Chapter 13

Once he had made his way upstairs, Justin stopped, wondering if he should check on Gus or Brian first. Knowing that Brian probably wouldn’t be ready to talk to him yet anyway, he decided to check on Gus first and headed straight for his bedroom. Once outside the door, he gently knocked.

“Hey, it’s me,” he said as he opened the door slightly. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” was the quiet reply from his son and Justin was glad that he had at least gotten a reply at all. At least Gus was talking which he took as a good sign.

He slowly walked over to Gus’ bed where he found his son lying on top of it, staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes. He sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out a hand to push a strand of hair out of Gus’ face.

“I won’t ask you if you’re okay,” he started quietly, looking at the young man from sad eyes. “I know you’re not.”

Gus just shrugged but didn’t look away. “I am fine.”

“No, you’re not and it’s okay not to be fine after what just happened,” Justin said quietly.

“What happened? What was that?” Gus asked, slowly sitting up and resting his back against some pillows, so he could look more easily at Justin.

“Hell, if I know,” Justin sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“I knew she didn’t care about me, I mean, how else could she have just left like that, but… to know that she also doesn’t care about Jenny…”

“I know,” Justin agreed, meeting Gus’ gaze. “And I know that she cared about you once… She loved you, Gus. I know that she did at one point, but… she changed.”

Gus rolled his eyes, making it obvious what he thought of Justin’s reply.

“I know it doesn’t seem that way, but she wasn’t always like this,” Justin said quietly. “When I got to know her, she actually loved you. And when she was pregnant with Jenny, she seemed happy enough to be a mother.”

“So what made her change?”

“Life,” Justin shrugged. “Everything that happened with your mother, your Dad and Luke… I mean, she has never been a particularly loving and warm person, but from what I can tell, she shut down completely after that and that’s when she really changed.”

“But it wasn’t Jenny’s fault or even my fault,” Gus exclaimed angrily. “Why would she punish us for what Lindsay did?”

“I am not sure she even realised that that’s what happened,” Justin replied honestly, then took Gus’ hand and squeezed it. “My guess is as good as anyone else’s at this point, Gus. I just know that she used to be a different person to who she seems to be now. I know that there used to be a time when she loved you and Jenny, but… to be honest with you, she was never the most maternal person to begin with. Even then she was focused on her career. She loved you and Jenny, but… she was never the stay at home type of mother that would have been happy raising kids all day long. She wanted the career and I think she just wanted to prove that she could do it all, you know? The career, the family, having children herself…”

Gus seemed to ponder what Justin had said for a couple of minutes, then took a deep breath. “Is that why she hates Dad so much? Because he was able to do it all?”

Justin actually had to chuckle, before he turned more serious. “She already hated your Dad long before you or Jenny were born. From what I know, she hated him pretty much the whole time she was with Lindsay. If you ask me, I think she was jealous of him…”

“Of Dad?”

“He had the career. I mean, nothing like now with Kinnetik, but even back then he was already a very successful ad exec on his way to becoming partner. He had money, was successful, everybody wanted him or wanted to be him. He lived his life without apologies and regrets. He was out, was unapologetic and even despite all that, Lindsay still loved him. In Melanie’s eyes probably even more than she loved her. I think she wanted to be like him, but never had the guts to go for it.”

“Why did she agree to him being my father?” Gus asked, looking at Justin from sad eyes. “If she hated him that much, why didn’t she say no?”

Justin shrugged. “She tried, but Lindsay was insistent that Brian would be the father or no one. She wanted your Dad and no one else and at the time Melanie couldn’t have children herself, so the only way for her to prove to everyone that she could do it all was to accept that it would be your Dad or no one.”

“That’s a pretty shitty reason for agreeing to have someone be the father of your child.”

“And it always caused tension between her and your Dad and Lindsay. I never understood why Lindsay even suggested it, but I guess at the time we didn’t see the truth for what it was.”

“That she was crazy?” Gus frowned, not sure he followed.

“That she was so in love with your father that she was willing to do all these crazy things to bind him to her,” Justin said sadly, his voice low.

“Great, so my mother only wanted to have me so my father would mysteriously fall in love with her even though he is gay and she is a lesbian?”

Justin could hear the agitation in Gus’ voice and sighed. “Gus…”

“That’s it though, isn’t it? That’s the reason she had me…”

“She had you, because she wanted a child and wanted to be a mother.”

“And was hoping that Dad would somehow forget that he was gay and would end up with her? That’s so fucked up…” Gus angrily slammed his fist into one of his pillows.

“I am sorry, Gus. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Justin shook his head as he ran a hand up and down his son’s arm.

“I guess Melanie was right about one thing,” Gus muttered dejectedly as he sank down into his pillows, turned around and buried his head in them. “The truth does hurt.”

Justin watched Gus as he cried into the pillow and leaned over, hugging him as well as he could with Gus’ current position. “Gus, I am sorry… I know it seems that way, but… you know that your Dad and I have always loved you. And even though it doesn’t seem that way, your moms did, too at one point.”

Gus continued crying for several minutes and Justin tried to console him as well as he could. When Gus calmed down a bit, Justin gently turned him around so that he was lying on his back and looking at Justin.

“Honey, I know it hurts now, but you have a big family that loves you. So many people that love you for the great person that you are. Don’t let her win by taking that away from you. Your mothers might not have been the mothers they should have been to you but you were always loved by your Dad and me.”

Gus nodded, looking at Justin from wet eyes. “I know,” he said quietly, before he leaned over and hugged his father. “And you’re nothing like her, no matter what she says.”

Justin hugged Gus back and held him tight. They stayed locked in their embrace for the longest time before Justin pulled back and looked at Gus sadly. “Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean that I was always the father you deserved or needed.”

“I know that wasn’t your fault,” Gus whispered, knowing that Justin was referring to the years when he hadn’t been in his life. Years that he knew Justin had been out of his life because of his mother’s and father’s actions, not because of his own will. “You were always there when you could and you always loved me, no matter what.”

“I still do,” Justin said, his voice full of emotion. “I love you, Gus. And it breaks my heart to know that you’re hurting right now. If I could, I would make her pay for that.”

“And leave nothing for Dad?” Gus joked and he was glad when Justin actually chuckled in reaction. “We will make her pay by helping Jenny to stay away from her, won’t we?”

“Yes, we will. We will meet with the lawyer on Monday and will see what we can do about Jenny’s custody,” Justin agreed, nodding emphatically.

“Good,” Gus nodded as well, before he sat up in a more comfortable position. “I don’t want her to go back to that woman.”

“No one wants that, Gus,” Justin said, adjusting his position as well, so he was sitting more comfortably. “Your Dad and I will do whatever we can to make sure she can stay here with her family.”

“How is she?” Gus suddenly asked, his eyes widening as if he had just remembered her. “Shit, she must have been so upset and I just ran off and left her alone.”

“Don’t worry, Grandma Debs stayed with her. She is upset, but I think she will be fine… More than anything she seemed sorry that she had brought Melanie back into our lives and she was scared that you would now hate her for bringing her back into your life.”

“What? No,” Gus immediately exclaimed. “I could never hate her. It’s not her fault that Melanie is such a bitch.”

“I know, which is what I told her as well. I am sure she would also love to hear it from you though,” Justin said gently, looking at his son. “She went to her room and wanted to be alone for a bit.”

“Do you think she will want to speak to me?” Gus frowned, not quite sure if he should leave her alone or go to her and talk to her.

“I don’t know, but why don’t you go and check? If she doesn’t, I am sure she will let you know and you can talk later. Maybe talking to you will be just what she needs though.”

“And you, are you okay?” Gus now asked, looking at his father in concern. “I know that she said some things…”

“I am fine, Gus. Don’t worry about me. Nothing she says matters to me. What matters to me are you, your siblings, your Dad. As long as I know that my family is okay and loves me and that I love them, I don’t care what she thinks about me.”

“I love you,” Gus said sincerely, resting his head on Justin’s shoulder. “And I know that you love me and always have…As has Dad.”

“Then that’s all that matters to me,” Justin whispered, holding Gus close.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, before Gus headed for Jenny’s room and Justin headed for the master bedroom, knowing that that’s where he would find Brian.

This time he didn’t knock and just entered the room. He frowned when he saw that the bed was empty, having expected to find Brian there.

When he looked around the room, he found his husband standing at the window, hugging himself as he looked outside.

“Hey… Are you okay?” He asked quietly as he made his way over and wrapped his arms around Brian’s waist, resting his head against the strong back of the man he loved more than anything.

“I was so close to hitting her,” Brian said, his voice hardly above a whisper. “She made me that fucking angry.”

“I know,” Justin murmured, rubbing his hands over Brian’s chest gently. He couldn’t help but smile when he felt one of Brian’s hands reach for his own. “She made me fucking furious as well.”

“I’ve never hit a woman, but I would have hit her,” Brian went on as if Justin hadn’t spoken. “And I wouldn’t have felt bad about it.”

“Brian,” Justin said, tightening his embrace around his husband’s torso. “Don’t let her get to you… She has no power over you, over us…”

“The way she talked to Gus… How dare she? And what she said about you…”

Justin could hear the anger in Brian’s voice and while he felt angry himself, he knew that it was nothing compared to how Brian felt. Because on top of everything else, Justin knew without a doubt that Brian wasn’t only angry with her but also with himself.

“It’s nothing she didn’t say to me before when I went to see her last week,” Justin sighed, slowly loosening his embrace and moving around Brian’s tense body, so he could look at him as he spoke. “I don’t care what she thinks about me or us. She doesn’t know shit…”

After a couple of seconds Brian’s eyes went down and his gaze met Justin’s. “How are you not more upset about this?”

“I am upset,” Justin said, taking Brian’s hand and leading him over to their bed where he sat down with him. “The way she spoke to Gus… The way she acted like she is so superior to all of us when we all know how she left him…It made me angry as hell, but… most of all it made me sad because I knew… because I could see how much her words were hurting you and Gus…”

When Brian didn’t reply and just hung his head, Justin pulled him closer and made him rest his head on his shoulder.

“Don’t beat yourself up about what she said… Please… We know the truth. You know the truth. You are a great father and Gus, Luke, Vicky and I love you more than anything in this world. She knows nothing about our family, she doesn’t know what we went through, what we made it through to get here… She has no idea which is why her words have no impact. Don’t give them more power than they have.”

“Easier said than done,” Brian whispered, his voice sad, but still full of anger. “I can’t help it.”

“Because you’re a good man… I bet she doesn’t even remember half of what was said to her and cares even less about our opinions, but here you are, listening to her hurtful words and thinking about whether or not they might be true.”

“You are unbelievable, do you know that?” Brian sounded amused despite the seriousness of their conversation and pulled back to look at Justin from shining eyes.

“Isn’t that usually my line?” Justin chuckled as well, looking right into Brian’s hazel eyes, his own dancing with mischief. He gently pushed Brian down onto the bed and rested his head on his husband’s chest, cuddling into him, happy when Brian’s arms went around him and held him tight.

Justin was glad that Brian himself had lifted the heavy mood a bit with his comment and he was only too happy to go along with it. Over the years they had talked about what had happened with Luke and the circumstances surrounding his birth and the years after and while they had never been easy conversations and while Justin knew that Brian still carried around an immense weight of guilt for what he had done back then, with time it had become easier for them to talk about it. They had both learned to deal with their past and to accept it as part of who they were as a couple as well as individually. It had taken hard work and lots of patience, but they had learned to accept the past as a part of their history and had learned to deal with it when it reared its ugly head which it didn’t as often anymore as it used to in the beginning of their new relationship. By now they would sometimes go months, even years without talking about what had happened and when it became a topic between them for whatever reason, they knew how to deal with it and had learned to talk about it.

And just to see Brian trying to lift the mood while they were talking about this topic showed Justin more than anything how far they had come as a family and the two of them as a couple.

“Only you would still go and call me a good man after what I did,” Brian said seriously, tightening his grip around Justin’s body.

Justin gently ran his hands over Brian’s torso as he spoke. “Because I know you. The real you. I know that you’re trying to hide it very well at times, but deep down you are a good man, Brian Kinney-Taylor. And I wouldn’t have married you if you weren’t.”

“Lucky me,” Brian whispered, placing a gentle kiss on the blond mop of hair he loved so much.

“And don’t you forget it,” Justin gave right back, raising his head so he could meet Brian’s gaze. “Don’t let what she said get to you. She doesn’t know shit about us, about you… She can only dream of ever being half as good a parent as you are.”

Before Brian could reply to what Justin had said, they heard a knock on the door.

“Dad? Papa? Are you decent?” They heard the voice of Luke who had apparently been the one to knock.

Justin rolled his eyes as he slowly lifted himself up. “Yes, of course we are.”

Brian sat up as well, frowning at Justin as Luke slowly entered the room. “To be fair, it was probably smart to ask first.”

Justin shook his head, then focused on their son who was looking at them curiously.

“You are back early,” he said, noticing that there was still light outside.

“It started raining, so…,” Luke shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. “What happened here? Grandma Deb and Grandpa Carl are downstairs, looking serious as hell… And no one else is around. Where is everyone? When I asked Grandma, she said I should go looking for you.”

Justin sighed, then looked at Brian who just nodded slightly. They were both in agreement that Luke had a right to know what had happened and also needed to know.

“Jenny’s mother has been here this afternoon,” Justin said, looking at Luke’s concerned face. “And it didn’t go well.”

“Where is Jenny? She didn’t have to go back with her, did she?” Luke immediately rushed out, looking from his Dad to his Papa and back.

“No, she’s still here,” Brian immediately calmed his son’s worries. “Everyone has just been really upset after that visit… Melanie… she said some things… I think everyone just needed a bit of a break to calm down once she left.”

Luke nodded, still looking concerned. “And Jenny? And Gus? Are they okay?”

Brian looked to Justin, realising that he didn’t really have an answer. When Justin replied, he listened intently as well.

“Not really, but they will be… They were both really upset, but with some time and love and support, I know they will be okay,” Justin said, answering both Luke’s as well as Brian’s concern.

“Where are they?” Luke asked next, ready to go looking for them right away.

“Gus was in his room, but he wanted to go and check in on Jenny. She was particularly upset and worried…And she said she needed some time alone to work through what has happened earlier.”

“Is she in her room?”

Justin nodded. “That’s where she went, yeah.”

“Do you think she would like me to talk to her? Try and comfort her?” Luke asked, now suddenly sounding very unsure and much younger than his 15 years.

Justin smiled gently at his son. “I am sure she could do with some comfort from a friendly face, but don’t pressure her… if she doesn’t want to talk, leave her be.”

“Okay,” Luke nodded, looking at both his fathers. “Are you okay?” He asked next, once again looking from one to the other. “I know you don’t like her mother much either.”

“That’s the understatement of the year,” Brian muttered darkly, before taking a deep breath. He rested his hand on Justin’s thigh and gave it a squeeze. “We’re fine. Don’t worry about us.”

Luke nodded, seeing that his fathers looked exhausted and slightly downcast, but mostly okay. “I’ll go check on Jenny and Gus.”

Both Brian and Justin nodded and watched after Luke as he left their bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“He’s a good boy,” Brian said at the same time Justin said “We need to tell him and Gus.”

They eyed each other for the longest time before Brian sighed. He knew what Justin was talking about, he knew that Justin meant telling them the truth about what had happened all those years ago and more than that he knew that Justin was right.

They had always said that they would be honest and wouldn’t keep what had happened a secret from their children. They had always said that they would tell them the truth once they were old enough and while Gus had probably already figured out most of the truth for himself, both from his memory of already being ten years old when Justin had returned from New York as well as from picking up bits and pieces of conversation around him, they weren’t so sure about Luke. Luke had only been five years when Justin had returned from New York and had never really asked many questions about the time Justin hadn’t been in his life. Maybe it was because he had still been so young or maybe because he wasn’t ready yet to ask those questions, but fact was that neither Gus nor Luke had ever asked about that time. They just seemed to have accepted that Justin had been gone for a while and had then come back and become a part of their family. And ever since they had been happy as a family.

“Sunshine,” Brian started, but was stopped by Justin right away who looked at him seriously.

“You heard what she said today. You heard what she told Gus about me not being in his life. However this might end, she will cause more trouble and she will tell more lies or the truth as she sees it. I don’t want them to hear those lies from her and maybe start believing them because we didn’t tell them the truth. They should hear it from us, Brian,” Justin said, his voice full of determination.

“You’re right,” Brian said quietly, plopping back down onto the bed, covering his face with his arm. “I know that you are. That doesn’t make it any easier though…”

“I know,” Justin said, leaning back as well and looking at Brian’s face with concern in his eyes. “If it were up to me, I’d say why stir up the hornet’s nest, but I don’t trust her, Brian. And I don’t want her to hurt you and them any more than she already did.”

Brian moved his arm away and looked up at Justin from sad yet determined eyes. “So instead we do it ourselves.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, leaning down to rest his chin on Brian’s chest. “It will be fine.”

“You don’t know that, Sunshine. Just because you forgave me doesn’t mean they will as well.”

“No, I don’t know that, but I know them and I know how much they love you and that they know what a good father you have been to them all these years. Yes, they will be hurt and yes, it might cause tension, but in the long run, I’d rather have them hear the truth from us than from her. I am sure that with time they will understand it. And… maybe it won’t even matter. I am pretty sure Gus has figured most of what has happened out by now and he never said anything or got angry with you. He loves you because he knows that you’ve always been there for him,” Justin said quietly.

He could understand why Brian would be afraid of that particular conversation. Admitting your biggest regret in life in front of your children, admitting you weren’t the hero they considered you to be and that you weren’t the person they thought you were and were looking up to wasn’t easy by any means and he could understand why Brian was so worried. He was as well.

“It’s not Gus I am worried about,” Brian muttered, before he shook his head. “But I know that you’re right and that we should control the conversation instead of letting her control it.”

“Luke will be fine. It might take some time, but at the end of the day, you have always been a great father to him and he knows that you love him more than anything. Yes, he will be hurt and maybe even angry, but… I know that we’ll be fine. We’ve made it through worse.” Justin then leaned up and gave Brian a gentle kiss. “I love you, Brian.”

“I love you and your big heart and your neverending optimism,” Brian whispered as he kissed Justin back.

“My big heart isn’t the only big thing you love about me,” Justin then joked, his eyes dancing with mischief.

He was relieved when Brian actually went for his poor attempt to lighten the mood and a couple of minutes later the dreaded conversation was off their minds if only for a few minutes. Minutes which they spent exploring that other big thing that Brian loved so much about Justin – his big cock.