As Marilyn returned to the group on the mat, she couldn’t supress the giggles that overcame her. Goodness, what a joy it was to have Brian Fucking Kinney on the edge like this. Although she really had quite a soft spot for the Stud of Liberty Ave, as she could “see” past the cool arrogant facade to the pure spirit beneath, but she couldn’t help but revel a little in the current drama.

As Justin saw her approach, he enthusiastically elbowed Brian in the ribs and started bouncing in his seat. Brian was somewhat less impressed, having been left to wait in the weirdest excuse for a bar he had ever frequented in his life. And considering some of the bars he had gone to in his youth...er... younger youth, that was saying something. Trying once again, unsuccessfully, to get comfortable on the elephant hair rug, he tried to reign in his irritation.

“I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting so long, my dears” Marilyn stated breathlessly as she gracefully lowered herself to the floor. “Now...” she said, looking at two expectant and one seriously pissed off face “... where were we?”

Justin and Emmett nearly fell over each other to recap on their previous conversation. “The Dramatist – that’s me – and the Alpha – that’s you, Brian – and the Rationalist – that’s Teddy – and .... OOMPH!”

Emmett’s tirade came to an abrupt and somewhat violent end due to being hit in the face with the cushion that Brian launched at him. Before Emmett could react, Justin jumped in. “You were about to tell us about the Guru”

“Yes that’s right, the Guru. Let’s all get comfy and I will reveal to you the events of yester night”

Marilyn closed her eyes and began her oration.

Only the privileged few are given access to the spiritual guidance of the Guru. He is one in a long line of gurus with powers that cannot truly be comprehended by the mere mortal. His power is unsurpassed...his knowledge limitless... his talents all-encompassing

“I’ll pay you $500 if you cut the bullshit and just stick with the facts. My ass is getting numb, my eyes hurt from the colour-explosion in here, and if I have to listen to your drivel much longer, I will murder you”

Justin turned to Brian to admonish him for insulting Marilyn’s integrity by offering her money to speed things up, but before he could open his mouth to speak, Marilyn did.

“$1000”

“$750”

“Done”

Both Brian and Marilyn seemed happy with the outcome while Justin looked as though he’d just found out that Santa wasn’t real.

Marilyn finished counting the bills Brian had handed to her before stuffing them in her bra. Turning her attention back to her audience she once again began to tell her story, this time without the bullshit.

“Well, here’s what happened...”

The previous night at Marty’s 12:30am

Mel, Michael, Ted, Emmett and Brian were all seated on the multi-coloured rugs, awaiting the appearance of The Guru. They had just been informed that an hour of The Guru’s time would cost $200 and they were bitching about who should pay.

“You idiots can leave me the fuck out of this” Brian declared as he swigged back the last of his drink and waved at the waiter to bring him more. “It’s a fucking waste of money. If I wanted unsolicited and useless advice, I could just talk to Debbie”

Mel, who had also thought this guru thing was a crock of shit, quickly changed her mind when she saw how much it pissed off Brian. “Are you afraid of what you might hear? This Guru might point out what the rest of us already know, what an gargantuan asshole you are”

“Well, then I wouldn’t need to pay money for that when I have you to do it for free” Brian retorted, giving Mel a sickly sweet smile. “How thoughtful of you to try to save me money. It’s so out of character for you”

Mel couldn’t think of any snappy comeback because loathe as she was to admit it, without Brian’s money, she and Lindsey would be up shit creek without a paddle. Canada was expensive. So she had to seethe silently, knowing she had lost this round with the asshole.

Michael, who was completely oblivious to Melanie and Brian’s little contretemps due to his extreme inebriation, broke the silence. 

“Brian, you have to do it. You – hiccup - HAVE to. I really –hiccup - want to do it – hiccup -and I can only do it if you do – hiccup - it because – I don’t have $200”

Ted, ever the accountant, interjected. “You’d only need $50 Michael. We can divide it between the four of us”

“Well actually, Teddy” Emmett said sheepishly, “...I don’t actually have any cash on me so I was kinda hoping you could see it in your heart to loan me my share”

“My god Emmett, how can you go out for the night partying and NOT have any cash on you?” 

Mel was astonished and not a little disgusted. Seeing as she couldn’t let rip at Brian, she decided to channel her rage at Emmett. 

“It’s incomprehensible that you would lower yourself to letting guys hit on you just to get your drinks paid for. I know your business is going well so it’s not like you couldn’t afford it... your basically prostituting yourself. Have you no self-respect?”

Emmett looked gobsmacked, his mouth trying to form words but none were coming out. Before he could get his wits together, Brian started to speak quietly, so they all strained to hear him.

“Mel, I can understand your point of view, considering what a pillar of society you are, a veritable model of moral goodness. You would never do something so degrading for money. No, not our Melanie. That must have been your evil twin who got her tits out in Playboy. Not fine upstanding Melanie Marcus, attorney at law”

“You motherfucking piece of shit.  I’m gonna knock that smug faggot-assed smirk off your damn face” she snarled, cocking her arm in preparedness to punch Brian. But before she could land the punch, Ted and Michael caught hold of her arms and restrained her.

“Melanie Marcus, I have never been so insulted in my life, and considering I grew up in the Bible belt, that is saying something.” Emmett had finally found the power of speech and he was angry, VERY angry.

“Just so we’re clear, my business is not just doing well, it is doing fabulously. I have money to burn, more than your broke ass has, and that’s for damn sure”

A chorus of “you go, girl” could be heard from the other customers in the bar, who couldn’t help but be drawn in by the loud voices. 

“And furthermore” Emmett continued, very much on his high horse now “...if a gentleman wants to buy me a drink, it’s only polite to accept the kind gesture graciously. Should the day ever come that anyone ever be tempted to offer to buy YOU a drink, Mel, I do hope you’ll keep what I said in mind”

Emmett was certainly on a roll now, and the others could only stare at him with a mixture of shock and awe on their faces. 

“Lastly, the reason I do not have cash on my person should be obvious, but since you are fashion-challenged, I will explain” 

Emmett stood up and twirled around, a vision in lemon trousers and a turquoise mesh net vest. 

“Do you see this outfit, Melanie?” he demanded to know as he smoothed his hands over the skin-tight clothes. “Now I ask you, just where do you think I could put any money? Anything in the pockets of these pants would ruin the silhouette”

As Mel just stared at him, pole-axed, Brian, Ted and Michael began to laugh. Melanie was chastened but she still couldn’t admit defeat.

“Have you ever heard of a purse, Emmett? And wouldn’t a slut like you need condoms and lube?” she said snidely.

“I did consider a purse but it’s very difficult to find the right purse for an ensemble such as this”. Emmett looked down Mel up and down before he continued. “...I realise you just throw on whatever sludge coloured crap you find in the bargain bins, but some of us are more discerning. And as for my condoms and lube, you’re quite right, I never leave home without them. And I put them in a safe place until they are needed. So don’t you worry your little head about me, honey”

On that note, Emmett sashayed his way to the bar, where there was a veritable crowd of men more than willing to buy him a drink for providing so much entertainment.

“Where do you think he keeps – hiccup- his condoms?” Michael queried as he looked up and down Emmett’s frame, trying to figure where they could be. “There’s nowhere – hiccup – to put them”

“Maybe in his shoe?” Ted suggested, not really paying attention, as he was counting the crumpled $1 bills that Michael had handed him. 

“Jesus, Michael. Did you intend on going to watch a stripper tonight?” Brian remarked, glancing disdainfully at the money, “...or did you mug a bunch of first graders for their lunch money?”

Michael, looking quite affronted at the suggestion, retorted. “No asshole. I – hiccup- did not mug anyone. I left my wallet – hiccup- at the comic store so – hiccup- I had to raid the Swear Jar.” Looking very pleased with himself, Michael continued “There was – hiccup- over $100 in – AHHHHHHHHH”

Everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing, startled by the loud noise followed by Michael’s scream, and looked to see a smug looking Emmett standing behind Michael with a popped balloon and a pin in his hands.

Michael whipped his head around, and, clutching his hands to his chest, yelled “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You scared the living shit outta me. And you made me spill my drink, asshole.”

As Emmett slowly & gingerly lowered himself to the floor, he nonchalantly answered “It stopped you hiccupping didn’t it? My Aunt Lula’s remedy. I was close to smothering you with a pillow so I figured this would be a better solution” 

As Michael continued to glower at Emmett, Brian himself stared at the fairy as he discretely began to pull at the ass of his pleather pants, like he was trying to relieve himself from a wedgie. “Well, I guess we know where he keeps the condoms” Brian muttered to himself, before saying loudly “How much longer do we have to be here? Where the fuck is this so-called Guru?”

Just then, Mysterious Marilyn appeared with an ornate bong and placed it on a small table in the centre of the group. 

“The Guru will be with you shortly. But before you are granted an audience with him, you should all prepare and free your minds, allowing your hidden inner desires come to the fore. Now, you must sit cross-legged in a circle, inhale of the bong, and then pass it to your right. You should concentrate on relaxing your body and freeing your minds”

Once they were seated as per her instructions, Brian reached out for the bong, figuring that taking drugs was the only way he was going to get through this farce. But he was stopped by Marilyn’s voice requesting the $200. “Fuck it” Brian thought to himself, handed over the cash and once again grabbed for the bong. Inhaling deeply, he held his breathe before exhaling slowly. 

“Fuck, this is some good shit” he marvelled before passing the bong to Ted, who immediately passed it on to Emmett. “Oh Lord have mercy” squealed Em, fanning his face which was now flushed, before passing the bong to Mel. She too took a hit, determined not to comment on the potency of the drug. She wasn’t going to give these fuckers any more reasons to humiliate her. 

Michael was another story however. Having taken a hit, his eyes rolled back in his head and he would have collapsed back with a slap to his head had Brian not caught him by the arm and held him upright. “Fucking lightweight” Brian chided him, half exasperated and amused by his old friend. “Mikey” he said, holding Michael’s head between his hands, checking his eyes to make sure he was conscious “...you’re so pathetic” Michael just gave a stoned smile in response.

As the gang continued to pass the bong around, Mel suddenly let out a squeal of disgust and started dry heaving. Michael, who was sitting next to her, started hitting her on the back, thinking that the drugs had caused a coughing fit. Mel slapped his arm away, trying to catch her breath.

“I’m fine you idiot. You don’t have to punch a hole through my spine” she snarled at Michael, before turning her disdainful gaze at Emmett, who had tried to get up from his cross-legged position across from her to help her, but had been unable to bend due to tightness of his lemon pleather pants.

“Jesus, Emmett. Cross your legs, for fucks sake. I can see your junk through those ridiculous trousers” she berated him, looking pointedly at his cock and balls, the outline of which were clearly visible in his current position. Suddenly, something caught her eye that put a look of sheer disgust on her face.

“Oh my god, you have a fucking piercing on your dick” she shouted accusingly at Emmett, before continuing. “... You really are repugnant”

Mel was on roll now, venting all her frustration at life, at men, at Brian fucking Kinney.

“... Gay men are obsessed with sex and are always chasing dick, or measuring dick, or sucking dick, or mutilating dick. All you need is a willing hole and you’re happy. You have no idea what true intimacy is, what true sexual satisfaction feels like. Lindsay and I have explosive, transcendental sex. We don’t need anything except each other” 

The gang sat silently stunned, looking at Melanie’s smug superior smile as she looked down her nose at each of them. Her feeling of superiority was short lived however, when a quiet voice interrupted the silence.

“You know Mel? Lindsay is too much of a wasp to discuss sex in any kind of detail” Brian began, not looking at Mel as he casually took a sip of his drink before he continued. “... but if you get enough wine into her, her gums start flapping. In fact, she becomes positively loquacious”

Brian finally looked Mel in the eye, and she knew, with absolute certainty, that whatever came out of his mouth next would be humiliating. However, she could do nothing to stop him as she watched the playful gleam appear in his eyes. Emmett, Ted and Michael felt like they were watching a car crash about to happen, but were unable to look away.

“For example” Brian continued, in that low almost whispered voice of his “...last time I was in Toronto, we had quite an interesting chat about the pros and cons of different brands of dildos. Lindsay even showed me her collection. I was impressed” 

Mel’s could feel the flush of embarrassment make its way from her chest to her face, as she prayed for Brian to shut the fuck up. Her prayers went unanswered unfortunately.

“Mind you, I could have done without seeing the Clit Stimulator in the shape of a bunny. I never knew you were into bestiality, Mel” Brian smirked at her, “...But whatever floats your boat”

If Mel had had a gun in her hand at that moment, she would have blown his smug fucking face off. But, since she had no weapon at her disposal, her only comeback was a snarled ‘fuck you’ to Brian before she marched into the restroom to splash some water on her face and get her shit together. As the gang watched her retreat, the giggles became wails of laughter.

When Mel returned, the laughter died down and an uncomfortable silence reigned. In an effort to get the conversation going again, Michael turned to Emmett and said “I can’t believe you got a Prince Albert. I think the whole piercing thing is tacky. I would never get one in a million years”

Brian snorted as he retorted “Michael, you wouldn’t get one because you are the biggest chicken-shit when it comes to piercings. You fucking fainted when Deb tried to pierce your ear when we were sixteen, and she had only put the ice on your ear” 

Michael had to shout over the burst of laughter from the others to make himself heard. “I did NOT fucking faint because of the piercing. I had low blood sugar. I FUCKING DID!!” 

Clearly no-one believed him as they continued to laugh.

“Well, I got my ear pierced later, didn’t I?” Michael continued to argue, upset that they were all questioning his bravery. “I didn’t faint then, did I?” he questioned, folding his arms across his chest as he pouted at the others.

“No, you didn’t faint” Brian conceded, has he took another toke. “Though, you made me AND Vic go with you to the mall to let the, and I quote, ‘professionals’ do it. Plus, you were twenty two fucking years old at the time, and Vic STILL had to slip you a Valium”

Michael’s denials were cut short when Marilyn approached them, accompanied by a handsome olive skinned man, his eyes ringed with kohl, wearing an ivory turban on his head and a multi-coloured tunic which glimmered with elaborate beading. Emmett couldn’t decide whether he was drooling because of the man or because of his outfit.

Marilyn clapped her hands to silence the group, before dramatically announcing, “You are now privileged to be in the presence of The Guru’”

As the others became excited that the Guru was finally in their midst, Brian couldn’t help but feel that he had seen this man before, he just couldn’t remember where. Fuck it, he thought, it’ll come to me.

The Guru sat down and produced a yellow crystal, which he placed in the centre of the circle. He stared intensely at each one before speaking in a vaguely middle-eastern accent.

“I am a conduit, a humble conduit of the spirit world. The answers you seek will be revealed only if the spirits will them to be. Join hands and concentrate on the crystal, we need to cleanse our auras”

Brian scoffed and tried to resist as Ted grabbed his right hand while Michael grabbed his left. But the bong had made him relax, and the sooner this shit was over, the better. So he grudgingly participated.

The Guru began to sway and chant as he mumbled a rhythm that, to Brian, sounded suspiciously like “Hotel California” by the Eagles. This suspicion was confirmed when Emmett, who was swaying as well, started singing “...And I was thinking to myself, ‘This could be heaven or this could be hell” A dirty look from The Guru made a sheepish Emmett stop singing.

After a few interminable minutes, The Guru announced that it was time to commune with the spirits. 

“Which of you lost souls will pose the first question to the spirits” 

Unsurprisingly, Emmett stuck his hand in the air and started squealing “Me, me, me. Pick me!!”

The Guru nodded for Emmett to begin.

“Will I find the love of my life soon because I’m into my thirties now and gravity is not my friend” Emmett stated mournfully. 

Both Brian and Mel rolled their eyes at what they considered a completely moronic question, while Michael and Ted both assured Emmett that his ass was as perky and tight as an eighteen year olds. 

The Guru waved his hand to bring them to silence, before announcing “The spirits say you have already met your soulmate. He will return to you in time”

Emmett’s eyes welled up and he began to cry copious tears. Ted tried to console him saying that the Guru must mean Drew and that Emmett should be happy that he will return. This made Emmett cry even more and he wailed “I don’t want my soulmate to be Drew. He’s built like an Adonis but he’s stupider than shit”

Brian started laughing and thought maybe this evening might turn out to be unexpectedly entertaining. 

Emmett continued to bawl his eyes out, apparently inconsolable, until his phone started ringing. Seeing the name that appeared on the screen, his tears miraculously dried up and he answered the call in his usual upbeat manner

“Well hello Hans, you big beautiful man, you”

“...oh sugar, you say the sweetest things...”

“ ...well I’m with my friends right now...”

“...just my new leather pants and a mesh vest. What are you wearing?”

...well in that case, how could a girl say no? Give me fifteen minutes”

Emmett disconnected the call and struggled into a standing position. Looking at them all in an apologetic manner, he said “I’m gonna have to love you and leave you, I’m afraid. I have another urgent appointment. Toodles”

With that, Emmett located his shoes and sashayed out of the bar.

The Guru, unhappy that he had been so rudely interrupted, cleared his throat loudly to gain the groups’ attention once again.

“May we continue? The spirits are impatient. Who is next?”

Mel, Ted and Michael all wanted to ask questions, but were afraid of the ridicule they would receive. Biting the bullet, Ted said “Would it be possible for us to speak to you one at time? My question is a little personal”

Michael and Melanie agreed and said they would be more comfortable speaking to the Guru in private. The Guru agreed but told them it would cost extra.

Brian scoffed at them. “Are you seriously buying this shit?” Gesturing the Guru, Brian continued “...he’s a fucking charlatan and you want to give him more fucking money?”

The Guru became angry, and leaned toward Brian, waggling his finger in his face. 

“Just because you don’t have a soul or spirit, Mr. Kinney, does NOT mean that they do not exist”

As Brian looked at the heated gaze of the Guru, he suddenly remembered where he had seen him before. 

“Miguel?”

Mel, Ted and Michael looked confused while the Guru looked mortified. Brian was now sure of his identity.

“Who the fuck is Miguel?” Melanie demanded to know. She hated when Brian knew something that she didn’t.

Brian began to laugh as pointed to the Guru. “This fucker right here is Miguel”

“How do you know him?” Ted questioned, though he could probably guess. His guess was confirmed as Brian replied “I fucked him”

“Of course you did, you fucking slut” Melanie stated unsurprised.

Michael, high as a kite and not a little drunk, was confused. “You had a threesome with the Guru and Miguel?”

“Michael, listen to me. Are you listening?” 

“Yes, I’m listening”

“The Guru’s real name is Miguel. I fucked him”

“How did you meet?”

“He used to deliver the takeout from Bamboo, the Chinese place on Sutton Ave”

Michael, Mel and Ted turned towards the Guru/Miguel with looks of astonishment on their faces.

“So this is all bullshit?” Ted queried, looking Miguel up and down “... the turban, the accent, the ability to commune with spirits to advise us?”

Miguel looked beseechingly at the group and said “I admit that I’m not middle-eastern so the clothes and accent are affectations...”

Brian snorted at that and said “What a polite way to say out and out fucking lies”

Miguel continued, ignoring Brian’s interjection, continued to plea for understanding “...but no one would take me seriously otherwise. Who would believe a Guru called Miguel who comes from fucking Harrisburg?”

Seeing that Mel, Ted and Michael were beginning to soften towards him, Miguel continued “I’ll give each of you a one on one reading and session free of charge. If I’m full of bullshit, you have nothing to lose. But if I’m not, I could really help you”

Brian could see that the guys were considering this offer and couldn’t believe it.

“You’re not actually buying this bullshit are you? Seriously? Are you that desperate for help with your lives that you’ll believe this idiot who’s just a jumped up delivery boy who gets his pearls of wisdom out of a fucking fortune cookie?”

Miguel turned to Brian angrily, saying “You have no fucking idea what I can do, what talents I possess, what knowledge I have”

Brian just sniggered “I’m not sure I would have called you talented. From what I remember, your cock-sucking skills were mediocre at best”

Miguel was livid as he snarled “You really fucking love yourself, don’t you?”

Brian just shrugged as he replied “What’s not to love? Everybody fucking loves me”

A speculative look came over Miguel’s face as a plan occurred to him.

“Everybody loves you, hmmm? That must be quite a burden for you”

“I can handle it. It’s the price of being me” Brian replied sarcastically.

Miguel smiled a secret smile “Well I’m sorry you don’t see fit to utilise my talents, Brian. But what about the rest of you?” he questioned, as he turned the others.

Mel, Ted and Michael all just looked at each other before they slowly nodded. 

“Fuck it. What’s the harm in giving it a go?” Mel said.

“No harm at all” Miguel replied charmingly, as he guided her into his private space. 

Back to the present

Emmett, Justin and Brian had listened to Marilyn’s descriptions of the previous nights’ activities with growing levels of amusement and astonishment. As Marilyn finished her story, they all just stared at her, bemusedly. Justin was the first one able to form a coherent sentence.

“So what you’re telling us is, Mel, Ted and Michael all had a one on one session with the Guru – I mean Miguel – while Brian passed out on the rug while he waited because he was toking on that bong like a person possessed?”

Marilyn laughed at Justin’s choice of words, but she nodded her agreement. “Yes, that’s pretty much what happened. Once Mel, Ted and Michael were finished, they woke up Brian and they all left”

Brian had, up until this point, said very little as he listened to the events of the previous night, becoming increasingly unnerved because he didn’t remember any of it. It certainly sounded like him, and he had fucked a delivery boy from Bamboo before, so that also had ring of truth about it. But it still didn’t explain why he had three new stalkers.

“You’re leaving shit out” Brian said to Marilyn, giving her his best intimidating glare “...none of what you said explains why I have the Three Stooges chasing after me. What are you not telling us? Does Miguel fucking drug his customers or something?”

Marilyn tried to hide her smile as she feigned offence. 

“Miguel does not drug his customers. He has too much integrity to do that”

“Then what the fuck did he do?” Brian shouted, losing patience rapidly.

Marilyn wisely decided to come clean, because clearly, Brian Kinney was a man on the edge.

“Well... you impugned Miguel’s character when you accused him of being a charlatan” Marilyn said, choosing her words carefully “...so I suspect he played a little prank on you to teach you a lesson”

A feeling of dread overcame Brian as he spat out the question through gritted teeth

“What...Did...He...Do?”

Marilyn took a deep breath and said

“Did I mention that Miguel is an expert in the field of hypnotism?”

“FUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!”