Chapter 23

Brian slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room in confusion. He could have sworn that Justin had been with him and that they had sex together here in Justin's guestroom. He could have sworn that he had fallen asleep in Justin's arms after their frantic coupling, but as he looked around, he was all alone in the bedroom and the younger man was nowhere to be found.

For a second Brian wondered if the sex had just been another dream, another cruel imagination his mind had come up with to torture him, to tease him with what he would never have again, but then his eyes settled on the small bottle of lube on the night table and everything came back to him. They had had sex and damn had it been good. He had never felt as complete and as at home as he had when he had finally slipped into that tight ass that he loved so much. He remembered how they had both come, overcome by emotions and even more so, he remembered falling asleep because for the first time in months, years even, he had felt completely relaxed and at peace. He had felt Justin's arms around him, had felt the blond holding him tight, had felt secure and cared for and that feeling had allowed him to drift off into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.

Yet here he was all alone. No sight of Justin anywhere. Brian slowly sat up and frowned when he saw the trash can close by. He leaned over and picked it up and wasn't surprised when he saw some tissues and a used condom inside. Justin must have cleaned him up after their lovemaking.

Brian looked down his naked body and yes, somebody had definitely cleaned him up. He was sure that he hadn't removed the condom on his own. He would be able to remember that and as much as he tried to remember, he couldn't even remember slipping out of Justin to begin with.

So where was the younger man now? Why was he not here with Brian?

Brian checked the alarm clock and noticed that it was barely 8am. Usually he was the morning person and Justin wasn't, so it made no sense that Justin would have woken up before him. Though what did Brian really know? It had been years since he had last slept with Justin and who knew? Maybe the man had turned into a morning person now that he was taking care of Gus who had to go to school every day and now that he had a job. Maybe things had changed. Like so many other things between them.

Knowing that he wouldn't find the answers he was looking for in the empty bedroom, Brian decided to get up and get ready for the day. As there was still a group of teenagers downstairs waiting for them to get them breakfast, Brian knew that wherever Justin had disappeared to, it couldn't be far.

Deciding to take a quick shower to freshen up, Brian jumped into the ensuite bathroom and got ready for the day.

As he made his way downstairs, he frowned when he could smell the delicious aroma of fresh coffee in the air. Apparently Justin had already made coffee.

Brian made his way into the kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he found the younger man sitting at the kitchen table, a large cup of coffee beside him, his head focused on the sketchpad in front of him. He was furiously drawing something and the pencil moved almost angrily all over the sketchpad.

“You're up early,” Brian said, announcing his presence which seemed to startle Justin who dropped his pencil and looked up at Brian from wide eyes.

Justin immediately closed the sketchpad, then took a deep breath before he focused on the cup of coffee in front of him.

“You know I've seen you draw my dick before,” Brian joked but stopped when he saw that Justin was avoiding his eyes and didn't seem to react at all.

He poured himself a cup of coffee as well, then moved over to the kitchen table, sitting down in the chair opposite of Justin's. He did a double-take when he saw how tired and exhausted the blond looked.

“Are you okay?”

“I am fine,” was the tight-lipped response he received.

“Did you get any sleep last night? You look like you haven't slept in weeks,” Brian sounded concerned as he noticed the rings under Justin's eyes and noticed how red his eyes looked. Almost as if he was bothered by his allergies... or had been crying.

“I am fine,” the younger man only repeated once more, sounding just as tight-lipped as before. He then took his sketchpad and got up from the table. “We should probably start with breakfast. I am sure the boys will be up soon.”

Brian noticed how the whole time Justin had been talking, he had been avoiding Brian's eyes and Brian wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

“Okay, I feel like I am missing something here. What's going on?”

“Nothing,” came the immediate response as Justin moved out of the room. Brian looked after him in confusion and wasn't quite sure what to make of Justin's weird behaviour.

When the blond returned a minute later, this time without his sketchpad, Brian felt like he deserved some better answers. “Okay, this whole blushing virgin act is so not your thing...”

Justin chose to ignore Brian's comment and went to the fridge, getting some eggs from it to start with scrambled eggs for the boys' breakfast.

“Hey, Justin! Earth to Justin. What the fuck is going on? Why are you acting like this?”

“Let's just get breakfast started, okay?” Justin said tiredly, focusing on the eggs and still not looking at Brian.

By now Brian felt like he had enough of Justin's weird behaviour and he walked over to make the young man look at him. “So we're not going to talk about last night?”

Brian felt like he had been slapped when he heard a cold laugh from Justin in response. “Last night? What about it? We had sex. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. End of story.”

Of course Brian recognised his own words from so many years ago. Words he had thrown into Justin's face when the young man had come back for more after their first night together. Only that those had been his words and Justin had never believed in them. Quite on the contrary, he had hated them and had hated that Brian had lived by them. Justin had always believed that emotions were a part of sex and he had never been able to separate sex from emotions like Brian had.

“End of story?” Brian frowned, not even trying to hide the hurt he felt at Justin's words. “And now you're giving me the cold shoulder?”

“Brian, we had sex. And it was good, but that's what it was. Sex. Now we don't have to make a bigger deal out of it than it was.”

Brian felt like he was caught in an episode of Twilight Zone where Justin had morphed into a younger version of the old Brian Kinney and was now throwing his best of back into his face.

“It wasn't just sex and you know it as well as I do,” Brian argued, but stopped talking when he heard Justin's response.

“I am sorry if it was more to you, but to me it was just sex. Let's not make this awkward, okay?”

“So this is it? You're now pretending to be me? This is not you, Justin. That has never been you...”

“And how would you know who I am? You don't know me anymore, Brian. So don't act like you do.”

With that parting shot Justin effectively turned back to the scrambled eggs and left Brian alone with his thoughts.

And damn, Brian would be lying if he didn't feel confused and most of all hurt by how Justin was giving him the cold shoulder this morning. No, he hadn't expected the roses and happy ending for them, but at least he had hoped that they would be able to have a normal conversation about what had happened between them the night before. Because something had happened. Brian knew it. As much as Justin wanted to pretend that it had just been sex for him, Brian knew that wasn't true. He had seen the emotions in the younger man's eyes. He had seen the tears, had heard how Justin had nearly begged for them to have sex and now this? It didn't make sense to Brian at all, but he knew better than to push for answers now. Gus and his friends would be up any minute now and it wouldn't do for them to find the adults in the house fighting about the sex they had had the night before.

The rest of the day Brian and Justin mostly tried to stay clear of each other and only spoke to each other when it was absolutely necessary. Brian had never felt as glad as he did that evening when he was finally able to leave Justin's house and return to his own apartment.

***

“Okay, explain it to me again,” Daphne urged, looking at her best friend as if he had just grown a second head. “You and Brian have sex and the next day you give him the cold shoulder and act like it had just been a one-night stand? When this is what you have wanted for months? Years even?”

“Look, I don't expect you to understand it,” Justin started, only to be immediately interrupted by his best friend.

“And I don't. It's absolutely crazy and makes no sense, Jus! And you used the very same words he told you after your first night together? Why?”

“Because I couldn't think of anything else to say,” Justin admitted weakly, hanging his own head. “It was the first thing that came to my mind, really.”

“Why say anything like that to begin with?” Daphne asked, shaking her head in disappointment. “You love him. This is what you wanted. Why say anything like that at all?”

Justin shrugged, not meeting her eyes.

“Oh no, Justin. You're not going to get away with a shrug. How could you? How could you do this to him?”

“After everything he's been through?” Justin supplied sarcastically.

“Yes!” Daphne looked beyond angry. “And what's with that tone of voice?”

“I know the spiel, okay? Poor, innocent Brian, evil Justin. How dare he hurt Brian after everything he has been through...? Can we, for a moment, please, remember that he's not the only one who has been through some shit? I've had for shit years as well, thinking he had died...”

“I can't believe you just said that.What is wrong with you?” Daphne angrily got up from her seat at the table and grabbed her purse, ready to storm out of Justin's kitchen.

“Daph,” Justin called behind her, running a hand over his face. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry? How can you say something like that? You know better than anyone what he has been through...”

“NO! I don't! And that's just it... I fucking don't,” Justin then cried, surprising both Daphne and himself with his little outburst.

“And you're never going to find out if you treat him like this,” Daphne said quietly, slowly moving back to the chair she had been sitting on earlier. “Why would he tell you anything if you treat him like this?”

“God, Daph. Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I get that this is hard for Brian, but... it's not easy for me either.”

“Well, right now, I just can't seem to get myself to feel sorry for you. And as your best friend that is saying a lot.”

“I just did what I had to do,” Justin said quietly, looking at his friend sadly.

“You needed to hurt Brian? For whatever reason?” Daphne asked, still looking beyond outraged.

Justin stayed quiet and just shook his head over and over again.

“Why?” Daphne pressed, then, when no reply came, stood up once again. “You know what? I never thought you could be this cruel to the man you claim to love. And I know that you love him. I know that you have loved him all these years. The moment he came back, I knew you were still in love with him and... I really can't understand why you would hurt him like this.” She shook her head, then made for the door. She stopped when she heard a voice hardly above a whisper.

“So he couldn't hurt me...”

“What?” She frowned, not sure if she had really heard something or had just imagined it.

“I couldn't have him hurt me,” Justin whispered once more, tears now running down his face.

“Jus, I love you, but that makes no sense. No sense at all!”

“I couldn't have him tell me to my face that it has been a mistake. I... couldn't have him say that it had meant nothing when it meant the world to me,” Justin pressed out, by now sobbing.

Daphne was torn between her anger and her friendship for the blond and in the end the friendship won over. She slowly made her way back to Justin and knelt down at her friend's side, taking the sobbing man into her arms. She tried to console him as best as she could and just held him tight as he cried for what felt like forever. When he finally calmed down, she sat down in the chair next to his, holding his hand in support.

“I don't understand,” she admitted honestly.

“I...I pressured him. I pressured him into sleeping with me that night. He had had a nightmare and his emotions had been raw from that and... I know I shouldn't have, but I just wanted to make him forget about that and wanted to make him feel better. So I urged him to let go of his thoughts and to just go along with it. To have sex with me. I don't think he would have done it if he hadn't been so emotionally raw from the nightmare and... I used him. I fucking used him, Daph.”

“Justin,” Daphne started, but Justin just shook his head and went right on.

“I knew that it was wrong. I knew it, but... I wanted him so much. I wanted it so much. I have missed him so much and... I just needed him. I needed him to make love to me and...,” Justin sniffed, wiping away the tears from his eyes as he turned towards Daphne and met her gaze. “It was perfect. It was everything I dreamed it would be. It felt so good. I felt so good. For the first time in God knows how long, I felt complete again and...,” Justin stopped then, not continuing.

“And what?” Daphne pressed, still not understanding completely.

“And I knew that he wouldn't feel the same about it once his mind was in the right place again,” Justin sighed, hanging his head.

“Justin, you don't know that.”

“Yes, I do. I know him and I knew that come the next day, he would be angry with me for using him like that. I knew that he would consider us having sex a big mistake and... maybe it was, but Daph, it felt so amazing. I couldn't have him talk badly about what was so important to me.”

“So you did instead?” Daphne frowned, still not sure she understood what Justin was trying to say.

“No, I just knew that I needed to give him a way out. A way out without diminishing what that night had meant to me.”

“So instead you diminished what it might have meant to him?”

“I know it didn't mean the same to him as it meant to me,” Justin sighed, his voice beyond sad.

“How would you know that? Did he say that?” Daphne asked.

“He didn't have to. He has known for months that I love him. He...he knows that I want him, but he hasn't acted on it at all. I know he's not interested in me. If he were, he would have done something months ago, but he hasn't. That night, he was emotionally raw and I gave him a way out. Sex has always been Brian's favourite form of pain management and I gave that to him.”

“All I am hearing are an awful lot of assumptions about Brian's feelings when you haven't asked him about his opinion at all,” Daphne pointed out, still not ready to let Justin off the hook.

“Daph, Brian has always been about actions, not words. If he still loved me, he would act on it. He would have done something by now, but... he hasn't...I told him that I love him, I told him that I want us to be together. He has known for months and nothing. Absolutely nothing!”

“Maybe he just needs more time...after everything...,” Daphne wondered, squeezing her friend's hand in hers. “Look, I might not know Brian as well as you do, but I know him well enough to know that he loves you. More than anything! That's the one thing I have always known about Brian Kinney. That he is head over heels in love with you.”

“That was a long time ago... He has changed, Daph.”

“So what? So have you!”

“He feels like a completely different person at times. He's so closed off and... I just want to help him, but he won't let me.”

“Maybe he's just trying to figure out his new role in your life and isn't sure of what his place is,” Daphne suggested, mulling over everything that Justin had said. “After all he has been getting very confusing signals from you...”

“What?”

“I mean, think about it. He has been your boyfriend, you have been raising his son together and then you got separated. He went through God knows what in Gilead and you... you went on and built a life for yourself here in Canada. A life that had no space for him. Your boyfriend? That role had been taken by Ethan while he was gone. Gus' father? That role has been taken by you and Ethan as well while he was gone. Maybe he just isn't sure where he fits into your life any longer? You haven't exactly made it easy for him to find that place.”

“But... if that were the case, Ethan has been gone for months. I broke up with him months ago,” Justin pointed out.

“And maybe he still didn't know how he would fit into your life. He has always been your saviour, your protector. He always had the money, the status. He took care of you and now you have your own life and don't need him anymore to protect you. Maybe the two of you just need to get to know each other again and need to figure out where your place in each other's life is.”

“I don't think he wants to be in my life,” Justin sighed sadly, shaking his head. “And I don't think he wants me in his life. He... he has told me nothing about what happened in Gilead after that night. He... he doesn't share anything with me and...I just don't think he wants a future with me.”

“Well, certainly not if you treat him like a random one-night stand that you have no feelings for,” Daphne said tersely. “Jus, you hurt him. Whatever you might tell yourself, you hurt him! Everyone could see it on his face that day after. Maybe...he just needed that night to really be sure that there was a place for him in your life. And then you come in and pull the rug from under him by making it seem like it was nothing more than a mistake.” She shook her head. “What if you did to him the very thing you were afraid of him doing to you?”

Justin frowned, thinking over what she had said, then shook his head. “I don't think so.”

“And you won't know for sure until you speak to him. You guys need to talk. That has always been your problem. Go and talk to him!”

“And if he doesn't have any feelings for me?” Justin asked, looking younger and more innocent than Daphne had ever seen him.

“Then you'll at least know for sure and can move on. This is hurting you as well, Justin. Right now you're both hurting and without talking to each other, I don't think either of you will be able to leave that hurt behind.”

Justin sighed, knowing deep down that Daphne was probably right. He needed to talk to Brian and even if Brian confirmed what he had been scared of for months now, at least there would finally be closure and they could both move on.