“Oh, my God... Oh, my God... no way... OH, MY GOD!!!

“Shut the fuck up, Honeycutt, and give me directions!” Brian ordered as he navigated the Corvette away from Woody’s. Emmett had told him that Marty’s was near the gym, but that could mean miles away, since Emmett’s sense of direction was much like his dress sense  - totally fucked. Brian wished he could punch the Shakira look-alike, but he couldn’t, seeing as Justin was currently stuck between the two front seats, straddling the gear stick, due to the ‘Vette not having backseats.

“Take the next left,” Emmett muttered before once again commencing his exclamations. “Oh, my God, baby! I just cannot believe this." Looking at Justin, who had just laid out the previous day’s craziness, Emmett was in shock. “I just can’t believe Mel has a green dildo! With her complexion, that is a very bad combination.”

“Of all the shit you just heard, what has you amazed is that Smelly Melly didn’t get her colours done before she chose the most complimentary dildo?” Brian tried to reach over to slap Emmett, but Justin intercepted him by grabbing his hand and placing it on his crotch, which oddly enough seemed to calm Brian down. 

“Mr. Kinney, there is nothing wrong in bringing a little colour and beauty into the world,” Emmett said haughtily, as he examined his manicure. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to add a little colour to your wardrobe, Brian. You don’t have to go crazy, maybe a little grey to break up all the black,” he bitched.

“Justin?” Brian looked at Justin beseechingly “...if you truly love me, you’ll let me kill him, and help me dispose of the body.”

Justin just laughed and rubbed Brian’s hand up and down his inner thigh. “I do love you, and would do virtually anything for you. But right now we need the Big Sparkly Queen to help us,” Justin whispered as he leaned over to kiss Brian’s cheek “We can leave killing him to some weekend when we’re less busy.”

Emmett, who hadn’t heard what Justin had said, just watched as the two lovers seemed to constantly need to touch each other, whether casually, or grope each other in a more sexual way as they were doing right now. Lord, I wish I had someone of my own to maul me, he thought to himself. Though, due to the reaction of Brian and Justin, who were staring at him as though he’d lost his mind, Em realized that he’d said it out loud and blushed furiously at the knowledge.

“Well, if you wanna be mauled, Emmett, far be it for me to stop you. In fact, I’ll drive you to the Pittsburgh Zoo, and push you into the lion enclosure myself.” Brian smiled sweetly.

“You are too kind, Mr. Kinney, but I won’t need to avail of your services,” Emmett replied huffily, turning away from the laughing pair beside him and staring determinedly out the window. 

As Emmett sulked, Brian turned to Justin and confided one worry he was grappling with. “What are we going to do about Ben, Sunshine? He is not going to listen to reason anytime soon.” Brian sighed, and rolled his lips in as he continued “...not that I blame him. This shit is so fucked up.”

Justin caressed Brian’s cheek as he tried to reassure him silently. There was nothing he could say. Convincing Ben of anything right now seemed to be impossible. Trying to project more confidence in his voice than he was feeling, Justin said, “When we find out what happened to cause this, we’ll explain this to Ben. Or maybe we should just get Debbie to do it.” Justin pondered. “He’s unlikely to try to kill her.”

As they both snickered at that, another thought occurred to Justin. “Shit, Brian! Lindsay thinks you’ve slept with Mel! You need to call her,” he said urgently as he began to rummage in his pockets for his cell phone. He tried to hand it to his partner, but Brian was having none of it.

“No way in hell am I calling her, Sunshine. I’ve had enough of hysterical lesbians for today.” Justin tried to convince him, but Brian actually put his fingers in his ears and started singing ‘la la la la’ like a five year old. 

“Jesus Christ, must I do everything myself?” Justin muttered as he dialled Linds' number.

As Justin spoke to Lindsay, Brian continued to sing to himself, trying to block out the occasional screech he could hear from Lindsey. He did notice that Emmett had suddenly perked up, and was avidly following the drama. Finally, he heard Justin saying goodbye to Lindsey as he awaited the verdict.

“So, Lindsay believes you didn’t fuck Mel,” Justin stated, avoiding Brian’s eyes as he continued. “She said you had difficulty keeping an erection with her when you fucked in college, so there was no way in hell you could get it up for Mel who you despise.”

Both Justin and Emmett screamed as Brian nearly steered them off the road into the sidewalk, coming perilously close to a pedestrian before he straightened up and pulled the car over to the side of the road.

“That lying piece of shit! I have never, NEVER, had a problem keeping an erection. I have stellar, awesome, rock-hard erections – the erections of champions, of fucking gods. I could totally get it up for Mel! Put that bitch back on the phone!” Brian yelled as he tried to pull the phone away from Justin without much success.

As Emmett began to sob with laughter, Justin tried to reason with Brian. “Come on, Brian. Do you really want to call Lindsey and convince her that you could totally fuck Mel? Listen to what you are saying.” As Justin spoke, he rubbed Brian’s inner thigh, allowing his pinkie to brush Brian’s dick on every upstroke. As Brian processed what Justin had said, his colour began to return to normal, and his breathing began to calm.

Starting the car again and pulling back out onto the road, Brian inquired, “So what else did that lying cow have to say about all this?”

“Well, she thinks that maybe Mel has early onset menopause, causing her to become irrational,” Justin replied, thinking that the madness he witnessed today could not be explained by hormones. Brian appeared to agree as he snorted with laughter. “Only normal women enter menopause. Mel is a fucking cyborg."

Eventually, Marty’s came into view, so Brian parked the Corvette out front and helped Justin navigate his way out of the car without impaling himself on the gear stick. As he looked at the building’s facade, he wondered what the fuck had possessed him to willingly enter such a place. From what he could see through the organza-curtained windows, it looked like a cross between a Turkish bath and Buddhist retreat/whore house.

“Jesus Christ,” Brian swore as the entered the bar “It looks like they decorated by having Liberace and the Dalai Lama vomit in here." Colourful fabrics were draped practically everywhere, giving the impression that you had entered a Bedouin tent. Psychics, Tarot readers, and crystal ball readers were dotted around the large expanse of the bar. Queers of all kinds were smoking from bongs, getting their palms read, and generally relaxing as they got completely drunk. 

It was a spectacle that Brian was certainly not expecting.  Turning to look at Emmett in disbelief, he continued, “There is no fucking way I willingly came here last night, Honeycutt!  I’d have had to have been completely off my face on drugs to spend more than five minutes in this shithole.”  He pushed Emmett against the wall and trapped him there, his strong arms pinning Emmett’s above his head as he growled, “What kind of bullshit are you trying to pull here? Do you think this is fucking funny?”

“Let go of me, you big bully!” Emmett demanded as he freed himself from Brian’s grip and straightened his wig, which had been knocked askew. “I’ll have you know that YOU, Mr. High and Mighty Kinney, did, in fact come here last night. And what’s more, you stayed here for at least a couple of hours.”

“There is no fucking way!” Brian repeated, shaking his head in disbelief.

Brian looked so confused that Emmett took pity on him. “Well, I must admit, you were NOT enthusiastic about it when I first suggested it. ButthenIgaveyouseveraltabsofEandyouwerefine,” he said quickly, hoping to gloss over that part.

“You did what?” Justin shouted.

“I gave him E, okay? Lots and lots of E so he wouldn’t be such a party pooper. In fact...,” Emmett continued, blithely unaware that Brian looked like he was about to strangle him, “...I spiked everyone’s drinks.”

As Brian and Justin stared at Emmett incredulously, he became defensive. “Really, I don’t see why you’re both so upset. Everyone was on such a downer last night; Michael wouldn’t shut up about the bloody sabbatical; Mel kept harping on about whether to move back to the Pitts; Teddy was moaning about Blake possibly leaving him; and you, Mr. Kinney, kept looking at your watch, daydreaming about Justin’s ass, no doubt. I was bored out of my mind.

”

Looking Brian defiantly in the eye, Emmett stated, “…so I did what I had to do. I spiked all your drinks. Don’t look at me like that, Brian Kinney! Need I remind you of what you did at Mel and Linds' party that time? Do the words ‘spiked punch’ mean anything to you?” 

Brian really couldn’t argue with that kind of logic, although Justin launched into a PSA about drugging people without their knowledge or consent. Eventually Brian interrupted Justin’s tirade and got to the point.

“Okay, so Emmett spiked our drinks with E. That would explain how he got me to come here, but it doesn’t explain all the other shit that’s going on. I don’t black out on E, and it definitely wouldn’t cause Mel’s sudden ‘love’ for me. Something else must have caused it.”

As the trio pondered this, they were approached by an extremely tall person who said, “Perhaps, I can help?”

There, in the flesh was Mysterious Marilyn!