Chapter 5

“What? Have you lost your goddamn mind?” Michael nearly yelled at him, looking at Brian as if he had just gone completely crazy in front of his very eyes.

“I have to, Michael. I need to see him and talk to him,” Brian calmly repeated what he had just told his best friend before.

“And what good do you think talking to Justin will do?”

“Maybe I can get through to him,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by Michael.

“Brian, no one can get through to Justin. He's gone...not there anymore...it's not Justin anymore. You better accept that!”

“No, he's still there. I...I just know it. I mean...,” Brian pointed over to the wooden box with the sketches and the envelope with the pictures that he had shown Michael earlier. “He begged Debbie to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them to get money for drugs. That means...that means...he still cares,” Brian said, his voice sounding desperate in the need to believe that he was right.

Michael looked at Brian, his eyes full of sympathy. “Brian...you're only setting yourself up for a big disappointment and even more pain here,” he gently said.

“But...why would he beg Debbie to hide these things? Why? It...must mean that they mean more to him than all the other things he has apparently already sold and...it must mean something,” Brian started once more, his eyes begging Michael to agree with him.

“I don't know, Brian. I don't know what it means or why he would have given these things to Ma. I stopped understanding Justin a long time ago and quite frankly I don't care anymore, but...I care about you and what this is doing to you and Brian, I am worried about you. You're setting yourself up for pain and disappointment if you think that talking to Justin will magically make him realise that he needs to clean up his act and needs to get away from the life he's living now. It's not going to happen. He's too far gone to care.”

“But what if he isn't? I have to at least try, Mikey,” Brian sighed, running his hand through his brunet hair. “You, Emmett, Ted...you all had your chances. You tried and it didn't work, but...I didn't even know what was going on until three days ago. Why am I not allowed to try as well? You all tried to help him and get him to clean up because he is a friend and because you cared about him and if you see a friend go through bad times, you just want to help and want to try to do all you can and...that's how I am feeling right now. I need to do this, Michael...If I don't...I will regret it for the rest of my life. I just know it and...I'll blame myself for not doing something when I had the chance to,” Brian whispered, knowing that Michael understood his way of thinking. Michael probably understood him better than anyone because Michael had to some degree cared about Justin at one point as well and he would do anything he could for a friend and Brian was pretty sure that Michael wasn't even against Brian trying to help Justin, but was just worried about what it would do to Brian should it fail. “You know that I need to do this,” Brian said, knowing that Michael knew indeed and as if to confirm his thoughts, his friend only nodded.

“Yeah, I know. But...I wish it wasn't like that,” he sighed, a deep sadness entering his voice and eyes once more. “It's not going to work, Brian and...I also know what that will do to you and I worry about you, man.”

“I know and I appreciate that,” Brian answered sincerely, staying silent for a bit before he continued. “So...will you help me?”

Michael looked up at Brian and shook his head slowly, only confirming what Brian had feared all day long. Whatever had happened between Justin and Michael in the last three years, Michael had really moved to a place where he was beyond caring as far as Justin was concerned and to know that Michael would ever get into a place like that, saddened Brian and made him wonder what had happened between the two of them to make Michael turn this cold towards Justin.

“Mikey...,” Brian started, once again stopped by Michael right away.

“No, Brian. You will not talk me into this. You want to go ahead and waste your life on trying to get Justin to see the light? Fine...You want to try and do something that everyone else has failed at? Fine, do it. But don't ask me to go along with that. I have already wasted enough of my life on him and his escapades and I just can't do it anymore. I just can't...I'll be here when you need me. I'll be here to pick up the pieces when you finally realise what we have all come to realise as well in recent years, but...don't ask me to go along with your idea. Don't!”

Brian only nodded. He could see the frustration and also anger in Michael's eyes and heard it in his voice, knowing that there was nothing else to do but to accept his friend's decision. Michael had already done so much for him in all the years he had known him, Brian was more than willing to accept that now they had come to a point where Michael just didn't have it in him to do even more.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Can you at least tell me where I can find him?”

Michael shrugged, clearly frustrated and angry that Brian really planned on going ahead with this. “It's been months since I've last seen him and then he came to my place or Ma's place. I don't know...he used to hang out in bars along Larimer.”

“Larimer Avenue? Isn't that...off East Liberty?” Brian asked in obvious disbelief. Growing up in Pittsburgh, everyone had always told him to stay away as far as possible from Larimer and East Liberty as he could because that part of town was known for its notorious gangs and crimes, being in obvious decay.

“I told you he was hanging out with the wrong people,” Michael just gave back, looking at Brian pleadingly. “You're only putting yourself in danger, Brian. It's not worth it!”

“I have to, Michael. I just have to,” Brian sighed, appreciating Michael's worry and knowing that he only voiced his concerns because he cared so much about him and didn't want him to get hurt.

“If there really is no talking you out of doing this...at least talk to Emmett before you go there,” Michael said next, surprising Brian.

“To Emmett?”

“He's been there before. He's...he's been trying to talk to Justin and find him there and...maybe he knows more than I do,” Michael offered, making it clear to Brian that this was as far as his help would go.

***

“Thanks for coming along, Em. I really appreciate that,” Brian said sincerely as they made their way down Larimer Avenue, looking at all the run-down bars lining the sides of the street.

“Going down here on your own would have been suicide, Brian. If someone recognises the value of your clothes, you're going to be a sure target for a mugging,” Emmett just replied in a for him unusually gruff voice and an outfit that Brian would have never expected to see on the tall queen. Emmett was wearing normal, toned down clothes. Nothing fancy, nothing that screamed gay as his usual clothes normally did. For years Brian hadn't even known that Emmett owned normal clothes like the ones he was now wearing.

“So...how come you went here to look for Justin and didn't get mugged?” Brian asked, a frown on his face.

“I've been in Pittsburgh for a long time, Brian and...not all of that time has been good and as successful as I am now... I... I have started out in this neighbourhood myself when I first arrived from Mississippi without any money to support myself. During that time I got to know some people...I know some good people from this area who helped me find my way around here,” Emmett explained, nodding towards a bar about 15 feet ahead of them. “That's where they used to hang out a lot. Not sure if they still do. It's been months since I've last been here.”

Brian looked at the run-down building and the faded sign saying that it was a bar, wondering why anyone would want to enter that shithole, then realised that he was about to do that very thing.

When Brian had called Emmett earlier that day, he had been against Brian's idea at first. He had reacted much like Michael had reacted and had told Brian that he was only setting himself up for disappointment and pain and that Justin was beyond their reach, that there was nothing anyone could do for him anymore. But the longer Brian had talked, had explained why he needed to do this, had explained how he felt knowing that Justin was doing this badly and that he hadn't even tried doing anything about it, the more Emmett had lost his edge and had in the end even agreed to join Brian, offering to help him around, telling him that he'd be lost out there without him. Brian had gladly accepted that offer, having felt quite scared and fearful ever since Michael had mentioned that Justin was hanging around Larimer and he was quite glad to have Emmett around, already having noticed more than one shady person looking at him strangely.

“I really appreciate you doing this,” he therefore said once more, before taking a deep breath and steeling himself as he opened the door to the bar and entered it.

He was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of the mouldy air, his nostrils being filled with the overwhelming stink of sweat, vomit and urine, nearly making him gag as he went inside the bar. “Geez,” he muttered, starting to breathe in through his mouth instead of his nose.

“Nice place, huh?” Emmett said, looking around for an empty table that they could sit down at. He found one in the left corner, immediately pointing Brian in the direction of it and walking over.

When they had sat down, Brian spoke. “Why would anyone come here? This place is a shithole...”

“I guess if it's all you can afford, you go here,” Emmett offered, looking around the place, trying to see if there was any person around that he recognised from one of his earlier visits.

They ordered a beer, but neither of them really drank any of it as the glasses looked beyond filthy, Brian even wondered if they had ever seen any water and had been cleaned even once.

It became obvious pretty quickly that Justin wasn't in the bar or that no one that Emmett recognised as one of his acquaintances was around either, so they decided to wait and see what the night would bring.

They waited for nearly three hours and nothing happened, no one that Emmett knew showed up, before Brian sighed and decided to call it a night. Emmett agreed and together they made their way out of the bar.

“Sorry for bringing you here and wasting your time,” Brian offered as they walked down the street towards the car park where they had parked earlier.

“I've had worse evenings,” Emmett just gave back, making Brian raise his eyebrows.

“Really? Worse than spending your time in that shithole?”

“Worse!” Emmett just chuckled before he stopped. “Wait,” he just said, looking over at the other side of the street, watching a young man who was going through the rubbish lying there, trying to find something useful. “I'll be right back,” Emmett shouted as he had already crossed the street halfway and left a frowning Brian behind.

Brian watched as Emmett talked to the young man for several minutes, nodding every once in a while before he handed him some money and made his way back to where Brian was waiting.

“What was that about?” the tall brunet asked.

“I know him. He's the brother of a girl that I got to know when I first came to Pittsburgh. Very talented singer, but coming from a bad neighbourhood and family. She was shot a couple of months ago. Tragic,” Emmett sighed. “He's helped me before when I came here. He knows his way around and knows the people here.”

“Does he know Justin?”

“Most people here know Justin, Brian. He's part of the neighbourhood and has been for a long time.”

Brian only nodded dumbly at that. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

“However...,” Emmett started, a small smile appearing on his face. “He knows where Justin is right now.”

“What?” Brian's eyes widened as he looked at his friend, not believing what he had just heard.

“He has seen him less than ten minutes ago. Looks like they have a new place to hang out.”

“So...,” Brian started, but didn't go on.

“So we're going there. You still want to talk to him, don't you?” Emmett asked, wondering if Brian still wanted to go ahead or might have changed his mind by now.

The tall brunet only nodded in determination, steeling himself for the possibility of seeing Justin again for the first time in three years in a couple of minutes.

“Okay, then let's go,” Emmett said as he started to move in the direction of the bar the young man had mentioned to him.

They arrived a couple of minutes later at a bar that looked equally run-down as the one where they had spent most of their evening so far, already making Brian wonder if every bar in this part of town looked that way.

When they entered, Brian was immediately greeted by a wave of smoke, recognising right away that that smoke didn't only come from ordinary cigarettes, but smelled sweeter and spicier.

It didn't take him long to find Justin in the bar, his eyes almost immediately wandering to the group of people standing at the bar, yelling loudly, apparently looking for a fight with another group that was sitting at some tables a couple of feet away.

Brian didn't pay that fight any attention and just drank in Justin's appearance. None of Michael's stories or warnings could have prepared him for what he was seeing now with his own eyes. Justin had changed and hardly looked like himself anymore. What immediately caught Brian's attention was the lack of hair. Justin had shaved it all off which wasn't a good look for him as far as Brian was concerned. It only accentuated his gaunt and sickly looking face, his cheeks fallen in, his eyes almost popping out, shocking Brian with how lifeless they seemed. Justin's face was unshaven and looked as if it had been some time since it had last seen water, only adding to his overall dirty looks. There were stains on the shirt that he was wearing and Brian didn't even want to think about where those stains could have come from.

He nearly stumbled back with the shock of seeing Justin like that, feeling Emmett's supportive hand on his back. “Are you okay?” Emmett asked gently, knowing that seeing Justin like that had to be quite a shock for Brian.

Brian only nodded, still not able to avert his eyes from the sight in front of him. So far no one had paid him and Emmett any attention, but that changed soon when Brian saw a huge, bulky man coming their way, looking beyond angry at seeing them there. He wondered how the man even knew them or why he would be so angry about them showing up, but he soon found out.

“Didn't I tell you to not come back, fag? To just piss off and leave us alone?” He yelled as he pushed Emmett who just raised his hands in defense, but didn't do anything else. Brian watched on beyond scared. That big guy could kill them both, he had no doubt and he quickly realised that he was way out of his league here.

“Whoa, calm down,” he said in an attempt to interfere, but was completely ignored by both Emmett and the man.

“Danny, hi. Still being a jerk, I see,” Emmett replied to the man, making Brian look at his friend in shock. Had Emmett gone crazy? Was he trying to kill them both by angering that huge bulk of a man even more?

Just as the man who was apparently called Danny was about to hit Emmett hard in the face a voice called out to him. “Don't!”

Brian immediately recognised that voice, but was shocked by how emotionless it sounded in light of the fact that two friends of the owner of that voice were about to get beaten to a bloody pulp. Because Brian had no doubt that that was about to happen as he saw two other guys closing in on them as well.

“I warned him,” the man called Danny just growled in the direction of the voice, but let go of Emmett, still glaring at him.

“Let me take care of him,” Justin said, sounding annoyed as he made his way over.

Danny nodded and moved back to the bar to where his friends were, looking over at them every once in a while, still throwing insults at Emmett who just watched after him before he turned to Justin.

“Still hanging out with jerks, I see.”

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked, not even looking close to happy at seeing his old friend again, looking beyond angry and annoyed instead. “Everything's been said, Emmett. And why did you bring him?” He spat in Brian's direction, not even greeting him or saying anything to him.

Brian felt slightly hurt by the way Justin had so snidely referred to him as 'him', not even acknowledging his presence by using his name.

“We want to talk to you, Justin,” Emmett just told him, not even caring to make his voice sound friendly as it usually was when he talked to a friend. Brian realised quickly that something must have happened between these two as well, because Emmett's voice sounded about just as cold when he talked to Justin as Michael's did when he talked about the younger man.

“I don't want to talk to you. So fuck off,” Justin said to them before he turned around and walked away back to the bar.

Brian didn't know what made him do it, but he extended his hand and took hold of Justin's arm, stopping him from walking away. The younger man immediately turned on him. “Let go of me if you know what's good for you,” he hissed at Brian who was too shocked to not let go and just stared at Justin, not able to believe that this was really the same person that had been in love with him just three years ago. There was nothing of the Justin that used to love him in this person anymore and to see those lifeless, dull eyes glare at him, nearly made him stumble back.

“Justin, please,” Brian started, but didn't get any further.

“Get out of here and don't think about ever coming back. I have nothing to say to either of you,” Justin spat in Brian's direction.

“And if I have something to say to you?” Brian asked, wondering why he sounded so pathetic as he talked to Justin, who obviously couldn't have cared less about him showing up.

“I don't want to hear it,” the younger man announced, before he turned to Emmett. “Get him out of here and don't come back,” he told him, a clear warning in his voice.

Emmett understood it as such and nodded, pulling a struggling Brian out of the bar with him.

“What? I...,” Brian angrily yelled at Emmett as he was slammed into the nearest wall by his angry friend.

“Have you lost your goddamn mind? Did you want to get us both killed?” Emmett yelled right back at Brian who was stunned by that and just looked at him dumbly. After all it had been Emmett who had provoked that Danny guy, not him.

“What?”

“Why did you have to fucking touch him? You could have gotten us both killed right there...,” Emmett let out his anger, shaking his head again and again. “Are you crazy?”

“I...I just wanted to stop him from walking away,” Brian defended himself helplessly, wondering why holding Justin back had apparently nearly killed them.

“Brian, he was there with his friends. You don't touch anyone in this part of town unless you're part of their group or have a death wish. If you do, you're as good as dead.”

“I...I didn't...I didn't know,” Brian stuttered, still trying to comprehend what had happened in the last five minutes, not able to get a grip on it.

“Let's get out of here before Danny decides that he wants to have your ass as a midnight snack for touching his boyfriend,” Emmett muttered as he quickly walked away from the bar. Brian followed dumbly behind him.

“His boyfriend? That...”

“...is Justin's boyfriend. Yes,” Emmett affirmed, as they made their way towards his car. “Has been for quite some time now. A right jerk and pretty violent.”

“And...Justin is with him?” Brian asked in complete and utter bewilderment, not able to get his head to process and accept that bit of information.

“He has changed, Brian. He's not the Justin we used to know, anymore.”

The brunet only nodded, slowly starting to realise just that himself. He slowly started to understand what Michael and Debbie and Emmett had meant when they had said that Justin had changed. He had just seen with his own eyes how much he had changed.