitely not as much as he had gone out in Pittsburgh. And really? It was only half as much fun to go out when people didn't consider him the Stud and the best thing since sliced bread. And he would never admit it to anyone, but he had also missed his friends. Going out wasn't nearly as much fun if he didn't have Emmett and Ted to make fun of, if he didn't have Michael to hang on to every word that came out of his mouth or if he didn't have Justin who had adored him as if he was a God walking the earth.

His life in New York had become pretty boring compared to his life in Pittsburgh and Michael was probably the only one of his friends who had seen through the facade and through the image Brian had tried to create of his life in New York. Michael had probably realised that most of Brian's oh so fantastic tales of conquests and drunken nights out weren't all that true and that his life wasn't all that he had tried to portray to his friends back in Pittsburgh.

Therefore Brian wasn't really surprised that Michael might be worried about him. He had watched him go down the self-destructive path of being the Stud of Liberty Avenue before and Brian couldn't blame him for worrying that he might fall back into that role again, now that he was returning to his old haunts in Pittsburgh.

'And now I don't even have Justin to anchor me like I had before,' Brian thought to himself, looking down at his hands, slowly starting to realise that no matter how much he didn't want to think those thoughts, they were invading his mind anyway.

Back then he had been in a non-relationship with Justin. The boy had been in love with him and Brian had liked the attention and his company. And if he was honest with himself, he had also liked the boy. Not that he had loved him, but over the time he had been in New York, Brian had started to realise how much he actually missed Justin. He had never realised before how Justin had been the only one in his group of friends who hadn't fallen for his bullshit and had always spoken his mind, no matter if Brian liked to hear it or not. The boy had had balls and had come after Brian, no matter how often Brian had told him that he wasn't interested. Which Brian knew had been a lie. He had been interested. Not in the picked fences and true love that the boy had been looking for, but in having someone by his side who stood up to him, challenged him and didn't just treat him like the Stud. Now he didn't have Justin in his life at all, didn't have anyone who would challenge him and contradict him if he did stupid shit. He hadn't talked to him once in the last three years, ever since that fateful day in the summer three years ago when he had found out that he had gotten the job in New York. The day it had all gone so wrong and had been the last time he had talked to Justin before the boy's heart had been broken into pieces and had been trampled upon by the very person that was supposed to look out for him. Justin had only been 17 at the time. Brian had been the adult and by now he had realised that it would have been his job to look out for the boy, even though he had never wanted that responsibility. Justin's mother and Debbie had been right though, he had taken the boy into his home, he had fucked him. And not only once. Over and over. He had given him hope when he should have been the adult and should have made sure the boy would be safe from people like him.

Knowing that fighting against it was futile, Brian finally allowed his thoughts to wander back to that fateful day. A day he hadn't thought about a lot in these last three years, the memory having been too painful to deal with.

“We're going to move to New York!“ Justin exclaimed once he had watched Brian hang up the phone, enveloping Brian in a crushing hug.

Brian looked at Justin with a raised eyebrow, giving voice to his confusion. “We are?” He asked, putting his hands on Justin's chest.

“Yes, we are. You got the job! You will be moving and I can't believe it... God, it will be so exciting. You and me in New York. All the museums and art schools there. All the colleges and universities... It's going to be fantastic!” Justin exclaimed, excitement showing in every fibre of his body and on his face. It was easy to see that he was beyond happy about this news and Brian could only wonder why.

“I will be moving,” Brian said, turning away from Justin and walking towards the kitchen island, picking up the bottle of water he had left there earlier before his phone had rung and Kennedy and Collins had confirmed that he had the position. “Who said anything about you?”

Justin eyed him from confused eyes. “What do you mean?”

“What I just said. I will be moving to New York. Who said anything about you?” Brian's voice sounded harsher than he had intended for, but really? What had Justin been thinking? That they were boyfriends and would be moving together? What the fuck? They had sex. That was it.

“But... you're... you're leaving me behind here?” Justin slowly began to realise what Brian was saying and looked at him from hurt eyes.

“We're not boyfriends, married or whatever else you think in that lesbionic head of yours. We had sex. That's it. I have a new job in New York and I will move and then I will have sex with other people there while you will continue going to school here and making your mommy and daddy happy and proud parents.”

“You... you can't just leave me here on my own,” Justin gasped, looking at Brian from wide eyes. “Where am I supposed to go? Where am I supposed to live? I can't go home...”

“That's really not my problem, is it? I told you before: We're not lovers, we're not married. You're not my responsibility. I am sure Debbie would only be too happy to have you stay with her.”

“And what about us?” Justin asked as the first tear ran down his cheek.

“Us? There is no us... Get that into your head. We had sex. That's it.”

“No... no... that's not it. I love you! I love you, Brian,” Justin was now pleading with the older man to realise what he was saying and he didn't care how pathetic it made him look. How could Brian say it was only sex? “And... you had sex with me more than once... That means something... You... you let me stay here... you care about me!”

“I felt sorry for you. And you have a great ass. Who would say no to a convenient piece of ass at his disposal? I am not an idiot, so definitely not me,” Brian didn't know what had made him say that, but the moment the words had left his mouth, he realised how he had gone too far. Those words had been too cruel. He didn't know what had made him say it, but he regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. Maybe... Maybe he was lashing out at Justin because the boy was right? No, definitely not. There was nothing between them but sex and it was about time the boy understood that.

Justin gasped and stumbled back at Brian's words as if he had been physically hit. “You don't mean that. I... I know you care about me, Brian.” Tears were no running down the boy's face and he looked at Brian in utter disbelief. “Why are you saying this?”

“Justin, get it into your head: You are NOT my boyfriend! I don't do boyfriends. I don't do relationships. I fuck and yes, I fucked you more than once, but really... it doesn't mean anything more than what it was. We fucked. And now I will be moving away to New York and we won't fuck anymore. End of story!”

“But I love you, Brian. You can't just leave me behind...I love you...,” Justin pleaded as the tears ran down his face.

“You don't know what love is. You're too young. You think you have to follow this hetero-normative bullshit idea of a relationship, picked fences and 2.4 children. Well, good luck with that. Maybe one day you'll find someone to play that role in your life, but it sure as hell won't be me. I have other goals in life.”

Justin angrily wiped away the tears on his face and just stared at Brian. “What about Gus?”

“What about him?” Brian asked, taking another sip from his water.

“You're just going to abandon him like you're abandoning me?

“I am not abandoning him. I am a sperm donor, nothing more. He has his mothers that will take care of him and will raise him.”

“And that's it?” Justin just stared at Brian in utter disbelief. “You love him. He's your son!”

“He is Lindsay's and Melanie's son. I am just the sperm donor. He will be alright.”

“How can you just abandon your own son?”

“I am not abandoning him. I was never supposed to be in his life anyway. So nothing will change for him.”

“What is wrong with you?” Justin looked at Brian as if he was looking at a stranger. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Acting? Sunshine, wake up. I am not acting. I have been offered a far better job than I have now. An opportunity I would be stupid not to take. I am sorry if you thought our sex meant more than it did, but it didn't. What do you expect me to do? To let this opportunity slip away because of some blond boy ass? Justin, we're speaking about my career here. Breaking the New York advertising market. This is a huge opportunity. I am not going to throw that away for some convenient fuck.”

“Or your own flesh and blood. Fuck you, Brian. Just fuck you!” Justin angrily stomped to the metal sliding door and pulled it open. “You are an asshole. And you are lying to yourself. I hope that one day you will wake up all alone and lonely and will realise what you could have had here in Pittsburgh.”

Brian just raised an eyebrow and snarked. “A life with you and my son in a two-storey house in a nice suburb? Kill me now!”

“You claim you hate all that, but if you would only allow yourself to open your eyes to what you really want, you would see that you are not so different from anyone else, Brian. But you're a coward! Too much of a coward to be honest with yourself!”

With that Justin stomped out of the loft and slammed the metal sliding door shut behind himself, leaving Brian on his own in the empty loft.

That had been the last time Brian had seen Justin. The boy hadn't shown up for Brian's farewell party which Michael had organised for him even though he had threatened to disembowel him if he did. He also hadn't seen the boy at Debbie's, at the diner or at Babylon afterwards. Justin had disappeared from his life that day and at the time Brian had been okay with that. It had been for the best for the boy to move on from his silly crush.

Over the course of the three years he had been in New York, Brian had often thought back to that conversation and how it had ended and he had often asked himself if maybe he had been too harsh. Maybe he had been too hurtful. Maybe Justin was right and there had been more between them than Brian had been ready to admit to himself. After all, Brian could honestly say to himself now that he had missed Justin's company and yes, he had also missed that ass. No matter how many nameless tricks he had fucked, no one had compared to Justin. Not a single one.

***

“Hey, good to see that you made it here safely,” Michael greeted Brian, engulfing him in a warm hug as he came into the arrivals hall.

“Yeah, took that bloody plane long enough,” Brian grumbled, thinking to himself that it had taken too long. The flight had been long enough to make him think about things he hadn't wanted to think about and he just wanted to get out of the airport, hoping that getting to Michael's place would occupy his thoughts and keep them away from going back to that day in the summer three years ago. “Let's get out of here, okay?”

Michael frowned, looked at Brian and for the first time realised how tired and exhausted he looked. “Are you okay? You look knackered.”

“Long flight, shitty dude sitting next to me. The usual. I just want to get somewhere nice and friendly, preferably with some drinks waiting for me,” Brian winked, trying his best to look nonchalantly about it.

Michael eyed him critically, wondering if that was really all there was to it, but he didn't get a lot of time to think about it, because Brian already moved towards the exit. Michael followed quickly behind him.

“Ben is really looking forward to having you stay with us,” Michael said next, trying to change the topic, for now believing Brian that he was just suffering from the flight.

“I bet,” Brian snarked, then settled into the passenger seat and watched as Michael drove away from the airport and towards his house.