Chapter 4

Brian had needed two days to fully wrap his head around all that Michael had told him, two days in which he had gone onto the internet and had for the first time ever gone to GOOGLE, looking for updates on Justin, only seeing there that everything that Michael had said had been the truth. Not that Brian had doubted him, but seeing it for himself, seeing court releases with Justin's name, seeing his mugshot on the police homepage and seeing how much the younger man had changed and what he had changed into broke Brian's heart.

If anyone had told Brian years ago that this would happen to Justin, he would have told them to get a shrink because they were obviously crazy. If anyone had ever been in danger of going down that road, it had been him with his meddling with drugs and alcohol, but not Justin. Justin had been almost completely against drugs all the time that Brian had known him and he had even refused smoking weed with them all in the beginning, saying that drugs weren't his kind of thing and he had only tried a couple of things after Brian had assured him that it would be fine. The hardest thing Justin had been addicted to back then had been cigarettes and Poppers occasionally, but that had been it.

And now? How times had changed. It had always been him who had tried out different drugs and had gone down that dark road, no end in sight, wasting away and fucking away his life.

And now here he was, just coming off a stint in one of the biggest advertising agencies in the world and opening his own, with a career that was about to take off now after everyone had been able to see his work for three years and what had happened to Justin's education? Well, as far as Brian could see there was no education at all. As far as he could see there was nothing Justin had done once Brian had left for New York. Apparently he hadn't used his 1500 SAT score to get into a college anywhere.

Brian wondered what had made all that change and most importantly how it had changed. Why had Justin felt the need to shut out his friends and move on with those new guys that he called his friends? People that according to Michael had only been bad influences. Justin had been such a good judge of character. He had always known how to pick his friends and had prefered to only have a few trusted friends instead of many so called friends that wouldn't really be there for him, but somehow he must have lost that ability along the way.

And one thought always returned to Brian's head, no matter how often he tried not to think about it. 'What if Michael is right and it's all because he didn't get over me? What if this is all my fault?'

Brian had met with Michael the day before and Michael had seen that Brian had seemed very thoughtful and had been very quiet and it had worried him and he had gotten Brian to talk about what was on his mind and when Brian had voiced his thoughts, Michael had immediately pushed them aside, getting quite angry with Brian for even thinking that any of this was his fault, telling him more than once that there was only one person responsible for Justin's actions and that that person was Justin and not Brian. Michael had also reminded Brian that many people were being left by their lovers day in and out and not all of them ended up as drug addicts. If Justin had felt so bad, he could have always gone and gotten help.

Michael had been furious that Brian had even allowed his mind to go down that road of thinking and had been adamant that none of this had been Brian's fault and while he knew that Michael most likely really thought that, Brian couldn't help but still wonder if it was. What if he had just talked to Justin once more before he had left for New York? Maybe he could have convinced Justin that it was for the best that Brian was moving away and he was free to pursue someone his own age.

Maybe, maybe, maybe...so many maybes running through his head, but hardly any definite answers. When Brian had woken up earlier that morning, he had known what he wanted to do that day, had made a decision about doing something that he hadn't done in three years and knew he should have done a lot earlier and even though he had been slightly scared of actually going through with it, he had known that it was the right thing to do.

Waking up, Brian had realised that he didn't need Michael's absolution, but needed someone else to tell him that none of this was his fault. He needed to hear it from the one person who had always loved Justin unconditionally and had cared for him as if he was her son.

Sighing deeply, Brian got out of his car and walked over to the house he knew so well. When he had first started being friends with Michael, he had been a regular guest at this house and that had never stopped until he had left for New York.

He walked up to the door, wondering if Debbie would even be home and wondering even more how she would react upon seeing him. He hadn't called her often after he had moved to New York, hadn't talked to her all that much in the last three years. Their relationship had become very strained after he and Justin had broken up and when they had talked, Justin had always been a topic to cause tension because Debbie had been beyond angry with him for how he had treated the boy. So with time Brian had just started to always claim to be busy with work when she wanted to talk and standing in front of her door now, he felt really bad about that. He had always loved Debbie and she had immediately made him feel a part of the family, had welcomed him into her home and family and had made him feel like a member, not like an outsider. She had taken to him and he had taken to her and they had gotten on really well and Brian wondered why he hadn't stayed in contact with her more closely when he had left for New York. Maybe because he had been afraid of her looking through him and his bullshit just like Justin had been able to look through it. Debbie had always been able to see him for his real self and to cut through his bullshit in seconds. For the first time ever in all the years he had known her, he felt nervous as he rang her doorbell, not knowing how she would react to seeing him.

Brian waited and looked up when he saw the door being opened half a minute later and a tired-looking Debbie appeared. Brian took a good look at her and he was shocked about what he was seeing. She looked beyond exhausted, not physically, but mentally. She looked tired and drawn, her eyes carrying an immense sadness that Brian had never seen in them before. Debbie had always been a woman that had looked younger than her actual age due to her boisterous and happy exterior, but looking at her now, Brian thought that she looked as if she had aged 10-15 years in the three years that he had been in New York.

“Brian! Oh my god, what are you doing here?” She immediately exclaimed when she recognised him, walking over to him with a happy smile and immediately engulfing him in a crushing hug. “Oh Brian! It's so good to see you!”

Brian let her hug him and hugged her back, holding her tight as he spoke. “Hey, Debbie.”

After a minute of hugging him so tight that he was scared his ribs might crack, Debbie pulled back and looked at him from eyes that were shining with tears and happiness. “Oh Brian, what a lovely surprise. Come in!”

They entered the house and walked into the living-room that Brian knew so well, sitting down on the couch.

Brian was actually surprised that Debbie hadn't yelled at him for not staying in contact more in recent years and he wondered if maybe she was even too mentally exhausted for that. Or maybe she was just genuinely happy to see one of her lost boys in her home again.

He didn't quite know what to make of it and tried to cover that insecurity by speaking first. “I...I hope you don't mind me showing up like this. I...I know I should have called first.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Brian. You can show up whenever you want. You know that!” She waved away his worries, smiling at him. “I am glad that you came.”

Brian fidgeted in his place on the couch, feeling slightly embarrassed about what he said next. “I... I am sorry for not calling more or...or for not coming by for a visit earlier...I...,” he stopped, looking at her, his eyes showing how bad he felt about it.

Debbie smiled at him gently and took his hand, squeezing it slightly. “I am sure you had your reasons, Brian. I know that you were really busy with your job and...everything...”

A silence fell between them and when it felt like getting too heavy, Debbie spoke again, changing the atmosphere. “I should kick your ass, you know?”

“Debbie, I...,” Brian sighed, but then just nodded. He knew she was right. He had been an ass. A complete and utter ass. And not only to her, but to most of his Pittsburgh family and friends.

“But I am too happy that you're here now,” Debbie said quietly. “Michael told me that... that you know and... even though I wanted to kick your ass for your behaviour in the last three years... I am just glad that you're back. I've missed you, Brian and...I just need to know that you're okay? Are you okay?”

Brian nodded slowly, then started shaking his head. “I... guess... I am as okay as I can be under these circumstances. How are you doing, Debbie? I...god, I had no idea...I...Michael told me two days ago and...I am so sorry...If I had known, I would have come by a lot sooner, you have to believe me,” he told her, now taking her hand in his as he saw her eyes lose that happiness, it being replaced by a deep sense of sadness.

“I've been better,” she quietly answered, not looking at Brian as tears made their way down her cheeks.

Brian had always known Debbie as a strong woman and a strong personality and he had never seen her cry before. Yes, he had seen her cry in happiness, but this was crying because things had gotten too much, this was crying in emotional exhaustion and he had never seen Debbie that way before and it made him sad to see the strong woman that he had always admired so much like this.

“Is there something I can do?” Brian asked quietly after a few minutes, allowing her her tears, all the while holding her hand in his, caressing it in a comforting manner.

She shook her head, looking up at him from pained eyes. “No,” she whispered. “There's nothing anyone can do.”

“Debbie...I...god, I never thought something like this could happen to Justin. Not in a million years. I mean...I could see it happening to me, but...not Justin...he was always so...so...rooted to the soil and...normal, you know what I mean?” He said quietly and she only nodded, sniffing as she wiped away her tears with her free hand.

“He changed, Brian...a lot...I...I don't even recognise him anymore...he's...he's not Sunshine anymore and...it hurts so much to see him do this to himself...”

“I know,” Brian sighed, wondering how much those last three years had hurt the woman sitting in front of him. He could see that she was in immense emotional pain and for a minute he felt angry with Justin for doing this to his surrogate mother, a woman that had loved him like her own son and obviously still cared about him a lot.

“When did you last see him?” He continued after a few minutes of silence, trying to push aside the anger that he was feeling and asking the questions that were burning on his mind.

“About nine months ago,” Debbie told him after thinking about it shortly. “He...he came here and...he seemed okay and...I thought that he might be getting better and...I was so hopeful at seeing him here. His eyes were clear and...when he talked...he...he was here, not high or far away in his own world and...I allowed myself to get up my hope that maybe he had finally realised that he needed help, but...,” she stopped there, sobbing quietly and all Brian could do was move over and hold her, hold her and comfort her, knowing that there was no real comfort for the pain she was going through.

“I am so sorry, Debbie...so sorry,” Brian whispered over and over, holding his surrogate mother in his arms until she had calmed down. When she had, she pulled away from Brian and moved out of the room. Thinking that she might need a minute to herself to regain composure, Brian let her go. He was surprised when she returned less than a minute later, holding a large envelope and a rectangular wooden box.

She handed the items to Brian, who could only frown at them, before she sat down next to him once more.

“When...when he was here...he gave me these things. He...he said he wanted me to hide them from him, so...so he couldn't sell them. He had sold most of his stuff by then and I knew from Emmett that Justin was broke more often than not and was selling whatever he could to get money for drugs and...he told me to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them as well,” she explained to Brian who looked at the items in his hand, wondering why Justin would have wanted Debbie to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them.

“He nearly begged me to hide away these things so he couldn't get his hands on them. It...it was one of the few moments in the last years where...where he seemed to be Justin. He was so sure and adamant about it and...his eyes were so clear,” Debbie sighed, taking a deep breath before she continued. “Less than a week later, I got a call from the security company that had installed my alarm that someone had tried to break into my house. When... when we checked the images on the camera... it was Justin....”

She looked at the items in Brian's hand, running her hand over the rectangular wooden box.

“I...I want you to have those things, Brian. I...I am sure they mean more to you than they do to me,” Debbie whispered, urging Brian to open the wooden box.

When Brian did, he gasped, immediately recognising the contents of the box. In it, lying at the bottom of the box were several sketches. Brian immediately recognised that they had been done by Justin and carefully lifted them from the box. He looked at the first one and saw that it was a sketch of the night they had met. A sketch of the night Gus had been born. It showed Brian holding a baby Gus in his arms, gently looking down on him with a look so full of love that it nearly took Brian's breath away. When he looked at the other sketches, he saw that they were sketches of himself, sometimes naked, sometimes at work, sometimes doing random things like playing pool with the guys. And then several more sketches of him and his son which nearly brought tears to his eyes. Looking at these sketches Brian saw a love in his eyes he didn't quite know he really could feel. But if Justin had drawn it, it meant it had to be there. The boy had never lied in his sketches and had never drawn anything that hadn't really been there.

Once Brian had put the sketches back, he took the envelope that had come with the wooden box and opened it, surprised when he saw pictures in it. He pulled them out carefully and felt even more emotional when he saw what those pictures showed.

He looked at them, not even bothering to hide his feelings, smiling at several of them and the memories they brought back.

The pictures were pictures from several events that they had attended together. Parties at Babylon, dinners with the munchers, dinners at Debbie's. And all the pictures showed the same thing: Them together. Brian having his arms around Justin one way or the other, always holding the younger boy close. In many pictures Brian could be seen kissing the blond, nibbling on his ears or doing something similar. Brian had no idea that pictures had been taken at any of these events, but apparently Justin had known and had saved them all. Pictures that clearly showed how Brian had lied when he had said he didn't care about the blond. These pictures held the truth and even Brian couldn't refute what he was seeing in them. He had cared. Definitely more than he would have cared for a random fuck. That was for sure. Looking at the pictures, Brian couldn't even blame people for thinking that they had been in a relationship. No wonder the boy had gotten those ideas. Brian sure seemed enarmoured enough in those pictures.

Why had Justin begged Debbie to hide these pictures and sketches from him? Debbie said he had begged her to hide them from him, so he couldn't sell them for drugs. Had Justin sold his art for drug money? Did the fact that Justin had begged Debbie to hide those pictures and sketches from him mean that even then, when he had already been at his lowest, he cared about Brian and didn't want to lose the last memories of their time together? Could that be it?

Brian wondered about it for quite a bit, completely forgetting about Debbie who was sitting next to him, looking through the pictures in trance before he put them back in the envelope, looking up at her with a grateful smile.

“Thank you!”

Debbie only nodded before Brian hugged her once more, wanting to show her that he really appreciated her giving him these things.

He stayed for another hour, talked to Debbie about old times, better times, before he left, realising in the car on the way home that he had already come to a decision about what he would do next. He looked at the envelope and the wooden box sitting on it on the passenger's seat, nodding to himself as determination went through him. He would do it, he just didn't know how.