The moment Brian stepped into the loft, Justin felt the cold place warming. He almost said "Fuck it!" to all the thinking he'd done in the past few hours. Being alone in Brian's loft forced him to make some life-changing decisions. All Justin hoped for was that Brian would listen to him, understand his needs, and agree to the new terms for their relationship.

Justin's eyes followed Brian as he walked into the kitchen, and he had a flashback from the first time he'd been there. He remembered the way Brian poured water on his head, before shaking it and fixing him with that hungry look. He was scared back then, and didn't feel much different at the moment. His stomach churned with nerves—another kind of nerves, though.

"The club was packed tonight," Brian commented.

"That's nice."

"All the way around the block," Brian boasted.

"Great." Justin didn't care about Babylon at the moment.

"Barely any room on the dance floor."

"Whatever else happens, by all means keep on dancing."

"What about you, dear? How was your evening?" Brian asked conversationally and slightly sarcastic.

"Not nearly as exciting as yours. I spent it here—alone…thinking. And don't say 'always a dangerous sign'," Justin warned, walking to his lover.

Brian made the universal sign of zipping his mouth.

"I made some decisions," the blond proclaimed.

"About what?"

"My life."

"Oh." Brian watched his partner apprehensively.

"What I want," Justin explained.

"I thought you'd already worked that out. You're gonna live off your considerable Hollywood wealth… and try your hand at being an artist."

Justin was insulted by Brian's words. "Why are you making fun of me?"

"I'm not making fun. You're making me fucking nervous as hell. Just tell me what you want…what you've decided." He was worried of what his lover had decided. Brian knew all too well what Justin wanted, but he hoped this was about something else. In hopes to steer him away from talking, something he detested—speaking about his feelings—he added quickly, "We can go to bed. Fuck."

Justin rolled his eyes. "You already know what I want. I've already told you."

Sighing, Brian nodded. "That's right. You have. Heh… A husband. A family. A home. All the things that make life worth living." He sneered. He never wanted any of these things, and he wasn't going to change that for his blond boy ass.

"Would you fucking cut it out? Just stop it." Justin reached his limit with Brian's way of speaking of the things he didn't agree with, not caring about what others thought. He'd hoped Brian would be amiable to at least talk about it, without making a face or joking about what Justin truly expected from a relationship.

Brian widened his eyes, silently allowing his lover to keep on prattling about his desires.

"And I know you can't give me those things," the blond explained in an almost soothing voice.

"Not can't. Can't implies that I'm incapable. It's that I won't."

"I accept that. I suppose it's why I've always loved you." Brian had always been stubborn and set in his ways—good or bad, it was one of the qualities Justin admired in him. His 'no apologizes, no regrets' attitude made him a successful business man and the most sought after guy on Liberty Avenue.

Brian scoffed. "Oh. The untamable beast," he murmured.

Justin went on, "But to be a couple, both people have to want the same things. To move in the same direction. If they can't or won't…they really have nowhere to go."

Brian looked surprised Justin actually uttered the words. The conversation was starting to truly freak him out. "Probably not," he admitted.

"Then why are we still doing this if we both know it's never gonna work?" Justin asked, hopelessly.

"Damn if I know." Brian seemed disinterested, though he was anything but that.

After staring at his boyfriend for a while, Justin grabbed his already packed bags, ready to leave. It was as if he knew their conversation wouldn't lead anywhere. Truthfully, Justin didn't even expect a real conversation when Brian was involved.

Brian realized Justin was indeed leaving and walked to him, not sure why his legs carried him to his blond boy. As they hugged, it crashed over him—they were over. He was never going to have Justin again. It made him grasp him tighter, not ready to let him go. Brian knew he'd never sacrifice so much for Justin, even though he cared for him more than he did for even Michael, but he wouldn't go down that road—monogamy, marriage, family.

"Where are you going?" he asked when Justin moved out of their hug.

"I'll figure it out." Justin shrugged, walking to the door with his duffel bag over his shoulder.

Brian looked at him sadly. "Let me know."

~o~

Justin paid the cabbie, taking his duffel bag and stepping out of the car. He watched the yellow vehicle rolling down the street, before sighing heavily.

He'd done the impossible—he'd left Brian Kinney. Justin had a feeling that this time was for good, forever. The mere thought of living without Brian made him almost regret his decision, but a sane part of his brain reminded him he was better off without the hardheaded prick. Justin was aware Brian cared for him, but was too proud to admit it to himself, let alone anyone else.

The blond boy, man actually—he'd never been a boy, not even when he was seventeen, always more mature than his age—walked to his friends' door and rang the doorbell. It was late, he knew as much, but he couldn't think of another place to be, other than Michael and Ben's.

They had everything he wanted, and then some. He'd never have that with Brian.

The door opened to reveal a bleary-eyed Michael. His hair was mussed up and he wore only pajama bottoms.

"Justin?" Michael asked, rubbing at his eye.

"I'm so sorry. It's late, I know, but I couldn't think of any other place…"

Michael noticed the duffel bag, then met Justin's blue eyes. He stepped aside, allowing the blond inside his house. "What has he done now?"

"Nothing."

Huffing, the dark-haired man locked up, before taking his friend to the couch. "Rephrasing: why did he kick you out?"

"He didn't."

"Justin, when will you stop taking his side?"

"I'm not. It's the truth. I left," Justin said quietly, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. "I thought he'd change, but that will never happen."

"Did he say anything? Do anything? What made you leave? It's not like you to give up," Michael insisted, seeming more alert.

As much as he didn't like Justin in the beginning, the boy had grown on him. Michael knew all about unrequited love when it came to Brian, but with Justin, everyone believed it would be different. And it was. Brian's closest friends had read him from the start, and as stubborn as he wanted to be, he couldn't fool them. They knew Brian loved Justin, even though he wasn't capable of saying the words. He'd shown it plenty of times.

Justin sighed. "He didn't do anything, that's the thing! He's never home, he works too much, spends his nights at Babylon, and when he finally returns home, all he wants to do is fuck or avoid talking, which in his book turns into fucking." He was anguished for failing their relationship. "I thought we'd go back to what we had before I left to Hollywood, but it's like the beginning, only worse."

"You can't judge him so harshly. You left, and every time we talked to you, you'd stay longer in LA."

"He never visited, and he promised!"

"He thought you left for good. He was sure you weren't returning!" Michael shouted, exasperated.

"That's bullshit."

"It's the truth, Justin. Look, if you haven't figured out by now how fragile his trust in people is, then I don't know if you ever will!"

"We've been there, done that before, when I returned to him after making the biggest fucking mistake of my life. We've never been as happy as the time after…after…Ethan. Then Hollywood happened."

"What exactly happened tonight, if you don't mind me asking?" Michael stared at his sad friend.

"I was left alone for too long, and I did some thinking. We want different things, and staying together for the only thing we both want—something we can easily get in the backroom of Babylon—isn't the best reason to keep our relationship. It was already hanging by a thread. I cut it tonight. I freed him, and myself."

Michael gasped, too shocked to speak for a good minute. "You mean, there's no chance for you two to ever get back together? Justin…"

Justin raised his head and met Michael's eyes. "Unless Brian suffers a drastic change of heart and wants the same things as me…" At Michael's silent urging, he went to explain what he wanted. "You know what I want—marriage, a family, wedding, love. Brian won't give me any of these things."

Michael could only imagine the state his best friend was in, most likely heartbroken and pushing away the unwelcomed feeling. He wondered what it would take for him to admit how much he loved Justin.

"You can stay here—in Hunter's room," Michael told Justin, rubbing his back.

"Thank you." It wasn't simple gratitude for letting him crash under their roof, but also for listening and understanding him.

~o~

The following night, Justin was laying on the bed in Hunter's room, staring at the ceiling. The full moon illuminated enough for him to see around, but he kept his eyes fixed on the ceiling, his arms linked behind his head.

He wondered what Brian was doing.

Was he at home? Unlikely.

Was he at Babylon? Probably.

Getting high or drunk or both? A high possibility.

Getting his brains fucked in the backroom? Definitely.

Thinking of Justin? He liked to think Brian wouldn't forget him, and that he'd be on his mind so much and so frequently, their last conversation repeating in his brain, until he realized he needed Justin in his life.

It was nice to dream of a parallel universe where Brian would be the perfect boyfriend, even husband. They'd be happy, married and so in love…

Loud and persistent knocking jerked Justin from his beautiful dream. He tried to settle his heart as he heard someone making their way down the stairs. It was probably Ben, since he had heavier footsteps.

"I'm coming! Okay. Okay. Stop already," Ben muttered as he pulled the door open. He came face to face with a drunken Brian. "Brian!"

"Excellent, professor! You recognize the subject and can identify him by name."

Justin's heart jumped to his throat when he heard Brian's voice. He was there for him. Jumping to his feet, he padded to his door, but stopped when he heard a commotion and screaming from downstairs.

"I wanna see your wife. Where is the little woman? I mean husband."

"If you're referring to Michael…"

"Who the fuck else would I be referring to?"

"He's asleep." Ben tried to stay calm, but his patience was wearing thin with the insolent asshole in their house.

"Rouse him! Wake him up! Michael, you get your ass down here!" Brian shouted so loud it made Justin jump. He'd never heard him so angry, so out of control. Sure, Brian had shouted at him, but never with so much hate in his voice.

"You'd better go." Ben was still trying to reason with an inebriated Brian.

"I'm not going anywhere," Brian demanded. "MICHAEL!"

"No, I said you're leaving. Get your drunken ass out of my house."

Michael climbed down the stairs, yawning. He'd hoped Ben would reason with Brian, but that wasn't the case, apparently. "Ben, it's okay. I'll handle it. Just go to bed."

Once Brian and Michael were alone, Brian rounded on his friend.

"Well, Mikey... Congratulations!"

"For what?"

"You won. To the spoiler goes the victory."

Justin creaked his door open to hear better.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't. No one plays dewy-eyed innocent better than you. Although, at 34, you're getting a bit long in the tooth for short pants."

"Speaking of outgrowing your act... nothing's more pathetic, to use one of your favorite words, than an over-the-hill club boy."

Justin had never heard them fight that way. Sure, Brian and Michael had their fallouts, but they had never spat such hurtful words at each other.

"You infected him with your petty, bourgeois, mediocre, conformist, assimilationist life! Thanks to you, he's got visions: babies, weddings, white picket fences dancing in his blond little head."

Justin couldn't believe his ears. Brian was there because of him, but for all the wrong reasons. He thought it was Michael's fault they broke up.

"And you think I put them there?" Michael took the words out of Justin's head.

"Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks, he was perfectly happy! And now he's a defector just like the rest of you!"

"He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say 'I love you, you're the only one I want'!"

"That's not who I am!" Brian shouted so loud he got hoarse.

It brought tears to Justin's eyes. Brian just proved he wasn't capable of love.

"Don't we all know?" Michael retorted, angrily.

Justin thought the storm was over. He decided to head downstairs and face Brian. Michael shouldn't fight his battles.

Brian's loud, obnoxious voice stopped him at the top of the stairs. He felt like a child listening in on his parents fighting.

"And now he's here in your house..." He gesticulated wildly.

"It's a home." Michael chose to point that out.

"It's a farce! It's a freak show!" Brian's hoarse voice spat the words venomously. It made Justin cringe, and understand how against the whole "settling down" thing Brian was, how opposed to that lesbianic act he was.

Michael stood his ground. "Call it what you want, I honestly don't care. But he didn't leave because I 'infected' him. He left because of you. Who wouldn't?"

A deafening silence settled in the house. Justin saw Brian storming out. He knew both him and Michael had lost him, possibly forever.

"You heard everything, didn't you?" Michael asked, walking up the stairs.

Justin gave him a sheepish smile. "He wasn't exactly quiet."

"I've never seen him so out of control. He was stoned out of his mind, drunk and hurt—the worst possible scenario."

"Do you think he's going to be okay? What if he has an accident?" Justin bit his lip, worried. He had half the mind to run after Brian.

"I don't give a fuck! For me, he's as good as dead."

"How can you say that? He's your best friend!" Justin was scandalized. Brian had truly managed to upset his long-time friend.

"After treating me like shit for growing up, settling down, falling in love, and doing what everyone else does... I don't care if he doesn't believe in love or marriage or commitment. I do. You do," he reminded the blond boy. "So don't pity him. He's not capable to feel love."

Justin knew Brian could love him, only if he let go of his prejudices.