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“IF”
I sit here alone in the silence.
I'm shattered! Oh, God! What have I done?
I feel numb. I can't move. Tears trickle down my face. I don't care.
My clothes and the scarf are covered in blood. I can still feel the sticky wetness of the scarf around my neck.
It's his blood. And I'm responsible.
If I hadn't turned up. If I hadn't surprised him. If I hadn't given in to his request. If he didn't question my very existence. If he didn't push the buttons I never knew I had.
If he hadn't crashed through my walls. If he hadn't sneaked in under the wire.
If he hadn't met me. If he didn't love me.
If.
So many ifs.
If I hadn't given him what he wanted, he wouldn't be fighting for his life. I did this to him, and it's possibly killed him.
They'll all blame me. They usually do But, his mom and Debbie will hate me the most.
The waiting is killing me. The empty hallway is so quiet. I just sit motionless staring at nothing.
I don't even react when I feel Michael's hand on my neck caressing me, trying to comfort me.
I don't deserve to be comforted.
All I see is you! Now, I'm quoting song titles - an old Dusty Springfield song, I think.
But it's true! I see you that first night, running through the halls of this very hospital. Laughing, happy, so alive!
The night my son was born. The night I started to grow up. The night you changed my life.
God! Why is it taking so long? It's as though time has stopped. But I know it hasn't.
I don't know how long it is until Michal comes, but soon Jennifer, Debbie and Lindsay turn up as well.
Someone, I don't know who, tried to talk to me, but I didn't answer, and I'm in no mood to talk.
I become aware of the rest of them showing up. Conveniently, they all leave me alone, except for Michael. He stays close offering his silent support.
The only other person who ventures near me is Daphne. She sits on the other side of me, she and Michael exchange pleasantries. After a while, Michael excuses himself and goes over to the group.
Daphne stays. Subconsciously I feel her take my hand and gently squeeze it.
“It's not your fault, Brian,” she whispers.
Until now I'd barely moved. I don't even think I was aware of breathing, but I guess it continued as I was still alive. Sort of.
I turn to look at the girl beside me. His best friend. I see the concern in her face. But, it's not just for him. It's also for me.
I don't even realise I'm speaking; my voice is barely audible. “I shouldn't have come.”
“It could have happened with you there or not. He's been having trouble for most of the year with that homophobic prick.” She tells me.
I'm startled by her outspokenness, but I'm not surprised. They've been friends all their lives.
“I didn't know. He never told me.”
“He thought he could handle it himself. So many times, he stood up for himself. It took a lot of guts, especially with a football jock.”
“Why didn't he say something?” I'm whispering, so the others don't hear us.
“I guess he didn't want to worry you. It wasn't your problem.”
Daphne squeezes my hand again. “There wasn't anything you could do.”
We sit there quietly together. The best friend and …... me.
What am I? Friend, boyfriend, lover, partner?
None of the above if his mother has her way. She'll never want me to have anything to do with him ever again.
If there is an again.
If.
There's that word again.
If he'd told me about the trouble at school.
If he'd said how bad it was, maybe I could have helped. Offered some advice, at least told him not to antagonise or aggravate the situation.
No. He wanted to deal with it himself.
Shit! He's one brave twink. Wait. No, he's not a twink.
I know I tease him about it, but he's not.
I don't think he ever was. Sure, he was young and inexperienced, but there was something incredibly mature about him at the same time.
And we connected.
I don't mean just physically. It was at first, but after it was more.
It was like he was the only person who figured me out. He got me. Saw through me.
Was far more mature than I ever was. Reminded me of that fact a few times.
And beautiful. So beautiful! With a smile that could light up the room, and eyes so blue, you felt like you were swimming in the bluest ocean.
God! Now I'm turning into a lesbian.
Why don't they give us some news? It's been hours.
I can feel them all staring at me. I know what they're thinking. I should never have gotten involved with him.
But hey! He's the one who pursued me, wouldn't go away. Crashed through my walls like they were made of paper. He did everything he could to ingratiate himself into my life, my world, my very existence.
Now, look where it's got him. Lying unconscious in a hospital emergency room. Michael returns, but Daphne never leaves my side. She's a part of what's happened tonight. She was his date for the prom because I'd told him I wouldn't go with him. She's been his constant throughout this mess with the jerk from school. She's the only one who understands how much this is really affecting me. She knows because he's confided everything about our relationship to her.
Yeah, I said relationship. I've denied it for so long it's become the norm. I'm not denying it any longer. We do have a relationship. I guess we've been a couple for some time now.
I want the chance to tell him that. I need him to know exactly how I feel.
If only I get the chance.
I become aware of some activity in the hallway. A doctor appears and approaches Jennifer, and they speak for several minutes. Debbie is at her side, lending support. The doctor leaves, the two women hug briefly, then talk to the others.
I see signs of relief on their faces, but still, no-one approaches me. I still sit, with just Daphne beside me. Occasionally she squeezes my hand. She's not let go since she first sat down and I appreciate that she's still here. Right now, she's my only connection with him, my only friend.
It's hours later and gradually everyone leaves except for Jennifer, Debbie, Daphne, Michael and me.
Michael disappears briefly at some point and returns with clean clothes for me. He somehow convinces me to go get cleaned up.
Reluctantly I do, but I don't even remember him taking me to the men's room. He helps me remove most of the blood, which is now caked on my face, my hands, neck.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognise myself. My face is totally devoid of emotion, and my eyes show no life at all.
I change into the fresh clothes, and Michael packs my soiled items into the bag. We head back to the hallway, and I sit down again.
I'm not leaving until I know something, anything.
Daphne has gone home, but she'll return soon. She needed to get changed out of her prom dress and get some rest. She even kissed me before she left, promising not to leave me alone for too long.
I like her. She's one hell of a girl.
I've been sitting alone for quite a while when Debbie finally comes and sits beside me. It's the only contact I've had except for Daphne and Michael.
She doesn't speak for several minutes, which, for her, is unusual. Finally, she speaks. “You OK?”
I just shrug my shoulders in reply.
“He's badly hurt, but they think he's going to be all right,” Debbie tells me. “Because of the head injury, he's in a coma, but they think he'll come out of it in a couple of days.”
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Telling me.”
“You should go home and get some rest,” Debbie insists.
“Not leaving.”
“Brian,” Debbie actually touches my arm. “There's nothing you can do here.”
“Still not leaving.” I don't look at her. I can't look at her.
“Might be best if you left.”
“Why? Am I an embarrassment?”
“Perhaps it's not appropriate right now. Jennifer is very upset.”
“She's not the only one.” I try not to lose my temper with her. I know she means well, protecting his mother, her friend. But I stand my ground.
“Guess I can't make you.” Debbie stands up, ready to walk away. “Brian, it possibly wasn't the smartest thing going to his prom, but you didn't attack him. I know you wouldn't hurt him.”
“His mother blames me.”
“Actually she doesn't, not really. She's worried and upset. Give her some time.”
“Sure.” I shrug.
“Go get some rest, freshen up. It could be a long wait.” Debbie touches my cheek briefly, then walks away.
Well, at least she didn't admonish me for my part in this nightmare. In fact, Debbie was quite controlled for her. Proves she still cares enough about me not to completely cut me off.
I wouldn't blame her if she had. Debbie is always protective of her 'lost boys' no matter how successful they become in later life. I should know. I'm one of them.
I stay fixed to the chair. I don't plan going anywhere until I know he's out of danger. I don't care how long it takes. I'm staying.
Daphne reappears some time later. She looks more rested and is now comfortably dressed in jeans and sweater. She talks to Jennifer first, spending about ten minutes with her, holding her hand. I can't hear what's said from where I'm sitting, but Jennifer collects her coat and bag and walks off down the hall.
Daphne joins me and takes my hand in hers. We just sit quietly for a while. It's possibly the quietest she's ever been. Never been one to hold back, especially where her good friend is concerned.
“Have you eaten anything?” she finally asks.
“Not hungry.”
“You plan to sit here for maybe days and not eat?”
Gotta give her credit, she certainly speaks her mind.
“If I have to.”
She stands, still holding my hand and gives it a tug. “Come on.”
“What?” I look up at her.
“Stand up, Brian, and come with me. You have to eat something.”
Again she pulls on my hand, and I realise she's not going to give up easily. Reluctantly, I stand. I try to move, but I'm suddenly lightheaded.
Daphne grabs me when she sees me stumble slightly. “I don't want an argument, Brian. You're coming with me to the cafeteria, and you will eat.” She speaks sternly, and I know she means business.
“OK, Mother,” I reply, attempting my usual smirk, but failing.
She's only little, but she's strong. Grabbing me around the waist, she supports my weight, and we head downstairs to the canteen. She sits me down at a table then goes to buy some food and coffee, returning in a couple of minutes with a loaded tray.
“What the fuck's all that?” I ask, horrified at the amount of food on the tray.
“Nourishment.” She pushes a plate of sandwiches at me. “You'll eat every bit.”
“Bossy, aren't you?”
“Someone has to look after you.” She gives me a cheeky smile. It reminds me of him.
“I can take care of myself. Been doing it for some time now.”
“Real good job,” she says sarcastically and hands me a coffee and pushes the bowl of French fries in my direction. “It's not after seven, so eat.”
“He told you that?”
“Tells me everything.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We don't have any secrets.”
“Great.” I start eating the sandwich and some of the fries. The coffee is crap, but it will do.
We continue in silence for a few minutes. Daphne looks at me, then speaks. “He may not wake up for a while; you know that, right?”
“Yeah, so I've been told.” I sip the coffee.
“What about work?”
“Huh?”
“Work, your job.”
“Didn't think of it.”
“Good thing I did,” Daphne says.
“What?”
“You weren't in a fit state earlier, so when I went home, I called your assistant and said you wouldn't be in for a couple of days.”
“You did what?”
“Your hearing not working?” Daphne giggles.
“Why?”
“Because you weren't functioning. Keep eating.”
“What did Cynthia say?” I ask.
“She was kinda worried. Apparently, you never miss work.”
“I don't.”
“You should call her later.”
“Thanks for the advice.” I eat the food and drink the horrible coffee, and it seems to appease Daphne. “Why are you doing all this?”
“He'd want me to.” She states. “Besides, you're not so bad.” She just smiles at me.
That surprises me. He even wants me looked after, no matter what. I feel cared for, not a feeling I am used to very often. I sip the coffee, so I don't have to speak.
We finish the tray of food. I think Daphne ate more than me, but she was happy with what I'd managed to consume. We head back to my position outside his room.
It's just Daphne and me. We'd only been gone maybe a half-hour, and none of the family had appeared in the meantime.
Again, as we sit together, Daphne takes hold of my hand. It's as though she knows I need the support and I guess so does she.
We don't speak for a long time. We watch as nurses go in and out of his room. A doctor or two comes and goes.
Every one of them merely gives us a smile in recognition. They really have no idea who we are or how we are connected to him.
They just acknowledge our presence and keep walking.
No-one attempts to update us on his condition, and as neither Daphne nor I are actual family, they probably wouldn't tell us anyway.
I've been here now for over sixteen hours, the girl beside me about twelve.
It's nearing four o'clock when Jennifer returns. She's obviously gotten some rest and appears a little more composed than earlier. She nods as she walks past us.
“Wanna coffee?” Daphne finally asks.
“No, thanks.”
“Excuse me a minute,” she says, kisses my cheek and goes over to Jennifer.
They talk briefly, then Daphne disappears, probably to go get the coffee anyway.
Just after she leaves, a doctor comes and talks to Jennifer. During the conversation, I notice that Jennifer actually attempts a smile and seems relieved.
Maybe there will be some good news soon.
Daphne comes back, of course, with the coffee, and hands me one. I guess I could use it after all.
A couple of hours go by, and Debbie arrives, bringing food. It's her usual solution to any problem. Some of the others stop by, getting updates I guess. They stay awhile, then quietly leave. None of them speaks to me.
Those who stay congregate around Jennifer while Daphne and I sit out in the hall. She never leaves my side, except to get more coffee or go to the bathroom. As I said before, she's one hell of a girl.
I feel empty inside. I've never been one for showing my feelings, even though I do have them. But, right now, there's nothing. I can't even think ahead. My life, such as it is, is stuck in that one moment, that second, when I saw him bashed in the head by a baseball bat.
Time has stood still since then. Everything else is a blur. The ambulance arriving, the journey to the emergency room, even the endless hours of waiting. It's become a single minute in time. Doesn't move. Motionless and emotionless.
Even when I close my eyes, all I see is him, lying in a massive pool of his own blood. It causes me to open my eyes again quickly to erase the vision, the memory of that moment.
That's when my life stopped.
If he wakes up, maybe my life can commence again.
If. If. If.
If there's a god, please let him wake up. If God is listening, please, please, please, give me the chance to tell him how much he really does mean to me.
If I get that chance, I can live again, even let my emotions show. Maybe not too much at first, wouldn't want to spoil my reputation, now would I?
I must be dreaming because I don't realise Jennifer Taylor is standing in front of me.
“Daphne,” she says. “I'd like to talk to Brian. Will you give us a minute?”
Daphne releases my hand and stands up. “Sure.”
Jennifer sits down in the vacant seat but doesn't immediately speak.
I feel like I should say something, but like I always say, sorry's bullshit. “Mrs Taylor,” my voice doesn't even sound real.
“Brian, I wanted to tell you that the doctor came by, and Justin is starting to wake up.”
“That's good news.” State the obvious, you idiot.
“Very good news.”
She turns to look at me, and I feel very self-conscious. It's his mother, and I can't possibly apologise enough for what's happened to her son.
“Brian, I need to ask you something.”
I turn to face the woman. I know she doesn't approve of me or my lifestyle or her son being a part of any of it.
“OK.” Talking is definitely not my strong point.
“Do you love him?” she asks me straight out.
I'm stunned, no flabbergasted. Everything hangs on the answer I give her. I hesitate for only seconds, then I breathe. “Yes.”
“I don't blame you for this,” Jennifer says blandly. “Daphne filled me in on all the trouble he's been having at school. I had no idea it was so bad.”
“Neither did I.”
“Are you going to hurt him, Brian?”
She's straightforward. “Not intentionally,” I tell her.
“He's so young,” she sighs.
“Mrs Taylor,” I choose my words very carefully. “He's probably the most mature person I've ever met.”
She looks at me, intrigued. “I know you've taken care of him. He's changed a lot, and I think it's because of you.”
“He's strong, and he knows what he wants. He's done all of it himself.”
“No thanks to his father and me.”
This is the first real conversation we've ever had. The only other time we've exchanged words was that time she dropped off his stuff at my office.
“He loves you, Mrs Taylor. He knows how difficult it was for you to deal with.”
“You said he knows what he wants. Does that include you?” Jennifer Taylor asks me.
“Guess so.”
“I'm going to go see how he's doing. Would you like to see him if he's awake?”
“You're going to let me?” I ask uncertainly. I can't believe how reasonable she's being.
“If you'd like.”
“Yes, I would. Very much.”
She starts to walk away.
“Mrs Taylor?” She turns around. “Thank you,” I say quietly. I even attempt a smile.
She nods and continues down the hall to his room and disappears through the door.
It seems to take forever, but quite a while later, Jennifer Taylor is standing in front of me again. This time she has a smile on her face.
“He's come round, but he's still groggy. You can go in now.”
I stand up very slowly. I don't want a repeat of last time with the dizziness. Not a good look.
“You sure?” I ask her.
She nods, then quite gently touches my arm. “He's asking for you.”
I don't immediately notice, but I think my eyes are moistening over with the beginnings of tears. My heart is thumping in my chest and seems to get louder with every step I take closer to the door.
I reach for the handle and look back at the woman who'd given me her permission. She gives me a small smile and nods. I take a very deep breath and slowly open the door.
I'm shocked by the number of wires and tubes that are attached to his seemingly small, pale body. I know they're necessary to replenish the blood he lost and administer medicines, but it's still unnerving.
I edge closer to the bed. He looks like he's asleep. I've always liked watching him sleep, but this is different. Now I watch the rise and fall of his chest, comforted that he's breathing. Thank God, he's alive.
I don't realise it when I whisper one word. “Sunshine.”
I'm just so relieved to see his face. His head is wrapped in bandages, and all the tubes are there, but I can see past all of it. I see the boy I met that first night under the lamp post.
I don't want to disturb him; he needs to rest and get better.
If he lets me, I'll help him recuperate. I don't mean with sex. I want to take care of him.
If he still wants me around, that is.
If. A lot is riding on just that one word.
I turn to leave. I'm happy to have even been allowed in to see him. His mother didn't have to show me that courtesy.
“Brian,” a small voice says behind me.
I turn quickly to see those beautiful blue eyes looking at me. They're not as bright as they usually are, but that's to be expected. He's suffered a horrible trauma and been unconscious for almost twenty-four hours.
“Hey,” I say softly, stepping closer to the side of the bed. “'Bout time you woke up.” I try to sound relaxed and calm. Inside it's a different story. I'm ready to shout for joy that he seems OK.
I sit down in the chair beside him. He's trying to smile, but it's obvious he's in some pain. Still trying to be brave.
“Want me to get a nurse?” I ask.
“No, I want to see only you.” His voice is quite husky, and I have to lean in close to hear him. I certainly don't mind. It's been way too long since I've been near him. I'll take what I can get right now.
“Justin,” I start to say, but he reaches for my hand.
“Don't. Sorry's bullshit,” he says, with a tiny smile curling his lips.
“If you'd let me finish.” If again. “If you would give me a chance,
there's a lot I'd like to say.”
“You don't have to. I already know.”
“Know what?”
“That you love me,” Justin says softly, his trademark smile returning slightly.
“Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?” I smirk at him. My heart isn't thumping any longer; it's beating steadily, my breathing more relaxed than it's been in hours. I'm starting to live again, and it's because of him. I know he'll be all right. I'm sure there will be some problems to deal with, but I'm ready and willing to help both of us through it.
“Always been sure of you, Brian.” Justin grins, even though he is in pain.
“Really? Well, if ....,” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Not if, when.”
“Justin, if you want, I'd like you to move in with me when you're better.” I venture. It's a start.
If.
“You do?” He's surprised at my offer and attempts to move. I place my hands on his shoulders to keep him still.
“Relax. If you listen, I want you around for a long time.” I lean in and gently kiss his lips. “A very long time. I love you, Justin.”
I kiss him again, this time a little more deeply, and I feel him respond. When I move back, he's smiling as brightly as he can.
“Knew you'd come around eventually, Mr Kinney.” He's so full of himself.
“Get some rest, Sunshine. I'll be back later.” I kiss him again, relishing the contact after such a long time of nothing. He's tired, needs rest, needs lots of TLC. And I need him.
He's asleep before I leave the room. I close the door gently, and I can't help but smile. For the first time since this unspeakable thing happened to him, I can breathe again.
For all my bravado and bullshit, I have emotions and feelings just like anyone else. Because of him.
If he hadn't come into my life, if he hadn't pursued me relentlessly, if he hadn't figured me out. I wouldn't be as happy as I am at this very moment.
I start thinking about that song again, and the words fill my head, and I think, if.
If I didn't want this. If I didn't need him in my life. If I didn't love him.
If he didn't love me.
My life is finally beginning.
There are no more ifs.
I won't live again
'til I'm with you
Oh, darling
I won't love again
Unless it's with you
So until the day
When you are back with me to stay
In every way
All I see is you
("All I See Is You" by Dusty Springfield)
The End or is it The Beginning
The End.
Kinnetik Eagle is the author of 5 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 2 members. Members who liked "IF" also liked 146 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 2 members. Members who liked "IF" also liked 146 other stories.