Chapter 15

“Brian, can I ask you something?” Justin asked as he looked up at Brian from his favourite place in the armchair, just having spent half an hour watching Brian work on his laptop, waiting for him to be done.

“Sure. What is it?”

“Do you...do you know...do you know anything about what happened to Danny's body?” Justin started slowly at first, but then got it out in one quick rush, obviously having a hard time bringing up the topic.

Brian looked at him intently, watching Justin's face for any signs of how he was feeling about bringing up the topic, but he was only able to see slight hesitation there. He had already wondered for weeks when Justin would bring Danny up again. He had been at Brian's place for nearly five weeks now, but they hadn't talked once about what had happened that night at all and Justin hadn't brought up Danny either, which had confused Brian, because he would have expected Justin to be more upset about his death. At first he had blamed it on the detox, thinking that Justin might have had other things on his mind, but now, weeks later, Brian had been waiting for Justin to bring him up again. He slowly shook his head, giving Justin an honest answer to his question.

“No.”

“Oh, okay,” Justin just replied before turning away from Brian and looking out at the garden.

“Can I ask you something, Justin?” Brian asked a few minutes later as he settled on the floor in front of the armchair, looking at Justin's sad face.

The younger man only nodded in answer, looking right back at Brian.

“Did you love him?”

“I am not sure,” Justin lowered his eyes, breaking eye contact with Brian.

Brian only frowned at that, but knew that there had to be more of an answer. “Why not?”

Justin shrugged. “I...I think I did and...I think I loved him at some point, but...I didn't love him with all my heart. I don't think I ever did. He was there and he wanted me, but...I think what he wanted even more was the money he thought I had because I was raised a Wasp and...when the bit of money that I had was gone and...when I had sold stuff and that money was gone as well...things changed and...I don't think he really loved me and that realisation made me stop loving him...”

Brian wondered about what Justin had said and couldn't help but think back to that day so many months ago when Justin had fallen asleep in his bedroom and when Brian had seen bruises covering his body. “Did he hurt you?”

Justin only nodded once, very quickly. “He...he had a temper and...when people didn't do what he wanted them to do...he could get angry...very angry and...at the time I didn't care...I even thought that I deserved it when he punished me, but...looking back at it now...I don't think that he ever loved me like I loved him. I cared about him and he was there and took care of me in his own way, but...it was fucked-up, just like the rest of my life and...some of the things he did...you don't do that if you love someone and...I think that I knew that even in my drugged mind, but...he was the only one I had, so...I just took it all in and thought that that was how it was supposed to be.”

“He gave you those bruises on your body when...when you came here for the first time, didn't he?” Brian asked gently, not able to control his anger at Danny. He had known that he had been a jerk, had seen it with his own eyes, but he had at least given him the benefit of the doubt where Justin had been concerned, thinking that he might have behaved differently with Justin, but hearing Justin say now that Danny had hurt him, made Brian glad that the guy was already dead. How anyone could hurt Justin was beyond him and he felt red-hot fury go through him as images of Danny beating Justin came to his mind.

“I...I was supposed to get money for him, he...he needed money to pay off some partner of his and...I was supposed to help him get the money, but...I couldn't get enough and...he got angry...,” Justin told Brian quietly, his face a mask of pain.

Something in Justin's eyes made Brian frown and a sick feeling settled in his stomach, knowing even before he asked Justin where he had been supposed to get that money.

“Where were you supposed to get that money? You didn't have any.”

Justin pulled up his knees to his chest and hid his head in his arms which he rested on his knees. His voice was muffled, but Brian still heard every single word and his heart broke with every syllable that Justin pressed out.

“He made me work the streets...he...he forced me to sleep with people for money...He said that...that I had a pretty face and had a great ass and...that people would pay to fuck me, but...I was so drugged up...I...I couldn't get enough money and...he got angry.”

Brian held out a hand and rested it on Justin's leg, rubbing it in comfort. “I am so sorry, Justin. So sorry.”

When Justin looked up, Brian was surprised to see him laughing, even though it was a cold, cruel laughter.

“Wanna know what's really pathetic? I didn't care...I didn't care that he made me sleep with people I didn't even know for money. I felt dirty, but...not nearly as much as I should have and...I thought it was just the way it was supposed to be. That it was part of the deal of being his boyfriend. That I could get his love by going along with what he wanted me to do.”

“If he had really loved you, he would have never asked you to do that. Love doesn't work like that,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin sadly, thinking that he would have never made Justin do something like that for money, no matter what. He didn't believe in love and yet he couldn't even bear the thought of Justin being with someone else against his will for money and he couldn't have lived with himself if he had ever pressured Justin into selling his body. It would have killed him and to know that another man had done that to Justin and that Justin had felt like he needed to go along with it to get that man's love, it broke his heart.

“How can you even stand to look at me? After all I've told you...how can you even stand to have me in your house?” Justin asked, looking at Brian intently, apparently seriously wondering about that and not knowing the answer, which made Brian sad, because he thought that Justin would know by now.

“Because I know the real you and know that this wasn't you. You were addicted and...addictions make people do things they would never do normally and...I just know what the real you is like, Justin!”

“At least one of us knows,” Justin gave back before a sob wracked his body and he started crying, his whole body shaking with the force of it. “I...I don't know anymore...,” he whispered through his tears, burying his head in his hands, making Brian get up and settle on the arm of the armchair, taking Justin into his arms.

There had been a lot of tears and a lot of crying in recent weeks and Brian knew that there would still be a lot more to come with all the things that Justin would have to work through and Brian could only imagine how painful it had to be to face up to some of the things he had done in the past, and all he could do was hold him and be there for him, trying to comfort him as best as he could, which he knew wasn't very well.

“You'll find out again...I am sure of it...you'll find yourself again,” Brian soothed the crying man in his arms, holding him tight until he had fallen into an exhausted sleep at his side. He pulled back slightly and looked at Justin's peaceful sleeping form, wiping away some of the tears that were still on his face. “You're going to find your way again.”

***

Brian had needed two days to work up his nerve to bring up Danny again, wanting to make sure that Justin was really okay and wasn't just pretending. Because once he had woken up again after that breakdown, he had acted as if nothing had ever happened and Brian wasn't too sure if it was because Justin was really okay or just pretending.

“Do you want me to find out?” Brian asked as they were watching a movie on his couch, Justin eating some popcorn with pleasure.

“Find out what?” Justin frowned, obviously not knowing what Brian was talking about, which wasn't really a surprise to Brian since his question had come out of the blue.

“You...you asked if I knew anything about what had happened to Danny's body. I am sure there's a way to find out. Do you want me to?” He explained, watching Justin's face, watching the emotions on it, seeing his frown deepen and his eyes darken.

Brian could see that Justin was seriously thinking about his question before he slowly shook his head. “No, I don't think so.”

“Okay,” Brian just said, accepting Justin's answer.

“I...I think that maybe...maybe it's just best to try and leave behind that part of my life once and for all, you know? I...I am not sure what good knowing would do,” Justin went on, looking at Brian for understanding, feeling relieved when he saw it on Brian's face and saw him nod in agreement.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Brian said before he decided that he didn't want the atmosphere to get too heavy and tried to lighten the mood by reaching over and taking the bowl of popcorn from Justin. He took a huge handful of popcorn out of it and ate it with pleasure, smirking at the younger man.

“Hey, that's mine,” Justin immediately exclaimed, trying to get the bowl back from Brian who started throwing popcorn in Justin's direction, making him laugh. “You are so childish at times, you know that?”

Brian only threw some more popcorn in Justin's direction, laughing as well. “That's why you like me. Deal with it,” he smirked when he saw Justin picking up some of the popcorn that Brian had thrown at him and saw him throw it right back.

“Oh I will. Trust me.”

They spent another ten minutes throwing popcorn at each other before they collapsed in laughter and for the first time in months, Brian had heard real laugh coming from Justin and that sound had made him happier than he had felt in a long time.

***

“Is it true? Where is he?” Emmett burst into Brian's house, not even bothering to greet his surprised friend who just looked at him with wide eyes, clearly not having expected to see him.

“Emmett?”

“Michael said...where is he?” Emmett asked once more, frowning at Brian, obviously wanting to see Justin and feeling quite disappointed when he didn't see him right away in the hallway.

“If you're talking about Justin, he's taking a nap,” Brian told his friend calmly, wondering what he was doing at his home. “What are you doing here?”

“Well...Michael said that Justin was here and that he has detoxed at your house. I guess I wanted to see if he was right,” Emmett explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So...you just came by without even bothering to call and wanted to see for yourself?” Brian asked, shaking his head slightly in annoyance.

“Yeah...well...I guess I should have called, right?” Emmett asked, suddenly feeling a bit unsure about just showing up at Brian's place like that without announcing his visit. He suddenly realised that maybe in this case he should have called first to check with Brian if coming over was okay. “Sorry, I...I think I just got carried away with it.”

“It's alright. Why don't we have a drink?” Brian sighed as he ushered Emmett into the living-room, picking up some beers from the kitchen and handing one to his guest.

“So...Michael was right?” Emmett asked, looking at Brian wide-eyed.

“Depends on what he told you,” Brian shrugged, wondering what Michael would have said to Emmett. Michael had been over at least twice a week and a week ago, Brian had left Justin on his own for the first time since his withdrawal, going over to the munchers place to spend some time with Gus and then have a beer with Michael at Woodie's, but Michael had yet to talk to Justin. He mostly came over to see Brian and to check on him and would meet him outside at the car. Brian didn't really know why Michael never came in. In the beginning he had just assumed that he didn't want to pressure Justin into having to see people, but now...after nearly two months, he wasn't quite sure if that was really the reason or if there was another reason. He had wanted to ask Michael to come in the last time, but then Ben had called with an emergency and he had to leave anyway. Brian would definitely have to ask him some time soon.

“That Justin was staying at your place and had detoxed here and was now living here,” Emmett gave Brian the short version, looking at his friend for confirmation.

“Well, that's true,” Brian confirmed, watching as the tall queen's eyes widened.

“He...he really detoxed?” Emmett asked in clear disbelief and Brian only nodded, by now quite able to understand why Emmett might have such a hard time believing that. Brian had only seen Justin for a couple of months, Emmett had watched him self-destruct for the better part of three years, so Brian couldn't quite blame him for being disbelieving.

“Yep, he did. He's been staying here for eight weeks now and has been clean ever since,” Brian told Emmett, not quite able to hide the pride from his voice. He was proud of Justin for having managed to go through with his withdrawal and he didn't care what Emmett might think about it.

“Woah...that's just...,”

“Unexpected?” Brian supplied, chuckling at Emmett's shocked face.

“Yeah, you can say that. How did you get him to agree to that?”

Brian shrugged. “Not quite sure, but...for the most part he wanted help and I just offered it to him.”

“But...he never wanted our help,” Emmett voiced, looking at Brian in surprise. “Why would he just take yours?”

Not feeling like getting into too much detail and not wanting to give Emmett too much info that Justin might consider private and might not want him to know, Brian just shrugged once more. “I guess he realised that something needed to change and that he couldn't go on like that.”

“And then you had him detox here at your house?”

“Yeah...it was the only way it would have worked. He didn't want to go to a clinic, so...we did it here.”

“That must have been hard,” Emmett looked at Brian in sympathy, not surprised when his friend nodded.

“You've got no idea. The first weeks were hell...there's just no other word for it, but...after two weeks...the worst was over and he's already a lot better now.”

“And now he's taking a nap in the middle of the day when I come over to see him? That's no way to treat a guest,” Emmett huffed, making Brian chuckle.

“He's lost a lot of weight and it's still going to take some time till he'll be back to his old self. He still has to gain a lot of weight and...there are issues that he needs to work through and...he still needs a lot of rest,” Brian explained when he heard a sound on the stairs, soon after followed by a voice calling out for him.

“Brian? You wouldn't have a coffee ready, would you? God, I can really do with a strong one now,” the voice called out to him as the owner of the voice made his way into the living-room, obviously not having noticed that Brian had a visitor. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Emmett there with Brian.

“Oh,” Justin just breathed, before he turned around and made his way back out of the room, mumbling a quick “I'll wait upstairs”.

“No, wait. Come here and sit down with us,” Brian urged, getting up and walking after Justin, catching his arm just as he had already taken the first step.

“No, I should wait and let you two talk,” Justin muttered, trying to get his hand out of Brian's grasp, looking at him in annoyance when he wouldn't let go of him.

“Emmett came by to see you,” Brian said quietly. “He wanted to see how you were doing. Come and join us for a bit.”

Justin looked at Brian and Brian could easily recognise the emotions dancing across his face. There was fear, and Brian wondered what Justin was so scared about, but mostly there was uncertainty and Brian squeezed Justin's hand in his, looking at him intently.

“He's your friend, Justin and you can't hide from the world forever. Go and talk to him and I'll get you that coffee, okay?”

Justin eyed Brian doubtfully, but in the end nodded slowly, making his way down from the step again.

“He won't bite,” Brian encouraged as he led Justin into the living-room where Emmett had been waiting for them to return. He threw Emmett a quick look, trying to convey to him that he better be nice since it was obvious that Justin was terrified.

“Why don't you two catch up a bit while I get that coffee ready?” Brian suggested, before he squeezed Justin's hand once more and then let go of it and left for the kitchen, hoping that this wouldn't end in a big disaster.

Justin just stood in the doorway, obviously having no intention to move and Emmett just looked at him, putting on his most encouraging smile. “Hey...”

“Hey,” Justin replied timidly, not having moved an inch since Brian had left from his side.

“You look good, Justin. Really good,” Emmett said sincerely, trying to show Justin that he had nothing to be nervous of.

“Thanks,” he replied quietly.

“So...Brian tells me that you're doing a lot better now. I am happy to hear that and...to also see it.”

Justin only nodded in reply to that, which made Emmett frown.

“You don't have to be scared of me, Justin. I am your friend,” he said quietly as he looked at the younger man sadly.

“That's not what you said when we met last year,” Justin replied carefully, avoiding Emmett's eyes and looking at his own hands instead.

Emmett sighed and got up. He slowly moved over to where Justin stood, but immediately raised his hands when he saw Justin take a frightened step back. “Hey...don't be afraid of me. I...I know that we said things that...weren't nice and...I know that some things happened that...weren't nice either, but...I am glad to see that you're doing better, Justin and I just wanted to come by and see it for myself, but...if it makes you this uncomfortable, maybe I should better leave.”

Justin slowly raised his eyes and looked at Emmett's face and Emmett smiled gently at him. “What I said...it wasn't directed at you, Justin...it was directed at that drugged freak that you had become, but...I can see that you're not like that anymore and...I am your friend.”

“I am sorry,” Justin whispered, looking at Emmett from sad eyes. “Sorry for everything and...I...I never meant for things to...to get so out of control,” he apologised and Emmett just waved that apology away, still smiling his gap-toothed smile at Justin.

“That's in the past, Justin. A past that we should just leave behind. You're doing better now and you already look so much better and...you have no idea how relieved I am to see you doing well and...maybe we can just forget about all that shit and start new. I always quite liked the Justin that wasn't a drugged up junkie and...I wonder if I might like him again now that he's back,” Emmett said gently, looking at Justin from warm, caring eyes. “If you want that, that is. I can also just go and fuck off, if this is too soon or too much.”

Justin shook his head, looking at Emmett from his big eyes, eyes that were now filled with unshed tears. “I would like that.”

“You would like it if I fucked off?” Emmett winked, already knowing that that wasn't what Justin had meant, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

“No,” Justin chuckled slightly, smiling at Emmett. “I'd like it if you stayed and...if we could just leave the past behind.”

Emmett grinned at Justin. “Now that's more like it,” he whispered as he walked closer and when he didn't see Justin protesting this time, he took him in his arms and hugged him tight. “I missed you, Baby,” he whispered, making Justin smile as the first tears left his eyes.

Brian watched them from the doorway, feeling his heart warm at the scene of Emmett hugging Justin, knowing that it had been yet another step in the right direction for the younger man to face one of his old friends and to talk to him, trying to patch up their friendship. Justin could do with friends on his side and he was glad that Emmett still wanted to be Justin's friend, no matter what might have happened between them in the past.