Story Type: AU
Word Count: 4333
Rating: R, Porn…
Warnings: Passion and Lust…
Beta Queen: Bigj52
Summary: It’s all gone in just moments - your life changes and there’s no going back. You’re no longer the person you thought you were and you have no idea who you’ll become.
Chapter Summary: Brian and Justin open up about their feeling concerning the bashing…
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…
It took losing you to finally let myself love you…
Part Four ~ Birth and Re-birth…
Chapter Fifteen ~ Dr Wilder, I Presume…
The ambulance pulled up to the front of the house and the paramedics came rushing into Cynthia’s room where Brian and Justin were trying to keep Cynthia calm. Justin was her Lamaze coach and he’s helping to keep her breathing under control as she tries not to push. Brian’s staying back out of the way and no one seems to notice that he’s struggling with the sight of blood, feels very faint and is close to slipping into a PTSD moment.
The paramedics load Cynthia into the ambulance and Justin tells her that he and Brian will follow right behind in the van. He feels torn between staying with Brian and wanting to stay with Cynthia. Brian insists that Justin go with Cynthia and that Marco will drive him in the van. There’s too much commotion and stress for Brian to consider not using his chair - he needs to be mobile and moving fast.
Justin leaves with Cynthia but feels very odd about leaving Brian behind.
The paramedics are in contact with the hospital the whole ride and waiting for us as we arrive. I kiss her on the cheek and then she’s gone down a long white corridor and that’s when the sight of blood starts to hit me… and I remember Brian’s eyes being glassy and strange.
I go outside to wait and it isn’t long before I see the van drive up; I go and help Brian out. He’s really quiet and looks scared to death. I get him over to the patio area and sit with him in the moonlight. I’ve been to the hospital enough times to know that you always have to wait forever to hear anything. Marco goes in and talks with the nurses and tells them where we are in case the doctors come out.
I run my hands through his hair and he seems to come alive like he was in a trance. He squeezes my hand and says; “I can’t run Kinnetik without Cyn. She’s so some much a part of my… everything… She’s been here for me through thick and thin and now I feel like I did this to her.”
“She’s going to be fine, you have to think positive.”
“I’m so worried about Darryl too… Why did this have to happen?”
“I don’t know and we don’t know what’s going on yet. She could be fine…”
“We should go in…”
Brian and I go into the sterile hospital to wait for word on Cynthia’s condition; we know we should call Wayne but right now we don’t need a crazy boyfriend in our face. Marco comes back from talking with the nurses and we all go to the waiting area near the maternity ward.
It isn’t long before a nurse comes out and tells us that we can follow her. She says that Cynthia is doing fine in recovery; that they had to do an emergency C-Section and then we stop and she says, “He’s only five pounds seven ounces but he is beautiful. Would you like to hold your son?”
Justin watches as Brian takes his new son in his arms and his heart melts while he holds Darryl. The nurse tells us that being born a month early Darryl needs to stay in the hospital for a few days to a week for tests and observation but that he’s fully developed and is breathing fine on his own.
Cynthia had been having back pain all day and didn’t realize that she had started premature labor until she was really in pain. When she moved she tore some muscle tissue and started bleeding. Now of course she wasn’t feeling any pain at all with all the drugs they had given her before surgery and in recovery but tomorrow will be another story.
Justin grins like a fool as he starts taking pictures with his camera phone and sending them off to the family. Brian says: “Here hold your son and maybe next time we’ll get that daughter of yours.”
Jennifer is the first to get there as she was just driving home from Tucker’s place so she’s there in fifteen minutes; Debbie and Vic follow shortly thereafter. It’s just before 3 am and the boys are just leaving the diner after their late-night snack. The waiting room is filling up fast and they’re only allowed to see the baby in small groups through the glass.
The hospital only wants immediate family to hold the baby the first forty-eight hours to prevent exposure to germs. Justin is holding the baby, feeding him his first bottle. The calm that he feels is just as he dreamed it would be; he knows that this is what he’s wanted for so long.
He stands and holds up the baby for the gang to see and he sees so much pride in Brian’s smile. Brian tells the boys the stressful start to Darryl’s delivery and I see that it’s helping him work through his PTSD as he tells Michael that there was, ’so much fucking blood, I was scared to death… I thought, no, don’t let me lose him…Then I remembered saying those same words over and over again, covered in his blood.’
Michael’s a good friend as he holds Brian while he relives part of the past and lets go just a little more… It’s the first time I’ve heard him talk about being at the hospital that night; I always thought that he wasn’t there. I just look at him and he looks a little sad but I know it’s good for him to get his emotions out. The thing is I really need to do the same. We never talk about it and he’s always walking on eggshells around me when I get weird.
I guess I need to talk to Alex about some of my issues. I just hoped they’d get better on their own. Brian comes over to me and says, “I love you. I tried to show you that night and then you couldn’t remember. Damn! I wish you could remember - it was so fucking special to me, to us…”
“Shush. It’s okay…”
“JUSTIN, NO, no, no, no…”
“Shush. It’s okay…It’s okay, it’s okay, wake up…”
“Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go…”
“Shush. It’s okay…”
I feel him start to wake. He’s trembling just like he was a few hours ago when he was calling my name just as loud. I look over at Darryl’s bassinet and he’s completely out, thank God… Our son seems to be able to sleep through anything. Brian’s voice cracks as he starts to say, “I’m sorry I never came into your room.”
I wrinkle my face, saying; “You used to come in through the window at Deb’s in the middle of the night after we’d have a fight. Otherwise I was already in your bed.”
“Not that room… I… I may have come to your room at night but I just couldn’t go inside. I’d sit in that sterile hallway for hours, watching you sleep. I was so afraid that you might not come back to me, that you’d blame me, that you’d never remember me…”
“Brian, I know we need to talk about that night. I think we’ve put this aside for way too long and it’s time we confronted it. From now on we’re in this together, no more secrets…”
“It wasn’t really a secret. I just didn’t tell you.”
“After that I got scared, I just couldn’t let it show. What if you still couldn’t hear me? I know I was an arrogant bastard, and I know now how much I hurt you on my quests to conquer Liberty Avenue. You stopped being able to read me and everything got so screwed up then you didn’t want me anymore.”
“I’m sorry, Brian… I got lost, confused about what was important.”
“But, you set most of the rules and then you broke them and threw them in my face… I never… NEVER broke them, not to this day…”
“I’m so sorry, Brian… I never meant to hurt you so badly…”
“It’s like I can’t separate my pain about the bashing from my pain about losing you…”
“I can understand that. It’s because I wasn’t the same person as I was before the bashing and you’re right. I stopped reading the Kinney manual and tried to be on autopilot and stumbled and fell… I felt threatened by all your tricks and I needed to feel special.”
“But you are special, and I tried so hard to show you that, but you couldn’t hear me. And you let go so easily. I always wondered why? Why? Was there anything I could have said that you would have heard at that point, or were you already gone?”
“Brian, I want to talk about all this and now is fine but let’s have a drink and get out of bed, okay?”
They started with Beam and several hours later Justin made lattes with rum and brandy. Alex usually doesn’t like his patients to drink during therapy but they’re making incredible progress although they’ve been up most of the night; he arrived at about 2 am. Justin had called, saying that they really seemed to be opening up about their feelings and talking about the events surrounding the bashing. Justin tries to explain that he never stopped loving or wanting Brian, he didn’t think Brian wanted him anymore; he started to believe that he never loved him.
After much talking Justin has a much better understanding of how hard it was for Brian, holding him while waiting for the ambulance and how he had just come to the Prom to profess his love then the fear he felt about possibly losing him. How Brian was feeling guilty that his love for him caused Justin all his pain then feeling like everyone blamed him.
Justin knows that Brian withdrew his emotions out of fear of not being loved in return and fear of actually being loved. The whole concept of love was so foreign to him and yet he wanted it desperately, he just didn’t want anyone to know. So he hid his feelings even deeper after Jen asked him to kindly disappear from the only person he ever thought he could love, crushing his heart completely.
Even though Justin knows how stoic a front Brian can put on, he knew just by the look in his eyes how difficult it was for him to turn him away, telling him good-bye that day as he stood outside the loft door. Emotions weren’t a bad thing. After all it was his temper tantrum that got him back into Brian’s life.
Even though they’re past most of their weirdness at this point it was important to acknowledge that it existed when they first got back together after the bashing and how that resulted in both of them acting out, hurting each other. Brian still had a need to show Justin how much he cared, but Justin couldn’t see it. He lost his ability to read Brian’s moods or see that his little gifts of paints or brushes were his way of saying those three little words. The problem was that Justin seemed to need grand gestures of love and Brian’s inadequate ones went unnoticed, or worse yet, expected.
Justin sat there thinking - sketch pads, canvas, paints, pencils, a computer, tuition, a home and three squares… and more love than I ever deserved. My problem was in my head and not with him. If anything he gave me more than he ever had before. I never knew when to stop pushing and yet I’m still hiding and that scares me. I know I have to tell him about my hand… my headaches, my memory…
So he confesses that he gets confused sometimes and can’t remember things he just did or said. That he thinks he might be losing small periods of time like he’s on autopilot again sometimes. He mentions that he’s having issues with his motor skills, using his hand then there are the headaches that have started again.
He was hoping that it was the stress of everything and the fact that there getting married again, next week… That it would all go away once things settled down. Alex quizzes him on his headaches and how long he’s been having them, and if he ever wakes up in a foreign place, not knowing how he’s gotten there?
“One time I looked up and I was reading in the student lounge and I had no memory of leaving class an hour earlier.”
“How do you know it was an hour ago?”
“I just assume I was on autopilot and followed the other students when class ended.”
“Did you ever sleepwalk as a child?”
“I don’t think so…”
“Now, Justin, I need you to be completely honest with me about this next question. Has this ever happened while you’re driving?”
Justin looks down and then away from Alex and Brian and then says, “It’s nothing. I just sometimes space out on the long drive home… You know, I look up and don’t recognize where I’m at and then a few minutes later I get my bearing and know the road gain. It’s nothing; it’s a long drive…”
“Justin, I’m afraid I’m going to have to suspend your driver’s license for a while until this clears up. It’s for your own protection was well as others. You can see that, right?”
“I need to be able to drive…”
“I’m going to order an MRI as well so we can rule out any other remote possibilities.”
“Fuck, Doc! Go ahead and say it… Damn it, Brain Tumor!!!”
“Please sit down, Justin. It’s okay to be frightened. Does your hand shake like that often?”
Here Justin pulls his hand away from Brian who had already started rubbing and massaging his cramped, shaking fingers. Justin starts pacing, feeling like a trapped cat. “I’m fine, I’m fine… I’m just stressed, that’s all…”
“When did the headaches start?”
“When I was in Hawaii. I came in from scuba diving a couple of times then my hand started acting up, even when I wasn’t painting but I just soaked it in the Jacuzzi to loosen it up. It’s nothing; it’s going to be fine.”
Justin settles down and comes over and sits on Brian’s lap. They seem to have made some real progress in therapy today and besides Justin’s current physical issues Alex wants them to explore this thing Justin’s calls “Being onto him” and the “Kinney operating manual” so they can understand where their miscommunication started so long ago and why they haven’t been able to get back there completely.
They’re all exhausted, having been up all night so they make their way out towards the kitchen where Jennifer introduces herself, saying, “Dr. Wilder, I presume” and then offers to make everyone omelets and hash browns for breakfast. Then she watches Darryl as Brian and Justin sleep into the late afternoon, much more relaxed and feeling closer to one another than they have in a long time.
They wake to the smell of bacon and can’t decide if it’s morning or evening as they make their way to the kitchen, hungry again. Jennifer smiles and says; “I was just making BLTs and tomato soup for a light dinner for all of us.”
“How can bacon be in a light dinner?” Brian questions
But of course he wants a BLT just like everyone else. Brian grabs a beer and a water and hands the water to Justin saying, “No alcohol for you, young man.”
Justin smiles as he loves it when Brian tries to take care of him, but he’s scared. He didn’t realize before how all his symptoms add up and that he might really have a problem.
Brian stands behind him, holding him tight, kissing his hairline and his scar whispering, “Everything is going to be all right, I won’t leave you this time.”
That’s the first time that Justin made the connection with his fear of being alone again as he was last time he went through his recovery and physical therapy. This isn’t so different from all the surgeries that Brian’s had to endure over the last year, so they can do this together, be strong together.
Jennifer knows that Alex was here most of the night, but he’s a therapist. So she has no idea what they talked about, nor will she, unless Brian and Justin care to share, which Justin is adamantly against. He doesn’t want anyone there except Brian for his MRI and if there’s surgery, maybe the same. There’ll be no surgery until after the wedding; he’s not cutting his hair short for the wedding.
Because Terry and Justin have very similar school schedules Brian has asked that Terry drive Justin home from school while Justin takes the train into the city in the mornings. Justin wants to take the train in the afternoons as well, but Brian insisted that it was part of the bonding experience with Terry for his class.
I didn’t want to tell Terry about the bashing or my disabilities. Yes, I have to call them disabilities too… Fuck, we really are a pair… Terry’s really not such a bad person; he’s just young and impulsive, maybe a little like me at one point. But I had to grow up fast, living with Mr. Kinney and his world of rules and then ours. Terry’s a pretty good artist and he needs to sketch me, so he’s prepared to include me in the mural as I am, him.
So the first sketches are of us sketching each other, holding our sketch books like starving artists, except that in his I have a beautiful newborn lying on the sofa next to me. He’s apologized several times for acting so stupidly with Brian, he really didn’t know about us. And he really thought that Cynthia and Wayne were the parents, he was so off base… I’ve forgiven him, but I still catch him looking at Brian with total admiration and I can’t help feeling my jealous streak.
But Brian is oblivious; he just doesn’t notice Terry’s schoolboy drooling. Mitchell’s pretty good at reeling him in, since I don’t really work with him. I just have a couple of classes. It’s later in the day and Terry’s gone up to work in the studio on some storyboards for the next ad campaign. I’m rocking Darryl, waiting for his bottle to warm up as I hum ‘Good Day Sunshine’ - one of the Beatles songs from ‘Revolver’ to him.
I feel good. Brian agreed to go out and celebrate our last Friday night of freedom together; we couldn’t tell Ted and Emmett that we already lost our freedom in January. Brian’s actually agreed to go to Babylon for a short while and have a few drinks and maybe visit the new VIP lounges that they’ve put in.
They’re really just single beds with brightly-colored sheer drapes surrounding them so everyone can still see, sort of… The club looks really hot and tonight is Opening Night with Babylon under new management. Everything’s been upgraded and replaced, you no longer feel like you’re going to get a disease in the backroom.
Brian and I came in the side door and the bartender discreetly put Brian’s walker behind the bar and gave us seats he had reserved for us. Nice new leather bar stools that fit the fun modern feel of the club. He orders a shot of Beam and me some water, as we look out onto the dance floor. It isn’t long before we’re spotted by Michael and Ben.
They join us at the bar and buy us a second round. I’m trying to convince Brian that he can just put his hands around my neck and I’ll hold him while we dance but he’s leery about it. He doesn’t want to fall and look like a fool his first time out. It took couple more shots and he was now already holding onto me with his hands on my hips, slightly swaying but not moving his feet.
I understood his fear of wanting to be able to walk down the aisle with me in a couple of days. Yes, our wedding is on February 29th, Leap Year, just two days away. It was great being out and seeing old friends and for them to see us here tonight, so when they see Brian at the wedding they won’t be so surprised. Of course they’ll have no idea how bad things really were a year ago.
Brian seems happy and mentioned that he was thinking of investing in the club. The new owners bought it when Sap was arrested for not paying income taxes and the business was sold. They rehabbed the place and now just want to turn it over for a small profit.
The new VIP lounges are located in the backroom, just off to their right and Brian motions to Justin to walk with him to see if they could get one to use. Little did he know that Justin had also taken care of reserving one for them in advance, near the exit. It’s draped in deep purple and red sheer fabric that’s swaying from the gusts of the air conditioner.
Justin leads Brian to the small bed and slowly starts taking Brian’s shirt off. Brian follows his lead and takes Justin’s shirt up over his head, letting his blond mop bounce about. The two of them are just enjoying each other’s company, running their hands across their exposed skin as they start to make out. Others watch from a distance in shades of red and purple.
Sunshine’s skin seems to take on the bouncing colors from the twinkle lights around the room’s ceiling. He stands and gives Brian and all the other boys a little show as he wiggles out of his cargo pants, exposing his black briefs. He runs his hand down his thigh and cups his erection, grinning evilly at his husband.
He shakes his hips as he turns around in a circle twice before he works them over his nice round bubble butt and almost onto the floor then he kicks them at Brian and hits him in the face. They both burst out laughing as Justin crawls up the bed to Brian, saying, “Oops.”
Brian flips him over in one fell swoop, tackling him and pinning him down as he kisses him passionately, roughly. After a couple of minutes they break for air and to say hi to Todd as he passes through the backroom. Brian stands and removes his pants and underwear, holding onto the bar they’ve installed to hold onto or tie up to… Either way, Brian’s grateful…
Justin is so happy right now; he hasn’t been out to Babylon in months. Sure, he meets the guys or Daphne but it’s not the same as being here with Brian and he just can’t believe he agreed to come out and play tonight. Hawaii really did give him a lot more confidence than he had before, in more ways than one.
Brian reaches down and pulls Justin by the legs towards him and commands him to get on all fours. Brian stands behind him and runs his hands down his back admiring him in shades of purple. “So beautiful” He leans in and kisses his neck and shoulders eliciting moans from his blond. He whispers, “I’m going to fuck you with your ass so high up in the air, so everyone can see, you filthy little boy.”
Brian runs a long trail down Justin’s back that leaves a cool wet sensation as it dries. He stops at the small of Justin’s back then slowly and softly kisses and sucks, starting to leave a large red hickey as he grazes his teeth across it, marking him. He continues down Justin’s spine, pulling his cheeks apart and kissing his perfect rosebud.
Justin was already writhing with need as Brian admired him panting and rocking with anticipation. Justin was still slick from their prior playtime at home so when Brian simply stood behind him and entered him with out any lube everyone was shocked, but moreover they were shocked because they were raw and it was the hottest show the backroom has ever seen.
The truth be told, it didn’t occur to Brian as he started taking his sweet boy. He slid in nice and slow, filling him completely, making him push his ass in the air and his chest into the mattress. Justin’s nipples sparkle brightly, throwing reflections off the tiny lights. Brian held his hip with one hand and the bar with the other, as he pumped his own hips to and fro, sending delicious sensations deep into his blond.
Justin kept up the rhythm, meeting each push as they worked each other closer towards ecstasy. He arched his back as he pushed back harder, taking all of Brian into himself. At this point he didn’t think he could hold back much longer as he rutted against the sheets beneath him.
Brian’s lost in heaven as he slams into Justin again and again, hitting his prostate repeatedly. Knowing how wonderful that is, he wants to give Justin as much pleasure as possible so he holds out until finally he pulls him in close to take a hold of Justin’s cock, pumping him harder, until they both collapse on the bed, out of breath and completely sated.
They lay there and made out for another ten minutes before taking the warm wet towels from the towel boy who was waiting to change the sheets. Brian tipped him well as they slipped out the side door, knowing that rumors of their raw romp would be in full circulation soon…