Brian looked down into his morning coffee, studiously ignoring the gang as they crowded in around him. Fuck! Why couldn't they leave him alone today? Upon waking up this morning, he had realized that Liberty Diner was the last place he should start his day; of course, he hadn't listened to his own advice to himself. He didn't doubt that each of them realized what day it was... and the special significance that it all meant. He just wanted to get through the day; then, lose himself in drugs, alcohol, and nameless tricks that would be gone from his life forever. Reliving what he had lost on this day three years ago was the last thing he either wanted or needed. It was time he fully moved on. He didn't have a doubt that Justin would have wanted that for him. The question that burned in him, though, was - could he ever totally close the door on that chapter in his life?

Justin. He had made it all morning without that name slipping into his conscious mind; although he was quite certain Justin had been there all along. He was always there. No matter how much time passed, those beautiful blue eyes that were so expressive - whether in anger, desire, love, understanding, or total trust, they forever haunted him. He had closed himself off from love for so many years; thinking back on the rules that he had always lived by, he decided life was much simpler then. However, he hadn't been complete... nor had he been happy. He fought back the tears that threatened the back of his eyelids as he remembered their wedding rehearsal dinner. Drugs hadn't been needed to fly high that night. Justin's smile had been enough for that. He doubted he would ever forget that night. For certain, the memories of fucking in front of the fire at Britin would always stay with him. In fact, so much so, he hadn't stepped inside of it in the past three years... nor had he sold it. It was a closed-up shrine to the love he had briefly held tightly in his hands. A feeling he knew he would never know again.

"Hey, Brian. Busy day at Kinnetik today?" Michael asked, the first one to break the tense silence that had seemed almost suffocating.

Brian shrugged. "Same old shit... just a day like any other." He lifted his head from his newspaper, his eyes stabbing icily into Michael, Ben, Emmett, and Ted - silently willing them to contradict him.

Ted's eyes widened as he met Emmett's across the table. He wasn't about to say a word. After all, he had to deal with his clearly pissed-off mood all day. In this instance, he could understand. Who couldn't, that knew the circumstances? However, compassion was the last thing Brian wanted. It was more than apparent that Brian wanted to go through the motions like today was just any other day. It wasn't, though. They knew that... and he knew Brian did too.

Three years ago Justin had been presumed dead. His body was never recovered from the ocean. Justin had been spending his final day in New York; his gallery exhibit was due to open in three weeks. He had been coming home for their wedding, then back to New York to finish preparations for his show. Brian had worked his schedule to be joining him for the duration. It had all been planned. However, fate had decreed otherwise. Justin had gone sailing with the gallery owner. They should have never gone out as far as they had with a storm due to move in quickly. The boat had been smashed up against the rocks, Justin's clothing and identification had been found... but not his body. There was no way he could have survived.

Ted remembered it vividly as if it were only yesterday. In all actuality, it felt like that. Brian and Justin had found that perfect place together. Michael had even accepted Justin's place in Brian's life. He had never thought it possible for Brian to change so much. It had been a miracle. The name of the miracle had been Justin Taylor.

Emmett wasn't one to provoke these all too present memories, at least, not so early in the day. Perhaps later when they were chilling at Woody's... definitely after Brian had a few drinks in him; now wasn't the time to raise this red flag. "Well... I'm off, darlings. I have a catering event to plan." Looking at them all quizzically, he asked, "See you at Woody's tonight?"

Each man looked at Brian for confirmation, all of them hopeful he would join them. Today of all days they always came together to keep him busy. Hopefully, Kinnetik took care of the daytime hours... The night was when he seemed to hurt the most. Seeing firsthand for so long the passion Brian had shared with Justin - it was understandable. Brian Kinney might lust after many men, but it didn't compare to the smoldering desire that had always been a constant with Justin. Whether Brian realized it or not, he had been fortunate to have known such a love. However, it was still tragic it had been lost.

Brian swore as each of them looked at him in response to Emmett's question, knowing he should have stuck with his initial instincts and stayed the fuck away from his friends today. It had been three fucking years. He wasn't about to collapse on the floor in front of them. If that was what they expected to see from him, they didn't know him at all. Any falling apart was always done in private; at least, when at all possible. He remembered back to the hospital corridor after Justin's bashing - he had cried in front of Michael. Ironically enough, it had been Michael and Ben that found him shortly after news of Justin's death reached him. Twice he had drastically fallen apart in front of Michael. He vowed there wouldn't be a third.

Standing to his feet, Brian gave each of them a glance that said - thank you for worrying, but stay the fuck out of my head. "Later..." he clipped out, noncommittal in his answer, yet stating unequivocally this conversation was over. Moving to the counter, Brian slapped a bill down on the counter, smiling tightly at Debbie, instantly realizing he needed to get away from her as well. Her eyes had been puffy since he arrived. He didn't need to be told she'd been crying much of the morning. "Keep the change," Brian told her in a raw voice.

He walked out the door, so lost in his private thoughts, he didn't hear it opening just as quickly behind him. Moving in the direction of his Vette, his back tensed when he felt a hand clasping around his upper arm. Turning to give the unwanted disturbance a scathing glance, Brian mentally groaned when he determined it was Debbie, with tears and pain in her eyes. "Debbie, don't... just f-fucking d-don't." Cursing aloud at the breakage in his voice, he glared at her, pissed beyond words that they wouldn't allow him to handle this day his own way.

"Sweetheart, we all love you. Don't pretend this day doesn't rip your fucking heart out. We all know it does. Just let us get you through it - in any way that you need." Debbie had always had Brian's number from day one. She doubted anyone understood him as well as she did. Hell, she practically took him in to raise. She would never understand the cruelty of fate. Justin had changed Brian's life. Now, he had regressed back to that cold place that had been his former existence. Only this time, it was worse. Before, he hadn't experienced the miracle of love. Now that he had, Brian knew what he had briefly held and then lost.

Brian looked away, refusing to fall apart in front of her; in particular, not directly in front of Liberty Diner for all of gay Pittsburgh to see. Pinching the bridge of his nose in between his fingers, Brian took in a deep breath, reminding himself of all the reasons he needed to stay composed. Emotional breakdowns were not a characteristic of Brian Kinney - now or ever. He wasn't about to start now. "Listen, Debbie. I know you mean well. I have to do this in my way... and right now, I need to get to work."

"Remember one thing, Brian. We all loved Sunshine. Losing him broke all of our hearts - not just yours. Sharing that loss is a way of keeping him alive in our hearts. It's our last chance of honoring him..."

"Yeah, there's a couple of problems with that. One, Justin is dead. He isn't ever coming back. There's nothing to keep alive now! And secondly... I don't want to fucking remember. Now, I'm going to work and live my life. I'd advise you to do the same..."

Debbie pursed her lips, shaking her head as Brian slipped into his car and pulled out into traffic, the speed of his acceleration heard far down the street. She jumped when Michael came up behind her, with censure in his eyes. "What?" she demanded, her irritation and concern for Brian only growing.

"You just can't leave it alone." Michael shook his head - back and forth. "Brian isn't like normal people; he never has been. You know that! He's handling it how he needs to handle it. Just let it be, Ma."

"That's the problem, Michael. He isn't handling it. He's still in denial... and I don't mean that he's denying Justin's death. This is far more serious. Brian is trying to pretend he doesn't care. If he doesn't start dealing with his pain, and the massive void Justin left in his life, he's on a path to self-destruction. If he does that, we might just lose him too."

Brian glared across his desk at his art team, his patience and irritation growing by their continued silence. "Well? Have you nothing to say about these substandard boards? The client is going to have my ass tomorrow..."

The two men looked at each other - neither of them knowing what to say. They had been clueless when summoned in here this morning. It was a good board - at least, they had thought so. It wasn't like Brian to rip their heads off without a good reason... However, that was exactly what was happening now. Looking in Cynthia's direction who was sitting in on the meeting, Steve was surprised when she didn't look at their boss in irritation - as she often did when he crossed the line - but watched him cautiously, and with deep concern in her eyes.

"My assistant is not going to have the answers to my questions, Steve!" He looked toward the more experienced artist. Immediately, he amended that thought. Right now, he didn't find either of them worthy of being deemed an artist. "Never mind. Both of you get back to the art department, and assemble something that has some spark of life in it!"

Not saying another word, the two men stood to their feet, scrambling for the boards and the door as quickly as possible. Each of them looked apologetically at Cynthia, both of them knowing she would be facing the lion now. When the door closed behind them, Brian glared at it, then at his assistant with impatience. "Those two are not to go anywhere until they come up with something acceptable."

Nodding, Cynthia moved closer to the desk, for once feeling uncertain about crossing the line. Typically, she told Brian how it was, and made no apologies for doing so. Today, she wasn't so sure. The boards hadn't been up to par, but they had been passable. It was ironic that Brian found the boards bland, and lacking life on today of all days. Perhaps that was how Brian would see everything today. Dead. "I think you were a bit hard on them. The boards really aren't that bad."

"Not that bad!?" he growled. "They hold the appeal of discount store wallpaper... not the representation for a new line of designer sportswear!"

"I'm sure they will make it more colorful... hopefully, that will be more pleasing for you." Cynthia wasn't sure how far to go with this. She just knew she needed to say something more. "Brian... I'm sure they won't look as bad tomorrow. How about I clear your afternoon? I'm sure there are other things you would prefer to be doing today."

Brian's back stiffened, his eyes stabbing coldly into ones that had known him for many years. In the office, she always knew what he would do next, how he would respond in any given situation. As an assistant, she complimented his office better than anyone else could. There wasn't a doubt that she knew what hounded him today. However, verbal admission of that would lead to her wanting to be a woman and talking to him about it. That was the last thing he wanted or intended to do. "I won't be going anywhere until I see completed, acceptable boards - whether that is an hour from now or another eight more."

Cynthia groaned. Eight hours? They would never survive it. How she hated this day... and for so many reasons. In her own way, she had loved Justin too. He was always filled with such a bright hope and a smile that never failed to engage. When he left for New York, the office somehow felt empty. His exuberant presence just pulled everything together. She couldn't imagine the pain Brian felt, although, knowing him as she did, she realized he was still tormented. From what she could see, Brian still wasn't dealing with his incredible loss. Until he did, everyone would suffer for it, Brian most of all. "Can I get you anything?" She bit her lip uncertainly. "Do anything?"

"All you can do is take your pity and your good intentions out of my office, and go do your fucking job!" Brian forced himself to look away when Cynthia flinched in response. He shouldn't have said that, but he didn't do apologies... nor regrets. Well, he had always said that he didn't. There wasn't a doubt he had one regret, perhaps more than one. They all centered around Justin and the choices that he wished he could have made to change the events of three years ago. His eyes clouded over as renewed pain hit him again. He wouldn't think about that now. There was no point... not now or ever.

Backing away, knowing nothing good would come of her attempts to reach out, Cynthia all but collided into the person on the other side of Brian's door. She gave Brian's visitor a look of warning, before she mumbled, "Now might not be the best of times, Jennifer."

With an understanding look on her face, Jennifer grimly acknowledged, "I doubt there will be one today. But I'd really like to talk to Brian - if he isn't too busy."

Brian rolled his eyes. He wanted this day to end. Each moment only got worse. Now, he had to deal with Justin's mother. He wasn't sure how to go about handling that. "Let her in," Brian grudgingly offered. In his mind - the sooner he got this over, the better he would feel. "Good luck..." Cynthia whispered, before leaving Jennifer alone in the lion's den, hoping with very minimal hope that Jennifer would somehow get through to him. Right now, she found such a likelihood nonexistent.

Jennifer smiled reassuringly at Cynthia before she departed, her steps carrying her slowly over to Brian. When he motioned for her to have a seat, she sat down uneasily, the stiffness of her movements falling in line with her profound anxiety. "How are you, Brian?"

"Didn't you get the memo? I'm fucking amazing..." Brian's tone was filled with sarcasm. Right now, he was doing all he could to maintain an even tone. A breakdown was inevitably coming, but he vowed it would be done so on his terms - and without a doubt, he would be alone.

"Brian, everyone is worried about you." Jennifer knew she had just admitted that she had been urged into this visit. Right now, though, that didn't matter. Results were all that really did. "It's time to let go."

His eyes flickered over her in disbelief. How could Justin's mother say that? She should be every bit as devastated as him... perhaps even more so. He couldn't imagine how he would feel on such a day if it were Gus. Letting go would be the last outlet for him. Anger, bitterness, and the need to take it out on the world would be more prevalent. Much the same as he felt about Justin. "I am moving on with life." He waved his hand around his office. "As you can clearly see..."

"No. You are going through the motions. Neither moving on or letting go." Tears shimmered in Jennifer's eyes. "Justin wouldn't want this, Brian. Knowing that you loved him was all that he ever cared about. I never understood how he could handle the other men, but he had come to terms with that. He had your heart. That meant the world to him."

Brian had no response for that. Justin still had his heart. That would never change. A blank expression on his face, Brian stonily retorted, "Listen, you can go back and tell Debbie that you tried, but that I decided to remain an uncaring asshole."

Jennifer shrewdly eyed the man that should have been her son-in-law. She had told him that on more than one occasion. Despite how Brian's relationship had started with her son, she had ended up realizing that he would be the only man that could ever make Justin happy. Slight as it was, her only comfort was in knowing that Justin had been aware of Brian's love for him before he died. Now, all she could do was get through this tragedy that they each shared every day of their lives. "I'm not only here on Debbie's behalf. There was something I wanted to run by you; I think it's time."

"What is it?" Brian clipped out, hoping whatever it was would lead to the end of this visit.

"You've had your house closed up for years now." She leveled a hard look on the man that she knew would rebel against her suggestion... yet, thinking this would be the best thing for him now. "I think it's time to put it on the market. I'd be glad to assist you with that."

Sell Britin? The home he had bought for Justin? He could still see the brightness of Justin's smile when he'd first shown it to him... leading up to Justin accepting his proposal. That house was Justin's dream. How could he sell it? Brian's voice was raw when he spoke, "Jennifer, I know you mean well, but I can't do that."

Jennifer blinked, unable to hold back the tears that had been threatening since she arrived. There had been something in Brian's voice that she couldn't quite define. Was it desperation? Was he so lost that he felt the need to hold onto the house? She wasn't sure. All she knew was that Brian clearly wasn't ready. She began to wonder if he ever would be. Standing up, she sighed deeply. She hadn't accomplished anything in this visit, and yet, she felt she discovered so much more about Brian. Perhaps more than Brian wanted her to see.

Brian was still holding onto everything he could grasp that tied him to Justin. He was still in love with her son, and his heart was undeniably broken. Everyone always said time heals all wounds. It hadn't healed her own shattered heart, although time did ease some of the pain. Nothing had eased for Brian. Debbie had been right to be so concerned. Brian's denial and his inability to let Justin go was pushing him into a dark, and cold place. Should he continue to follow that path, she wasn't sure the man Justin had so fiercely loved would ever find his way back.