Chapter 18

Justin made his way through the house and after a quick stop in the kitchen to get himself a bottle of water headed towards Brian’s office. He figured that Brian had probably gone back to his own sanctuary for whatever reason instead of coming to get Justin as Justin had asked him to. He just hoped that Brian wasn't pulling back from him. Right now, Justin wasn't sure if he could handle Brian putting up his walls. With everything going on, he needed Brian more than ever now and he wasn't sure if he could handle having to break down his walls on top of everything else.

At least the conversation with Gus had ended well and it had left him feeling slightly better and more optimistic that things would turn out alright in the end. Gus had seemed okay all things considered when their conversation had ended and Justin hoped that he would be. It would be a huge weight off his shoulders to know that Gus was alright.

When Justin entered Brian's office, he frowned when he found the lights turned off and the office in complete darkness.

“Brian?” He asked, not surprised when he didn't get an answer back. He seriously doubted that Brian would be hiding in the dark. He turned on the lights and found the office completely empty.

Deciding to check in the master bedroom next, hoping that Brian might have just hidden away there or gone to bed early, Justin headed there next, once again only finding a completely dark and empty room.

Not knowing where else to look for Brian, he headed for Vicky's room. He knew that Brian had gone there to tell her a bedtime story and he wondered if Brian would still be in the room two hours later.

He found the door to Vicky's room slightly ajar and opened it quietly. When he looked inside, his heart melted at the sight in front of him and he couldn't help but smile gently at what he saw.

His missing husband was lying in their daughter's bed, sleeping peacefully with their little girl tucked safely away in his arms. A warm feeling spread all through Justin's heart and stomach as he walked closer and saw the way Vicky was held by her father. Much like Justin would be held by him as well.

Brian's arms were holding her safely in place while her head rested gently on his chest. Both of them looked absolutely peaceful and content.

Justin wondered how they had ended up like that but knew that it didn't really matter. He could see that the worry lines that had been edged into Brian's face earlier were gone and he looked absolutely relaxed. He looked years younger as he was sleeping with his daughter safely held in his arms. And Vicky looked absolutely peaceful and cute as well. Her head rested on Brian's chest and one of her small hands was resting on Brian's stomach, her face showing how comfortable she seemed to be where she was.

Wondering if he should wake up Brian or not, Justin decided against it in the end. He didn't have the heart to wake Brian, not when he seemed to have found some peace and quiet here with Vicky. Justin knew that the position in her small bed would probably be uncomfortable if Brian stayed there all night, but for now he seemed fine and Justin didn't have it in him to wake him up now. Not when he seemed to have found some rest for which Justin was grateful.

He had seen all day how bothered Brian had been by what had happened and while he had wanted to be there for him, he knew that he needed to work through his own emotions first before he could help Brian with his. And more than that Justin knew that Brian hadn't been ready to talk to him. That much had been clear to him when Brian had locked himself away in his office after his walk instead of coming to look for Justin.

Brian had never been good when it came to sharing his emotions and especially when it came to their past. Justin had learned by now not to push him and to give him the time that he needed and he knew that they would talk when they would both be ready. He hadn't been hurt by Brian not coming to look for him because he knew that Brian had needed the time alone to figure out his own feelings and he knew that whenever Brian was ready, he would come.

And much to Justin's relief it didn't seem like Brian had pulled away from him and had avoided him on purpose, but he had simply fallen asleep, a fact that made Justin smile.

He stayed in his place next to Vicky's bed for almost twenty minutes, just watching the gentle rise and fall of both their chests as they slept before he pulled himself away and forced himself to leave them alone.

Once in the master bedroom, Justin decided to take a quick shower and then didn't quite know what to do with himself. He still felt emotionally raw, even though it wasn't as bad as earlier, but he knew that watching some TV or reading wouldn't cut it. Not tonight.

He wandered around the room for several minutes until his eyes settled on a shelf and he knew what he wanted to do.

***

“Hey, there you are,” Justin said as Brian came into the room an hour later, his hair sticking out in all directions and his eyes still filled with sleep and exhaustion.

He frowned when Brian didn't reply to him and just walked over to the bed wordlessly to pick up a pillow. He then turned around and headed back for the door.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, not quite sure what to make of this behaviour. “Where are you going?”

“The guestroom,” was all Brian muttered, confusing Justin even more.

“What? Why?” Justin had been sitting up in their bed, looking at an old photo album which he now closed and put away on his bedside table.

When Brian just continued towards the door, Justin made to get out of bed and threw back the covers. “I asked you a question. Why?”

Brian turned around and looked at Justin. When he met Justin's gaze, Justin could see that he looked beyond exhausted, most of all emotionally. His eyes were filled with a deep sadness that Justin hadn't seen there earlier. At least not like this. “It's quite obvious that I am not welcome here, so let's save us both the time and let me go to the guestroom.”

“What are you talking about?” Justin felt beyond confused, not quite sure what Brian was talking about. Where had he gotten the idea that he wouldn't be welcome in their bed? “I didn't say anything like that...”

“You didn't have to. Your actions were quite clear,” Brian just muttered, before he turned away again and made to open the door.

“My actions? Excuse me?”

“Sunshine, please. I am tired and I just want to sleep, so let me go,” Brian sighed.

“Yeah, so am I. And I would like to sleep in my husband's arms, but for some reason he has gotten it into his head that he wants to sleep in the guestroom instead of our bed and I'd really like to know why!” Justin angrily shot back, walking towards Brian and the door. “What is this about, Brian?”

“You didn't come and get me,” Brian just muttered, not looking at Justin.

“What? What are you talking about?” Justin frowned, still not sure what was actually happening.

“Why didn't you come and get me after I fell asleep in Vicky's room? You must have known where I was, but you didn't come, so obviously you couldn't care less where I am sleeping tonight...,” Brian said, still refusing to look at Justin.

“You are kidding, right?” Justin just shook his head in absolute disbelief. Brian couldn't be for real.

“I am dead serious.”

“Yes, I knew where you were because I came looking for you when you didn't come to the studio like I had asked you to. And yes, I found you asleep in Vicky's bed and excuse me, but you looked so peaceful and relaxed that I couldn't bring myself to wake you up. After the day you had, the day we both had, I was glad that you had gotten some rest and I didn't have the heart to wake you up when for the first time in hours the worry lines on your face had finally disappeared and you finally looked relaxed and content,” Justin snapped, not able to hide his anger at Brian's behaviour. “That doesn't mean that I don't want you here or wouldn't have liked to talk to you... It just means that I didn't have the heart to wake you when you finally looked peaceful. I wanted you to have that for a while longer. Sue me!” Justin angrily crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at Brian's back.

“I know that you're angry with me,” was all Brian gave back, his voice quiet and sad.

“Did I say that I was?” Justin asked and wasn't surprised when Brian didn't reply. “Did I say that I was angry with you?”

After the longest pause Brian finally shook his head.

“Then stop putting words in my mouth. I am not angry and I haven't been,” Justin sighed, hating when Brian just assumed how he was feeling instead of asking him or listening to him.

“How can you not be?” Brian whispered, still not moving away from the door and still holding on to the door handle.

“I don't want to fight with you, Brian, I really don't. Not today after everything that has happened, but right now you're really starting to piss me off. Can you stop assuming what I am feeling and can you stop thinking that you know better how I feel than I do? I am not angry with you! But I am about to get angry because this conversation is making me angry,” Justin admitted, his voice still having an edge to it. “If this is about earlier, yes, I needed some time alone to work through some things, but I wasn't angry with you. It was about me and my feelings and had nothing to do with you. If I were angry with you, I would tell you. At least give me that much credit.”

Justin then made his way back to the bed, angrily pulling the cover back before he sat down and covered himself against the cold.

“I am not angry with you, I didn't ask you to sleep in the guestroom and like I said, I would really like to sleep in my husband's arms tonight, so can you please move away from the door and make your way into the fucking bed?”

Brian didn't move for a couple of seconds, but then slowly made his way over to their bed, much to Justin's relief. He wordlessly put the pillow down, before he moved towards the bathroom.

Justin watched after him as he disappeared for a few minutes to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. When Brian returned a few minutes later, Justin watched as he made his way back to his side of the bed and climbed under the covers.

“Thanks!” He said, his voice a lot warmer now than it had been before. He held out his hand and was relieved when Brian took it and squeezed it. “I mean it, Brian. I don't want to fight with you right now. I can't... I can't fight with you as well... I need you right now,” he whispered, surprised by how emotional his voice sounded all of a sudden.

Justin felt how strong arms encircled his upper body and willingly went into Brian's arms as he pulled him close. “I can't do this on my own, Brian... I need you...,” he whispered again, before he felt tears run down his face.

“I am sorry,” Brian whispered, holding Justin close, running a comforting hand up and down his back. “I really am.”

Justin nodded in his arms, accepting the apology, knowing that Brian was. He knew that Brian hadn't meant it and that sometimes he just struggled to accept that Justin's emotions didn't work the same way his did. He stretched his arms out and put them around Brian's upper body, pulling him closer.

They stayed locked in their embrace for several minutes, not talking at all. When Justin finally stopped crying and had calmed down, Brian pulled back and gently wiped away the tears on his face.

“I am an idiot... I am sorry.”

“You are,” Justin replied, but there was no anger in his voice, mostly slight amusement. “But you're my idiot.”

“I doubt that anyone else would have me,” Brian argued, happy when he couldn't hear any anger in Justin's voice. “So it seems like you're stuck with me.”

“I think I don't mind,” Justin whispered, before he gently pushed Brian down onto the bed and rested his head in his favourite spot on Brian's shoulder. He rested his hand on Brian's stomach, running small circles over it with his fingers. “I mean it, Brian. I am not angry with you. I haven't been angry with you about this in a long time...”

“I wouldn't blame you if you were,” Brian whispered in an equally low voice. “God knows I would deserve your anger and more.”

“Why? Because we talked about a part of our history that is ten to fifteen years in the past with our sons? Nothing we told them today was news. We've been there, we've lived it and we've moved past it... Why would I be angry now when I haven't been in so long?” Justin frowned, not understanding why Brian would think that Justin would suddenly be angry with him after all these years.

“Because now Luke isn't talking to you and it's all because of me,” Brian said, his voice still hardly above a whisper. “It's my fault he's angry with you...”

“I know that you think you're god-like, but to think that you're actually God. That's a new one,” Justin muttered, before he pulled back slightly, so he could look into Brian's eyes. He wasn't surprised to see hurt and pain in those hazel eyes he loved so much. “Luke is angry with me because of how I reacted to what you did. You are not responsible for my reaction and you're not responsible for his reaction to finding out... I won't lie... it hurts me to think that he's not here and I can't stop hearing how he said that he hated me in my head, but... he's angry with me because of my reaction to your actions and as much as I know you like to claim full responsibility for what happened, you were not responsible for me forgiving you. That was my call. Hell, if it was up to you, I probably never would have forgiven you because you didn't think you deserved to be forgiven. But if he's angry about that, that's something that he and I will have to work out. It's not your fault though, Brian.”

Justin felt Brian's arms tighten around him. He wasn't surprised when he heard the same pain he had seen in Brian's eyes in his voice when he spoke next.

“I am just so sorry that you got hurt once again... and that he and Gus got hurt... I wish I could stop them from getting hurt because of this.”

“Brian,” Justin said quietly, running a hand through his hair. “We knew we had to tell them at one point or another. They deserved to know the truth and... as much as it hurts, they also deserve their anger. At both of us! When I was in the studio today, I couldn't help but think back to how angry I was when I found out and... it was stupid to think that they wouldn't be just as angry. I wasn't able to forgive you in a day and I was stupid to think that they would... Yes, it happened a long time ago and yes, we have moved on from it, but they... they only found out the whole truth today and as much as it pains me to say, we need to give them time to come to terms with it. Just like I needed time and just like you needed time.”

Brian nodded, knowing deep down that Justin was right. “I know...”

“I am sorry if you felt like I have pushed you away earlier. I just needed some time...but I meant it when I wanted you to come to the studio and get me once Vicky was asleep. I don't want to do this on my own,” Justin sighed deeply before he continued, “I am not sure I can do this on my own... I need you, Brian. Just like I know that you need me right now, so... please... promise me that you won't shut me out and I promise you that I won't shut you out. I want us to try and work through this together. I love you and you know that I do. I wouldn't still be here after all these years if I didn't,” Justin finished, taking Brian's hand in his own, so that their wedding rings would bump against each other and make a metallic sound.

“I love you,” Brian whispered back, looking right into the blue eyes that were the windows to Justin's soul. “More than anything and I promise that I'll try to do better. I just... sometimes my head messes with me more than I'd like and...” Brian stopped, not quite sure how to continue. “I wish I were like you and could just follow my heart more.”

Justin smiled gently. “Hmmm, I think you're doing pretty good. Today were extraordinary circumstances for both of us, so we're allowed to get it wrong every once in while...” He then leaned down and gently kissed Brian.

When their kiss ended, he looked at Brian once more. “Just talk to me, okay? I need us to communicate, Brian. Don't just assume something when I haven't said it.”

Brian nodded, looking contrite. “I wish I had your strength and your patience, Sunshine. I know I am not making it easy for you.”

“You love me, that's all that matters,” Justin said sincerely, once more settling his head back in its spot on Brian's shoulder. “I don't care about easy. I only care that you love me and our children. As long as you do, we will make the rest work.”

“That I can do,” Brian promised, leaving a soft kiss on Justin's head. “You know I love you more than anything, Sunshine.”

“Now if that doesn't make me the luckiest bastard alive, I don't know,” Justin said, a tinge of amusement in his otherwise serious voice. “I love you, too. And I am glad you're here in bed with me, holding me... I always feel secure in your arms,” he admitted without any shame as he cuddled closer into Brian's embrace.

They were quiet for a couple of minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts. Justin gently ran a hand over Brian's stomach while Brian ran his fingers up and down Justin's arm. They both craved this simple connection and the strength it gave them.

It was Brian who pulled back first, slowly sitting up again, pulling Justin up with him. He nodded over towards Justin's bedside table and frowned at the photo album he saw there. “What's that doing here?”

Justin blushed slightly, but then took the photo album and rested it on his legs. “I don't know... Looking at it comforted me...”

When Brian took the photo album from him and opened it, Justin couldn't help but notice a rather sentimental expression on his face.

“That was our first trip together...”

“To Disneyworld, yeah,” Justin agreed, running his hand over one of the pictures of him, Brian, Gus and Luke in front of the big Sleeping Beauty castle. “I still can't believe you actually set foot into the happiest place on earth,” he chuckled.

“The boys loved it,” Brian shrugged, turning over the page to more images from that trip. “It made them happy.”

“You enjoyed it too, I know you did,” Justin teased, looking at the images in the album with Brian.

“I had a good time, yeah,” Brian admitted, before he turned to another page with even more images. “It was our first vacation together... after everything... I just enjoyed seeing you and the boys so happy and ecstatic.”

“I loved how happy they were. So excited about everything...It was a good trip,” Justin sighed happily, the memories of that trip all over his mind.

“We should take Vicky, you know? She would love to go to Disney,” Brian said, looking at more pictures of them together on their first family vacation.

“Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe we can all go together,” Justin suggested, running his hand over a picture of the four of them together with Mickey Mouse. “When things have calmed down.”

“I can't see Gus in Disneyworld,” Brian said honestly, thinking that his 20-year old son would probably be bored out of his mind.

“He's more like you than you think. He would do it for Vicky because he would know how much it would mean to her to have him there,” Justin said, knowing that it was true. Gus would do anything for his baby sister. Even despite their age difference, they had always been close and Gus had always been incredibly protective of her. He loved her, nobody would ever doubt that.

“He's a good boy,” Brian said wistfully.

“They both are,” Justin pointed out, knowing that it was the truth. Considering all the things he and Brian had gotten up to in their teenage years, Luke and Gus were both incredibly good. They had never given them much trouble. Of course, there had been the normal arguments any teenager had with their parents about parties, alcohol and the likes, but all in all, they had been really lucky with their sons.

“Yeah, they are,” Brian agreed, before he closed the photo album with a sigh. He put it on his bedside table, then turned back to Justin.

“I spoke to Gus earlier,” Justin said when Brian was looking at him again. “He came to the studio to paint and... we talked.”

“Is he okay?” Brian asked, his voice laced with concern.

“I think so. He will be,” Justin said, once more resting his head on Brian's shoulder. “He wasn't angry, but mostly confused...so we talked a bit more and... I think he will be fine.”

“That's good,” Brian whispered, leaning his head against Justin's.

“Brian,” Justin started, taking his husband's hand and giving it a squeeze. “He was confused about some of the things that happened and why they happened, so I tried to explain some things to him and... we talked about your family,” Justin stopped when he felt Brian's whole body tense immediately at the mention of his family. “I told him about... your childhood... some of it... so he would better understand what happened.”

Justin waited for Brian to explode, but much to his surprise it never happened. He knew how Brian's family had always been a sensitive subject for him and just feeling how tense he was now that Justin had brought them up, showed him how much of a sore subject they still were for the older man, but instead of getting angry with him for sharing something so private about his own past, Brian just took a deep breath and answered in a calm voice. Justin hadn't expected that.

“Okay.”

“I didn't know you had never told him, though I am not surprised... I just think... knowing some of those things helped him to understand better,” Justin explained. “I know it wasn't my place to share that with him, but... I think it really helped him to understand why what happened happened.”

“Don't worry about it, Sunshine,” Brian sighed. “He was bound to find out. And I guess you're right. It's all connected, so he probably needed to know.”

“When we were done talking, he said he loved us, both of us. He will be fine,” Justin whispered, running a hand over Brian's thigh. “We all will be.”

Brian nodded quietly, hoping that Justin was right. He slowly moved them down onto the mattress and lay down with Justin in his arms. He didn't know what he would do without the man by his side and once again, he thanked the Gods that Justin was in his life and loved him. His strength, his patience, his love had gotten them through so many crises before and he knew that they would make it through this one as well. As long as they were together, they would be fine. All of them.