Chapter 4

Justin lay in bed before Brian woke up. He started thinking about Jimmy.  Jimmy had talked to him in his mind from time to time but he hadn’t talked to him without words very often so he wasn’t sure if Jimmy could hear him or not but he hoped he could.  Jimmy, I don’t know if you can hear me.  I don’t know what happened last night with you and Brian but he seems different.

Justin heard the bells ring softly.

Good, you are listening.  I just didn’t want you to leave without letting you know I am going to miss you.  It is time for you to go back where you belong and I hope Chip can help you figure out where that is.  Do you want to stay at your apartment?  I think there is a place beyond.  Would you like to go there?

Justin tried to hear Jimmy and then was sure he heard ‘my apartment’.  

I think you are welcome there.  Callie’s family welcomes you as long as you don’t start throwing things at them like you did Brian.  Justin smiled at the thought of Jimmy turning off the treadmill.  I’m glad he didn’t bruise that beautiful ass.

‘Needed to listen.  He’s a good man. Loves you.’

I know that, Justin thought.  He almost said it twice last night so I don’t know what you said but it hit home for him. He seemed a little different last night.  Thank you for that.

Justin laid there trying to listen for anything more.  Eventually he knew Jimmy was gone again. He moved a bit and then long, strong arms pulled him close and Justin let thoughts of Jimmy drift off as Brian started seducing him.  Justin tried to act like he was asleep but within seconds he couldn’t resist Brian’s attention.

Chip contacted Justin that he and his assistant would arrive around 11:30.  Justin felt the need to pick up a bit.  He noticed the pillow in the corner and realized that might be the one James had aimed at Brian. Justin tossed it at Brian as he came from the bedroom. Brian rushed him and they ended up running around the treadmill a few times before Justin let himself get caught.  He wasn’t sure when Brian had looked so relaxed.  Damn, he wished he knew what he talked about with Jimmy last night. Whatever it was it seemed to lighten Brian’s psyche somehow. 

By the time Chip arrived, the apartment was picked up and Brian had returned with lunch for the three of them.  Chip’s assistant had plans so it was just the three of them. There were no cameras or crew. As they ate, Justin explained how they learned to interact with James.  He hinted to the sexual nature of the interaction in the last two weeks but how, as the time went on, the relationship grew.          

“You know,  I am very envious.  I have met my share of spirits, both gentle and vicious but I have never had a real relationship with one.  He really has taken to you. Are you worried he won’t leave?”

“No, he’s ready to go back. He told me he missed his apartment although he asked if I would visit.” Justin had a pang of sadness cross his face.  Brian, sitting next to him, put an arm around his shoulders.

“I can see why he enjoyed his stay here.  He probably enjoyed watching the two of you so in love.”  As Chip said it, Brian removed his arm and put space between them.

“Hell, he didn’t only watch.”

Chips eyes opened wide. “I have to admit, I am curious what happens with that. I mean he didn’t take a physical form, did he?”

“No, we could just feel his presence come around us. He definitely showed up but if we asked him to leave he would.” Justin wanted Chip to know Jimmy had been a pleasant houseguest.

“How did you know when he was around?”

“Hey James, are you here?” Justin said into the air.   There was a soft jingle from the bedroom.  “The bell was Brian’s idea.  He was a little uncomfortable at first.”

“At first? He is nosy and likes to annoy…” Brian stopped.  “I guess he really was just lonely.” Justin leaned over and kissed Brian’s cheek.

“He is sad to leave.  As soon as I arrived, I knew he was near but he didn’t come forward until we started talking about him.  If he is ready to leave, this will not take long.  Back to knowing he was around  It sounds like you communicated more with him.”

Justin explained about the automatic writing and how that seemed to really tire him out quickly but then he started using the computer.  He could talk longer that way.

“Do you know how astounding that is?” Chip was enthralled at the events.  He got quiet for a moment before continuing.  “James is very thankful he met you.  He said you treated me like a friend, Justin.  He loves you for that and Brian,” he paused again. “I’m not sure… he is saying you understand each other.”

“Well, he thinks he knows me.” Brian felt the air move around him and looked around to make sure there wasn’t a pillow coming his way.

“James says he knows your heart.”

“Well, he doesn’t!” Brian snapped.

Justin reached for Brian’s hand.  “I think that is something they will have to agree to disagree about.

“James says he is ready to go.” As Chip said it, Justin felt engulfed in the coolness he had become familiar with.  As he felt a comfort from inside, he heard ‘check computer’ in his head.  Justin teared up as he felt James move away and then he saw the look on Brian’s face change.

Brian felt him enter and was instantly overwhelmed by a feeling of despair and then he heard. ‘You aren’t alone like I am. You don’t want to be like me.’ And then he felt totally alone for a moment.  Justin saw the look on his face and instinctively hugged Brian.  That only lasted for a moment before Brian stood up and rushed away into the bedroom and out of sight.

Chip was the first to speak.  “Justin, I am going to guide James back.  He has already moved a distance away.”

“He will be alright, won’t he?” Justin asked, worried about his new friend.

“Yes, he is going back to his safe place. He said he didn’t want to move on.”

“I asked him that, too.  I thought he didn’t know how but he just doesn’t want to.  He wants to stay where he knows what to expect.”

“You understand him well. I think my work is done here.  He is gone and I am sure he made his way back to his apartment.  If you ever want to do another ghost hunt…”

“Thanks, Chip, but I don’t think I could do that again.”

“I can tell you this is not the normal experience.  You are obviously sensitive to spirits.  I am sure I could teach you to…”

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

Chip’s assistant arrived and Justin walked him to the door, “Is Brian going to be Ok?” 

Justin glanced over his shoulder to the bedroom and then back to Chip.  “Ya, it may take him a bit but he doesn’t let anything stay with him.  He’s a survivor.

The men hugged at the door and as the lift went down, Justin locked the door.  He looked toward the bedroom. He took a deep breath and moved toward the steps.  As he moved into the bedroom he saw Brian was changing.  

“Are you going somewhere?” Justin slipped his arms around his waist from behind.

“Ya, I need to go into work.  I will try to be home by 8:00 or so and then we can go to Babylon.  I feel like dancing and fucking all night.”  He moved out of Justin’s arms.  “I’ll see you later.”  He gave Justin a quick kiss and he was gone.

 Justin watched him go.  He knew there would be some reaction but he was unsure what it would be partly because he had no idea what James had said to Brian.  From Brian’s reaction, whatever he said had hit him hard and had to be true.  If it was untrue, Brian would have been mad and he would have retaliated.  Instead, Brian was running from something that must be true or had truth to it.  Why did he have to make everything so difficult?”

Justin called Daphne and asked if she wanted to come over for a while.  She had stopped by a couple times while JD was around but he hadn’t done anything when she was around.  Now that he was gone and Brian had fled, he needed to talk to someone.  She said she would be there in an hour or so.  

By the time Daphne arrived, Justin was more worked up.  He hated it when his mind ran wild and that was exactly what was happening. Justin hugged her and didn’t want to let go. “Justin, what is it? Why are you upset?”

“I don’t know what Jimmy said to Brian but it has him really worked up and I have this feeling that if he said the wrong thing, Brian may just tell me to go.  I know Jimmy believed we belonged together and you know how Bri feels about commitment.”

“I thought you were sure he loved you even though he hadn’t said the words.”

“I am but that doesn’t mean he realizes it or will admit it.” Justin paced back and forth.  “And now tonight he wants to go to Babylon to drink and fuck.  I really thought we were kind of past that.  I mean we go there and dance and hang out from time to time but it is rare if we go to the back room and if we do, we do it together.  I think he is thinking differently tonight. He wants to have a night like he used to.”

“Justin, if he really loves you he will realize that isn’t what he wants.”

“I know that but if he feels like Jimmy is trying to force him to do something…”

“James Dean is gone.  Brian should realize he can’t make him do anything.”

They went back and for about half an hour but eventually Daphne had Justin calmed down a bit and assured him if he needed to get away for a time, he was always welcome at her apartment.”

Daphne left the loft at 7:00 so Justin could get ready and then rushed to Kinnetik hoping to catch Brian before he left.  

Brian had fled to the office.  He needed time to think.  He couldn’t stop running James’ words through his mind.  He had reminded Brian that being alone and lonely was no way to live, or die.  Why couldn’t he face love? He rarely feared what was to come but was he sure he wanted to do life alone?

All of the sudden he realized someone was knocking on the back door near his office.  He had texted Michael a couple hours ago but he hadn’t responded. Maybe he had stopped by instead of texting or calling. Brian pushed the door open and was surprised when Daphne pushed her way in.

“Let me guess.  He is worried about me so he sent you over.”

“Hell no! He would never send me here.  He would rather worry himself sick.”

“Mind your own fuckin’ business.  If it wasn’t for you, none of this would have happened because Sunshine wouldn't have brought a spirit home.” Brian verbally struck out at her.

“What did he say to you, Brian? What made you so scared?”

‘Scared? I’m not not scared.  I was just tired of having a know it all ghost try to tell me what I am thinking and feeling.  I want to go out and celebrate tonight. We got rid of him.”

“Why are you so hostile, Brian? Did Jimmy tell you the truth about something you don’t want to face?  I sometimes wonder why Justin stays with you.  He could have so many guys and they would be able to show him love. You know you love him, you asshole.  Do you really want to be alone?”

“I wouldn’t be alone.  I can always get someone willing to fuck.”

“Brian,” Daph took a deep breath and softened her tone, “Do you really want to make him go? I can’t imagine my life without that amazing man. Can you?” She started to reach for his arm but she saw him step back. “Sometimes love, real love. Only comes around once.”  Daphne started toward the door. She stopped and looked at him, “Please don’t tell him I stopped by.  If he is mad at me I don’t know who he would turn to.” She then stepped out into the alley and she was gone.

Brian sank into his chair.  He didn’t need any of this.  Brian Kinney didn’t need anybody.  He had his business with made him plenty of money and he could always find a warm body to fuck. As he got ready to go he started to turn off the lights in the office, he looked around.  For the first time he wondered if that really was enough. And even if it was enough, didn’t he want all there was?

By the time Brian arrived at the loft, Justin had calmed down.  After Daphne had left he had felt better.  He was ready for the evening.  He had dressed in a new shirt he had been saving for a special occasion and the jeans he was wearing made it nearly impossible to sit down. He kind of hoped Brian would decide to stay home. 

As the loft door opened, Justin walked away from the door so Brian got a look at his favorite view.   Justin heard a low growl from Brian, “Damn, what the hell are you trying to do to me?”

Justin acted as if he had not planned anything.  “Oh, hey Brian.  I just thought I would wear these tonight.  I thought you enjoyed them.”

Brian walked over and yanked Justin against him and kissed him powerfully.  Justin’s body melted against him but it only lasted for a minute.  Brian stepped back and stated, “I will hurry up so we can get out of here. Can you pour me a Jack?” Brian sprang up the steps.  By the time Justin brought the drink to him, Brian had pulled on a pair of jeans and was digging through the closet for the right shirt.  Justin handed him the drink and then started looking himself.  He found his favorite shirt and he pulled it out.  

“How about this one?”  Justin said as he held it up to Brian.

“Oh, ya, I kind of forgot about that one.”

Justin helped him slip it on, kissing Brian’s shoulders and back as he helped put the shirt into place.  He then moved around to the front and started buttoning it up. He got distracted and dropped several kisses on his chest. Brian bent down and kissed him thoroughly.  

“Later, Sunshine.  We will definitely continue this later but right now let’s go mingle.”  Brian didn’t notice Justin’s shoulder’s slump.  “Damn but you look good enough to eat.  I am sure you will have many opportunities to make that happen this evening.  Just leave this,” he ran his hand over Justin’s ass, “for me.”

Justin smiled up at him and kissed the tip of his nose but when he turned away he let his true feelings show.  Would Brian ever realize other men weren’t going to fill that empty part of his soul. Brian’s arm went around Justin’s waist and they were out the door.

Babylon was packed and Brian and Justin took a spot in the center of the dance floor.  When there was a brief break in the music.  Brian made eye contact with another dancer and the floor and as the music started again, Brian whispered, “Time for the back room. Come on.”

“Go ahead, Bri, I’m going to go get a drink.  I think I saw Emmett by the bar.” Justin walked away as Brian watched him walk.  

Brian jogged and caught up with him.  “Hey, you Ok? What’s…”

“Brian,  you came here tonight to go to the back room so don’t let me stop you.  Go enjoy yourself.  If we lose track of each other I will see you at the loft later.”  Justin tried to keep his tone light as he turned and walked toward the bar.  Brian turned and moved toward the back room.

Justin’s face said it all when he got to Emmett, who had already ordered him a drink.  “What did he do this time?”

“He honestly didn’t do anything.  He is Brian and he will always be Brian and that’s the man I love.  I either need to accept him for who he is or live a life of heartbreak so….he can go to the backroom.  I’m going home, and when he gets there, we can shower and I will gladly make love with him.”

“Can you live with that, Sunshine?”

“Yes, because I need him and he never lies to me.”

Emmett hugged him for several moments.  “I actually understand that now.  You know I am not always a Brian fan but you two belong together.  He doesn’t deserve you but you belong with him.”

“Thanks, Em. If he asks if you’ve seen me, tell him I went home with a headache.” He took a step and turned back, “Oh, and Em, tell him I am taking something for it so I will be fine when he gets home.”

“I will, Justin.” Emmett watched him walk and ached for him a bit but he really did feel like they belonged together whether Kinney ever woke up or not.

Brian stopped short of the back room.  He turned and saw Justin talking to Em so when the man he had made eye contact with walked up, he moved to the back with him.  As the young man kissed Brian’s neck and Brian pushed him downward but as he stood there with the beautiful young man sucking his dick he found himself looking toward the door.  He really was hoping Justin would come back here. He was unsettled and Sunshine always calmed his spirit.  What did a guy, dead for 50 plus years, know about him? Did he care if he was alone?

As his body responded to the young man’s talents Brian realized he didn’t feel any better. He didn’t get the high he used to in the back room.  Of course, he usually was high back in the day. Brian gently stepped away from the man on his knees and zipped up his fly.  He walked back out and glanced around the dance floor but didn’t see Justin. He realized he was almost relieved he didn’t see him in the arms of another man.  As he checked the floor once more he felt someone move up next to him. He turned to tell whoever it was he wasn’t interested, he saw Emmett standing there.

“He went home.” Emmett said flatly.  He wanted to tell Brian how what he really thought but he didn’t.  Instead he said, “He said he was getting a headache and he wanted to take care of it so he would be ready for you when you managed to break away and go home.” Emmett bit his tongue.  He hadn’t planned to say that.

“Honeycutt, what do you have to say?”

“Brian, I really didn’t mean to say that.  Maybe I am just jealous I haven’t found my Sunshine yet. But maybe he is on his way up right now.” A young man walked up and Emmett reached for his hand and they disappeared into the melee on the floor.

Brian watched him go and then he realized there was nothing else he wanted there.  He thought about Justin and wondered how he got home.  It wasn’t too far and could be walked but if he had a headache….  Did he have a headache? Maybe that’s why he wasn’t interested in the back room tonight. Brian knew Justin no longer usually felt like playing with others very often and they had just had two weeks with a ghost.  Damn that ghost.  That spirit was the cause of all his unsettled feelings tonight.  Brian found himself heading to the door and by the time he got to his car he was ready to be with Justin.

Brian sat at a stop light and noticed a little shop with small bouquets in the window.  He turned the corner and jumped out  of the car. Two minutes later he had a bunch of flowers on the passenger seat and he rushed home.  He realized he wanted to be home.  Had he ever called it that before and meant it?  He would go to the loft but it was just where he lived but he now realized it was more than that.  It was his safe place.  He never felt that way growing up.  He realized he now knew what home felt like. It really wasn’t the place but the person waiting for you. 

Brian ran his hand through his hair and grabbed the flowers.  He realized he had come to a decision deep inside of himself.  He didn’t wait for the lift.  He ran up the steps and took a deep breath before unlocking the door and sliding it open. 

Justin stood by the kitchen counter. He had pulled on a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt.  He looked up and smiled, “Hey, Bri.  Did you have fun?”

Brian walked over to where he stood and handed him the flowers.  Justin was very surprised but before he could say a word Brian wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close.  As their lips met, Justin’s arms went around his neck and although Justin didn’t know why, he felt like crying, not from disappointment but from pure joy.  Brian lifted Justin so he was sitting on the counter and then just held him close for several moments.

“Brian, is something wrong?” Justin asked, worried about Brian’s reactions. “Did something happen after I left?”

“The only thing that happened is I woke up.  Justin Taylor, I love you.  Even though I don’t think I realized it I think I have loved you since that first night.  Please, can you forgive me?”

“Oh, Bri! I, I’m not sure I know what to say. Did you actually say you loved me?” It was just sinking in.  Their lips again fused and Justin became desperate to feel his skin. Unbuttoning Brian’s shirt as fast as he could he pushed Brian’s shirt off of his shoulders but then Brian took a step back.  “What is it, Brian? You aren’t changing your mind are you?”

“I need to shower, Sunshine.”  Brian grabbed his shirt off the floor and rushed to the bathroom.

Justin jumped off the counter and smiled after Brian.  They always showered if they had been with someone else.  The water started in the bathroom and Justin followed Brian.  He pulled his shirt off and as he walked into the bathroom he dropped his pants and then stopped and looked at Brian’s naked form behind the glass wall.  He loved him.  Brian Kinney actually said he loved him. He let his sweats fall to the floor and then stepped into the stall. From behind, Justin began rubbing a bar of soap around while Brian took care of his front.

Brian turned and again wrapped his arms around Justin’s now naked body, “I …”

“Say it again, Brian.”

“I love you, Justin. I can’t imagine living without you.”

“Brian, make love to me.”

“In bed.  Let’s get in bed.”

By the time they dried off and fell into bed their need was greater than their patience. Brian slid an arm under one of Justin’s legs and gently pushed his other leg to the side; it opened Justin up enough for him to move into him. Justin embraced the pain as it moved to pleasure.  Brian was always a thorough lover but tonight it was different for both of them.  Brian’s heart felt so much lighter that he actually was grinning like a school boy after having sex for the first time. As they climaxed together Brian actually laughed out loud before dropping off to one side.

As they laid there together, Justin rested his hand on Brian’s chest.  “Tell me what changed.” 

“What changed? We had a ghost that lived with us for two weeks.”

“Yes, we did and I will have to thank him but did he say something specific?”

“He said a lot of things, some of it is saved on the computer but just before he left he said something to the effect that he felt alone and he had told me several times he knew we loved each other.  He knew we belonged together.  He told me I could love and that you might not wait around.”

“You aren’t your parents.  You are loved by so many people.”

“I have always known that but never thought I deserved it but I think Jimmy finally showed me my fear could rule my life or I could take control of it.  When you didn’t come with me to the back room, I stood there while...well, you know, and all I could think about was you.  This guy may have had my body responding but that wasn’t enough anymore.  Will we ever sleep with other people? Maybe. But it would be because we both want it and it doesn’t mean shit.  You are the only one that touches my heart.  No, my very soul.”

“I think we need to go to New York City sometime soon and let him know what has happened. Do you think James knew this would happen?”  Justin asked as he pressed a kiss on Brian’s jaw line.

As Brian pulled him closer and pressed his lips gently against his Sunshine’s they both stopped for just a moment as they both heard the jingling of a distant bell.