Chapter 17

“I thought you might have fallen asleep yourself,” Justin said when he heard the door to his studio open, but he didn't turn around, knowing that it would be Brian who had come to get him just as Justin had asked him to. “Did it take this long for her to fall asleep?”

When he didn't get a reply, Justin frowned and turned around. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Gus standing in the doorway of the studio. “Gus... I... I thought you were your father.”

“It's just me,” Gus replied quietly, before he took a step back and made to turn around. “I'll come back later when you're done in here.”

“Gus,” Justin started, but stopped when he saw how his son's shoulders tensed when he addressed him. It broke his heart to see Gus' reaction to him and it made him sad more than anything. They had used the studio together so many times before, had worked side by side so many times before and now Gus apparently couldn't even stand to be in the same room as him anymore. “I am nearly done. I was just cleaning up anyway. Stay. You can already get started. I'll be out of here in five minutes.”

“I don't want to talk,” Gus said, squaring his shoulders as he looked up and met Justin's gaze.

“I understand,” Justin nodded, looking at him sadly. “We don't have to. I'll just finish cleaning up and I'll be out of here,” he said as he took the brushes he was holding over to the sink and started cleaning them.

He heard Gus move into the room and could feel him move over to what had become his corner of the studio over the years.

Once it had become clear that Gus loved art and was incredibly talented, he had come to the studio with Justin lots of times and they had worked on many things together, Justin giving Gus advice whenever it was needed or he asked for it. The older Gus had gotten, the more he had created his own space in Justin's studio and Justin had let him. He had loved watching Gus set up in his own little corner and had loved just watching as he created his own beautiful art. They had worked together in perfect silence so many times before and it had always made Justin happy. Not like now when the silence between them pressed heavily on his heart.

Justin sighed and finished cleaning the brushes. He dried his hands and left the brushes to dry in their usual place. As he was ready to leave and give Gus the privacy the boy so obviously yearned, he stopped when he saw Gus standing in front of the painting he had last been working on. He saw that Gus was watching the painting intently, studying it in deep concentration.

Normally, Justin didn't like if people saw his work before it was finished, but he had long come to accept that sometimes it couldn't be helped, especially when two people were sharing studio space and working together in a small space like this. And yet, despite that, Justin had never even thought about getting a bigger studio or creating a second studio space somewhere on the grounds for Gus. He loved working with his son in the same studio more than he minded him seeing some of his work before it was finished.

“That's pretty dark,” Gus said quietly, never looking away from the painting. “Not at all like your recent paintings.”

Justin's recent paintings had been inspired by their honeymoon in Hawaii and by the tropical colours of the flowers and birds he had seen on the island, but Gus was right, this new painting was dark. It was a mix of dark colours all harshly fighting for dominance. The painting had been dominated by harsh, angry strokes which weren't his usual style at all. He had wondered earlier if he should get rid of it, but had then decided to leave it for now. Maybe he would like it more with some distance from today's events. And maybe not and he would get rid of it. Who knew?

Even though Gus couldn't see him, Justin just shrugged. He didn't really feel like explaining his current mood or why the painting had ended up looking like it did.

“I might get rid of it. We'll see,” he just said, getting ready to leave the room.

“Don't,” Gus stopped him with his words. “It looks amazing.”

“I don't like it,” Justin admitted, looking at the painting as well, trying to find anything in it that he liked, not really able to see anything.

“I do,” Gus said quietly, walking even closer to the canvas. By now he was merely inches away from it. “It shows exactly how I feel,” he admitted on a whisper. “It's really powerful.”

“Gus,” Justin said, looking at the painting, then at his son. “I know you don't want to talk and I respect that, but... I just want to know that you're okay. That you'll be okay,” Justin corrected himself immediately, knowing that it was ridiculous to assume that Gus would be okay under the circumstances.

“I won't run away like Luke if that's what you're afraid of,” Gus said, now turning away from the painting and looking at his father from hurt eyes.

“I wouldn't blame you if you did,” Justin admitted, meeting Gus' gaze head on. “I know that you must be angry with me and your Dad...”

“I am not angry,” Gus interrupted him at that point.

“You're not?” Justin was honestly surprised to hear that. His face must have shown his surprise because Gus shook his head to underline his statement when he repeated it.

“No, I am not.”

“Okay, I guess that's good.”

They looked at each other for the longest time before Justin felt like Gus wouldn't say anything more to him at this point. Knowing that he had promised him that he wouldn't make him talk, Justin forced himself to keep that promise.

“I'll leave you alone now, but Gus... if you feel like talking or maybe just yelling or whatever... your Dad and I are here, okay?”

At the same time as Justin had spoken, so had Gus. “I am confused, you know?”

Justin eyed him curiously. “Confused?”

“I've been thinking for hours and... I just don't understand. I just can't seem to understand why...”

“It's complicated,” Justin replied.

Gus' voice got more agitated when he continued speaking as if Justin hadn't said anything. “Why would he do that? I tried to wrap my head around it, but... I just can't understand. I just can't. He loved you, even then. I know because I saw him when he practised with me to be ringbearer at your wedding. He was so happy. I remember how he was smiling and he seemed so relaxed and just happy. And I know that it was because he loved you and was happy to marry you. So why would he do what he did just months later? And... why would you forgive him? How could you forgive him for doing something so horrible to you and Luke?”

Justin sighed, then slowly walked over to where Gus stood. He didn't touch him, but stayed close to him and looked at him when he gave him the answer he knew he deserved. “Your second question is a lot easier to answer than your first. I loved him. It's as simple as that. I loved your Dad. I always did and I know that I always will. He's a good man, Gus.”

When Gus just snorted in reply, Justin knew that he had to explain some more. “I know it's not easy to understand in light of what we told you today, but he is. Your father is a good man and has always cared more about my well-being than his own. What he did... in his own way, he thought he was doing it for my own good, to protect me.”

“Protect you from what? From having to be with him and raising your son with him?” Gus looked at Justin in confusion.

“In a way, yes,” Justin nodded, then moved over to one of the tables with art supplies and leaned against it. “Which really brings us to your first question, I guess. When... when I came back from New York... when I found out about Luke...I was so angry with your father. You have no idea! I was hurt, I was devastated... I felt pain and betrayal like I had never before in my life. And I blamed your father for all of it because he had been the one to make the decision to keep his pregnancy and Luke's existence from me. No matter what you or Luke might think, I didn't just forgive him as if nothing had happened or if what had happened hadn't mattered. Quite on the contrary... Your father and I barely talked for weeks...I could barely stand to be in the same room with him...It took us a long time to move on from what had happened, Gus. It was a long, painful process... for both of us.”

“I remember Dad telling me that you were angry with him because he had done something bad and I remember you telling me the same... That you were angry with him because of what he had done. I remember wondering what it could have been and I knew that somehow it had to do with Luke, but... I never really put two and two together...”

“You were only a small boy, Gus and what had happened had happened between your father and me...I know that we tried to explain it to you and Luke as well as we could without giving too much away...because we knew that you would know that something had happened. How could you not with us behaving the way we did? How could you not notice that something was off with me and your father avoiding each other as much as we could...” Justin's voice sounded pained as he went back to those days in his memories. “After a couple of weeks, I knew... and I think your father knew as well, that we couldn't go on like that. It wasn't fair to you and Luke. You and Luke deserved a happy childhood, not a childhood full of me and your father fighting or not talking to each other. So... with time... I knew that we would need to find a way to be around each other. For your sake as well as Luke's. And to be able to do that, we needed to move on from what had happened, from what your father had done... only that I couldn't because much like you now, I didn't understand why he had done it. How he could do something so painful to me. Because much like you I knew that he had loved me. Deep down, I have always known, even when I was angry with him and wanted to hate him. And just like I knew that he loved me... I have always loved him and I knew that I didn't want to stay angry with him for the rest of my life. I knew that I wanted us to move on from what had happened and even if not as partners, at least as friends for your sake and Luke's. So... I tried to understand the why as well. I needed to understand why he had done what he had done. How he could have done something like that to me and Luke and... we talked. Painful, but honest conversations and with time, I started to understand the why and I started to understand that what your father had done hadn't been done out of malice or because he was evil... In his own weird way he had done it out of love.”

“Love?” Gus shook his head in total disbelief. “Love had nothing to do with what he did...”

“Gus, what do you know about your father's parents? About his childhood?” Justin asked, his voice gentle. He knew that he had never really brought it up with his son, but he wondered if maybe Brian had at one point.

“Not much...I've heard bits and pieces from Grandma Debs and Dad himself, but... I don't know, I guess they sucked and he had a shitty childhood.”

Justin nodded, not surprised that Gus didn't really know much more than that. Brian had never liked talking about his childhood and parents and even though he had shared things with Justin, especially once Justin had been back in his life after everything that had happened, he wasn't surprised that he wouldn't have shared the same with his sons.

“That would be putting it mildly,” he therefore replied as he met Gus' gaze. “Your grandparents... they made your Dad's childhood a living hell. His father was an abusive drunk who would hit your Dad more often than not and... hit him badly. We're talking about broken bones on a pretty regular basis,” Justin said quietly, not surprised when Gus' eyes widened in shock. “And his mother... she was an alcoholic as well who hid behind her religion, pretending that everything was fine. She never did anything to protect your Dad from his father, instead she would go and blame your Dad for the sorry state of her life. They both did, really... All his childhood they would tell your father that they shouldn't have had him and that their lives would have been a lot better if they had had an abortion. In fact the very first thing his father did when he found out that your grandmother was pregnant with your Dad was to tell her to get an abortion. As religious as she was, she refused and insisted they get married. His father would then always blame your Dad for tying him down in a family and a life he had never wanted and his mother in return blamed him for the sad state of her marriage and life.”

“That's horrible,” Gus whispered, for a second seemingly forgetting his own anger and confusion over his father's actions and just feeling sorry for him.

“Yes, it was... And until your father met Grandma Debs when he was a teenager, he never had any love in his life. She was the first person that ever took him in her arms and gave him a hug...”

Gus looked shocked at what he was hearing. “I never knew it was this bad,” he admitted.

“Because your Dad didn't want you to know,” Justin said. “He didn't want people to know because he didn't want them to pity him,” he sighed, running a hand over his face before he continued. “A childhood like that... it leaves scars. Not just physical, but mental most of all and your father... They did quite a job on him, Gus. Growing up in that house, he closed his heart and told himself that he wasn't worthy of being loved. His parents had told him all his life, so sooner or later he started believing it. He felt that no one would ever love him because he wasn't worthy of being loved and to spare himself the pain of that, he decided to push people away before they could get too close. He told himself that he didn't need love in his life, that all he needed was enough money to have security and that would be all. When I met your Dad... he didn't believe in love, considered it something for fools and weak people. He only believed in sex and he despised every form of commitment there was. He didn't believe in relationships and until the night you were born, he had never loved anyone unconditionally...”

“Until you and me,” Gus said quietly.

“Yes... And he didn't know how to deal with it. He hadn't been prepared for loving you as much as he did and me? Well... he tried pushing me away, but I wouldn't let him. I think in the end he just grew tired of me not leaving, so he gave up,” Justin couldn't help but chuckle when he thought back to some of his brattier moments when he had first gotten to know Brian.

“But what does this have to do with his pregnancy?” Gus asked, still seeming confused.

“You know that your father is 12 years older than me,” Justin started, continuing when Gus nodded. “For most of the time that we were together and... when we planned to get married, there was this weird dynamic of your father paying for everything. Taking care of me because I didn't have the means to support myself. Your father paid for my education when my Dad kicked me out, your father let me stay in his Loft when I didn't have a place to go to, your father paid for my health insurance... everything really. And I hated being so dependent. I have always been rather independent and when the chance to go to New York came along, it was also a chance for me to finally become financially independent and to show your father that he wouldn't always have to take care of me. I know that your father never minded paying for these things... but I did. And when I was in New York... I loved being independent and working on my career. I loved trying to make a name for myself and even though part of me leaving was due to your father not being ready for a commitment like a wedding, a part of me also liked the opportunities I had in New York. And when your father got pregnant... he miscalculated my priorities so badly... In his mind, he thought that we would turn into his parents if he told me about the pregnancy...”

“What? That doesn't make sense,” Gus nearly shouted, looking at Justin from wide eyes.

“In a sense it does... Your Dad was scared that once I found out about him being pregnant, I would give up my life in New York and return to Pittsburgh to be with him. And he was right. If he had told me, I would have packed my bags the same minute and returned home right away. But not out of a sense of obligation like he thought, but because it would have been my dream come true. A career in New York was nice and yes, I guess I could see the appeal to some degree or I would have fought harder not to leave in the first place, but... a family with your father. Having a baby together. That was really my dream. For years I had these naive fantasies about us ending up together, having children, getting married and it just wasn't who he was at the time. It's the reason we broke up and were broken up before the bomb and his proposal. I wanted a family and a life together and he wasn't ready to commit, being scared of opening his heart to love. So when he found out that he was pregnant, his own childhood came back with a vengeance and all he could see was us turning into his parents. I would have given up my career for him and Luke and all he could see was me becoming this glorified housewife that would take care of the children while he made the money. He assumed it would be a life I couldn't be happy with and that maybe not right away, but over time I would come to resent that life and would turn into his father, blaming him for keeping me tied in a life I had never wanted. In his mind, I would come to resent him and Luke like his father had come to resent him and his mother and more than anything he wanted to save Luke from that. More than anything he never wanted to have a child of his own to have a childhood as horrible as his own. So... instead of talking to me and finding out how I felt about his pregnancy, he came up with this plan of pushing me off another cliff and pushing me out of his life. He thought that he was protecting me from a life I wasn't ready for and didn't want and was allowing me to have the life I had always wanted, becoming a famous artist and all and at the same time he would protect Luke from having the same kind of childhood he had had... Only that your father couldn't have been more wrong,” Justin ended on a whisper. He wiped away the tears that had run down his cheeks, before he continued. “I would have loved Luke. I would have loved coming home to start a family with your Dad. I wouldn't have hesitated for a second because... I could have worked on my career from Pittsburgh. I could have happily given up my career and just loved him and you and Luke, because having a family with your Dad was my biggest dream, but... it wasn't meant to be... Not then, at least. Your father had been so impacted by his own childhood, so traumatised... that a future where we would end up like his parents was the only future he could see for us and at all costs he wanted to protect me and Luke from that pain and... in the process he hurt all of us more than anyone else ever could have.”

“So he never realised how wrong he was until you came back?” Gus asked, still trying to understand everything about the complicated situation they were now in.

“He told himself that it was the best thing for everyone involved and...,” Justin sighed, looking at Gus imploringly. “You have to understand that it wasn't easy for him to come to that decision. Your Dad didn't want to be a single father... Your Dad loved me and I know that he would have loved for us to raise you and your brother together, but... he didn't see any way that we could, so he thought it was better to end our relationship, to break off all contact with me and ensure that Luke and you had a happy childhood. It wasn't until you came to live with him that he started to work through his own childhood trauma,” Justin explained. “When you went to therapy and he saw that it was helping you, he started going as well and started to work through all the damage his parents had done and while I think he has always known on some level that what he had done had been wrong, he only realised then why he had done it and by then... the damage had been done... “

“He could have told you then. That still would have been years earlier than you found out on your own,” Gus exclaimed, looking at Justin from eyes that showed how he wanted to understand but couldn't.

“I guess, but... until I returned... he could pretend that even though he might have made the decision for the wrong reasons, it was the right decision after all. Every show that I had, every article that got published about me and my work just confirmed to him that he had done the right thing and until I returned home that day... he never realised how wrong his decision was and how much it would hurt me. That day... when I saw Luke for the first time... He realised immediately how wrong he had been about my reaction and Gus, your father has felt guilty about what he has done ever since... I know it might not mean much to you, but... your father regrets what happened more than anything and the guilt has nearly eaten him alive... It didn't only take me a long time to work through my pain over his betrayal, it also took a long time for him to work through his guilt over what he had done to all of us. That guilt pushed him right back to feeling unworthy of being loved and... it caused a lot of damage, Gus. You might think I just forgave him because I loved him, but... it took us a long time to work through what had happened. We went to therapy together for a long time to move past what had happened and your Dad went even longer on his own... We both had to put in a lot of hard work to move on from our past, but... I never doubted or regretted my decision to do so because I always loved your father just like I know that he always loved me...”

“And you did, didn't you? I mean... you got married and... you always seemed happy,” Gus said.

“We were... we are,” Justin agreed with a small smile. “I love your father, Gus. And I know that some people might not understand how or why I can still love him after everything that's happened, but... I know that he never set out to hurt us out of malice. Due to his own childhood trauma he had been conditioned to believe that it was the only way he could make sure that his child would grow up happily and... even though it was wrong... even though it hurt me more than anything ever did before in my life... I know that he did what he did out of love for your brother and me.”

Justin slowly walked over from the desk he had been leaning against and stopped in front of his painting. “I don't expect you or Luke to understand that... Maybe your Dad is right and I am really the only person on this planet who can understand how his mind works, but... yeah, I understand why he did what he did and forgiving him was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I wouldn't want to miss these last ten years together with you, your brother and Vicky for anything in the world.”

Gus eyed the painting once again and slowly started to understand the motivation behind it. He started to see the painting in a new light as he looked at it again. “This is not about being angry with Dad, is it?” He nodded towards the dark painting that was full of harsh paint strokes. “You're not angry with him.”

Justin shook his head slowly. “No, I am not... I haven't been angry with your father about this in a long time... I know why he did it and maybe I am the only person on this planet, but I can understand his reasons and even though they were wrong... I forgave him a long time ago. No, I am not angry with him.”

“Then... who are you angry with?” Gus asked, turning to look at Justin with a frown on his face.

Justin shrugged and smiled sadly. “The situation... for once again coming and having an impact on our lives, but mostly myself really...”

“Yourself? Why would you be angry with yourself?” Gus sounded utterly confused. “You didn't do anything wrong.”

“We'll have to disagree on that,” Justin said quietly, turning towards the painting once more. “Luke was right with one thing he said earlier even though he might not have meant it that way...”

“What?” Gus frowned.

“I let your father get away with it,” Justin said, his voice very quiet. He turned around and met Gus' questioning gaze. “I know your father will never agree with me, but I am not innocent in all of this... He was only able to do what he did because I let him. The same for your mother. I know you said you don't blame me for what happened and that you know it was her, but she couldn't have gotten away with it if I hadn't let her. And that's something I will always have to live with,” Justin finished, his voice hardly above a whisper. “My own two big regrets over what has happened.”

“You can't be serious,” Gus said, looking at Justin intently.

“Oh, I am dead serious. Gus,” Justin sighed, trying to explain what he meant. “I knew that your father had pushed me off some cliff, had pushed me away and kicked me out of his life for a reason. At the time I thought that maybe he was sick again, but... instead of really finding out the reason, I was so angry and hurt that I accepted that I had been pushed off the cliff and stayed away. If I had just insisted on being told the truth, if I had just fought harder to defend my place in his life... And before you say anything, I could have. There was no reason why I couldn't have come back before. It was my decision to stay away until I had made a name for myself and become successful. I could have come back weeks, months, even a year after your father pushed me away and could have demanded the truth. He couldn't have hidden from me forever. But I didn't. I stayed away. I didn't come back to Pittsburgh for five years and that is on me, Gus. Just like it's on me that your mother got away with her lie. Yes, she lied and yes, she was only able to do so because your father had pushed me away first, but... I came to see you for months after your father and I had broken up. When she said that I shouldn't come anymore because it was causing problems with your Dad, I shouldn't just have accepted that. I should have confronted your Dad and should have fought for my place in your life. I should have asked him why all of a sudden after months of me seeing you he suddenly had a problem with it and... I would have found out that he didn't. Your father never said anything like that. Quite on the contrary, he was happy that I continued to see you because he knew how much I loved you and how much you loved me... He would have never demanded anything like that because he knew how much we meant to each other but instead of trusting my gut feeling and confronting him about it which could have ended everything years sooner, I hid behind my pain and anger and stayed away. And that will always be on me, Gus, not your father, not your mother... that's my fault.” Justin then turned towards the painting. “I guess when I started painting today, I was feeling particularly angry at myself for not having fought harder for my place in your father's life... for my place in your life....”

Justin stopped and gasped when he suddenly found himself engulfed in a crushing hug by his son.

“You are unbelievable, you know that? Only you would go and blame yourself for something that's not your fault at all,” Gus whispered, holding his father close. “You were always there for me... you loved me, you supported me, you made me your son... You have nothing to blame yourself for, Papa! Nothing!”

“Oh Gus,” Justin whispered, hugging his son back, feeling new tears leave his eyes. “It's not as easy as that.”

“It is to me,” Gus replied, looking at his father from eyes that were filled with unshed tears. “I love you and for as long as I remember you have always loved me... I couldn't have asked for a better father... better fathers, really. I know that I might never fully understand why Dad did what he did, but I know that when push comes to shove... I couldn't have asked for a better father either. Dad has always been there, in his own way and once everything went down with my mothers... He was always there for me. And for Luke as well... We were so lucky that he loved us so much.”

“He did,” Justin agreed, pulling back from Gus' embrace, and looking at his son's face. He gently wiped away the tears on Gus' face. “It's the one thing I always knew and never doubted, no matter how anrgy I might have been with him. I always knew that he loved you and your brother and now Vicky as well more than anything else in the world and that he would do whatever he could to make sure you would grow up happy.”

“He changed his whole life for us... I guess I never realised it, but he did, didn't he?” Gus asked, looking at Justin for an honest answer.

“Yes, he did... but not because anyone forced him to, but because he wanted to. He wanted to be the best father possible and wanted you two to be as happy as you could be,” Justin said, knowing that it was true. It was the one thing he had always known about Brian. “And more than anything it hurts him right now to know that you two are hurting because of something he did. He never wanted to hurt you...”

“Just like he never wanted to hurt you,” Gus said slowly, slowly starting to understand some things about his father that he hadn't before.

“I know that you and Luke might be angry and you have every right to be, but the truth is that at the end of the day, you couldn't ask for a better Dad. You couldn't find a father more dedicated to making sure that you and your siblings would always be happy and well,” Justin said, knowing that it was the truth.

Gus nodded then pulled Justin close once more. “I love you... both of you... I do, but... I think I just got overwhelmed by everything you told us today.”

Justin wrapped his arms around Gus once more and held his son close. “I don't blame you. It's a lot to take in... Just know that I love you, Gus... that we both do.”

“I know,” Gus whispered, kissing his father on his cheek. “I love you, too...”

They stayed in their hug for several minutes, before Justin pulled back. “Are you okay?”

“I think I will be,” Gus nodded, trying to smile at his father. “You can go and check on him. It's okay.”

“No, I don't want to leave you on your own,” Justin said, shaking his head. “Not when you need me.”

“I think I am good for now and you have given me a lot to think about,” Gus said, letting go of his father and looking at him as encouragingly as he could. “You wanted to go and check on Dad an hour ago already. I kept you here long enough.”

“You haven't kept me,” Justin contradicted. “Making sure that you're okay is all that matters right now.”

“I am,” Gus promised, looking at his father with a real smile now. “And someone needs to look after Dad as well... I know that you two are hurting... I know that you're hurt by Luke leaving and... I understand that you need time together... Go and check on Dad and make sure that he's alright. I am fine. I am,” Gus said, when he saw his father's doubtful look. “You explained a lot that I didn't understand before and I need some time to really work through all of that, but... I am a lot better than I was earlier. I promise.”

“Are you sure?” Justin asked, and his face and his voice both showed his reluctance to leave Gus on his own right now.

Gus nodded. “Go and check on Dad. I'll be in here for a while, painting and... I'll be fine. I love you, both of you. I mean it.”

“I love you, too... You're a good boy, Gus,” Justin said full of emotion. He held his son close once more. “The best son anyone could wish for.”

“Don't let Luke hear that,” Gus joked, but then stopped. “He'll come back. I know he will. He just needs some time, Papa.”

Justin sighed, then nodded. He knew that Gus was right. “I know... I know he does. I didn't get over what happened in a day either, so it was foolish to expect that you two would. And for the record, you both are the best sons anyone could wish for.”

Gus chuckled slightly, before he pulled back. “We'll be fine. All of us. You and Dad have raised us to overcome anything life throws at us and I know that we will.”

“I love you, Gus,” Justin said once more, then pulled back. “And now I am leaving...but if you need to talk some more, you know that we're here for you. No matter what time...”

“I know,” Gus nodded and watched with a smile as his father reluctantly left the room.