Chapter 9- last time

On his way home, his phone rang and he saw Justin's name come up on the screen.  He did not hesitate to answer the phone.

"Hey,"  Brian said

"Hi.  I just wanted to tell you that I missed you tonight.  Are you free for lunch tomorrow?  We could get together,"  Justin asked, hoping Brian wanted to meet him.

"I think that can be arranged,"  Brian said, mentally reviewing his calendar for the next day.

"Good.  Why don't we meet at the diner on 7th?  It's not too far from your work,"  Justin suggested but thought that it was also not too far from Brian's loft. He hoped that maybe they could enjoy a little more than food. 

"Sounds good.  See you tomorrow.  I'll text you a time after I look at my calendar and double-check things."  Brian said as he calculated how long he could stretch his lunch and still get the prep work done that he needed for the meeting on Wednesday.  He could feel those endorphins lighting up his brain in anticipation of tomorrow.  He hoped he wasn't wrong about Justin's intentions.

Chapter 10

Brian went to work the next morning and reviewed his calendar again.  The last thing he did every evening was to check his calendar for the following day to verify that he had completed any work he would need first thing in the morning.  It gave him a sense of accomplishment to see what he had done during the day and helped keep his work day in order.  In the morning, he also reviewed the calendar to arrange his files in order of his upcoming meetings.  He had an 11:00 meeting with Ted to review a new contract and then he didn't have anything until 2:30.  He smiled as he thought about having lunch with Justin.  He sent a quick text informing him that he'd be available at about 12:30 and told him he'd meet him at the diner on 7th like he suggested.  

He went into the break room where Ted was pouring his morning coffee.  Ted saw the smile on Brian's face and asked, "Did we just land another multi-million dollar account?  You are smiling pretty big this morning."

Brian raised his eyebrows and said, "No multi-million dollar accounts, but Justin asked me to join him for lunch."

"Oh,"  Ted said, debating whether he should comment more.  "I guess your date went well and now he's reciprocating." 

Brian's smile got even bigger and he nodded yes.  "It did go well.  I hadn't thought of this as a date, but maybe you're right.  I better grab my coffee and get to work, if I'm going to meet Justin for lunch."  Brian went to the coffee pot and poured a mug of coffee and added the requisite sugar and cream to it.  When he was done, he brought it to his nose, inhaled the rich aroma, and took a sip.  "Perfect.  I'll see you later, Ted."  

Brian's morning flew by and when he was done with his 11:00 finance meeting, he said to Ted, "I'm off.  I'll see you later."

"Have fun," Ted said, as he smiled at Brian's obvious excitement over a simple lunch meeting.

Brian parked his car in front of the diner and walked in, looking around for Justin.  He spotted him in the back corner and quickly walked to the table where he was sitting.  Justin stood up and gave Brian a hug and a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down.  Brian returned both the hug and the kiss, his cock showing its appreciation by straining against his pants.  

They sat down and grabbed the menus from the stainless steel holder at the edge of the table.  Brian looked at the menu quickly deciding what he wanted and put down the menu, indicating to the waitress that he was ready to order.  Justin took a few moments longer but quickly followed suit.  The waitress came to their table and took their orders.

"You missed me, huh?"  Brian teased.  "I mean you'd see me at the meeting tonight unless you can't make it?"

Justin smiled and said, "Yeah.  I know we'll see each other tonight, but after the great weekend we had, not seeing you yesterday... I missed you."  

Brian said,  "Yeah.  The weekend was fantastic."

"So, I decided that I didn't want to wait for tonight.  I got to thinking about our conversation and us.  It was really different Friday night, just the two of us.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you and Gus, but Friday night was fun.  Sure, we've spent almost every evening together for the last 9 months, but it's usually after our AA meetings. Up until a few months ago, I was your sponsor so the conversations surrounded your sobriety.  Now things are different."  Justin took a sip of his water.

"So does this mean you asked me out for a date?" Brian asked.  

Justin laughed. "Well.  I guess you would have to call it a date.  That means I have to pay for your lunch.  Good thing that you don't eat a big lunch.  You might break my wallet," he teased.

"Good.  Does that mean we won't be eating dinner together tonight after the meeting?"  Brian asked, hoping that Justin wasn't substituting lunch for their after-meeting dinner.

"I still plan on attending the meeting and we both have to eat.  I just want us to have some time together where we're not attending AA.  Weekends are busy since you have Gus.  We go to meetings every night and work during the day.  I had to come up with some time that we had sort of free.  Lunch seemed our only option since we don't want to give up AA.  And while our dinners after our meetings are not as focused as when I was your sponsor, we still often talk about the information presented in meetings,"  Justin explained as he watched Brian's face during his little speech.

The waitress brought their food and both men took a few bites of their meal.  

"Sounds good to me.  There's only one downside to having "lunch dates","  Brian said as he put air quotes around the words.

"And what is the downside?  I thought it was a great solution," Justin asked.

"The downside is that we don't have time for sex.  I have to tell you Justin that I keep thinking back to the sex on Friday and my whole brain lights up.  I know that if I took you back to the loft or I met you near your apartment, I would not want to return to work,"  Brian confessed his thoughts on their sexual activities from the other night.

Justin smiled and blushed slightly.  "Ah, I see now.  You only want to meet me if you can get off,"  Justin teased and took another bite of his burger.  "Well, Brian, I guess we will have to figure out a way around that problem.  Neither of us can take off the afternoon on a regular basis.  I guess the sex part will have to wait until the evenings.  Just think of the anticipation."

"Anticipation is not what my cock likes to hear.  Instant gratification is more my style.  But for you, I guess I will compromise.  So are you saying that we can have sex tonight after our AA meeting?  If so, I can tell you that I might have a hard time concentrating knowing what is waiting once we're alone,"  Brian said, enjoying the sexual tension and light-hearted teasing.

Justin licked his lips and looked at Brian. "Who says that every time we get together we're going to have sex?  Anticipation and spontaneity are important, but sex should be special,"  Justin said, stepping back a little in their little light-hearted banter. 

Brian ate a few bites of his salad before he responded.  "Cleo and I talked about sex last night."  He stabbed some lettuce with his fork and did not continue right away, trying to decide if he wanted to bring up the discussion. 

"Really?  Was he uncomfortable with the fact that you are gay?  Somehow, it didn't seem like he would mind.  I mean, I've never met him but you never try to hide your sexuality,"  Justin said, hoping that Brian was not regretting having Cleo as a sponsor and would have to find a new one.

"No, he's fine with my sexuality.  It's not like I'm trying to sleep with him,"  Brian smiled and licked his lips as he looked at Justin.  "Otherwise, I might decide that I'm a bad influence on my sponsors. He was warning me about sex."

"Warning you about sex.  Care to elaborate?  I mean you're not some teenager who hasn't lost their virginity and he surely doesn't see his role as your parent,"  Justin said, commenting on Brian's statement.  

"I told him that after we had sex, all I could think about was doing it again.  I told him it was like my brain lit up and I just wanted that feeling again as soon as possible.  He started talking about endorphins and how sex and drinking both dump endorphins into your brain. Basically, he was warning me about substituting alcohol addiction for sex addiction."  Brian took a drink of water, feeling his throat a little dry.  He wasn't sure what kind of response he expected from Justin, but he hoped Justin wouldn't put the brakes on their sex exploration.

"I see.  Well, he's not wrong.  Sex endorphins can be really enticing.  I can see how he would want to warn you about having sex since you just described it as lighting up your brain,"  Justin said, mulling over the conversation in his brain.  "What do you think?  I mean, do you think you enjoyed the sex and am seeking for us to do it again because you want the endorphin high or is it something else?"  Justin hoped Brian would be truthful when answering the question but knew this was a topic that needed exploring.

Brian pushed the salad with his fork, looking intently at the bowl in front of him.  "Can it be both?  I mean, I've been getting off with the help of my right hand for months and while it took the edge off, the orgasmic high that Cleo talked about was definitely lacking.  Sure it felt good, but sex the other night was more than good."  Brian answered, surprised that he was having this in-depth conversation about sex and endorphins at 1:30 in the afternoon in a diner.  He was actually surprised that he was having it at all.  After all, talking about sex was not what he wanted.  He was all about doing and not talking.  

"I'd say the sex the other night was more than getting off.  Sure, I got off, but I used to get off 3, sometimes 4 times a day and the orgasmic high only lasted a few minutes.  I constantly sought the high from sex, whether it was having a blow job, penetration, or a quick hand job at Woody's.  The object was to get off.  I think that since I'm not running to Woody's or Babylon to get my dick sucked, it's more than just the endorphin high."  Brian explained his thought process.  He'd spent some time the night before writing in his journal trying to figure this out and that was what he'd settled on.  He didn't expect to have the conversation with Justin, but then again, he'd had many conversations with Justin that he would have never dreamed he would have with anyone.  Looking at Justin he added, "I think that seeking the endorphin high is specific to sex with you.  Now that I think about it, the idea of getting off with a random stranger still holds some appeal, but I'd rather do it with you."

Justin listened and nodded as Brian spoke.  He allowed him to finish before he added more to the conversation.  "So you think that the sex we had the other night was more than just getting off?"

"Yeah.  Talking about sex and whether I want it to get off or something else is all good and wonderful, but it still doesn't solve the problem of us actually doing it.  I don't think going around with a perpetual case of blue balls is going to add anything to our relationship.  There has to be a better solution,"  Brian said.

"We could skip lunch and just have sex,"  Justin teased, but added, "however, that isn't going to work.  I don't work well on an empty stomach." 

The waitress came by their table and they stopped their discussion long enough for her to ask if they wanted anything else.  They both said no and she poured them both some water.  

"What about just skipping a meeting once a week and having sex instead?" Brian offered.

"That could work but then sex is scheduled and I don't want to feel obligated to have sex just because it is our date night,"  Justin countered. He ate a few french fries and drank some water, giving himself some time to think.  "If our relationship is only about sex, then I think we don't need to even worry about where, when, or how that is going to occur.  I can hook up with guys any time, but I thought we were more than two guys hooking up."  Justin felt a cold chill surging through his body.  He was happy where their relationship was heading and he hoped that enjoying mutual blow jobs last night had not derailed it.   He hadn't thought that asking Brian for a lunch date would end up so volatile and with the possibility that they would end their 3-month exploration so soon.

Brian felt like he'd been doused with cold water and felt a chill across his body. He heard Justin's change in voice and alarms went off in his head.  He said,  "I don't want that.  I'm sorry I even brought up the topic." Brian reached out his hand to lay it on top of Justin's hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

"I don't want it either, but .... Our relationship can't be about sex,"  Justin said.  There was so much more he wanted to add, but he felt like Brian was already on the defensive.

"Look, why don't we start the conversation over?  I enjoyed Friday night and look forward to going on more dates with you.  I think we'll have to get creative about dating since our free time is so limited,"  Brian said, trying to summarize his earlier thoughts minus the sex talk.

"Brian, you can't just take back the whole conversation about sex.  It's the pink elephant in the room. We can start over, but we have to include that topic too,"  Justin said, reminding Brian that it was still something they needed to figure out.

"What do you want me to say, Justin?  I like sex and I like sex with you.  I'd rather have sex with you than some random stranger and I'm not sure how that will figure into our lives since we both have jobs, attend meetings every night and I have Gus every weekend,"  Brian said, making his statements short and succinct.  

"Okay, that's a good start. I don't think we need to have a plan or figure it out.  After all, there are a lot of people who have busy lives and make a go of their relationships.  I just want you to be sure that you are not dating me so you can have sex or seek the endorphins that go with sex,"  Justin said, clarifying his stand on the topic.

Brian thought for a moment and let their conversation mull in his mind.  He and Cleo had talked about Brian's need for control and knowing what was expected and while he really did want to have a firm plan, he realized that Justin did not.   " I guess I can try and work without a plan, but you know I don't like not knowing what is coming.  Either way, having sex was a really nice addition.  I get where Cleo is coming from and he's probably right about my sex addiction, but right now the only person I want to have sex with is you so I guess there is that,"  Brian finished the last of his salad and waved the waitress over for the bill.

Justin pulled his hand out from under Brian's hand and squeezed it tightly.  "Me too.  I liked the sex part as well, but hopefully, there is more to  our relationship than sex."

"Yes, there is, " Brian said, trying to reassure Justin and hoping that his eagerness had not ruined their relationship.  "I want to continue our relationship, but I guess my endorphins got the best of me."  

"I get it, endorphins are nature's way of making us feel good, and who doesn't like to feel good?"  He glanced over at the clock above the door.  "However,  I have some work I need to finish before I come to the meeting tonight and I assume, that you didn't actually plan on spending the entire afternoon in one of our beds, despite your expressed interest in said activity."  

Brian grinned and said, "You're right.  I have a 2:30 appointment and while I would like nothing more than to take you back to my loft or head to your apartment for an afternoon of sex and loads of endorphins, I do have a business to run.  I guess my cock got the better of me.  It missed the endorphins." Brian licked his lips, unconsciously as he remembered the excellent blow job from the previous night.

Justin leaned over to give Brian a quick kiss.  I'll see you tonight.  I might be late as I have a late afternoon appointment, but I should be able to make it."  Justin grabbed both of their bills.

"Remember, I asked you so I have to pay,"  he said with a huge grin on his face.

Brian waved his hand at Justin and pushed his bill toward him. " By all means. See you tonight."

Each man went back to work thinking about their lunch and continuing their relationship

After their meeting that evening, they went to Brian's loft to cook dinner. 

"With the way your stomach is growling, I would ask if you skipped lunch, but I know you ate.  I watched you chow down on that huge ass hamburger and fries at the diner," Brian teased as he grabbed the fish from the fridge.  "You mentioned that Whole Foods had Red Snapper on sale and it had been a while since you had any.  I took the liberty of picking up some yesterday on my way home from my meeting.  There is a Whole Foods around the corner and while I did my shopping, they even cooked it up for me. All we need to do is heat it up and make something to go with it.  We can make some cilantro rice and have some roasted vegetables to go with it or we could just go for a salad,"  Brian explained as got out the pan to place the fish into.  

"I'm really hungry so why don't we go with a quick salad while the fish reheats?  Thanks for picking the fish up.  I really do love it.  How did they cook it?" Justin asked as he turned on the oven to reheat the fish.

"They seared it.  It's amazing to me that a grocery will cook your food for you while you shop.  It's like take out but better since you kill two birds with one stone,"  Brian said as he got out the makings for a salad.

"Fish is a quick-cooking food and really healthy for you.  Maybe it is the grocery stores that are conspiring to make us all healthier. After all, people will be more likely to do things that are free.  As a marketing expert you should know that if you offer someone a deal to buy one get one free or 25% off or some other enticement, they are more likely to buy the product,"  Justin said, adding in his PSA for good measure.

"True.  Companies do sell more items when they offer a discount on the second one. That is why companies like Groupon do so well.  If I know that I'm getting something at a discount, I'm more likely to buy more at the store than if I had to pay full price,'  Brian agreed as he got out the salad bowls and utensils.

"Still, I'm going to go grocery shopping regardless if they cook my fish or not," Brian commented.  

"True, but would you have chosen that store if they didn't cook your fish.  There are lots of grocery stores.  You could have chosen to shop at a different one that didn't cook your fish,"  Justin said as he began placing the spring mix in the bowls.  He grabbed a tomato from the counter, a knife from the knife block, and the cutting board to cut the tomatoes into wedges for their salad.  "I can't wait until the farmer's markets open.  I just love the taste of fresh vegetables." 

"I only go to the best groceries so I wouldn't know if the other stores offer fish cooking, but I was impressed with the multitude of offerings for cooking.  They had at least 5 spice combinations or you could choose your own.  I guess it would be too much to ask that they cook up a chicken or beef dish,"  Brian said.

"That would put restaurants at a distinct disadvantage and besides would you really want to shop for an hour or more while your chicken is cooking?  Groceries do offer a variety of pre-cooked foods that you can pick up and heat up at home. If you go to the deli section, they have prepackaged salads, chicken, lasagna, sides... all kinds of food.  You would never have to cook if you didn't want to. The stuff in the deli is usually pretty good and you can find some healthier options,"  Justin said, acknowledging Brian's penchant for healthy eating.  He sometimes questioned Brian's purported rules for eating since he used to drink most of his calories, but this was not an intervention to get Brian to make healthier choices.  Instead, he provided another PSA in the form of letting Brian know about food options at the supermarket.  "I'm surprised that you haven't picked food up from the deli area, especially since you didn't really cook before you stopped drinking."  Justin placed the salads on the table and grabbed the silverware placing them on the table as well.

Brian took the fish out of the microwave and placed the hot pan on the stovetop.  He took down two plates and divided the fish into equal portions.  "Let's eat.  I bet my neighbors can hear that rumbling coming from your stomach," he teased. 

Brian took a bite of the fish and said, "This is really good.  I'll have to try a different kind next time and see if it is as good. But in answer to your earlier question, before I got sober, almost all my meals were eaten at the diner.  When I asked Emmett to hang out with Gus on Saturdays and to teach him how to cook, I had to give him by Black card to outfit the kitchen.  Spending time cooking was just time wasted that I could have been drinking or fucking. 

Until we started cooking together, I really hadn't thought about preparing anything beyond a guava shake for breakfast.  If you had opened my fridge before I got sober, you would have found some guava juice, some poppers, and possibly some leftover Thai. I take my earlier statement back.  If I wasn't eating at the diner, I ordered take-out.  I still have a full drawer of menus over there,"  Brian said as he pointed to the drawer by the fridge.  

"Again, much easier to order take-out while I was enjoying an after-work drink or getting my dick sucked than to consider grocery shopping, looking at recipes, and then actually cooking food. If you hadn't suggested we start cooking our meals together, I probably would have been fine with eating out." 

Justin bristled a little at Brian's briskness but knew it was one of his defense mechanisms.  He also accepted that Brian was not the same man today as he had been when he was drinking.  He remembered telling Brian that he would not hold Brian's past transgressions or behavior from when was drinking as he was a different person today than he was at that time.  Instead, he tried to keep the conversation on the lighter side and asked, "Didn't you miss home-cooked meals?" thinking about all the different dishes his mom used to make.  

Brian sneered before answering.  "Home-cooked meals consisted of whatever I could find in the fridge or pantry.  When my mom was sober enough to even go to the grocery store, she picked up food that didn't need cooking.  I ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly, American cheese, hot dogs, and tuna fish when I was a kid.  School lunches were as close to a home-cooked meal as I got." He took a bite of his salad and drank some water.

"I'm sorry,"  Justin said, feeling a wash of sadness that Brian had to scrounge for himself during his childhood.  "That's really sad that your mom didn't cook for you and that you had to find your own food."  While Justin was somewhat estranged from his mother due to her siding with his father when his father kicked him out due to his sexuality, he did remember feeling that he was important when he was a young child. 

"What about your Dad?  Didn't he see that your mom wasn't there to cook?"  Justin asked, curious about Brian's family and finding the segway too easy to ignore. 

Brian gave a perfunctory pfft to Justin's question and explained, "Dad would stop off to have a few with the ‘boys' before he came home from the factory every night."  Brian put the word boys in air quotes. 

"Usually, he was already on his way to being plastered before he walked into the house.  He'd walk in, mom would hand him a sandwich and a beer and leave him to fall asleep watching tv every night.  On Saturdays, he would go down to the union hall or to the local pub to hang out with his buddies and on Sunday when she was at church, he would just sleep most of the day.  I guess for him Sunday was his body's day off from his drinking.  The most interaction he had with us was to get mad at some imaginary discretion, and then take out his frustration on me.  He usually didn't hit my sister, but sometimes he would hit my mom."  

"That's terrible,"  Justin wanted to say so much more but waited to see if Brian continued.

"They're the reason I didn't have a relationship with Gus for a long time. I didn't want to turn into my old man, drunk and hitting my kid.  I kept my interactions with Gus to only a few times a month, feeling that I could manage to not drink for those short periods of time.  Like I said, it was a huge wake-up call when I wrapped my car around the tree just after leaving Gus with Lindsay.  I'd gotten to enjoy spending time with him and realized that there was a whole part of his life that I was missing because I was drinking.  After being able to maintain my sobriety for a few weeks, I started asking Lindsay to see Gus more often and then,  well you know the rest of the story,"  Brian said, taking another bite of his fish. 

 "Have you ever had the grocery cook your fish?"  Brian asked, hoping to change the subject.

" A few times, especially if I'm in a hurry and really hungry.  I'll grab some premade food from the deli and take it home,"  Justin said, recognizing Brian's tactics.  However, he wasn't quite ready to change topics.

"Thank you for sharing.  It seems like a hard topic for you.  On the other hand, I want you to know that we've been talking for at least an hour and a half and learning about each other.  See, this is what dating is all about.  It doesn't have to be a formal negotiation where one of us asks a question and the other answers it like we are on the witness stand.  It's just the ebb and flow as we talk about our lives and sometimes our past."

Brian smiled.  "I guess this dating thing isn't so bad, but I gotta ask, does that mean we  can make out now?"  Brian's grin was mischievous like a child who got an ‘A" on his test and wanted a reward.

Justin looked at the clock on the microwave and shook his head.  "Sorry, no can do.  I've got an early meeting with the gallery owner tomorrow and I do not like mornings.  I really need to be as awake as possible as we will be discussing the final details of the show next week."  Justin took his salad bowl and plate to the kitchen, scraped the remnants into the disposal, and then placed them in the dishwasher.  "Speaking of the show, have you talked to Molly about details?  I know you said something about bringing Gus and Emmett, but I wasn't sure."

"I'm not sure when Emmett plans on coming, but I don't think an opening is the right time for Gus to see your work.  I don't want him interrupting you when you need to talk to your patrons.  Besides, if I know Gus he will want him to be able to ask you questions and really look at the paintings. We had talked about bringing him during the day when there are fewer people and we won't be taking you away from your public."  Brian grabbed his plate and bowl and followed Justin into the kitchen, scraping his food scraps into the disposal and also putting his dishes in the dishwasher. 

 "I haven't talked to Molly.  I'll call her tomorrow and ask Emmett when he plans on attending,"  Brian said as he walked over to Justin who was putting the pan in the sink.  He turned him around and bent his head to kiss him on the lips.

Justin placed his arms around Brian's neck pulling their bodies close as they enjoyed a deep kiss.  Reluctantly after a few moments, Justin pulled back.  

"I'd love to stay, but I have to leave."

Brian nodded and grinned a little sheepishly.  "I know.  I just couldn't resist a little kiss.  Thanks for the second date.  Is it my turn next time or is there some special order for these things,"  Brian said tongue in cheek.

Justin walked toward the door and said, "While there is no special order about dating, some people feel that they have rules to guide them.  I don't have time to go into them tonight, but maybe tomorrow, we can talk about them."  Justin looked at Brian as he rolled his eyes.  "I know, more talking, but you must admit tonight was fun, even without the make-out session.  It was two people who enjoy each other's company sharing a meal and conversation.  Didn't you like it?"

"Sure, A man's gotta eat,"  Brian teased but added when he saw Justin shaking his head.  "Yes, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed our earlier lunch too.  You know me, I like to plan but I'm working on spontaneity or at least living without too much control."

Justin smiled widely and gave Brian a hug and kissed him quickly on the cheek.  "I'll see you tomorrow night.  Have a great day."  He opened the door and Brian watched him get on the elevator.

He went into the kitchen and cleaned the pan, wiped the counters, and made sure everything was put away.  He still had a lot of energy and decided that he should write in his journal.  Taking out his special pen and the journal, he sat at his desk and wrote.

Today I saw Justin twice; he asked me to lunch and then we attended our AA meeting and had dinner.  I was really excited about eating lunch with him and half hoped that would mean that we would spend a little time making out and enjoying a quick hand or blow job, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we talked about sex.  Yeah, sounds boring and it was not nearly as fun as doing it, but I'm beginning to see that talking has its place.  We discussed endorphins of all things.  I haven't thought of that shit since high school biology and I'm pretty certain that a discussion about how drinking and sex both dump endorphins into your body was definitely not in the lesson plan.

Maybe it should be?  If kids were taught about this stuff, it might result in less drug and alcohol addiction and teen pregnancy. But I'm not here to espouse what kids should be taught, although I think that I should make sure that Gus understands this shit.  I don't want him getting some girl pregnant or ending up being an alcoholic like me.  Although if he was gay, that would be great too.  I've learned enough through AA that I know if your parent is an alcoholic you have a much higher risk of becoming one too. I'm sure Lindsay will love it when she learns that I'm teaching safe sex practices to Gus and educating him on alcohol and drug abuse.  But parents need to take an interest in their kids' lives.  I wonder if my parents had taken even the slightest interest in me if I'd turned out differently.  Water under the bridge, or whiskey as it were.  I can't regret what I can't change.  

Cleo called me on my no apologies, no regrets policies and I'm beginning to see that there is merit in apologies; however, you can't change regret. The only thing you can do with regret is to learn not to do the same shit over again.  I'd have to really go way back to figure out if I regret shit but I can honestly say that I do regret not being more involved in Gus' life.  I'm making sure that I am upfront and present where my kid comes into play and I can't imagine that changing.  

Anyway. I got to see Justin twice today and I guess I could say that we went on two dates.  He pointed out to me that our dinner tonight really didn't touch on anything to do with our meeting and was just two people who liked each other getting together and sharing their lives.  I can honestly say that I was disappointed that we didn't get to make out but maybe it will make me appreciate the times that we do make out.  I want to keep Cleo's warning to heart and be sure that I'm not exchanging one addiction for another.  I think that I'm not because I'm not going out and seeking anonymous sex but waiting not so patiently for Justin.  I sound like a love-sick teenager. Does he like me or does he not and will we do shit today or am I going to have to wait.  I'm beginning to understand what all that teen angst is about.  

Tonight I got my 9-month chip at the meeting.  All the members of the group congratulated me and of course, Justin gave me a hug. But I got a lot of hugs from other members too.  I guess alcoholics like to hug.  Anyway, I kind of half-expected us to talk about my 9 month anniversary tonight, but it didn't even come up.  I'm glad that it didn't come up in conversation with Justin.  It just shows me that he has truly stepped away from the role of my sponsor.  It's too late to call Cleo, but I'll talk to him tomorrow.  I want to share with him my thoughts about my chip.  I think he'd be proud of me.  

Pride. What a weird feeling.  I don't think anyone has ever been proud of me. Sure, I've gotten awards for my work in advertising and I've gotten promotions, but proud of me as a person?  When I was drinking I pretended not to care what others thought about me and hid all my feelings and uncertainties in a bottle.  I've learned that much from AA.  After 9 months I'm pretty good at being able to look at myself and see how I used to view the world versus how I view it now.  I can also see that I was most likely wary of feelings and ran from them.  Pride is a new word in my vocabulary as it relates to me. I've told Gus a hundred times that I'm proud of him but I don't think I've ever admitted to being proud of myself.  I honestly am proud of myself.  I've come a long way from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree and went to an AA meeting.  Life is looking pretty good right now.  

Brian put down his special pen and reread his thoughts.  He was always amazed at what he came up with when he was writing and his last paragraph really made him happy.  "I am proud of my life," he said out loud.  He put away the journal, and his pen, and locked up the loft for the night.  He was excited to see what the next months would bring.

TBC