Chapter 20

The next couple of days were spent talking a lot about what had happened that night when Justin had run off. Brian could see that Justin was embarrassed by his own behaviour and felt bad for it, but he didn't feel much like making things easy on Justin this time. Justin needed to learn that there were consequences for his actions and Brian pointed out what could have happened if Justin had been caught with the cocaine. Justin could be in prison now if he had run into police that night. He knew that Justin hadn't thought about that at the time, that much had been apparent, but he needed the younger man to understand that he couldn't behave like that anymore.

Brian tried to make him see that he needed to find other ways to cope with disappointment and hurt feelings, while at the same time also trying to make him see that the behaviour from that night only confirmed Brian's belief that Justin wasn't ready for a relationship of any kind yet.

“I can't be worried about you running off and doing drugs somewhere every time we might have a fight. I need to be able to trust you...I need to know that you can cope in different ways before we can take this any further,” he had explained to Justin who had just looked very serious and had nodded. Brian knew that Justin knew all that himself, but he needed him to understand that Brian also had concerns and needed to watch out for himself as well.

They also talked about the relationship between them and how they would go on now. Justin knew that Brian was right and that friendship was all he was really ready for at this point in his life. He had proven that with his behaviour that night. Not wanting to make things harder on Brian, who apparently also loved him, Justin offered to move out, offered to move into his old room at Debbie's place or somewhere else and Brian had just looked at him in utter shock.

“What?”

“I...I don't want to make this harder on you than...than it needs to be,” Justin told him, looking at Brian seriously. “I...I don't want things to get uncomfortable.”

Brian had just laughed out loud at that, making Justin frown. “Okay...have things been uncomfortable these last weeks?”

“No, but...,” Justin started, but was stopped by Brian's raised hand.

“Do you really think I only realised that I love you that night? I've known for a long time, Justin and...things haven't been uncomfortable so far, have they? Why should they get uncomfortable now?”

“Well...now I know,” Justin said, frowning when Brian took his hand.

“Hey, for now we're friends and as my friend, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I like having you around here, Justin. You make this house home and...I don't want you to move out, but...if things are too uncomfortable for you, I won't stop you. I want you to feel okay and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable here,” Brian then looked at him, already seeing the answer in Justin's face.

“I don't.”

“Then I am sure we'll find a way to get on without things getting uncomfortable or complicated,” Brian promised and so Justin had stayed.

It had taken Brian another week to work up his nerve to address an issue that had been on his mind for quite some time already. He knew that bringing it up would be painful for Justin and Brian wondered if the younger man had already thought about it himself and had just been too scared to bring it up or if it seriously hadn't crossed his mind yet, but Brian knew that no matter how much he dreaded having that conversation with Justin, they needed to have it.

So he had sat him down one night, looking at him seriously.

“Woah, what's with the serious face?” Justin had chuckled, the chuckle immediately dying in his throat when he saw that Brian only turned more serious instead of joining in. “Okay, you're scaring me,” he muttered.

“We need to talk Justin and...I am not sure I want to have this conversation, but we need to have it. There's no way around it,” Brian started, only scaring Justin more.

“Okay, you've got me officially freaked now,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian for any signs of what this could be about.

“I want you to get tested for HIV,” Brian got out in one rush, knowing that he wouldn't have managed to say what he had to say any other way.

“Wh-what?” Justin stared at him in shock before his face fell and Brian realised that he obviously hadn't thought about it himself so far.

“You...you've been injecting drugs with needles and...what if one of those was dirty? And...you said...you said that you worked the streets for Danny, sleeping with people you didn't know...you could have gotten infected and...I want you to get tested, Justin,” Brian explained, forcing his voice to stay calm and gentle.

He wasn't surprised to see Justin burst into tears at his words and he wordlessly took the crying man into his arms. “This won't change anything between us, Justin. I love you and no matter what the result, I will still love you then, but...we should know...we should know if there's something we have to watch out for.”

Brian could feel Justin shake his head in his arms and he felt his heart break for the man in his arms, because it was obvious that he hadn't given this any thought so far, but Brian just knew that it was important to confirm that Justin was healthy and that there would be no danger for them.

“I just want us to be on the safe side if...when,” Brian quickly amended, “when we're ready and we decide to get sex involved again.”

Justin was inconsolable for almost an hour in Brian's arms and Brian didn't know what to do but promise him that he would be there and would love him no matter what and that they would work it out even if the test came back positive. He knew they would, they just would have to take extra care then and would have to pay attention to certain things. Brian had already read up on it and knew that Michael and Ben were making it work as well, but he wanted to know for both their sakes.

Brian had known that Justin would be scared and would find it hard to cope with the realisation that he might have a life-long reminder of his time as a drug addict in his body and it had taken him two days before he had brought it up again, urging Justin to please get tested.

In the end the blond had agreed to a test, knowing that Brian was right, no matter how much he didn't want him to be, knowing that it was his own fault if the test would come back positive and that realisation hurt and was beyond painful. He had treated his life with so little consideration and care and now he might be paying the price for it.

Brian went with him as a blood sample was taken, was by his side the whole time and Justin was glad for it. He was so scared, he just knew that he wouldn't be able to do this on his own, knowing that he needed someone by his side who supported him no matter what.

They had a counselling interview with the doctor before the blood sample was taken where he explained all about the test and also about HIV, trying to inform them as well as he could, trying to quell Justin's fears as well as he could, trying to calm down the obviously upset man in his office.

The five days waiting for the result were easily the worst days of Justin's life, with the exception of the first days of his drug withdrawal - nothing would ever come close to that pain - but still Justin had never felt so bad in his life before. No matter what Brian tried to do to distract him, nothing worked. No matter how many friends came over and tried to distract him, nothing was able to keep his mind from his thoughts wandering back to the test.

When they sat in the doctor's office, waiting for him to give them the result of the test, Justin felt as if he was about to faint from the nervousness, feeling worse than he had done in a long time. Not even Brian holding on to his hand and stroking it in comfort was able to distract him from feeling that bad.

Justin was hardly able to keep focused and keep his mind in the office, thoughts of him dying a painful death spooking through his head again and again, making him shudder. He tried to listen to all the doctor was saying, but knew that he was too nervous to follow, so instead he just focused his gaze on Brian's face and watched for any signs there. He knew that he would be able to see the results there. Even Brian wasn't that good an actor to try to hide emotions like that. Poker face or not.

When Brian's face visibly relaxed and Justin felt his hand being squeezed, he knew that the test had come back negative and he had never before felt so much relief in all his life and he sank down in his chair, hiding his face in his hands, crying in his relief and thanking god for having spared him. He couldn't believe his luck and it took him quite a while to accept that he wouldn't die a painful death, at least not one caused by HIV or Aids and he smiled weakly when Brian asked him if he was okay.

“Yeah...just...relieved...,” he pressed out as he wiped away his tears.

“I know. Me too,” Brian had replied, smiling at him with one of the widest smiles Justin had ever seen and right then he knew that no matter what happened in his life, he would be okay as long as Brian was by his side. Brian would keep him from falling and failing and Brian would support him no matter what, just like he had done all these last months. Brian had seen him at his worst and still loved him and Justin made a vow to never disappoint him again. Brian deserved the best and he would do all he could to be just that for the man at his side.

***

After getting the negative test result, Justin's mood had improved immensely and he had quickly returned to being his old, cheerful self, much to Brian's joy.

Seeing Justin do so much better and knowing that he was okay had made Brian return to his work as CEO of his company more and more, starting to stay in the office longer and longer and also starting to take business trips again himself instead of only delegating them to Cynthia.

In the beginning, when Justin had just been through his withdrawal, Brian hadn't wanted to leave him alone, hadn't wanted to go to work, still worrying too much about him, but seeing that he had improved so much and was doing better, Brian decided to start working normally and full time again and he had quickly found that he had actually missed working in his company.

He was now in his second week of being back at the office full-time and had invited Justin over to come and visit him at his new offices which the younger man had done earlier and somehow Brian couldn't help but worry. Justin had seemed strange, almost withdrawn when he had been at Kinnetik, reminding Brian a lot of the Justin from the first months after his withdrawal, but being completely different from the Justin of recent weeks ever since he had gotten the negative test result.

At the time Brian hadn't been able to give it much thought because he had been needed for an important presentation, but now on the drive home thinking back to it, he knew that he hadn't imagined it and that Justin had been incredibly quiet all day. 'Maybe he's just had a bad day' Brian thought to himself as he pulled into his drive, surprised to see all lights turned off in the house. Justin had left his office two hours ago, promising to get them some dinner ready and Brian had expected him to be there.

Brian frowned as he left his car and made his way to the door, opened it and entered the house.

“Justin? Are you here?”

When Brian didn't get a reply, he switched on the light and went into the kitchen, not really having expected to find Justin there. He then went and checked the living-room, surprised when he saw a dark form sitting on one of the deckchairs in his garden. He quietly opened the sliding door and made his way outside, not surprised to see that that form was Justin, who seemed far away in his thoughts as he looked over at the pool, but wasn't really looking at it, more like looking through it.

“Hey,” Brian started quietly, not wanting to startle the blond. “Is everything okay?”

Justin seemed to slowly come out of his trance-like condition and frowned at Brian.

“You're already back?”

He then took a look around and seemed genuinely surprised to see that it was already dark outside.

Brian knew that something was up and wrong and moved over to the second deckchair, sitting down on it. “Why are you sitting out here in the dark?”

“I was thinking,” Justin mumbled, but not explaining further.

“What about?”

“It's not important,” he sighed as he moved to get up from the chair.

“Looks important to me if it keeps you out here in the dark without you even noticing that it has gotten dark to begin with. I am not an expert, but...makes it sound important to me,” Brian said.

Justin looked at Brian for the longest time, apparently trying to come to a decision whether or not to tell him what was going on. In the end he breathed out deeply before he started speaking.

“I've...I've been thinking about my future, is all.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“What to do with it...what it has in store for me...that kind of thing,” Justin sighed and Brian could hear that it sounded weary.

“Why?” He just asked, wondering what had gotten Justin into this mood.

The blond just shrugged. “I guess visiting you in the office made me think.”

“Okay.”

It was obvious that Brian couldn't quite follow, so Justin explained some more.

“I...I have no idea what to do in my future and...how to earn money. I...I've been staying here for months now, living off your money and...not contributing at all and...I should, but...I have no idea how, because...all I've ever learned to do is how to wait tables and...I can't go back to that.”

“Hey, of course you can,” Brian started, but Justin interrupted him with a hollow laugh.

“Yeah, right. How, Brian? I've completely destroyed everyone's trust in me and no decent place would hire me and trust me to handle money and...I think I don't even want to go back,” he ended on a whisper, really surprising Brian with that last statement. Brian thought that Justin had genuinely enjoyed working at the diner before.

“Why not?”

“I am not sure I can stand the idea of having so many people around me at all times and depending on where I would go, somebody might know me and...the questions that I would ultimately get asked... I am not sure I can do it and really, waiting tables wasn't my goal for my life anyway, but...I guess I have to because there's nothing else I have learned,” he sighed, running his fingers through his by now longer hair.

“You don't have to, if you don't want to.”

“But I do. How else am I ever going to earn my own money and begin repaying you?”

Brian chuckled slightly, making Justin look up at him in annoyance.

“Hey...don't even go there. You don't have to repay me for anything! Seeing you do better is all I need in repayment, trust me and you can stay here for as long as you want to. I want you to! You don't have to pay rent or contribute. Just stay here for as long as you need or want to and don't pressure yourself. Don't you see? You have amazing opportunities here. You can start new, you know? You don't want to go back to waiting tables? Fine, fuck that. Who cares? You can do all you want now! You can go to college, you can learn something else. You can look inside yourself and decide what you want to do with your life and can then go in that direction. And don't worry about money or staying here. Like I said, I just want you to be okay, Justin and you can stay here for as long as you want to!”

“It makes me feel bad,” Justin whispered. “You have already done so much and...”

“Don't be ridiculous now,” Brian smiled. “And don't feel bad or I might have to feel bad as well for making you feel bad by being a good friend and that sounds kinda fucked up, doesn't it?” Brian asked and he was relieved when he heard Justin laugh slightly.

“Yeah, it does.”

“Well, I guess then you just aren't allowed to feel bad,” Brian said seriously before he got up and pulled Justin up from his deckchair as well. “No feeling bad while you stay here, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin nodded, though he still looked doubtful.

“Not perfect, but better,” Brian joked as he led Justin back inside and they started preparing some dinner for themselves.

It was two days later, when Brian had a quiet day at the office and had returned home in the early afternoon and was relaxing by the pool that Justin came up to him and sat down on the floor next to him, looking at him intently. “I...I think I know what I want to do.”

“You do?” Brian asked, sitting up and looking at Justin in expectancy. “What?”

“I want to help people...like you helped me...I...I want to help people who got pulled into this vicious circle of using drugs and can't get out on their own anymore and...I want to show them that it can be done...that it can work. I...I didn't have anyone to look at and see that it can work, but I had your help and...I think I want to help other people who are in my situation, but don't know how they can get out of it,” Justin said quietly, wringing his hands in his lap. “And... I think I'd like to do it by using my art in some way. I... I love creating. I love sketching and maybe there are ways to use art to help people. Like art therapy, you know?”

“I like that,” Brian replied, taking one of Justin's hands in his and making him look at him. “I really like that. It sounds nice.”

“You think?” Justin asked and it was obvious that he wanted Brian's honest opinion.

“Yes, I do. I think it's a great idea and I think you're right: I am sure it'll help people to see you do better, to have you by their side, showing them that it can really be done,” Brian answered sincerely.

“I just have no idea where to start or how to do that,” Justin sighed.

“I am sure that can be figured out,” Brian smiled, glad that Justin had apparently found something that he wanted to do and had made another important decision for his future, now that his community service was close to an end and he only had to do two more days of it.