Chapter 6

“Are you okay? You've been very quiet ever since you came back from the hospital,” Ethan said, as he sat down next to Justin who had been sitting on their porch for the last thirty minutes, just staring at their backyard, obviously deep in thought.

“I am not sure,” Justin shrugged, before he turned towards his partner and gave him a sad smile. “I messed up today. Really badly,” he sighed, before he hid his face in his hands.

As promised, Ethan had been there when Gus and Justin had returned home from the hospital. He had waited for them with a home-cooked meal and had suggested that they have a movie night. Thankfully, he had chosen some comedy, knowing that they could all do with some mindless fun.

It had been just what he and Gus had needed after their emotional day at the hospital and Justin had been beyond grateful, even though he knew that he hadn't really shown it so far. He had been too preoccupied with his own thoughts to really express the gratitude he had felt. He just hoped that Ethan would know how much it had meant to both him and Gus to come home to the comfort that Ethan had provided for both of them.

“Why? What happened?” Ethan asked quietly, gently running a hand up and down Justin's thigh.

Justin stayed quiet for the longest time, before he took a deep breath and started talking.

“I got Gus so scared of seeing Brian. I made him think that Brian hated him and... God, I really fucked up, Ethan...”

“But Gus seemed fine earlier,” Ethan pointed out, not really sure he understood what Justin was refering to. Yes, Gus had been emotional and obviously preoccupied with his own thoughts as well, but Ethan had expected nothing less after the day he had had. The boy hadn't seemed shaken too much, quite on the contrary, he had been so excited about seeing his father, he had hardly been able to stop himself from telling Ethan over and over again how he couldn't wait to go and see his father again the next day.

“Yeah, I guess so, but still...,” Justin sighed, running his hand through his blond hair. “If Brian hadn't been so happy about seeing him, it could have been a real mess.”

“I am not sure I understand. Why wouldn't Brian be happy to see him? And why would Gus think that his father would hate him?”

“I...,” Justin started, but then stopped, not quite sure how to continue. “Gus was angry with me earlier. The doctor and I agreed that Gus shouldn't be present when Brian first woke up because... well... nobody knew what condition he would be in and what he would be like...”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Gus didn't like it one bit though. He was really angry with me and... I don't know, I just wanted for him to understand my reasons. I wanted him to understand that maybe Brian wouldn't be like the father he remembered and not like he had been before we left Gilead.”

“Okay,” Ethan said slowly, looking at Justin expectantly, urging him to continue.

“So, after Brian had first woken up and... we knew that he was okay or... as okay as he could be, we decided that it might be best for him to see Gus. So I went and picked up Gus from the cafeteria where one of the nurses had taken him to wait while the doctor and I were with Brian.”

“Jus, I am not sure I understand what you're saying here. All of this sounds very sensible,” Ethan commented.

“Only that when I picked up Gus... I told him that Brian might have suffered through some really bad things in Gilead after we made it out. That... they would have punished him and blamed him for us getting away,” Justin finished quietly.

“Jus, what? Why would you say that to him?” Ethan stared at Justin, not sure he understood why his partner would say something like that to a small boy like Gus.

“I wanted him to be prepared in case Brian behaved differently than he expected. In case Brian wouldn't behave the way he had with Gus before. I wanted him to understand that it had nothing to do with him, but with what Brian might have gone through. I know... I fucking know I shouldn't have said it like that and God, you have no idea how much I've beaten myself up about it all day afterwards... I just thought that honesty was the best way to go and... we don't know how traumatised Brian might be and I wanted him to be prepared. God, Ethan. He's so grown up most of the time, but I forgot that really he's just a small kid that missed his father and longed to be reunited with his father,” Justin stopped, turning to look at Ethan. “I wanted him to be prepared, but all I did was scare him senseless. He blamed himself for whatever might have happened to Brian in Gilead and...he thought that Brian would blame him as well. He was so scared that Brian would hate him because we had gotten away and he hadn't, because Brian had sacrificed himself and stayed behind, so Gus and I would be safe.”

“Jus,” Ethan sighed, his voice sounding more understanding than Justin had expected.

“I know I fucked up. I fucking know. It's my fault that Gus thought his father might hate him. I got him so scared, he was crying. I made him cry and... all I wanted was for him to be prepared in case he would be disappointed by Brian's behaviour. I... tend to forget how young he still is. He's already been through so much and acts so grown up at times. I forgot that he's just a small child that desperately wanted his father's love.”

“You didn't mean to hurt him. You had good intentions,” Ethan said quietly, giving Justin's thigh a squeeze.

“And we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

“Jus, stop it!”

“I hurt him and... I didn't mean to, but I did.”

“Justin, calm down. Please! You're beating yourself up about something that is not your fault,” Ethan tried to argue, but only got interrupted by Justin right away.

“Of course it's my fault! I am the one that hurt him by saying those things to him.”

“And you did so because you thought it was the right thing to do,” Ethan replied calmly. “This situation that you and Gus now find yourself in... it's complicated. Hell, it's beyond complicated. No one could have expected Brian to ever show up again, but now here he is and you are just trying to do the right thing, but there is no handbook to follow, there are no rules to follow. You... we...all of us will just have to try to make the right decisions and if we happen to make the wrong decisions every once in a while, who can blame us? It's an impossible situation that no one could have prepared us for. All we can try to do is navigate this as well as we can and if we end up making a wrong decision every once in a while, then it is what it is and all we can hope to do is to learn from it and do better the next time.”

Ethan put an arm around Justin's shoulder and pulled him closer. “You tried to do the right in an impossible situation and it turned out to be the wrong thing. That doesn't mean that you did it on purpose or that you're to blame. It happened and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. Gus seemed fine earlier, happy about how the meeting with Brian had gone. He can't wait to go in again tomorrow and see him again. Whatever damage you think you might have caused, I am sure Gus has already forgotten about it. He's too excited to have his father back. He is fine, Jus.”

“Do you really think so?” Justin asked, his voice hardly above a whisper and sounding unsure.

“I know so,” Ethan said, giving his partner's shoulder a squeeze. “You have done an incredible job raising Gus in recent years. He's a strong boy who seems to make it past whatever life throws his way. Just look at everything he has already been through in his young life and look at how well he's doing? He's happy, Jus. He's a good student, he has friends, he loves you and me. He's happy and it's all because of how you guided him through the turmoil his life has become after Gilead. You did that, Jus! So what if you made one wrong decision today. You made hundreds of good ones before!”

“I hope you're right,” Justin whispered, resting his head on Ethan's shoulder. “God knows I am in way over my head. I have no idea what to do. Everything is so complicated and messed up.”

“You'll be fine. You, Gus. You'll both be fine. Just take it one step at a time and if one of those turns out to be a misstep, take another step forward and try to do better. It's all we can do.”

Justin nodded, enjoying his partner's embrace, hanging on to his own thoughts and thinking about what Ethan had said. Once again he had been there and had given him the support he needed even though this had to be a very uncomfortable situation for him as well. How could it not be? Justin knew that he would feel weird if they suddenly found out that Ethan's former partner was still alive and in Toronto. If their roles were reversed, Justin knew he would feel weird about it and here Ethan was supporting him and Gus along the way. Just like he had always supported them.

“Thanks,” Justin said sincerely, resting his hand on Ethan's thigh and giving it a squeeze. “I know this must be hard on you as well and... God, I know that I should be more considerate of that.”

“Shhh, don't worry about me. I am fine. I know that none of you asked for this and... it might be weird, but really? More than anything I am just happy for Gus. I know how much he has missed Brian and I am sure it will be good for him to be reunited with his father.”

“I just...I have no idea how to go on from here. What does this mean for us? For Gus? Will he go and live with Brian now? I mean... of course Brian is his father, but... I love him and I've raised him and... this is his home. We are his family.”

“And we'll always be. You're jumping ten steps ahead, Jus. Don't worry about any of that now. For now... you and Gus should just enjoy that Brian is alive and Gus and Brian should get a chance to reconnect. Everything else... it will be figured out when it's time.”

“But... what if Brian thinks... I mean... I haven't even told him about you and... fuck, I mean I didn't mean not to tell him it just seemed...,” Justin started rambling only to be interrupted by his partner with a small chuckle.

“Oh Jus, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath,” Ethan said, gently rubbing his hand over his partner's back. “He just woke up today. It wouldn't have been the right time. Today was about you and Gus and him being together again and realising that. Everything else... it will come in time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after. I am sure you'll know when it's the right time to tell him. And I am sure you'll also know when it's the right time to figure out what will happen between you two concerning Gus. Right now Brian is in hospital, just having woken up from whatever ordeal he has been through. Do you really think he's already making plans for Gus' or your future?”

Justin nodded, knowing that Ethan was right and he was thinking too far ahead. As Ethan said, today had been the first day Brian had woken up and there would be a time when they would talk about everything, but that time had not been that day. Ethan was right about that.

“I don't know what I would do without you,” Justin said sincerely as he lifted his head and left a gentle kiss on Ethan's throat. He then moved around and gave his partner a deep, sensual kiss. “I love you, I want you to know that.”

“I do,” Ethan smiled, before he kissed Justin back. He knew that the future would hold many surprises and open questions, but for now, all that mattered was their love for each other and for Gus. Everything else would be figured out in time.

***

“Brian, I think they're coming. What do we do?” Justin's voice was full of panic and his eyes were widened in the same panic. “What if they catch us?”

He looked over to where Brian was holding a crying Gus, holding the boy in his arms, pressing his small head into his chest as if to shield him from the outside world.

Justin could see the same panic that he felt inside himself on Brian's face, knowing fully well that Brian had also realised that they had been found and were close to being captured.

They had left Pittsburgh the day before and had made their way north with the false papers that Brian had bought for a ridiculously huge amount of money from traffickers in Pittsburgh. The papers had gotten them out of Pittsburgh and to Buffalo, allowing them to pass all checkpoints up north. The closer they had gotten to Buffalo and the Canadian border, the more checkpoints there had been.

Gilead didn't allow its citizens to leave the country unless approved and nowadays nobody got approval. Many people tried to flee, but the more people had fled north to Canada, the more troops Gilead had stationed along the border, trying to stop people from fleeing north.

The papers had done the trick and had gotten them all the way to the Black Rock neighbourhood of Buffalo. From there, they had made it to Unity Island in the midst of the night, hoping to catch a boat to the Canadian bank of the Niagara river. Only that the boat that they had been promised would be there waiting for them, was nowhere to be seen and from the sounds of the dogs barking in the distance, they now had been found out in their flight attempt by the authorities.

The punishment for trying to flee from Gilead, which the authorities in Gilead called deserting, was death. If you were lucky and had friends in high circles, you might get away with your life, but would end up in one of the infamous Gilead concentration camps. The jury was still out on which of the two was actually the worse punishment, seeing how torture, forced labour and random punishments were normal in those camps.

The threat of the punishments had been the one reason why Brian and Justin had stayed in Gilead for as long as they had. Many of their friends and families had already fled the country before, had left months or even years ago, but Brian and Justin had always stayed. They had Gus to consider and knew that it was too high a risk to take when they were responsible for Brian's son and his wellbeing.

Somehow they had always thought that things couldn't get much worse and that they would just have to sit it out until it was over and life in the former United States of America would return to normal. After all, it had to, right? How could such a small minority of religious jerks keep the majority of normal, liberal thinking people in such a big country under control for much longer?

Both Justin and Brian had been involved in the resistance and had done their piece working against the government and they knew how big the resistance against the Gilead regime was. To them it was only a matter of time before people would rise up and throw down this regime. Only that month after month, year after year, new law after new law had passed and nothing had changed.

And when a law had been introduced that would allow the government to take away the children from people that they considered undesirable to Gilead's society and to have those children be raised in families that were hardcore supporters of the government, they had known that they could wait no longer.

Being homosexual, they had been blacklisted and discriminated against for years. Gus hadn't been allowed an education because he was the child of an undesirable, as Brian had been called because he was a homosexual and both Brian and Justin had been banned from working in gainful employment. Being homosexuals they were undesirables that Gilead wanted to get rid off and what better way than to put them in poverty by not allowing them to work or get an education?

Thankfully, Brian had always been well off and his money had saved them for the longest time. Also some of his former business contacts had proven extremely helpful, but all in all, the last two years had been incredibly hard on all of them.

And now, with the threat of Gus being taken away from them hanging over their head, it had been enough. Brian and Justin knew that they needed to get out because there was no chance in hell that they would allow that regime to get its hands on Gus.

They had made the decision to flee to Canada like so many people before them and had used their last savings to pay the traffickers to get them out.

Gus had been beyond scared when he had finally realised what was going on earlier that night when they had made their way towards the island under the cover of night.

Both Brian and Justin had been nervous, scared and full of panic as well, but had tried to hide it as well as they could from Gus. Only that now that there seemed to be no boat to pick them up and they could hear Gilead patrols on their heels, they couldn't hide their panic from Gus any longer.

The poor boy had been crying for what felt like hours now in Brian's arms and if both Brian and Justin hadn't been so scared for their own lives, they would have worried about him more, but for now, they could just urge him to be quiet and could hope for the best.

“They will not catch us. I will not allow it,” Brian hissed, looking at Justin from eyes full of panic that betrayed his real emotions.

“Brian, they're getting closer,” Justin whispered as he could hear the dogs coming closer. “There is no boat. We're lost.” Justin felt panic and despair take over and wondered what would happen to them once they had been caught. They would never see Gus again, he knew that much, but what about him and Brian? Would they be separated as well? Most likely.

“They will not catch us,” Brian only repeated, urging Justin to walk closer to the little cliff that was about 10feet above the Niagara river.

When they made it to the cliff, he looked down, then looked around and finally nodded. Justin could see the nod and could also see how Brian's shoulders suddenly relaxed as if he had come to a decision and felt the weight of that decision lifted from them. Justin didn't like that one bit. He didn't know why, but he didn't like it.

“Brian?” He whispered urgently, looking at his partner as he gently set Gus down, who was still clinging to Brian's waist as if afraid to let go. Gus was crying desperately and the fear on his face broke Justin's heart.

“You need to trust me, Sunshine. It's the only way.”

“Brian? What?” Justin eyed Brian from wide eyes, not understanding what Brian meant, but knowing that whatever he was refering to couldn't be good.

“It's not high. Only about 10feet. You can make the jump and swim across. Hopefully the boat will come and meet you along the way. You need to try and make it across the river. It's the only way, Sunshine.”

“What?” Justin looked around wide-eyed and looked from their side of the river across the river to what was the Canadian side. It was about 500 yards to the other side from what he could see, far too much for Gus to be able to swim. The boy had only learned to swim a while ago. “No! We can't make it. No way!”

Brian took Justin's shoulders and grabbed them tightly, his fingers digging into the fabric of Justin's jacket. “It's the only way. You need to go now. Take Gus and go!”

“What? What about you?” Justin looked from Gus, who was still clinging to Brian, to Brian and back and then his eyes settled on Brian's eyes which showed a determination Justin had hardly ever seen there. Brian had made up his mind and Justin finally realised what the decision had been. And he would not accept it. “No! No, Brian! No way!”

“Yes! You and Gus will make the jump. You need to go now before they see you. If I let them catch me, I can make them believe that it was only me which will give you the time to make it across. It's the only way, Sunshine,” by now Brian's voice was desperate and the barking of the dogs was getting closer and closer.

“No! You can't. No! I will not allow it,” Justin whispered, looking into Brian's determined eyes, trying to plea with him. “No, please. No!”

“It's the only way. You need to go now. Now!”

Justin was furiously shaking his head as Brian started pulling him closer towards the edge. “Brian! Stop! No!”

Brian leaned in and gave Justin a quick kiss. The younger man was too shocked to say anything or resist the kiss and allowed Brian to kiss him. “It's the only way. You need to save Gus. Please!”

Justin was crying by now, knowing that Brian meant it and wasn't joking. He wanted Gus and Justin to continue on their own while he stayed behind to distract the patrol that was looking for them.

“No,” Justin was now crying furiously, shaking his head over and over. “No!”

“It's the only way, Sunshine,” Brian whispered once more, leaning in for one last kiss. “You need to look after Gus. Promise me!”

“Brian,” Justin was crying, not able to get the words out. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he needed to say, but the dogs were coming closer and closer and now they could also hear voices yelling for them. Their time was running out. “No,” Justin whispered once more, furiously shaking his head, but Brian had already stopped looking at him and was now talking to Gus.

From the looks of it even Gus had understood what was about to happen and was nearly hysterical now.

“Justin will take good care of you. I love you, sonny boy. Never forget that. I love you!”

Gus was too panicked and emotional to reply anything, but he didn't have to. Before he would have gotten the chance, Brian had already moved towards the edge of the small cliff and had given him a push.

Thankfully Gus' cry couldn't be heard over the wind and the water below.

Justin eyed Brian in a panic, but stopped fighting when Brian pulled him closer to the edge now as well. “Make sure he's alright. I love you.”

And then he was pushed over the edge of the cliff as well. He was too shocked to even scream in the panic he felt.

When he felt the cold water engulf his body, he felt ready to die. He knew why Brian had done what he had done. The dogs had been on their trail, the patrols knew that someone was trying to flee Gilead. Brian needed to stay behind and needed to make them believe it had only been him. He needed to distract them enough so they wouldn't check the river too closely. If they saw Gus and him in the river, they might start shooting at them. It had happened before to other people. Justin knew all that and still he couldn't grasp what had just happened.

Brian had pushed him and Gus off the cliff, so he could give himself over to the authorities. That would mean his death.

All these thoughts and so many more still went through Justin's head when he came up for air again. He looked around, desperately trying to see where Gus was, knowing that he needed to look out for the boy. He owed it to Brian.

As he found Gus, saw him struggling a couple of feet away from him, he dared to look up the cliff one last time and his eyes met Brian's for the last time. He could see the small nod Brian gave him, before he turned around and walked away from the cliff.

He was sure he had heard some yelling, he even imagined that he had heard Brian's cry of “Don't shoot!”, but he couldn't be sure.

His mind was on overload and his focus was now on getting Gus across to the other side of the river.

It was all he could do to make sure that Brian's sacrifice had not been in vain.

He grabbed the small boy, pulled him close, then started to make his way across the river, pulling Gus with him. Every once in a while he would try to say some soothing and calming words to the struggling boy by his side, but in the end he couldn't even hear his own voice. His mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of Brian and what would happen to him now.

Just as Justin woke up in a sweat from a nightmare he hadn't had in years, Brian woke up in a sweat as well, his whole body covered in it, his sheets twisted and his eyes full of panic. He gasped for breath and was looking around himself in a panic. He needed a minute or two to get his breathing back under control and to realise that he wasn't on the edge of that cliff. He was in a hospital. In Canada. Where Gus and Justin were as well. In safety!

He wasn't on that cliff anymore and he didn't have to wonder anymore if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He now knew that he had made the right decision and that everything had been worth it because his sonny boy and his Sunshine had been safe.