Chapter 35

“So I guess your Dad still doesn't like me, huh? After all these years you'd think he might have gotten used to the idea of me being his son in law,” Brian said quietly after Gus and Luke had left them alone.

“Brian,” Justin sighed, then sank back and rested his head against the back of the sofa. “This isn't funny.”

“I wasn't joking,” Brian replied quietly, earning himself an incredulous look from Justin in return. He then sighed. “Come here,” he said quietly as he opened his arms, allowing Justin to settle into his embrace.

“How could they say these things to them? How could they be so cruel to their own grandchildren?” Justin asked, clearly still shocked by what Gus and Luke had told them earlier. “You'd think they'd be nicer to their grandchildren than to us... It's not like Gus and Luke asked to have gay fathers.”

“Sunshine,” Brian said quietly, running his hand over Justin's arm.

“They are innocent children. Jeez, Luke is only a teenager. How can they be so cruel?”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time, never letting go of his husband. “Are you really surprised?”

Now it was Justin's turn to stay quiet. After the longest pause he took a deep breath. “No,” he admitted quietly. “But... I would have hoped for Luke's sake that I was wrong and judging them too harshly.”

“We know what they're like and that they will never change, but Luke still believes in the good in people. And why shouldn't he?”

“I am going to kill my father... I swear I am going to kill him. How dare he speak like that to Gus and Luke?” Justin muttered angrily, not even replying to Brian's statement.

“And what would that achieve?” Brian asked, now leaving a kiss on the side of Justin's head. “You'd only end up in prison and as much as orange might be a colour that would suit you, conjugal visits just won't do... And it wouldn't help Gus and Luke either...”

“They shouldn't have been exposed to their bullshit,” Justin went on, the anger still very much present in his voice.

“No, they shouldn't have been,” Brian agreed quietly. “But they have been and maybe... maybe it's not a bad thing.”

“Not a bad thing?” Justin pulled back from Brian's embrace and looked at him wide-eyed.

“We can't protect them forever, Sunshine. We can't always be there when some homophobic asshole might take their anger out on them... You know that they were lucky. Growing up with the Liberty Avenue family, they never really met any homophobes and with how much we're paying that damn school, they better make sure to teach their students all about tolerance and acceptance,” Brian started, only to be interrupted by Justin at that point.

“St.James was an expensive school as well.”

“That never did anything to stop the homophobic bullying you were subjected to because they were fucking homophobes themselves, but... what I mean is... we did what we could to protect them from homophobes, but... we can't always make sure they won't encounter assholes in their lifes. Someone at school might say something about them having two fathers, someone they meet at extracurricular activities might say something, someone they meet at college or university... we can't shield them all their lives. All we can do is teach them how to deal with those people when they do encounter them...”

“They shouldn't have to deal with them to begin with. They never asked to have two gay dads, they never asked for us to be their parents,” Justin said quietly.

“And you never asked to be gay, did you? You never asked to be bullied by those assholes for something you had no choice in... Life isn't fair and... we were lucky enough that they grew up very protected compared to other kids, but... we can't always protect them,” Brian replied seriously.

“So what are you saying? I should just ignore what my Dad said to Gus and Luke and let him get away with it?”

“What good would confronting him do?” Brian asked as he looked at Justin from sad eyes. “He's not going to say that he's sorry, he's not even going to admit that what he did was wrong. Hell, he most likely won't even talk to you and will slam the door in your face. What good will talking to him do?”

“I don't know,” Justin admitted weakly. “But I don't like that he talked to them like that...”

“Neither do I,” Brian agreed. “And I don't like the way my mother acted either, but... let's be realistic here. Talking to them won't change a damn thing. It will only antagonize them further. Maybe we should just ignore what happened today, focus on Gus and Luke instead of them and... try to move on, you know?”

“Who are you and what have you done to my husband?” Justin asked as he looked at Brian from surprised eyes. “I would have expected you to storm out the door, race to your mother's house and rip her a new one.”

“And I would love to do that,” Brian agreed. “I am angry, Sunshine. I am fucking pissed at her and your Dad and I would love nothing more, but... maybe I am mellowing... I don't know... I just don't see the point in doing that. It won't make Luke feel any better. It won't change their opinion about us, so why bother? Why not focus on what is important here? Our family!”

“God, I hate when you're more reasonable than I am,” Justin said quietly, moving closer to Brian once more, resting his head on his husband's shoulder. “I am supposed to be the reasonable one.”

Brian actually chuckled in response. “Let me have this one moment. You can be the more reasonable one again next time.”

Justin nodded. “I know you're right... I just hate that Luke got hurt. He looked so disappointed. I think he was really hoping that they would welcome him with open arms.”

“I know,” Brian said sadly, pulling Justin closer. “And if only for his sake I wish things might have been different, but you and I... we know they're not going to change and...we made our peace with that a long time ago. Now it's time for him to make his peace with that as well. And he will. You know he will. He's strong.”

“I just wish he wouldn't have gotten hurt,” Justin sighed. “After everything he already went through this month... he's been through so much.”

“And he's made it through all of that in one piece. He's strong. He'll be fine. Gus is right, we need to give him a bit of time to come to terms with that rejection... and once he has, he'll be fine. We can't always protect him from getting hurt.”

“I know,” Justin moved down and lay his head in Brian's lap, looking up at his sad face. “Gus seemed pretty okay, all things considering.”

Brian nodded in agreement. “I don't think he ever had any hopes where Craig and my mother are concerned. He probably heard our stories about them and made his peace with them not being a part of his life a long time ago.”

“I am glad he went with Luke. I know I was angry at first, but now... I am glad that Luke didn't have to go and meet them on his own and that Gus went along and stayed with him. He's a good big brother.”

“So, what are we going to do about these little visits?” Brian asked, absentmindedly running his hand through Justin's hair as he spoke.

“I think Gus is right. Luke has already been punished enough by how the day went and Gus only wanted to help and protect him. I don't think we should punish them,” Justin said quietly, relieved when Brian nodded in agreement.

“I agree. I think they've both learned their lesson and I am more worried about Luke than angry...”

So in the end they decided not to punish Gus and Luke for seeking out their grandparents without letting their parents know first and decided to leave things as they were and to instead focus on supporting their sons as well as they could.

They stayed in the living-room for a bit longer, before they moved into the kitchen to start dinner preparations.

***

“I am not hungry,” Luke announced when he heard a knock on his door.

“I know you are,” Brian said quietly as he entered the room, carrying a plate in his hand. “That's the one thing you and your Papa will always have in common.”

Luke just rolled his eyes in annoyance, then turned away from his father. “Leave me alone.”

“And let this good Lasagna go to waste? Your Papa made me help because you weren't around. I won't let my hard work go to waste now,” Brian said seriously as he put the plate on Luke's desk.

“Lasagna? I thought we were going to have leftovers from Vicky's birthday,” Luke said, sounding surprised despite wanting to put on an air of indifference.

“Your Papa changed his mind,” Brian shrugged. “Said you deserved some comfort food, so he made Lasagna instead, knowing how much you love it.”

“He shouldn't have,” Luke said quietly.

“Well, he did and it's too late to change that now,” Brian said equally quietly. “Come on, eat! You know you're hungry and you love Lasagna. He made it just for you.”

“Is that your new way of punishing us?” Luke asked, now turning around again and looking at his father questioningly.

“Punishing you?” Brian frowned, leaning against the wall. “We're not going to punish you.”

“Why not? I know that you're both angry with me...”

“We're not angry,” Brian sighed.

“Well, you could have fooled me earlier...”

Brian sighed again. “Luke,” he started, now moving over to the bed and sitting down on its edge. “Yes, we were angry earlier, but that was mostly because we had only found out and didn't understand why you would actually go and seek them out behind our backs. We would have prefered to have known in advance, but... we're not angry anymore.”

“You wouldn't have let me go if I had told you in advance,” Luke said, now looking angrily at his father.

“Maybe not,” Brian admitted. “But maybe we would have after you had talked it over with us and had explained your reasoning.”

“You hate them!” Luke said quietly. “You wouldn't have wanted me to ever meet them, I know that.”

“Only because we wouldn't have wanted you to get hurt the way you did today,” Brian said seriously. “Your Papa and I... we know them... we've known what they think about us for years and... we have more or less accepted it and made our peace with it. They are not a part of our lives for a reason and that reason is not necessarily that we didn't want them to be... it's that they didn't want to be. That they didn't think they could be in our lives as long as we lived our life the way we did...”

“As gay men,” Luke said quietly.

“Yes, as gay men.”

“But it's not like you had a choice and chose to be gay,” Luke pointed out.

“No, we didn't, but that didn't matter to them. Your father's dad... he always acted like it was a choice that your Papa made and he kicked him out of his life for that choice. It wasn't your father that kicked him out of his life... your father was kicked out of his home, out of his family at the age of 17 for something he didn't have any choice in... He was arrested by his own father for standing up for his rights and demanding protection before the law when his own father felt it was his duty to support a political campaign that would take away the rights of the LGBT community. His own father didn't come to visit your Papa once while he was in hospital fighting for his life after the attack at his prom, even going as far as saying that he had been at fault for provoking an upstanding Christian boy like Chris Hobbs with his sinful behaviour,” Brian's voice had risen while he had spoken, clearly showing what he thought of Craig Taylor.

“You really don't like him, do you?” Luke asked, a small smile of amusement on his lips as he watched his father's angry face.

“No,” Brian said quietly. “I never have and I never will... he's always been an asshole and he treated your Papa very badly for something that was not a choice.”

“What about your mom?” Luke asked, slowly sitting up and resting his back against the pillows on his bed.

“There's no love lost there either,” Brian admitted. “You know that my parents weren't good parents.“

Luke nodded. “She was really drunk when we went to see her this afternoon.”

Brian sighed, then nodded. “Yeah, I am not surprised. She's always tried to find peace in a bottle of sherry. She was too busy getting drunk and going to mass to care about me or my well-being.”

“I know that Papa always said that his Dad used to be a good dad until he came out as gay, that he had a happy childhood,” Luke started and Brian nodded, knowing that Luke was right. “Do you have any good memories of your mom?”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time, then spoke very quietly. “Not many... As I said, she was too drunk and too concerned with what her friends at church were thinking to care about me and... once she found out that I was gay... well, she had just found another reason to despise me... I guess there are some nice memories. Some good days, you know? But not many, no.”

“I am sorry, Dad,” Luke said, looking at his father from sad eyes.

“There's nothing for you to be sorry for. She made her choice, just like your Papa's dad made his choice... Nothing that can be done about it, but move on, you know?”

“Did you? Move on, I mean?” Luke asked, looking at his father intently.

Brian turned to look at Luke, a small smile on his face. “Not for many years... but then your Papa came along... Gus came along... you came along... and you all showed me that love was something I deserved as well. And with time, I realised how much my parents' behaviour had hurt, how much damage it had done to me. So I started to see a therapist to help me deal with it and in the end... yeah, I was able to move on.”

“That's good,” Luke nodded, then stopped. “Well, not that she treated you that way, but that you were able to move on from that.”

“Luke, I know you wanted her to welcome you like a grandmother normally would welcome a grandchild, but... she's not that kind of person. I made my peace with the knowledge that she's a homophobic, Christian nutjob a long time ago and I am only sorry that you had to listen to her spew her shit when you had wanted another outcome. Your Papa and I, we're not angry with you for seeking out my mother and his dad. We're mostly sad that you had to see her and him in the way we have known them for a long time,” Brian admitted sadly.

“I was an idiot,” Luke said quietly, not looking at his dad, but at his hands in his lap.

“No, you weren't,” Brian immediately contradicted.

“Gus... Jenny... they both said that it was a bad idea, but I didn't want to listen to them and thought that I knew better than they did...”

“Luke,” Brian started, carefully thinking about how to best respond to that. “Gus and Jenny have both had to make their peace with having less than perfect parents. They have both had to make their peace with having parents in their lives that didn't love them the way they should have been loved and I think those experiences made it a lot easier for them to accept that some parents are a lost cause than it might have been for you, who has never had to experience anything like that. Quite on the contrary, you heard Jenny's story about coming here, seeking out long lost family members and it all worked out well for her... I don't think that hoping for the same outcome for yourself makes you an idiot, it just speaks to the different experiences you all had growing up.”

“I am sorry you and Papa had such shitty parents,” Luke said next, meeting his father's gaze. “You would have deserved better parents.”

“I am sorry you had to meet them... I wish you would have been spared that,” Brian replied seriously. “God knows that no one should be punished like that.”

Luke actually chuckled at that. “I only met them for a couple of minutes. You had to deal with them for years and years.”

“And look at how it messed me up,” Brian said, making a face. “I wouldn't wish that on anyone.”

Luke slowly moved over and sat down next to his dad. He bumped his shoulder against his father's, then rested his head on his father's shoulder, much like his Papa usually did. “I think you turned out alright in the end.”

Now it was Brian's turn to chuckle. “Well, if you say so...”

“You are a much better parent than they could ever wish to be. You are nothing like them which makes you pretty alright by default.”

“Now if that isn't a ringing endorsement,” Brian laughed, putting his arm around Luke's shoulder and holding him close.

Luke leaned into the embrace. “I mean it, Dad. You are a much better parent than they could ever hope to be. You were always there for us, always loved us and made us your priority, always did what would be best for us and I know that you and Papa will always love us, no matter what.”

“Thanks,” Brian said quietly, feeling quite emotional after having listened to Luke's words. “Though I might have to rethink the always loving you if you end up as a serial killer.”

Luke laughed out loud at that statement and shook his head in amusement. “I love you, Dad.”

“And I love you, sonny boy,” Brian replied, smiling at his son as he held him close. “Always, no matter what!”

“Thanks for never having treated us the way they treated you and Papa,” Luke said quietly, his voice now utterly serious.

“Well, we both had good examples of the kind of parents we never wanted to be,” Brian said just as seriously.

“And I am glad you never were like them at all. You are so much better!”

Brian smiled gently and pulled his son close. “I know I haven't always been perfect either...”

Luke knew that his dad was refering to the whole mess of recent weeks, the truth about what had happened when Luke had been born and the years afterwards and nodded. “No, maybe not, but no matter what, you always loved us... that's more than they can say for themselves.”

Luke bumped his shoulder against his father's once more, then got up and moved over to his desk where the Lasagna was waiting for him.

“I can't believe Papa would have gone through all the trouble.”

“He knows how much you love Lasagna and wanted to cheer you up,” Brian said, getting up from Luke's bed as well.

“I do feel a bit hungry, if I am honest,” Luke admitted as he looked at the plate in front of him.

“Of course you do,” Brian chuckled, then picked up the plate. “It's cold by now. Come down and warm it up before you eat it, okay?”

“Okay,” Luke agreed, then followed his father out of his room.

When they entered the kitchen, they found Justin sitting at the kitchen table, looking at some sketches he had done in previous days. He looked up when he heard them coming in and it was clear that he hadn't really expected to see both Brian and Luke.

He seemed even more surprised when Luke came over and hugged him.

“Thanks for the Lasagna, Papa. I love you!”

“You're welcome,” he replied, his eyes meeting Brian's, who just nodded with a smile on his face, indicating that everything was okay, before he moved over to the microwave.

“I love you, too,” Justin said, hugging Luke back.

Luke sat down in the chair next to Justin's and looked at the sketches as well while he waited for the Lasagna.

When it was warmed up and he ate it, his fathers kept him company and light conversation settled over the room.