Chapter 19

Brian sighed as he tried to type a reply to the email he had been staring at for the last 45 minutes. He just didn't seem able to concentrate and his mind constantly kept travelling back to the previous night and Justin in his apartment. If he was honest with himself, as much as he went over their conversation again and again, his mind mostly kept travelling back to the moment when Justin had kissed him.

He cursed himself as he once again went back to that moment, the moment those soft lips had touched his own and had begged for entrance. It hadn't been a hot and heavy kiss, definitely not, but thinking about it, still got Brian going.

Just the fact that Justin's lips on his own still made him feel like that, made Brian angry. How could it be that after everything that had happened between them in the past year a simple kiss from Justin could still make him feel like that? They had hardly talked to each other, every time they had it had ended in huge fights, lawyers and judges were involved and as far as Brian was concerned their relationship had forever changed and then Justin had kissed him like that and Brian wasn't quite sure what to make of that.

The kiss had felt good. Brian would be lying if he said it hadn't. After all it was Justin, the only man he had ever cared for, the only man he had ever loved. The man who had risked so much to be with him, had gone through so much trauma from the very beginning of their relationship and had stayed by his side until the bitter end. The man who had become a father to his son.

He had thought that he and Justin were over for good. Justin was with Ethan now, had a life and career, there was no place in his life for Brian which had become more and more clear to Brian over the course of the last year. It had become more clear with every fight they had had. He was not wanted in Justin's life and more importantly, he wasn't needed anymore.

Back in Pittsburgh Justin had been dependent on Brian to a certain degree. He had only been a student, hardly making enough money to pay for his art supplies that he needed and even less so to pay for accomodation or tuition. Brian had paid for that and had taken care of Justin while the younger man had focused on his studies. Yes, they had signed a contract and Justin had paid him back by now according to the terms of that old contract even though Brian hadn't wanted him to, but still, Brian had been needed to make sure that Justin would get his education. And then, when he had no longer been allowed to study and later to work, he had been even more dependant on Brian and his money. Just like he had needed Brian's money when he had arrived in Canada with Gus. And now all of that had changed.

Justin had a career now, maybe not the career that he had wanted and dreamed of, but a good career that made good money for him. He didn't need Brian any longer and it had become so clear over the last year that he also didn't want Brian in his life. Brian had become a nuisance in his life with Gus and Ethan and Brian had convinced himself that Justin was probably thinking every night how much easier his life would have been if Brian had never reappeared in it, only that now Justin had kissed him like that and had told him that he loved him.

Brian would be lying if he said he wasn't confused. How could Justin claim to love him when he had done everything in his power to keep Brian and Gus apart and had made both their lives a living hell? Whether intentional or not. You didn't do that to someone you loved. You didn't.

Then he thought of what he had done to Justin. He had taken him to court over custody first, he had started the legal proceedings and hadn't really given Justin much choice, had he?

Brian felt like his head was bursting from all the thoughts going around in it and he angrily slammed his hands on the keyboard in frustration when he just stared at the empty body of the email again. Why did Justin have to kiss him and tell him that he loved him? Why?

Things had been easy and clear as long as he had known that Justin hated him and wanted him out of his life. Now things were getting confusing and Brian didn't know what to make of them and most of all what his own feelings were concerning those revelations from Justin.

Assuming that Justin was honest and really still loved him, what did that mean? How could he drop something like that on Brian while he was in a relationship with someone else? What was Brian supposed to do? Just sit by and watch Justin and Ethan play happy family with his son, while knowing that Justin loved him and had kissed him? And more importantly, what about his own feelings? How did Brian feel about knowing that Justin loved him?

He had loved the younger man ever since he had known him, not that he would ever admit it to Justin, but yeah, he had fallen in love with that persistant teenager pretty early on. Long before he had admitted it to Justin for the first time. And he had loved him even more the darker things around them had gotten. And he had never loved the younger man more than when they had made their way towards Canada and had been separated that night so long ago. Brian hadn't even hesitated, had loved the younger man so much that he had gladly sacrificed his own freedom for the well-being of Justin and Gus. And all those years in Gilead, thoughts of Justin had kept him going. He had always loved the younger man, had loved him when he had woken up in Toronto and had seen him by his bedside, had loved him even after he had found out about him having moved on and having a new partner in his life. He had loved him all those years, but then things had changed and they had started to fight and during all those fights, Brian had been beyond angry and he had been sure that there was no longer any love lost between them. And now? Justin had kissed him and with that one simple kiss Brian's feelings were all over the place again.

It had been so easy to be angry with Justin and to hate him for what he had done to him and Gus, but now that Brian had to assume that Justin still loved him and meant it (and that kiss sure had seemed like he meant it!), what did that mean for his own feelings?

As much as Brian hated admitting it, hated realising the truth, he had no doubt whatsoever what the truth was though: He still loved the young man as well. He always had and he always would.

“Fuck!” Brian muttered as that realisation made it to the front of his mind. He ran a hand through his hair and felt beyond frustrated. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

He loved Justin. He always had and he always would. When it came to the blond, Brian was weak and always would be. Justin had been one of two reasons that he had stayed alive in that concentration camp. He had been one of two reasons why he had made the dangerous trek to Canada, why he had kept going even when exhaustion had claimed his body. He had done all that for Justin (and Gus of course) and he knew that he would do it again and again because he irrevocably loved him. Only where did that leave them now?

Ethan was still in the picture. They still had a custody lawsuit going on. What good would loving each other do them under the current circumstances? As far as Brian was concerned it was only complicating things and he wasn't sure if he was ready for more complications.

Deciding that he would not be able to concentrate on work any time soon, Brian made the decision to leave for the day and to go home. There was no point staying at the office and staring blankly at his screen if he wouldn't get any work done. Thankfully, nothing on his agenda was super urgent and everything could wait until the next day.

His secretary seemed surprised when Brian told her that he would be leaving and wouldn't be back for the rest of the day, but he didn't really care. It was none of her business and it was his company. Those were the spoils of being the boss, he could make his own hours.

***

“Why are you here?” Gus asked angrily, as he saw Justin leaning against his car, looking at him from sad and tired eyes. Gus had just left the school building and was crossing the parking lot on the way to the bus stop. “I don't want to talk to you.”

Justin sighed, nodding slowly. He had come to Gus' school to pick him up, hoping that he could talk to Gus.

After he had come home from Brian's place the night before, he had sat awake in his studio for the rest of the night, staring at an empty canvas, trying to make sense of his thoughts and feelings. It had been a sleepless night, an exhausting night and the exhaustion showed on his face.

He was tired, but thankfully, he had come to some decisions the night before and one of them was that he needed to make things up to Gus. It was partly his fault that the young boy was so angry and sad at the moment and Justin hated seeing him like that. Gus had been through so much in his young life and it made Justin beyond sad to know that he had caused him any more pain. He had never wanted to hurt Gus, he had only wanted the best for him and he loved him. He loved Gus like his own son, he had vowed to protect him and to always be there for him and he knew that he had failed.

And now he had to make it up to him. Somehow. Hopefully, Gus would listen.

“I know...”

“Then why are you here? I am taking the bus home,” the boy said, then walked past Justin's car and towards the bus stop for his bus home.

Justin looked after him, trying to think of what he could say to make Gus talk to him again. He had tried earlier that morning before Gus had left for school, but the boy had pretty much just given him the cold shoulder. Gus had barely spoken five words with him and had made it clear that he didn't want to talk to Justin and blamed him for the whole custody situation.

“Gus, please. Can you just give me a chance to explain?”

“I don't want to hear your explanations. I don't care,” the boy threw back over his shoulder as he continued walking away from the car and towards the bus stop.

“Will you be heading home?” Justin then asked, knowing deep down that this was not the right time and place for the conversation they needed to have, but having hoped against hope that Gus would at least give him a chance to explain.

“Where else would I go? You made sure that I can't go and see Dad,” Gus hissed, glaring at Justin when he saw that the older man was now walking next to him.

“Gus, you know that wasn't my choice. The judge made that decision,” Justin started, but stopped when Gus stopped and pointed his finger at him.

“He made that decision because you don't want me to spend time with Dad. You don't want me to see Dad because you don't want to see him. You don't love him anymore and now I am being punished for that!”

“That is not true, Gus,” Justin said quietly, trying to reason with the angry boy. “The judge's decision was made for other reasons.”

“You didn't even ask me what I wanted... neither did that stupid judge...neither did Dad! You all just care about yourselves and nobody even thought about how this would affect me... I am being punished because you and Dad can't agree who gets to spend more time with me.”

Justin could see the anger in the young boy, but even more than that, he could see the pain. He could hear it in Gus' voice and he knew that Gus' anger was just the outward sign of the pain he was feeling.

“I know it must feel that way to you, but Gus... it's not that simple,” Justin tried to say, but didn't get to go on further because Gus had now started to walk away from him once more.

“I don't care!” Gus just yelled, without turning back.

Against his better judgement, Justin followed the young boy and caught up to him. He reached out a hand and rested it on Gus' arm. “Gus, please. Can we at least talk about this? I want to hear your opinion. I want to know how you feel about this.”

“No, you don't! You didn't before and you don't now...,” Gus muttered as he tried to break away from Justin's touch.

“Gus, I know that you're angry with me and that you're also angry with your Dad, but... more than anything, I know that you're hurting. I know that you're suffering from this new situation we all find ourselves in and I want you to tell me what I can do to make this easier for you,” Justin said, trying to stay calm.

“Let me go and see Dad,” Gus said immediately, not even hesitating. “Without that stupid woman watching everything we do and say.”

“Gus, I can't. The judge,” Justin started, but didn't get any further than that before Gus exploded right in front of his eyes.

“YOU DON'T CARE! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!”

“Of course I care,” Justin sighed.

“Tell that to someone who cares to listen,” Gus hissed, not yelling anymore. He then ran away, leaving Justin behind to stare at the space where Gus had been standing just a few seconds before.

“Fuck!” Justin exclaimed, then ran a hand over his face in utter frustration. He stopped when he realised that Gus hadn't run towards the bus stop, but had run in another direction.

For a second he frowned, then he looked after the young boy and in the direction he had run off to.

He knew that he should leave Gus alone, should give him some time to calm down, but he was worried about him and wanted to make sure that he was okay, so he finally decided to follow in the same direction.

After a couple of minutes Justin reached the sports field and looked around. It took him a couple of seconds to find Gus' small form in one of the seats of the empty stadium.

He immediately saw how Gus' body was shaking and knew that the boy was crying. As he made his way to where Gus was sitting, his heart broke when he saw the sobs that were shaking the boy's small body.

Hesitating for only a second, Justin sat down next to Gus and immediately pulled the crying boy into his arms and held him close.

“I am so sorry, Gus... so sorry. You have no idea,” he said quietly, never letting go of the small body in his arms.

Gus didn't even struggle to get away from him and just continued crying for several minutes, allowing Justin to hold him. The older man apologised over and over, but he wasn't sure if Gus was even listening to anything he was saying.

“You know...you know how much I missed Dad... you know,” Gus said after a few minutes, his voice full of accusation.

“I do, Gus,” Justin agreed quietly. “I missed him, too.”

Gus just snorted derisively, not even bothering to answer what Justin had just said.

“I did. I missed him so much,” Justin said quietly, running a hand over Gus' arm. “And I know how much you love your Dad. I know, Gus.”

“Then why won't you let me go and see him? Spend time with him?” Gus now pulled back and glared at Justin from wet eyes. “First it was Gilead stopping me from seeing him... now it's that stupid judge and you...”

“Gus,” Justin sighed, but then didn't know how to continue. What was he supposed to say? How could he explain to Gus what didn't even make sense to himself? “I never meant for this to happen, you have to believe me.”

“Did you try to do anything to stop it from happening?” Gus asked next, still glaring at Justin, showing him how angry he was. When Justin stayed quiet and didn't reply, Gus just nodded. “Yeah, I thought so.”

“I am sorry you got pulled into this,” Justin whispered after having stayed quiet for the longest time. “I never meant for you to get hurt.”

He had thought about what Gus had said and knew that the boy was right. He hadn't really done anything to stop this from happening. He had done nothing to stop things from escalating like they had between himself and Brian, he had done nothing to protect Gus from getting hurt and he knew that he could never make up for that. It was something that would always be on him, but he could at least try to improve Gus' mental well-being now. It wouldn't make everything okay and it wouldn't make up for what had happened, but he hoped that it would at least make Gus happier than he had been in recent days.

Justin stood up and looked down at Gus. “Come on, I think I have an idea how to fix this.”

Gus frowned, clearly confused. “What?”

“I want to make this up to you, Gus. And I think I know how. Just trust me, please!”

Gus eyed Justin for the longest time, hesitating and not quite sure what to do. In the end he slowly stood up and grabbed his backpack from the seat next to him. “Okay.”

When Justin smiled at him, Gus felt even more confused, but in the end followed the older man towards his car.

They didn't talk at all until they arrived at their destination.

***

Once Brian arrived back home, he ended up in the same spot on the sofa again that he had been in last night which involuntarily led to more thoughts about him and Justin and what Justin's kiss and declaration would mean for them.

Deciding that there wasn't really much he could do about that now, knowing that really a lot also depended on Justin and what conclusions the younger man would draw from his revelations the previous night, Brian decided to turn back to the original problem at hand which was Gus' happiness. What could he do to help his son in their current situation? And the more Brian thought about that, the more he knew what he had to do. He might not like it and it might not be what he wanted, but at the end of the day this wasn't about him, but about the wellbeing of his son and it would be the right thing to do for Gus. Of that he was sure.

Just as he was thinking about how to best go about the decision he had made, his doorbell rang, surprising him once again. Just like the previous night he wasn't really expecting anyone as most people would assume that he was still at work at this time of the afternoon.

He walked over to the intercom and pressed the button. “Yeah?”

“Dad? It's me!” Gus excitedly announced and Brian couldn't help but frown when he heard his son's excited voice. What was Gus doing here? Brian thought he had been able to explain the situation to him the previous day and had hoped that these unannounced visits wouldn't happen anymore. He steeled himself for another unpleasant, painful conversation with his son as he pushed the button that would open the door for him.

“Oh Gus,” he muttered to himself as he opened the door, waiting for his son to appear.

He did a doubletake when he saw not only his son leaving the elevator, but Justin right next to him. Justin looked bashful and seemed rather unsure of himself, which was something Brian wasn't used to seeing in the young man.

Gus excitedly ran into his arms and hugged him as Justin stayed a bit back and watched father and son hug happily.

“Justin said I could spend the afternoon with you. If you have time that is. We went to your office, but they said you had gone home, so we came here,” Gus babbled in obvious excitement that made Brian smile. “Can I stay?”

“Uhm,” Brian hesitated for a second, but then saw Justin nodding at him as if to confirm that what Gus had said was correct. “Yeah, sure. Of course you can.”

Gus happily went inside Brian's apartment, leaving the two men at the door as he made his way over to the living room.

“What is this?” Brian asked as he turned to Justin, trying to keep his voice low as not to let Gus hear what he was saying.

“I thought you two would enjoy some time alone and... I have some things to take care of this afternoon, so I thought if you were free...you and Gus would like to spend the afternoon together.”

“What about the judge's order?” Brian hissed, unlike Justin not yet having forgotten about it.

Justin shrugged. “I won't tell if you don't. I think Gus really needs this,” he ended quietly, not looking at Brian, but the floor in front of him instead.

Not one to say no to spending any time with his son without the social worker present, Brian nodded. He knew that he should be more outraged about Justin just showing up at his place like that and treating him like a glorified babysitter, just allowing him to spend some time with his son because he seemed to be too busy himself, but Brian wouldn't comment on that. Not now. Not when he finally had the chance to spend some time with his son. His son who just a minute ago had seemed happier than Brian had seen him in weeks.

“Okay,” he replied, not ready to look a gift horse in the mouth. “When do you want me to take him home?”

Justin fidgeted, before he raised his gaze to meet Brian's. “I am not quite sure how long... it will take me to do... what I have to do. Maybe I can pick him up later? After dinner?”

This time it was Brian who shrugged. “Sure, whatever.”

Justin nodded, then got ready to leave. “See you later.”

“Yeah, later,” Brian replied, watching as Justin made his way over to the elevator. As the door opened and Justin stepped in, Brian called out once more. “Justin!”

The younger man turned around and looked at Brian.

“Thanks for letting Gus come here!” It was heartfelt and he really meant it and for the first time in a long time Brian saw the smile on the younger man's face that had given him his nickname. It was a big, honest smile and his voice sounded sincere when he said 'You're welcome', before he stepped on the elevator and left them alone.

Brian stared at the closed elevator door for several seconds, trying to make sense of what had just happened, but wasn't able to. In the end he decided to not waste any time on Justin when he could be spending it with his sonny boy.

***

Brian had just put away some boxes of leftover food, when the doorbell rang. “Gus, go get your things. Justin is here.”

He and Gus had spent a fun afternoon after Justin had left. Brian had helped his son with his homework before they had gone out shopping for some ingredients to try and make a pizza from scratch. The pizza had been surprisingly good as far as Brian was concerned and they had just finished dinner. It had been a good afternoon and early evening and both Brian and Gus had enjoyed spending some time on their own without supervision. Their whole interaction had been different and Gus had seemed so much more carefree compared to their most recent visits. It had been obvious how much the boy had craved some time alone with his father.

He pressed the buzzer to let Justin in, not even bothering to use the intercom, after all Justin had said that he would be back after dinner to pick up Gus, then returned to the kitchen to clean up after their dinner.

Therefore it was Gus who first saw Justin enter the apartment. “Is everything alright? Have you been crying?” The younger boy asked which made Brian frown and stop what he was doing.

He looked up from the kitchen and when his eyes settled on Justin, he knew that his son was right. The blond had definitely been crying.

“I am alright,” Justin said, his voice sounding subdued and far from his usual self. “Really, I am,” he said once more when he saw how doubtful Gus looked.

Brian slowly made his way over, looking at Justin closely, seeing the sadness in his eyes, but he thought better of it than to ask Justin about it in front of Gus. “Gus, why don't you go and turn on the TV? That show you love so much is starting soon, isn't it? There is something I need to speak to Justin about, so why don't you go and watch it while we talk?”

Gus nodded, already having complained earlier that day that he was hoping that Justin wouldn't pick him up while his favourite show was on. He didn't want to miss the newest episode and whatever his father and Justin needed to speak about meant that he could watch the episode which seemed alright to him. He just hoped that it wouldn't end in another fight and they wouldn't start yelling at each other again.

Once Gus had left and settled in front of the TV, Brian turned to Justin. His voice was quiet when he spoke. “You cried.”

“It's alright,” Justin said without conviction.

Knowing that it wasn't really his business, but not able to help himself, Brian led Justin towards the kitchen. “Cut the crap. What happened?”

“I broke up with Ethan,” Justin said without much emotion, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could.

“What? Why?” Brian asked, before he could stop himself.

The younger man sighed. “You know why.”

“Justin,” Brian started, but stopped when Justin continued to speak.

“Don't worry, Brian. I am not the teenager anymore that I used to be. I know that this doesn't change anything between us. I told you I had realised some things and I made some changes to my life accordingly. I am not expecting you to care about any of those changes though.”

Brian looked at Justin and could see how tired he looked. “I am sorry,” he said, actually meaning it. He knew that Justin and Ethan had been happy, at least they had seemed happy and he knew that Justin had loved the man.

“Don't be,” Justin muttered, before he ran a hand through his hair. “I was living a lie. My whole life was one big lie and now that I have finally accepted it and have realised what I really want from my life... it didn't seem fair to lead him on any longer. Not when I realise now that there really isn't a future for us.”

“How did he take it?” Brian didn't know why he was asking that, not that it really mattered or that he cared all that much about the other man, yet he thought he had to ask and it definitely felt safer than asking Justin what he wanted from his future. Brian wasn't sure he was ready for that conversation again.

“As is to be expected. He wasn't happy, though he seemed less surprised than I would have expected him to be. Apparently he had been waiting for me to come to this realisation for quite some time.”

“He knew that you love me?” Brian asked, confusion written all over his face.

“Apparently, yeah. Seems like I am an open book to those that know me. He said he had known from the day that you had been back and had just been waiting for me to prove him wrong or to finally realise it myself.”

“So why did he stay if he has known all this time?”

Justin shrugged. “I think he was hoping to be proven wrong by me. That I loved him more than he thought I did.”

“And now?” Brian asked and Justin knew what he was refering to. The house, Gus.

“He is staying with a friend for a couple of days. The Symphony will go on tour then for a couple of weeks and when he comes back from that tour, he will look for a new place to stay. I will tell Gus later tonight. He has a right to know the truth. And Ethan would like to stay a part of his life.”

Brian nodded, not really surprised by that. He had seen over the last year how close his son and the other man were and how much the man cared about Gus. Many times when he and Justin had been fighting, Ethan had tried to be the voice of reason and had tried to mediate between them.

Which brought Brian back to the topic he had really wanted to talk to Justin about. Whatever had happened between Justin and Ethan was between them and like Justin had said, it didn't really change anything between them. Not yet. It was too early for that. Right now all Brian cared about was Gus' wellbeing.

“Speaking of Gus,” Brian started, then took a deep breath. “Is your offer still on the table?”

Justin frowned, making it clear that he wasn't quite sure what Brian was speaking about. “What offer?”

“The custody deal that your lawyer offered. Is it still on the table?”

“The one you rejected?” Justin asked, wanting to make sure that they were speaking about the same deal. Not that there was any other deal that had been offered from Justin's side really.

Brian just nodded in reply.

“I guess so, why?”

“I will take it,” Brian just said, his voice void of any emotion.

Justin did a double-take at that. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, I did, but I can't believe it. Not after everything...”

“Don't get too excited. It's still a shitty deal and I couldn't disagree more,” Brian muttered.

“Then why take it?” Justin asked in confusion.

“It's best for Gus. I don't want him to suffer any longer. If this is the only way to get to see him without supervision, fine, you have won.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but didn't get any further than that.

“I am doing this for Gus, doing what is best for him and will make him stop suffering. Don't ever think it has anything to do with me agreeing with you.”

Justin nodded, realising that there wasn't much he could say to Brian right now. It was clear that nothing he would say would matter to Brian right now, so he just decided to stay quiet.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them which was interrupted by Gus who stuck his head into the kitchen.

“Are we going home now? The show is over,” he announced, his backpack in hand, seemingly ready to go.

“Yeah, we are,” Justin said, before leaving the kitchen and heading for the door. “Say good night to your dad. I'll wait in the hallway.”

Gus happily made his way over to his father and hugged him tight. “I love you, Dad. Today was fun!”

“Yeah, it was,” Brian agreed, holding his son close. “You be a good boy, okay? And if you need me, you call me, alright?”

Brian thought it important to remind his son that he would always be there for him and would always be available, even if they might not be able to see each other. Especially in light of the news he would be getting later that evening. Brian was pretty sure that Gus would be upset, after all Ethan had been an important part of his life and had been a person he had connected with. Brian just wanted his son to know that he would only be a phone call away, no matter what.

He watched after Gus and Justin as they left, hoping that he had done the right thing and that Gus would be alright at the end of all of this. That was the most important thing to him: his son's wellbeing.