Chapter 17

Brian sighed as he watched Gus and saw the sad expression on his son's face. “What is it, sonny boy? I thought you liked coming here?”

They were currently sitting in Gus' favourite restaurant, which in Brian's opinion barely deserved that description as to him it was nothing more than a fast-food hell of death. Gus loved the burgers in this place though and Brian had thought that taking him here for lunch would cheer him up.

“I do,” Gus muttered, before looking back down at the table again.

“Then what is it?” Brian urged, trying to get his son to tell him what was wrong.

“Does she really have to be here even while we're eating lunch?” The young boy muttered as he looked at the social worker who was sitting at the next table with a notebook pretending not to watch them, but doing a very bad job of it and clearly watching their interactions and listening to what they were saying.

This was the third time they had been hanging out together since that fateful day in court about a week ago and it was the third time they had the court appointed social worker hanging out with them while they were spending time together.

Brian knew that Justin had explained to Gus about the supervised visitation and the social worker being present and he knew that he had also done his best to explain the situation to his son, but it was obvious that Gus wasn't happy and hated every minute of it. Gus had been very subdued on their last two visits and today was no different. He was hardly speaking and knowing his son as well as he did, Brian knew that Gus was clearly uncomfortable with the woman being present and watching all their interactions.

And if he was honest with himself, so was Brian. It was weird to have someone watch every interaction he had with his son and make notes about the things they did, the way they interacted and what they said to each other. He hated it himself, but different to Gus, he understood that there wasn't much they could do about it for the time being. There was no way they could go against a court order from a judge, yet Brian knew that it was a lot harder for Gus to understand why they would suddenly always have another person with them no matter what they did or where they went and why he couldn't any longer spend any time on his own with his father like he had done for the last year.

“Gus,” Brian sighed, running a hand through his son's auburn locks. “I know you don't like this and quite honestly, I don't like it either, but for the time being, we have to follow the rules the judge has set for us.”

“Why? Why would he make such a stupid rule? We always spent time on our own before and were fine. Why would that suddenly change?” Gus asked, being a typical teenager. He was moody and bratty like the best of them, being no different to any other teenagers out there.

As Brian listened to Gus, he knew that he was partly to blame for that. Several times since that court hearing, he had beaten himself up about the fact that his desire to spend more time with Gus had ended them in this situation. If he had just been happy with what they had had before, if he had just accepted Justin's rules, he would still be able to spend time with Gus on his own, without a court appointed supervisor following their every move. It had been his desire to gain full custody of Gus that had ended them in the situation they were in now. He knew that and was well aware of the role he had played in all of this, but more than that, he was aware of the role Justin had played. If Justin had just been reasonable and had let Brian spend more time with Gus, if he hadn't gone and gotten those statements about his nightmares that he had presented to the judge, they wouldn't be in this situation either. So while Brian was willing to accept his fault in all of this, he was not yet ready to forgive the younger man for the role he had played in this mess. Not that he would ever voice as much in front of Gus. He knew that Gus loved Justin and he didn't want to destroy that, had never wanted to and just as importantly, he knew how bad talking badly about Justin to Gus would look in front of the social worker listening in to every word they were saying.

“Gus, I know it's not easy to understand, but... all I wanted was to spend more time with you. I didn't know the judge would make this decision.”

“And I want to spend more time with you, but no one is even asking me what I want. Not Justin, not the judge, not her,” he angrily pointed at the woman at the next table.

Brian felt his heart break at Gus' anger and pain and he wished there was something he could do to make all the pain go away. “I care what you want, Gus. Which is why I am asking you to just go along with it for a while longer, okay? If this is what the judge wants, this is what we'll do. I am sure that in the end he'll let you spend more time with me, okay?”

Gus didn't look convinced and just hung his head.

“And you will get your chance to tell them what you want, I promise. Did Justin tell you that they want to speak to you as well and want to hear what you have to say?” Brian asked, not quite sure what exactly Justin had told Gus about the judge's decision and how much detail he had shared with Gus. After all it wasn't like he and Justin were talking and agreeing on how to best keep Gus in the loop. He was treading completely blind here as he had no idea what Justin had shared with Gus so far apart from what Gus had mentioned to him.

“I know,” Gus murmured, before looking up at Brian from glassy eyes. “But he said things would be like this for three months. I don't want them to be like this. I hate this, Dad.”

By now the tears had started and Brian moved over to Gus's side, sitting down next to his son and taking him into his arms. Under normal circumstances Gus would have complained that at 13 years old he was too old and too cool to be hugged by his father in public and he would be embarrassed by his own tears, but these were not normal circumstances and Brian was glad when Gus allowed the hug and actually leaned into his father's embrace.

“I hate it, too,” Brian whispered into auburn hair as he held Gus tight. “But we can do this, okay? We'll just follow their rules, do what they want and then it will be over before we know it. It'll be alright, Gus.”

Brian ran a hand up and down Gus' back and tried to comfort his son as best as he could. “I love you, sonny boy and I know that this is not what we were hoping for, but it'll be okay. Three months isn't that long.”

“I love you, too, Dad,” Gus replied, before he pulled back and angrily wiped away his tears. He sniffed twice, used one of the napkins to wipe his nose, then took a deep breath, before he tried to smile at his father, clearly embarrassed by his earlier display of emotions. “Do you think we can go to the park after lunch and play some soccer? I want to show you some new trick that I learned this week at practice.”

“That sounds perfect,” Brian agreed enthusiastically, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, but he didn't care. He just wanted Gus to be happy and if going to the park and playing soccer made Gus happy then that was what he would do.

A couple of minutes later their lunch was served and they tried to enjoy their time together as much as they could under their current circumstances. Gus seemed to feel better now, telling Brian all about his days at school, but knowing Gus as well as he did, Brian knew that his son wasn't alright. He was suffering from the situation, was suffering from being watched by a social worker at all times that he interacted with his father and as much as both Brian and Gus tried to ignore her presence, they were always fully aware of it. Even Gus. Brian knew it and could see it on his son's face and it broke his heart.

***

“Gus, what are you doing here?” Brian frowned as he walked into the lobby of Kinnetik. His secretary had just buzzed him and told him that Gus was there to see him. Brian knew that Gus shouldn't be there, that he was not allowed to spend any time with Gus without supervision, but what was he supposed to do if Gus just showed up at his office like this? Something he had done hundreds of times before without it ever being any problem.

“Dad!” Gus exclaimed as he walked up to Brian and threw his arms around him.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked, wondering if something might have happened that had made Gus come here out of the blue.

“I just missed you so much, Dad!” Gus said quietly as he hugged his father closer.

Brian returned the hug and held his son tight. After a minute he led him towards his office. “I miss you, too, sonny boy. Do Justin and Ethan know that you're here?” Brian couldn't help but ask as they sat down on the sofa in his spacious office, though he was pretty sure that he already knew the answer to that. As if Justin would allow Gus to go and visit Brian.

Gus just shook his head and Brian couldn't help but notice a guilty expression on his son's face.

“Gus?”

“I just wanted to see you without her being there as well,” the boy muttered, his voice sounding slightly flustered now. “Just for once.”

“Gus,” Brian now sighed, looking at the sad expression oh his son's face. He knew exactly how Gus was feeling and wanted that nothing more himself, but unlike Gus, he knew how much trouble they could be in if he broke the judge's order and spent any time with Gus on his own. “We can't.”

“Why not? I always came here after school. So many times and it was never a problem. Why is it a problem now?”

Brian could hear the anger in Gus' voice and he couldn't even blame his son for being angry. It didn't make a lot of sense after all.

“Because the judge decided that for the moment we can only spend time together when she is present,” Brian said quietly.

“But I hate it when she is there. I don't like her watching us,” his son exclaimed and Brian could only nod.

“I know... but it is what it is for now. I wish we could change it, Gus, but for now we can't.”

“Just because you and Justin can't come to an agreement? Just because you and he have to fight about me?”

“Gus,” Brian sighed, but didn't get to say anything else.

“That's it, isn't it? You and he can't agree on who gets to spend more time with me and now I am being punished. I hate you. Both of you!”

“Gus,” Brian tried once more, watching how his son angrily got up from the sofa and started pacing in his office.

“I do! I hate both of you! I am not some toy that you can argue about. I have feelings, too. I have an opinion, but no one is asking me...”

“Gus, I wish there was something I could do to change how things are...” Brian got up as well and slowly walked over to where Gus was still pacing angrily. He knew better than to touch his son in this situation. Gus reminded him way too much of himself when he was angry and Brian knew that if Gus was anything like himself, he was feeling like a caged animal right now and needed to be treated with care. “I am sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that it came to this.”

“I just want to spend time with you without someone watching us and judging everything we do and say,” Gus sobbed as the tears overwhelmed him. “I missed you so much and now... you're back, but... I still can't spend time with you... it's not fair...”

“I know,” Brian agreed quietly, knowing how unfair it all had to seem to Gus at his age. And he really knew. All these years he had hoped and prayed and wished to see Gus and Justin again and to spend time with them again and this hadn't been what he had hoped and prayed for. It was far from it, but for the moment it was their reality and he knew that there was nothing they could change about it. “I missed you too, sonny boy. I... for so long...I thought I would never see you again and when I did, it was the happiest day of my life. I am sorry things didn't work out the way you would have wanted them to...”

Brian hung his head, knowing that he had disappointed his son, something he had never wanted to do. “I only ever wanted you to be happy and...I am sorry you're not...”

Gus' sobs quieted down as he looked up at his father and saw that he was crying himself now. Not sobbing like Gus was, but a single tear making its way down his cheek and a sadness in his eyes that Gus had never seen there before. “Dad?”

“I am sorry everything is such a mess right now, but... I love you, Gus. More than anything. You have to believe me.”

Gus watched his father intently and saw the pain in his eyes, but more than that he saw absolute honesty and sincerity. He slowly made his way over to his father and hugged him. “I love you, too, Dad.”

They stood like that for a long time, just holding on to each other as they both cried silent tears over all the years they had lost and all the pain they had each been through in their own way.

“I love you, Dad. I am sorry I said that I hated you... I don't... I really don't.”

“It's okay. I love you, sonny boy. And it's totally normal to hate your parents every once in a while. Especially when you're a teenager. I think you're legally required to, actually.”

Brian smiled when Gus chuckled in reaction to what he had said, glad to hear that sound coming from his son. He ran a hand through Gus' hair, before he pulled back and looked at his son. “I promise it won't always be like this, Gus. Things will get better.”

“When?” Gus asked, his voice sounding younger and more innocent than he was.

Brian sighed, leave it to Gus to ask the hard questions. “I don't know and I don't want to lie to you by saying soon, but... I am really hoping soon. I would love nothing more than for us to spend time again on our own.”

Gus nodded in resignation, kind of hating his father's honesty because it wasn't the answer he had hoped for, but also appreciating it because his father hadn't just lied to him, but had told him the truth and had deemed him old enough to be able to deal with it.

Brian let go of Gus and slowly made his way over to his desk, running a hand through his hair.

“Where do Justin and Ethan think you are right now?” He asked his son, hating to bring their conversation back to their current circumstances, but being well aware of the trouble he could be in right now and trying to find a solution out of it. If it were up to him, he wouldn't give a fuck about them and would just spend the rest of the day with Gus, but he knew that wasn't possible and he wouldn't risk the little time he still had with Gus by breaking the judge's order. As much as he hated ending this visit from his son, he knew that he needed to take Gus back to where he belonged. At least to where he belonged for the moment, no matter how much his heart would prefer for him to do something else. In this case his head won over his heart.

Gus shrugged, lowering his eyes.

“Gus?”

“I don't know...I didn't tell them anything and just came here.”

“Why didn't you tell them?” Brian asked, though he was sure that he already knew the answer.

“Because Justin would have said no and would have forbidden me from coming here,” Gus muttered, his voice making it clear what he thought of that.

Brian couldn't help but notice how Gus had only mentioned Justin when he himself had been talking about Justin and Ethan. “And Ethan?”

“He probably would have let me, but Justin would have just stopped him from allowing me to come here anyway...”

Brian stored that bit of information away, making a mental note to remember that. “So now they are probably going crazy and are worrying where you are?”

“Maybe,” Gus said quietly, not wanting to admit that his father was probably right. He should have been home from school about an hour ago. As he didn't have any soccer practice today and wasn't supposed to meet a friend after school, Justin and Ethan would probably be waiting for him and were wondering where he was.

“Okay, I am taking you home,” Brian finally declared, after thinking over what would be the best thing to do. Yes, it was tempting to just spend time with Gus and ignore Justin and Ethan, but his head was constantly reminding him of how much trouble he would be in if he did that. Justin would just run to the judge and come tomorrow Brian wouldn't be allowed to see Gus at all with his luck. And there was no chance in hell he would risk that. Yes, he could call them and tell them where Gus was, but he knew well enough that Justin would only demand that he return Gus home right away and would still throw a fit, so better to face the music in person. Maybe he would be able to make Justin understand why Gus had done what he had done.

“Dad,” Gus whined, looking at his father from defiant eyes. “Please, don't. I just want to spend some time with you.”

“I know and there is nothing I would love more, but Gus... we can't... not right now. Not with the judge having made his decision. We have to follow his rules. If we go against his decision, there could be big problems.”

“Problems?” Gus frowned, not liking the sound of that.

Brian didn't want to scare Gus, didn't want to make him any sadder than he already was, so he tried to choose his words very carefully. “When a judge makes a decision, people have to follow it, Gus. You are young and you didn't know any better, but... from now on... I need you to promise me that you won't come here without asking Justin and Ethan first.”

“But...,” Gus started, looking at his father pleadingly.

“I know you only want to spend time with me and believe me, I get it. I want nothing more, but as long as the judge doesn't take back his decision, we can't go against what he has decided. We have to follow his rules, no matter how much we hate them.”

“But I miss you, Dad...”

“I know. I miss you, too,” Brian sighed, looking at Gus sadly. “And you know you can call me at any time. Whenever you miss me, give me a call, okay? We can talk then, I promise.”

“But it's not the same,” Gus whined, looking at Brian sadly.

“No, it's not, but for now it's all we can do. I am sure with time the judge will change his mind, but for now... we can't risk making the judge angry by going against his rules,” Brian explained carefully.

“Will he be angry because I went against his rules?” Gus asked, now sounding slightly worried what trouble his actions might have caused.

“I don't think so, but...from now on, we should try to follow them even though we don't like them.”

“I didn't mean to cause any problems,” Gus said, his voice sounding honest and sincere.

Brian walked over to his son and hugged him once more. “I know, sonny boy. Don't worry, I know.”

After their hug ended, Brian looked at Gus closely. “I love you, sonny boy. I really do. More than you know, but for now... if you miss me, just call me, okay? And then we can talk for as long as you want, okay?”

“Okay,” the young boy agreed reluctantly, before he allowed Brian to lead him out of his office. Brian informed his secretary that he would be gone for the rest of the afternoon and then took Gus home.

The closer they came to home, the more nervous Gus got. “Do you think Justin will be angry?” Gus asked, looking at his father from slightly worried eyes.

“I don't know,” Brian said honestly, not sure he knew how Justin might react. There had been a time when he would have been able to predict Justin's reaction to anything, but that time was long gone and by now it was like he hardly knew the younger man anymore. “Why don't you let me talk to him and try to explain to him first?”

“I doubt he'll listen to you,” Gus said, looking out of the window as they turned into the street his home was on.

Brian couldn't argue with that, knowing that Gus was probably right, still he didn't want for his son to feel any worse than he already did. “It's worth a try.”

As they pulled into the driveway, Brian gave Gus' shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “We can do this.”

Before they even got out of the car, the front door of the house opened and both Justin and Ethan made their way outside. Brian knew the moment Justin realised that it was his car in the driveway because he saw how Justin's features immediately changed from worried to angry.

“Here goes nothing,” he whispered to himself as Gus already left his car.

“Gus! Where have you been? We have been so worried!” Justin exclaimed as he walked over and tried to cool down his anger at seeing Gus in Brian's car.

“I am alright,” Gus muttered, reluctantly allowing for Justin to give him a hug as their paths crossed.

“Why don't you go to your room and get started on your homework, sonny boy and let me and Justin and Ethan talk?” Brian suggested, nodding at Gus encouragingly.

Justin was about to reply, but was stopped by Ethan's hand on his arm. “I think that's a good idea,” he said, smiling at Gus, before he turned to Justin, his eyes telling the blond to not say whatever he had been thinking of saying.

“I love you, Dad,” Gus said, smiling at his father before he made his way inside, knowing that for now he would be okay. Maybe his father would be able to explain to Justin and Justin wouldn't be angry with him later on.

Once Gus was gone and the front door had closed, Justin immediately shook off Ethan's hand on his arm and went on the attack. “Why was he with you? You know he can't be with you...”

“Calm down,” Brian said, trying not to let his anger win over. And god, did he feel angry, just seeing the self-righteous way Justin was looking at him. “I can explain if you will let me.”

“Explain? What is there to explain? You broke the judge's order,” Justin spat, not feeling one bit like calming down. His emotions were on overload. He had been so worried about Gus and his mind had gone crazy thinking about what could have happened to him.

“Justin,” Ethan started, but stopped when Justin now turned to him.

“You know how worried I was. Thinking he might have had an accident or worse... and the whole time I was worried that something might have happened to him, Brian was with him? Don't even think about telling me to calm down.”

“And yet you didn't even call me,” Brian interjected before Justin could go on.

“Excuse me?” Justin frowned, wondering if Brian was for real.

“Gus didn't return home from school, you had no idea where he was, thinking the worst, yet you apparently didn't even think of calling me, his father, to let me know that my son was missing!”

“Well, turns out you knew all along where he was, didn't you?” Justin spat, not even for a second thinking about Brian's words and if he might be right about them.

“And I will explain to you, if you just calm the fuck down,” Brian gave back, his anger rising by the second.

“Don't tell me to calm down. You are in so much trouble. I hope this afternoon was worth it because it will be the last time you'll be seeing Gus in a long time.”

“Justin,” Ethan started once more, trying to calm his partner down. “Why don't you at least give Brian a chance to explain what happened?”

“What happened? Oh, I know what happened. Brian thought that the rules don't apply to him and he could just go and pick Gus up at school and spend the afternoon with him, breaking the judge's order, not caring about you or me and how worried we would be. Well, here's some news for you: That's not how this works!” Justin nearly yelled at the two men standing close to him.

“I didn't pick him up. He came to my office,” Brian said quietly, trying to stay as calm as he could under the circumstances. “Can't you see what this is doing to him? Are you so high up your horse that you can't see how much pain he is in?”

“He can't come to your office. Why didn't you call us right away?” Justin asked, his voice full of indignation.

“Because my son is suffering and needed me,” Brian spat. “This whole situation is destroying him. Have you looked at him recently?”

“Of course I have. I see him every day.”

“Then can't you see what this is doing to him?” Brian asked, wondering if Justin really couldn't see it or didn't want to see it.

“I didn't make the rules,” Justin said, crossing his arms. Yes, he could see how sad Gus had been in the last couple of days, he could hear in his voice how much he missed Brian and missed spending time with him on his own, but the judge's order was what it was and they would just have to accept the new rules.

“Neither did he and yet he's the one suffering the most from them,” Brian said, before taking a deep breath. “He came to my office because he has done so many times before and it has never been a problem before. He doesn't understand why he's suddenly not allowed to come and see me any longer. He doesn't understand why there's suddenly a woman with us everywhere we go, watching our every move and listening to every word we say. He doesn't understand any of this.”

“I explained it to him,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Ethan at that point.

“Did he say why he came to your office today of all days?” The younger man wondered, sounding much calmer than his partner at his side.

“He said he missed me and that he just wanted to spend some time with me on his own without anyone else present,” Brian shrugged, before turning back to Justin. “Don't worry, I explained to him that it's not possible and I explained to him why he can't. But he's a young boy, Justin. How is he supposed to understand any of this?”

“I am not the one that made the rules,” Justin said once again, still looking angry more than anything.

“If that's what you have to tell yourself, so you can sleep at night,” Brian muttered, shaking his head angrily.

“It was the judge's decision, not mine,” Justin gave right back, the volume of his voice rising once more.

“And why did he make that decision? Jesus Christ, don't pretend you don't know your part in any of this. You know very well how he came to that decision and why.”

“It's not my fault that you didn't go and get any help, Brian. That's a decision you made,” Justin angrily shot back, not ready to take the blame for what was going on.

“Help? I don't need any help... Jesus Christ...”

“Why don't we all calm down?” Ethan suggested, knowing full well that they were only seconds away from another full-blown argument. “Brian,” he said, turning towards the older man, who was clearly fuming by now. “Thanks for bringing Gus back home safely. We really appreciate it.”

Justin's head shot to his partner looking at him in absolute disbelief. “We appreciate it? It was the least he could do after not even calling us to let us know that Gus was with him.”

“I am sorry, I was too busy comforting my son who was crying his heart out because he's in pain right now, to care about you and your feelings. And let's not forget that you didn't call me either!”

“I am under no obligation to call you,” Justin nearly yelled, his anger once again taking over. God, why was Brian making him so angry? Why couldn't he see his own part in this whole mess? Justin had always allowed Gus to spend time with Brian, it was the judge that had issued the order that all visits should be supervised now, not him. He had never requested that! And he wouldn't take the blame for following that order.

“I am his father!” Brian now yelled back. “I have a right to know when my son is missing.”

“Only that he wasn't missing, but was with you. Where he wasn't supposed to be. My lawyer will get in contact with the judge to let him know that you broke the court order. You will regret this, Brian!”

“Justin, please,” Ethan said calmly, once again trying to get his partner to calm down.

“I will not regret taking care of my son when he is in pain and needs me. I will never regret being there for Gus when he needs me,” Brian said seriously, before he turned back to his car, knowing that there was no point in speaking to Justin under these circumstances. As he opened the door, he looked at Justin one last time. “I know that you love him. For god's sake, remember that love and take one good look at him and ask yourself if what we're doing is really the best for him.”

Not listening to Justin's reply, Brian got into the car and drove off, knowing fully well that he would have a lot of thinking to do that evening, thinking about his own role in all of this. And he would. He had seen for weeks how sad Gus had been, but seeing how much pain his son had been in today, had broken him and had made him realise that this was not what was best for Gus, quite on the contrary. It was destroying the happy boy his son had been.