Chapter 5

“He might be sleeping, so we better be quiet,” Justin said as they reached the door to Brian's room. He watched as Gus looked at him seriously and nodded. Gus had gotten quieter and quieter the closer they had gotten to Brian's room and Justin wasn't quite sure why. He had seemed so excited to see his father just a few minutes ago.

“Gus, are you sure you're okay?” The older man asked, as he watched the young boy and saw how tense he looked and it wasn't hard to recognise the fear in his eyes as he looked back at Justin.

Gus only nodded once more, before he turned to look at the door instead of Justin and sighed deeply.

“Gus?” Justin asked once more, this time the worry clear to hear in his voice as he laid a hand on the boy's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You can tell me, you know?” He said gently, worrying about the boy at his side.

He wondered if maybe he had gone too far when he had told Gus about his fears for what might have happened to Brian in Gilead. Maybe he should have just kept quiet and shouldn't have bothered little Gus with it. Judging by the tension in Gus and by how scared he looked, Justin was sure he had made the wrong call and he cursed himself for it. All he had wanted, was to prepare the young boy for any outcomes, but now it seemed like he might have gone too far and might have scared him.

“I am sorry if what I said earlier scared you. I didn't mean to scare you. I-I shouldn't have said what I said in the cafeteria,” Justin sighed, pulling the small boy closer and cursing himself over and over for his lapse in judgement.

“I am not a child,” Gus just repeated quietly, still only staring ahead at the door.

“No, you're not, but... you're not an adult either and sometimes... sometimes you're so grown up that I forget that and... I should have stayed quiet. I didn't mean to scare you,” Justin repeated gently, before he made Gus turn and look at him.

“I am sorry, Gus. Just tell me what's going on in your head, okay? I am here to help you and support you and let me fix my mistake, okay?”

“Wh-what if he hates me now?” Gus whispered, his voice hardly audible over the normal hospital noises all around them.

Justin couldn't help but gasp when he looked at Gus and saw the pain in his eyes. “Gus?”

“What... what if he blames me?”

“Gus, no. Don't think that! Don't even go there. Your father loves you very much. More than anything in life.”

“But... you said that... they might have punished him because he tried to get away and... whatever they did to him... they did to him because of us... because of me. You said... he made a choice to sacrifice himself, so that I would be safe... that he did it to make sure I would be safe, but... what if he now hates me? Because whatever happened to him happened because of me...”

Justin listened to Gus' words and his heart broke for the small boy and he cursed himself even more and felt even worse than he had a minute ago. He should have just kept quiet. He shouldn't have said anything. Now he had made it so much worse for Gus. God, he had really messed up and it was his fault that Gus was now blaming himself for whatever might have happened to Brian.

“Gus,” Justin started, his voice broken, as he spoke.

“I...I want to see him, but what if...I look at him and all I'll see is hatred... what if he hates me now?”

Tears ran down Justin's cheek as he listened to Gus' heartbreaking statement and watched the first tears on the young boy's face.

“Oh Gus,” Justin sighed, pulling the boy close and hugging him tight. “Don't ever think that. Not for a second. Your father loves you. He loves you more than anything and he could never hate you. Never! None of what happened is your fault. You are not to blame, Gus. Don't go there. Please, don't!”

“What if he has changed... what if he is not the same anymore and now doesn't love me anymore?” By now Gus was sobbing and all Justin could do was hold the boy tighter.

“Gus, you couldn't be further from the truth,” Justin whispered into the boy's auburn hair as he still held him tight. “When I spoke to your father earlier, he was so worried about you. He was so relieved when I told him that you were fine. He loves you with all his heart!”

“But what if he doesn't anymore?” Gus asked in a teary, pained voice.

“Gus, don't even think that for a second. He loves you. I know that he does. He will be so excited to see you. He loves you with all his heart and I am sorry if what I said made you doubt that because it couldn't be further from the truth. Your father loves you, it's the one thing that will never change, you hear me?”

They continued holding each other for several minutes, before Gus slowly calmed down and pulled back from Justin's embrace. “I missed him and... I am so scared he won't love me anymore.”

“That could never happen. He will always love you, just like I will always love you. Never worry about that, Gus! Whatever happened, whatever decisions we made...they were made out of love and that love, it will never go. It will always be with us and connect us, you hear me? There is no way your dad or I couldn't love you. It's not possible. We will always love you, always.”

“Promise?” Gus asked in a small voice that tore at Justin's heartstrings.

“I promise,” the blond smiled, as he hugged the boy once more.

When he was sure that Gus had calmed down, he ran a hand through the boy's hair and smiled at him encouragingly.

“It will be alright. I promise. And I'll be with you the whole time, okay?”

Gus looked at Justin as if to gauge the honesty of his words, before he nodded.

“And if you don't want to do this today, it will be okay. There's no rush. Your dad is here now and he's safe and you will not get separated again. I promise!”

Gus nodded, then squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. “I think... I want to see him now.”

“Alright,” Justin nodded, giving Gus' shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I know that he will be so excited and relieved to see you. I am sorry that I scared you earlier, Gus. I didn't mean to.”

“Step by step, one step at a time, right?” Gus asked, repeating Justin's earlier words from their previous conversation.

“Yeah,” Justin affirmed. “And if we misstep, we'll figure it out together and find our way together.”

“Together,” Gus agreed, before giving his surrogate father another hug. “I am sorry for being so scared and overreacting.”

“Gus, you didn't overreact. If I were you... God... You have no idea what a mess I would be. I mean... I am a mess right now, so... you're doing pretty okay compared to me. I am the one that caused you to be this scared and I am the one that's sorry. I am, Gus. I am really sorry.”

“Jus?”

Justin looked at Gus and nodded, indicating that he was listening.

“Can we stop the blame game now and go and see Dad? I think... I think I really want to see him,” Gus whispered and Justin couldn't help but laugh at the first part of Gus' statement. He really was his father's son, there was no doubt about it.

“Yeah, let's go and see your Dad,” Justin agreed, before he turned towards the door and slowly opened it, stepping inside, holding Gus' hand as the young boy followed right behind him.

It looked as if Brian was sleeping, his chest rising and falling rhythmically.

Justin gave Gus' hand a supportive squeeze as they made their way to the bed and sat down on the two chairs next to it. Justin immediately took Brian's hand in his and couldn't help but smile when he saw Brian's eyes flutter open slowly, focusing on Justin's face by his side.

“Hey... we thought you might be sleeping. We didn't mean to wake you,” Justin said quietly as Brian was slowly waking up and taking in the situation in his room.

“S-alright,” Brian replied, his voice still heavy with sleep and exhaustion. “Must have dozed off.” His gaze then wandered from Justin's face to the other person in the room and he gasped when he recognised who was sitting in the chair next to Justin's. “G-Gus?”

“Hi Dad,” Gus said as bravely as he could muster, looking at his father from wide, disbelieving eyes.

“Gus? Oh my God... it's really you? You're....you're so grown up...” Brian whispered as he took in Gus' features and couldn't believe that this was the same small boy he had last seen on that fateful night so many years ago. Only that the boy in front of him was not a small boy anymore, but was now almost a teenager. Gus had grown up and was tall and lanky like he had been, with the same auburn hair and hazel eyes that he had. If people had thought before that Gus had looked like a miniature version of himself, now there was no doubt. Gus had grown into a teenage version of his younger self.

“It's me, Dad,” Gus whispered, as he leaned in and smiled at his father. He felt emotional and couldn't help the tears that fell from his eyes once more.

When Brian opened his arms, Gus didn't hesitate for a second and immediately jumped off his chair and into Brian's waiting arms, allowing his father to hug him for the first time in more than five years.

“Oh Gus...,” Brian whispered over and over as he held his son tight who was crying in his arms. He ran his hands all over Gus' face, through his hair and couldn't stop looking at his son who had changed so much since he had last seen him.

“Dad,” Gus sobbed in Brian's arms, holding on to every piece of Brian that he could grab, as if he would disappear any second if Gus didn't hold on tight enough.

Justin watched the reunion with tears in his own eyes, not able to hide the emotions he felt when father and son were finally reunited for the first time in five years.

“Are you okay, Gus? Are you? Please, tell me you're okay. I was so worried...so worried,” Brian said through his tears, still holding the boy tight, afraid to let go of him as if that would wake him up from a dream, afraid that everything around him would disappear.

“He's fine, Brian. We're both fine. All of us are fine now,” Justin replied, giving Brian's shoulder a gentle squeeze. “We're all safe.”

“I missed you, Dad... so much... I love you!” Gus cried in his father's arms and Brian only held him tighter, not caring that his own tears ran freely. It was only Justin and Gus who would see them and he didn't care that they would see him cry. He had worried about them so much, had been so scared for their safety. Knowing that they were safe, that they had made it and were doing okay, it made everything in the last five years worth it. Whatever had happened in Gilead didn't matter anymore because he knew that it had been worth it. Gus and Justin were safe. It was all that mattered.

“I love you, sonny boy. God, I love you. I was so worried... so worried...”

Brian's eyes then turned to Justin's and when their gazes met, Brian repeated his words. “I was so worried...”

Justin could see the emotion in Brian's eyes and put on his most encouraging smile. “We're okay, Brian. We've been fine.”

Justin leaned in, still smiling through his tears and ran his hand through Brian's auburn hair. “You can stop worrying now, Brian. We're fine. You made sure we were fine,” Justin got out, before his voice broke and more tears burst from his eyes.

“So worried,” Brian repeated over and over, never letting go of Gus while his gaze was still focused on Justin. Their eyes were locked and they had their own silent conversation that didn't need any words.

“We're good, Dad,” Gus whispered, before he slowly pulled back from Brian's hug, allowing his father's arms to still hold on to him and never letting go of him completely as their eyes met. “Are you okay?”

Brian nodded through his tears, his eyes wandering from Gus to Justin and back. “I am now,” he finally said after the longest time, before a sob wrecked his body and he started crying uncontrollably.

“Dad?” Gus asked worriedly, never having seen his father like this.

“It's okay, Gus. Just give him a minute,” Justin said gently, as he turned from Gus to Brian. “It's okay... you can let it all go now,” Justin whispered, gently wiping Brian's tears from his cheeks, before they were immediately replaced by new ones.

Over and over Justin repeated that they were all fine and safe now, that they were all okay and Brian cried for several minutes, before his tears started to get less and his sobs slowly stopped.

“Is he okay?” Gus asked, the concern easy to hear in his voice.

“Yeah, it's just a bit much. We're all very emotional right now, Gus and your Dad is no exception,” Justin tried to explain, able to understand Brian's emotional turmoil. He could understand how worried Brian must have been for years, not knowing if they had made it out of Gilead that night or not, not knowing if they were okay or not and now finding out that they were safe, had to feel like the biggest relief ever. Justin didn't blame him for his emotions being all over the place, he knew that he was an emotional mess and had been ever since he had received the call from the hospital and Brian had been through so much more and worse than he and Gus had been through, so of course his emotions would be all over the place as well.

It took several minutes before Brian calmed down and when he did, he couldn't stop looking from Gus to Justin and back. He couldn't believe that they were safe and okay, but Justin had said so repeatedly and they both looked fine. They both looked fine and were here with him. They were finally reunited and fine. He had never felt a bigger relief in his life than he felt now.

“I am sorry,” Brian started once he was calm enough to speak again.

“Don't,” Justin immediately interrupted him. “There is nothing to apologise for. We're all a mess right now. After everything... we're allowed some tears.”

Their eyes met and had a silent conversation for the longest time, before Brian finally nodded in defeat. “I missed you so much. Both of you.”

“Not as much as we missed you,” Justin whispered, knowing that it was true. They had thought that Brian was dead, had said goodbye to him and to any chance of ever seeing him again. They had long ago buried any hope of ever being reunited and now here they were. Together and well.

“I am so glad you're here, Dad,” Gus whispered, still being held by Brian's arms and he couldn't help but smile when his father looked down at him and smiled at him.

“Me too, sonny boy. You have no idea.”

There would be more time for conversations about what had happened to each of them in the last five years, there would be time for catching up and making plans, but none of that mattered now. Now it was just about being together and knowing that they were all fine and safe. For the moment that was all that mattered.

Justin smiled as he watched Brian and Gus hug once more. He knew that there would be some painful conversations ahead. He knew that there were things they would have to talk about, but there would be time for all of that and that time was not now. Now was about reconnecting and basking in the knowledge that they were all safe in Canada. Everything else could wait for another day!