Brian and Justin were happily ensconced in the ‘Vette. Having dropped Carl’s car outside the diner, Brian gunned the engine and they were soon on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, heading out to Britin.
When Brian’s cell rang, he gestured for a reluctant Justin to answer it. “Justin, you have to answer it as I’m driving”. Brian tried, and failed to keep the smirk off his face as he continued, “…It would be highly irresponsible of me to risk your safety, and that of other drivers”
Justin’s snort of derision made it clear that he wasn’t buying what Brian was selling. “Here’s a thought! Why don’t you just pull the fuck over, and THEN answer the phone?”
But Brian wasn’t defeated yet. “I’m surprised at you, Sunshine. Wasn’t it you who was desperately trying to flee from the law? And now you want me to delay our escape because you don’t want to answer the phone?”
Justin had to laugh at this piece of justification. “Oh sure, Brian. You’re really are looking out for my best interests and you are in no way trying to avoid your fan club”. Conceding defeat, Justin elbowed Brian in the ribs before demanding he hand over the fucking phone that he was too much of a chicken-shit to answer.
Looking at the name displayed on the phone, Justin sighed in resignation before answering.
“Hey Lindsey, how’re you?”
“Justin? Oh thank god” Lindsey cried breathlessly into the phone upon hearing Justin’s voice. “I’ve been worried sick. I’ve been calling you and Brian for hours. What the hell is going on? How could you ignore me like this?”
“Sorry Linds, we were kind of tied up and didn’t have access to our phones” Justin explained, as Brian snorted. “Tell her the truth, we were in jail and we’re now on the lam”
“Oh shut the fuck up…no, not you Lindsey. Brian is just being an asshole. No surprise, right?” he continued, putting the call on speaker.
“I don’t feel this is the time for levity Justin” Lindsey declared as she began to cry again. “I’m bereft, I’m inconsolable, I’m disconsolate, I’m hurt, I’m aggrieved, I’m tormented, I’m …”
“Jesus Christ Lindsey. You’re longwinded is what you are” Brian interrupted, rolling his eyes as he listened to her sobs. “If I were you, I’d be counting my lucky stars that you no longer have to munch on the She-Witch from Hell”
This sent Lindsey into another crying jag, which made even Justin roll his eyes. Losing patience, Justin tried to calm her down.
“Lindsey, if you could stop crying for a minute, I’ll explain everything. Lindsey? Lindsey! LINDSEY – JUST SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH. IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO MUCH MORE, MY EARS WILL BLEED!”
Shocked into silence, the crying stopped, so Justin hurriedly continued.
“Mel was hypnotised into believing that she and Brian are lovers. We’re trying to find out how to undo it. She’s on her way back to Toronto to resign from her job. I suggest you come up with a plan to prevent that from happening. We’ll call when we have more information. Goodbye”
Brian looked at Justin with undisguised admiration. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Sunshine. A WASP like you abandoning proper phone etiquette. I’m proud of you”
Justin just smirked, feeling very self-satisfied.
The continued on in companionable silence for a few minutes, enjoying the hazy sunlight of early morning, when Brian cursed and then made a swift U-Turn on the road.
“Why are we going back?”
“I left the fucking keys for Britin in the safe at Kinnetik”
“Dumbass. Being on the run with you will surely get me caught”
“Oh fuck off”
*************
Blake had headed home before going to see Ted in the hospital. He had needed to shower, change and pack Ted’s toiletries. It was still early, so visiting hours wouldn’t begin for another hour or so, giving him plenty of time. As he threw the duffel bag in the trunk, his phone rang.
“Hey Debbie”
“Blake, are you still heading over to Ted this morning?”
“Yeah, I’m just getting ready to leave”
“Well, come on by my house first. I made some food for you boys. That hospital food will fucking kill ya”
“Debbie, thank you, but that’s really not necessary” Blake really did not want to have to deal with any more drama. He would have his hands full with Ted soon enough.
Debbie just ignored him as she continued “… so I’ll see you in a few minutes”
Blake sighed in resignation, started the car, and headed in the direction of Deb’s.
As he entered the home, it smelled like a bakery. He walked into the kitchen and saw a multitude of trays containing muffins and lemon bars, some cooling, and some waiting to go into the oven. On the stove, he could see a large vat of chicken soup simmering away. He looked at a flour-covered Debbie in astonishment.
“I left here less than an hour ago. How the hell did you do all this? I thought you were heading to bed?”
Debbie pulled yet another tray of muffins out of the oven, setting them down on the counter before answering. “Well, I had intended to go to bed, but my asshole of a son kept screaming at the top of his fucking lungs, so I hadn’t much choice” Deb shot Michael a dirty look before she continued “…so I figured, if I have to be awake, I may as well make myself useful”
Michael, who was still handcuffed to the radiator, tried as best as he could to fold his arms across his chest defensively, pouting as he retorted “Can you blame me? What kind of mother handcuffs her son to a fucking radiator?”
“What kind of son attacks his friend with my fucking kitchen utensils?” Deb spat back at him. “What kind of son put his other friend in the fucking hospital? What kind of grown ass son is afraid of the dark and screams like a fucking baby because I didn’t leave the kitchen light on?”
Michael’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as Debbie revealed one of his most hidden, embarrassing secrets. “Fuck you, Ma. I am NOT afraid of the dark. I was just worried that there would be a fire and I would be trapped against the radiator and burn to death”
“I should be so lucky” Debbie muttered under her breath. Michael heard her though, and huffily turned his back to her to sulk.
Blake, trying to direct the conversation to a less contentious topic, interjected “So have you heard anymore from Brian and Justin? Do you know where they went?”
“No, they wouldn’t say. But if I had to guess, I’d say they probably went to that house out in the boonies that Brian bought for Sunshine”
Michael’s head swivelled around so fast at hearing this, that it was a wonder he didn’t do himself a permanent injury. “There is no fucking way Brian would bring Boy Wonder to Novinney Manor. He and I are going to live there in wedded bliss” he declared with certainty. Blake and Debbie looked on as a dreamy expression crossed Michael’s face as he continued. “I just can’t wait for Brian to take me there. I’m going to have so much fun decorating. Apparently it’s so big that I will have lots of space for my comic memorabilia. Ooh, maybe I can theme each room for a superhero! That would be soooo amazing!”
“Yeah, that’s fucking likely” Debbie snorted. “Mr Designer Label would have a coronary if he saw your toys around the place. I know you were hypnotised, but you can’t be THAT fucking clueless”
Blake tried to hide his grin when he saw the look of indignant outrage on Michael’s face. He realised he made a mistake in turning the conversation to Brian, but he had to laugh at the dialogue between mother and son.
“They are NOT toys. They are collectibles. I don’t know how many times I have to explain this to you, Ma”. Debbie just rolled her eyes as Michael continued. “And if I were you, I would start worrying about what Brian will do when he finds out that you have chained me up like a fucking dog. He won’t stand for his fiancé to be treated in this manner” he threatened.
Debbie burst out into raucous laughter. “Are you fucking kidding me? Brian will probably pay me to keep you there for as long as possible. He’s probably worried you’ll try to hump his leg again”
Michael reddened at her comment, decided not to respond to it, and turned his attention to Blake.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep Ted away from Brian and me. I’m sorry he’s in the hospital, but I’ll put him there again if he tries to break me and Brian up”
Before Blake could answer, Debbie started shouting. “Michael Charles Novotney, I did not raise you to be violent” she screeched as she whacked Michael over the head with a dish cloth. “Stop threatening your fucking friends or I’ll rip you a new asshole with my bare hands”
Debbie went back over to the counter and boxed up muffins and lemon bars for Blake, and then went searching for a flask for the soup. Seeing that she was distracted, Michael hissed at Blake “Just keep Ted away from Brian, and no one will get hurt”
Blake was slowly losing patience so he replied curtly. “Considering they work together, that could be rather challenging, don’t you think Michael?” Seeing that Michael was building himself up for another tantrum, Blake decided it was time to leave. He hastily grabbed the boxes Debbie had given him and raced to the door, calling out that he would collect the soup later and ran out the door and out to his car, Michael’s screams of rage fading into the distance.
When Blake arrived at the hospital, he left one of the boxes Deb had given him at the nurses’ station. There was no way in hell that he and Ted could manage to get through them all, and besides, everyone knows that if you get the nurses on your side, then things move more smoothly. As he entered Ted’s room, there was no sign of him. Blake checked the bathroom before going back down to the Nurse’s station to see of Ted had been taken for tests. The nurse checked the files, before announcing “Oh Mr Schmidt discharged himself, against doctor’s orders I might add, early this morning. He rented crutches and insisted that we call him a cab”
Blake couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “How the hell could you let him leave? He had major surgery just yesterday! He’s in a body cast for goodness sake!”
The nurse just shrugged her shoulders. “We can’t keep grown adults here against their will. He signed a waiver, confirming that he understood this was against medical advice. It’s not like we could handcuff him to the bed”
“Do you know where he went?”
“Not a clue”
As Blake returned to his car, he tried to figure out where Ted would go. Well, the first thing to do was find out where Brian was, because Ted surely wouldn’t be far behind.
******************
Meanwhile at Kinnetik
Brian and Justin had the building to themselves seeing as it was a Sunday so they intended to get in and out quickly and get back on the road. The best laid plans were scuppered however, when Cynthia burst in to Brian’s office with a lamp in her hand, screaming that she had the police on speed dial. Seeing who the “intruders” were, she dropped her weapon and started to curse up a storm.
“Jesus, Brian, you fucking asshole. You scared the living shit out of me. Aren’t you supposed to be in New York?”
“Well hello to you too” Brian drawled sarcastically “…what a lovely way of greeting your boss”
Cynthia blushed, but she wouldn’t be put off her line of questioning. “Hello Brian. And you too Justin” she added, just noticing that Justin was in the room too. “Now will you please tell me what is going on? Why are you here?”
“Well, Cynthia, I work here” Brian replied facetiously. “What are YOU doing here, and on a Sunday morning, no less?”
“Well, since my boss called me yesterday morning and told me that he would be missing in action this week, I thought it might be prudent to get a jump start on the week” Folding her arms across her chest, Cynthia gave Brian her patent “Don’t fuck with me” stare and waited.
“You may as well tell her, Brian” Justin advised, “…considering that Ted won’t be here this week either while he’s in hospital. She needs to know”
“Ted’s in hospital? Oh my god, is he alright? What happened?”
Brian knew that Justin was right, but he didn’t want to hear yet another recounting of the last few days events. “You tell her, Sunshine. I’m going to grab some coffee” and with that, Brian strode out the door to walk to the nearest Starbucks, leaving Justin to, once again, do the dirty work.
Upon his return, Brian encountered a very shocked Cynthia, who was sitting with Justin on the sofa, disbelief showing on her face as she processed what she had heard. Brian’s usually unflappable second-in-command was, for once, flapped.
Placing the three large black coffees on the table in front of them, Brian walked over to the drinks cabinet and returned with whiskey to make all their coffees Irish. Granted it was 8am on a Sunday but fuck it, desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Cynthia, I know this is a lot to take in, but Brian needs you to man the ship for a while, until we get this crap sorted out” Justin said softly. Brian on the other hand, was more direct.
“Snap the fuck out of it” he demanded in the voice that put the fear of god into most of his staff. Cynthia was impervious to it, but it did snap her out of her reverie. Forgoing the coffee, she grabbed the whiskey from Brian and took several swigs before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, and then, in her usual calm, efficient manner, said “So, what’s the plan, boss?”
Brian leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek and whispered “Atta girl”. Rising to his feet, Brian began to pace the room figuring out what needed to be done. Turning to Cynthia and Justin, he started to list out instructions.
“Firstly, you are not to inform anyone, and I mean, ANYONE, of my whereabouts. If anyone asks, I’m out of state. Secondly, we will need to beef up security. Hire some temps to ensure that Mel, Michael or Ted are not let into the building”
“Brian, is that really necessary?” Justin questioned. “You won’t be here so what will it matter?”
Brian just smiled.
“Cynthia? Would you please inform my blond partner how many times per day Michael calls me at work, on average?”
Cynthia smirked as she replied. “On average? Three to five.”
“And how often does he drop in to visit?”
“Nearly every day”
“And that was when he wasn’t in ‘lurve’ with me” Turning to Justin, Brian enquired “Imagine what he’d be like now. No one would get any fucking work done”
“Okay, okay. I get it, you smug bastard” Justin conceded, playfully swatting Brian on the arm. “Please continue with your orders, oh mighty one”
Before Brian could continue however, a loud bang and muffled curses could be heard outside the office. Brian opened the door to investigate, but he had no sooner stuck his head out, when he rushed back in and locked the door.
“Brian, what is it? What’s going on?”
“It’s fucking Ted”
Justin shook his head in disbelief. “It can’t be Ted. He’s in hospital”
“Well, tell that to him, because as we speak, he’s knocking over vases as he makes his way up the corridor on fucking crutches” Brian retorted, running his hand through his hair in agitation. Couldn’t a man relax for five fucking minutes without having stalkers pop up everywhere?
“I’m calling Blake” Justin announced as he dialled the number.
The next fifteen minutes, as they waited for Blake to arrive, felt like the longest of Brian’s life. Ted had spent five minutes begging to be allowed into the office. The next five minutes were spent trying to break down the door by hammering on it with his crutches. When that didn’t work, he began to sing romantic arias to entice his ‘lover’. But however pissed off Brian was, Justin was livid. Though he understood that Ted couldn’t help himself, Justin couldn’t help be pissed when he had to listen to Ted try to ‘woo’ Brian. Eventually, Justin’s tolerance ended and he began to scream.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up” he roared, pounding on the door to interrupt Ted’s serenade. “Brian is with me. I’m with him. He fucks me, I fuck him”
Cynthia’s eyebrows raised at that comment, and she smirked at Brian. Brian just shrugged. “He fucks like a jack hammer” and turned his attention back to Justin.
“…He loves me, I love him. So stop your caterwauling before I rip your voice box out of your fucking throat”
The singing stopped.
A few moments later, they could hear another voice out in the hallway, a muffled conversation, followed by a knock on the office door.
“Brian, its Blake. I need to speak with you”
With great reluctance, Brian opened the door to see Blake and Ted waiting for him. Ted’s eyes lit up and he tried to shuffle towards Brian but Blake held him back.
“Brian. Ted has something to say to you, and then we’re going home”
Ted seemed to hesitate, so Blake turned to face Brian and winked at him before speaking. “Brian, I’ve explained to Ted that you need him to go home and recuperate until he is healed so that he can resume his husbandly duties as soon as possible”
Before Brian could reply, a screech of “What the fuck?” could be heard from Justin. Brian shushed him and turned his attention back to Blake and Ted.
“That’s correct, Blake” Brian said, playing along, though it nearly made him vomit. “…I need Ted to be in tip top shape to perform his… gulp … duties”
Ted looked from Brian to Blake and back again and nodded his head in resignation. “I understand Brian. I’ll go home and recuperate. But as soon as the body cast comes off, I’ll come straight back”
“You do that, Theodore. Bye Bye” Brian replied, and quickly shut and locked the door once more.
Looking at an amused Cynthia and an enraged Justin, he announced “You know? I think I underestimated the crystal counsellor. He’s an evil genius”. And with that declaration, Brian grabbed the keys for Britin in one hand and grabbed Justin with the other, before heading for the door.
“Now that I’ve had my romantic rendezvous with Ted, let’s get the fuck out of here before some else shows up”