Chapter 12

A couple of days later the big day had come and Justin had taken a happy Gus and his backpack to Brian's apartment.

“And you give me a call at any time if you need anything, okay?” Justin repeated for what felt like the twentieth time to an annoyed Gus and an equally annoyed Brian.

“Jeez, Sunshine. Calm down. He's going to spend one night with his father, not going to fucking Timbuktu,” Brian snarled.

Justin just threw an angry glare in Brian's direction, but otherwise ignored his comment which had made Gus chuckle in amusement.

“I'll be fine, Justin. It's just me and Dad and one night. What could possibly go wrong?” Gus reasoned, looking at Justin with the most innocent look he could muster.

Justin was ready to start on a lengthy reply to that question, but before he could do so, Brian took over and walked over to the door. “It'll be fine. It's not like I've never looked after my own son before.”

There was an edge to Brian's voice now which spoke of his anger rising and Justin knew the man well enough to know that this was not the time to goad him for an argument. Not in front of Gus in any case. Finally giving in and just nodding in defeat, Justin walked over to the door, ignoring the smug smile that was now on Brian's face.

“Have fun, Gus and remember to call me if you need anything, okay?”

“It will be fine,” both father and son said in unison which would have made Justin chuckle at the cuteness of the situation if it hadn't been so tense all around. Instead he just nodded once more and then left.

“Finally,” Gus sighed, sounding like a typical teenager who was glad that an annoying parent had just left.

Brian closed the door behind Justin, then turned to Gus with a serious expression. “He's just worried about you. You should be glad that he cares about you so much.”

Hearing something in his father's voice that he couldn't quite place, Gus knew even at his young age that it was better not to contradict, so he just nodded instead. And maybe his father was right. After all he knew that Justin loved him and had always cared about him. Why else would he have kept him around and raised him like his own son after they had left Gilead?

After they had unpacked Gus' things in the master bedroom, they made their way to the Toronto islands and spent a fun day on the islands. They had ice-cream (well, Gus had and Brian complained that he wouldn't be caught dead eating something as unhealthy), played some soccer, enjoyed some of the rides at the amusement park, before heading back to Brian's apartment in the evening.

They decided to go out and watch a movie at a movie theatre close by and had dinner at an Italian pizza place, that was only acceptable to Brian because they also offered many different salads to choose from on their menu.

Gus was poking fun at his father for still not eating anything that would be considered unhealthy in the slightest regard even though his doctors had expressly told him to gain more weight. Brian just shrugged his shoulders, saying that he had never really liked most foods that other people liked and that he was more than happy with his salad.

Brian relented his stance on unhealthy food a bit for the movie however, when he agreed to share a big bowl of popcorn with his son.

After the movie they returned to Brian's apartment and got ready for bed. It had been a long, but fun day and both father and son had enjoyed spending more time together than just the few hours each day they were used to after school was over.

***

Justin groaned when he heard his phone, wondering who would be calling him in what had to be the middle of the night. It was clearly still pitch-dark outside, judging by what little he could see in the room and after he forced himself to open one eye against his better judgement, he frowned when he saw that it was 3.12am on the alarm clock.

He and Daphne had had a fun night at the Symphony, though they had had more fun making fun of most of the patrons there than really enjoying the concert. Yes, every once in a while Justin could stomach a Symphony, but if it wasn't for Ethan playing in the Orchestra, he could have very well done without attending this particular performance. He wanted to be a supportive partner however and knew that Ethan supported him at his shows as well, so attending the Symphony Orchestra's performances was the least he could do. And the performance had been a great success, which had made Ethan very happy and had led to a very enjoyable night once they had made their way home.

Without Gus in the house, they had made full use of the empty house and that was another reason why Justin felt annoyed at his damn phone still ringing. He had only made it to bed about an hour and a half ago. If at all. Damn!

“Yeah,” he angrily muttered as he picked up the call, not even bothering to check who was calling him.

“Justin?”

Justin was suddenly wide awake when he recognised the voice that was speaking to him and even more than that recognised how scared that voice sounded.

“Gus? Are you okay?”

“Justin, something is wrong with Dad...”

“Okay, Gus. Calm down,” Justin said as he sat up and turned on the lamp on the night table. “What is going on? What is wrong with your Dad?”

Justin could feel Ethan's hand on his back and when he turned around to look at him, he saw his partner's concerned gaze meeting his.

“I don't know...,” Gus was clearly crying by now, Justin could easily hear it. “He... he's screaming, but... I think it's a nightmare. I don't know... He doesn't wake up. I tried waking him up, but he just continues to scream and hit at everything around him. Is he okay, Justin? Why won't he wake up?”

“Okay, Gus. I need you to stay calm, okay? I am sure your Dad is alright and that it's just a nightmare. I want you to step away from him, you hear me? If he has a nightmare, he might hit you without intending to. So please, honey, just step back, okay? I am on my way over and I'll be there in a couple of minutes, alright?”

“But... what...,” Gus started, only to be interrupted by Justin, who had by now gotten up from the bed and with one hand was trying to get into his jeans.

“Just do as I said, okay, Gus? I'll be there in a few minutes. I am just getting dressed now, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus whimpered, tears still easy to hear in his voice.

Without much explanation and just a quick glance to Ethan, Justin left the room and house less than a minute later.

On his way over to Brian's apartment, he stayed on the phone with Gus and tried to calm him down as much as he could, while at the same time wondering what was going on.

He thought that Gus' guess that it was a nightmare sounded pretty reasonable. He remembered how the nurses at the hospital had mentioned restless nights and Brian having been agitated during the night and he knew from his own experience after his prom how harrowing nightmares could be. Not really knowing what Brian had been through in Gilead, but easily able to imagine the worst, he wouldn't be surprised if the man was suffering from nightmares. He just wondered why Brian hadn't mentioned anything. Why hadn't he mentioned this before?

At the same time as he was asking that question to himself, he already knew the answer. Because Brian was Brian and would never admit anything that could be considered as a weakness by others. Brian would never admit to suffering from nightmares because to him it would only mean that he was too weak to deal with whatever had happened to him in Gilead. Brian Kinney, the master of 'moving on and forgetting about it'. Justin could remember well from the time after the prom how that had been Brian's way forward when all Justin had wanted to do was talk to someone about what had happened to him. Every time he had tried, Brian had just shut him down, had told him that it was in the past and he should move on and with time that had been what they had done, because Justin hadn't known any better. Being older now, having been through grief counseling after he had thought that Brian had died, he knew that there were far better ways to deal with trauma, but he doubted that Brian Kinney would ever agree to anything like therapy or talking about feelings.

Sighing to himself, he felt his anger rise inside of him. The more he heard Gus' scared voice, the angrier he was with Brian for not having done anything to prevent this. Why hadn't he mentioned that he was suffering from nightmares, so they could have at least prepared Gus for whatever he was seeing now? If not going ahead and cancelling the whole overnight stay altogether.

Justin was still talking to Gus, now trying to control his anger at Brian at the same time. “Gus, I am outside the building now. Can you buzz me in?”

A few seconds later Justin heard the buzzing sound and opened the door, making his way up to Brian's floor. When he got off the elevator, he saw Gus standing in the doorway, tears running down his scared face.

“Hey, it's okay. I am here now,” Justin whispered as he pulled the boy close and held him tight. He felt how the tension slowly left the small body in his arms and felt Gus relax into his embrace.

“Is he okay? I am so scared,” Gus whispered, before he stepped back and allowed Justin inside the apartment.

Justin immediately saw Brian twisting and turning on the sofa, saw him clutching the sheets with white knuckles and saw the sweat pouring down his face. His shirt was soaked already. The screaming that Gus had mentioned earlier and that he had been able to hear on the phone, had by now calmed down to a hoarse moaning.

“No...nooooooo, no, please, no...PLEEEAAAAASE!” Brian was moaning over and over as he grabbed the sheets tighter around himself.

“Gus, I know that you're scared, but I am sure your Dad is fine. It's just a nightmare. A bad one, but just a nightmare. I need you to go to your bedroom and wait in there, okay? I'll try to wake him up, but I don't want him to accidentally hurt you by lashing out when he wakes up, okay?”

Gus looked torn for a few seconds and it was clear that he was ready to fight Justin on this and wanted to stay with his father. “But...,”

“No but, Gus. Please! I need you to do as you're told. I'll get you once your Dad has woken up and is alright. I promise!”

Knowing that Justin was serious and that contradicting him would probably only mean that his Dad would be in his nightmare longer, Gus finally hung his head and nodded.

“Thanks, Gus. You're a good boy,” Justin said, as he pulled the boy closer once more and kissed the top of his head. “You did well calling me, Gus. Very well!”

He watched as the boy trotted to the bedroom and once the door had closed, Justin sighed and walked over to the sofa where Brian was still not showing any signs of waking up.

Knowing from his own experience with nightmares and what Brian had told him from the nights when he had suffered from them, he knew that touching Brian would be a very bad idea. Brian was caught in his dream and wouldn't realise that it was Justin. He would think that it was most likely someone from his dream and would lash out. He remembered that more than once he had hit Brian and had given him some decent bruises during those early nights of nightmares.

He slowly walked over to the sofa, but stopped a short distance away, so that Brian wouldn't be able to reach him in case he lashed out.

“Brian? Brian, it's me. Justin... It's okay... wake up... it's okay, it's just a dream,” he started saying quietly, repeating the words over and over. He knew from what Brian had told him in the past, that with him the familiar voice had always helped to pull him back from his nightmares and he hoped that it would be the same for Brian.

“It's Justin. We're here, in Toronto, in your apartment. You're here with me and Gus... it's just a dream. Wake up...”

He kept saying those things over and over for a few minutes and just as he was about to start wondering if it might not be working, he saw how Brian slowly started to calm down. He saw how the twisting and turning got less, how his hold on the sheets lessened and his moaning got more quiet.

“That's it, Brian. That's it... I am here. Everything is alright. You can wake up.”

After several more minutes, Justin finally knew that Brian was close to waking up. He saw him move his head in the direction of Justin's voice and saw him say his nickname more than really hearing it.

“Sunshine?”

“Yes, I am here,” Justin agreed, slowly moving closer to the sofa now that Brian's violent movements had calmed down. When he felt that it was safe enough, he sat down on the edge of the sofa, so his voice would be even closer to Brian's ear. “Wake up, I am here.”

Another minute or two later, Brian's eyes finally snapped open. Justin could see how disorientated the man was and how his eyes were darting around the room over and over, before they settled on Justin's face. “Sunshine?”

Brian's voice was hoarse and he sounded exhausted, but Justin could still hear the relief in that voice when Brian realised that Justin was there.

“Yeah, I am here. It's okay, Brian. It was just a nightmare.”

Justin continued talking quietly for a couple more minutes, helping Brian to completely come back from his nightmare, helping the man to get grounded in reality instead of being pulled back into his nightmare.

Once he was sure that Brian had completely shaken the nightmare and was now awake, he went up to the bathroom and came back with a cold, wet washcloth. He knew better than to touch Brian, knowing how sensitive to touch he had always been after his nightmares and instead just started wiping away some of the sweat on Brian's forehead.

Brian's eyes never left Justin's, watching his movement and sighing in relief when the cold washcloth hit his hot skin. “What are you doing here?” Brian asked after a minute, finally back in reality and realising that Justin shouldn't be in his apartment.

“Gus called me. He was scared and didn't know what to do,” was all the younger man said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as he could. There would be a time to be angry with Brian later, but it wasn't now. Not when he had just come out of what seemed to be a real night terror.

“What happened?” Brian asked, still feeling slightly confused, but slowly coming around.

“You had one hell of a nightmare, I'd say,” Justin said quietly, before letting go of the washcloth and handing it over to Brian.

The older man slowly pulled himself into a sitting position, then wrinkled his nose. “God, I am disgusting.” He slowly touched his own chest and frowned at the shirt which was wet from his own sweat.

“Take a shower. It always helped me after my nightmares,” Justin said quietly as he got up from the sofa. “I'll check on Gus.”

Without another word he left the living area of the apartment and moved into the bedroom, leaving Brian on his own.

Brian watched after him for a minute, then forced himself to get up, knowing that Justin was right. A shower would most likely help him to feel human again. He could still remember how much Justin had always claimed that warm showers had helped him after particularly bad nightmares.

Fifteen minutes later, Brian came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist, indeed feeling much better. He looked at the mess that was the sofa, then decided that he couldn't be bothered right now and moved over to the bedroom as well.

He could only imagine how scared Gus must have been and wanted to check in on him as well. Additionally, he also needed some clean clothes which were in his wardrobe in his bedroom.

As he opened the door, he saw Justin on the bed with Gus, the small boy cradled tightly in his arms, by the looks of it, both of them asleep.

He walked over slowly, the sight of Justin cradling his son in his arms, warming his heart. It looked so natural, so normal and he was sure they had fallen asleep like that many times before, giving each other comfort and whatever relief they could offer from the pain they were going through.

Justin's love for Gus had always amazed him. He had always been fascinated by the true and honest way in which Justin had loved Gus. He wasn't related to him, had no connection to him other than Gus being Brian's son and yet he had always loved Gus as if he were his own son. Years ago when Gus had been a baby, Justin's ability to love him had already amazed Brian and now, he could only marvel at it again. His own parents couldn't even be bothered to love him and he had been their biological child. Same for Justin who had been rejected by his own biological father and with all these family members around them that couldn't even love them despite them being family, here Justin was, loving his son in an honest and true fashion that would always amaze Brian.

When they had been separated that night on the cliff, Brian had known that Gus would be safe with Justin, that Justin would always take care of him and love him, no matter what. He hadn't even doubted it for a second, knowing that Justin had always loved Gus like his own and would always do so. And seeing them now, seeing them in that embrace, he knew that he had been right. Justin loved Gus like a father loved his son and always would, no matter what.

Watching the scene for some more minutes, just taking it in, Brian felt a chill on his naked skin and remembered the other reason why he had come into the room. He needed to get clothes.

He quietly made his way over to his wardrobe and pulled out a shirt and a pair of boxer briefs.

Just as he had dropped the towel and was about to pull on the boxer briefs, he heard a familiar gasp. Not able to help himself, he turned around and saw that Justin was now awake. Their eyes locked and a familiar electricity went through the room. Before long though, Justin lowered his eyes and the moment was over.

Brian quickly finished pulling on his boxer briefs, knowing that this was neither the time nor the place for any snarky comments.

“Shit,” Justin mumbled, as he carefully disentangled himself from Gus' arms. “I must have fallen asleep.”

Okay, Brian thought, if Justin wanted to pretend that that moment hadn't happened, he could do the same. “Is he okay?”

“I think so,” Justin said quietly, gently wiping a strand of Gus' auburn hair from his face. “He was worried about you and exhausted, which is why he fell asleep in the end without checking on you as he had insisted.”

“I'll make it up to him tomorrow,” Brian said quietly, before he leaned over the bed from the other side and ran a hand over Gus' cheek in a tender fashion. “Thanks for taking care of him.”

Justin nodded, before he got up from the bed and made his way back into the living area of the apartment. He didn't want to wake up Gus, now that he had finally fallen asleep.

Brian grabbed the t-shirt he had pulled from the wardrobe before and followed Justin. He quietly closed the door, before he turned around and wanted to put on the shirt. Before he could do so, he was stopped by Justin's smaller form, not having expected the man to be that close.

He stopped in his tracks, not quite sure what was happening as Justin's fingers started tracing some scars on his chest and abdomen. He looked sad and thoughtful as he traced the scars.

After about a minute of silence between them, the moment was over and Justin stepped back, taking a deep breath.

Brian finally pulled on the shirt, not quite sure what to make of what had just happened. “Thank you... for coming and... everything,” he finally said, not quite sure what else to say. The silence between them felt heavy and he wasn't quite sure why.

“Are you okay?” Was all Justin asked, his voice quiet and serious.

Knowing that it was a very loaded question that could invite a million different answers and not quite sure if he was ready for any of those answers, Brian just shrugged.

Justin nodded in reply. “That was one hell of a nightmare. I am not sure even my nightmares after prom came close to that.”

The moment he said that, he knew he had said the wrong thing. He could see Brian's walls coming up immediately and saw his eyes cloud over. He could see how Brian was pulling back and he cursed himself for mentioning his prom. Brian didn't even have to say anything for Justin to realise that what he had said had been the wrong thing.

He sighed as he looked at Brian. “I can stay if you...,” but he never got any further, because Brian had already interrupted him.

“We'll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Justin tried once more, but once again got shot down by Brian immediately.

“Yeah, it's all under control now.”

Justin doubted that very much, but knew better than to voice that thought aloud. Now was not the time. Brian had brought his walls back up and with them firmly in place, there was no sense talking to him now. He knew that they would have to talk about this and they would if he had his way, but not now. They were all exhausted and maybe it was for the best not to talk about what had happened now. In their exhausted states they might say things they would regret later.

“I better head off then,” Justin said quietly, slowly making his way over to the door of the apartment. “Call me if you need me,” he added, turning to look at Brian, meeting his gaze across the room.

Brian nodded, but other than another quiet 'thanks', he didn't offer anything before Justin turned around again and left his apartment.