Chapter 18

Brian sat on his leather sofa, looking outside the window at the skyline of Toronto. It was already late and dark and as there were no lights on in his apartment, he could see the lights of the city from his window. Not that he was really paying attention to the view. Or anything really. For the last hour, he had looked at the glass of whiskey in his hand, but had looked more through it than at it, caught deep in his own thoughts.

After he had left Justin's place, he had driven around the city without any specific destination in mind for about an hour, before he had finally returned to his apartment. He had then grabbed the bottle of whiskey and had started drinking right away. He had been in the frame of mind to get absolutely wasted in order to forget about the events of the day, but after two shots of whiskey had stopped and had started staring at his drink instead of drinking it.

Realistically, he was well aware that getting drunk wouldn't solve anything and as much as he would just love to forget about the day's events and even more so about his son's general state of mind at the moment, he knew that he couldn't. He was Gus' father and it was his responsibility to make sure that his son would be alright. Whether he lived with him or not. And in order to make some decisions regarding Gus' wellbeing, he knew he needed a clear head, so the more he had started thinking about what he could do to help Gus, the more he had gotten caught in his own head.

The longer he had thought about Gus, how much pain he was in and how much he was suffering, the more he couldn't help but wonder if maybe it would have been for the best if he had never shown up in his son's life again.

Gus had been happy with Justin and Ethan before Brian had returned into his life and if it wouldn't have been for Brian's desire to get full custody, he would probably still be his usual happy self.

The more Brian had thought about the events ever since his return into Gus' and Justin's life, the more he couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been best for either of them if Brian had just stayed dead in their minds. He knew that they had grieved and had suffered, but they had also moved on and started a new life and they had been happy.

Neither Gus nor Justin had seemed particularly happy earlier and Brian knew that it was his fault. And the more he had thought about his role in this mess, the worse he had felt. Gus had been right when he had yelled at him that he was not a toy for Justin and him to fight over. What had they been thinking? What had he been thinking? Had his own desire to spend time with his son been more important than Gus' happiness? Had his own desire to reclaim his role as Gus' father been worth the pain he was causing his son?

Shouldn't he have been happy that Justin had given his son a good life, had provided a good home for him, full of love and happiness and shouldn't he have accepted that and found his place in it? Why had he gone and felt like he needed to restake his claim as Gus' father? Why?

The more Brian thought about that question, the less he liked the possible answers. None of them said anything good about him and his motives and all of them led back to the fact that nothing had been the way he had hoped and prayed for during all those years in Gilead.

Knowing that Gus and Justin were alive and well had kept him alive. It had kept him going even through the worst moments. The knowledge that one day he would be reunited with the two most important people of his life, the people he loved above all else had given him the strength to endure and to finally make that run for Canada. And when he had crossed the border, he had known that everything would be okay. He would be reunited with his sonny boy and his Sunshine, only that life had had different plans.

Gus was hurting and in pain and Justin pretty much hated him. No, that was definitely not what he had had in mind during all those dark, lonely moments alone in the concentration camp in Gilead. And he wondered if he would have made the run for Canada had he known how everything would turn out. Would he have tried to cross the border, knowing that it would cause his son so much pain? Maybe it would have been better for Gus if he had never shown up again. He was sure that Justin would readily agree with that point of view.

And yet, despite knowing everything that he knew now, seeing his son and Justin again had been the happiest moment of his life. To know that they had been alive, well and had created a peaceful, happy life for themselves had made him happier than he had ever thought possible. So how had things gone so wrong from that?

Because he had been an egoistical idiot. As usual. He had made it all about himself, his desires and what he wanted, not really thinking about what Gus needed.

And what was even worse than knowing that he had failed his son so bitterly, was the fact that Justin had failed him just as badly. Brian knew his own responsibility in this mess, but he still didn't feel like letting Justin off the hook completely. Justin had also been egoistical and cared more about his own feelings than Gus' which was something that was so unlike Justin. For a long time Justin had been the more paternal of the two of them. Justin had been the one who had even made Brian see that he could be a good father, that he had this ability to love in him, an ability that Brian had doubted existed in him. If it hadn't been for Justin encouraging him and supporting him in being a father to Gus, Brian would have never turned into a paternal person himself.

He had never seen himself as a father and the idea had been for him to just be a sperm donor and for Lindsay and Melanie to raise Gus. He had never been supposed to be involved, but then he had seen his sonny boy for the first time and had felt a love for him like he had never felt for anyone before. And Justin had shown him that it was okay to feel that love. Justin had shown him that it was okay to love Gus and be a father to him, Justin had always encouraged him to take a more active role in Gus' life and had helped him become a better father, leading by example and showing Brian how easy it was for him to love Gus, a child he didn't even have any biological link with. Justin had always been a part of Gus' life, had always loved him and he had always been the one who had been more natural at simply loving with all his heart. While it had been hard work for Brian to open himself up to the idea of love and being capable of loving Gus, Justin had just done it. He had just loved Gus. And Brian had never doubted that love which was why he had made the decision to send Gus off to Canada with Justin. He had known that Justin would do whatever he needed to do to make sure that Gus was alright. Only that Gus wasn't and Justin hadn't done what was needed. Brian couldn't help but wonder what had gone wrong there and in the end knew that it had been his fault.

His reappearance had shaken Justin's life and how could it not? The family Justin had built for Gus and himself had become threatened by Brian's reappearance and the more Brian thought about it, the more he understood Justin trying to protect that family and life he had built for them. Only that somewhere along the way he had also lost sight of what was most important: Gus!

Brian still stared at the glass in his hand, hanging on to his own thoughts when the doorbell to his apartment rang. It took him a few minutes to come back to reality from his thoughts, but whoever wanted to see him was insistent and just kept on ringing. He sighed as he got up, frowning when he saw that it was already past 10pm. He wasn't expecting anyone, definitely not at that time of night and wondered who it could be.

“Hold your fucking horses, I am coming,” he muttered as he made his way over to the door and pressed the button on the intercom that would connect him to whoever was standing outside his front door. “Yeah?”

“Let me in...please,” the voice just said and for a second Brian froze. He recognised the voice right away, he always would, he would always recognise it even in a sea of a million voices, but he had not expected that voice to come to his door and demand to be let in. And definitely not in that tone of voice. Justin sounded sad, tired and beyond exhausted.

For a second Brian considered ignoring the younger man and wanted to tell him to fuck off, but something in Justin's tone of voice had caught his attention and had pulled at his heartstrings and even though he knew that he would probably regret this decision later on, he couldn't not let him in. He somehow had a feeling that the younger man hadn't come looking for another fight.

Steeling himself for whatever the night would bring, Brian wordlessly pressed the button that would open the door to his building, then opened his own door and walked away, back to the sofa. He still didn't turn the light on and just flopped back onto the sofa, waiting for the younger man to make his way into his apartment.

A couple of minutes later, Brian heard how his door was quietly closed and heard slow steps making their way through his apartment.

“Brian?”

“Here,” he just answered, knowing that the sound of his voice and the lights of the city would guide Justin to the sofa.

A couple of seconds later the younger man appeared by his side, apparently unsure of what to do.

“Sit,” Brian said, pointing towards the empty space on the sofa next to him. He held out the bottle of Jim Beam that he had been drinking from earlier to Justin and the younger man took it wordlessly as he flopped down on the sofa as well.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them that neither of them seemed ready to break. Brian still stared at the glass in his hand while Justin took a healthy sip from the bottle in his hand, looking outside at the city lights.

“Nice view,” he said after a couple of minutes. “Reminds me of the loft,” he almost whispered as he still took in the lights of the city.

“Yeah, me too. It's why I chose this place,” Brian admitted, not quite sure why he was sharing that piece of information with Justin at all. It was the truth though. When he had looked at places to live, the view from this apartment had reminded him of the loft, had reminded him of better times and he just couldn't say no to that view.

“Why are you here?” Brian finally asked after several minutes when another uncomfortable silence had settled between them.

“I don't know,” Justin said quietly, taking another drink from the bottle.

When Brian just looked at him and raised an eyebrow as if to say 'Really? You can do better than that', Justin sighed.

“I guess I didn't really feel welcome at home...”

“And you thought you would be welcome here?” Brian couldn't help but ask, his voice showing some of his familiar snark.

“No,” Justin replied honestly, knowing better than to assume that Brian was happy to see him.

“Then why are you here?” Brian repeated his earlier question.

“I think I was looking for a fight,” Justin admitted, before he leaned back and rested his head on the back of the sofa.

“You don't seem to be in a fighting mood,” Brian pointed out, once again noticing how tired and exhausted the younger man sounded and looked.

“I've been driving around for hours,” the younger man said, before he sighed sadly. “Gus wouldn't talk to me. He just yelled at me that he hated me and then slammed his door in my face... Ethan won't talk to me... Everyone is acting like I am completely unreasonable and like this is all my fault.”

Brian knew that he shouldn't, but he felt a deep sense of satisfaction when he heard what Justin had to say. At least he didn't seem to be the only one that Gus was angry with. As far as he was concerned, Justin didn't deserve anything less from his sonny boy. Then his thoughts sobered and he started to feel sad about what Justin had said. All it really showed was how hurt Gus was, how much he was suffering. He knew that Gus loved them both and for him to act this way only spoke of how much his son was suffering right now.

“Don't expect me to disagree with them,” Brian muttered finally, taking a sip of his whiskey, feeling like he would need it for whatever was to come.

Justin ignored Brian's remark and just continued speaking in a sad voice. “ When Gus didn't come home from school... I was so worried. So scared that something might have happened to him. I... couldn't think clearly. If something had happened to him... it would have broken me.”

Justin took another sip from the bottle, then sighed. “After you left... when they both wouldn't talk to me...I needed an outlet, a punching bag so to speak, so I wanted to come here and wanted to give you a piece of my mind. Wanted to blame you for everything and … as I made my way over, there were some construction works going on and I had to take another route and on that route I passed the park where... where we had the memorial for you when...when we thought... you were dead...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

When Brian stayed quiet, allowing him to gather his thoughts, the younger man continued. “I got out and... I took a walk and... I went to the site where we... where we said goodbye to you...I hadn't been back ever since that day, but... it all came rushing back... all the memories, all the pain...”

A silent tear was now running down Justin's cheek and Brian could see it even in the darkness of his apartment. He could hear the pain in the younger man's voice and wasn't quite sure how to react to what Justin had said.

“Justin,” he started, trying to say something, not quite sure what, but Justin was already continuing with what he had to say.

“I lost you before and... now it feels like I am losing you all over again and... I am not sure I can do it again,” he whispered in a broken voice. “I don't want to lose you again...”

“I am here, right here,” Brian said quietly, not quite sure what else he could say.

“Yeah, but... we aren't,” Justin whispered, finally turning and looking at Brian from eyes so full of pain that it would have made the older man stumble if he had been standing.

“There is no we,” he replied calmly, knowing that it was the truth, no matter how painful that truth was. They were not together anymore, they weren't a unit anymore, there was no 'we' as Justin had refered to.

“What happened to us, Brian?” Justin asked, as more tears ran down his cheeks. “Whart happened to me?”

“Life,” the older man just shrugged, knowing that it was the truth. As simple as that.

Justin was quiet now, silently crying the tears he couldn't hold back.

Brian was torn between holding the younger man and comforting him and still being angry with him and couldn't really make up his mind. It wasn't his place to comfort Justin, not any longer, so he finally made the decision to stay back and let the man cry his tears in peace.

When Justin calmed down after a couple of minutes, Brian wordlessly handed him a tissue from the tissue box on the table.

“I don't want to be this person, Brian...this isn't me...”

Years ago Brian would have readily agreed with Justin, would have known what kind of person he was, but now, he wasn't so sure. Ever since that night with the nightmare Justin had turned into a person he didn't know. A person he wasn't familiar with and couldn't read like he had been able to read him before. “Then who are you?”

“If only I knew...,” Justin sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I thought I was a father to Gus... a partner to Ethan, but... I am not so sure anymore...”

“Why not?” Brian asked, though he had a feeling that he knew the answer.

“You know why not, Brian,” Justin just replied, meeting the older man's gaze head on. Justin knew that Brian had understood what he wanted to say and playing dumb didn't suit him.

“Because of me?” Brian asked, needing Justin to say what he thought the younger man was hinting at.

“You coming back into our life changed everything,” Justin whispered, before he hung his head. “It changed me...”

“I guess it would have been better for everyone if they had just gone ahead and really finished it once and for all, huh?” Brian muttered, as he took another sip from his whiskey.

Justin's head shot up and his eyes widened immediately. “What?”

“It would have saved us all a lot of pain and trouble,” Brian went on, not really paying attention to Justin's reaction and being too caught up in his own emotions.

“That's not what I meant,” the younger man immediately interjected, but Brian just ignored him.

“God knows you and Gus were better off thinking I was dead.”

“Brian?” Justin watched the older man as new tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He reached out a hand and gently rested it on the older man's shoulder. “Is that what you're thinking?”

“You had a life, you made a life for Gus...I guess you were happy before I showed up and burst that bubble. God knows, Gus can't have been more miserable than he is now...”

“Brian,” Justin started, this time more insistent to get Brian's attention. “Look at me, Brian.”

When the older man didn't react, Justin got up from his place on the sofa and knelt before Brian, forcing the older man to look right at him.

“You couldn't be more wrong... You've got it all so wrong,” he whispered as his hands clasped Brian's face. Ignoring the tears now running down his face, he wondered what he could say to make Brian understand.

In the end, he leaned in and decided to not speak at all. Brian had always believed that actions spoke louder than words, so Justin would just let his actions speak for themselves, hoping that Brian would understand.

He felt slight hesitation from Brian as his lips brushed against Brian's in the gentlest of touches, but once his tongue started begging for entrance, Brian's instincts took over and within seconds he was kissing Justin back.

The kiss stayed relatively chaste for their standards, but it still left them both breathless when they broke apart.

Justin could see the confusion in Brian's eyes and decided that maybe words would be needed to support his actions.

“You've got it all so wrong, Brian,” he started, before he took a deep breath. “When... when we thought you were dead... that was not life. We weren't living. Gus and I were merely existing, trying to go on, trying to make it through the next day. I... I felt so empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know how to keep on living and … if it hadn't been for Gus, if it hadn't been for him needing me, I think... I think I might have lost myself, but he needed me and he became my sole reason for being. I existed so that he could live.”

Justin tried to get his words in order, tried to make sense of the confusion in his head. “And then I met Ethan and... I thought maybe I could have a life again, not just an existence and... I allowed myself to fall for that fantasy, but...when you came back, you changed what I thought was my plan for my life and... I don't think I really understood until I went to that park tonight, or maybe I did and just wasn't ready to accept what it meant, but I understand now and... God, I made such a mess of things, but... I didn't know what to make of all that confusion and the changes your reappearance caused... I...I know I went about it all the wrong way, but, Brian...I need you to understand: Life without you is not a life. It's merely an existence.”

Brian still felt beyond confused by what was happening and he knew that the confusion had to show on his face. “I don't understand...,” he admitted, still feeling lost for words.

“You coming back to us, you coming back to Gus and me is the best thing that has ever happened to us,” Justin said honestly, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“It caused nothing but trouble,” Brian threw in, knowing that it was the truth.

“Because I wasn't ready to see the truth for what it was and... instead of accepting what I felt from the day you came back, I was so desperate to hang on to what I thought I wanted that I messed everything up...” Justin now hung his head, letting go of Brian's face.

“What are you saying?” Brian asked looking at the man that was still kneeling in front of him.

“I think... I've finally realised who I am and who I want to be, Brian. I... for a whole year I was too fucking scared to admit to myself who I am even though deep down I had known the truth from the day you had reappeared in our life and I was so intent on keeping the status quo that I caused you and Gus so much pain, but...I finally realise who I really am.”

“And who would that be?” Brian asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“The man that loves you and your son with all his heart and knows that life is merely an existence if you're not in it to share it with me. I love you, Brian! I have lost you once and I know what the alternative feels like and a life with you is the only life I want. Everything else is just an existence, but only with you by my side is it a life worth living.”

As soon as Justin had finished, he gasped because Brian all but jumped up from the sofa and almost ran away from where he had been sitting seconds before.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The older man almost yelled as he turned on Justin with blazing eyes.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, not quite sure what to make of Brian's reaction.

“You have turned Gus' and my life into a living hell. And now you tell me that you love me and just weren't ready to face your feelings? You think that makes everything okay?”

“Brian...”

“No, don't Brian me... You can't do this. You can't just drop a bomb like that on me when you're the one who just hours ago threatened me with never seeing my son again. Is that your idea of love? What kind of sick joke is this?” Brian was now pacing, his whole body screaming of the stress he was feeling.

“I...I am sorry,” Justin started, but never got any further.

“Sorry? That's it? A sorry and I love you and then we're fine? Is that what you had in mind? How about a quick roll in the sack to top it off? Hmm?”

“I...I think I should leave,” Justin said, not quite sure what else to do or say. He hadn't anticipated Brian to react like this and he wasn't quite sure how to deal with it.

“And then what? Go home to my son and your partner? What about him? What about Ethan?” Brian angrily threw at Justin, for once not even bothering to use a wrong name for his partner.

Justin hung his head, burying it in the seat on the sofa where Brian had been sitting a minute ago, where they had been kissing less than five minutes ago.

“Are you going to tell him, too that you love him? And if he is in a more forgiving mood than I am, he wins and gets to keep you in his life? Is that how you think this works?”

“No, I... Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Justin angrily slammed his fist into the seat, then slowly got up.

“I get it, I messed up again. It seems to be all I am doing lately. Maybe it's all I've ever done...It doesn't change the fact though that I love you. I am sorry it took me so long to realise it and I am even more sorry about all the pain it has caused all of us, but... I thought I had a life with Ethan and then you showed up again and... you made me question everything about the life I thought I had. Yes, I was shit-scared of facing the truth and thought it was easier to lie to myself and pretend that I was happy, but... tonight, when I went to that park, I finally had to admit to myself that whatever I thought was happiness was nothing compared to how happy you make me. You are my life, Brian! I know I went about this all wrong, but it's the truth. I love you and I will always love you and I want you to know that I am damn glad that you showed up in our life again. And so is Gus. You haven't seen him in the last few years, but I have and he has been so happy ever since you came back. He loves you sooooo much. I know I can never make up for how things escalated between us, I fucking know that, but...don't tell yourself that we don't love you and aren't glad that you are still alive and here. You couldn't be more wrong.”

By now Justin was crying again, but he didn't care. He knew that he had messed up. Brian was right about that. He probably couldn't have done anything worse than just drop a bomb like that on Brian in their current situation. He knew better than to expect that Brian would trust a single word that had come out of his mouth this night. He knew he would have to prove to Brian and Gus that he really meant it and he would. He fucking would if it was the last thing he ever did.

“I love you, Brian and I will fucking prove it to you even if it's the last thing I ever do.”

With that Justin turned around and left Brian and the apartment without another look back.