Chapter 27

“You didn't call and you didn't take any of my calls,” Justin said, his voice sounding concerned more than anything.

If Brian was honest with himself, he had expected Justin to be angry after he had ignored all his calls and texts the previous night and hadn't reached out to the younger man himself. Only that now Justin didn't seem angry at all, but only concerned and worried.

Brian sighed as he rubbed his eyes. “Justin...”

“I was worried,” the younger man said quietly as he walked closer towards Brian's desk. After Brian hadn't returned any of his calls or messages, Justin had finally had enough and had gone to Kinnetik directly. He had felt slightly bad about cornering Brian at his place of work, but he had been worried and needed to know that Brian was okay. Brian couldn't just tell him a story like the one he had shared the day before and then ignore him afterwards. Justin would not accept it and he would be damned if he didn't let Brian know what he thought about that.

He knew why Brian had ignored him, he knew the man well enough to know that Brian had probably been angry with himself all evening for having shared his story with Justin to begin with. Brian was probably thinking that he had shown weakness and Justin was now thinking less of him because he had seen that weakness, which couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, he knew how Brian's brain worked at times, especially where emotions were concerned and as much as it saddened him, he hadn't been surprised all that much when he had realised that Brian was actually ignoring him and his attempts to get in contact. It was typical behaviour for Brian and more than making him angry to be ignored, it mostly made Justin sad to see that in some ways Brian was still the man he had always been and hadn't changed at all.

“I am fine,” the older man replied, averting his gaze.

“You look like shit,” Justin immediately responded, noticing the dark rings under Brian's eyes. “Did you get any sleep at all last night?”

“Gee, thanks, Sunshine. I can always trust you to pay me compliments,” Brian hissed, before making a show of grabbing a file and opening it. “Is that it? I have a meeting in ten that I need to get ready for.”

Justin wasn't deterred by Brian's behaviour or words, being well versed in the Kinney Operating Manual and knowing what he was seeing right in front of him. He slowly made his way over and stood next to Brian's chair. He turned it around, making Brian face him, before he sat down in Brian's lap in one swift movement, running his fingers over the dark rings under Brian's eyes.

“You had the nightmare,” Justin stated, not even posing it as a question because he knew that it was true. How could it not be? How could Brian not be bothered by the memories and images in his head on the very night after he had opened his heart and soul and had shared those memories with Justin.

“I am fine,” Brian just repeated, trying to move his face away from Justin's gentle touch. “And I have a meeting coming up.”

Justin nodded, knowing that he wouldn't be getting anywhere right now, not with the mood that Brian was in. He leaned in for a quick kiss, happy when Brian at least didn't move away from that.

“Okay, I'll leave you alone,” Justin said as he got up from Brian's lap. “Will you come to dinner tonight? There is something I want to show you and I am sure Gus would love spending some extra time with you.”

Today was one of the days that Gus spent with Justin and he hoped that he could get Brian to come to the house with the prospect of some extra time with his son.

Brian sighed, but in the end nodded. “Fine.”

“Thanks,” Justin said sincerely, before leaning in once more, giving Brian a final kiss before he left him to get ready for his meeting. As he left, an idea formed in his head and he hoped that it would work and would be the right thing to do to make Brian see that there was nothing wrong with showing his real feelings. That showing emotions was nothing to be embarrassed about.

***

Dinner had been enjoyable, even though Brian had been quieter than usual. He had engaged in conversation and had replied whenever he had been asked something directly, but even Gus had noticed that something was off. When he had asked if Brian was alright, Brian had just replied that he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and was tired. Gus had accepted that and had just enjoyed that his dad had come over for dinner.

After dinner Gus and Brian spent some time in Gus' room working on a project for school, but once they were done, Gus settled in front of his computer to play some game or other and Brian went in search of Justin. Not surprisingly, he found the younger man in his studio.

“Come in,” Justin said when he noticed Brian in the door. “I want to show you something.”

“So you said,” Brian replied as he slowly walked into the big room and looked around at the paintings displayed everywhere. Most of them were abstracts and Brian was quite blown away by them. He had always been impressed by Justin's talent, had always known that he had a lot of talent and was a great artist and these paintings just proved it. “Those are magnificent,” he said as he nodded towards a series of abstracts in bright colours that stood to the side of the studio.

“Thanks,” Justin smiled widely as he looked at the paintings Brian had been looking at. “Those are for my next show. I am quite happy with them myself.”

“You should be. They look amazing. You're very talented...,” Brian said as he wandered around the room and took in several other paintings as well. They were in different stages of being finished. Some had only just been started while others seemed to be done or almost done. “When is your next show?”

“In two months,” Justin said after he cleaned his hands and walked over to where Brian stood. “Those,” he nodded at some paintings he had only just started, “are commissions though, not for the show.”

“Commissions? So you've got your own fan club, huh?” Brian sounded impressed, knowing how Justin had told him many years ago that he hoped that one day he would be good enough to be able to live off his art alone. Which now seemed to have come true and seemed to have worked out just well from what Brian had seen. He had done some investigating and had quickly found out that a Justin Taylor original went from anywhere in the 4 digit to 5 digit region and that several of Justin's shows had been sold out completely. Adding commissions on top of that, it looked like Justin was able to make a decent living from his art.

Justin shrugged, not wanting to make too big a deal of it. “Some trusted buyers from the US who want to support talent from their old home...”

Brian noticed how Justin had called it US, by its old name and not Gilead and knew that he was talking about other refugees, other people who had left the country and abhorred what the US had turned into in the last ten years.

“Money is money,” Brian said, knowing that at the end of the day it didn't matter who bought Justin's art, just that people did.

“I guess,” Justin sighed, not really ready to get into the whole topic of him mostly being famous for being a refugee artist and the problems he had with that description. At the end of the day Brian was right. Money was money and it paid the bills and allowed him some freedom. So who cared what made people buy his art? They bought it and that was all that mattered.

“It's not what I wanted to show you though,” he quickly changed the topic before Brian could reply to that. “Sit down,” he nodded towards the futon in the corner of the room, telling Brian to make himself comfortable and to get a drink from the small fridge next to it if he wanted.

Brian couldn't help but chuckle to himself, noticing how well equipped Justin's studio was. A futon, a fridge. It was clear that he spent a lot of time in this room.

As Brian sat down and got comfortable with a bottle of beer, he frowned when Justin left the room. A couple of minutes later the young man returned, carrying some big frames in his arms. They almost seemed too big for him to carry. Brian got up and was ready to help him carry the large frames, but Justin just shook his head.

“Wait there. Don't look at them yet.”

Then he left the room again, only to return a minute later with two more frames. He made the same trip several times until in the end there were nine frames in total.

Justin had placed the frames in a way so that Brian could only see the back, but not what was on the painting. He wondered what Justin was on about and what he wanted to show Brian.

Once Justin was done placing the last frame in the room, he walked over towards the door of the studio and closed it quietly.

“Can you close your eyes for a second?” He asked as he walked back to the frames.

Brian wasn't quite sure what was going on, but did as he was asked and closed his eyes. After about two minutes, he felt Justin sit down next to him and felt him rest his hand on Brian's thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Open your eyes,” he said quietly, his voice sounding more emotional than Brian would have expected.

When he did, Brian's breath got stuck in his throat and his eyes widened for what he was looking at was their family. Their loved ones. The people who they had loved and who had loved them. All displayed in beautiful portraits, black and white paintings that only showed the best of each and every one of them.

Brian was looking at portraits of Debbie, Carl,Lindsay, Mel, Ted, Blake, Jennifer, Molly and last but not least at a portrait of himself.

Every portrait showed a smiling, happy person. Even he was smiling in his own portrait and his eyes were shining with happiness and mischief.

He couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes as he looked at these wonderful paintings of their family and loved ones.

“They are breathtaking,” he whispered after the longest time of silence during which he had just taken in each and every single portrait and had looked at each and every single person and had remembered how much they had meant to him.

Some more than others, obviously he would have been a lot closer to Debbie than Blake, for example, but all of those people in those portraits had been friends and family. And all of them had been taken away by Gilead.

Justin nodded, then rested his head against Brian's shoulder. His voice was quiet when he started speaking.

“When we came here and... finally got settled... when things calmed down... I realised that we didn't have anyting to remember them by. We only had the clothes on our back when we arrived here, no pictures, videos, nothing to remember these people by. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Gus to have something to remember our family by. I didn't want him growing up not remembering his moms or...you,” he finished quietly as he looked at the paintings as well.

“They are amazing. You captured them all so well,” Brian whispered, in awe of Justin's talent. He was looking at perfect images of his family. The way they would have loved to be remembered. And as he looked at these nine frames, he realised how much they had all lost to Gilead. Some of these people had died, others were lost and they didn't know if they were dead or alive. In any case they hadn't seen them in years and might never see them again. Gilead had taken away all these beautiful people from them. They had all lost so much.

“At first I thought I could do a show. Some theme like 'Innocence Lost' or something, you know? Outing Gilead for what it really is and showing the world how much Gilead has cost all of us... me...,but then... I couldn't...I just couldn't...”

“Why not?” Brian asked quietly, wrapping his arms around Justin's body and pulling him closer.

“It didn't seem right. It didn't seem right to share something that personal with the world...I...I have never shown these to anyone,” Justin finished, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Not even to Gus? Or Ethan?” Brian asked, sounding surprised.

“I know that I started these for Gus and... one day I will show them to him, but... I couldn't... not so far...It's just been too painful. And Ethan...yes, he lost his boyfriend and... he understood about the loss and pain, but... he didn't know these people. He never met any of them. It just didn't seem right to share these with him when he had never met any of them and had no idea what they had been like and how important they had been in my life at one point or other.”

Realising that apart from Justin he was the first person to ever see these paintings, Brian felt incredibly honoured that Justin would share this with him, that Justin would trust him enough to show them to him.

“Why me?”

Justin shrugged, nestling his head further into Brian's shoulder. “It felt right,” he whispered and left it at that.

Brian nodded, but didn't reply. He just continued looking at the paintings, remembering each and every person displayed there, remembering what they had meant to him, remembering moments when they had laughed together, had cried together, moments when they had been a family.

“I miss them...,” Justin whispered and Brian followed his line of sight to the paintings of Jennifer and Molly Taylor. “Did he... did Craig ever... did he mention them?”

Jennifer and Molly had tried to make their way to Canada before Brian and Justin, but had never made it there. Nobody knew what had happened to them, if they had been caught or else. He wished that he could give Justin some comfort, he wished that he could tell him something, but he knew that he had to be honest.

“No, he didn't...”

Justin nodded, before burying his head in Brian's chest. When he cried and started sobbing, Brian held him close, allowing him his tears and pain for his mother and sister.

Brian felt the same pain when he looked at Debbie's painting. She had been the closest thing he had ever had to a mother and to know that her own son had had her locked away, so his standing in the party would be protected, made him angry beyond belief. He should have shot Michael when he had had the chance. He should have done it, but for some reason he hadn't. He had just thought about jumping and swimming across the river to Canada. That had been the only thought on his mind and now he cursed himself for not having taken his revenge on Michael for what that bastard had done to the only mother that had ever loved him.

Brian joined Justin's tears and together they cried for all the people they had lost, sharing the pain they both felt.

After the longest time, they both calmed down and Justin slowly pulled back, wiping the tears from his face.

“I don't know why I wanted to show you... I just knew I had to... I am sorry, I know this caused you pain,” he said as he looked at Brian's tearstained face.

“I am glad you did,” Brian replied sincerely, pulling Justin close and leaving a tender kiss on his forehead. “Seeing these...,” he nodded towards the paintings,”meant the world to me. I...I never thought I'd ever see any of them again, but your paintings... you captured them all so well... it's like they're right here with us.”

Justin nodded, knowing what Brian meant. He could feel their presence, the essence of each and every one of their friends and family members as well when he looked at these paintings.

“And you captured me quite well, I have to say,” Brian tried to joke, trying to lift the mood.

Justin tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace more than anything. “I couldn't paint this...I couldn't do this until over a year after we had been told that...you had died....” His voice haltingly continued as he once again rested a hand on Brian's thigh as if to reassure himself that the older man was really right there with him.

“My hand... it would act up... I would have cramps and... not just after hours and hours of painting which I am used to, but... right away. One or two strokes and then... it was done. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful and...then I just stopped. For the longest time I was just looking at the empty canvas and my breath would get stuck, my hand would cramp up and I literally couldn't paint. I just couldn't.”

“But you finished it,” Brian pointed out, looking at his portrait in awe.

“Because I knew that I owed it to you. I couldn't do this for everyone in the family, but not do it for you and...I think it was mostly just my brain not wanting to accept that you were gone... that's why my hand acted up... When I started the grief counseling... when I learned to deal with my pain and grief...it slowly got better. I slowly got more and more done. A couple of strokes at first and then my hand would cramp up, then half an hour here and there...and in the end it became like this personal battle of me against my grief, you know? And when it was finally done... it felt like I had won against the grief. It hadn't killed me, it hadn't won against me, but I had won against it! I was still here, still alive and neither Gilead nor grief nor my fucking hand would stop me from showing my love for you in the only way I had left.”

Brian felt beyond moved by Justin's words and once again pulled him closer. He kissed the top of his head as a single tear ran down his cheek.

“You are amazing...do you know that?”

They stayed in the studio for hours until it was well after midnight. The longer they had stayed, the more their conversation had turned into a memorial for the people they had lost. They shared memories of the people in the paintings, shared moments that had meant a lot to them that they had shared with these people. It had been emotional, but also nice. Some memories had made them laugh, some memories had made them remember good moments they had shared as a family when times had been better. The evening had turned into a nice memorial for their little Liberty Avenue family.

Once they both felt drained, Brian helped Justin store the paintings in the attic, where no one else would see them. Justin felt horrible about storing these paintings in the attic, but at the same time he wasn't ready for anyone else to see them yet which Brian accepted. He knew that this was about Justin's pain and his grief and as much as he had loved the paintings and would wish for Justin to share them with Gus and Emmett and Daphne, he also knew that it was not his place and that Justin would have to be the one to make that decision.

He was sure that it had already been hard enough for Justin to make the decision to show these paintings to Brian and Brian felt incredibly honoured for the trust Justin had shown him by doing so.

When all the paintings had been stored, Brian and Justin went to the hallway and stood next to the front door.

“You could stay, you know?” Justin suggested, looking at Brian from big blue eyes.

“I wish I could, but I have an early meeting tomorrow,” Brian said, sounding honestly sad. “I should leave.”

“This is not about Gus, is it?” Justin questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Brian shook his head. “I think we both have enough experience sneaking in and out of houses unseen to not have to worry about him seeing me in the morning.”

Justin chuckled, knowing that Brian was right. Sneaking in and out of Debbie's house with the thin walls and loud creaking stairs had definitely trained them well.

“Another time,” Brian promised as he leaned in and kissed Justin. They kissed for several minutes, before their kiss broke. Justin sighed, but nodded, knowing that Brian was probably right. Only that Justin didn't really want him to leave. He had seen Brian earlier that day and had seen the effects of the previous sleepless night on him and he was worried that after their emotional evening another sleepless night would be on the horizon. He cursed himself for not having thought about that before he had gone ahead with showing Brian the paintings.

As if reading Justin's thoughts, Brian smiled at the younger man. “I am okay. You don't have to worry about me.”

“I'll always worry about you,” Justin replied without thinking.

“That's my job,” Brian smiled, before kissing the younger man once more. When the kiss broke, he moved towards his car, but stopped when Justin held his arm and looked at him pleadingly.

“Just wait one minute, okay?” he asked, then went back inside and rushed up the stairs and came back a minute later holding what looked like a worn t-shirt in one of his hands. He handed it to Brian who took it in confusion. Brian looked even more confused when he saw a pillow in Justin's other hand.

“Don't make fun of me, okay?” Justin started as he looked at the t-shirt in Brian's hands and then up at his raised eyebrow. “When... when I had my nightmares... after Prom... it helped me to know that you were there. But... you couldn't always be there, so... when you weren't and when I had to go to sleep without you... I...I always kept one of your shirts nearby.”

“Kinky,” Brian chuckled, but then turned serious when he saw the expression on Justin's face.

“The smell... it made me fool myself into believing that you were there with me and...I know it doesn't have to work for you just because it worked for me, but... it helped me keep the nightmares away when you weren't there...And maybe... maybe it will help you as well. You didn't have the nightmares when...when we spent the night together. Just try it, okay?”

Justin's face looked earnest and Brian could see that the younger man wasn't making fun of him, but was serious. This had helped Justin and now he wanted to help Brian as well. It was actually kind of sweet, so Brian nodded in reply.

Justin then held out the pillow. “Smell it.”

Brian took a sniff and frowned when he recognised the smell. It was a smell that was as familiar to himself as Justin's smell was.

“I never stopped doing it...When... when we came here... I didn't have anything of yours, so... for the longest time I have been using your brand of cologne to make me remember the smell of you and...falling asleep, smelling you... it's been a great comfort,” Justin said, his voice full of emotion. “I know you don't believe in these kind of things, but... just try it, okay? You're officially allowed to make fun of me after you have tried.”

Brian pulled the younger man close and held him tight. “I would never make fun of you.”

“Yes, you would,” Justin snorted, knowing that this time he was the one who was right. “And I promise I'll take all your teasing once you've given it a try.”

Knowing that Justin had looked right through him and knew him that well, Brian bashfully looked down at the younger man. “You got it. I promise!”

With Justin's shirt in his hand, he got into his car a couple of minutes later, having made sure to give the younger man a proper goodnight kiss before he left.