Chapter 21

“So, are you ready for the big night, big bad?” Emmett chuckled as he winked at Brian.

“Big night?” Brian frowned, not sure why the old queen would refer to it as big night.

“A little birdie told me that you'll be spending the night at Casa Taylor on Gus' birthday. Hmmmmm,” Emmett looked excited and if Brian didn't know him better, he would have said the other man was ready to clap his hands in glee.

“It's just to help keep an eye on the horde of hormonal teenagers that will be staying the night. Get your mind out of the gutter,” Brian warned, throwing his friend a glare for good measure.

And it was true. Gus' birthday was coming up and he had asked to have some friends come over and spend the night on his birthday. Justin had agreed, but had asked Brian for his help. Gus was turning 14, some of his friends were already 14 and before it had always been Justin and Ethan to keep an eye on all the boys. Justin just wasn't sure that he wanted to take on that much responsibility on his own, or so he had told Brian, when he had asked him for his help.

As Gus' father, Brian had of course agreed. He might have his doubts about spending the night at Justin's house, but this was his son's birthday party, these were his son's friends and the least he could do to help was spend the night and help keep an eye on all those boys and make sure things wouldn't get too wild. Though Brian really doubted that with a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds. What did they know about wild nights? Then Brian remembered that Justin had only been 17 when they had first met and had shuddered. He didn't want to think about Gus getting very close to the same age Justin had been when they had first met, maybe doing the same things Justin had done.

“Pah, you're a spoilsport,” Emmett complained as he took a sip of the fruity, colourful cocktail in front of him. “Mighty God Kinney and his twink finally reunited under the same roof for one night only. Don't spoil all the fun for me.”

“Well, at least one of us will have fun,” Brian muttered as he took a sip of his beer. He had met with Emmett at a bar earlier to go over some ideas for Gus' birthday as Emmett had kindly offered to prepare the food and some decorations. Free of charge of course.

“You're not looking forward to it?” Emmett frowned, looking at Brian as if he had grown a second head.

“To watch a horde of smelly, misbehaving teenagers? I couldn't imagine a better way to spend a Saturday night,” Brian snarked in reply, before he sighed. “No, I mean, it's Gus birthday and this is how he wants to celebrate it, so I guess it's the least I can do to give him a great day.”

Emmett nodded. “But?” Because he had clearly heard a but in there.

“But I am not sure Justin sees it the same way.”

“Because he has feelings for you and now that Ethan is history is free to act on them?” Emmett filled in when Brian didn't continue.

Brian's eyes widened slightly and showed a certain surprise when he met Emmett's gaze. “You know?”

“Jeez, who doesn't?” The queen waved his hands around in the air. “One look at him and everyone can see where his heart is at these days. He's like an open book when it comes to you.”

“Great...,” Brian muttered, before he got up and ordered a second round of drinks for them. When he made his way back to the table he handed Emmett another cocktail.

Emmett nodded in thanks and took a sip from his drink. “The question is, what about your heart?”

Brian just snorted in reaction which didn't put Emmett off at all.

“Yeah, despite what you might say or pretend, I know you well enough to know that it isn't just a big,cold rock of stone, but actually a beating heart that has very strong feelings for a certain blond.”

“That was a long time ago,” Brian said quietly, before he took a long sip of beer from his bottle.

“Really? Because to me it looks like he's still more than interested. He has broken up with Ethan for Christ's sake, is raising your son... That man is just waiting for you to open the door again. You must see the way he looks at you.”

And Brian had seen it. He knew that Justin had feelings for him. Not just because of what Justin had told him and because of that kiss they had shared so many weeks ago in his living room, but also because of how the younger man was looking at him nowadays. Brian had noticed the longing in Justin's eyes, the gazes that settled on him just a tad bit too long, the way Justin pretended not to watch him while clearly watching him. He'd have to be a fool not to notice. And Brian Kinney was a lot of things, but a fool was not one of them.

Brian shrugged, not willing to admit to Emmett that he was well aware of Justin's feelings for him.

“So the question remains, what is stopping you?”

“Stopping me?”

“Well, if it was the love of my life hinting that strongly that they want us to get back together, I wouldn't waste a goddamn second. Not after everything the two of you have already been through.”

“It's not that easy,” Brian sighed, taking another sip of his beer. If only it was.

“Why not? He loves you, you love him, you're finally reunited and both free to start your relationship again. What speaks against it?”

“Things changed,” Brian just muttered and Emmett didn't fail to notice that Brian never denied that he loved Justin or how he had never spoken up about Emmett calling Justin the love of his life. As far as Emmett was concerned, Brian was still as much in love with Justin as Justin was in love with the older man. Only that for some reason Brian didn't seem willing to show that love or give it another try like Justin was.

“We changed,” he went on after a couple of seconds of silence.

“Everyone changes. That's life. The beauty of it is to find our way through it and to find the person that will be at our side while we change and that will still love us, even if we change. The one person that will love us no matter what.”

“Too much has happened,” Brian sighed. “We have different lives now.”

“Well, from what I can see, Justin seems willing to open his life for you again and to let you be a part of his life again.”

“And then what? We just forget everything that has happened in the last year and a half and pretend that everything is fine between us?”

Emmett raised an eyebrow. “The custody case?”

“It was his fault that Gus had to go through that. Do you just want me to forget about what he put my son through? Just forget about what he put me through?” Brian spat, now emptying his second bottle of beer.

“That's in the past, honey. The two of you worked through it, agreed on a deal and made it work. Gus is happy. Do you really want to say no to a future full of happiness because of a mistake that was made in the past? And I might not know the details, but there were two parties involved in that case,” the tall queen carefully pointed out.

Emmett had never known all the details about the custody trial, but he knew that Brian blamed Justin for his part in it, whatever part that might have been. And while the older man might be right to do so, Emmett also knew that something must have made Justin react like that and he knew Brian better than to think that the man had been completely innocent. He knew both Brian and Justin well enough to know that while they could bring out the best in each other they could also bring out the worst in each other just as easily. They were both highly competitive, none of them liked losing on any level and he had no doubt that they had probably pushed each other that far and had both played their parts in what had happened.

And more importantly, he knew that the custody trial was in the past. They had come to an agreement, had made the custody situation work between them and as far as Emmett had seen and had heard from Daphne as well, things between Brian and Justin had slowly moved to a level where they seemed at least able to talk to each other without it turning into big fights.

He could see the way Justin looked at Brian, the longing in the younger man, but more importantly, he had a feeling that Brian still loved Justin as well. Only that something was holding him back. Emmett hoped that whatever it was, his friends would be able to work through it and find their way back to each other.

When Brian stayed silent and didn't reply, Emmett took his friend's hand and squeezed it. “Don't hold on to the past and forget the present and your future over it. You deserve happiness, too, Brian. Probably more so than any of us.”

***

“Thanks for staying and helping with them,” Justin said as he nodded towards the living room where Gus and his friends could be heard enjoying themselves.

Brian shrugged as if it was nothing. “It's sonny boy's birthday. The least I could do was help.”

Justin just nodded, then turned off the light in the kitchen. “Well, I'll turn in now. Hopefully we'll all be able to get some sleep tonight.”

Brian nodded, then followed Justin up the stairs. They had said goodnight to Gus before, without any of his friends present. At 14 years old it just wasn't cool to have your parents come in and say goodnight. Gus and his friends knew where to find soda and juice as well as some snacks and had all prepared sleeping quarters in the living room where the boys were now gathered around the large TV watching some horror movie or other.

“See you tomorrow morning when it's time to feed the hungry beasts,” Brian said, before he went into the guestroom that Justin had prepared for him.

“Brian,” Justin started which made Brian turn around and look at the younger man.

Brian could see that Justin seemed to be struggling to say something and he wasn't quite sure if he was ready to find out what it was. Now was certainly not the right place or time for any new declarations of love and Justin certainly looked like he was ready to get into another one. Thankfully he didn't though as he slowly shook his head, then spoke in a quiet voice.

“See you tomorrow.”

Brian nodded, then closed the door behind himself, knowing very well that this wasn't what Justin had originally wanted to say.

As he undressed, he tried not to think too much about what Justin probably had wanted to say and grabbed a quick shower to cool his mind off. He really wasn't ready for any other declarations of love, mostly because he wasn't ready to look at his own feelings when it came to Justin.

The conversation with Emmett a couple of days ago had brought some unwanted thoughts to his own mind and he wasn't sure he was really ready to deal with them.

Emmett had looked right through him and had correctly pointed out that Brian still loved Justin. And he did. How could he not? He had always loved him and would always love him. Hell, he had given up his own life to ensure that Justin and Gus would have one. You wouldn't do that for someone if you didn't love them. And a love like that didn't just die and end. Of course he still loved Justin. He loved him more than anything and yes, if he was honest enough with himself for just a couple of seconds, he also knew that he wanted Justin. More than anything. He was still attracted to the younger man and still wanted that body close to his.

Yes, he was still angry with Justin for the pain he had caused him and Gus over the last year, the way he had acted during their custody trial and everything that had led to it. That anger still boiled inside him and came to the surface every time he saw Justin, but at the same time, Brian knew that it was probably something he could move past.

Emmett was right, that had been the past. They had left the custody trial behind and even though they still didn't completely agree, they had found a level that they could communicate on and tried to raise Gus together in the best way possible.

Brian knew that if he really wanted to, they could work through that and more importantly he could work through that. Right now hiding behind that anger just felt easier and more comfortable because it meant that he didn't have to look too closely at the feelings he still had for Justin. And he knew that he still had feelings for him and loved him.

None of that had changed, but as he had told Emmett, they had. Too much had happened to them to just jump back into what their relationship had been like before. They had changed. Justin had grown up to be his own man, had built a life and Brian hadn't been part of that at all. Ethan had been. Who was now gone, but still. Whatever relationship they would have wouldn't be anything like what they had been like before. They had changed and so had their dynamic. Justin had a career now, he wasn't dependant on Brian and his money any longer. And more than anything, Brian knew that he had changed. He wasn't the same man anymore that he had been that night on the cliffs. Everything that had happened to him afterwards. The years in Gilead, the torture, the uncertainty of ever seeing Justin and his son again, all of that had changed him. And that was really where the crux of the problem lay for Brian: What if Justin didn't love this new, changed Brian but only hung on to the old Brian that he had known years ago? Was Justin ready for the Brian that had been on his own in Gilead concentration camp for five years? Brian doubted it which had been one of the reasons why he had tried to keep his distance from Justin as much as he could under the circumstances of them raising his son together.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to see the moment in Justin's eyes when the younger man realised that Brian had changed too much and wasn't someone he could love any longer. He wasn't sure if he was strong enough to see the love die in the younger man's eyes. At least this way, he knew that the love was there and would always be, even if he couldn't allow himself to enjoy that love. At least this way he could pretend that they would have made it. Somehow.

That was better than one day realising for sure that they were over. Brian knew he wouldn't be able to deal with pain like that. Not on top of everything else.

With that thought in mind, the older man was surprised when sleep came quite easily and he drifted off way sooner than he had expected.