After Eric's body is taken to the morgue, Brian stands up and walks purposefully until he is standing outside of the hospital. He doesn't go out through the lower level into the parking lot, just out the main entrance. The street in front of him is busy and he would be lying if he said he didn't once think about walking in front of a moving car. He thinks about it. Hard. He contemplates if death or a significant injury will help him feel better at all. If he doesn't die, the injuries might distract him. It might give him a reason to come out of his numbness and not be afraid of what he might feel, since the physical pain might hit him before whatever else does.

If he dies, he can be with Eric. He would see Eric again, if Heaven or some sort of equivalent exists. Or maybe he wouldn't. Because while Eric would end up in Heaven for sure, Brian is more of a toss up. He could end up somewhere completely different and his death would have been for nothing. But if he does die and he does end up with Eric, he would be able to see him again. Touch him, kiss him, hold him.

If Eric would let him. An Eric in the afterlife might be all-knowing and know that this is all Brian's fault. He might refuse to even see Brian and he would definitely be enraged if Brian killed himself and up and abandoned the kids, especially right now.

He toes at the curb though, testing his body to see if it will walk out into the street on its own free will. It doesn't.

"Are you alright, sir?"

Brian glances behind him and sees a young woman standing there, long after everyone else has crossed the street. He was probably in her way, that has to be the only reason she's asking. He's surprised she's so polite about it.

"I'm tired," is all Brian says. It's not a lie. It's the absolute truth. He hasn't slept in three and a half days. He's starting to feel it, with the way his hands have been shaking the last several hours and the way his body suddenly hurts. Maybe that's why he wants to die right now. His body probably thinks he is trying to make it happen anyway.

"I need to sleep," Brian continues and suddenly he sounds desperate. He wants to be unconscious, but even more so, he wants to be dead. Just for a while. He just wants to be dead long enough to see Eric and talk to him for a little bit.

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" the woman asks, "I'm a nurse. I work here. Do you need me to help you check in? I don't mind going back in to do that."

He thinks on it, or at least as much as he can think about anything right now. Maybe there is something wrong. He feels dizzy and he just wants to lie down with Eric, that's all he wants, and he can't have it. The fact that he can't is making him feel like he's seconds from insanity. He just wants everything to stop. Maybe a doctor can figure out a way to make his mind stop.

"I'm fine," Brian says instead. The crosswalk lines signals for him to walk so he does. The key card Emmett put in his pocket says The Inn at Penn with a post-it note with the number 616 on it so that's where he goes. If his eyes are telling him the truth, then the hotel is right there down the street, in plain sight.

He makes it through the hotel doors and makes it to the sixth floor, but he feels like he's walking in a dream so he's not sure if he's actually made it. Maybe he fell asleep at the crosswalk. Maybe he's still next to Lily's bed and finally passed out. Nothing feels real.

He gets to room 616 and puts the key card in the slot. The light turns green the first try, which is sometimes a rarity so maybe this is all a dream. He steps in and sees some shopping bags on the dresser but no other sign the room has been entered. One glance in them tells him Emmett bought him clothes, not the kind that Emmett usually tries to force upon him, but ones he knows Brian will actually wear. It makes him realize he hasn't changed or showered since Friday evening and he's fucking disgusting.

His head falls forward as he takes off his clothes, leaving them in a heap in the middle of the hotel room before going to the bathroom to turn on the hot water. He only spends a few seconds in the shower before realizing he doesn't have the energy to stand, so he lowers himself down until he's sitting in the tub. He thinks about turning the faucet on to take a bath instead. But the last time he took a bath, it had been with Eric sitting right in front of him in between his legs on their honeymoon together. It's not like they hadn't taken showers together. They had taken a LOT of showers together. But the baths had been few and far between. Tender. Something he hadn't done with anyone else.

Brian decides to just sit there and let the shower head wash over him, reaching up to grab the soap, washcloth, and shampoo when needed.

He puts the robe on when he manages to find just enough energy to lift himself out of the tub and dry himself off. He would usually just fall in the bed naked and shameless. But he feels cold, so fucking cold. He wants Eric's arms around him but the robe will just have to do. So he pulls the robe around his body tightly, hoping to trick his brain into thinking he's not alone, then shuffles out of the bathroom and sits on the bed.

He needs to make some calls. Or ask people to make some calls for him. He's just so tired.

He calls Amanda first, after he sees a simple text saying, 'Okay' in response to his mass announcement hours ago. Accepting, since there had been no other choice in the matter. He feels like he should call Eric's parents, despite everything. But when he mentions it, all she says is,

"Just…" Amanda sniffles, "Brian, I can talk to Emmett, Cynthia, and Michael. We can start to sort through some things. We won't make any big decisions without you. You're in charge. As for my parents? I'll handle them."

"Are they…" Brian starts, closing his eyes, "Are they mad that I-"

"No. Brian, no. Dad is a lawyer. He understands Eric's will completely and what he would have wanted. He knows you made a necessary decision and that it came down to you. He's grieving for his son but he's also worried about you. I've never seen him like this," Amanda admits, her voice breaking, "I've never seen my dad cry, let alone this hard. I haven't seen George cry either, at least not that I can remember, but I've seen him cry twice in the last 48 hours. They...They both want you to know they care about you and are here for you though. Mom...Mom is inconsolable. She hasn't said much about anything at all. She's too gone in her head. I don't know how she feels about your decision to take him off of life support this morning, but if she starts having problems with it later, Dad and I will deal with her. Don't stress about us, okay? Focus on yourself right now, and Lily. Get some rest."

"I'm so fucking tired," Brian says, his voice cracking on the last word as his face crumbles before he reigns it all back in.

"I know," Amanda says softly, "I know you are. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just...Just go to sleep. Please? Eric would want you to rest up so that you can be there for Lily later. I'm worried about you. You're going to give yourself a heart attack if you keep it up much longer."

He calls Ted after. His first thought is to call Emmett but Emmett has already dealt with so much of everything and had told everyone what happened because Brian couldn't do it. Brian might not have been focused on it, but Emmett had looked exhausted before Brian went over to Eric's room. Emmett needs a break too.

So he calls Ted because Ted handles all of his accounts and Eric's personal accounts. Ted should know so that he can get started on everything. But instead of giving him a rundown list of everything needing to be done, Brian finds himself only able to say a few words.

"Eric's dead," Brian says tiredly, "I need help."

"What…" Ted starts, then clears his throat, "Brian, when you say 'help' do you mean with paperwork or is this something more serious and personal? Either way, I'll come to you. I am in a hotel a few blocks over so I can be there fast-"

"I need to sleep," Brian says again, his own voice sounding like a broken record, "I need to sleep and a lot of stuff needs to get done. Can you organize some paperwork and let the rest of our friends and family know that Eric's go-"

Brian stops, takes a moment to gather himself, then tries again.

"I just really need to sleep, Ted," he ends up saying instead.

"Okay," Ted says, "I can...I can tell everyone. You just rest, Bri. For as long as you need to."

After Brian hangs up, he lies down on the bed and pulls the robe tightly around him. He only drifts off when he wills himself to believe it's Eric's arms around him instead. He wants to dream about him. Maybe this way, he will.

-------------------------

"I want to stay with Dad."

The words have Mel sharply turning her head as she feels her wife freeze next to her in the booth. It had been a solemn and quiet morning. Gus had been prepared - or as prepared as one can be for something as awful as this - when she and Lindsey had to announce Eric's passing to him. The announcement of Eric being brain dead and Lily being severely injured had hit Gus hard. The news had their son crying like she hasn't seen him cry in years before he demanded to go to Philadelphia. They kept JR with Ben and Felix. It would be too much for her to see Eric and Lily like that if Mel even let JR see them at all. It had been better to keep JR in Toronto for all of this, especially after she had gotten so upset by the news and seeing her brother get so emotional. Plus, JR has always processed her feelings well with Ben. It would give her someone to talk to. It would give Ben someone to talk to as well. JR will be okay. Ben will take JR and Felix to New York when it is time to follow Brian and Lily home for the arrangements, and she will spend time with all three of her brothers. She will be healthy, alive, happy, and safe and stay that way.

Mel just isn't sure about Gus.

"Sweetheart…" Lindsey starts out, as if she's choosing her words carefully, "He's not doing well right now, emotionally. He's going to have a very rough time for quite a while. I don't know if -"

"At least until after New Year's," Gus continues as if he hasn't even heard his mother's response, "He shouldn't be by himself."

"Gus, I promise you," Mel says, finally speaking up, "Your dad isn't going to be by himself. He has close friends in New York and I think Cynthia is planning on working from the New York branch, at least for a while-"

"He'll push them away!" Gus snaps, slamming his hand down on the table, "The more concern and love they show, the more he will claim he doesn't need their pity. You know him. You know him. He won't do that to Lily and he won't do that to me but Lily isn't awake yet and she's fucking four so I am the one who should be there for him, alright?!"

The small rant has Gus gripping his napkin and breathing out through his nose with frustration. The other patrons in the diner ignore him, as if they know what this is likely about. Melanie wouldn't be surprised if some are in the same exact position, with loved ones who had been hurt or killed in this god awful attack. They probably completely understand where Gus is coming from.

Lindsey lets out a breath, "Sweetheart, you still have another week of school before break. You have a few more finals-"

"Then I will ask if I can write research papers and email them instead!" Gus says, "Or I will fail. I don't give a shit. That's fucking nothing. I'd probably do badly if I went back and crammed everything in after the service anyway."

Lindsey looks as if she's trying to figure out another way to get him to stay, another way to protect her teenage son from feeling the need to take care of his father.

"What about…" Lindsey starts, "What about Penelope-"

"She'll understand!" Gus yells before pressing a fist to his mouth. Before he can blow up more or storm out of the restaurant altogether, Mel places a hand on his arm and leans in.

"We'll talk to your dad about it later," Mel says, "You are thinking ahead. I understand why, but we will be close by at least for another couple of days, until Lily is transferred and a date is decided for a service. But we can't bring this up to him today, alright? Your dad...Your dad just lost Eric a few hours ago. Any more pressure put on him today about anything might send him over the edge. He needs to say yes or no when his mind is a little bit clearer. Today, he just needs to rest. Ted said he sounded exhausted. When he's rested up, we can maybe bring it up. If he says yes, then you staying with him for a few weeks can be an option. But if he says no, don't take it personally. We can ask in a couple of days."

Gus doesn't have anything to say to that. He just stares down at his plate before pushing it away.

Lindsey lets out a sigh, "Gus, sweetheart, you need to eat-"

"I'm not hungry."

Mel can't blame him. She doesn't think any of them are.

------------------

From what Emmett can witness, Brian sleeps hours upon hours. And he does witness it. He had kept a spare key, possibly demanded that the front desk concierge print a third one. Fucking sue him for not leaving his newly widowed friend in a hotel room by himself, at least until Michael got off of Lily duty. He's glad he kept it, especially when Ted reached out and said Brian just kept repeating that he wanted to sleep and while Ted had been sure Brian needed the rest, he sounded off.

The offness could have been contributed to grief, sadness, and sleep deprivation. Apparently, it had been. But at the time, Emmett hadn't been sure and he distinctly remembers Brian going off the rails after he witnessed Justin's bashing, even after it had been revealed that Justin would be okay. It didn't help that - when Emmett revealed his concerns to Michael - Michael told him he walked in on Brian trying to hang himself on his thirtieth birthday, just because he was having a crisis about his age. Turning thirty is nothing compared to this.

Brian has grown since then though. He has changed and found better ways to cope. He doesn't put quite as much value in age or appearances as he used to. He's a full-time father and a good one at that. But he has never gone through something as stressful and heart wrenching as this. Emmett is going to worry. They all are. Besides, worrying gives Emmett more to do. Worrying and tending to anything Brian might need distracts him from his own grief for Eric, not to mention his own concerns about Lily and the continuous ache he has for his own child back home.

Emmett sticks the key into Room 616's slot and hopes the whirring from the lock doesn't wake Brian. A few steps in tells him that it hadn't. Brian is deeply asleep on the bed, wrapped up in a complimentary robe. Despite being asleep, his face still looks grief stricken, exhausted, and lost. Emmett lets out a sigh, then puts some lunch in the mini fridge that he picked up from down the street, before leaving him a note on the nightstand to let him know there's food ready for him to eat. Emmett has a sinking feeling that Brian won't eat it, but he really hopes that isn't the case.

He heads to his own room then, two floors down. Drew is sitting on the bed and on the phone as Emmett slips in. Drew takes one look at him, covers the mouthpiece, and whispers, "Justin."

Emmett nods as he puts their own lunches down next to the TV, "Can you put him on speaker?"

Drew nods and presses on his screen. Immediately, Emmett can hear a little bit of sniffling and he can only assume that Justin knows now, whether Ted delivered the news or Drew did. Regardless, Emmett is relieved he didn't have to make any calls this round and that he doesn't have to break the news about Eric dying right now.

"Hey, Justin," Emmett says tiredly, "How are...nevermind. I know the answer. How's my baby?"

There's a few seconds of silence on the line before Justin says, "He's okay. Better than a couple of days ago. He's had a few nightmares. Reached out for Molly immediately. He's latched himself onto her. Apparently, that's common."

"I'm glad she's there," Emmett says, "If she's looking for any work to pick up until she starts school in the fall, Kendra is moving back to Michigan in January. She could watch him a couple of days a week."

"She might appreciate the offer," Justin says softly, "How are you doing?"

"...I don't know," Emmett admits hoarsely as Drew takes his hand in his own, "The uh...The anticipation is over. In the worst way, but still...the waiting was hard, knowing what was eventually going to happen. Brian must have had a moment where he felt he could face it. He didn't want anyone in the room with him. I guess he wanted to be alone with Eric during those last...anyway, now I'm just worried about Lily and Brian. We are getting things set up. Brian still has to make all of the big decisions but we are just making it so he won't be so overwhelmed and will have the options and paperwork right in front of him, ready to go."

"Is…" Justin starts, "Is Brian…"

"Brian's asleep," Emmett says softly, "None of us saw him after Eric passed, so I don't know how he was. He apparently went to the hotel room to call Amanda and Ted so that they would know to spread the word. They both said he sounded exhausted and just kept talking about wanting to go to sleep. He...He really needed it. I don't think he's slept much since arriving, if he's slept at all. I have a spare key to his room, so I'm checking in on him every so often, but he's out cold."

"He shouldn't be alone when he wakes up," Justin rasps out, "I'm serious. He might have been too exhausted to react much this morning, but he's going to remember once he wakes up-"

"I got a double," Emmett interrupts, "Michael is staying in the other bed. If Brian really demands to be alone, we have a pullout couch in here that Michael can stay on. But we made sure Brian would have someone in the room with him if he needed it."

"Okay," Justin says, his voice shaky, "Alright, that's good. Um, Molly is about to bring Duncan in so that they can make lunch with Hunter. You want to talk to him?"

"Always," Emmett answers. And he means it.

He and Drew sit side by side as they wait for the telltale signs of pattering footsteps running into the kitchen. Even though they barely hear them over the phone, they're still there, accompanied with a, "Daddddyyyyy! Paaa!"

"I miss you!" Duncan says immediately, as soon as he's on the line.

"I miss you too, sweetheart," Emmett says, tears immediately filling his eyes as he tries to smile, "Are you having fun with Justin, Hunter, and Molly?"

"Yes, Daddy," Duncan confirms, "We are making a snow fort for me, Stella, and Archie."

Emmett can't help but smile slightly at Molly's enunciation of the dog's true name in the background, all while Hunter laughs with what is likely vindication.

"A snow fort?" Drew exclaims once Molly makes her correction, "There's that much snow back home?"

"Yes!"

"That sounds like so much fun, baby," Emmett says, then clears his throat, "You're being good, right?"

Duncan takes a second longer to answer that one, "I got mad before, because I was very worried. So I got mad and I pushed Molly and felt very bad, then throwed my toys. I don't know why. But Molly help me calm down and I learned coping skills."

"Oh, yeah?" Drew asks, sounding concerned but also a little amused, likely due to the words 'coping skills' out of their four year old's mouth, "What are your coping skills?"

"Play with Stella because she loves me," Duncan begins to list, "Draw - with Justin or by myself, and talk to Molly since Lily is sleeping and you both aren't here."

The mention of Lily makes Emmett's heart sink and he can see a frown etching its way on Drew's face as well.

"Is Lily up yet?" Duncan asks desperately, "Molly said she is sleeping for days and it's been days. Can you wake her up now?"

Drew breathes out through his nose, "I'm sorry, buddy. We aren't the ones who can wake her up. Only the doctors can start doing that and see if Lily is ready to wake up."

"But I want her to wake up now," Duncan stresses.

"Hey, Duncan?" Emmett says, trying to redirect his son, "You're supposed to make lunch with Molly and Hunter, right? What are you making?"

"Shepoor's Pie," Duncan says, still sounding troubled.

"Shepherd's Pie? That sounds really good," Drew says, "If you guys don't eat it all, put some in the freezer so we can try it when we get home."

"You're coming home now?" Duncan asks hopefully.

"Not...Not today, sweetie," Emmett says, "Soon though, okay? A couple of days max."

"Days," Duncan mumbles, annoyed and dejected, "Days, days, days. Everything is days."

"I'll…" Drew starts, glancing at Emmett with hesitation, "I'll try to come back sooner if I can."

Emmett isn't going to argue about it with Drew. He wants him here with him, of course he does, but between the two of them and Duncan, Duncan comes first every time.

"We'll figure out something soon," Emmett ends up saying, "Have fun making lunch with Hunter and Molly, okay? We love you very much."

"I love you too," Duncan says, "Bye, Daddy. Bye, Pa."

Duncan hangs up before they can say goodbye in return or ask him to put Justin back on the phone.

Drew clears his throat, "I...With Michael, Lindsey, Mel, Ted, Blake, Cynthia, and Debbie here, I was thinking at least one of us could go back home," Drew says softly, "I don't like what this is doing to Duncan and I have a feeling it might get worse in some ways after we tell him about Eric. We can also make sure everything is okay at Brian's house, check on the rats-"

"Oh my God, the rats!" Emmett says, standing up in horror but Drew shakes his head and pulls him back onto the bed.

"They're fine," Drew insists, "Malia and Jess have both been checking in on them. But I figured we could keep them at the house until Lily is transferred or back home. I suppose I could tell Justin where our spare key to Brian's house is, have him pick them up. But I…"

"You miss Duncan and you're worried about him," Emmett finishes, "I'm worried too. It's just...I don't know if Michael can stay for very long. He just had a baby and I know he wants to be with Brian but he also wants to be with his son. I don't know about Lindsey, Mel, and Gus, but I know Gus's school is in session. Cynthia will probably stay with Brian. Ted will probably keep Kinnetik in order while they are both dealing with this. Eric's siblings and parents might stick around but I don't know how much comfort they will be able to offer Brian. Debbie could stay too, maybe, but she has a new grandson."

"You're afraid to leave Brian alone," Drew says softly, "I understand. That's why I could go back home to be with Duncan if you feel like you are needed here."

Emmett nods, but then lets out a quiet sob, "I just want you with me right now."

Drew wraps his arms around Emmett and kisses his temple, "I'm here, Emmett. I'm right here."

---------------------------

Brian wakes up to darkness and utter confusion as to where the fuck he is. He sits up and looks around, then spots an alarm clock next to him that claims it is 7:30. But is it night or morning? It's December, so Brian knows it would be lighter if it was morning. Last he remembers, he was…

He rushes to the bathroom and retches into the toilet, throwing up absolutely nothing because he hasn't eaten in days. He feels uncontrollably dizzy and sick, although not as bad as he felt this morning. But he hurts. Everything fucking hurts. He can't do this, he can't, he can't-

"Brian?" he hears a voice say. The ringing in his ears and the thoughts rattling around in his head keeps him from recognizing it at first. It's a man's voice, but he's desperate for it to be Eric's. He wants Eric back, he wants him back so badly. He doesn't know how he would react if it was Eric though. Probably bawl like a fucking baby and freak his husband out. Husband. Husband. Brian doesn't have a husband anymore. He's not a husband anymore. He's a fucking widower.

He can't do this.

"Brian!" the voice repeats, accompanied with a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, are you sick? Do you need me to get help?"

Michael. It's Michael's voice. He still wants it to be Eric's voice, almost to the point where he refuses to accept it being anyone else's. However, it means Brian isn't alone. He doesn't know if he wants company or not. He didn't want it this morning. This morning, he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Now, his mind is a little less fucked up, although Brian still feels like he's about to fall apart at the seams.

"Hey," Michael murmurs, getting down on his knees to rub Brian's back, "I got us dinner. You want to eat and put on a movie? Just relax for a little bit?"

Brian doesn't know what to say to that. No? He doesn't want it, so that's the right answer. But he doesn't know what he is supposed to do instead. There has to be something else that he's supposed to do-

"I need to go be with Lily," Brian says helplessly.

"Cynthia and Amanda are with Lily," Michael says, "Call them if you're worried, but just focus on yourself tonight, okay? So you can feel a little better tomorrow."

Brian doesn't expect to feel any better in a year, let alone in a day. He doesn't have it in him to argue or insist that Michael's wrong - that he should be with Lily now since his life won't be any less fucked tomorrow. But he can't. He isn't sure he even has it in him to talk. Michael must sense that because he's just helping Brian to his feet to walk him over to the bed.

"Eat," Michael says pointedly, giving him a bag from Panera, "I got a little bit of everything. I don't care what you eat from that bag, just eat something."

Brian looks into the bag, "I'm not hungry, Michael."

"Brian, you literally haven't eaten in days," Michael stresses, "I know you are hurting, I can't imagine how badly - I don't even want to try - but you need to stay on top of your shit, at least the basic necessities. You have a little girl in the hospital. She might be waking up soon and-"

Brian turns his head up sharply, "You get more news on her?"

Michael's expression becomes tender, "Not officially, but they say she's continuing to stabilize and that her vitals are looking good. It sounds like they will be pulling her off the sedation meds soon. It's probably up to you if they do it before or after they transfer her."

Brian nods numbly, but then the numbness unexpectedly breaks. He doesn't know why, but he lets out an unexpected whine and quickly hides his face as soon as Michael walks closer.

"Brian, please," Michael says, sitting down next to him, "Talk to me or someone. At least cry or punch a wall. Fuck the deposit."

Brian lets out a few gasping cries before rubbing his face and choking out, "I should call Cynthia. See how Lily is doing."

"...Okay," Michael says sadly, still rubbing Brian's back, "Alright."

The information Cynthia gives him is the same as what Michael relayed. The only new development is that Brian eats a sandwich and some soup from the bag, even if it is only to get Michael to stop staring at him like he is going to drop dead any second.

---------------------------

They arrange for Eric's body to be transferred to a funeral home in Greenwich Village and for Lily to be transferred to Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital at NYU on 34th Street Thursday morning. Brian rides by Lily's side while Emmett drives his car back to Brooklyn. Brian can't help but feel debilitating guilt for not riding down with Eric too, but he knows Eric would want him with Lily and he knows he couldn't handle riding next to a black bag containing his husband's body. It would make this all more real.

Lindsey, Mel, and Gus are in their car behind the ambulance and Brian finds himself looking out the back window door to check on them, to make sure they aren't struggling with the icy roads or being run off of it by more domestic terrorists.

It's the first time Brian has actually thought about who caused his life to fall apart. It's still Brian's fault and Brian can't let himself forget that, but it's their fault too. They hadn't just caused the train to crash and severely hurt a four year old girl. They shot his husband in the back of the head. Eric had been murdered.

And he is going to have to tell Lily when she wakes up. Whether that be today or tomorrow, Brian doesn't know. He just knows it will be soon.

He barely survived the last few days. How the fuck is he going to survive that?

The drive takes several hours but they do arrive at the hospital by 2 pm, where he's told they are hooking her up to an IV drip for pain but not for sedation since they were already weaning her off on Wednesday and didn't have her on it in the ambulance. Lily's new doctor suspects she should start to wake up by this evening and become coherent tomorrow morning.

Even though Brian is desperate to hear his daughter's voice and see her dark brown eyes again, there is a part of him that wants her to sleep through all of this, sleep until Brian can get through at least some of his shit, until he can figure out a way to tell her that her Papa is never coming back. That it's Brian's faul-

"Dad?"

Brian might not have initially recognized Michael's voice on Tuesday night, but he's gotten more sleep and he's not starving himself anymore so he can actually comprehend shit a little better now.

"Hmm?" Brian brings himself to respond and Gus takes it as an invitation to sit down in the chair on the other side of the bed.

"I was wondering…" Gus starts, staring at his sister, "I was wondering if I could stay with you this month. Until my break is over, at least."

Brian meets his son's eyes, "Your break doesn't start until a couple of days before Christmas."

Gus shrugs, "My teachers know what's going on. They said I can email them my classwork and do papers instead of finals. If I don't get them all done, they said they would just give me an incomplete and let me have until mid-January to catch up so that they can give me an official grade. I'll be fine."

"That's considerate," Brian says, not knowing what else to say.

Gus nods, eyeing Brian carefully, "So can I? Stay with you? Please?"

Brian takes his time to answer, then lets out a sigh, "Gus, I'm not going to be home very much. I will be here. I'm not sure how long they will keep Lily after she wakes up."

"I don't mind," Gus says, inching closer to the bed, "I'll stay with her too. I want to stay with both of you. Even if there is a day that I don't, I am more than old enough to stay by myself at the house."

Brian doesn't even know what to fucking say. The last few days, anytime Gus was around, Brian felt like he was seconds from getting overly emotional because seeing Gus so upset makes him feel upset and Brian can't get even more upset right now. He can't, because he barely has his head above water and if he sinks any lower, he will fucking drown in the pain and sorrow already threatening to consume him.

But it would also cause him pain to deny his son, especially with a request to fucking spend more time with him. He had done that once when Gus was 11 and hated himself in that moment. He promised to never do it again.

But Brian also knows he can't care for Gus in a way that he deserves right now. He probably doesn't have it in him to care for Lily either but he's the only parent she has left. Cynthia is her mother by blood but Lily doesn't know that, not yet. Even though he knows Cynthia would take her if it came down to it, he can't do that to Lily when Brian's her parent. Gus has two loving mothers that he lives with.

He doesn't know what to fucking do.

"I don't know," Brian says honestly, his voice barely above a whisper, "I'm going to be really busy. I'm not in a place where I can do stuff with you like when you normally visit-"

"I know that," Gus interrupts quickly, but then his voice softens, "I'm not expecting the two of us to go see a show on Broadway or something. I just want to help out and be with you and Lily."

"I…" Brian starts and shuts his eyes, "Gus, you're 15. You shouldn't feel the need to help out with something like this. I don't want you to help. Not because I don't think you can, but because I don't even want to fucking do this -"

Brian's voice breaks and he quickly cuts himself off before he gets Gus uncomfortable or upset. It doesn't seem to work much. Tears fill Gus's eyes and it makes Brian feel even shittier.

"It…" Brian says as soon as he feels somewhat confident he can talk again, "It would be nice to have you here. You know I love it when you're here. It depends on your moms and what they want, I guess."

Gus sniffles, "They said it was your decision but not to bug you too much about it or get upset if you said no."

"...I'm not saying no," Brian eventually says, "But you will probably be happier being with your moms this break. I'm not saying that to persuade you to change your mind but...Fuck, things are going to be rough for a while."

"I know," Gus says, looking down at his feet, "But I would be worrying too much about y-...Lily if I went back up to Toronto after the service. I'm her big brother. She needs me. I want to be here with her."

Gus takes Lily's hand, as if to make a point, and it is probably the only thing since early Saturday morning to slightly amuse him since Lily has had a habit of being the bane of Gus's existence. If the situation weren't less dire and upsetting, Brian might point this out.

He just doesn't have it in him.

"I suppose..." Brian says quietly, "I suppose you can stay for your break if you get all of your schoolwork done and turned in when it's originally due. Your teachers might be okay with you turning in your work late, but I would prefer it if you didn't. So if you're going to be doing a lot of sitting around at the hospital or in the house, please try to get it finished. That's what will help me. Obviously, you don't have to focus on school the day of the service…"

Brian trails off and his gaze becomes fixated on the wall behind Gus's head. He doesn't say anything after that and Gus takes the hint.

-----------------

It's hard to escape news of Eric's death. It's all over the news. He's not just a name on a list of casualties. He's one of the most successful architects in the world. He might not be a celebrity but his name is known by people even outside of the architectural and art industries. His name is attached to buildings in several major cities and now his name and face are both attached to every major news network. Justin doesn't know who blabbed to the media, but he knows it wasn't any of the family since they are all stressing out about Brian possibly getting upset by how much Eric and Lily are being shown on TV. It's being hashed out in a group text that - for some reason - Brian isn't a part of. No, Justin knows the reason. The reason is because Brian is internalizing everything and barely holding it together, or at least that's what Justin is gathering from the concerned tidbits he's gotten, and the gang needs some sort of outlet to communicate about him. Justin is honestly surprised that he's included though. He doesn't have much to say. He hasn't seen Brian yet.

But he's seen the reports of Eric and Lily being found near death, the only thing saving Lily being a tourniquet made from a ripped piece of fabric from Eric's shirt. He's seen news anchors hail Eric as a hero who saved his daughter's life before being fucking murdered. He doesn't have to imagine that hard about how Brian is doing.

His phone pings again and as he picks it up, he expects it to be Michael trying to set up a plan to make this go as smoothly as possible for Brian or Emmett inquiring about the pros and cons of having an open casket viewing since that was the one thing Eric never specified on in his will, apparently. But it isn't Michael or Emmett or Ted or Debbie.

It's Nathan.

Is it true?

Fuck. Fuck. He never told Nathan.

Nathan and Eric had been friends, even after Justin and Nathan had broken up. Eric had straight up told Justin that while Brian was very much on Justin's side, Eric refused to go one way or another and would continue to reach out to Justin's ex. Justin had appreciated it. He respected Eric for the honesty and care he showed both him and Nathan.

So Justin calls Nathan instead of texting his confirmation because he can at least do that for him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Justin says before Nathan can say a word, "I'm sorry you had to find out from the news or from someone else. I was with Duncan until Wednesday night. Drew and Emmett went to Philadelphia to be with Brian and didn't want Duncan leaving the area or going to school since we didn't know and still don't know what's happening. Molly and Hunter were with me, so it wasn't like I was the only one watching him but I didn't even think about calling anyone since Emmett was making all of the calls."

"...Fuck, Justin."

The words come out strangled and Justin feels incredibly guilty because Eric had been Nathan's friend and had been someone Nathan was beginning to turn to. Justin's romantic relationship with Nathan might be over, but Justin wanted that for him, he wanted it so badly. And Eric had been a good friend to Nathan, a great one.

"I'm sorry," Justin says again, sniffling, "I know you were close with Eric. I should have called you, I should have fucking called you, but I have barely been able to think. Everyone is so fucking sad and upset and things are a mess. I slept on the couch in our old...in Hunter's and Molly's place because I didn't want to be alone. This is the first time I have actually been in my own apartment. I'm already dying to go back downstairs but I'm trying not to since Hunter and Molly probably want the place to themselves."

"So you're uh…" Nathan starts, "So you're home?"

"Yeah," Justin says, closing his eyes, "It doesn't really feel like home yet but I'm home. How are you-"

The line clicks and is followed by a beep.

Well, shit.

Justin's not sure what to make of that. Nathan could sometimes be hard to read when they were still together, but now - especially over the phone - Justin has to scrutinize what headspace Nathan might be in and that's what he continues to do until his buzzer rings.

Justin doesn't even know if he wants to get up to check to see who it is. He might not want to be alone, but he isn't up for talking either. But he should probably see if the new doorbell monitor system works since he paid for them to work in every apartment in the building, even for the tenants who don't have violent, psychotic stalkers.

So he gets up, walks over to the door, and clicks the button on the monitor to turn on the camera, only to see Nathan standing there, bundled up in a winter jacket and his shoulders hunched up for the cold.

It's been months since Nathan entered this building as someone who is more than a friend, but the sight still makes his heart skip a beat.

"Westley?" Justin says as soon as he intercoms the newly installed front desk, "You can let him in."

Justin watches the monitor closely as Nathan is buzzed in and disappears from view. Soon enough, he can hear Nathan on the stairs before the sound of footsteps approach his door. Nathan only gets one knock in before Justin swings the door open.

"Hey," Justin says, his eyes glued to Nathan, trying to figure out where to go from here.

Nathan holds his gaze, his own eyes wet and tender.

"Hey."

They should talk. Comfort each other through their words, not with each other's touch and lips and the feel of bare skin against bare skin like they end up doing instead.

But it's too much. This is easier. It's something to do when there's too much to say yet nothing to be said that will make things any better.