Chapter 7

“Hey, are you okay?” Justin asked, as he walked over to the bed where he saw Brian sitting up and looking out of the window, his face looking troubled.

Brian just nodded in reply, but otherwise didn't react to Justin's presence at all. Justin watched him for a couple of seconds and could easily see how tense Brian was. His shoulders, his jaw, his fists clenched so tightly that the knuckles were turning white. Something was wrong, Justin knew it, he just didn't know what exactly.

When he had arrived at the hospital, the nurse had taken him aside and had talked to him, explaining to him that Brian had had a restless night and that they had needed to give him a sedative at one point because he had been so agitated that he just wouldn't calm down. She explained that it had seemed like a panic attack to the nurse on duty, but Brian had refused to say anything, so they couldn't be sure.

Not quite sure what to make of the silence which had quickly become strained, Justin decided to keep the topics simple for the time being and decided to talk about Gus.

“Gus will be coming over later this afternoon. He is back to school today, but I had to promise him that he could come and see you after classes. He wasn't happy, but I insisted that one day of missing school was enough and that you would still be here in the afternoon when classes were over.”

Once again Brian just nodded, but didn't say anything or show any other kind of reaction to what Justin had said.

“Daphne will pick him up and take him here. She's working for the Red Cross now, you know? Helping them take care of Gilead refugees and she's really excited to see you again.”

Again there was only a nod in acknowledgment, nothing else. Even if he hadn't known Brian as well as he did, Justin would have known by now that something was seriously wrong.

“Brian? Say something. Are you okay?”

This time Brian didn't even nod and all Justin got in reply was a deep sigh.

“If it's all too much, you can tell me, you know? I... I can just leave if you want me to,” Justin offered, not quite sure what else to say. Maybe Brian just needed some time alone to work through whatever was bothering him and maybe seeing Justin and Gus again had brought back some memories or even trauma that Brian needed to work through. Justin wasn't quite sure what they were dealing with, but he knew that he didn't want to stand in the way of Brian getting better and if it might be his presence that was disturbing to Brian, maybe leaving him alone for a while would help him better than having Justin sit at his bedside with a worried look on his face for most of the day.

Justin saw how Brian's head moved in his direction and when their gazes met, he saw so much pain and desperation in Brian's eyes that it nearly took his breath away. When Brian held his gaze and then slowly shook his head in indication that Justin shouldn't leave, Justin just nodded.

“Okay,” he said quietly, trying to sound as positive as he could. “I'll stay and we can just be quiet if that's what you want,” Justin offered, nodding at Brian and giving him an encouraging smile.

After a couple of minutes of just looking at each other in silence, Justin felt how Brian's hand reached for his own and he smiled slightly when he felt his hand being held by the older man.

They stayed like that in absolute silence, except for Brian's deep sighs every once in a while, Brian holding on to Justin's hand being the only connection between them.

Justin had started to look at his hand in Brian's bigger hand, marvelling how well his much smaller hand still fit into Brian's bigger hand when the silence was suddenly broken by Brian's quiet voice. It was hardly louder than a whisper and it was obvious how shaken he was when he spoke.

“I wondered so many times... if it had been worth it... If you were alright... if Gus was alright...for so long... always worrying that they might have caught you and it had all been for nothing...I was hoping and praying that you were alright and that it had been worth it...”

“Brian,” Justin started, but didn't know what to reply. What was he to say? That yes, it had been worth it? He didn't even know what Brian had been through in recent years, so who was he to judge if it had been worth it? He and Gus had been alright, they had made it out and to safety that night. They had made it to Canada and had been fine, so yeah, it had worked out for them. But for Brian? Justin could only imagine what he had been through in recent years and every time his thoughts turned that way, his heart broke for Brian and the sacrifice he had made for them.

After taking a deep breath, Justin spoke in a voice just as quiet. “What you did that night... I will never be able to thank you enough. You saved Gus and me and I can only image what it must have cost you...”

“When I turned away from that cliff...for so long afterwards... I didn't know if you and Gus had made it or if I had made the biggest mistake of my life...”

“We made it...Thanks to you. About halfway through the river a boat from the Canadian coastguard saw us and picked us up once we had crossed the border. They took us to the Canadian side and we've been safe ever since,” Justin said quietly,

Brian nodded, but didn't say anything. After a couple of seconds Justin saw a lone tear run down his cheek and he gently wiped it away.

“You saved us.”

“Then it was worth it,” was all Brian replied, before he closed his eyes and gave in to his tears.

Justin wasn't quite sure what to do, but decided that the best way to deal with something was to work through it and move on. He figured that the best way for Brian to move on was to deal with what had happened that night and afterwards and to be able to deal with it, Justin needed to let him know. Not knowing if it was the right thing to do or not, but not knowing what else to do, Justin decided to tell Brian some more about what had happened to them after they had been rescued by the Canadian coastguard.

“We were taken to a hospital and except for a couple of bruises we were both fine. The local Red Cross helped me get in contact with Daphne and with her help, we got relocated to Toronto. Once Gus and I arrived here, she helped us get settled and... she helped us to connect with people we knew.”

“Who?” Was all Brian asked and Justin understood the question immediately. Brian wanted to know who else had made it out and who else was alive and well.

“Emmett. He lives in Toronto as well and he was actually here visiting you the day before yesterday.”

“Emmett? Good,” Brian nodded, before he implored Justin to continue with more information. “Who else?”

When Justin shook his head wordlessly and lowered his eyes, Brian took a deep breath. “No one else?”

The shake of Justin's head was answer enough for Brian, who ran a hand through his hair in despair.

“Fuck!”

“Brian, please,” Justin started, not wanting the older man to get agitated. He cursed himself for having given Brian this information so soon, wondering if he had fucked up again, just like he had with Gus the day before. Maybe it was time to evaluate his 'honesty is the best way' stance. How could it be the best if it caused so much pain?

After being quiet for the longest time, Brian spoke quietly again. “Lindsay? And Mel?”

Justin shook his head, then took a deep breath. “I had Daphne look into it when we came here.”

Lindsay and Melanie had left Gilead a year before Brian and Justin had attempted to flee. They had gone the official route of applying for visas and travel authorisations when it had still been possible and had received travel authorisations by the Gilead government. When they had only received authorisation to leave the country for themselves and not for Gus, there had been a lot of discussions. In the end, much to the heartbreak of Lindsay and Mel, everyone had agreed that they should go while they still could and Brian and Justin would take care of Gus in the meantime. Mel had promised to use her knowledge as a lawyer to file whatever lawsuit she could against the Gilead government and everyone had agreed that they would be reunited soon after, as soon as things either returned to normal or Brian and Justin had made it out with Gus as well.

After all, homosexuals were considered undesirables in Gilead, so surely the government would be happy if they wanted to leave on their own, right? At least that was what everyone had thought at the time.

So after many painful conversations and final goodbyes,Lindsay and Mel had left for their destination in Australia, where they had gotten visas and had promised to be in contact as soon as they had settled down. Only that no one had ever heard from them again.

“Gilead never had any intention to let them or anyone else go. According to international investigations, people with travel authorisations were considered traitors, because only traitors would want to leave such a great nation and as such... they executed them. They made people believe that they could leave the country when really they just put them on trains to camps and had them killed. There have been no reports of flights or ships with any people leaving Gilead apart from government officials leaving on state business.”

“Fuck!” Brian exclaimed, angrily slamming his fist into the mattress by his side. He knew that he shouldn't really be surprised, after everything they had seen and been through in Gilead, he knew that nothing should shock him anymore, still it was hard to hear that the mothers of his son were dead, not safely building a new life in another country. “Gus?” Brian just asked and Justin understood what Brian was asking.

“He knows,” Justin admitted quietly, looking at Brian sadly. “It didn't seem fair to keep him hoping for something that would never happen.”

After the longest time, Brian nodded. He took a deep breath. “Ted?”

“He made it to Canada, but... got separated from Blake on the way out. Blake was captured and... Ted didn't take it well and went off the deep end. He died of an overdose a year and a half ago. It was very hard on Emmett.”

Brian nodded, knowing how close Emmett and Ted had always been.

“Ted has never been the same again after coming here and...Emmett... we all tried our best...”

Brian nodded once more, before his gaze met Justin's again. “Your mom? Molly?”

Justin sighed, his voice shaking as he spoke. “I don't know. There has been no word at all.”

Molly and Jennifer had left a couple of weeks before Brian and Justin had tried to make it out and at the time they had just assumed that they had made it to Canada and had been safe. Apparently that hadn't been the case.

Jennifer and Molly, and by extension Justin as well, had had a bad time in Gilead. Once the religious nutjobs had taken over, Craig had been the first to join their ranks and had quickly risen up the ranks, making life for his former family hell. He had bullied his former family, who he despised for supporting Justin's choice of being gay, as he had called it and had made life in Gilead really hard for all of them while he had gained more and more power himself.

“Justin... I don't know what to say... I am sorry,” Brian started, but was stopped by Justin right away.

“You won't meet anyone here who hasn't lost someone. Stories of Gilead are always stories of pain, loss and despair... Once we got settled here... I quickly realised how lucky we had been. Thanks to you!”

Brian nodded, understanding what Justin was saying. Even in Gilead they had all become used to loss, pain and despair and Brian didn't feel very surprised when he heard that news from Gilead weren't much happier in Canada.

Not wanting to dwell on the bad news, Justin quickly wiped his eyes, wiping away the stray tears that had come out, before he decided to move the conversation back to a safer topic.

“We did what we had planned to do. I accessed the account you had set up and got a place for Gus and me and once things started to calm down, Gus started school and I finished my degree.”

Justin was referencing a Canadian account, Brian had set up a long time before they had tried to flee Gilead. When things had first started to look grim and dire in the United States, Ted and Mel had advised them to get money out of the country. There had been rumours of plans to freeze the accounts of undesirables, so Ted had set up a plan for most of the family to get some of their money invested abroad in case it might be needed one day.

After they had used their last savings to pay the traffickers to make it out of Gilead, it had been their plan to access the money Brian had invested in Canada years before to built a life there.

“Good,” Brian said, giving Justin's hand a squeeze. “That's what it was for.”

“Gus is a great student, you know? Very smart, good grades. When he started school, at first I was worried that it would be too much for him after not attending school in so long, but he was fine. He likes going, he has made friends and is happy, you know?”

“That's all that matters,” Brian replied quietly, before another silence settled between them. After a couple of minutes, it was Brian who broke the silence. “And you?”

“Me?” Justin frowned.

“What are you doing now?” Brian met Justin's gaze. “You said you got your degree. In Fine Arts?”

Justin nodded. “Yeah... I did a couple of shows by the Red Cross that Daphne got me into. You know, refugee art and that kind of thing. Not really what I want to be known for, but it did the trick and helped to set up a loyal clientele. There are many refugees here who want to support someone from home. It pays the bills and allows me to be independent. I can make my own hours which is good when it comes to taking care of Gus, so... yeah, I guess it's alright.”

“Sounds more than alright,” Brian argued and Justin knew that he was right. He wished that he wasn't known as the “refugee artist”, but at least he was known as an artist and was able to create his art and live off it. And quite comfortably so. His life could have turned out a lot worse, he knew that. So many of his friends and family had lives so much worse than his own and he knew that he was an ass when he complained about his career like this.

Justin sighed and nodded. “I know... God, I should be ashamed of myself. Here I am complaining about my oh so hard life when I can only imagine what... I mean...,” Justin didn't quite know how to continue and he could feel how Brian tensed even more, apparently knowing what Justin was fighting to say.

“It doesn't matter,” Brian said quickly, but Justin had seen the pain and trauma in Brian's eyes and on his face before he had put his mask of indifference back in place.

“Of course it does... It's my fault,” Justin didn't get any further than that.

“Pray tell how that would be your fault? Last I checked, I was the one who made a decision and pushed you and Gus down that cliff into the river.” Brian's features were closed off and his voice sounded angry.

“But,” Justin started, only to be interrupted by Brian again.

“But what? It was my decision. I made it, I lived with the consequences. End of story!”

“Brian...”

“End of story!” Brian just repeated, before he lay down again and turned onto his side. “I am tired.”

It was clear to Justin that their conversation was over and Brian didn't want to talk any longer. He cursed himself for once again having fucked up and wondered if he would ever make a right decision where Gus and Brian were concerned. So far his track record was clearly against him.

***

Two hours later, Justin noticed Brian waking up. Brian hadn't slept the whole time. The first hour, he had basically just ignored Justin, but Justin had known that the older man had still been awake. After some time, Brian must have fallen asleep though, because Justin had then heard the familiar wheeze in his breathing.

As Brian had been sleeping, Justin had watched him and had studied his features. Brian looked closed off even in his sleep. Where he used to be relaxed and peaceful in sleep, his features were still tense now as if he was ready for an attack or onslaught even in his sleep.

Justin didn't dare to imagine what must have happened to Brian to make him become that tense even in his sleep, a time when his body should be shutting down and recharging.

When Brian opened his eyes, Justin couldn't help but notice the fearful way in which his eyes darted around the room as if to check where he was and that he was safe, while his breath hitched and became more ragged.

Once Brian had apparently realised where he was and that he was safe, his features relaxed slightly and his breathing calmed down.

“It's just me,” Justin said quietly, not wanting to startle the older man.

Their eyes met for the longest time, before Brian averted his eyes and glanced towards the window.

“I wish you would tell me,” Justin whispered after a while. “I just want to help you...”

Not wanting to leave any doubt what he was talking about, he continued.

“Any fool can see that something happened. You're skittish and scared and... your eyes... Don't you think I can see the pain and fear in them?” Justin reached out for Brian's hand, but Brian pulled his hand back when Justin tried to grab it.

Justin sighed, before he continued. “I know all the stories. I know that you were found in clothes that concentration camp inmates wear in Gilead. I... I have heard the stories about what goes on in those camps. I just wish you would let me help...I just want to help.”

“You can't help,” Brian pressed out, still not looking at Justin.

“How do you know if you don't even let me try?” Justin asked.

“It's none of your business!” Brian spat then, turning to glare at Justin. “I made a choice, I lived with the consequences. End of story!”

“Only that it isn't, is it?” Justin felt himself getting angry now as well. “It's not the end... How can it be? I can only begin to imagine what you must have gone through in Gilead and.... if you don't tell me... if you won't let me help you... it will always be between us, won't it? And I will always owe you, knowing what it has cost you.”

“You owe me nothing...”

“Only my life, my home, my education, Gus' and my safety. Seems like a pretty long list...”

“And what? You think I want your thanks for it? Or want you to pay me back?”

“I don't know,” Justin admitted helplessly. “Right now... I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know what I am thinking... I am just so goddamn confused and...,” Justin felt tears running down his cheeks and angrily wiped them away. He cursed himself for crying once more. Why was he crying? Why couldn't he just have a normal conversation with Brian without crying?

“I know that you must think that I have no right to complain. That compared to you our life must have been pretty easy,” Justin started.

“I never said anything like that.”

“But it's what you're thinking, right? Well, it's certainly what I am thinking. That I have no right to complain because whatever we went through it can't have been as bad as what you went through, but...,” Justin sighed, angrily wiping away even more tears. “We thought you had died.”

After that statement there was complete silence between them. Brian turned to look at Justin and saw how his small body was wracked by painful sobs. “You were dead...,” the younger man repeated over and over, sobbing and crying the whole time.

Brian was quite shocked by what was happening in front of him and didn't quite know how to react. One minute they had been talking about him and now here Justin was, crying his heart out, saying over and over that Brian had been dead. Which didn't make much sense to Brian.

In the end, instinct won over and Brian carefully moved out of bed, as close to Justin as he could without dislodging his IV and the machines attached to him, reaching out a hand to run through Justin's blond locks.

“Hey... hey... Calm down,” he said over and over, trying to calm down the younger man. “I am here. I am okay.”

He tried to comfort Justin as well as he could from the position he was in, saying comforting and reassuring words to the younger man as he ran his hands through the blond hair he had missed so much and had dreamed of running his fingers through so many times in recent years. He then ran his fingertips across Justin's cheeks and tenderly caressed them, before moving his fingers down to Justin's lips, tenderly touching them with his fingertips. Not knowing what else to do, he finally leaned in, meeting Justin's lips in a tender kiss.

He felt Justin stiffen, apparently shocked by what was happening, blue eyes widening immediately.

After about two seconds instinct took over for Justin as well though and he eagerly kissed Brian back. It was their first kiss since that last kiss on that cliff edge so many years ago and he felt instinct take over.

Rationally, he knew that he shouldn't be kissing Brian, he knew that he should stop the kiss, but it felt so good. Brian was here. Not dead, but alive. And here. And they were together. It was all he could think about.

They kissed for the better part of a minute, before Justin's head finally made sense of his inner turmoil and Justin pulled back, shocked by his own actions.

“I shouldn't have...,” he started, still wide-eyed, but then didn't know how to continue. This definitely wasn't the right time and right way to tell Brian about Ethan, was it? No, Justin decided, it wasn't.

“Shhhh, Sunshine... It's okay... I am alive. We all are.”

Justin nodded, trying to get his emotions under control. He knew that he owed Brian an explanation, but didn't quite know how to explain what he knew he had to explain. He decided to start at the beginning.

His eyes met Brian's and their gazes locked as he started speaking.

“After that night... I thought you had been killed. I thought they would have executed you and... I tried not to let Gus know. I tried to act positively, trying to pretend that things would be alright and then... Daphne got a message from the resistance, she has contacts, I don't really know who from or how, but... she got a message that you were alive. We couldn't make sense of it, but... at least we knew you were alive and I didn't have to lie to Gus. Daphne tried to get more information, but for a long time, we couldn't find out anything and then...,” Justin hung his head, his voice shaking with the pain and emotion he felt. “Then... four years ago... we were told that you had died. That you had tried to flee and had been killed in an escape attempt....”

New tears ran down Justin's cheeks and his eyes spoke of the loss he had felt all those years ago. “We... we had a memorial for you...we... grieved for you...You were dead and... we tried to come to terms with it and...then I got the call from the hospital and here you are, not dead and... fuck... I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I grieved for you. Gus and I grieved for you and.... you have no idea... It hurt so bad... I... I didn't think I could survive the pain, but... I had to. Gus needed me and... he was hurting so bad... At times I didn't know how to keep on breathing, I was hurting so bad, thinking you were dead and that I would never see you again and... now you're here and...God, I am so messed up right now...,” Justin ran a hand through his hair in despair.

“Shhhh, calm down, Sunshine. I am not dead. I am here. Shhhhhh,” Brian tried to calm down the younger man, listening to what he had to say.

“I know that... that your life must have been hell in Gilead. I know that, but... our life was hard as well. We thought you had died,” Justin whispered. “We thought you were dead and,” Justin didn't get further than that, before Brian's lips claimed his once again.

“I am not dead. I am here,” Brian whispered into the kiss, looking at Justin in confusion when he pulled back from the kiss, effectively ending it.

“Brian... I can't,” Justin started, but didn't get to finish what he was about to say as they were interrupted by the door opening at that point.

Brian implored Justin to give him something, to tell him what was going on, but he knew that his chance had been lost when a nurse entered the room, ready to take Brian for an exam.

“Sunshine?” Brian implored, but Justin didn't meet his gaze when he spoke.

“I... I can't, Brian. I'll go and wait downstairs for Daphne and Gus and will be back after your exam.”

Brian watched as Justin almost ran from the room, wondering what was going on. He didn't even get to point out that the exam would only take 20 minutes at the most, but it would be another two hours at least before Daphne and Gus would show up.

Something was off, very off and Brian wasn't quite sure what it was.