Chapter 28

In the coming weeks Brian and Justin tried to spend as much time together as they could without looking suspicious in front of Gus, their friends or Brian's employees. Justin would come by for quick lunch visits at the office or Brian would visit Justin at home whenever Gus was out of the house.

They quickly figured out ways to have a very healthy sex life and every once in a while when Gus stayed with one of his friends or that one week he had been on a class trip, they had even been able to fit in some overnight stays during which they had made the most of their time together.

It had soon become obvious that both Brian and Justin had been serious about giving their relationship another try and that sneaking around wasn't really what they wanted. They wanted more, they didn't want to hide and they wanted to spend as much time together as they could without having to worry that they would be caught. Not that what they were doing was bad or forbidden, but both had been aware that they needed to work things out between themselves first before they could let Gus know about their new relationship.

Which had finally led to the conversation they both knew they needed to have and had both dreaded for weeks. Only that they hadn' been able to run from it any longer. Gus had been on a week long class trip which Justin had basically spent living at Brian's apartment. The moment after they had said goodbye to Gus at his school, Justin had packed a bag and had made his way to Brian's apartment where he had stayed until it had been time to return to the school and pick up Gus on his return.

Justin smiled as he thought back to the last morning that he had spent in Brian's bed.

“Brian,” he giggled as Brian was nibbling on his ear playfully, wrapping his arms around Justin's waist and holding him tight. “Let me go...”

“Don't want to,” Brian whispered as he continued to nibble on Justin's earlobe playfully. “You taste so good...”

“Brian, I have to go. I need to get home and unpack before I head to the school to pick up Gus.”

“Stay,” Brian whispered as he moved back and made Justin lie back on his back, towering over the blond. “We can fit in one last round and then you can just head to the school with me. I can take you and Gus home then.”

Justin smiled as Brian's mouth moved down from his earlobe to his neck and then down his chest. “As tempting as that sounds, I don't want to explain to him why I have a bag full of clothes with me.”

“Clothes you didn't need by the way,” Brian pointed out as he gently bit Justin's left nipple, then moved to the right one and started teasing that one.

Justin gasped, liking what Brian was doing. This last week had been so good. They had mostly spent the week naked in bed, exploring each other's bodies in whatever way possible. They had only left the apartment for food and Brian had left twice for meetings at work that couldn't be postponed. Other than that, it had just been the two of them, the bed and lots of sex. Great sex, breathtaking sex. Sex that Justin would miss once he would return home and they would have to start sneaking around again. This week had been so great. They had been able to do what they wanted and get at it whenever they had felt like it. The freedom had been so great for both of them. Justin knew that it had been exactly what both he and Brian had needed.

“I didn't know that you would keep me in bed all the time I was here,” Justin replied, writhing under Brian's touch, trying to get away, knowing that he really needed a shower and then needed to get a move on.

“Bad judgement on your part, Sunshine,” Brian smirked, leaning up and looking at Justin's blue eyes. “How long have you known me?”

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right. “True,” he therefore agreed, leaning up to claim Brian's lips in a sensual kiss. “And I am not complaining. It was a great week.”

“Hmmm, it was,” Brian agreed, kissing the younger man some more.

Justin playfully shoved Brian away when the kissing stopped and they both tried to get their breathing back under control. “I really need to get going, Brian.”

Brian sighed, before he nodded in acceptance, knowing that Justin was probably right. He rolled back onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. “Alright.”

“You can come over later. You know? Dinner, spend the night...,” Justin waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making it clear what he was talking about.

“Back to sneaking around, huh?” Brian muttered and Justin frowned at the tone of his voice. Seconds ago it had all been playful, but now Brian sounded serious as hell.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, leaning over to look at the older man's hazel eyes which had clouded over. “Hey, talk to me.”

“It's nothing. You're right. We should get going if you don't want to be late to pick up Gus,” Brian said, moving to sit up and get up to leave the bed.

Justin frowned and reached a hand out to touch the older man's shoulder. “Hey, what's happening here?”

“We should get going. It wouldn't do to be late picking up Gus,” Brian replied, his voice now all matter of fact and no emotion. He slowly got up and started moving towards the bathroom.

Justin looked after him and played their conversation over in his head, trying to make sense of what was happening. He had a feeling that he knew what was going on, but he wasn't really sure, so his next statement was just a shot in the dark really.

“I don't want this to be over either. It's okay to say it.”

Brian stopped on his way to the bathroom, but didn't say anything. Justin felt like he had hit the nail on the head and slowly sat up as well, pulling the blanket around his body as if to protect it from the cold only that it wasn't really cold. He just needed the blanket for comfort at this point.

“You don't have to pretend that you don't care that the week is over. You don't have to be all cold and matter of fact about it. You can tell me the truth,” Justin started, his voice understanding and sincere. “I don't want it to be over either. I hate that we're going back to sneaking around come tonight... does admitting that make me any less of a man?”

Justin could see Brian's body tense, knowing that he had been right. He had always known that Brian had had problems admitting his feelings and emotions and had always acted like having feelings was a sign of weakness which to Justin was total bullshit. He knew where Brian's issues had come from and over the years he had gotten used to Brian being Brian. He knew that Brian had never been one for huge verbal declarations of love. Brian had never been one to bare his soul and reveal his emotions for anyone to see and Justin had accepted that, had known that it was just who Brian was and he had loved the man anyway, but he would be lying if he wasn't admitting that it hurt him that Brian wasn't even honest with him about his feelings. He would have thought that after everything they had been through by now, Brian would know that he could trust Justin not to make fun of his feelings and emotions.

“You think you're hiding your feelings so well, but... I know what you're feeling. I can see it in the way you behave. I can see it in how tense you are right now. I know what you're feeling even if you don't admit it to me, but...I wish that...I wish that you could. That you would know that you can trust me with your feelings and that I won't make fun of them or you for that matter... I wish that you would trust me enough to share with me what I share with you as well,” Justin said quietly, pulling the blanket even tighter.

There was an uncomfortable silence between them for the longest time, before Brian slowly turned around and met Justin's gaze. “I trust you,” he said and his voice spoke of the honesty of that statement. “It's not that.”

“Then what is it?” Justin asked, his voice speaking of his pain, frustration and also confusion.

Brian sighed, absentmindedly running his hands over his chest. “It's just not who I am,” he finally said, before he lowered his head.

“I know that you don't want me to leave and that you don't want to go back to sneaking around. I can see it and I can hear it in every word you say and don't say... but... we need to communicate. How are we supposed to make this work between us if you don't tell me what you're feeling? What if... what if there is something I can't read?”

“It doesn't matter,” Brian said, slowly moving back to the bed and sitting down on its edge. “This is not about me.”

“No, this is about us. And... us is two people. You and me! We both matter. This is not just about me being happy and me getting what I want. This is also about you. Your happiness, Brian!”

“I am happy,” Brian said quietly which made Justin move over and engulf the larger man in a hug from behind.

“You don't look very happy right now,” Justin pointed out, resting his chin on Brian's shoulder as his arms wrapped around Brian's upper body. “Tell me what's going on inside your head. Please.”

Justin left a small kiss on Brian's temple, just a small silent gesture to show Brian that he was here to listen.

“You don't want to know,” Brian muttered. “It's not important.”

“It's important to me. You are important to me!”

“It's not pretty,” Brian whispered after several minutes of silence in which he had obviously fought with himself to decide whether or not he should tell Justin the truth of what was going on in his head.

“I don't care. I love you. All of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. All of it,” Justin gave back, still holding the older man tight in his embrace.

“I don't want you to leave,” Brian said quietly and Justin nodded.

“I know... I don't want to leave either...”

“But it's not for the reason you might think,” Brian continued as if Justin hadn't spoken.

“Okay, what is the reason?”

“I mean... obviously the sex is great and having you here is nice and all, but... that's not why I want you to stay,” Brian admitted and Justin could feel how tense the man got under his embrace. He could feel the tension spread all through Brian's body.

“Why do you want me to stay?” Justin asked quietly, slowly moving to sit down next to Brian, taking his hand in his own and holding on tightly in support. He could see how hard it was for Brian to speak about this. Whatever this was.

“You keep the nightmares away,” Brian admitted, his voice hardly above a whisper.

Justin's heart broke for the man by his side and he held on tight to the hand in his own. He knew about Brian's nightmares, but Brian had told him that the shirt had been helping. That he had been doing better sleeping with one of Justin's worn shirts in bed with him. Justin could remember how embarrassed Brian had been when he had admitted to Justin that it seemed to be working and Justin had noticed the change in Brian afterwards. Had noticed how he had looked more rested and had looked like he was indeed sleeping more. So this confession surprised him a bit if he was honest.

“What about the shirt?” He asked, leaning closer to Brian.

“It's helping...but... it's not the same as having you here. It's... keeping them away most of the times, but...,” Brian sighed, “but not always. You always keep them away.”

Justin knew that Brian had never had a nightmare when they had spent the night together, but he had thought, maybe naively so, that the nightmares were gone completely now. He hadn't known that Brian still had them.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“And admit that I am a sissy that's afraid to go to bed alone?” Brian snorted derisively.

“Don't say that,” Justin immediately shot back, his voice angry. He turned to look at Brian, his eyes shooting daggers at the older man. “Is that what you thought of me? That I was a sissy?”

Justin pulled back, letting go of Brian's hand in his own. His face spoke of the hurt Brian's words had caused him.

“What? No!” Brian frowned, not quite sure why Justin would say that. “You know I didn't. You were so strong... you are the strongest person I know!”

“I am strong and you're a sissy? We're talking about the same thing here, Brian. That makes no sense...”

“You were young, barely an adult,” Brian started only to be interrupted by Justin right away.

“Don't make this about my age. My age had nothing to do with it. We both went through something very traumatic and … we both were plagued by the memories of it afterwards. You're not a sissy for having nightmares. After what you've been through... I would be a mess. And here you are... having a successful business, being a good father. You always do this, you know? You always put your own achievements down. And it hurts me. It fucking hurts me to see you do that. You should be proud of yourself, Brian! I am proud of you. So fucking proud, you have no idea! After what you've been through... the way you fought back... you say I am strong? Well, look into the fucking mirror, Brian. You are the strongest person I know. I just wish you could see it.”

Justin had gotten up and had started pacing the room, talking himself into a rage.

“You are so fucking strong and I am in awe of that strength day in and out. So what if you have nightmares every once in a while. That doesn't make you a sissy. Just like my nightmares didn't make me a sissy. I wish you wouldn't always put yourself down like that... I wish... I wish you could see what I see when I look at you and that you could see why I love you so much...”

He stopped pacing then and turned towards Brian. “You do know that I love you, right?”

Brian heard the insecurity and immediately cursed himself for having brought it to Justin's voice.

“Of course.”

“Then...you need to know that I love you no matter what. Nothing you could tell me about your feelings will change that. I... I need you to be honest with me, Brian. We can't do this if we're not honest with each other. I need you to tell me what you feel even if you think it might not be something I want to hear, even if you feel like it might make you seem weak, which I can promise you, you aren't. You are the strongest person I know and standing up for yourself and your own feelings won't change that.”

Justin then walked over to Brian's place on his bed and sat down next to him again. “Be honest with me, Brian. What do you want?”

“I don't want you to leave,” Brian admitted quietly, looking at Justin from pained eyes. “This week...It felt so good. I... I want to always feel like this. When... when you're not here...I don't feel complete, like a part of me is missing. I don't want to feel like that any longer,” he said quietly and when he was done speaking, he seemed surprised by himself for having said all he had said.

Justin smiled at him encouragingly, running his hand over Brian's thigh. “That's good, because I don't want to be without you either. You make me happy. Being with you makes me happy. This whole sneaking around thing... I know why we did it, but... it always makes me feel like we're doing something wrong... like we're back in Gilead and have to hide... which we don't have to. Not anymore. We're here, we're safe, we're still together... I want to embrace that, Brian. I want to be with you.”

Justin smiled when he saw a small smile break out on Brian's face. He reached out with his hand and gently traced the smile with his fingers. “I want to see you smile a lot more. You deserve to be happy, Brian. You deserve to get what you want. We deserve it.”

Brian nodded, knowing that Justin was right. Deep down he knew it, but still it was hard to admit to his feelings.

“So... now we have to figure out how to make that possible,” Justin said matter of factly, leaving a tender kiss on Brian's shoulder before he rested his head in that spot. “What do you want us to do?”

“Shouldn't we decide together?” Brian chuckled, knowing at least that much about relationships and compromising. “Last I looked you also had a say in this.”

“Yeah,” Justin chuckled as well,”but I know that if I go first and say first what I want, you will just go ahead and do it to make me happy. This is about making you happy as well, so I want to hear what you want us to do and then I'll tell you what I was thinking and we'll figure it out from there.”

Brian was ready to argue with that logic, but when Justin turned around and looked at him from stern eyes, he knew that he wouldn't be getting out of this one. Justin expected him to go first and he would have to go first. He realised that much.

“I... I want us to tell Gus. I don't want us to have to sneak around like we're doing something forbidden. He should know and I think we're also ready to tell him,” Brian started, encouraged by Justin nodding at him in agreement.

“I agree,” the younger man said, smiling a sunshine smile at Brian.

“And...,” Brian started, but then hesitated.

“You can tell me, Brian,” Justin said gently, trying to encourage the older man to continue.

“I want us to move in together. I am tired of not being able to spend time with you and always having to organise schedules and... I guess that would become easier once we tell Gus, but still... I don't want to be without you... Not if I don't have to be.”

Justin's smile widened, making his whole face shine. “Same here.”

“So... the question is...,” Brian started, hating that his voice sounded so insecure. Brian Kinney didn't do insecurity. He was confident, some even called it arrogant. So why was he so insecure all of a sudden? This was Justin he was talking to. The man he had literally trusted with his son's life and would trust with his own life without hesitation. Why couldn't he just say what he knew he wanted to say?

“Where?” Justin supplied, nodding in agreement.

“I guess the sensible thing would be for me to move into your house,” Brian started. “It's Gus' home. You have your studio there. It's bigger than this apartment.”

Justin frowned. He could hear Brian's words, but he knew that the man didn't mean them. “You hate the house,” he therefore stated, knowing that it was the truth. “Honesty, Brian. Remember?”

“I don't hate it,” the older man immediately defended, but Justin saw right through him.

“Fine, you don't like it.”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, then hung his head. “No, I don't.”

“It's okay, Brian. That's why we need to talk. I wouldn't want you to move into a house that you don't like. I wouldn't want you to compromise for my sake. This is why we need to talk.”

“It's your home. It's Gus' home,” Brian started, but was stopped by Justin with a gentle finger on his lips.

“But it isn't yours. I get it, Brian. I do...”

Knowing that he had promised Justin honesty, Brian knew that he needed to explain a bit more. He nodded, because Justin was right, it wasn't his home and it never would be, but probably not for the reason the man thought.

“It's not because of the style of the house,” Brian started, actually surprising Justin with that statement.

Justin had thought that Brian hated the house because it was a typical hetero family home. White picket fences, the whole conservative cliché that Brian hated so much. Brian loved modern designs, open floor spaces, the loft had been proof of that and the house was nothing like that. It was a cute little family home which was probably Brian's worst nightmare as far as homes were concerned.

When he saw the surprise on Justin's face, Brian continued. “I mean... I don't love it. It's not my style, but... I don't really care... If this is what you and Gus want, I don't care.”

“Then what is it?” Justin urged Brian to continue.

“It's the home that you and Ethan built. It's... I don't feel like I belong there... I don't feel like there is a place for me in that house.”

“Brian, that's not...,” Justin started, but then stopped. He had urged Brian to be honest and Brian had been honest. If this was how Brian was feeling about the house, who was Justin to tell him that his feelings were wrong? And on a certain level Justin could even understand what Brian was saying. The house had Justin's and Ethan's touch all over it. It had been the home they had created for Gus when they had thought Brian had been dead.

“I would feel like an intruder there,” Brian said quietly, before he hung his head.

Deep down Justin had known that Brian didn't like the house. Every time Gus was gone, Brian would ask Justin to stay with him at his apartment. He only came to the house when Gus was around and probably only because it was more convenient to do so, not because he really liked spending time at the house.

“I didn't know you felt that way,” Justin admitted, looking up at Brian. “Why didn't you tell me before?”

“It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean... there's not much we can change about it...”

“Well, I am sure we can. We just have to figure out how...Do you want us to move here?” Justin asked and was surprised when Brian shook his head right away.

“No,” Brian said, sounding absolutely sure. “This apartment is too small and there would be no studio space for you.”

“I can always rent a studio somewhere,” Justin pointed out.

“And have to leave the house when your muse strikes you in the middle of the night? Yeah, not going to work, Sunshine,” Brian argued, remembering very well at what weird hours of the night inspiration sometimes struck Justin. Brian knew that Justin had chosen the house with studio space, so he could paint whenever inspiration struck him and without having to worry about Gus being left on his own. Brian didn't want to take that away from Justin. He still wanted him to keep his studio space in his home so he could paint whenever he felt like it.

“So...what do we do?” The younger man asked, waiting for Brian to say the obvious.

“I want us to look for a place together. With Gus, if he wants to. It will be his home, too. It should be a place we all like and are comfortable with,” Brian said quietly and Justin smiled when he heard what Brian had said.

“Sounds perfect,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss Brian. “Sounds absolutely perfect!”

That had been the day when they had decided to find a new family home, a new house that would mark a new beginning for their family. Justin could still remember like it had only been yesterday and a wide smile spread on his face as he picked up the folders Brian had left earlier that morning when he had been by. Folders that had been sent to his office by their realtor with suggestions for places they might like. Justin couldn't wait to check them out and couldn't wait to show them to Gus and Brian later. He just couldn't wait to enter this new phase of their life together.