This is a continuation of "Hi, My Name is Brian and I'm an Alcoholic." This story is a continuation of that story and you need to read the other story first. It starts 3 weeks after the other story ends and tells the story of Brian and Justin.
3 Weeks Later
Mondays were always a little hectic at Kinnetic, the staff digging into the projects that weren't quite finished on Friday, and today was no different. The final stages of the spring campaign for Brown's new women's athletic line were due by Wednesday. Brian was double-checking the storyboards, the font, the colors, and the photos down to the jewelry the models were wearing. He'd learned early on in his career that you never knew what the public would hone in on. Some people looked for diversity in the ads, while other people looked at the apparent location of the shoot. He'd heard from quite a number of focus groups that the location either deterred or added to the advertisement. He had to balance between eye-popping locations that caught the attention of the audience and too over-the-top ones that made it appear that the company was selling something other than its intended product. Of course, Brian knew that every advertisement was actually selling a message that if you buy this product, your life will look like this ad. In addition to the Brown campaign, there were Kinnetic's other customers that needed attention. Sometimes Brian felt like a parent with hundreds of children all wanting his undivided attention, but somehow he had learned to delegate most of the responsibilities to his account execs, while he still personally handled a few of the accounts that the agency started with. Brown Athletics, Remson Pharmaceuticals and Eyeconic Eyewear were a few that he personally handled. While all of the companies were important for Kinnetic's bottom line, these three had a personal connection to him, and he wanted to continue being their primary contact.
Ted came into Brian's office as he was reviewing one of the storyboards.
"You seem pretty calm today. Normally, Mondays are a madhouse and everyone is running around trying to ensure that the final meetings are set to go. Isn't Brown coming in for their final approval this week?"
Brian stepped away from the storyboards that were lined up on easels in his office and turned toward Ted. "I've been practicing relaxation techniques and really working on my mindset. Cleo has been encouraging me to recognize the things that I cannot change to help with my triggers."
Ted nodded in understanding. "I take it that deadlines are a trigger for you?"
"Not really deadlines, but the whole idea that everything has to be perfect. He's been talking with me about my need for perfection and the notion of control. There are some things I can control and if something is within my power to control, it is okay to want it perfect. However, there is a lot in this world that I cannot control, and I'm working on identifying those things and learning not to be upset when those things go wrong," Brian pointed to a storyboard. "See there is a little imperfection in the board, right here." Brian pointed to a slightly raised area. "Before Cleo, I would have ranted at the art department, the printing department, and anyone who walked in the room but today I'm not doing that. I'll finish looking at all the boards, take the ones down that I think need adjustments, and ask that they get reprinted. I realize that the art department and printing department isn't responsible for a bubble in a board."
"Wow. I'm impressed. Cleo sounds pretty amazing. I guess finding a new sponsor hasn't been all bad," Ted said as he looked at Brian, calm and confident. He'd always thought Brian was confident, but calm would not have been an adjective he would have used to describe his boss and friend.
"Cleo has taught me a lot. He's different from Justin. It's a different kind of relationship." Brian said, watching Ted raise his eyebrows at the term. Brian smiled and shook his head. "Justin was a great sponsor, attended every meeting with me, and only wanted to help me. At that point in my life, I had never had anyone close to me that did things for me just because they wanted to."
Ted tried to keep his face neutral but failed and Brian saw his expression.
"Damn. I may be calm, but my word-finding skills suck this morning," Brian said, tongue in cheek. "Let's try this again. You've been a great friend throughout my journey, but you typically don't ask things of me unless they are work-related. I was so used to Michael, Debbie, and of course, the ‘munchers' assuming that I would always fix things and wanting something from me. It was like their friendship was dependent on what I could bring to the table, rather than being mutually beneficial. It was like they were my friends because I had money or I hung out with them. Justin just wanted to be my friend and had no preconceived expectations. Until recently, our friendship and my friendship with Emmett were pretty superficial. We hung out together but reaching out to either of you for anything would never have occurred to me. Thankfully, both of you have shown me that true friendship is not a quid pro quo. Does that make sense?"
"Sure, Brian. Until you got sober you never experienced friends who just do things for you because they like you. When Justin offered to be your sponsor, you were amazed that someone would offer their time to help you without expecting anything in return," Ted said, summarizing the idea of friendship. "It makes sense that you developed feelings for Justin. He showed you that friendship can be an option with two people."
"Justin is great. We enjoy spending time together and Gus really likes him. He's been good for me," Brian said as he remembered their time together over the weekends.
"So, you're still pursuing something more with Justin?"
"Yeah. Justin loves to spout PSAs at me. He said the other day that the best relationships start out as friends. So right now, we've taken the sponsor thing off the table and are concentrating on the friendship, seeing where that might go," Brian said, explaining the dynamics of the situation.
Ted was happy for Brian, albeit concerned that he does not dive into anything too early in his sobriety. He chose not to push the situation and then remembered the papers in his hand. "Oh, I forgot," he said, waving the papers he was holding. " I brought the new contracts for Brown for you to review."
"Put them on my desk. And Ted, thanks for being my friend," Brian said and turned back to the easels where the storyboards were perched, thus ending their discussion.
On Monday nights Brian attended the meeting where he met Cleo, strengthening their connection. After the meeting, the two of them went for coffee, sitting at their normal table.
"I'm pleased you have continued to attend the 27 meeting instead of returning to your previous Monday meeting," Cleo said, referring to the AA meeting by its designated room number. Many meetings had names that reflected their location rather than labeling them as AA meetings, stressing the anonymity of the group. He waved the waitress over and asked for a pot of coffee.
"I thought it would be good to attend the same meeting as you. I told you that my old sponsor and I attended all the same meetings. Since you only attend one meeting a week, I thought it was important for us to share that experience," Brian said, grabbing for the menu.
"It is your recovery and whatever works for you is good. If we attend the same meeting, we would be seeing each other once a week and I feel that is critical. Talking is good, but I really feel that a sponsor gets a lot of information from body language, not just what you tell me. For all I know you could be enjoying a drink as we talk on the phone each night," Cleo said, giving an example, but not really suspecting that Brian was guilty of doing that.
"That's a lot of effort to hide the fact that I'm drinking," Brian said. "Does that really happen?"
"Sure it happens. Alcoholics lie all the time, you'll find all the lies are rooted in their drinking. They lie to themselves about their drinking: how much they drink, when they drink, who they are with when they drink, pretty much everything surrounding drinking. While there are no AA monitors, there are people who come to meetings when they are drunk. No one passes judgment on them as no one knows if they have reached rock bottom and have come when they finally decide to change or they just haven't accepted that they are an alcoholic and are testing the waters. Of course, coming to a meeting when you're drunk isn't very helpful," Cleo said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
"I hadn't thought about that, but I guess it does make sense. Does the leader talk to them afterward? I mean how is it handled?"
"That depends on how drunk they are. The biggest thing is not to let the person hurt themselves or others. I've seen the leader call for a Lyft or Uber to ensure they don't drive home. Preventative actions. It can get real sticky there."
They sat in companionable silence as Brian thought about that. He briefly wondered if it would have been better if Michael had done that rather than taking the responsibility himself.
"It's been a few weeks since we met. Am I meeting your expectations?" Cleo asked, but put up his finger in front of his lips before Brian could answer. "You won't hurt my feelings either way. Sponsorship is not about me, but about helping you."
"I didn't think I would like the journaling, but I have really found it helpful. I think this is working for me. I did a lot of thinking over the last six months, but writing down my thoughts can really help me see patterns. I'm not sure if we would have worked when I started my journey, but it's good now," Brian said, turning back to the menu. "I haven't eaten dinner. Mind if I order?"
"No, go ahead. I might splurge and order some dessert. They have the best pie here,' Cleo said as he grabbed a menu as well.
The waitress came and took their order.
"You mentioned your journal and seeing patterns. I know it's a little early to see patterns, but why don't you share with me some of the things you've been exploring," Cleo asked as he put the menu back in the holder.
"I told you a little about my former sponsor and how we've developed feelings for each other. He insisted that I find a new sponsor and once I did we talked. We're friends and we are going to see if it might lead to something else. I've been writing a lot about that possibility. Honestly, I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to look like. I didn't exactly have any role models growing up," Brian said, finding himself wanting to share his thoughts with Cleo.
"You spoke a few times in group about growing up in an abusive home and that is what drew me to approach you. Not only did I grow up with two alcoholic parents, but also an abusive father. I don't talk about it very much, but I thought if I ever did share that information, you would understand." Brian took a few sugars and some creamer and fixed his coffee, then took a sip. "Much better than the group."
"You had role models, not just good ones. Are you afraid that you will screw up a relationship because you've never seen a good one?" Cleo asked, choosing to ignore the comments about his childhood abuse.
"Yeah. I know you don't have to have good role models to be successful. I didn't want to be a father because I thought I'd screw it up, but I love Gus and I've been told that I'm a great father. But I only see him on weekends and a few weeks of summer break. A relationship is different."
"I'm not going to lecture you, Brian. I think you know that you've got a lot of changes in your life right now and adding a relationship is a big change as well. That is why AA doesn't encourage relationships in early recovery."
"But who's to say what stage I'm in? I mean Justin always says there is no syllabus and you don't get a check box saying I've completed this step," Brian said, a little defensively.
"You're right. There is no syllabus. No one is going to kick you out of AA because you started a relationship. But the key here is that new relationships give you a high on their own. It's important not to substitute addiction for a new high, your relationship," Cleo said as he smiled at the waitress who brought their food.
Brian thought about that statement for a few moments. "No one has ever put it in those terms. You think I'm making a mistake?"
"What do you think? You are the one who matters. My opinion is just that, an opinion." Cleo picked up his fork to take a small bite of the pecan pie he's ordered.
"I want to go for it. Since I really don't have any basis to judge whether I'm replacing one addiction for another. I just know that I like Justin and want him in my life. We agreed we weren't going to jump into bed and limit stuff to kissing. That is a big change for me. Prior to sobriety, my sexual conquests were infamous. I definitely lived up to my moniker of "Stud of Liberty Avenue" Not that I was like a horse stud, hired out to sire children, but more like I had sex a lot," Brian said, not apologizing for his previous behavior. He picked up his fork to take a bite of his chicken, stealing himself for the taste that was bound to not be as good as the dishes that he and Justin had been preparing. He allowed himself to think about the irony in his thoughts. The idea of a home-cooked meal was as far away from his norm as dating, but now both were something he was doing.
"So, you were addicted to sex and alcohol?" Cleo asked, attempting to clarify Brian's statement and getting to know him better.
"From all the discussions I participated in AA meetings, I would say, yes. But I haven't done either of those activities in over six months. And I told Justin I wasn't ready to hop into bed with him. I think Liberty Avenue would be speechless if they knew that the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" hadn't had sex with anything but my right hand in over six months." Brian didn't expect Cleo to balk at his sexual exploits, and it appeared from the lack of expression on his face, Brian was correct.
"Have you thought about what dating might look like, especially in lieu of your past?" Cleo took another bite of his pie and drank some coffee. "This pie is excellent. I'm glad I splurged."
Brian was surprised at the question. "Not really. I kind of thought we would just see where it leads. Why? Should I have thought about it?"
"Maybe. Having preconceived notions about dating a person can lead to a lot of problems if the reality doesn't match your expectations. Disappointment can lead to drinking and I wanted to check in with you regarding your expectations. Not having any is probably a good thing, but if you don't have some ideas of what you want, it can also cause problems." Cleo finished his cup of coffee and poured himself another one.
"So it's a double-edged sword. I should have some idea of what I want so I will have some benchmarks to determine if it is working out. But on the other hand, if I don't have any expectations I might be disappointed that things are not what I wanted," Brian said, making sure he understood Cleo's statements.
"Right. Taking it slow is good. But you should have a plan on handling the ups and downs in a relationship. No matter how much you like the person, there is always going to be conflict."
"You're telling me to plan for problems. Isn't that a little like sabotage?" Brian asked, not having thought that far. He took another bite of his chicken and thought that the chicken that he and Justin had prepared was definitely better than what was on his plate.
"Not really, it's reality. Life is not smooth. We all have bumps in the road; whether it be the little stressors of life like a flat tire or the alarm not going off in the morning to major issues like a health crisis or a lost job. Planning how you are going to handle adversity is a big part of maintaining your sobriety. Just like you have to know your triggers, you have to know your coping strategies."
"I guess that makes sense. I just think it seems a little defeatist to think that there will always be something that goes wrong," Brian said as he finished his chicken. He thought about the discussion and realized there was merit in what Cleo said and he would most likely be journaling about it in the next few days.
"I think that these meetings are going to work well. Like you said, we don't have to meet every day, but an extended meeting seems to be very helpful. We'll talk tomorrow night." Brian signaled the waitress for their bill.
"Sounds good, Brian, but don't hesitate to call if you need something before tomorrow night. As I said, life is not smooth and hiccups occur. They don't occur on our timeline- at night on Mondays between 7:00 and 8:00," Cleo smiled, as he looked at Brian. "I hope this thing with Justin goes smoothly, at least for a while." He brought out his wallet, paid for his portion of the bill, and left a tip.
They left the diner and went their separate ways.
It was about 10:00 when Brian got home and he found that he was tired so went to bed.
Justin and Brian attended their AA meeting on Tuesday, the first time they had spoken since Sunday night. When they met, they gave each other a hug and then joined the meeting, paying attention to the leader and each man applying the concepts to his own life. Afterward, they returned to Justin's apartment.
Justin put on a pot of coffee and said, "How was your meeting with Cleo?"
"Good. He was the second person yesterday that talked to me about relationships. It was very enlightening," Brian said, seeing if Justin would ask him more. He understood the sanctity of the sponsorship relationship and had told Brian it was up to him to discuss the discussions that he had with Cleo. He was no longer Brian's sponsor and he did not want to intrude on that relationship.
"Oh. Care to elaborate?" Justin asked as he reached for the quinoa on the shelf. "I thought we'd make that Indian dish that you like so much. Actually, I forgot to take out the chicken to defrost so we have to make whatever is in my pantry.
Brian laughed. "You know, we could go to my place sometimes after a meeting. I do know how to go to a grocery store and Emmett has outfitted my kitchen with probably every kitchen gadget known to man." Brian walked to the pantry and got out the garbanzo beans and the necessary spices, having memorized the ingredients since they were making this dish at least once every few weeks.
"I hadn't thought about it. We only started cooking together when Emmett started watching Gus on Saturday nights. I guess we could go to the store and pick up stuff for the week or we could alternate weeks and pick up the stuff on our week," Justin said as he was trying to talk through the logistics of shopping.
"We're not planning an ad campaign. We're just buying food. I really don't care, just let me know if you want me to go shopping. Gus and I shop every Friday when I pick him up from school and I can easily add whatever we want to make for the week."
"I guess that makes sense to go shopping on Fridays with Gus. You know how you have knowledge in one part of your brain and something else in another part and you remember both pieces but don't put the two of them together?" Justin looked at Brian for confirmation of his idea as he got out the saucepan. He measured the quinoa and rinsed it.
"I hadn't thought about it, but sure, we all do that. I guess we can make a list on Thursday," Brian said, wondering if Ted and Blake had similar discussions about groceries and cooking. He'd never thought about it since he usually ordered in but acknowledged it was something that most likely everybody discussed.
"Before we got off on a tangent about grocery shopping, you mentioned relationships. Care to share? No, is perfectly acceptable. I don't want to pry." The coffee was ready and he placed two mugs on the counter with creamer and sugar. Each man prepared their mug to their liking and placed the mugs away from their prep surface, waiting for them to cool.
"Ted mentioned yesterday that I was especially calm for a Monday, two days out of a big presentation for a major client. We got to talking about Cleo and how he has been working on my mindset about the things I can and cannot change. And then that conversation flowed into us. We talked about how a big part of your appeal was that you weren't my friend because you wanted something from me," Brian explained as he opened the garbanzo beans and drained the water from the can.
Justin poured the water into the saucepan and placed the rinsed quinoa in it. He turned on the burner on medium heat and said, "It'll be at least 20 minutes before the quinoa is ready. Why don't we sit in the living room? We manage to cook together in here but it can get a little tight."
Brian and Justin picked up their mugs and sat in the living room. Brian took a few sips from his coffee before saying, "Cleo and I also talked about relationships."
"Brian, you know you don't have to talk about anything with me that you're uncomfortable with. Your conversations with Cleo are about your recovery and while I'm your friend and I understand your struggles, we agreed that you needed a safe place to talk about your addiction. Talking with me is fine, but I don't want you to hold back your feelings and thoughts because you think I'll not like them. That is why I insisted you get a different sponsor," Justin said, hoping to ease any qualms Brian might have about disclosing the contents of their discussion. He sat on the edge of the couch opposite Brian, facing his body towards him.
"I know. I don't feel compelled to share our discussions with you and usually, I don't. I guess that I mentioned this because I think it is important for us," Brian said, hoping he would be able to explain Cleo's points without making a mess of the explanation.
"He asked if I had any expectations about our relationship. He explained that there were pros and cons to the answer. If I didn't have any clear expectations then I couldn't know if the relationship was what I wanted; however, he said that if I had too high of expectations or just expectations that weren't met then I might be tempted to drink. He wanted assurance that I had a plan for when things didn't go well. He said that every relationship has its ups and downs and that I needed to be prepared." Brian took a deep breath, waiting for Justin to comment on his little expose.
"Let me see if I understand you. Cleo wants you to think about what you expect from us and then also a plan to handle the stress or disappointment or whatever when we have problems. Is that right?" Justin said, trying to summarize the ideas in very concrete terms.
Brian nodded. "I've been thinking about his question off and on all day and my brain kept coming back to ‘I need to talk to Justin'. So here I am, talking to Justin."
"Wow," Justin opened his mouth and stretched his neck in a way that showed surprise. "I wasn't expecting that. What did you come up with? I mean besides that you needed to talk to me,"
"I didn't really come up with much. As I've said before, I have zero experience in dating or relationships. I'm not really sure where to start." Brian looked at Justin, hoping he would have more of an idea where to start the conversation.
"I'll start then. I look at what my parent's relationship is like and know that I don't want that. My Dad had conditions on love. If you didn't follow his rules, then he took away his approval and affection. To me, that is not a relationship,' Justin said, the pain of his father's rejection always fresh in his mind. Usually, he didn't think about it, but today, he felt he needed to add it to the discussion.
"Okay, but is sobriety a condition of our relationship? We started the relationship based on that issue. Would you still want to be in a relationship with me if I wasn't sober? What if I just relapsed for a few weeks and then got back to AA and the sobriety journey. How would you feel?" Brian asked, needing to know if Justin had thought of that possibility and what that would look like if he failed or Justin failed.
Justin heard the timer go off in the kitchen. "We need to continue the prep for dinner, but we can talk while we work. We've made the recipe enough times that we should be good."
‘Let's not talk while we cook. Well, let's just talk about the cooking, not about relationships. One thing Cleo has taught me is that I need to be 100% present when I have a conversation," Brian said, disagreeing with Justin. It didn't occur that this was probably the first time that he had not gone along with whatever Justin had suggested.
"Fair enough. Cleo has sage advice. Why don't you cut up the spinach while I open the can of tomatoes and measure the spices?" Justin suggested. He reached into the drawer for the measuring spoon set and started measuring the ingredients while Brian cut the spinach. When they were done, they mixed the ingredients according to the directions and combined them with the quinoa and beans. Justin simmered the mixture for about 5 minutes, allowing all the ingredients to mix together, and then the meal was ready. Brian reached for several bowls and Justin parceled out two portions, leaving the remainder in the skillet in case they wanted seconds. They grabbed forks and sat at Justin's dining room table. Brian went to the living room and brought their coffee mugs to the table.
"Okay, where were we?" Justin asked as he took a bite of their Indian dish.
"I was asking you what you would do if I started drinking again. You know, would you stop being my friend or whatever this is if I started drinking," Brian asked as he moved his hand back and forth between them.
"That one is easy and the answer is no. I wouldn't stop being your friend, at least not at first. I know that people sometimes lapse and that would not be a deal-breaker but I would continually support you in trying to get you back into recovery. I can't give you a timeline that I would say, no, I can't be your friend anymore, but I'm sure that eventually, I would have to back away. I'll always be your friend, but I don't know if I could be in a long-term relationship with you if you were actively drinking. I can't give you a number like 3 months or 6 months, but I can honestly say that I don't think I could sustain a long-term commitment if you weren't in recovery." Justin answered the question, not really surprised by his own response, but found it interesting that Brian had contemplated it.
"What about me? If I started drinking again, what would be your thoughts?" Justin asked, needing to know how Brian thought about this area, even though up until today he hadn't thought about it.
"I think my answer is the same as yours. I wouldn't break all ties the minute you took a drink and I would do everything in my power to get you back in recovery, but eventually, and I couldn't give you an exact number, I would have to break those ties if you continued down that road," Brian answered. He couldn't imagine that Justin would ever go back to drinking but knew that this was always a possibility.
"Okay, so sobriety is a big condition of our relationship. Anything else?" Justin asked.
"You have to treat Gus well. He tells me all the time about his various friends whose parents find new partners but the new partner treats the kid like shit. Gus is important and he would come first if I had to choose." Brian was very adamant about Gus' place in his life. He'd fought too long and missed too much to not include him.
"Of course. I love being with you and Gus. I couldn't imagine you without him. Anything else. I mean do you have thoughts about the actual relationship itself, not drinking or the inclusion of Gus?" Justin asked, having some specific areas in mind but not wanting to broach them unless Brian did.
"You have something in mind, I recognize that look. Care to share?" Brian teased Justin, feeling that he recognized the look on Justin's face that said he had something to add to the conversation but was waiting for the right time.
"We're not anywhere near the other issues that we might need to talk about. Things like dating others, sleeping over, sex. I'm not sure we really need or should talk about those until we are ready to move forward. I mean we're just trying to figure out us and I think it is a little premature to talk about the physical stuff or whether we should be exclusive. I don't know about you, but I barely have time to work, attend meetings, and meet you for dinner on a regular basis. I can't imagine dating someone else,"
"Honestly, Justin, I can't twist my mind around dating, much less any of the other things you mentioned. Maybe as we move forward and see where this leads, we should revisit the conversation," Brian said as he took another bite of his dinner.
"That sounds like a great idea. Thanks for sharing with me, Brian. But remember, I don't expect you to discuss every conversation you have with Cleo with me," Justin said as he finished the last of his dinner. "I'm stuffed. Do you want more? If not, I'll put it away and we can eat it later this week.'
"No, I'm good. I better head out anyway. I've got a big presentation tomorrow and I need to be in top form." Brian took his bowl to the kitchen and placed it in the dishwasher. He grabbed a cloth and started wiping down the counters while Justin washed the saucepan and the skillet. He tossed the cans in the recycling bin after he rinsed them out. He returned the spices to the cabinet.
"I'll pick up some salmon steaks tomorrow. I have to go to the market. We can eat the leftovers on Thursday. Then you and Gus can go to the store on Friday and we'll cook at your place next week," Justin told Brian as he walked him to the door.
Brian stood face to face with Justin and guided Justin's neck toward him, positioning his mouth in front of his. He opened his mouth, lightly licking Justin's lips, asking for entrance into the warm mouth. Justin eagerly opened his mouth and the two of them shared an intimate kiss. Brian wrapped his arms around Justin, pulling their bodies close, feeling his erection press against his body. Ignoring the erection, he enjoyed the intimacy of their kiss, thinking that one day, he would acknowledge Justin's arousal as well as his own. Today, he was satisfied with their intimate kiss. They kissed for well over 3 minutes, but then Brian pulled away.
"I hate to break up this little party, but I really must get home. While I told Cleo and Ted that I have a much better handle on stress these days, I still know tomorrow will bring a lot of stress. See you tomorrow,' Brian said and turned toward the door. Justin let him out and closed the door.
As Brian drove home, his phone rang and the caller ID noted it was Lindsay.
"Linds. Everything okay? Is Gus okay?" Brian quickly asked, noting the late hour.
"Gus is fine. He told us that you signed him up for a summer art program. Why didn't you ask us before you signed him up? We could have had plans for him and he couldn't be in two places at once. Lots of those programs are non-refundable. Are you planning on paying for it as we surely can't? I'm familiar with the program and it is really expensive. How is he supposed to get there and who is going to pick him up at noon? And even if we could figure out how to pick him up, what is he supposed to do with the rest of the afternoon?"
Brian was silent as she threw question after question at him.
"Brian. Brian. Are you there? Answer me." Lindsay demanded.
Brian pulled into his garage and said, "I've got it covered," and hung up.
Lindsay didn't like that answer and immediately called back, but he did not pick up.
He thought, ‘and so it begins'.
TBC