Justin lay in bed, the light streaming from the window providing illumination but little warmth. It was December and the chill in the air encouraged his desire to stay bundled in the blankets.
He’d been awake for a while but couldn’t quite summon the energy or desire to face the day.
Brian came into their bedroom, bringing a cup of hot chocolate with him. Placing it on the nightstand, he leaned over to kiss.
“Morning, sleepy head. I brought you some hot chocolate. Why don’t you sit up and drink some. It will be cold soon,” Brian said, urging his partner to move to an upright position.
“Thanks, but no. I’m not thirsty,” Justin said as he turned away from Brian and pulled the blanket up to his chin.
“Are you hungry? I could have Rosa make you some eggs or pancakes. Or are waffles more enticing today?” Brian cajoled Justin.
“No, I’m still tired. I think I’ll sleep some more. Can you close the blinds, the light is really bright,” Justin said as he grabbed for the blanket to pull it over his head.
Brian did as Justin asked, closing the blinds and taking the hot chocolate with him as he gently closed the door to their bedroom.
Brian walked to the kitchen where their housekeeper and cook was preparing vegetables for the pot roast they were having for dinner. He poured out the drink and placed the cup in the dishwasher. Taking a new mug from the coffee mug tree, he made himself a cup of fresh coffee from their Keurig.
“He wouldn’t drink it?” Rosa asked, confirming her suspicions regarding Justin’s refusal.
“No. He wouldn’t even sit up in bed. Instead he told me he was tired and turned away from me, burrowing into the bed clothes. He asked me to close the blinds. I don’t know what to do for him. It's been weeks since he left our bed. He barely eats. When I go to sleep at night and attempt to hold him, he pushes me away. The brief contact I do have has me worried. He’s getting so thin,” Brian says, sharing his thoughts with Rosa.
“Give him time. It's been a rough year. He’s had many friends who had Covid and unfortunately a few have died. All of the art museums have been closed, or are limiting patrons. He probably feels like he's painting for nothing. And then Sydney’s death hit him very hard. Sydney was the first person to give him a break. He always had a soft spot for him. He's just overwhelmed. The fire just added to his problems,” Rosa said. She’d been their housekeeper for over 20 years and was considered part of the family. Year ago, Brian and Justin had built a small cottage at the back of their property for her so could have her own life and privacy but also be available on short notice.
“I know, but I’m worried about him,” Brian said. “I’ll be in my office. Maybe it's time to call in the cavalry.”
Brian walked to his office. Since the Pandemic began, he’d been working from home as had all of his staff. Prior to the pandemic It hadn’t been unusual for him to work from home, and he was thankful for the flexibility of his job. He had all the needed computer technology in place and it was more a matter of moving everything online versus meeting most clients in person. It had taken a little bit of time to get everything moving smoothly, but 8 months into the Pandemic, the biggest change in his business was that he didn’t meet the clients in person. He really didn’t miss the client lunches or attendance at sporting events, networking lunches, and mundane award ceremonies that he’d attended through the year.
He definitely didn’t miss the Sunday dinners at Deb’s with the frequent tension that accompanied them. Now that Gus was married and had children, he liked to spend Sundays with Brian and Justin, preferring quality time with his fathers than the angst filled Sunday dinner at Deb’s. He loved Debbie but she frequently gave advice on how to raise his children or what he should be doing with his life and he did not want or need her interference.
It was 10:00 on Tuesday. Gus was working on a big project, but Brian hoped he’d be able to talk to him at least for a few minutes.
“Hey Pop, What’s up?”
“Gus. It’s Justin. I’m really worried about him. He is really taking Sydney’s death and the fire hard. I can’t get him to eat and he will barely leave our bed. All he wants to do is sleep. I’m at a loss what to do.”
“Oh, Dad. I’m so sorry. This Pandemic sucks and he’s lost a few friends to the disease. But I think Sydney’s death hit him especially hard. Sydney was an important person to Justin. He and Justin worked tirelessly to expand the gallery. It was Sydney’s vision to work with Justin on the emerging artists monthly expo. They had such a great friendship. The one saving grace in this mess is that Sydney didn’t die from COVID.”
“But he didn’t get to say goodbye. No funerals are being held right now. They are all through Zoom. While Zoom is great for business, it loses something when you are trying to do personal things on it. You can’t give someone a hug on Zoom and that is what Justin really needs,” Brian said. He’d known how much Sydney’s death would impact Justin, but in normal times, there would be other artists to share his memories with.
“I agree. And the fire didn’t help matters. He didn’t have a lot of work in his warehouse when it caught on fire, but those pieces were being stored for the next emerging artists show. He’d been gathering art from multiple artists. They were planning a showing as soon as it was safe to have people gather together. With the promise of a vaccine, they were shooting for early summer. Now those pieces are gone forever,” Gus said, knowing that he was just putting into words what his father already knew. Gus’ heart went out to his father and to Justin.
“I could bring Caleb and Sasha over for a special visit. I know we weren’t able to come the last 2 Sundays since Caleb had Strep throat, but he’s fine now and Sasha has no signs of catching his brother’s illness,” Gus offered, hoping this would help Justin. “He always seems to love spending time with my kids. It brings back memories from when I was a kid. Maybe I could even get him to make holiday cookies with the boys,” Gus said.
Brian laughed as he had visions of the three of them making cookies. “Maybe if Rosa supervises. I seem to recall several holiday cooking sprees where the amount of flour on you rivaled that of the cookies. You and Justin always made a mess,” Brian said as he remembered those days when Gus and Justin would try to cajole him into the holiday spirit.
“I’m sure the boys would love to make cookies with Grandpa. Maybe you could even join us, Papa,” Gus teased.
Brian had been thrilled when Gus married his partner Sam. He’d met him when he was a freshman in college and they started dating almost immediately. After college, they were married and a few years later they adopted two small boys who had been in foster care. They were young, 6 months and 18 months old and their mother had died in a car accident. There were no relatives that were able to take them in and Gus and Sam adopted them. The boys had been well cared for and there were no behavior issues that often accompanied foster children.
When Gus told Brian and Justin that they were going to be grandparents, Justin had been thrilled, but Brian had outwardly said he was not cut out to be a grandfather. He’d said that he had a hard enough time being a father and had even less of a role model in being a grandparent. Justin had won him over when he provided his numerous PSA on the joys and advantages of being a grandparent vs a parent. However, the minute Brian hugged both of his grandchildren, any worries vanished and he doted on the little boys. They were now 8 and 9 respectively and adored both men. They frequently begged to go to their grandparent’s home and spend the night whenever possible.
Brian hoped that seeing their grandchildren might actually bring Justin out of his depression. He’d settle for Justin getting out of bed and showering. He missed his husband and while he held him while he slept, he missed their interaction and the sunshine smile that was Justin’s trademark.
“Maybe, I will. If your sons can get their grandfather out of bed and get him to do something besides sleep, I will do any activity they come up with,” Brian assured Gus.
“Even eating holiday cookies?” Gus asked, knowing Brian hated eating sweets, claiming they were of no nutritional value.
“Yes, I’ll even eat cookies,” Brian agreed.
“Okay. I’ll let everyone know. Virtual school is out about 3:00 and I think Sam has a daily meeting from 3:00 to 3:30. My boss is really cool and flexible. I don’t think he’d mind if I left a little early,” Gus said, ribbing Brian. Gus worked for Brian as an ad man and Brian loved that his son was following in his footsteps.
“I think your boss would be willing to give you a few hours off this afternoon. See you guys soon. I’ll go make sure that Rosa has all the ingredients for holiday cookies.”
Brian hung up his phone, smiling at the prospect of seeing his grandchildren. During the Pandemic, he and Justin had mostly been homebound. They had their little “pod” which consisted of Rosa, Justin, Brian, Sam, Gus, Sasha, Caleb, Tucker, and Jennifer. No one was really looking at houses right now and the few people that were, did virtual tours. Jennifer and Tucker worked from home and went out to buy groceries and other necessities when they couldn’t get them delivered. Essentially, they went out maybe one time a month. Sam was a teacher; therefore he was doing remote work and the boys were also doing remote school.
Justin painted in his studio, hoping for the day when the virus would be obliterated and patrons would once again go to galleries. Sydney had encouraged Justin to continue to paint and experiment during this weird time. Justin had taken Sydney’s advice to heart and had tried several new techniques and had even branched out in canvas size. He usually did fairly large pieces but had recently started painting small pieces. These would be more affordable to the public but also took less time. When Sydney passed away from a sudden heart attack, it had devastated Justin. When the warehouse fire occurred a short week afterward, Justin was overwhelmed with sadness. That had been almost two weeks ago. Brian knew that something needed to be done.
Brian walked into the kitchen, finding Rosa cleaning the counters from the morning’s food prep.
“Has Justin changed his mind? I’ll make him whatever he wants,” Rosa offered.
“No. But I’m bringing in the calvary. I just talked to Gus. Caleb is over his Strep throat and Sasha has not come down with it. They think it is safe to visit again. They are coming this afternoon to hopefully entice Justin to make cookies. Do we have the ingredients for cookies or do I need to make a quick order for pickup at the market?”
Rosa walked over to the pantry and reached for a bin marked holiday. Pulling it down, she placed it on the counter and rummaged through its contents. “Yes, we have sprinkles and icing to decorate cookies. I try to keep those on hand. With kids visiting, it's always a favorite activity.” She picked up the bin and put it back in the pantry. “What time are they coming? I’ll have all the ingredients ready and waiting on the counter.”
“They should be here at 4:00. I’ll wait till about 2:30 and let Justin know. If I don’t give him a lot of time to think about it, maybe he’ll get up and get ready before they arrive,’ Brian said.
“Why don’t you make it 3:00. It doesn’t take him a really long time to get up and get ready. If you give him too much time, he may just go back to bed,” Rosa said.
“Good idea. Well I have work that needs to be finished before my grandchildren arrive. Thanks Rosa.” Brian started to walk out of the kitchen, but turned around before he walked out of the door. “Do we have enough food for everyone, if they stay for dinner?”
“I was just thinking the same things. Luckily I made a very large roast this morning. I’ll put together a few more sides to make it go a little further. Leave that to me.”
The remainder of the morning and early afternoon went quickly. Soon it was close to 3:00 and Brian went up to their bedroom where he found Justin sitting in bed, staring blankly at the tv. He knew he wasn’t really watching it as a soap opera appeared to be on the screen.
“Justin….” Brian said, trying to get his attention.
Justin looked at him, a nod of his head was the only greeting he received.
“I talked to Gus. Caleb is well and Sasha didn’t get Strep Throat. They’re coming over in a little while. Gus said the boys want to make holiday cookies.”
“Oh.” Justin said as the thought of making cookies was too much to contemplate.
“Why don’t you get up and take a shower and join us in the kitchen. I remember you and Gus making cookies when he was about their age.”
Justin was quiet for a few moments before speaking. “I don’t think I can, Brian,” Justin said. He didn’t provide more information, but Brian was still heartened as that was more words than Justin had spoken in a while.
“Okay. The boys are going to want to see you. I’m going to send them up when they get here,” Brian said. He wasn’t threatening Justin, but was hoping the idea of his grandsons seeing him would push him to get up.
Justin nodded his acceptance but then slid back down into the bed clothes and closed his eyes. “I think I’ll sleep for a bit.”
Brian sighed but didn’t argue. He went downstairs and waited for his grandchildren. They arrived about 3:45.
“Grandpa, Grandpa, I’ve missed you so much. I was sick and I couldn’t come see you. But I’m better now,” Caleb said as he wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist. Brian bent down and kissed the little boy on the forehead.
“I missed you too. I’m so glad you are feeling better. Rosa has all the ingredients for us to make cookies.”
“Where is Grandpa Justin? He makes the best decorations for his cookies. Is he going to help?” Sasha asked.
“Grandpa Justin is upstairs. He was taking a little nap before you guys came. Why don’t you go upstairs and ask him to come down?”
“Yeah,” Sasha said.
“Sure,” Caleb said.
The two boys ran up the stairs as quietly as a herd of elephants.
“Dad, do you think that is a good idea? I take it he didn’t want to come down.”
“I’m hoping your sons can do what I can’t. Maybe they can work their childhood magic on my husband. He needs some laughter and happiness.”
“Okay. Let’s hope you’re right.”
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” the two boys yelled as they made their way up the stairs. Since their Papa had told them to go see if Grandpa wanted to join them, they didn’t knock.
They entered the room and saw Justin lying in bed. They quickly jumped on the bed, trying to tickle their Grandpa. “Time to get up, Grandpa Justin,” said Caleb.
“Daddy said we’re going to make cookies. You need to help us put the sprinkles on them. Dad and Papa aren’t artists. You make them look really pretty,” said Sasha as he tried to join his brother in tickling their grandfather.
Sasha and Caleb bounced on the bed, trying to rouse their grandfather. Finally he opened his eyes and looked at the two interlopers.
“Why are you in bed Grandpa? Papa said we could come up here. If you aren’t sick, why are you sleeping?” Sasha asked. He knew that he was only allowed to be in bed in the afternoon if he was sick. Papa and his daddy would not have let them come up here if Grandpa was sick.
Justin didn’t want to explain to his grandsons that it was just too much trouble to get up in the morning. He didn’t really understand it himself, but just knew that he had difficulty doing anything these days.
“I’m not sick, just tired,” Justin answered. He hoped that telling his grandsons that he was tired would get them to leave the room and let him sleep.
“Well, if you aren’t sick, Grandpa, you need to join us. You have to put the sprinkles on the cookies. You are the sprinkle king. It wouldn’t look right unless you did it,” Caleb said.
Justin smiled a tiny smile at his grandson’s pleading. These two little boys were so precious. Their mother had been killed in a senseless car accident and they were adopted by Sam and Gus. They had given them a wonderful life and in turn they had given Brian and Justin an opportunity to be grandparents. When he heard they were adopting the two little boys, he was ecstatic. He had married Brian when Gus was 7 and they had helped raise him when he was younger. He had come to live with them full time when his mothers divorced when he was 11. He had watched Gus grow into a fine young man and thought of him as his own son. He was so proud of the man Gus had become. Now, he was watching Gus parent these two precious little boys. The feeling of joy washed over him as he realized that he really did want to spend time with them making cookies.
Sitting up in bed, he hugged both boys to him. “Tell you what. Why don’t you go down and tell Papa to come up here? I’m going to take a shower and I’ll be down in a bit to help make cookies. I love you guys.”
“Yeah, Grandpa is going to make cookies with us,” they said almost together.
Sasha raced down the stairs looking for his Papa. Finding him in the kitchen with his father he said, “Papa, Grandpa said to tell you to come upstairs. He said he would make cookies with us after he took a shower. Are you going to join Papa in the shower like daddy joins pops?”
Both Gus and Brian laughed at Sasha’s question. “Grandpa Justin needs me to wash his back. I better go help him,” Brian said as he smiled at the simple question. He would do anything for his husband and was glad to be asked to wash his back.
Brian came into the bedroom and Justin walked to him. “I need a shower. Care to join me?”
“Of course. I told Sasha that you needed me to wash your back. Do you need help with anything else?” Brian asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Thank you. Seeing our grandchildren helped me remember that there is a lot of living left to do. While I’m still sad that Sydney died, I have two beautiful grandchildren that want their grandfather to help decorate holiday cookies. I want to make new memories today, not get lost in the past with my old memories.”
Brian leaned down and kissed Justin with a gentle but firm kiss. “We have two little boys downstairs that are eager to help us make new memories. When they leave we will make our own.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Justin said and he stepped in the shower, washing away some of his sadness.
Soon the six of them were laughing and making holiday cookies. Justin was still sad about his losses, but there was happiness and he wanted to relish the good times.
The end