Chapter 3

After a night with very little sleep involved for everyone, Gus, Justin and Ethan had a silent breakfast in their kitchen the next morning. As they had promised Gus that he would be allowed to see his father that day, Ethan called the school and told them that Gus was sick and wouldn't be coming in for classes that day.

Normally, Justin and Ethan wouldn't allow Gus to skip classes, both of them always insisting on the importance of school and a good education, but everyone was acutely aware of how nothing about their situation was normal at all right then.

They had promised Gus that they would take him to see Brian and there was no way they could go back on that promise now. Under the current circumstances, missing a day in school was probably the least of their problems.

Once everyone was ready to leave for the hospital, Ethan hung back in the kitchen, cleaning up their plates and cups from their barely touched breakfast.

“Ethan, are you coming?” Justin asked as he put on his jacket, ready to grab the car keys from the counter.

“Jus,” Ethan started, looking at his partner of the last two years from serious eyes. “I don't think I should come along.”

“What?” Justin frowned, not having expected to hear those words out of Ethan's mouth. He had just assumed that Ethan would be coming along, woud be there to support him and Gus on this difficult day. “Why not?”

“I think it's important that you and Gus go on your own. This... Brian... he's your former partner and Gus' father. I think this is something the two of you need to do.”

“Ethan, I...,” Justin started, but wasn't quite sure what to say. He still felt too surprised by what Ethan had said.

“The two of you grieved for him together and made it through that difficult time together. I don't think I should be there when Gus sees his father again for the first time. I... don't think there should be any extra tension. It will already be hard enough without me there,” Ethan said quietly.

“But... I need you... We need you,” Justin stuttered, still trying to wrap his head around what Ethan was saying.

“And I will be here, waiting for you both when you get back,” Ethan promised, walking over and tenderly kissing Justin's lips. “I will be here, waiting for you to come back and will support you in any way I can, but... I think me being at the hospital will only cause more harm than good.”

“No, I mean...why would you think that?” Justin still felt confused, slowly understanding though what Ethan might be refering to.

“Justin, you and I both know what I am talking about. Brian is expected to wake up today. Don't you think that will be shocking and confusing enough on its own even without me there? How do you want to explain who I am? Is this really a conversation for the first day he wakes up and sees you and Gus again? God knows what he has been through to make it here... Shouldn't we... wait a bit before we drop that bomb on him as well?” Ethan explained his reasoning calmly, his gaze never breaking from Justin's, his hand caressing the blond's cheek the whole time he spoke.

“But,” Justin started, then closed his eyes and hung his head. He knew that Ethan was right. He knew that he couldn't just drop the bomb on Brian that he had a new partner, someone Gus considered as much a parental figure as he did Justin. “Fuck... This is all so messed up...,” the younger man sighed, only to be pulled into a crushing hug by his partner.

“I know that none of this is easy, but... we shouldn't make it harder than it needs to be. For now, I'll be here to support you and Gus in any way you need, but I think it will be easier for everyone if I don't show up at the hospital just yet, wouldn't you agree?”

“No... I mean... yeah, I guess. I guess I can see what you're saying, but... I am with you, Ethan. It is what it is and I love you,” Justin whispered. “I need you.”

“I love you, too. You know that I love both you and Gus, but... do we really need to shove it down Brian's throat like this? By me being in the hospital as well? Don't you think this is something that you and he should talk about first before he sees me and meets me?”

Justin pulled back from the hug and ran a hand through his blond hair. “Why does all of this feel so wrong all of a sudden?”

“Justin, you moved on. I am sure it's what Brian would have wanted for you and Gus. It's what happens after people receive traumatic news. They work through it and then finally start moving on. You did nothing wrong, we did nothing wrong. You thought that Brian was dead, you worked through your grief and moved on. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to blame yourself for, but... we don't even know what state Brian will be in. We can only imagine what he has been through in Gilead and on his way here. We should give him some more time to get to know your new life and reality. None of this needs to be dealt with on the first day he wakes up. That should be for him to see you and Gus and to realise that he has made it to a safe place. Everything else... it will come later when it's time,” Ethan reasoned and Justin knew deep down that the other man was right.

Ethan had a point. God knew what Brian had been through. God knew what Brian's mental state would be once he woke up. Seeing him and Gus would be more than enough for his first day waking up. Everything else could wait until the time came to tell him the truth about what their life in Canada was like now.

And even though he knew that Ethan was right and that he hadn't done anything wrong, it still felt so wrong to Justin. How was he supposed to tell Brian that unlike the promise he had made that fateful night he hadn't waited for him? That he had moved on and had found someone new. Someone he loved and who loved him and Gus. That they had built a life together. A happy life that didn't include Brian because they had thought Brian had been dead. And now he wasn't and their lives had just moved on while leaving Brian behind.

Justin felt so guilty as he imagined what all of this would look like to Brian once he found out. He knew that Brian would be hurt. Who wouldn't be? And the last thing that Justin ever wanted to do, after everything Brian had done for him and Gus that night, was to hurt him. And now he had probably hurt him more than anything without even knowing that he had hurt him.

God, this whole situation was so messed up. He wished it wasn't like this and that they could have just had the reunion he had dreamt of for the first year after he and Gus had arrived in Canada. When he had hoped and prayed that Brian would find a way out of Gilead as well and would make it to Canada as well to join them. But none of that had happened and then he had been informed by the resistance that Brian had died trying to flee Gilead. Only that he hadn't and was alive and in Toronto now.

Justin nodded slowly, finally having made sense of his thoughts, at least for the moment. “Okay... you'll be here when we get back?” He asked, wondering why his voice sounded so insecure all of a sudden.

“Of course. There's nowhere I'd rather be,” Ethan promised, before leaning in once more for a gentle kiss.

When the kiss ended, Justin smiled slightly at the older man, running a gentle hand through his dark locks. “Thanks. I know this can't be easy for you either and I appreciate your support. I really do.”

“I love you,” Ethan whispered, looking at Justin from loving eyes, his eyes shining that bit more when Justin returned the sentiment.

A few minutes later Justin and Gus left what had become their home and made their way to the hospital. Once they got there, they made their way down the corridors to what was Brian's room in complete silence, none of them really knowing what was there to say.

When they stood outside the door to Brian's room, Justin turned around and looked at Gus, who was tense and beyond nervous. His jaw was so tight, it almost looked painful to Justin.

“You okay, Gus?” Justin asked gently, resting a supportive hand on the boy's shoulder.

Gus only nodded, before he turned to look at Justin from glassy eyes. “I... I feel like this is a dream and I am so scared of waking up. I don't want to wake up.”

“It's not a dream, Gus. It's really true. And I am here with you, okay? You're not alone,” Justin said quietly, giving the boy's shoulder an encouraging squeeze before he slowly opened the door.

They quietly made their way into Brian's room and both of them were slightly disappointed to find Brian still asleep in his bed. Though maybe disappointed was not the right word. Justin wasn't really sure what he felt, because to some degree he also felt grateful for Brian not being conscious yet. At least that way they didn't have to talk and wouldn't have to talk about potentially painful topics. As long as Brian was just lying there, sleeping peacefully thanks to the drugs he had been given, everything was still okay and they were fine.

Gus stopped in his tracks when he recognised the form on the bed and realised that Justin and everyone else hadn't been lying. That was his father. His dad. The man he had thought had been dead was lying in a hospital bed just across the room and his chest was slowly rising and falling with the rhythm of his steady breaths.

Justin stopped when Gus stopped and turned to the boy by his side. “You okay, Gus?” He asked gently, looking at the boy in obvious concern.

“It's... it's... really him,” Gus whispered as if still not able to believe what he was seeing.

“It is. I know it's a shock, but it is him, Gus. It's your dad.”

They slowly continued their way to the bed and Justin watched carefully as Gus slowly stepped up to where Brian's head lay, drinking in the features of the father he had missed and mourned so much.

He watched as Gus gently ran his hand down Brian's cheek and through his hair, careful not to disturb the sleeping man, but needing to make sure that it was really him. Justin could understand that so well, he had done the same so many times the day before, needing to prove to himself that the man in the bed was really Brian.

“What happened to his face?” Gus asked quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper when his fingers stopped over a scar on Brian's left cheek that looked like it had been there for a long time already and then moved on to some fresh cuts and bruises on his forehead and nose.

“I don't know, Gus. Nobody knows. We can only guess that something must have happened in Gilead.”

“I hate Gilead,” Gus said angrily, once more tenderly caressing the scar on Brian's left cheek.

“I know,” Justin said solemnly. “We all do. It's a horrible place and it's a good thing that your dad has found a way out.”

“I am glad he's here. I am glad he's not dead, but here. I missed him so much,” Gus whispered, before new tears ran down his face and a sob wracked his small body.

Justin felt his own tears sting behind his eyes and knew that more tears would be coming soon, as he engulfed the small boy in a crushing hug. “I know...I missed him, too. You have no idea, Gus.”

They stayed like that for a long time, watching the slow rise and fall of Brian's chest in silence, before they were interrupted by Brian's doctor doing her rounds.

She led Justin to a corner of the room so they could talk without Gus hearing them and she told him that they expected Brian to wake up soon and that maybe, it would be better for Gus not to be there when Brian first woke up.

Justin agreed with her, knowing that as of now they would have no idea of the mental state Brian would be in. Nobody knew how traumatised he might be and it just wouldn't do for Gus to see Brian like that.

At least if they knew what they were dealing with, they would be able to prepare him for what he was about to see, but at this point, nobody knew and the last thing Justin wanted to do was to shock the poor boy even more.

Justin took Gus to the side and quietly explained to him what the doctor had said earlier, reminding Gus of what he had been told the night before, that they never knew how someone who had made it out of Gilead was really doing and that Brian might not be the same person he had been before.

The small boy objected and was ready to fight for his right to be at his father's side when he woke up, but in the end Justin put down his foot and insisted that Gus would not be present when Brian woke up. He promised him that he would be allowed to see Brian later, once they knew what they were dealing with, but that it would just be Justin and the doctor when Brian woke up.

It was obvious that Gus wasn't happy about this turn of events, but in the end he followed the nurse who took him down to the cafeteria to get some lunch for him while Justin and the doctor waited for Brian to wake up.

Justin felt slightly bad for kicking Gus out like that, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. One day Gus would understand that as well. And as he had promised the younger boy, he would be allowed to see Brian again, they just needed to know how Brian was doing first.

Sitting at Brian's bedside, watching how his eyelids fluttered and he became slightly more agitated by the minute, Justin knew that Brian waking up was only a matter of minutes. He looked at the doctor with a question in his eyes and when the doctor nodded her approval, he leaned over and took Brian's hand in his own, squeezing it gently, speaking quietly to the older man.

“Hey Brian...shhhh... it's okay. It's okay. You're safe. There is nothing to worry about. Shhhhh, calm down. Everything is alright. I am here,” he finished, giving Brian's hand in his another squeeze, not able to hide his smile when he felt the larger hand squeeze his back.

“Yeah, that's it. Wake up, sleepy-head. I've been waiting a long time to see your eyes again. Don't make me wait any longer,” he tried to joke, trying to sound as lighthearted as he could muster.

Brian's head turned in the direction where Justin's voice was coming from and Justin could see that Brian was fighting to wake up.

Taking his free hand and running it across Brian's forehead, Justin continued whispering. “I am here, Brian. It's okay. You're safe. Wake up. It's not a dream. You can wake up. I am here.”

He watched as Brian's mouth opened slowly at the same time as his eyes fluttered even more wildly, clearly fighting to be opened any second and a sob escaped him when he heard the first word that made it through those lips he had loved to kiss so much.

“S-sun-sh-ine,” the ragged voice whispered and Justin couldn't help the tears that ran down his face at hearing the name he hadn't heard in years from the man he had loved more than life itself and he had honestly never expected to hear that name from those lips ever again. But here he was and here he had heard it. The voice he had loved so much calling him with a name that had always been so special for them.

“Yeah, I am here. I am here, Brian. It's me. I am here.”

Justin couldn't help but gasp when hazel eyes slowly opened to reveal themselves and started focusing on where his voice was coming from.

It seemed like it was happening in slow motion, but suddenly their eyes met and both men felt the significance of that moment.

“Hey,” Justin tried to sound as cheerful as he could as he locked eyes with Brian's hazel ones, smiling at him through his tears that were now flowing unhindered. “There you are,” he whispered, not able to resist running a hand down Brian's cheek in a gentle caress.

Justin saw the moment Brian fully grasped his presence and that it was really him and wasn't surprised when he saw tears in those hazel eyes that had always been a window to Brian's soul. At least when you knew Brian and could see past the facade. He could easily see the disbelief and doubt in those eyes, so Justin gave Brian his best sunshine smile before he spoke again.

“It's me, Brian. I am here. And so are you. You are safe. You made it. You're safe and this is real. It's not a dream,” Justin promised, never breaking their connection with their eyes.

“Wh-ere?” Brian asked, never leaving Justin's eyes, hungrily drinking in the vision of the man in front of him. A man he had never thought he'd ever see again and now here he seemed to be. Right in front of him and he was telling him that he was safe. That they both were.

“Toronto,” Justin just replied, never letting go of Brian's hand in his and never stopping his caress of Brian's cheek. “You made it to Toronto and you found us.”

“Gus?” Brian asked, looking around the room, only seeing Justin and some woman he didn't know who was wearing what looked like hospital scrubs.

“He's here. He's just having some lunch. He will be back shortly and he can't wait to see you.”

Justin watched as Brian's eyes closed in what seemed to be relief and he could understand that so well. “It's okay. We're alright. You are alright. Everyone's safe,” Justin said once more, watching as Brian nodded, slowly starting to accept what Justin was saying.

At that point the doctor interrupted and told them that she would need to examine Brian further, now that he was conscious and would be able to give her some answers to some of the questions she had.

Justin saw immediately how Brian's body tensed up and he frowned at that reaction. “Shhhhh, it's okay. It's okay, Brian. She won't hurt you. She's here to help you.”

Brian's eyes opened slowly and Justin could easily see the fear in them which made him wonder what might have happened to the older man to cause a reaction like that. He didn't really want to think about it too much, knowing that he wouldn't like whatever answer he might come up with.

“I'll wait outside,” Justin offered, giving Brian a gentle smile and slowly pulling back from his place at Brian's side, totally not expecting what was happening next.

He felt his hand being held tightly, nearly crushed by Brian's bigger hand that was holding on to it and heard a fearful yet very forceful “NO” from the older man.

“Brian... it's okay. She's here to help you. You're safe,” Justin repeated once more, shocked by Brian's strong reaction to him leaving the room for the exam.

Brian just shook his head and repeated his “No” over and over again.

Not knowing what else to do, Justin turned to the doctor helplessly, looking to her for some advice. In the end the doctor nodded to him, indicating that he should stay as it would be best for Brian and for her to finish the exam.

“You can stay, if Mr. Kinney wants you to stay. That will be alright.”

“You hear, Brian? I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere, okay?” Justin said, looking at the older man in the bed who was still beyond tense and obviously scared.

The tension slowly started to leave Brian's body and after what felt like an eternity he finally nodded. “Okay,” he said in a very small voice that was so unfamiliar to Justin. Brian had always been strong, had always stood up for what he believed in and he just wasn't used to seeing Brian this scared and fearful. He didn't want to imagine what could have brought on this change in Brian.

The doctor continued with her exam and took Brian's vitals, asking him some questions about some bruises and scratches that he had.

Brian answered her slowly, as if wondering if he should or not, but with slight encouragement from Justin, he answered her and they got through the exam.