Chapter 27

“Yeah,” Luke rolled his eyes in annoyance as there was yet another knock on his door.

Ever since Emmett had come home from whatever event he had been working at that afternoon, he had pretty much stopped by Luke's room every couple of minutes to make sure that he was okay and didn't need anything. Even Drew had told Emmett by now to leave Luke alone and that he was clearly old enough to let them know if he needed something. Luke had thrown Drew a grateful smile when he had said that to Emmett, but by the looks of it, Emmett hadn't really listened.

He was slightly surprised when the door opened and his father entered the guestroom. Though he shouldn't have been. His Dad had pretty much told him that there was no way his Papa wouldn't come by and check on him and he had also known that much himself. Yet he hadn't really expected him to be here that quickly.

“I just wanted to make sure that you're okay,” Justin said by way of greeting as he slowly made his way into the guestroom and looked at Luke from clearly concerned eyes.

“It's just a sprained ankle,” Luke rolled his eyes once more and left no doubt about how annoyed he was when he replied. “I am not dying.”

Justin let the comment slide, not really having expected a warmer welcome anyway.

“Are you in pain?” He asked instead, looking at Luke's ankle that was elevated on a couple of pillows and had an ice pack resting on it.

“No,” Luke replied honestly, putting his phone that he he had been typing on to the side. “It stopped hurting a while ago.”

“That's good,” Justin nodded. “Is there anything you need? Anything I can get you?”

Luke sighed audibly, then shook his head. “I am not an invalid. I can still move around and get whatever I need myself.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded, once again letting the annoyed tone in his son's voice slide. “I just needed to make sure that you're okay.”

“I haven't been okay in days and it has nothing to do with my ankle,” Luke angrily muttered before he could help himself.

“Luke,” Justin sighed, slowly moving towards the bed in the room and sitting down at the side. He was glad when Luke didn't protest, though he didn't really look happy about Justin sitting down either. “I know you're angry with us and I respect that, but you're still my son and you got hurt today and I needed to make sure that you were okay.”

“I am sure Dad told you that I was fine.”

“Yeah, he did, but... sometimes you need to see with your own eyes and not just hear from other people.” Justin looked at Luke sadly. “I wish you would have called me earlier. I could have come to the hospital.”

“What for?” Luke frowned. “I am not a baby that needs you to hold my hand while the evil doctor prods and examines me.”

Justin shrugged. “Just to be there and to know what was going on. I don't like not being included when important things like this happen.”

Luke frowned, then eyed his father from slightly surprised eyes. “You're not angry with Dad for not telling you, are you? I asked him not to...”

“No, I am not,” Justin shook his head. “Though he should have told me anyway...”

“He obviously did,” Luke pointed out. “And I am fine.”

“Yeah, I guess you are,” Justin sighed, before he slowly got up. “Just let us know if you need anything, okay? Whatever it is. Your Dad and I can get it for you.”

Luke nodded, then watched as his father made his way over to the door. He noticed how he hung his shoulders and looked rather dejected. “Are you alright?”

Justin stopped, then turned to look at Luke. “No, but it doesn't matter. You're alright, it's what I came here for, so I'll leave now. I know you don't want to talk to me, so I won't bother you any longer.”

“Papa...”

“It's okay. You made your wishes clear and I should have respected that. I am sorry I came here. I just needed to know that you were okay.”

“Papa,” Luke said again, this time on a sigh. “Why did you come?”

“I told you,” Justin said quietly. “I needed to make sure that you were okay.”

“Why? It's just a sprained ankle. I didn't get a life-threatening injury. You knew I would be okay even without coming here. Dad told you.”

Justin smiled wryly. “It doesn't work like that.”

“What doesn't?” Luke frowned, not sure he really understood what his father had meant with that statement.

“A parent's love... Sometimes words just aren't enough and you need to see with your own eyes that your baby is okay.”

“I am not a baby,” Luke gave back angrily.

“You'll always be my baby,” Justin said sadly, then moved towards the door once more. When he had reached the door, he turned around to Luke once more. “I know you're angry with us, but... I still love you. I'll always love you. And that means I'll always worry about you. It's not something I can just stop because you don't want to see me. It's not how this whole father-son thing works for me.”

Luke stayed quiet for the longest time and Justin was sure he was done talking to him, so he opened the door. Just as he was about to leave the room, he heard Luke's quiet voice once more.

“Why did Dad come to my game today?”

“You'll really have to ask him for an answer, but my guess is that he came for the same reason he always comes to your games. Because he loves you and is incredibly proud of you and he wanted to support you.”

“Even though I don't want to talk to him and see him?” Luke asked.

“Just because your feelings for us have changed, doesn't mean our feelings for you have changed. Your Dad still loves you as much as he always did and is every bit as proud of you as he has always been,” Justin replied quietly, knowing that it was the truth. “Just as I am.”

Once more Luke remained silent and Justin thought that their conversation was over. He once again moved to leave the room only to be interrupted by Luke's voice once again. This time it was hardly above a whisper, but Justin had still heard every word he had said.

“Did you only forgive him because of me?”

Justin slowly turned around and looked at Luke with a question in his eyes. “Why would you ask that?”

“Did you?” Luke only asked again, not blinking as he held his father's gaze.

“I forgave your Dad because I loved him... because I love him more than anything...,” Justin replied honestly.

“But you didn't when you forgave him. It's why you got back together with him after everything had happened, but it's not why you forgave him in the first place, is it?”

Justin shook his head, carefully choosing his words. “I guess... on some level I always loved your father, even then... but back then there was so much anger and pain involved, I don't think love played a big part in my decisions...”

“So you only forgave him because of me?” Luke asked once more, looking at Justin from pained eyes.

“Would that bother you?” Justin asked, looking at his son carefully, not sure where this conversation was headed.

“Don't answer my question with a question of your own,” Luke snapped, glaring at his father. “Just answer it!”

Justin slowly moved back into the room, this time sitting down in the chair at the desk. He looked at Luke when he answered, choosing his words carefully.

“I guess, yes. I started to forgive him because I knew it would be the best for you.”

“And everyone else as well?” Luke asked, glaring at his father from icy eyes.

“Yes, everyone else as well. At the time it seemed like the best thing to do for you,” Justin said honestly.

“Why?”

Justin shrugged. “You loved your father. You loved your grandparents. You loved Ted and Blake. That was your family and you loved them. I didn't want you to lose that.”

“And I would have if you hadn't forgiven them?” Luke frowned.

“At the time I was sure, yes,” Justin nodded. “I didn't see any way you wouldn't be negatively affected if I didn't start forgiving them.”

“How would it have affected me?”

Justin met Luke's eyes and held his questioning gaze for the longest time. “You would have caught on to the tension between me and the rest of the family. You would have noticed that something was wrong, that something was off. You would have been impacted by that, I have no doubt. I don't know what would have happened exactly, but... let's just say I hadn't forgiven them and had insisted on staying angry with all of them... There would have never been a birthday you could have celebrated with your whole family. I would have always been absent and you and I would have celebrated on our own. The same for Christmas. The same for any other holiday... You would have never been able to celebrate any holiday with your whole family. There might have been arguments between me and your Dad about who would get to celebrate with you when. You might have noticed those and would have found out that something had happened between me and your Dad. And maybe you would have found out what had happened and would have lost all respect and love for your Dad...”

“Why would you have cared? I might have decided that I prefered staying with you to staying with Dad... I might have chosen you over him and his lies...”

“And then? Your relationships with your grandparents, with your uncles, with Gus... everything would have changed for you. Would that have been worth it? Spending time with you at that cost? You were happy, Luke. The happiest boy one could imagine. No matter how angry I was at your father, the one thing I always knew was that he loved you more than anything and that you loved him. I would have never taken that away from you. I would have never broken up that relationship. Never!”

“Why not? Wouldn't that have been sweet revenge?” Luke asked, his voice colder than Justin had ever heard it.

He looked at Luke sadly. “I guess, but at what price? You would have lost your relationship with your father. You would have lost your relationship with your brother. You would have lost all the relationships that made you the happy boy you were. I would have never taken that away from you.”

“Even knowing what he did?”

“Especially knowing what he did,” Justin affirmed.

“I don't get it... I don't get why you didn't get back at him. Why you didn't punish him for what he did...”

“I lost my father's love... for different reasons, but... I lost it. Your Dad never had his father's love to begin with... I would have never wanted that for you. I would have never wanted you to experience that feeling of losing a parent. And honestly? I didn't need to punish your father for what he had done... There was no one judging him harsher than he judged himself for his actions,” Justin ended quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“At the beginning... when I was still angry and in pain... I didn't see it and I guess at that time all my actions were directed by an urge to make sure that you would be as happy as you could be, by making sure that you would be impacted as little as possible by our problems. So yeah, I guess at that time I forgave him because of you, because I knew it was the only way you could have both of us in your life without it affecting your happiness. I knew that your Dad and I at least needed to be on speaking terms to be able to raise you together. But back then, we were a long way away from even being friends... even further away from being partners... I honestly didn't even think about ever having a relationship with your father again. All I could think about was making sure that you would have both of us in your life and that we would be the best fathers we could be to you. That meant we needed to talk, that meant we needed to discuss things, so I needed to find a way to be on speaking terms with your father and that meant putting aside my anger and moving on. And I did, but... it took me months before I really started seeing all the impact this whole mess had also had on your father. It took me months to see how much guilt he was carrying around day in and out. How much he blamed himself for what had happened. And maybe I should have been happy about that, I don't know, but... it only hurt me. Because the more I saw him with you, with Gus... The more I saw the father that he had been to you both... the more I saw the man he had become in the years I had been in New York, the more I knew that he had changed and truly regretted his actions. When he had made the decision to keep you a secret from me... he was a different man, Luke. The man that your father is now, the man I saw being a father to you and Gus... he would have never made this decision to begin with.”

Luke nodded slowly. “Emmett said the same... that he forgave Dad because he is a different man now than he was back then and that he forgave the man that Dad is now.”

Justin smiled slightly, not able to help himself. “I am glad Emmett could also see that your father had changed. I know it might sound empty, but he has... The man that has raised you so well for five years...that man felt incredibly guilty and carried a heavy burden with him day in and out because he knew that what he had done was wrong and had caused everyone incredible pain. And I guess, I started to forgive him because I thought it was best for you, but with time... the more time I got to spend with him... I forgave him for himself. Because I loved him and knew that he had changed.”

“But you loved him before and now everyone says he has changed so much, but... you still loved him? How can you still love him if he changed so much?” It was clear that Luke was really struggling to understand what Justin was telling him about his father.

“Yes, I loved him, but... it was a different kind of relationship we had back then and I guess I loved him because I knew what kind of person he was deep down. Sometimes he was hiding that person very well, but he would show me his true self often enough... And that's who I loved. The person I knew your Dad was with me... The person I knew he could be. And when I came back from New York... After spending more time with you and him...I saw that he had finally become the person I had always known he could be. The person I had loved, but he had never allowed himself to be for fear of rejection. Thanks to you and Gus he had allowed himself to become that person and that's the person I forgave and fell in love with. That's the person I married.”

“Thanks to me and Gus?” Luke frowned.

“Yes, because you two loved him in the way only a child can love a parent. You two showed him that love didn't come at a price, that love wasn't something you had to earn and pay for. You two showed him that love just existed and it was okay to accept it. That accepting that love made you happy, gave you strength, helped you in ways you never knew. The fact that you and Gus loved him unconditionally just because he loved you and took care of you... it showed him that love was a wonderful thing and nothing to be scared of. Love wasn't something he had to be scared of, love wasn't something that hurt, it was something beautiful that made him happier than he ever thought he could be. He loved you and he wasn't scared of showing it the way he had been scared of showing his love before. He knew that with you and Gus he didn't have to be scared of you rejecting him. He loved you and for that you loved him back in the way only a child can love a parent. And I think it was the best feeling he ever experienced.”

“Did you ever regret forgiving him?” Luke asked, looking at his father from curious eyes.

“Not a single day,” Justin smiled widely as he looked at Luke. “Your Dad asked me a long time ago if I regretted that we didn't get married the first time he asked me, before I went to New York.”

“Do you?” Luke asked, wondering why his father was telling him this.

“No,” Justin shook his head, once again smiling.

“But if you had gotten married then... None of this would have happened, right?” Luke looked confused, not sure if he understood what his father was saying.

“Probably not, but something else might have happened. Your father was a different man then, not ready for love and committment like he was years later when I came back from New York. We might have broken up anyway... the marriage might not have worked anyway.”

“But you would have known about me.”

Justin slowly shook his head before he answered. “I don't think we would have had you, to be honest.”

When Luke frowned, Justin continued.

“You were conceived the night before I left for New York. I know this isn't something any teenager wants to hear about their parents, but... your Dad and I were having farewell sex in his apartment all night long and that's when you were conceived... If I had married him, if I hadn't left for New York... we might have never had you... we might have never had Vicky and that's a life I can't even imagine. I can't imagine a life without you and Vicky and I don't care how much pain and hard work it cost us to get to the point where we became a happy family. To me it was all worth it because I have the most wonderful children I could have ever wished for and... to imagine a life where you and Vicky aren't my children... No, I can't do that,” Justin looked right at Luke. “It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't change anything because the family we have now, have had for the last ten years... it's everything I've ever dreamed of and just the thought of not having that family... it's too painful to even imagine.”

“Really? You wouldn't change anything?”

“No, not if it risked losing what we have now,” Justin shook his head, then looked at Luke closely. “I know it doesn't seem that way, but I consider myself incredibly lucky. I know that after everything your father and I have already been through, after everything we've already mastered together... there is nothing that will ever pull us apart again and that's an incredibly powerful feeling. We've made it through the worst pain you can imagine, we have made it through sickness and betrayal and lies and more sickness and we're still here and going stronger than ever. That's an incredibly powerful feeling and I hope that one day... one day you will get to love someone just as I love your Dad and I know he loves me because... it's the best feeling in the world.”

Justin was smiling widely by the time he finished.

“And you're not even angry at him at all anymore?”

“No,” Justin said, his voice sincere as he spoke. “I was angry for a long time, but... it really didn't do anything for me. It didn't help me at all. Being angry only made things harder because it left me all alone. You, your Dad, your grandparents... you were a family. I was not part of that and my anger kept me an outsider. Forgiving all of them... it wasn't easy, but it was the best decision I ever made because it allowed me to become a part of that family as well and it allowed all of us to move on.”

“I am not sure that I can forgive them,” Luke whispered, looking at his hands in his lap. “I don't know if can just forget about the lies and betrayal.”

“Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, Luke,” Justin said seriously. “I forgave them, but I never forgot what they did. And neither did they. We're all aware of what happened, but decided to give our family another chance and to try and move on. It's not easy, I won't lie, but... I think it will be worth it in the end.”

“Don't you ever regret that you never got to hold me as a baby? That you didn't get to see me being born?”

Justin looked at Luke sadly, easily hearing his pain when he asked his questions.

“All the time,” he admitted. “But I can't only blame everyone else for that. I played my own part in that as well, Luke. And... while it wasn't easy to admit that to myself, I have and know my responsibility for missing these moments as well.”

“But you didn't know. Dad lied to you,” Luke pointed out.

“Yeah, but I knew that something was going on. When your Dad broke off all contact with me, I knew there had to be a reason. I came back to Pittsburgh to confront him and find out what the reason was and... your Dad hid from me and I never got to see him. So I went back to New York, hurt and dejected and I stayed in New York. And that is on me. Not your Dad. I knew that something must have happened for him to just end things like that. I could have tried harder to find out what it was, but I didn't. I stayed away in New York when I could have just come back and tried to confront him again and again. He couldn't have hidden from me for five years... But I didn't and that is on me, not your Dad.”

Luke eyed his father for the longest time before he spoke again. “Why didn't you come back before?”

Justin sighed, looking at Luke sadly. “Because the relationship that your father and I had been in at the time had been so fucked up... I felt like I couldn't face him again before I had made a name for myself and had become an artist that could live off his art. I felt like I had to prove to myself and your Dad that I could be an adult, could provide for myself... Could be the man I thought he wanted me to be so he would consider me an equal...”

“I don't think Dad ever cared about you being successful or not. I think he would have still loved you anyway,” Luke said quietly.

“Yeah, I think you're right, but at the time... I wasn't so sure... which is really due to the fact that we didn't communicate and didn't really tell each other what we wanted... It was a completely different relationship then and I am not sure it would have worked out. As crazy as it sounds... Maybe we needed all of this to happen so we could both realise what we really wanted and could finally admit it to ourselves. Maybe we needed those years apart to grow up and become the people we both needed to be to make this relationship work.”

“That's kind of fucked up,” Luke admitted.

“I guess it is, but... that's kind of what we and our relationship were like back then,” Justin replied honestly. “I would never wish the pain and betrayal I felt when I found out the truth about you on anyone... It's the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life, but... it got us to where we are now. It got us to the point where we decided to have your sister, where we decided to get married... I would never want to change that for anything.”

“But we're not that happy family now,” Luke said quietly.

“No,” Justin agreed sadly. “But I haven't given up hope that we can be that family again one day. Luke, I know that you're angry with us and you're allowed to be. I was angry and I didn't forgive people in a week, but... I hope that one day you will also come to realise how much everyone loves you and how much you love them and... maybe... we'll all be able to work through this together one day and move on just like your Dad and I were able to ten years ago.”

“Jenny said I should be more grateful for the fact that I have two fathers that love me and shouldn't be so harsh on you when pretty much everyone else has lost a parent in one way or another,” Luke admitted quietly, not looking at Justin, but at his hands.

“And she is entitled to her opinion, but so are you to yours,” Justin moved the chair closer to the bed and reached out a hand to touch Luke's hand. He gave it a soft squeeze. “You are entitled to be as angry with us for as long as you want to be. You are entitled to your feelings and emotions and no one can tell you how you should feel... I am sure what she said was impacted by the situation going on with her mother, but... she doesn't really know how you feel. She's not the one going through this, you are. And therefore it's totally up to you how you should react.”

When Luke didn't say anything to that, Justin squeezed his hand once more. “I just want you to know that... even when you're angry with us and hate us... we love you. Both your Dad and I love you more than anything and I really hope that one day... one day we can all talk about this and try to move on together as the family that we are, but... even if that will never happen... your Dad and I will never stop loving you, honey,” Justin ended, his voice breaking on the last words.

Luke eyed him and saw the emotions on his father's face. “I don't hate you,” he said quietly in a voice hardly above a whisper. “I know I said it, but... I don't... I was just so angry...”

Justin looked at him and nodded. “I know... so was I when I first found out. I remember yelling at your Dad that I hated him and... I never did... I was hurt, I was angry... but I never hated him and... when you asked me days later why I would say that I hated your Dad... I felt so bad because you had heard me in that moment of anger...”

“I remember that,” Luke said, now giving his father's hand a squeeze. “I guess I am your son after all...I don't think I ever really meant it either...”

When Justin saw the small smile on Luke's face, he couldn't help but smile himself. “Yes, you are. Not that there was ever much doubt about that,” he whispered as he ran a hand through Luke's blond hair that was so much like his own and looked at eyes that everyone said were so much like his own.

“Thank you for coming by, Papa... to check on me even though you knew I was okay,” Luke said sincerely, smiling slightly at his father. “You didn't have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Justin said.

“I know,” Luke said quietly, this time smiling wider.

They talked for another couple of minutes, before they decided that they had talked enough for one evening. When Justin said goodbye, his heart did little jumps when Luke promised that he would be in touch to keep his father updated on his ankle.

As far as Justin was concerned that promise was the best thing he had heard in days.

***

“Hey, you're late. Everything okay?” Brian asked quietly as Justin came into their bedroom. It was already late and he had already turned off the lights, but was still awake.

“Yeah,” Justin said as he settled on his side of the bed, leaning over to touch Brian's face. He gently ran his hand over his husband's cheek. “Luke and I talked.”

“That's good, right?” Brian asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

“I think so,” Justin nodded.

“Is he okay?” Brian asked in a voice that barely hid his concern.

“Yeah,” Justin said, meeting Brian's concerned gaze. “His ankle is fine and I think... I think other things are starting to heal as well.”

“Really?” Brian couldn't help but voice his surprise.

“Yeah, I think it will still take time, but... we took a step in the right direction today.”

“Then that's all that matters,” Brian said quietly, taking Justin's hand and giving it a squeeze.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed, smiling slightly. “I think he's slowly coming around...”

“You're a miracle worker, Sunshine,” Brian whispered as he leaned in and gave his husband a kiss.

“I think it was just time and he's ready,” Justin replied when the kiss ended. “I am just glad we were able to talk and... that things seem to be moving in the right direction.”

“That's good,” Brian agreed. “That's really good.”

“I'll be back in a minute,” Justin whispered, before he moved off the bed and towards their ensuite bathroom to get ready for the night.

As Brian watched after him, he couldn't help but whisper to the disappearing form. “That's better than good.”