Two Cher’s, three Liza’s, several Barbra’s, and one Tina Turner were at the table next to Brian, Justin and Debbie’s, giggling and gossiping so loudly and irritatingly that Brian was sure that if he carried a gun, he would be in deep-shit trouble right about now.

Woody’s Karaoke Queens Night was not something Brian would ever attend willingly but Emmett insisted that they meet there when Brian had called him to demand his help in recreating the previous night’s events.  

“Listen Mr. Kinney, I do have a social life that does not revolve around YOU, Your Highness, so I will not be available to meet you until ten at Woody’s” Emmett had told Brian pointedly. “It’s simply taking me hours to perfect my costume and I’m not going to ruin it by indulging your every whim. Besides, if I sweat, my makeup will run”

Brian had huffed, rolled his eyes and responded in his most queeny voice, “God forbid there be one less Christina Aguilera performing. If your makeup does run, just say you’re going for the Dirrty look”

Emmett’s gasp of outrage could be heard through the phone by both Justin and Debbie as he had begun to queen out.

“Christina Aguilera? Really Brian, what kind of queer do you take me for? Am I not known for my originality, my fabulousness, my colourful nature?” Emmett’s voice got higher and higher as he built to a crescendo and Brian was sure that the dogs of Liberty Ave would start howling if he went much higher.

“For fucksake Emmett, who gives a shit? Go as Britney Spears during “The Shaved-head Era” You’ve already got the receding hairline. And her god-awful taste in clothes” Brian snarled.

Justin had had to grab the phone off Brian and spend fifteen minutes trying to calm Emmett who had gone ballistic. “Hi Em.... you’re right, a total asshole... your taste in clothes is divine...of course you are hairy... on your head obviously... no Em, you don’t need to wax your man-garden...of course I’d tell you...okay, see you later.” 

As Justin ended the call, he had turned around and looked at Brian exasperatedly. “Congratulations Mr. Kinney on pissing off the one person who may be able to help you. Now you listen to me” Justin said, marching right up to Brian, pushing him until he fell back onto the sofa, then climbed on top of him, straddling his hips. “...you are going to Woody’s, you are going to clap and cheer when Emmett performs, you are going to compliment him, and you are not going to bitch and moan while we are there. Capishe?”

Brian capished alright. Having seen Justin’s terrifying temper in living colour over the last few days, he had no desire to be on the receiving end of it. Which is why he was sitting meekly at Woody’s, daydreaming about going postal on the drag queens beside him, but not saying a word.

Chugging the last of his beer, he made his way to the bar to get the next round of drinks while one of the Liza’s on stage did a surprisingly passible rendition of ‘Mein Herr’. As he waited for his drinks someone groped his ass and whispered “Hey there, Lover Man”. When Brian turned and looked into Hunter’s adoring eyes, he just couldn’t deal anymore.

“Justin! Justin! JUSTIN!!!” he ended up screeching over the din of music. Leaving his drinks on the counter, he ran to the safety of Justin’s arms and muttered “Fuck, there’s another one”.

Looking over Brian’s shoulder, Justin could see Hunter walking toward them with the drinks Brian had abandoned at the bar. Placing them on the table, Hunter took in the unlikely sight of Brian Kinney holding onto Justin like a child would cling to their teddy bear.

“Hey dude, what’s your damage?” Hunter said, looking quizzically at Brian. “Who died?” he added jokingly until he saw the sombre faces of the trio. “Oh fuck, did someone die?”

Justin decided to take control of this situation. The first step was to detangle himself from Brian, which was tricky as Brian seemed reluctant. Eventually he sat Brian down, then sat on his lap facing Hunter.

“Nobody is dead. But I need to tell you something” Justin said as he reached for Hunter’s hand in a supportive gesture.  Debbie scooted over so that Hunter could sit down. “This may be hard for you to hear but it’s important” Justin continued as he looked compassionately into Hunter’s worried eyes. “Brian is NOT in love with you. Brian did NOT fuck you last night”

Silence reigned as Justin, Brian and Debbie waited with bated breath for Hunter’s response. He looked from one concerned face to the other, before he settled his gaze back on Justin.

“Are we playing a game where we state the obvious? Okay, Brian did not fuck me; I’m not in love with him; Santa isn’t real; the tooth fairy doesn’t exist; Debbie is a gay man in a woman’s body; and you, Justin are clearly a deadly combination - blond and brain damaged”

With that, Hunter pulled his hand away from Justin’s and stood up, anger evident in his expression. “You really scared me, you piece of shit. I thought something was really wrong. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Justin gaped at Hunter open-mouthed. “You mean, you’re not in love with Brian?”

“Duh. I’m straight, blondie” Hunter replied before giving Brian a sexy leer “...not that I wouldn’t make an exception for you, gorgeous”

Justin jumped off Brian’s lap and looked at him disgustedly, shaking his head at the drama queen he had the misfortune of loving more than life.

“Your head is so fucking enormous, it’s a wonder you don’t fall over when you walk”

Brian, who felt slightly ridiculous for having freaked out the way he did, said defensively “He groped me and called me ‘Lover Man’. What the fuck was I supposed to think?”

“Brian Fucking Kinney running like a little virgin school-girl because someone made a move on him” Debbie snorted and then started cackling. “If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I wouldn’t have believed it”

Brian, who rarely blushed, turned a very unbecoming shade of puce, unable to think of a snappy comeback other than a “fuck you” to the three laughing bitches at his table. As the laughter began to die down, a somewhat confused, but definitely amused Hunter asked them what the hell was going on. So Justin and Deb filled him in while “My Heart Will Go On” was being sung by someone who looked like Celine Dion, if she had a 5 O’clock shadow and sang two octaves lower.

*********

Hunter couldn’t believe what he had just heard. If Debbie hadn’t reassured him that it was true, he would swear that this was pure bullshit. Hunter had spent the night at his girlfriend’s place, so he hadn’t even known that Michael was in hospital. Surely Debbie wouldn’t lie about that? Deciding to check things out for himself, he excused himself and went outside to call Ben.

Meanwhile Brian had just brought back another round of drinks when the next performer was announced. The familiar strains of “Hips Don’t Lie” rang out as Emmett, sorry, Shakira began to shake and shimmy. Emmett’s costume consisted of a red chiffon ankle length skirt, with numerous slits which gave glimpses of his legs as he moved. On top, he wore a chainmail halter-top, which just about covered his nipples, and left his back completely bare. On his head he wore a truly remarkable blond wig, which oddly enough, really suited him. But what really sold the act was Emmett’s dancing skills. His hips were shimmying and his abs were rolling, doing Shakira proud.

“Jesus, fuck” Brian spluttered as he choked on his drink at the sight of Emmett, “...it looks like he’s having an epileptic fit”.

“Not one more word from you, Kinney” Justin snarled at him. “You have been warned. I don’t see you clapping and cheering”

As Emmett came to the end of his performance, he waved and curtsied, acknowledging the crowd by blowing kisses. So caught up in the adulation was he that the MC had to drag him off the stage. Plonking down in a chair beside the gang, he pointedly ignored Brian while greeting the others. Justin kept shooting daggers at Brian so he eventually capitulated.

“Not half bad, Honeycutt”

Emmett continued to ignore Brian so he tried again.

“You really sounded like Shakira – you had that weird yodelling, toad mating call thing she does off to a tee”

This comment sparked a reaction in Emmett who was, once again, about to explode when they were interrupted by an aggravated looking Ben and a sheepish looking Hunter trailing behind him.

“Brian, I’d like a word” Ben said menacingly, through gritted teeth “...outside, NOW”

Before Brian could respond, Justin jumped up and placed himself between them, and tried to calm the situation. “Ben, I know you must be angry and hurt right now, but you don’t have all the facts. Michael and Brian didn’t have sex. Something happened last night and we are trying to get to the bottom of it...”

Ben glanced down at Justin and patted him condescendingly on his cheek. “I know you mean well, Justin, but this is between that whore...” he said, pointing at Brian “...and me. It’s time someone took that asshole down” Ben continued, pushing Justin out of his way as he moved toward Brian.

Brian had been willing to try to reason with Ben, aware of how this whole thing would appear to him. But no one, NO ONE, pushed Justin aside.

“Tisk tisk, Ben. Are you advocating violence? That’s not very Zen of you” Brian said snarkily, stealthily manoeuvring his way out of the corner seat he was in, so he wouldn’t be a sitting duck if Ben decided to attack him. “I would recommend that you meditate some more on this course of action” Brian continued “...I’m sure there is a mountain nearby you could haul your ass up to commune with nature”

Ben let out a growl of rage before leaping across the table to try to tackle Brian. However, anticipating this, Brian had lifted up his wooden chair to shield himself. Ben crashed to the ground with a large thud. As he tried to get up, the realization hit that his head was stuck in the broken frets. If he tried to pull free, he’d probably impale himself.

When Brian saw the predicament that Ben was in, he had to laugh. “Interesting accessory choice there, Professor” he snorted.

“Brian, would you just shut the fuck up for two minutes” Justin roared at him. Reaching over to Ben to help him stand up, he helped Ben into a seat and sent Hunter to fetch him some water. Seeing as Ben was somewhat captive audience, Justin tried yet again to reason with him.

“I know you’re pissed with Brian and Michael but honestly, they didn’t fuck. Something has happened to make Michael act this way and....”

The loud screeching of the microphone reverberations interrupted Justin.

“123 testing...testing... is this thing working?” whined the unmistakable voice of Michael Novotny.

As the gang all turned and looked toward the stage, the sight that greeted them was a shock, to say the least. Michael stood there in his hospital gown, with two black eyes and heavy bandaging across his nose. But more startling then that, he was holding a full-sized cardboard cut-out of Rage beside him.

“This song is dedicated to the man I love more than reason, more than life, more than Captain Astro” Michael simpered, making black goo-goo eyes at Brian. “...and it fully expresses the feelings I have in my heart. Please enjoy. I love you Brian”

With that, Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding out for a Hero” began to play and Michael began to sing.

Oh Holy Mother of God, he’s lost his mind” Debbie muttered, before charging toward the stage to try to grab her errant son.

Ben and Hunter seemed stunned into silence as they watched Michael twirl, revealing his ass in the opening of his hospital gown.

Brian decided to get the hell away while he could, so he grabbed Justin and Shakira, er, Emmett and hauled them out of Woody’s.

“Kindly unhand me Mr. Kinney. I’m still MOST upset with you”, Emmett said snootily as he made to walk back into Woody’s, but Justin stopped him.

“Emmett, cut the shit. We need you to bring us to the bar you went to with guys last night, because something happened there which caused Michael, Ted and Mel to think they are in love with Brian” Before Emmett could interject, Justin continued

“If I have to watch any of them try to hit on MY man again, I will hurt someone, very badly. So I suggest you don’t piss me off and do as I ask” Justin finished threateningly, daring him to say no.

Emmett gulped, having heard the sincerity of Justin’s threat.  “Well, honey, why didn’t you just say so? Let’s hustle over to Marty’s”