Chapter 19

In the days after the trial things started to calm down once more and Brian was glad to see Justin return more to his post-detox self. He was talking more again and also started spending more time outside his room with Brian once more, which was a great relief to Brian who had been worried about Justin's behaviour in recent days.

Justin had been assigned a probation officer and had met with him for the first time about a week after the trial. He had been informed about where he would have to do his community service and had also been given the name of an outpatient rehab programme that he would have to attend.

It had been decided that Justin would meet with the rehab programme first and they would then decide if he was already up for doing his community service or if he would only have to do it at a later time, focusing on his rehab for now.

Justin hadn't really liked the idea of having to go to an outpatient rehab programme. He felt like he had been doing just fine on his own and with Brian's and his friends' help, but since it was part of the sentence, he didn't have much choice and went without complaining. And who knew? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing after all to get some professional help.

After his first meeting with his advisor at the rehab programme, it had been decided that Justin would take part in a support group for former drug users once a week as well as meeting with a psychologist once a week to check on how he was doing and after three weeks of doing so, he had been deemed ready to start his community service which he had to do in an Aids hospice.

About a month after he had been sentenced, Justin had started doing his community service and had quite surprisingly found that he liked it. He liked having a reason to get up and liked having something to do and was also quite glad about the work because it kept him occupied and busy, making him stop thinking too much about things he shouldn't think about at all. He also liked working at the hospice, enjoyed spending time with the patients, listening to their stories and brightening their day by just giving them some of his time and Brian was glad to see that Justin had improved even more ever since he had started both the community service as well as the outpatient rehab programme.

He was laughing more and seemed less tense and it did Brian good to see Justin further improving. His probation officer had been quite happy with his progress and it looked as if Justin had really left his dark past behind him once and for all, which was a relief to both his family and his friends with whom Justin had tried to rebuild relationships in recent months.

Seeing him get better and improve and seeing that he was serious about turning his life around and was willing to make this last chance that he had been given work, had made patching things up with old friends and his family easier, because they could see that Justin had really changed and was willing to make this work and Brian was glad when most people offered Justin their support over time, allowing him a second chance and letting him back into their lives.

Even Michael had given Justin that chance and Brian had been beyond happy to see them trying to patch up things and rebuild a new friendship. He still had a feeling that Justin could do with support from his friends and family and he was glad that he was getting it and that people were acknowledging the hard work he had done in recent months.

And Brian had decided that that hard work was worth getting celebrated and had therefore prepared (which in his case meant ordered) a surprise dinner for Justin for when he came home from his session with his psychologist.

Brian looked at the set table, looked at the food that was in the oven to stay warm and wondered if Justin even knew what day it was and if he was even aware of how special it was. He would soon find out.

When Justin arrived back home, he was beyond surprised to see the set table and to see that Brian had already prepared dinner and what appeared to be a special dinner at that. He frowned at Brian who was smiling rather sheepishly, not able to keep a smile off his face himself. “Brian?”

“Surprise!” Brian just announced, waving his arms like a circus director, pointing at the set table and the food.

“What's the occasion?” Justin laughed at Brian's antics as he took everything in.

'So he doesn't know' Brian smiled to himself, leading Justin over to the table and sitting down with him. “You're going to find out.”

“Okay,” Justin muttered, realising that Brian wouldn't say anything more for now. They enjoyed their dinner, talking about how their day had been and what they had both done.

Brian then got up and returned a minute later. Justin looked at him in confusion when he carried a small wrapped something in his hand, smiling brightly.

“It's not my birthday, is it?” Justin joked, knowing full well that that was still months away. “And you don't celebrate them anyway.”

“Nope...,” Brian agreed, sitting down in his place again.

“But you have a present for me...,” Justin stated slowly, looking at Brian for confirmation, who only nodded.

“Why?”

“I don't celebrate birthdays, but I celebrate achievements and today is the anniversary of a very special achievement. Do you know what day is today?” Brian asked as his voice turned quite emotional.

Justin pondered Brian's question for a bit, thinking about it. He knew that it was Wednesday, but he was pretty sure that Brian didn't want to know that and hadn't organised all this to celebrate it being Wednesday, so in the end he shook his head unknowingly.

“Six months ago you came here and started detoxing here, so...you've been without drugs for six months now and I thought that deserved some kind of celebration,” Brian said emotionally, making Justin's eyes widen and look back at him quite dumbfounded.

“Six months?” Justin muttered in obvious surprise and Brian nodded, his smile growing wider.

“Here, unwrap this. I thought you might want to have these back.”

He handed Justin the wrapped present who looked from it to Brian and back.

“What is it?”

“Unwrap it,” Brian repeated, watching as Justin did as he was told.

He gasped when he recognised the wooden box and the envelope underneath it. “Where....where did you get this?” He asked and Brian wasn't surprised to hear the tears in his voice.

“Debbie gave it to me months ago because she thought that it might mean more to me than to her and...I think with you having been clean for six months now...it's time you got these back,” he explained and watched as Justin slowly opened the wooden box and looked at the sketches inside it, slowly picking them up, first one, then another and another and looking at them closely from teary eyes before opening the envelope and looking at the pictures inside.

“I know it's not really a present since these belong to you anyway, but...I thought you might want to have them back now,” Brian went on, happy that his surprise had obviously worked, judging by how touched Justin seemed to be.

“Thank you, Brian,” he whispered, still looking at the items he had just unwrapped in awe.

“You're welcome! I guess...I guess these must have been important to you if you gave them to Debbie to hide them.”

Justin nodded slowly before he looked up at Brian, a small tear making its way down his cheek. “Reminders of a better time.”

“You sold other reminders,” Brian pointed out quietly.

“I...I couldn't sell these,” Justin said looking at the pictures and then at the sketches. “God knows enough horny fags would have probably wanted the sketches, but I...I couldn't do that to you and...I didn't want to...It was the best time of my life and...I wanted to hold onto that...I wanted to keep something to remind me of that good time and...if I had sold any of this...I wouldn't have had anything left of that time.”

Brian could understand that sentiment and he wasn't blind to the longing in Justin's voice when he had mentioned it being the best time of his life. Brian wordlessly went over and took him in his arms, holding him tight. “You have a chance of getting it back now,” he whispered.

Justin had by now started crying harder and sniffed in Brian's arms. “Not all of it.”

Brian knew that Justin was referring to them, was referring to a possible relationship and he didn't quite know what made him say it, but as he said it, he knew that it was the truth anyway. “You never know. Maybe there is still a chance to get it all back.”

Justin pulled back from Brian with a start and looked at his face, searching it for clues of the truth of his statement. Apparently he must have seen something in Brian's eyes or on his face because next thing he did, he pressed his lips against Brian's, kissing him, begging for entrance. When it wasn't granted, he looked back at Brian's face in confusion before his own face fell as he saw the look of sorrow on the older man's face.

Thinking that he had misunderstood Brian's words and his look or had seen something that hadn't even been there to begin with, Justin pulled back hastily and ran for the door, Brian looking after him in shock.

“Justin! Wait!” He called after the running man, but Justin made no move to do so and just opened the front door of the house and continued running.

When Brian heard the door, he shook his head as if to clear it, processing what had just happened in his kitchen, knowing that it was all one big misunderstanding and that he needed to make Justin understand. He had gotten it so wrong, Brian just knew it.

Running after him, Brian cursed when he saw that Justin had already left the house. Following him outside, Brian ran to the end of his drive, looking up and down the street that was covered by darkness, not able to see any sign of the younger man.

“Justin!” He cried, but wasn't surprised when he didn't get much of a reaction except for a neighbour's dog starting to bark.

“Shit, shit, shit!” He cursed as he made his way back inside, hoping that Justin had just run off to cool off and would be back soon so Brian could explain his behaviour which must have been confusing to the younger man.

***

Brian waited for six hours for Justin to return, but there was no sign of him. It was well past midnight and Brian was slowly starting to get worried. He had tried calling all their friends, had tried calling Debbie, but no one had seen or heard from Justin all day.

It was obvious that Justin hadn't run to one of his friends and even though Brian knew that Justin was old enough to spend a night on his own, had probably done so many times before in worse parts of town, he felt a bad feeling creep up on him and felt shivers run down his spine again and again. In the end he couldn't take the waiting any longer, so he left his house and started to look for Justin. He had no idea where he should even start looking for him, but he knew that he had to do something and couldn't just sit back and wait.

As he drove around town, keeping an eye out for Justin, it started raining and Brian cursed even more, hoping that Justin wasn't outside somewhere, but had found cover from the rain.

After two hours of looking for Justin, Brian felt desperate and drove back home, hoping that Justin had returned by now, which he hadn't. Instead Brian found Michael there, who looked beyond worried.

“Have you found him?” He asked as he looked at Brian who just shook his head.

“I have no idea where he could be...,” Brian whispered, after he had told Michael what had happened and what had made Justin run away.

“Do you...do you think he could have gone back?” Michael asked in obvious worry, looking at Brian intently.

“Why would he?” Brian asked, before he realised what Michael had implied. For years Justin had looked for solace in drugs when he couldn't cope with reality and Brian remembered well how Justin had told him once that he had only felt good and alive when he had been taking drugs and he felt his intestines grow cold as a new fear grabbed him. “Oh god...please not...please not...”

Justin had obviously been hurt by Brian's behaviour and normally he dealt with hurt by talking to friends, seeking solace there, but it was obvious that he hadn't done so this time and taking drugs had been the only other way of comfort Justin had known in recent years and Brian hoped that he hadn't driven him back to that with his stupid behaviour.

He jumped up from the couch, making Michael look after him in confusion. “Where are you going?”

“Looking for him,” Brian just muttered like a man possessed and Michael looked after him fearfully.

“You think...you think he went back to Larimer?”

“I don't know, but...I have to check. I am running out of places to look for him,” Brian said agitatedly, looking at Michael in anger when he grabbed his arm. “Don't stop me, Michael! I have to look for him!”

“Wasn't going to...but I am going to come along,” the shortner man replied calmly, following Brian out of the door who didn't even seem to want to fight him on that, but just wanted to get going. Ever since Michael had brought it up, he just knew that Justin was there. He just knew it. He didn't know how, but his gut feeling told him so.

Less than 20 minutes later they arrived at their destination, parking the car and slowly walking the streets, looking for Justin. Brian checked several bars where he had seen Justin before, knowing that they would be open all night, but couldn't see him anywhere and after looking for him for more than an hour in the pouring rain, he had to admit to Michael that this was useless. If Justin didn't want to be found, they wouldn't find him. He knew this part of town way better than they did, knew people there and Brian just knew that there was nothing that they could do.

They walked back to the car and were on their way back to Brian's place when they passed a cemetery and Brian suddenly stopped the car. He checked the name on the gate that marked the entrance to the graveyard and suddenly knew where he would find Justin.

“Brian?” Michael asked in confusion as Brian stopped the car and turned it off, obviously ready to get out there.

“I think I know where he is,” Brian said, looking at Michael darkly. “Wait here. Just have to check something.”

Michael was about to protest, but knew from the look on Brian's face that it was futile, so he kept his mouth shut and just nodded, wondering what Brian might have realised upon passing this cemetery.

Brian got out and entered the cemetery, walking the rows of graves, looking for Justin. He didn't quite know how Justin might have found out that Danny was buried here, seeing how he had said to Brian that he didn't want to know and wanted to close that chapter of his life once and for all, but he figured that if Justin had come back to Larimer, he could have found out quite quickly. People in this part of town probably knew and could have told him. Why Justin would have come here, he didn't know however, yet he was absolutely sure that he would find him here.

After several minutes of walking the cemetery, drenched to the bone by the rain that was still falling, Brian finally saw what he had been looking for and sighed in relief when he saw Justin's form kneeling in front of a grave.

As he came closer, he could see that Justin was shaking, most likely from crying and he wordlessly knelt down beside him, taking his hand.

“You worried me,” he whispered, looking at Justin's face, where droplets of rain were running down his face from his wet hair. He knew that there were also tears mixed with the rain.

“Leave me alone,” Justin said, without looking at Brian, but looking at something else and when Brian followed his gaze, his heart sank and he could hardly stop himself from gasping out loud. In front of Justin lay a small transparent bag filled with white powder and he knew without a doubt that it was cocaine. As far as he could see the bag hadn't been opened yet, which made him relax quite a bit. He also knew that screaming and crying wouldn't help and that he needed to stay calm if he wanted to get through to Justin.

“Why did you come here?”

“Why do you care?” Justin angrily asked back, turning his head to Brian and glaring at him. “Fuck off!”

“No...I will not,” Brian replied quietly, looking at Justin intently. “I love you too much to leave you alone now.”

Brian seemed as shocked as Justin did at the words that had just left his mouth. But the more he considered what he had said, the more he knew that it had been the truth.

“Love my ass...,” Justin spat, turning his attention back to Danny's grave. “You don't love me...just like he never loved me...no one loves me...”

“I love you, Justin!” Brian said sincerely.

“Why are you lying to me? Do you think I am stupid enough to not realise what a refused kiss means?” Justin angrily retorted, not even looking at Brian. “And don't worry, I remember your mantra about no relationships and no love. They make your dick soft, don't they?”

“Look at me,” Brian said, repeating his plea when Justin didn't move. “Please! Look at me!”

When Justin slowly turned his pain filled eyes on Brian, Brian repeated his earlier sentiment, hoping that Justin would see the truth in his eyes.

“I love you, Justin! More than anything!”

Justin gasped and Brian knew that he had seen the truth in his eyes. “But...you...you...”

“I didn't kiss you back?” Brian provided, making Justin nod. “I don't do love and relationships?” Justin only nodded again.

He smiled gently as he wiped a wet strand of hair out of Justin's face. “You were always hot-headed. If you had just let me explain there,” he sighed. “I love you and I mean it, but...this is too soon, Justin. You're not ready for a relationship now and... I have no experience at one either... we're two idiots who are both not ready for a commitment like that. That's why I didn't kiss you back earlier in the kitchen.”

“But...but...”

“I know you want this and...believe me, it makes me happier than I've been in a long time, but...you still need some more time, Justin. You are trying to get your life back on track and there are still issues that need to be addressed and need to be worked through and...jumping into a relationship now...it can only end badly and...I don't want it to. I want us to make this work, Justin! And more than anything that's the reason why we can't start anything now. You need to get your life back first and...I need to figure some shit out as well and when you and I have done that...then we can start thinking about us,” Brian explained as he gently caressed Justin's cheek, Justin leaning into the touch.

“I need you now,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from pained and sad eyes. “I...I need you.”

“I know,” Brian whispered back. “And you have me. But for now I can help you better by being a friend than by being a lover, Justin. If you want to...we can think about us once you're back to your old self and have gotten your life back, but for now...there's still so much going on in your life and...it's best if we just stay friends for that...But I promise you, I will give you all the time that you need and I will use that time to... figure out some shit myself. I won't give up on you, Justin and I won't give up on us,” Brian promised, making Justin sob.

“I love you! And I will wait till we're ready for this,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin close when he nodded, kissing him gently on his forehead.

“I love you,” Justin cried, resting his head against Brian's chest, feeling his arms go around him.

“I know,” Brian smiled, gently stroking Justin's back, trying to comfort him. “We'll make it work. I just know it.”

They stayed like that for several minutes, neither of them caring about the rain, being drenched to the bones anyway, before Justin pulled back and looked at Brian in embarrassment.

“I am sorry...I...I didn't mean to run away like a scared child.”

“Shhhh, it's okay...nothing happened,” Brian looked at the small bag with the cocaine. “Right?”

Justin's eyes followed Brian's and landed on the bag as well and he hung his head in shame.

“No...I didn't take it...I couldn't...I wanted to so badly...I...I was so hurt and...I thought...I thought it was the only thing that could make me feel better, but...I couldn't take it.”

Brian felt relieved and looked at the small bag in disgust. “Good.”

“I couldn't because of you,” Justin whispered, looking up at Brian.

“Me?” Brian frowned.

“I...I knew you'd be so disappointed and...I didn't want to disappoint you...I...I couldn't disappoint you. Not after all you've done for me...”

“Come here,” Brian held out his arms to Justin and took him in them once more, knowing that they would have to talk about what had happened that night once more. He knew that they would have to talk about Justin's coping mechanisms and would have to talk about the fact that he even went back and bought that bag of cocaine, but he also knew that that wouldn't be tonight. Tonight he was just relieved to have found Justin and to know that he was okay. They would talk about it again, but another time.

A couple of minutes later, Michael sighed in relief when he saw not only Brian, but also Justin coming his way, already having gotten worried when Brian had stayed away for so long. He saw Brian shaking his head slightly and got the hint that this wasn't the time to get at Justin for having run off and he agreed, looking at the small man sadly who seemed extremely shocked to see him waiting in the car.

“Everything okay?” He just asked instead and was glad when he saw both Brian and Justin nod and saw Justin coming over to his side of the car, looking at him from tired eyes.

“I am sorry,” he just said and Michael knew from the look on his face that he really was.

“It's okay. As long as you're okay.”

“I am,” Justin whispered, a small smile appearing on his face as he looked at Brian. “I am.”