Chapter 4

After the exam the doctor had left the room, leaving Justin and Brian alone.

Justin had noticed that during her exam the doctor had only checked Brian's vitals and had asked him about new wounds like bruises and scratches, but hadn't asked him about any of his older wounds that she had mentioned to Justin the day before, the ones she had thought could have been the result of torture.

The more Justin thought about why she hadn't mentioned any of those wounds, the more he realised that she probably hadn't because of Brian's scared reaction to her presence and her exam. She had probably realised how fearful he was and had deemed that just a quick exam would be enough for her scared patient at this point. At least that's what Justin thought.

He looked at Brian, who looked exhausted and ready to drift off again, once the doctor had left the room.

“You okay?” he asked quietly, looking at the older man in concern.

Brian hadn't said anything since the exam had ended and the doctor had left them, just staring straight ahead for most of the time. He hadn't shown any reaction when the doctor had given an update on his condition, explaining that he was very malnourished and would need lots of fluids, vitamin shots and a healthy diet to get him back on track.

He had just sat there and taken it all in without any visible reaction, but Justin had seen the way the tension had left Brian's body the moment the doctor had left the room.

“Don't like doctors,” Brian murmured, trying to shrug it off nonchalantly without much success.

Knowing that something must have happened to Brian in Gilead and not knowing if he himself was really ready to find out yet, much less knowing if Brian was ready to share what he had been through, Justin just nodded and decided to leave it at that for now, giving them all some kind of reprieve by changing the topic of conversation to something safer for the moment.

“Why don't you try to catch some more sleep and get some rest and I'll get Gus? He should be finished with lunch by now and is probably dying to see you.”

Justin watched as Brian nodded, before he settled down in the pillows and closed his eyes. Not quite sure what to make of Brian's lack of words, but knowing that Brian had never been one to talk much about his feelings, he just sighed quietly, hoping that whatever the next couple of days would bring would be alright and that they would all be fine.

He slowly got up from his chair at Brian's bedside, watching the peaceful features of the man on the bed and gave his hand a squeeze. “I missed you...,” he whispered, surprised when Brian opened his eyes in return and locked gazes with him.

He had thought that Brian had fallen asleep again and hadn't heard him, but apparently he had.

And Justin's heart caught in his throat when he heard words he had longed to hear for so many years and had thought he'd never hear again. “Missed you, too, Sunshine...”

Justin nodded, not sure he trusted his voice at that point and quickly shut his eyes, trying to push back the tears he felt threatening to come forward once more. He gave Brian's hand another squeeze, before he opened his eyes again, met Brian's gaze once more, then turned to leave the room.

Once he had left the room and had closed the door, he leaned against the door with his back, hung his head and let his tears run unchecked. Sobs wracked his body and he honestly had no idea where they were coming from. He could only blame it on the emotional overload he had been suffering from in the last 28 hours ever since he had found out that Brian was alive.

After several seconds, Justin heard a quiet voice, inquiring if he was okay. “Are you alright? Do you need any help?”

When Justin forced himself to open his eyes, he saw a young nurse standing in front of him, looking at him from concerned eyes. He slowly shook his head, then took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. When he felt like he could trust his voice again, he spoke. “I am okay. Just...there's a lot going on right now. But I am okay. Thanks.”

The nurse nodded in understanding, clearly having seen stranger things in the hospital and continued speaking to him in a calm manner. “Don't worry about it. We all understand. Whenever you feel like it, the doctor would like to speak to you about Mr Kinney's condition.”

Justin wiped away his tears, forcing himself to take another couple of deep breaths, before he nodded. “Of course, yeah.”

The nurse then led him to a small room at the end of a long hallway which seemed to be the doctor's office. When they arrived, she turned to Justin and gave him an encouraging smile. “We're not only here for Mr. Kinney. If you ever need something from us, just let us know. We're here to make sure that you are okay as well.”

Justin thanked her for her kind words, before he went to see the doctor.

“Mr Taylor, thank you so much for coming by. I appreciate you taking the time.”

Justin nodded and took the offered seat across from her desk. “The nurse mentioned that you wanted to speak to me.”

“Yes,” the doctor nodded, her face immediately turning more serious as she spoke. “I have to admit that I am quite concerned by Mr Kinney's reaction to my presence and the exam earlier.”

Justin nodded, knowing that he felt concerned as well.

“I wondered if he had ever displayed a reaction like this before to doctors and hospitals,” she went on, looking at Justin from concerned eyes.

Justin thought for a minute about how to best answer the question, then answered her in as much detail as he could. “Brian has never liked hospitals. He... he hasn't had an easy childhood and... there was physical abuse and well... he doesn't really trust doctors and hospitals,” Justin started, not quite sure how much to reveal, but having a feeling that the more information he gave the doctor, the better it would be for Brian in the long run.

“There was also an instance where I got attacked and almost killed in a homophobic attack years ago and... I know that he hates hospitals because they bring back bad memories for him. He... he doesn't like them, but...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to go on. “I don't think his reaction earlier was about that. He... he has been to hospitals before, he has dealt with doctors before and even though he didn't like it, he was okay. This was something else.”

The doctor made some notes, then nodded. “Seeing some of his former injuries and wounds, I wouldn't be surprised if something might have happened in Gilead,” she said quietly.

“You mean that he was tortured or experimented on?” Justin asked quietly, feeling new tears behind his eyes.

He knew that the thought had crossed his mind and everyone else's mind when the doctor had mentioned signs of torture the day before and he knew of all those stories from Gilead concentration camps about camp guards torturing inmates for punishment and sometimes just for the sport of it because they considered them lesser life forms. There had also been rumours about medical exams and tests being done on inmates, experiments by the ruling regime without care or concern to the well-being of the inmates, but so far those had just been rumours. And even if it turned out to be true, it was one thing to hear about them and another to know that your former lover might have been one of the guinea pigs in those experiments.

“At this point we can't be sure of anything, but we definitely can't and shouldn't rule it out completely,” the doctor said, clearly able to see how hard this conversation was for Justin.

Justin nodded slowly, feeling his stomach twist and turn, feeling like he was caught in a dark tunnel of neverending distress.

“I am sorry,” the doctor said quietly, watching the young man's reaction across her desk with concern. “I wish I could say it was different.”

Justin just nodded once again, not trusting his voice.

“For now, we will focus on Mr Kinney's physical injuries, on his malnourishment, his bad blood test results, etc., but we will also have to deal with possible mental injuries and problems. I will suggest that he meets with a therapist in the next couple of days to help get an idea about his mental state as well.”

“Brian won't like that. He... he doesn't believe in therapy...,” Justin said quietly, trying to process everything the doctor had said.

“I understand,” she said, making some notes again, before she continued. “I don't think that it can be helped though at this point. For now, I think it's most important that we keep him hydrated and get some vitamins and food into him, keeping him on a high carb, high proteine diet, so he can gain back some weight and help his body recover that way.”

“He won't like that either,” Justin smiled to himself, knowing how much Brian abhorred high carb foods and anything that could be considered remotely unhealthy. “He's very conscious of what he eats and how it will make him look.”

“Well, once again I don't think that there's any way around it. If we want him to regain his strength, we'll need to get some decent weight back on his body. For now, I think what will help the most is having you and his son around. He seemed to connect strongly to your presence and it seemed to calm him down.”

Justin nodded, having noticed the same. And quite honestly, it made him smile and his heart burst. It showed him that after all those years apart and whatever Brian had been through, they still had that old connection. No matter what, they still had their old connection, feeling immediately drawn to one another.

“So, I can take Gus to see him?” Justin asked.

“I don't see why not, though for now, I would keep those visits short. Mr Kinney is still a long way from being back to full strength and it will take some time for his body to recover. He will still tire easily for a couple of days and we shouldn't overdo it. We should give him the time his body and soul demand in order to fully heal and recover.”

“But he will recover?” Justin asked, his voice sounding scared of the answer. After everything he had been through, Brian at least deserved to be alright at the end of it. That was the least the man deserved after everything he had done for Gus and Justin.

“Physically, yes. Mentally... I can't say as it's not my field of expertise and I guess only time can really tell,” the doctor replied honestly, knowing full well that it was not the reply the younger man had been hoping for, but knowing that it was the only honest one she had.

“I appreciate all your help,” Justin thanked her as their conversation came to an end and then bid her goodbye, before he went down to the cafeteria in search of Gus, his mind busily running over his conversation with the doctor again and again. Especially the part about possible torture and mental trauma wouldn't leave him alone and he hoped against hope that whatever would manifest itself over the next couple of days would be something they could deal with and would find a way out of. For all their sakes.

Justin forced himself to push those thoughts aside as he found Gus in the cafeteria, trying to look as positive as he could under the circumstances.

“Hey mate, you alright?” he asked as he sat down next to the clearly unhappy boy that was glaring at the plate in front of him, the nurse across from him that had spent time with him and now at Justin.

Gus just glared at him and refused to answer him, making it clear that he was still angry with Justin for having kicked him out of the room earlier.

Justin sighed, before he nodded at the nurse and thanked her for taking care of Gus, hoping that he hadn't been too much trouble. The nurse bid them goodbye and made her way back to her ward, leaving them alone.

“I know that you're angry with me, but Gus, it couldn't be helped,” Justin started, only to be interrupted by Gus right away.

“You promised me that I could see Dad and then you kicked me out,” Gus spat, showing Justin how angry he really was.

“Gus, you saw him,” Justin answered reasonably.

“You know what I mean,” Gus angrily gave back, not swayed that easily.

“Yes, I do, but Gus... You are 12 years old. There are some things you are still too young for and this is one of them. There are some things adults will have to deal with and I know it sucks. I do, I was your age once as well, but it can't be helped.”

“I am not a child, Jus.”

“Gus, I know how adult you can be and how grown up you can behave, but at the end of the day you are 12 years old and yes, you are a child. Just like you should be. You should be a child that goes to school, plays soccer and meets with his friends. You shouldn't have to worry about the things we worry about as adults. You are a child and you should be able to enjoy those years,” Justin said quietly.“I know that... things happened that made you grow up a lot faster than many other kids your age, but the fact is, you are 12 years old and sometimes as adults we make decisions that you won't like. It sucks, but it can't be helped.”

“It sucks alright,” Gus mumbled, still glaring at Justin.

“Gus, this isn't easy for me either, okay? I... I was totally thrown by the news of your Dad being here as well and... right now, I have no idea what I am doing, okay? I am just taking it step by step, one step at a time, trying to find a way for all of us to be okay at the end of this. I am sorry if you felt unfairly treated, but the doctor suggested that it might be better for you not to be present when your Dad woke up and I agreed with her. End of story.”

“He's my Dad. I have a right to see him.”

“Yes, you do. And I am not going to stop you from seeing him. I told you before, we wanted to make sure he was okay when he woke up and we didn't want to stress him out too much under the circumstances,” Justin explained quietly, hoping that he could get through to Gus.“Gus, whatever your Dad went through to get here, it can't have been easy and... it will take time for him to be alright. It will take time for him to be the Dad again that you remember. We need to give him that time, Gus, it's the least we can do.”

“Is this about what happened to him in Gilead?” Gus asked quietly, the anger now having left his eyes, replaced by a quiet pain that Justin had seen there before so many times when they had talked about Gilead and what life in Gilead was like for gay people.

“Yes, it is,” Justin replied quietly, not quite sure how much to tell Gus, but having a feeling that the boy deserved as much honesty as was possible. This impacted Gus in a big way as well and yes, he might only be 12 years old, but in his 12 years Gus had already seen so much and heard so much about life in Gilead, had experienced so much pain himself, that he had grown up way quicker than most children his age. So far Justin and Ethan had always tried to be as honest with him as was possible and Justin just hoped that he wasn't making a mistake by continuing that way. For all their sakes.

“Gus... in Gilead... life is not good if you don't fit the norm. You know that. You remember how we were treated because we were gay. The discrimination, the attacks, the laws against people like us. You remember how you weren't allowed to go to school anymore because of your Dad and me being gay. You remember how the police came to the loft and randomly arrested me, your Dad or both of us and how they tried to take you away... Before we left... before your Dad and I made the decision to try for a better life in Canada, they had just passed a new law making it possible for them to take away all children that were raised by homosexual parents and having those children adopted by proper, Christian conservative families.

When that law passed, your Dad and I knew that we needed to leave. We couldn't allow for them to take you away from us. We couldn't allow for them to give you to another family and brainwash you against us. Gus, whatever happened, your Dad and I always loved you and worried about your well-being and when they started to not only threaten us, but also you, we made the decision to run away.”

“I know,” Gus said quietly, remembering how he had been told about their attempt to escape from Gilead before.

“That night... when they caught us... Your Dad made a choice, Gus. He made the choice to sacrifice himself, so that you would be safe. He would have never abandoned us, but he knew it was the only way to make sure that you would make it to Canada. He knew it was the only way to make sure that you would be alright. He sacrificed himself, so that you and I could make it out of Gilead and to safety.”

“I know,” Gus said once more, having heard that part of the story before and remembering it vividly. Even though he had only been seven years old, he could still remember how scared he had been that night in the woods and even more so, how scared his father and Justin had been. He remembered the moment it had become clear that they would be caught, the moment his father had realised what that meant for them and had made a decision to stay back and save them by sacrificing himself. The moment Justin had realised what was happening and the despair the man had felt over his father's actions. The argument, the tearful goodbye, the moment his father had pushed them away, the last time he had seen his father and his father had seen him and Justin. He remembered all of it vividly and sometimes still had nightmares about that night. He understood what Justin was saying, even though he was only 12 years old, he understood. “I know that.”

“I know you do, Gus, but what I need you to understand is that... after they caught your Dad...They would have punished him for trying to get away. They would have punished him for daring to go against Gilead's laws. And they wouldn't just punish him by sending him to prison. Gus, I need you to understand that your father, by what he did for us, made himself a target with the regime.”

“A target?” Gus frowned, not quite sure that he could follow. “What do you mean?”

Justin sighed, wondering if he should really go ahead, but knowing that he had already said too much and there was no way to back out now. Not at this point. “They would have punished him even worse than anyone else. They would have treated him even worse than they would have treated anyone else...Gus, when your Dad was found here in Canada, they found him wearing a concentration camp uniform. He wasn't sent to prison in punishment, they... they sent him to a concentration camp and in those camps... the inmates... they are treated worse than animals. Gus, I need you to understand that whatever your father has been through these last couple of years... it was bad. It was really bad, Gus.”

Justin watched the young boy take in his words, watched as his eyes closed and he pressed them close more tightly in an attempt to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall, in the end losing the fight against his tears. When he saw the first tears on the small boy's face, Justin leaned over, pulling the boy into a tight hug. When he spoke next, still holding the boy tightly, his voice was gentle and understanding.

“Gus, I am not saying this to be mean or to hurt you, I just want you to be prepared, okay? Your Dad... he might react differently than he did before. He might not react the way you're used to. I just want you to understand that it has nothing to do with you. He still loves you and he will always love you. We just... at this point... we don't know what all happened to him and we need to be understanding and give him time. We can't pressure him and stress him, okay? We don't know what he has been through and we just need to be prepared that he might not be the same with us as he was before we left Gilead.”

Gus cried for a long time, then pulled back from Justin's embrace, looking at the older man from pained eyes. “I just want to see my Daddy,” he whispered, before he flung himself into Justin's embrace once more.

Justin held him tight, gently rubbed his back in a soothing motion and whispered to him, trying to comfort him as well as he could under the circumstances. “I know. I know you do. And you can. I promise.”

“Really?” Gus hiccupped in Justin's arms, his voice showing his doubts.

“Really,” Justin promised, his voice as sincere as could be.

Justin then pulled back, wiping away Gus' tears gently. “Your Dad woke up earlier and we spoke for a few minutes. He can't wait to see you.”

“Really?” Gus eyes widened at Justin's words.

“Really. He asked about you and I told him that you're here in the hospital and he was so relieved to know that you're alright. I am sure he must have missed you like crazy.”

Gus nodded slowly, taking in Justin's words.

“And I will take you to see him so you can speak to him yourself, Gus. I will. I would never keep you away from your father. I never would. When he woke up earlier though, the doctor and I...we just needed to make sure that your Dad would be up to seeing you. That he would be okay enough to see you. With him sleeping until now, nobody knew how he was really doing and the doctor needed to be sure first that he's alright. You understand that, don't you?”

Gus nodded once more, this time speaking slowly. “And he is? Alright?”

Justin smiled gently, running a hand through Gus' hair. “He seems to be. He'll need some time to regain his strength and he'll still tire easily, so we can't visit with him for too long or it will exhaust him too much, but he seems well enough to see you. And I know that he wants to see you and wants to see with his own eyes that you're alright.”

“As do I,” Gus replied, making Justin smile.

“Well, how about we go then? But first, let's clean you up a bit or your Dad will blame me for not taking good care of you.”

“Justin,” Gus spoke quietly, his voice now a lot more serious than it had been just a few seconds ago.

“Yeah?” Justin replied, frowning at Gus and his sudden seriousness.

“You've always taken good care of me. For as long as I can remember.”

Justin's heart warmed at the words the young boy had directed at him and he couldn't help but give him his best sunshine smile. “Because I love you. And I always will. No matter what.”

“I love you, too,” Gus replied, hugging Justin once more.

“Even when I am mean and an asshole?” Justin chuckled, repeating Gus' earlier words from when Justin had told him to go and have his lunch instead of being present when his father first woke up.

“Even then,” Gus nodded, tightening his hold around the older man. “I know you weren't and that you just tried to do what was right.”

Justin pulled back and smiled at his surrogate son, all his love for the boy in his gaze that moment.

“We're all trying to do what's right here and... we'll have to take it one step at a time. Sometimes that might mean that I'll make decisions that you won't understand or won't be happy with, but Gus... I am not doing that to hurt you or to punish you or because I want to stop you from seeing your father. Quite on the contrary... I am just trying to do what's right for everyone involved and you and your father most of all. Okay?”

“Hmmm,” Gus nodded, smiling at the man who had raised him and had been a second father to him for as long as he could remember. “I am sorry for having behaved like a brat.”

“You didn't... If it had been me, I would have been angry as well. Just know that I love you and only want what's best for you, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus smiled and followed Justin as they got up and made their way out of the cafeteria.

“So, are you ready to go and see your Dad?”

“More than ready,” the young boy smiled at him with a smile that reminded Justin so much of Brian that it almost broke his heart. Gus really was a miniature version of Brian and that smile only showed it more.