Chapter 2

“Justin, hey, are you alright?” Ethan welcomed him with a worried look on his face as Justin entered the house through the kitchen door that was connected to their garage. “Where have you been? Where is Gus?”

“Gus is with Daphne. She offered to take him to see a movie,” Justin said as if on autopilot as he moved further into the house and got out of his jacket and shoes.

“Are you okay? What's going on?” Ethan asked worriedly, immediately noticing that something was off. Not only was it weird that Justin would be out so late in the evening without leaving a note or a message on his voicemail, but it was also weird that Daphne would take Gus out on a school night. Not even speaking of how Justin had avoided to meet his eyes when he had talked to him.

Justin sighed, thinking to himself that both questions really weren't that easy to answer and he had no idea where to start.

“Ethan, we... we need to talk,” Justin said seriously, before he sat down at the kitchen table.

“Okay...,” Ethan looked at Justin from worried eyes, before he moved over and sat down at the kitchen table himself. “What's going on? You're worrying me here, Jus...”

“I got a call this morning... from Toronto General Hospital.”

“Hospital? Is everything okay? Did someone get injured? Was there an accident?” Ethan immediately worried, wondering who could have been in that accident. Justin had already mentioned that Daphne was out at the movies with Gus.

“Brian... he's alive,” Justin whispered, not meeting Ethan's eyes, not sure he wanted to see the reaction to this news on his partner's face.

“Brian? But... he...,” Ethan started, then stopped when he saw Justin's pained expression. He knew all about Brian. After all he and Justin had met at the grief counselling group. He knew that Brian was Justin's former partner and Gus' father and he knew that Brian had been killed in an attempt to flee Gilead four years ago.

“Yeah, we all thought he was...dead. Turns out he's not. He managed to escape from a Gilead concentration camp and made his way North to Toronto.”

“Wow...,” was all Ethan could say to that, trying to get a grip on his emotions. He could see how shell-shocked and confused Justin seemed and if he was honest, he felt quite the same. His partner's former lover, who they had all thought was dead wasn't and turned up alive in Toronto. “How is he?”

“He's unconscious. Malnourished, has hypothermia and... they say he has been tortured,” Justin said quietly, looking at his hands on the table when he spoke. “He... he looked so weak and sick...”

“Jus, I... I am so sorry,” Ethan said sincerely, only knowing too well about all the stories from Gilead. Hell, he himself had flown Gilead and lost his former boyfriend to a concentration camp there. He knew what they did in those places and he felt for everyone who had to go through that.

“Will he be alright?”

“They think so, yeah.”

“That's good,” Ethan said, taking Justin's hand and giving it a squeeze. “How did they know to contact you?” He asked after a while of silence in which they each hung on to their own thoughts.

“He had a piece of paper with my name and phone number on him when they found him. That's why the hospital called me.”

“Your phone number?” Ethan frowned. “If he had your number, why didn't he call you before?”

“I don't know...,” Justin sighed, slowly raising his head to meet Ethan's worried gaze. “I... I don't know. I... I have no idea and as long as he's unconscious, I don't think we'll find out.”

Ethan nodded, realising that Justin was right. Brian was probably the only one who would have the answer to that. He gave Justin's hand another squeeze, before he spoke again, his voice showing how worried he was for his partner. “And you? Are you okay? How are you holding up?”

“I... I don't know,” Justin admitted. “I am confused and... I think I am still in shock...”

“Of course.”

“How do I tell Gus?” Justin raised his eyebrows in question.

“We will tell him the truth, Jus. He's old enough to understand.”

“He's twelve, Ethan. I don't understand. How is he supposed to understand that the father he thought was dead is not and is now here in the same city as he is?”

“Jus,” Ethan sighed, trying to put his thoughts into words. “Gus is a resilient kid. He's been through more than any kid should ever have gone through in life and he has always kicked back and come out of it stronger. He knows about Gilead, he knows why you fled and why it was just you and him when you made it to Toronto. You have always been honest with him, just continue like that and he will be fine.”

“I don't know...”

“Jus, we can't keep this from him. He deserves to know that Brian is alive,” Ethan argued, wanting to make sure that Justin understood that he would not stand for lying to the boy. Gus was not his son, but he had come to care a great deal about the boy who had come as a package deal with Justin and he had always been impressed by how astute he was and how well he had bounced back from whatever bad news he had received in his young life.

“I know... I fucking know, Ethan. I... I just don't know what to tell him,” Justin sighed, pulling his hand from Ethan's grasp and burying his head in his hands. “What... what if Brian... is not the same anymore? What... what if he's so traumatised by what happened in Gilead and...maybe we should just wait and see first.”

“Jus, don't! You know that Gus deserves to know. He has a right to know that his father is alive and... if any of your fears turn out to be true, we'll deal with it and will help him deal. He'll be fine, but he needs to know.”

After the longest time, Justin nodded. “I know,” he only whispered, before he took a deep breath. “This is not how I imagined my day to go, you know?” He said sadly, before he looked up again and met Ethan's eyes.

“Did you manage to finish the painting?” Ethan knew that Justin had wanted to finish a commission that day and had been quite excited about it getting finished.

Justin just shook his head. “No... I got the call pretty much the moment Gus left for school. And then... I headed straight for the hospital.”

“They will understand,” Ethan said, refering to the wealthy couple from Pittsburgh that had commissioned the painting, wanting to support an artist from their old home. They had bought several of Justin's pieces before and had become quite friendly with him over the last couple of years.

“I know, it's just that when I got up this morning, life seemed so easy, you know? Gus had school, you were at rehearsals, I was supposed to paint and now... everything's turned upside down and confusing and... I feel like I am in this hole and just keep falling and falling and there's no end in sight.”

“Jus...you'll be fine. You just need time to process that he's alive. Everyone would need that. I mean... I know how you grieved for him, I know how much you loved him. Of course you would be shaken by finding out that he is alive. It's only normal.”

Justin looked at Ethan and couldn't help but smile at his partner. “How can you be this understanding?”

“Because I can imagine what it must feel like for you. I know the pain and suffering and I guess... we have all wished at one point or another to be told that it wasn't true that they had died, but now, that it has happened for you, of course it's confusing. Your life went on. You moved on and now, he's here and...,” Ethan stopped, looking at Justin from calm, understanding eyes. “And you're feeling guilty for having moved on.”

“Ethan, I...”

“Jus, I would feel the same. You don't have to explain. Really, you don't.”

Justin hung his head, feeling bad that Ethan had been able to read him that easily. Because he had been right. Justin felt bad and guilty for having moved on. Yes, he had been told that Brian was dead and it had taken him a long time to move on from that, it wasn't like he had just jumped into the next man's bed, but now that Brian was alive and... had been in a Gilead concentration camp, how could Justin not feel guilty for having been happy with Ethan and Gus? For having had a good life with a loving partner and his former partner's son? How could he not feel fucking guilty for having been happy when Brian had been tortured and god knows what?

“I am sorry, I can't help it.”

“I know,” Ethan said quietly, looking at his partner from understanding eyes. “That's normal. I would be more worried if we would carry on as if nothing had happened and you wouldn't seem to care about Brian being alive.”

“Ethan, I love you,” Justin said sincerely, meeting his partner's eyes.

“I know, and I know that you love Brian, too. I have always known,” Ethan said with a small smile. “Just like I will always love you, but also love Sam.”

Sam had been Ethan's boyfriend in Gilead who had been killed when they had tried to flee to Canada six years ago.

“Don't feel bad about that, Jus. You are only human and he has been your partner for years. Of course you love him.”

“Then why does it feel wrong?”

Ethan shrugged. “That's just what you are telling yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving Brian and being happy about the news that he's alive. Like I said, I would be more worried if you didn't care.”

At that point they were interrupted by Gus and Daphne coming home from their movie outing.

Ethan gave Justin's hand one more encouraging squeeze, before he got up and welcomed them both. When he met Daphne's questioning gaze, he gave her a quick nod, indicating that he knew what was going on. She sighed quietly and nodded back at him, before her gaze turned to Justin and immediately became concerned.

“Hey, partner. How was your day? Did you have fun at the movies?” Ethan greeted Gus, trying to act as normal as he could.

“It was good. Daphne said that you and Jus were busy, so she took me to the movies. Is everything alright? I thought I would come home right after school?”

Gus' gaze went from Ethan to Justin, who was still sitting at the table, now being hugged by his best friend. When Gus saw the hug and the way Justin was leaning into it, he got the feeling that something was wrong. Daphne had been slightly off, less chatty and happy than usual, but he had just assumed that she might have been stressed because she had been called in to babysit him on such short notice. Now he couldn't help but wonder if maybe something else was going on.

As he looked back to Ethan, he saw the worried gaze he cast in Justin's direction and frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“Hey Gus,” Justin said, trying to sound as cheerful as he could. “Why don't you come and sit down with me?”

Justin nodded at the table and Gus slowly walked over and plopped down in one of the chairs.

“Are you alright?”

“I am... I think I am...It's just that something happened today, Gus and... I am not quite sure how to tell you.”

Gus looked confused and felt more confused when he saw Daphne leaning against the kitchen counter looking at them all from concerned eyes as Ethan made his way over to the kitchen table and sat down next to him, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“You're scaring me,” Gus said honestly, looking from one adult to the next.

“I am sorry, Gus. We don't mean to scare you,” Justin started, reaching out a hand to run through the boy's auburn hair that was so much like his father's.

“What is going on?” The boy asked once more, again looking from Justin to Ethan and back.

“Gus... I got a call this morning from a hospital here in town.”

“Is someone hurt? Who?” Gus immediately went through a list of people in his head and worried that something might have happened to them.

“Everyone is fine, Gus. No need to worry,” Ethan assured him immediately, seeing the worry on the boy's face and wanting to calm him down before he worried more than was necessary.

“But... why would the hospital call you then?”

“They found someone. Someone who had a piece of paper with my name and my phone number... someone who had fled from Gilead, Gus,” Justin told him quietly as he felt new tears come to his eyes.

“Gilead?” Gus' eyes widened and his voice sounded immediately scared. Gus could still remember some of his life in Gilead and how they had fled. He could still remember the night he had seen his Dad for the last time when he and Justin had fled to Canada and his Dad had stayed behind to make it possible for them to flee. He could still remember the stories Justin and Ethan had told him about his former home country and why they had all become refugees in Canada and most of all he could remember how his Dad had died when he had tried to flee Gilead four years ago. He didn't have any fond memories of Gilead and all that name did was bring back painful memories and an underlying sense of fear that he always felt when he heard it.

“Gus, your Dad... he's alive,” Justin whispered through his tears, looking at the small boy from pained eyes.

“N-no... he died... he's dead. You told me,” Gus immediately responded, before he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, he saw Daphne's sad face looking down at him.

“We all thought he was, Gus. We all believed what we had been told, but he is not. He's alive and he's here in Toronto...”

Gus couldn't believe it. He just shook his head over and over. His Dad alive? That couldn't be. He had been told his Dad had died. He had seen Justin break down at the memorial they had had for his Dad. He had seen how sad everyone had been that day. He knew that his Dad had died. Why were they telling him otherwise now?

“This is not funny... if you think it is, it's not,” Gus angrily exclaimed, looking at all of them from furious eyes.

“Gus, please,” Justin started, slowly getting up and coming over to give his surrogate son a hug. When Gus moved away from Justin's touch and avoided the hug, Justin continued speaking.

“It's not a joke, Gus. Until this morning I thought your father was dead. We all did. Everyone believed he had died, but... I have seen him. He's not dead. He managed to flee Gilead and he is here in Toronto now...”

“Then I want to see him,” Gus said, still glaring at the adults in the room.

“We can't right now, Gus. Hospital visiting hours are over for the day. I will take you tomorrow to see him. I promise,” Justin said seriously, kneeling down at Gus' side.

“I want to see my Dad,” Gus' angry voice replied, glaring at Justin as if it was his fault that hospital visiting hours were over.

“Hey, buddy. We know you do. We understand. We can't tonight though. Like Justin said, we'll take you to see him tomorrow. Promise!” Ethan said quietly, rejoining the conversation, seeing the pain in the small boy that he had come to care for so much.

“I want to see my DAD,” Gus repeated once more, this time yelling the word Dad at the people around him. “I WANT TO SEE MY FATHER!” He started screaming over and over again, before angry tears ran down his face.

Justin's heart broke when he saw Gus' reaction, knowing only too well how confused and heartbroken the little boy had to feel. He could still remember every single of Gus' tears after he had told him that Brian had died and he didn't need to stretch his imagination much to understand what the boy was going through. He was going through the same himself.

“Gus, please,” Justin whispered as he once more tried to engulf the boy in a hug. This time Gus didn't fight him and just allowed the hug. His screaming slowly stopped and turned into sobbing and crying and Justin just held on tightly as he held the small boy in his arms who was sobbing over and over that he wanted to see his father.

“I know, Gus. You can see him tomorrow. I promise,” Justin repeated over and over, making the same promise again and again until Gus started to quiet down in his arms. “Your Dad is sleeping now. He's been unconscious all day and he's very weak. He needs a lot of sleep to get his strength back.”

“Is he hurt?” Gus asked after a couple of minutes of silence in which he had just clung to Justin and had cried silently in his surrogate father's arm.

“The doctors don't seem to think so. They just think that he needs a lot of rest and good food to get his strength back, but Gus... remember what we talked about before? When people come here from Gilead... Most of them have made it through a very bad and hard time. Your Dad... he might not be as you remember him from before we left.”

Justin didn't know what had made him say that, but he just needed for Gus to know that Brian might not be the same person he had been before. Nobody knew what had happened to him in Gilead and what he had been through and only God knew of the trauma Brian might have had to endure. He needed Gus to be prepared for that.

“I don't care,” Gus replied quietly, still hiding his face in Justin's shoulder. “I just want to see my Daddy...”

Justin's heart broke at the small voice with which Gus had spoken and he could only hug the boy closer. “Tomorrow, I promise.”

After another hour of trying to console Gus and trying to talk him through what the next day might bring, they had finally gotten the boy into bed where he had fallen into a restless sleep. Justin had stayed at his bedside for several hours, just watching the boy, hanging on to his own thoughts, not noticing how both Ethan and Daphne had watched the pair of them with obvious worry from the doorway to Gus's room.

Neither of them knew what the next day would bring, but each one of them was acutely aware of how their lives had changed forever that day. They could only hope that they would make it through these changes in one piece. Only time would tell.