Chapter 15

Brian and Justin sat down on the sofa and looked at Gus and Luke who were sitting on the other sofa, looking back at them in confusion.

“What's with the serious faces?” Gus asked as he looked from Brian to Justin and back.

“Yeah, what's going on? What do you want to talk to us about?” Luke asked, seemingly just as confused as his older brother.

Brian and Justin had asked the boys the previous night to keep their afternoons clear as there was something they needed to talk about and now the time for that conversation had come.

“Your Dad and I asked you to stay home today because there is something we need to tell you. Something you might already know, something you might have already figured out yourself or something you might have wondered about but never asked us about,” Justin started, looking at his sons from serious eyes.

“Is this THE talk? I thought we already covered that when you made me practise putting the condom on the cucumber,” Luke muttered, shuddering as he thought back to that particular day when his dads had sat him down and explained all about safe sex to him. Gay and/or straight, they weren't judging, but just wanted him to be protected.

“Then why am I here? Been there, done that,” Gus threw in, looking from Luke to his fathers. “You seem awfully serious. Is everything okay?”

“It's not THAT talk,” Brian said quietly, avoiding meeting either boys' eyes. “But it could turn out to be equally unpleasant.” He was glad when he felt Justin's hand on his leg, the physical connection immediately calming him down a bit.

“Are you sick again?” Luke blurted out, his eyes immediately showing the worry he felt.

“No, I am not sick. I am fine. It's nothing like that,” Brian immediately calmed Luke's worries, meeting his concerned gaze. “Really, I am fine.”

“Then what is this about? You're worrying me,” Gus admitted as he looked at his fathers.

“It's actually about something that happened in our past. All our pasts,” Justin said, trying to find the right words to explain what he knew would probably change the dynamics in their family for some time to come, if not forever. “It's something we want to explain to you in our own words. Last week, when Jenny's mother came here, she made some accusations and insinuations refering to all our pasts and your Dad and I want you to know the truth from us. We both think that she will try to cause more trouble for us and will probably think that she can hurt us by throwing around these accusations and we don't want either of you to be unprepared for that. We want you to know the truth from us so you can make up your own mind and decide how you want to react.”

“This is about what she said to you, about you abandoning me just like she did and not being any better than her, isn't it?” Gus asked, looking at his father from troubled eyes.

“It's part of that, yes,” Justin admitted, “but there's more. A lot more.”

“I told you that I don't believe her lies. I know that it wasn't your fault and I don't blame you for it,” Gus immediately interjected.

Justin smiled at Gus, smiled at the love he heard in his son's words. “And I am grateful for that, Gus, but there is more. A lot more. Not just concerning you, but also concerning Luke.” Justin's eyes now wandered to his younger son, who looked at him from widened eyes.

After a couple of seconds Luke spoke. “Is this about when you were in New York?”

“Yes,” Justin nodded, holding Luke's gaze as he spoke. “I know that you've never asked us about those years, but you need to know the truth about why I wasn't around. You deserve to know it and you need to know it in order to deal with whatever she might throw our way.”

It was once again Gus who interrupted, now looking at his Dad. “That's what she was talking about when she said you had cost your son years with his father... She wasn't talking about me; she was talking about Luke...”

Meeting Gus' gaze head on, Brian nodded. “Yes, she meant Luke.”

Gus looked like something was finally falling into place, looking from Brian to Justin and back.

“That's the bad thing you said you had done when he came back from New York...That's why Papa was so angry with you back then,” Gus muttered, finally putting together the pieces that had always been right there in front of him.

“Gus,” Justin said, seeing how his son's brain was finally putting together what had happened all those years ago.

“Yes,” Brian whispered, “It was because of me.”

“What was because of you? What... I don't understand,” Luke said, looking at everyone in the room with him, not sure he could follow the conversation that seemed to be going on between his parents and his older brother. “What are you talking about?”

Gus was about to reply to his brother, but Justin beat him to it. “We want to explain this to you. To both of you. But please...I know this is an emotional matter and what you will hear might be painful and might make you angry, but... can we please try to stay calm? And can you please let us explain? Your Dad and I want to explain, but we want to explain it all to you. You need to let us finish, so you will have all the facts, not just part of the truth.”

Hearing the plea in Justin's voice, both boys nodded in the end.

“Thanks,” Justin nodded as well, before he took Brian's hand and gave it a supporting squeeze. He was glad when Brian squeezed back. Whatever would happen next, they would face it together. Just as Justin was about to start talking, he was surprised to hear Brian's voice. He had expected that he would have to be the one to tell their sons the truth, knowing how affected Brian still was by what had happened all those years ago, but Brian's voice was calm and steady as he started speaking.

“To understand all of it, we need to go back a bit. We need to explain a bit about our past, so you have a better understanding of everything that happened,” he started, before he took a deep breath. “Gus, you might still remember some things, but you were only a small boy back then and still living with your mothers, so I doubt that even you know all the details.” He looked at his son from sad eyes, before he continued speaking.

“Your father and I weren't always together like we are now. We were in a relationship, but it was a very different relationship to the one we have now. Which was mostly due to me. I was a very different person back then.”

Brian stopped for a second, looking at Justin from rueful eyes. Justin nodded in encouragement and gave his hand a squeeze which gave Brian the strength to go on.

“Back then I didn't believe in love. I didn't believe in relationships and I didn't believe that homosexuals should have families and should become imitations of heterosexuals. I believed in sex, not love and what we had back then could at best be described as an open relationship.”

At that point Gus interrupted his father. “But you were supposed to get married. I remember that I was supposed to be the ring bearer.”

“Yes, and neither of us would have been ready for that,” Brian said, shaking his head sadly. “Back then I wanted to marry your father because I thought it would make him happy and because I was scared of losing him... there had been a bomb and I thought he might have died and when I found out he hadn't... I was scared to lose him and thought that marrying him would make sure he wouldn't disappear from my life. But before that bomb... we had been broken up for months. Your father broke up with me because I didn't want to commit to him... because I didn't want to give him the family he wanted. So we basically went from broken up to engaged in two days.”

“Is that why you never got married back then?” Luke asked, looking at both his fathers.

“The truth is neither of us was ready for it. Back then we gave ourselves different reasons, justifying why it was the right decision not to get married after all, blaming it on my career and your Dad's views on commitment, but the reality is that it would have only ended badly. Neither of us was ready. Your Dad wasn't ready for a commitment like that and I wasn't ready because I would have married him for the wrong reasons. Yes, I loved your father even back then, but I would have married him to secure my place in his life and that would have never worked. I hadn't even finished my education back then, I hadn't really started my career... we were both different people back then and at very different places in our lives,” Justin replied, trying to explain how different both of them had been back then.

“But you still came to Canada to visit me. Together, I mean. Even after the wedding was cancelled,” Gus said then.

“Yes, we did. For a time we tried to make it work. Your father had moved to New York to work on his career as an artist and we had agreed to try and keep a relationship going with him in New York and me in Pittsburgh. We tried to make it work and I guess it did for a time,” Brian went on, getting ready for what he knew would be the hard part. “Until I found out that I was pregnant... with you,” he added as he met Luke's confused gaze.

Luke's face showed his confusion and it was clear that he couldn't quite follow. “Why did that change anything?”

“It shouldn't have,” Brian sighed, taking a deep breath before he continued. “But it did. It changed everything.”

“I don't understand,” Luke admitted, looking from Brian to Justin and back.

Brian then went on to explain in a halting voice how his pregnancy had changed everything. How he had gotten it into his head that Justin would feel caught in a family and would be too young to settle down for a family life like that and how it could only end badly. How he made the decision not to tell Justin about the pregnancy, so he could work on the career he deserved. How he broke off all contact with Justin and disappeared when he knew that Justin had come looking for him, all in an effort to keep his pregnancy a secret from the one man who should have known from the beginning. How he got the other family members to agree to keep his secret for him and how in the end Justin accepted that they were over and stayed in New York.

He explained everything, explained about his pregnancy, about his problems with Michael and also explained about Lindsay's lie to Justin, how she had told him that his continued visits with Gus in Canada were causing tension with Brian, seeing how he and Justin were over and how it would be better for everyone if he stopped seeing Gus, after all he wasn't really a parent anyway and merely his father's ex-boyfriend. How he had thought that Justin had moved on and that that had been the reason for his visits with Gus stopping, how life had gone on like that for months and months. He explained about all the problems Michael and Lindsay had caused for him by reporting him to child protection services and how it had all escalated to the point where Lindsay had tried to take Luke with Michael's help. He explained about the trial and how Melanie had claimed that his rights to visitation with Gus were void once Lindsay had been sentenced and put away in prison. How she had refused to follow their custody agreement and had stopped him from seeing Gus. How he had gotten himself a lawyer and had fought for his visitation and had in the end been awarded sole custody of Gus. How Gus had come to live with him and Luke at Britin, how he had tried to stay in contact with Melanie so she could visit Gus and how Melanie had just disappeared with Jenny, leaving Toronto without another word to anyone in their family. How he had told Luke about his father and him being in New York but had never been honest with him about the reason why Justin was in New York. How he had told Luke that it was to work on his career when in reality Justin had never known about Luke's existence to begin with.

Brian told them everything and didn't hold back until he got to the point when Justin came back from New York.

When Brian was done talking, dead silence settled over the living-room. No one said anything. Gus and Luke were clearly still trying to wrap their heads around all they had just been told and Brian and Justin hung on to their own memories of that painful time.

The silence lasted for several minutes, before Justin broke it. “Gus... Luke... Say something. Please!” He looked at both his sons and could see a myriad of emotions on their faces.

The silence lasted for several more minutes, before Luke broke it. And when he did, both his fathers couldn't have been more surprised. They had both expected Luke to be angry, had known that he would be, but they had expected him to be angry with Brian and both men seemed surprised when he instead went and attacked Justin.

“How could you... how could you fucking go back to him after what he did?”

“Luke, I...,” Justin started, for a moment too flustered by his son's angry outburst that had been directed at him.

“Is he that good in bed? Good enough to make you forget about what he did to you and me and to just go back to him like nothing had happened?” Luke spat angrily as he got up from the sofa and ran out of the room.

“I hate you! Both of you!” He yelled as he stopped in the doorway for a second before he ran upstairs. He didn't react when Justin called after him to please stay in the room, so they could talk and he also didn't react when he heard his Dad call his name angrily.

“Luke!”

“Brian, please...,” Justin said sternly, trying to get Brian to calm down.

“I will not have him talk to you like that,” Brian just replied, having turned into full protective mode where Justin was concerned.

“He's angry...,” Justin said weakly, holding on to Brian's hand. “Let him be!”

At first it seemed like Brian was ready to fight him on it, in the end he just nodded though. It looked as if all fight was leaving him the moment he nodded and for the moment Justin was glad that Brian wouldn't fight him on this.

“Let me talk to him,” he just said quietly, giving Brian's hand a squeeze. When his husband nodded, Justin sighed in relief. That was at least one fight he wouldn't have to fight that day.

“Gus? Say something,” Justin then urged his older son, looking at where he was still sitting on the sofa, looking beyond dumbfounded by all he had just heard.

“Not now,” Gus just muttered, before he got up as well. “I... I need some time,” he just said before he left the room as well.

“Shit,” Justin muttered, looking after him with worry in his eyes.

“That went well,” Brian muttered dejectedly, running a hand over his face in what could only be described as utter emotional exhaustion. The last two hours, telling their sons about the darkest time in their history as a couple had taken a lot out of him. Justin would have known that even if he hadn't been able to see it so clearly on his face.

“We just need to give them some time to process it all. That was a lot of information to deal with,” he said, looking at Brian in concern. He could feel him shutting down by the second and it scared him. He didn't want Brian to shut him out, not right now. Not when they needed each other. “Are you okay?”

When Brian just looked at Justin as if he was crazy, Justin had to admit to himself how stupid that question had been. Of course he wasn't. Neither was he himself. How could they be, knowing that both their sons were hurting?

“Shit,” Justin just muttered once again as he leaned his head against Brian's shoulder. “I am sorry,” he said quietly after a minute of silence, not looking up from where his head rested. He didn't have to though for Brian to know how guilty he was feeling.

“Why would you be?” Brian asked, wrapping his arms around his husband, hoping to give him some comfort that way.

“If I hadn't insisted that we tell them,” the younger man started only to be interrupted by Brian right away.

“You were right about that. And we both agreed. They needed to know. Both of them...”

“But maybe we should have waited. I mean Melanie hasn't even been in contact at all this week.”

“It would have only delayed the inevitable. It was the right thing to do. They needed to know, Sunshine. You know that,” Brian said quietly, holding Justin tight. “What's this? You don't normally go back on your decisions like that...”

“He said he hated us,” Justin whispered, but then didn't go on.

“And I am sure he's already regretting that he said it. He was angry. You said it yourself,” Brian said, wondering how he had suddenly become the one to comfort Justin when all week Justin had been the strong one and the one who had seemed better prepared for the emotional aftermath of this conversation. “We knew he would be... After hearing something like that...”

Justin sighed deeply, cuddling closer to Brian. “I know, it's just... hearing him say that...it hurts.”

“I know,” Brian whispered, knowing indeed because hearing those words had also cut right into him and had torn out his heart as well. “I know.”

They stayed in each other's arms for a couple of minutes before Brian pulled back and looked at Justin in concern. “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” the younger man said, his voice sounding slightly less emotional.

“I think I should go and check on Luke. See if he's calmed down a bit by now,” Brian said, but was stopped by Justin shaking his head.

“No, let me.”

“Sunshine...,” Brian started, but Justin only shook his head again.

“I know that you think that you deserve his anger and that I don't, but... he has a right to be angry with me as well. You won't be able to stay calm if he says something about me in his anger. We both know it, Brian... Let me talk to him. I can deal with him being angry with me.”

At first it looked like Brian was going to argue, but then he just sighed. “Alright...”

They both knew that Justin was right. Brian's earlier outburst had just shown that. As far as Brian was concerned Justin had been the innocent party in all of this and anyone who dared to say anything else and dared to say anything against him would have to deal with the wrath of Brian. Justin on the other hand knew why Luke was angry and could understand him. The very thing Luke had accused him of earlier had been something he had heard before. Maybe not in the same words, but he knew that Daphne for example had been less than happy about him getting back with Brian after everything had happened. Yes, she had changed her tune by now and supported them, hell, she had even been his best woman when he had married Brian, but back in the day, she had pretty much voiced the same thing Luke had thrown at him earlier. Not in the same words and not for the same reasons, Daphne had mostly been concerned that he would get hurt again by Brian, but at the end of the day it had been the same accusation. How could he go back to Brian after everything he had done? And he knew that Luke had a right to get an answer to that even if Brian might not understand where Luke's anger was coming from or if he thought it was unjustified.

“It will be alright,” Justin said and he wasn't sure if he was saying it more for his own benefit or Brian's at that point.

He then got up and left the room to go looking for his son, knowing that for the moment Brian would be alright.

***

“Luke, can I come in?” Justin asked after he had knocked and opened the door slightly.

“Go away!” His son angrily threw back, giving him an answer to his question.

“I just want to make sure that you're okay,” he went on quietly as he entered the room, surprised when he saw Luke packing his sports bag, angrily throwing clothes into it. And not his soccer clothes. Normal, everyday clothes. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I am packing!” His son angrily gave back as he grabbed a pair of jeans and stuffed them into the bag.

“Why?” Was all Justin could ask, not quite sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Why? You're asking me why?” Luke turned away from his bag and angrily glared at his father. “You're not expecting me to stay here with you and Dad... I told you, I hate you! I fucking hate you!”

“I know that you're angry,” Justin started, but didn't get any further.

“Angry? I passed angry about an hour and a half ago,” Luke yelled, turning back to his sports bag.

“Can we please talk about this?” Justin asked, looking at Luke pleadingly.

“What is there to talk about? Dad is an asshole and you're a spineless prick.”

“I get that you're angry, but things are a bit more complicated than that,” Justin said calmly, trying not to be too affected by the insults Luke had just thrown at him and Brian.

“Really? Looks pretty simple to me: Dad lied about me to you, you found out the truth and basically decided that it didn't matter that he had lied for years and kept us apart and ran right back into his arms.”

“That is not what happened, Luke,” Justin said quietly. He could understand that Luke was angry, but things weren't quite as simple as that.  “Your Dad and I needed a long time before we could move on from what had happened. It took me a long time to forgive him.”

“But you did! You even married him! Did you even care that he lied? Did you even care that you missed five years of my life because of him?” His son angrily yelled, tears now running down his beautiful face.

“Of course I cared,” Justin said, his voice as gentle as he could make it. “You have no idea how hard it was for me when I found out the truth and how long it took me to move on from what had happened. I was just as angry as you are now when I found out...”

“Yeah, but you forgave him. I will not! And I won't forgive you either...”

Justin knew that there was no point in talking to Luke now, not when everything was still so fresh and he was that angry. Instead he turned towards the sports bag. “Where are you going?”

“I don't know,” Luke muttered. “It's not like there's anyone in this family that I can trust. They were all in on it and you forgave all of them as well!”

“Luke, you're 15. You don't have any money,” Justin pointed out.

“I have money. I saved from my birthday,” Luke shot back.

“But you're still 15. You can't stay anywhere without us signing for it. Please, honey...”

“I will leave! I am not going to stay here with the two of you. I will figure it out,” Luke muttered as he grabbed the sports bag.

Justin looked at his son and felt a sense of panic rise inside of him. He knew that Luke was serious and would leave. And he knew enough about what could happen to young boys his age on the streets on their own which was a fate he couldn't even bear to think about. Remembering something Luke had said earlier, a thought came to his mind.

“Emmett didn't know,” he said, looking at his son.

“What?”

“You said you couldn't trust anyone in our family because they were all in on it and lied as well...but... Emmett didn't know. He stopped talking to your Dad when he started ignoring me and ended all communication with me. Emmett never knew until I told him about you. He only found out after I did.”

“Good for him,” Luke muttered, heading for the door with the bag on his shoulders.

“Go to Emmett's,” Justin said, his voice almost pleading. “I know you're angry, I know you hate us, but I want you to be safe, Luke. I don't want you to get hurt out there. Go to Emmett, he'll take care of you and will make sure that you're okay. And you can trust him because he never knew what was going on. Please...”

Luke stopped in his tracks and seemed to consider what Justin had said.

“I will not stop you. I will even call the taxi for you and pay for it, but please... I just want to know that you'll be safe and taken care of. Emmett didn't know...,” Justin said once more, hoping that he could get through to his son.

“But he's friends with you and Dad even though he knows the truth...”

Justin sighed. If it was an option, he would have suggested for Luke to go to Daphne's, but she was too far away and as far as options in Pittsburgh went, Emmett was all he could come up with if he wanted to be sure that his son was taken care of.

“Yes, but you know, Emmett. Once you stay with him all that will matter to him will be your well-being. Emmett loves you and would never do anything you wouldn't be comfortable with. Just... please... you can trust Emmett.”

After staying silent for the longest minutes of Justin's life, Luke finally nodded. “Alright...”

Justin sighed in relief, thankful that he had at least gotten Luke to agree to that much. He knew that he couldn't ask for more. Not right now. He went towards Luke's bedroom door, looking at his son sadly as he left. “I'll call the taxi now.”

Luke just nodded but didn't say anything else.

Ten minutes later Justin stood in the hallway, calling up for Luke. “Luke, the taxi is here.”

Brian had heard Justin's voice and came into the hallway just at the same time as Luke came down the stairs with his sports bag.

“What's going on?” He asked, looking from Justin to Luke and back.

“Not now,” Justin said to his husband, throwing him a look that urged him to stay quiet for now. “I'll explain later.” He then turned towards Luke. “I've called Emmett. He knows that you're coming and is expecting you. Please, just stay with him, okay?”

Luke nodded at his father shortly, then left his home without another glance at either of his parents or without another word to them.

“What was that about?” Brian asked, frowning when he heard a car drive away outside.

“He doesn't want to stay here... I could get him to agree to go and stay with Emmett for the time being...,” Justin said, turning towards Brian. “It was the best compromise under the circumstances.”

Brian eyed Justin carefully and could see the strain of the previous couple of hours on his face. Even though he had a lot of things to say about that he knew that now was not the time.

“Why Emmett?” He asked instead.

“Because Emmett is the only one who didn't know at the time. He says he can't trust any of the family and... I think he was ready to run away... At least with Emmett we know that he'll be safe and taken care of. Emmett will look out for him.”

Brian nodded, knowing that it was true. Emmett loved their kids and would look out for Luke and his best interests.

“Are you okay?” Brian came over and brushed a strand of hair out of Justin's face.

“No... I am not okay,” Justin whispered, looking up at Brian as a single tear left his eye. “My son said he hated me and ran away... I am not fucking okay...” He then started sobbing and Brian held him close. As he held him close, he felt his own tears come as well.

They stood like that, hugging each other for several minutes, just allowing their tears and pain its course.

“I am sorry, Sunshine... so sorry,” Brian whispered as he tightened his grip around the man he loved more than anything, knowing that the pain that Justin was feeling right now, that the pain he was in right now, had been caused by him and his actions. That he was the one to blame for this. It was his fault that Luke had run away to Emmett's, his fault alone.