Chapter 32

“I can't say that I expected to find you here, baby brother,” Gus said as he plopped down on Luke's bed and looked at his younger brother. He had just flown in from New York earlier that day and his Dad had just picked him up from the airport.

Luke just shrugged in response.

“Last time we spoke, you were still pretty adamant that you hated Papa and Dad,” Gus continued, looking at his brother from questioning eyes. “What happened to that?”

Luke sighed in annoyance, clearly annoyed by his brother's questions. “You know that I was angry and that I didn't meant it... everybody knows...”

“It's still a long way to moving back home,” Gus pointed out. And he meant it, he hadn't expected Luke to be back home for Christmas. The last time they had spoken Luke had still been angry at their fathers and had also been pretty angry at him for having forgiven them so easily.

“I am trying to work things out with them,” Luke just said. “It's not like I can ignore them for the rest of my life.”

“And it has nothing to do with you missing home, missing Papa and Dad?”

Luke glared at Gus, then lowered his eyes. When he replied, his voice was very quiet. “Maybe...”

“Look,” Gus said quietly, looking at his brother from warm eyes. “I am glad you're here. You're an annoying, little pest, but I am glad you're here. I know it'll mean the world to Dad and Papa.”

“Fuck off,” Luke just muttered, glaring at his older brother. His brother had earned that comment for calling him an annoying, little pest.

Gus slowly got up from the bed and walked towards the door. He turned around to look at Luke once more. “I mean it. It means the world to them that you're here. I haven't seen them this happy ever since they talked to us.”

“Why do you care so much about how they feel?” Luke frowned.

“They're my parents and I want them to be happy. They've been through enough shit already.”

“You really don't care, do you?” Luke asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Care about what?” Now it was Gus' turn to frown.

“About Dad's lie... about everyone going along with it... about the fact that it cost us five years with Papa?”

Gus sighed, but held Luke's gaze. “Of course I care, but... at the end of the day... it didn't nearly have as big an impact on my life as it had on yours and Papa's and... as far as I am concerned, Dad was always there for me when I needed him. It's more than I can say for my moms, that's for sure. He clearly feels sorry for what happened and regrets it very much. What's the point in being angry with him so many years later? Our life has gone on, he and Papa worked it out and we are one happy family. To me that's all that matters.”

Luke nodded slowly, taking in Gus' words. “You don't think it's Dad's fault that Papa stopped seeing you?”

Gus sighed once more. “That was because of a lie my mothers told him. Yes, they could only tell that lie because of Dad's lie, but... I know that Dad never wanted for Papa to stop spending time with me. Papa still came to Toronto after they had broken up, he still called me, sent me cards and gifts... He didn't stop seeing me because Dad broke up with him and lied about you. He stopped seeing me because my mothers lied to him. I am not going to blame Dad for their lies, too.”

“So you're not angry with him at all?” Luke frowned.

Gus shrugged. “I wouldn't say angry. I think I was pretty disappointed because... I don't know... I always thought Dad was better than that, you know? He was always there... he always loved us... he always put us first... even before his business when we were small... To hear the truth, I think I was disappointed because I always thought he was this great guy, but... I guess he's just human. Like any of us. And as humans we make mistakes. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't made any mistake of any kind,” he explained, only to be interrupted by Luke at that point.

“That was more than just a mistake.”

“Maybe, but at the end of the day he knows that what he did was wrong. He's sorry for what happened and as far as I am concerned, he tried to make up for it. He was always there for us, he worked things out with Papa, hell, they even got married... why hang on to something that's happened so many years ago when we've had ten happy years as a family since? I'd much rather remember those ten years full of happy memories with both Dad and Papa than some things that happened at a time so long ago.”

“It's not that easy,” Luke muttered, hanging his head.

“Life isn't easy. Sad, but true. In the end we all need to decide what's important to us and I decided that having two loving fathers was more important to me than hanging on to anger about something that wasn't even the worst thing to happen to me in my life...”

Luke stayed quiet, clearly hanging on to his own thoughts. Gus walked over to his side and squeezed his shoulders.

“You're getting there, baby brother. Just the fact that you're here shows that you're on the right way. I know you'll never admit it, but you love them just as much as they love you and you couldn't imagine a life without them being there to support you. And that's okay, you know?”

Luke only nodded slowly. After several seconds, he looked up at his older brother. “What about everyone else? The grandmas? The uncles? They all went along with it...”

Gus knelt down at Luke's side and looked at his brother. “And as far as I am concerned that's really between them and Papa. As far as I am concerned, they all loved me, supported me and were a loving family when I came to live with you and Dad. They were always there for me and... I love them. What happened back then was between them and Papa. They betrayed him and broke his trust and for whatever reason he forgave them. If he could, so can I. And I have a lot less to forgive them for than he had.”

“He forgave them because of me,” Luke said quietly, still not looking up at Gus. “He didn't want me to grow up with tension all around and fighting family members. He wanted me... us, really... to have a happy childhood with a loving family.”

“Sounds like a good enough reason to me,” Gus said quietly. “Papa always wanted us to be happy. He always put our happiness first. Just like Dad always did.”

“But... it means he forgave them for me, for us...but not for their own sake or for his sake....”

Gus could hear that Luke seemed really troubled by this and he wasn't quite sure why. “Maybe that's how it started, but Luke... you've been part of this family for long enough. You know how close Papa is with Grandma Jen, with Grandma Debbie... you know how much he enjoys being around the uncles... Maybe it started that way, but he couldn't be that close to them now if he hadn't also forgiven them for their own sake or his sake. Maybe it started that way many years ago, but I have no doubt that he loves all of them.”

“I guess,” Luke acquiesced. “I am just so damn confused,” he admitted next.

Gus stood up and once again squeezed his brother's shoulder. “You'll figure it out, baby brother. You're here now, that's a good start.”

With that he left his brother's room, leaving him alone to some of his thoughts.

***

Christmas had been a happy occasion in the Kinney-Taylor household, just as it had always been.

Brian and Justin had been beyond relieved and happy to have Luke back home for the holidays and had tried their best to make it a happy occasion for everyone without trying to overdo it.

Luke had agreed to join the family for Christmas dinner at Debbie's on Christmas Eve and had even joined in the conversations with the adults at times. It hadn't been like it had been before, but everyone could see that he was trying and in return everyone tried as well.

Brian and Justin had been glad that everyone seemed to accept Luke's boundaries and that no one seemed to pressure him when he wasn't ready for more and everyone just seemed happy about the fact that he was there and celebrating Christmas with their family.

Christmas day usually meant a huge dinner at Britin where the whole family met once more and compared to the day before at Debbie's place, it was obvious that Luke seemed even more at ease with his family than a day before.

Vicky loved having her brother home and loved Christmas in general, so as far as she was concerned the holidays were pretty perfect. Brian and Justin could only agree with her when they took her to bed on Christmas day after everyone had left.

On the 26th they had their usual Christmas brunch at Grandma Jen's house and once more the whole family came together. This time they were also joined by Aunt Molly and Aunt Daphne, who had celebrated Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their families.

Everyone had a good time and even though it was the third gathering in three days – which Brian reminded everyone of several times – the atmosphere was still fun and relaxed.

Brian frowned when Justin stood up and excused himself, but assumed he was just heading for the bathroom. He didn't think much of it and didn't see that Justin left the room, but didn't turn for the bathroom, but the bedrooms on the other side of the hallway instead.

Unlike Brian, Justin was so trained on watching his husband during these family celebrations, that he had immediately noticed when Luke had left the room twenty minutes ago. And he had also noticed that his son hadn't returned yet. Hoping that everything was okay, he decided to go in search of him. He wasn't really surprised when he found Luke in what used to be his old bedroom and was now mostly used as a guestroom by his mother.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked quietly as he entered the room, looking at Luke who was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Luke just nodded, but didn't reply.

Justin slowly made his way over to the bed as well and sat down at Luke's side, looking at his son in concern. “Usually it's your Dad that goes running off during these gatherings. I am not used to you disappearing.”

“I just needed a break,” Luke muttered, still only looking at the ceiling and not at his father.

“They can be a bit much, huh?” Justin chuckled as he looked down at his son.

“I am trying,” Luke said quietly, not adding anything else to his statement.

Justin nodded, his voice gentle when he spoke. “I know you are. You have no idea how proud I am of you for the way you're handling the holidays.”

“Proud?” Luke frowned, now turning to meet his father's concerned gaze.

“Yeah, I know how hard this is for you and I am proud of you for trying... for not running away, but for facing all of them and... not only facing them once, but doing it three days in a row.”

“Was it hard for you as well?” Luke asked, his voice now very quiet.

“You've got no idea,” Justin said equally quiet. “I didn't think I could do it and... back then... it was only dinner at Britin on Christmas Day.”

“But you did... I remember that Christmas. We gave Dad the painting and... everyone came and looked at it and said how great it was...”

“Yeah, that painting,” Justin rolled his eyes, then chuckled humourlessly. “Did more harm than good... or maybe not... I don't know.”

Luke frowned, clearly not understanding his father's comment.

Justin sighed. “It sent your Dad off the deep end,” he said quietly. “But I guess in the end that turned out to be a good thing because it really made us talk things through... what we wanted, where we wanted to go as individuals, but also as a family.”

“That painting?” Luke frowned, not quite sure he could believe what his father was saying.

“Yeah... your Dad was still feeling very guilty for what had happened at the time and when he got the painting... of all of us being happy... he didn't really think that he deserved to be a part of that after what he had done...And, let's just say his guilt got the better of him... But it got us talking and we worked it out. That was what made him start going to therapy, so... I guess in the end it turned out to be a good thing after all,” Justin smiled slightly.

Luke nodded, still not sure he understood completely, but maybe this was just something his parents could fully understand.

They stayed quiet for a few minutes, though the silence wasn't uncomfortable. It was Luke who broke the silence. “Papa?”

“Hmmm?” Justin nodded, looking at his son.

“Are the grandmas angry with me?”

“No, why would you think that?”

Luke shrugged. “I don't know... I just... I mean what happened mostly impacted your relationship with them. Maybe they think I have no right to be angry at them...”

“They understand your feelings and your reaction, Luke,” Justin said quietly. “They know why you're angry with them.”

“But do I have a right to be?” Luke asked, looking at his father from confused eyes. “As far as I am concerned... they have always been great to me. They always loved me... they always cared for me and were there for me... do I seem ungrateful now?”

Justin considered his reply for a few seconds, then spoke calmly. “They know that you being angry with them doesn't mean that you're not grateful for the love you got from them before. Those are two separate things.”

“I just... I don't think I want them to be angry with me,” Luke said quietly.

Justin looked at his son for the longest time. “They know that what they did back then was wrong, Luke. They know that not telling me the truth about you... was not their finest hour, let's put it that way. And they know that you're entitled to your feelings and your reaction to finding out that they were part of the lie your father told me. No one is angry with you because you're hurt and feel betrayed. They all understand the part they played and... they all understand why you're hurt.”

“I missed them, you know? I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it... I missed them these last few weeks,” Luke admitted quietly as tears came to his eyes.

“And that's alright,” Justin assured his son, his voice gentle as he spoke. “I missed them, too... They're your family, Luke. Of course you'd miss having them around.”

“Doesn't it make me weak that I missed them even though I am angry with them?”

“No, I think it makes you very strong,” Justin said sincerely. “You love them despite knowing the truth. And that's why you miss them because you still love them. Some say forgiving makes you seem weak, but... I don't think so. I think it takes a lot of strength to forgive someone you love for hurting you. And the first part to that forgiveness is to accept that you still love them and still want them to be a part of your life. I think the fact that you miss them and can admit that makes you very strong and it makes me very proud of you.”

“Thanks, Papa,” Luke said as he wiped away the tears that had gathered in his eyes.

Justin lay down next to Luke, opening his arms. He smiled when Luke moved over and rested his head on his chest like he had done so many times when he had been younger. He held his son close and spoke quietly.

“I know how hard this is for you... and I wish it wasn't like this. I really wish you could have been spared this, honey, but... I think in the long run knowing the truth will only make you stronger.”

Luke sniffed once, then nodded. “You didn't deserve any of this either,” he pointed out in a small voice.

“Unfortunately, life isn't always about what we deserve,” Justin sighed, holding his son close. “Sometimes we can only hold on and hope for the best.”

Luke nodded once more. After a while he moved his head off his father's chest and looked at him. “I am glad you were able to forgive Dad and everyone else. I... I can't imagine what our lives would have been like if you hadn't and... I think it makes you very strong.”

Justin smiled as he met Luke's gaze. “So do I. And I know that you're strong, too. Never doubt that, Luke.”

They stayed in the room for a couple more minutes before they returned and joined the rest of the family.

When it was Vicky's sixth birthday two days later, Justin was glad to see Luke interact more with the rest of the family as well.

There hadn't been any big conversations that he knew of, from what he could see it had just been something that Luke had decided. He had started to join in more conversations with other family members as well and before the day had been over, Justin had been happy to see Luke give his Grandma Debbie a hug.

He hoped that this was another sign that things were slowly returning to normal for their family. Hopefully they could finally move on and leave this topic behind them once and for all.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian whispered as he came up behind Justin and wrapped his arms around his husband's waist.

“Just how happy I am that everyone is here and that our family is complete again,” he whispered as he leaned into Brian's embrace, his eyes firmly fixed on where Luke was laughing at something Carl had told him and Gus.

“To be fair, I won't mind not seeing this sorry bunch for a while. Four times in five days is quite enough for me,” Brian said, though his eyes were dancing with mischief as he said it and Justin could also hear it in his voice.

“You know what I mean,” Justin admonished, resting one of his hands on Brian's that was now resting on his stomach.

“Yeah, I know,” Brian said, his voice now a lot more serious. He pulled Justin closer. “I know.”

“I think he'll be alright,” Justin said quietly, his eyes still focused on Luke's laughing form.

“I know he'll be... He's so much like you... How can he not be?” Brian said quietly.

“Has he mentioned anything to you about going back to Emmett's?” Justin asked, knowing that Luke hadn't said anything to him.

“No, he hasn't. He actually asked me yesterday if he could spend New Year's with Mark and Sam and if they could come over here to spend the night here,” Brian answered.

“He did?” Justin frowned, then smiled. As far as he was concerned that was good news. It meant that Luke planned to stay around until New Year's at least.

“You were so busy preparing everything for today, I wanted to mention it to you tomorrow,” Brian said as way of apology.

Justin nodded, then turned his head up, so he could kiss Brian. He smiled when Brian leaned down and met his lips. “I love you.”

“I had a feeling,” Brian whispered when the kiss broke. “You are the most amazing man I've ever met, do you know that?”

Justin smiled, running his hand over Brian's arm that was still holding him close. “I think you mentioned it once or twice.”

“You...this family... what our life is now... Twenty years ago that would have sounded like the worst idea ever, but now... I thank the Gods every day that things worked out this way.”

“We are quite lucky, aren't we?” Justin agreed with a happy smile.

“Because you made it all possible,” Brian whispered, leaning down for another kiss. “It's all thanks to you, Justin Kinney-Taylor.”

For once Justin didn't have anything to reply and just kissed Brian back, hoping to show him that way how much he loved him and their family and the life they had now.