Chapter 14

“Dad? Why were you and Justin yelling at each other last night?” Gus asked his father as he looked up from his homework which he was working on at his father's kitchen table.

“You heard that?” Brian sighed as he looked at Gus with a raised eyebrow.

“It was hard not to,” the young boy pointed out. “You were both yelling.”

“We just had a disagreement, Gus. Nothing to worry about.”

“What were you disagreeing about?” Gus went on, not ready to let it go quite yet.

“That's none of your concern, sonny boy. Just know that everything is fine.”

“You were arguing about me, weren't you?” Gus now looked his father squarely in the eyes, daring him to contradict his statement.

Brian sighed once more, cursing both himself and even more so Justin for having had that yelling match outside Justin's house the previous evening. They should have made sure that Gus would not hear them. Well, too late for that, Brian thought to himself. Knowing that his son was old enough to understand some of these things and was probably smart enough to figure them out by himself, even if Brian would lie to him, Brian decided to be as honest with him as he could. That was the least that Gus deserved.

“Sonny boy, it's a complicated situation right now. Justin loves you very much and he has been taking good care of you for such a long time, so now... with me being here as well, it's not easy to find the best way to go forward. Things will have to change, but change can be scary and sometimes we just want things to stay the way they are, you know?”

“Change? What will have to change?” Gus raised an eyebrow and Brian could definitely see how much his son looked like him when he did that.

“Well, so far Justin and Ethan have been raising you and you have been living with them, but now that I am here as well... I would like to spend more time with you as well, you know?”

Gus nodded, able to understand that. He wanted to spend more time with his Dad as well. He had missed him for so long and was so happy that he was finally back. “And I want to spend more time with you as well, Dad.”

“And that makes me very happy, sonny boy. We will just have to find ways though to make that possible, ways that will also be okay with Justin and right now... well, we don't agree.”

Gus scrunched up his nose and was silent for a long time. When he spoke again, his voice sounded sad. “Justin doesn't want me to spend time with you?”

“That's not what I said, sonny boy,” Brian immediately replied, wanting to be very careful with what he said about Justin. As much as Gus disagreeing with Justin might help his argument, he knew that he was treading on thin ice. Gus loved Justin and despite all, Brian knew that Justin also loved Gus. It was the only reason Justin was reacting the way he was. In no way did Brian want to destroy their relationship. People might call him heartless and cruel, but this was his son and he didn't want to take away one of the most important people of his life. Not after everyone the boy had already lost in his young life.

“We just don't quite agree on how much time and when and how and we'll have to figure it out.”

It was obvious that Gus wasn't quite happy with Brian's answer, but he nodded anyway. “And if you can't figure it out? You both sounded pretty angry last night...”

“Well, that's what they have lawyers and judges for. If we can't come to a decision, they will make a decision for us.”

Gus' eyes widened and he looked shocked by Brian's words. “Lawyers? Judges?”

“Hey, don't worry, sonny boy. That's only if we can't figure it out ourselves. I am sure we will though. It will just take some time.”

Gus nodded once more, then took a deep breath. “I don't want you two to fight. I love both of you and I don't like it when you fight,” he said quietly, looking at his father from sad eyes.

“I don't like it either. Trust me, I don't like it either...”

***

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Where do you get off telling Gus about lawyers and judges getting involved?” Justin asked, looking beyond furious.

Justin had shown up at his apartment ten minutes ago and had pretty much stormed into the place and had been talking non-stop ever since.

Brian hadn't been able to get a word in edgeways and was just waiting for Justin to calm down and take a breath, so that he could have his say.

After another five minutes of ranting by the younger man, Brian finally got his wish. Justin had apparently finished and was now done and had switched from talking to him to glaring at him.

“That's not what I told him,” Brian started defending himself, only making Justin start again.

“Then why the fuck was he telling me about judges and lawyers getting involved? Where did he get that from?”

“Yes, I told him about judges and lawyers, but I also made it clear to him that it was not what was gonna happen. He heard us fighting last night outside the house and he knew we were fighting about him. What was I supposed to do? Lie to him and pretend that he was wrong? That he hadn't heard what he had heard? Well, sonny boy is not dumb and he knew we were fighting about him, so I tried to explain it to him as best as I could...”

“As best as you could?” Justin snorted derisively.

“I explained to him that we would have to find a solution and he asked what would happen if we couldn't. So I told him that in that case, we would need the help of lawyers and judges, but that it would only come to that if we couldn't figure it out ourselves.”

“He is 12 years old. What is wrong with you? How can you tell him shit like that?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from disbelieving eyes.

“Yes, he's 12 years old. And he's smart and more grown up than many other kids his age. I will not lie to him just because you don't want him to know that you don't want him to see me.”

“I didn't say that. He was here today, wasn't he? Though looking at the mess you made, maybe I should change my mind on that.”

“Don't you dare! He's my son and you can't keep him away from me.”

“If I think that you're doing more harm than good, yes I can and I will...”

They glared at each other, both beyond angry with the other person.

Brian's voice was deathly calm when he spoke next. “If you keep him away from me, I will get a lawyer.”

“Then stop pulling Gus into this mess.”

“Me? You were the one looking for a fight outside the very house that he was supposed to sleep in. Don't blame me for you not being able to control your anger last night,” Brian pointed out.

“Then stop being unreasonable and do what is best for him,” Justin shot right back. “Get help, Brian. Figure out yourself and your life and once that has happened, we can talk again.”

“I don't need help,” Brian glared at the younger man, willing him to take back that statement. “I am doing just peachy.”

“Yeah, as long as you tell yourself that, you can kiss your chance of having Gus over for sleepovers goodbye,” Justin directed at Brian. It was his parting shot and with that he turned around and headed for the door.

“Then you'll hear from my lawyer.”

“Good luck finding a lawyer that will agree with you,” Justin muttered, before he left the apartment without another glance back at the man inside. God, why was Brian making him so angry? Why was Brian infuriating him so much? He wasn't normally like this and he didn't get loud or into arguments like this, but for some reason Brian managed to bring out the worst in him again and again.

Brian looked after Justin as he left, running his hands over his face in frustration, feeling like punching something or someone, but knowing better than that. Instead he flopped down on his sofa and looked at the dark television screen. How had everything become so fucked up between them? This was definitely not what he had expected when he had fought his way to Toronto and had finally made it across the border. This was not at all what he had had in mind then.

***

“Honey, how are you?” Emmett greeted him jovially, as he pushed past him into his apartment. “Hmmm, well, not quite your usual style, but it's nice. Quite rustic, but well,” he commented, as he took in the furniture and design of Brian's apartment.

“It's only temporarily,” Brian muttered, looking after the tall queen, not having expected to see him of all people. Not that he had really expected to see anyone. It wasn't like he had a lot of friends or people he knew in Toronto. Justin, Gus, Emmett and Daphne were pretty much the only people he knew and talking with Justin wasn't an option at the moment, Gus was in school and wouldn't be by until later that day and Daphne was Justin's friend, so the same that applied to Justin also applied to her, he guessed. And Emmett, well, he was sure he was busy with his own business and didn't have time to visit his friends. Well, apparently he had, so much for that quiet morning he had been looking forward to.

“Oh, I am sure it is,” Emmett agreed, before turning around and giving Brian a quick once-over. “You look way better than the last time I saw you. You've gained some weight, haven't you? Good for you!”

Brian wasn't quite sure if he could stomach Emmett's seemingly neverending good mood and decided to just nod for now. It was true, he had gained some weight and looked less gaunt than he had the last time they had seen each other.

“How are you doing?”

Brian shrugged, not quite sure how to answer that question. “Okay.”

“Still as talkative as ever,” Emmett commented, before sitting down on the sofa. “You know that won't do with me. Come, sit down and tell me how you're really doing.”

Brian looked at Emmett for the longest time, before walking over and sitting down on one of the chairs across the living-room table. “Okay,” he just repeated, leaving it at that.

Emmett sighed dramatically. “Okay, how about telling me about your plans instead?”

“Plans?” Brian frowned, not quite sure that he knew what Emmett was talking about. “What plans?”

“You must have plans for the future, right? Now that you're here in Canada. Things you want to do, right? I mean like... I don't know, professionally, getting back into work or something?”

“I haven't really thought about it yet,” Brian had to admit, knowing that he probably should. Yes, he had access to the account he had set up years ago and money was not an issue, at least not for the moment, but Emmett was right, he probably should be thinking about work or something. He had never been the kind of person to just sit around and do nothing. He had always been a workaholic and if he was honest with himself, he quite missed work. It at least gave him something to do, something that would keep him busy and would keep his mind from going crazy overthinking things. “I probably should,” he went on after a long silence had settled between them.

“Well, I mean, there is no rush,” Emmett immediately threw in, thinking that he might have said too much. “The Canadians are really nice when it comes to supporting us and giving us time to find our way.”

“I have money,” Brian immediately felt the need to interject, not wanting to seem like he was living off government support when he could be supporting himself.

“Oh, that's not what I meant,” Emmett said, once again feeling like he had said the wrong thing. “It's just... I've never seen you not work. I mean... even in Gilead when... you couldn't work anymore... you and Justin would still be busy coming up with those posters and stuff for the resistance. I just don't think I've ever seen you take a vacation or any time off. You've always been working for as long as I've known you.”

“Times change,” Brian muttered, thinking how back in Gilead he and Justin had been together as well as working together and all of that seemed like a completely different life now, especially looking at how they were around each other right now.

“And God knows you have every right to take a break for as long as you want to after... everything,” Emmett ended quietly. He knew that Brian didn't like talking about Gilead and what had happened to him after Justin and Gus had made it out, but he had seen where not talking had gotten Ted and while he knew that Brian wasn't Ted, he knew that Brian hadn't been opposed to the use of drugs and alcohol as pain management before and he would be damned if he lost another friend.

When Brian didn't say anything to that, Emmett ventured ahead carefully. “Have you talked to anyone about...that?”

“About what?” Brian asked, his voice sounding slightly agitated which Emmett didn't miss.

“About Gilead and... what happened there with Michael... Justin's father... after they caught you.”

“What good will talking about it do?”

“Don't you think it might help you? I mean we all have been traumatised and... I can only imagine how much worse it must have been for you.”

“I am fine.”

“Oh honey... Ted said the same... he said the same to me even two weeks before he overdosed,” Emmett's voice had turned sad as he remembered his friend and their last meeting together.

“I am not Ted,” Brian spat, then forced himself to calm down, knowing that Emmett and Ted had been very close and that Emmett had loved Ted.

“No, honey, but you have meddled with drugs and alcohol before. Don't... just don't do it again.”

“I told you that I am fine,” Brian just muttered again, getting annoyed by Emmett's statements.

“I know your opinion on therapy and talking about feelings, hell, even having feelings... I just don't want to see you go down that same path. I don't want to lose another friend.”

“I said, I am fine,” Brian pressed out once more, really getting annoyed now.

“No one would be fine after going through what you went through,” Emmett said seriously. “Don't pretend that you're stronger than any of us. You are not. You are only human, Brian, like the rest of us even though you might not like the truth of it.”

“Is that it? Was this your reason for visiting me today? If it was, let's not do this again, okay? I don't need you to tell me how to take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time.”

“Oh, I know. I've heard all the stories. It's not like Debbie and Michael didn't remind us all often enough, but... Brian... even the strongest person reaches their breaking point at one point.”

“And you think this is mine?” Brian looked offended by the mere thought.

“I am just saying that... I understand that the last years have been hard and... I am sure that the thought of getting here, making it here and seeing Justin and Gus again kept you going and now... you're here and... things...,” Emmett stopped, not quite sure how to proceed.

“Aren't what I expected?” Brian finished for him with a raised eyebrow.

“Well yeah.”

“Well, that's life, isn't it? Life never turns out the way you expect it to, so all you can do is go with the flow and take whatever life throws at you.”

“I am just saying that no one would blame you for thinking that it all got too much,” Emmett said quietly.

“It didn't. I am fine, I told you,” Brian just repeated which made Emmett sigh.

“Okay, I got it. You're fine,” the tall queen finally raised his hands in defeat, knowing that there was no point in arguing about this with Brian. He had learnt the hard way with Ted that you could only offer help and support, but if the person wasn't ready to admit that they needed that support, there was nothing you could do, no matter how much you might want to help them.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them which was broken by Emmett a couple of minutes later, trying to change the subject. “How is Gus?”

“Good, coming over later after school,” Brian replied, his voice still sounding slightly colder than it needed to be.

“That's good. I am sure he loves spending time with you.”

“I haven't heard him complain so far,” Brian quipped with a shrug.

“And things with Justin?” Emmett asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What is this, twenty questions?” Brian snapped, getting tired of Emmett's questions, especially the personal ones. “You in need of new gossip to share with your new friends?”

Emmett once again raised his hands in surrender. “I get it, wrong topic to ask questions about.”

After that Emmett stayed for another ten minutes, trying to make small talk with Brian, but quickly giving up. Brian had never been one for much small talk and that hadn't changed.

Once Emmett had left, Brian returned to the sofa, one thing from their earlier conversation still running through his mind. One thing Emmett had mentioned had struck a chord with him and he couldn't stop thinking about it: What were his plans? What did he want in his new life?

Yes, Emmett had been right when he had said that the thought of making it here, being reunited with Gus and Justin had been what had kept him going these last few years, but beyond that, beyond being reunited with the people that meant the most to him, he had never really thought about his future. And now, now that whatever he had thought about wasn't going to happen, they wouldn't be reunited like he had hoped and prayed for for so many years, now he was without a plan.

He stood by what he had replied to Emmett: Life never turned out the way you wanted it to and you just had to go with the flow. Maybe it was time he finally started doing that as well. Maybe it was time he finally started to make sense of his life. No, it wouldn't be the life he had imagined and dreamed of in recent years, but it still was a life and God knew it was still a damn lot better than life in Gilead ever had been. At least he was alive, relatively healthy and had Gus in his life. He could build from that and start rebuilding his life from there. It was a beginning and a pretty good one as far as he was concerned.