Despite their parting words the night before, Brian and Justin did not see each other for the next few days. Brian had an emergency at work, having to reschedule an entire photo shoot due to the venue closing down after a water main break while Justin had to finish several paintings for his upcoming show. His agent had decided that he needed two more paintings so he had to scramble and complete the two that he had started. He was glad he usually had something he was working on, but he really didn't like to be pushed into producing on demand.
Brian had called him the first night and told him he couldn't make the meeting and the second night it was Justin's turn to back out of their meeting. On Friday, Brian usually attended the AA meeting in the afternoon since he had to pick up Gus. When Justin had texted him the night before to apologize for not making the meeting, he'd been disappointed but understood that sometimes there were more pressing things than an AA meeting and eating dinner with Brian. Brian had gone to their regular Thursday meeting, feeling like something was missing from the experience. He admitted that he'd gotten really used to having Justin by his side, even though he was no longer his sponsor and he missed his presence.
Friday morning Ted popped into Brian's office and asked if he and Justin were going on another date.
"Not that I know of. We had a great time at lunch the other day and our dinner after our AA meeting that night was really enjoyable, but I haven't seen him since Tuesday. I guess we're paying for being together twice in one day by not seeing each other since. I had that photo shoot fuck up and he had work stuff the last couple of days. I usually don't see him on Fridays since I pick up Gus and attend a meeting at lunchtime since it's not really very convenient for him to drop everything in the middle of the afternoon to attend a meeting. I usually don't see him until Saturday," Brian said, providing an in-depth explanation of his get-togethers with Justin. He picked up his coffee mug and finished the last bit of coffee. Putting it down, he looked at Ted and added, "I've gotten really used to having him around and I miss him. I keep thinking about everyday things that I do and think oh, Justin would get a kick out of this, or I wonder what Justin would think about this article. Do you do that?"
Ted smiled and nodded his head. "Sure I do. I like checking in with Blake, even if it is just to share a news story that I thought he might like. It's part of being in a relationship. You start thinking about the other person, instead of only yourself." Ted turned around to go back to his office, but added, "I'm glad to see you and Justin are doing okay."
Brian listened to Ted's comment and nodded his head in agreement. ‘Yeah, we are doing okay.' He realized he had not reached out to Molly about next week's opening and looked up the number to call.
"Beros Law Firm. Molly speaking. How may I direct your call?" Molly said as she answered the call.
"Hi, Molly. It's Brian Kinney. I keep forgetting to call but I just wanted to make sure that you would like an escort to Justin's show next week? We could do dinner beforehand," Brian said, getting to the point quickly. He knew she was at work, but did not have her cell phone number and didn't want to take too much of her time.
"Oh, Hi, Brian. That sounds good. Justin told me you'd be calling and I guess I just assumed we would be going together. Here's my number and you can call me after 6:00 tonight so we can plan the particulars." Molly said as she rattled off her phone number.
"Okay. I'll call you tonight. Bye," Brian said and hung up the phone. He put an alarm on his phone to remember to call Molly and went to work. He only had a few hours before he had to leave for his meeting and then he wouldn't have a lot of time when he returned before he had to pick up Gus.
On his way to his meeting, he thought about all the changes in his life since he'd quit drinking. He was still somewhat amazed that he actually liked his current life and looked forward to spending time with Gus and Justin. He'd always enjoyed spending time with Gus but sometimes he felt that he had no idea what he was supposed to do with him. Now, he felt confident in his interactions. Now, his biggest challenge was to feel confident with dating. He liked Justin and was becoming quite fond of him, but he still struggled with what he was supposed to do when it came to dating. Of course, their mutual blow jobs last weekend frequently made him smile as he remembered the unbridled lust and satisfaction.
He walked into the meeting and was greeted by several people who regularly attended. As at all meetings, the leader called the individuals to start as she was mindful of everyone's time.
"My name is Sheila and I am an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for 10 years, but I'm still an alcoholic. I just don't drink anymore. Before we get started, welcome to the Nooner Club. If this is anyone's first meeting, welcome. There is a meeting in the next room for people who are just starting their journey, but you are welcome to stay here. I want to add that everything said in this room is anonymous, hence the title of the meeting Alcoholics Anonymous. Feel free to provide your first name if you want, but it is not necessary. However, it is helpful if the group has something to call you. Hey you, seems a little too anonymous." At that last statement, a few people in the group laughed and nodded their heads in agreement. Sheila looked around the small circle of 12 people and nodded at a few of them, visually ensuring that she had the attention of the group.
"Today I want to talk about serenity. By nature, the lives of alcoholics are chaotic. We have made everything in our lives around finding that next drink. We think about our next drink, count down the minutes till we can grab that drink, and even when we do start to drink, we wait while our bodies absorb the drink until we don't have to feel anymore."
"That's pretty accurate, but it sounds so cynical. I'm Lila by the way," said a woman who appeared to be in her early 40s and was dressed in business casual blue pants with a floral top.
"I'm not trying to be cynical, just honest. Just a voice vote, does anyone disagree with my statement?" Sheila asked.
A chorus of "Nos" was heard in the small meeting room.
"Okay. So let's move forward. We all agree that alcohol was the center of our lives but now we are working on our sobriety. We are often tormented, regretting what we allowed alcohol to do to our lives, and wanting to live a better life. We need to move from regret to peace and serenity." Sheila stopped talking, allowing her words to sink in for a few moments before continuing. She found that the mark of a good leader lay in allowing her audience to digest her message in small doses. She'd had many participants comment on her leadership throughout the years and had lost count of the number of people she had sponsored.
"Serenity is one important key to maintaining sobriety. Sure, we have to learn new coping mechanisms, understand and recognize our triggers as well as try to avoid those triggers when we can. But the reality is we have to learn to regulate our thoughts and feelings. We need to handle the ups and downs of life," Sheila stopped again. She hoped that someone in the group would speak up and share their thoughts. She'd learned a good leader did not monopolize the meeting, but started the conversation and intervened when needed.
"I'm Jose and I've been sober for 3 years now. In the beginning, all I could think about was how I had screwed up my life. My partner had left me and I'd been fired from a job I was pretty good at. It took me about 6 months of sobriety to learn to appreciate my life as a sober person. At first, I didn't see anything I was good at, just the negatives. Now, I've learned how to handle crap that is thrown at me."
Brian didn't often speak but he wanted to share. "On the way over here today I was just thinking that I really liked my life. I feel confident that I can handle the good and the bad without turning to liquor. My sponsors.... Yeah I've had two, but that is another story. My sponsors have taught me to recognize my feelings and some great coping mechanisms. Unfortunately, I've had to use them but they work and that is what is amazing."
Sheila nodded and said, "Why do you say, unfortunately, Brian?"
"I said unfortunately because I hoped that my family would accept the changes in my life without throwing back my previous behavior," Brian said, explaining his statement.
"That is unfortunate that they don't accept your changes, but I think you are missing the positive here. You are using your strategies to handle your disappointment. You're not turning to alcohol like you did in the past. I encourage you to think about your first statement regarding your confidence in handling your life, rather than the disappointment you feel in your family," Sheila said, hoping to help Brian see that he was successful despite his family's actions.
"I'm Carrie," said a woman who sat next to Brian. He recognized her as she often attended this meeting. "Serenity is the ability to be calm and accept life's ups and downs. It sounds like you are practicing serenity, but you are still feeling like you should have an impact on how your family acts. Remember, our brains interpret actions. Your family may say things like you always do this or you'll never change, but it is up to you and your brain whether to believe the statement is true."
"Right," said Sheila. "It is everyone's choice to interpret actions. Actions by themselves are neither good nor bad."
"So.... Just by not reacting to my family's expectations, I'm taking charge of my life," Brian said, an aha moment clicking in his head. "I feel that my life is pretty good right now, despite what my family says. My challenge is to keep things positive. Is that the serenity thing you're talking about?"
There were nods from several other people in the group and a young man spoke up. "Hi, I'm Alvin. Sobriety is about making conscious choices every day. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not confronted by my feelings, whether I judge them to be good or bad ones. I've learned that I can't put my feelings into little piles of good or bad. It's all about how I choose to react." Alvin pointed to the coffee cup he held in his hand. "This is the coffee that AA brews for the meetings in this room. The coffee is neither bad nor good, but I choose to decide if it is bad or good. I know that seems rather simplified, but my taste in coffee determines what I feel about it. You may find it great and another person may find it horrible, but you both are interpreting your taste."
Several people looked at the cup of coffee they held in their hand, brought it up to their faces, and smelled it. Brian watched in fascination as some people grimaced and others smiled and chose to take a sip.
Alvin watched the people in the group and nodded his head acknowledging that his message had been received.
"Serenity is a state of being. It's a person's ability to accept that there are ups and downs in life and that each of us has the ability to handle what life throws at us. It's not about pushing aside the uncomfortable or bad things, but handling our lives in a manner that we can feel like we have control. We no longer allow alcohol and its pull to steer our lives," Sheila said, trying to sum up the conversation.
"I guess it really isn't all that cynical when you put it that way, Sheila. Alcohol used to be the driver of our lives and now we are in the driver's seat." Lila said, reinterpreting her earlier statement.
"Right, Lila. Serenity is about feeling in control. That's all the time we have for today. If you would like to talk a little more about this idea, I will be at the coffee table for about 15 minutes. Otherwise, I'll see you next week. Have a great week," Sheila said as she stood up and started walking toward the coffee table.
Brian sat there for a few moments, thinking about the meeting and as usual wondering how he always managed to feel that the topic discussed was exactly what he needed at that time. He wished he had his journal with him as he wanted to remember his thoughts about the meeting. He took out his phone and made a couple of notes and knew he would spend some time tonight after Gus went to bed to write in his journal. It's been a few days and he was surprised that he actually missed it. He didn't have time to contemplate his thoughts as he needed to get back to the office. He stopped by the coffee table and tapped Sheila on the shoulder.
"Thank you for the group today. It was very enlightening," Brian shook her hand and walked out of the building toward his car, driving back to Kinnetic.
Brian finished up a few small projects when he returned and packed his briefcase with two files that he hoped to review before the weekend was over. When he arrived at Gus' school he got into the carpool line and texted Justin.
"Hi. Missed you these last few days. Are you still joining us tomorrow? Don't know what we're doing."
Justin's phone dinged with the notification that he had a text. He was adding the last touches to his last painting for the show, so he did not respond, but made a mental note to look at his phone when he was finished. After he finished the piece, he received a phone call from his agent about a problem with the shipping and he had to attend to it immediately, thus forgetting about looking at his text messages on his phone.
Brian had expected a quick reply and when he didn't receive one, he was concerned that Justin was blowing him off. In the past, he had been the one who would have sex with a guy and then not be interested in connecting again and he didn't like the feeling. It had been over a week since they made out after their date, but then Justin had refused to do anything sexual except for a quick kiss since their date. He started to question if he had moved too fast or was Justin not interested in him. He had seemed to enjoy their date and he was the one who suggested making out while Gus was in the shower, but ever since then, he had turned down any other advances. Brian wasn't used to being turned down for sex. Maybe, in the 9-month interim, since he'd had sex, he'd lost his touch. He didn't think that was the case, so maybe Justin had decided that their date didn't work out and that he wasn't interested. But then Brian remembered Justin had asked him out the following week. Still, Justin usually responded to his text pretty quickly and he was uneasy. Maybe he didn't have work things to do and was really using it as an excuse to ghost me.
Brian made it to the front of the line and Gus got into the car, throwing his backpack in the backseat.
"Hey, Dad. I'm so glad it's Friday. Are we headed to the store to buy food for the weekend? Before we go, could we stop at Target so I could pick up some poster board and markers? I have to make a poster for a presentation next week. It's due on Tuesday but I have soccer practice Monday night and ..."
Brian stopped Gus mid-sentence. "Gus, you don't have to explain the need for every purchase. I told you I will buy what you need and I assume, you need stuff from Target," Brian said, a little snip in his tone.
Gus nodded, but Brian was driving and couldn't see his head. He said, starting the conversation over again. "I need to go to Target, can we go now before we hit the grocery store?"
Brian smiled, wishing that every difficult conversation he had was so easily remedied. "Sure. Is there anywhere else you need to go?"
Gus thought for a moment and responded. "Actually, Dad. I think I need new soccer cleats and could we pick up some art supplies? I'd like to start practicing before my summer art program starts. It's only a few weeks away."
"Sure," Brian said as he changed directions, heading toward Target. "We'll hit Target first and then head over to Dick's Sporting Goods for the cleats, the stores are pretty close together. The art store is in the other direction and I don't know what time it closes but why don't you look that up on your phone while I'm driving." Thinking of the art store made Brian think about Justin and wondered why he had not heard from him. He knew Gus would be more than disappointed if Justin decided that he didn't want to hang out with them anymore. Maybe Lindsay was right when she had discouraged Brian from bringing Justin into Gus' life.
They parked the car at Target and Brian cringed slightly. He enjoyed shopping for clothes and furniture, but shopping for everyday items that a person would find at Target was not enjoyable. He ordered things like shampoo and toiletries from high-end lines and since he had a cleaning service, he didn't need to worry about purchasing any supplies in that area. He sent out his clothes for dry-cleaning and his housekeeping service took care of his sheets and towels. He did know how to use his washer and dryer but rarely did so. There was nothing that he could envision ever needing at Target and the idea that he was voluntarily walking into the store to "shop" made him cringe.
"Do you know where the poster board and markers are, Gus?" Brian said, looking around, trying to determine where to go. He could feel his skin crawl due to the number of people in the store.
"Yeah. It's in that section over there." Gus pointed down a central aisle that had greeting cards on one side and cleaning products on the other.
Brian waved his hand, giving Gus permission to head in that direction as Brian followed. He was relieved to find that the store did not smell like the Big Q and the merchandise was orderly. The displays were eye-catching as were the advertisements for the different products. He was thankful that Gus had not suggested the Big Q for his purchases as he would not have voluntarily gone into that store.
Gus turned left into an aisle that had half the display space filled with pens, pencils, and markers. Gus looked at the display space, looking for the markers he wanted.
After a few moments, Brian asked, "What are you looking for?" hoping to get the items quickly.
"I need a big piece of blue cardboard and a piece of white cardboard. I also need some fine tip and some big tip markers. I might need some scissors, glue, and..." Gus said, as he scrunched his face trying to remember all the items he had thought he needed.
"Stop. Gus, why don't we start with what you are trying to make and then work from there," Brian said, hoping to move the process along.
"But I thought you didn't want the whole story, just that I needed to go to Target?" Gus said, a little confused.
Brian nodded and said, "I was wrong. I guess that knowing what the assignment is will make a difference. So why don't you tell me what you are trying to make so we can buy the correct supplies? Target may not be the place to get what you need."
Gus smiled, realizing that his Dad wasn't mad and really wanted to help. He had been a little taken aback at his rough response earlier but was happy that he had backtracked on his statement. "We're studying the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expedition. Our assignment is to show its importance. I thought I would draw a map of the Lewis and Clark expedition. You know, use blue for the Mississippi and then maybe brown for the mountains. I don't know. Maybe that was a dumb idea."
"Weren't you just studying about Fort Pitt? The Louisiana Purchase was in the early 1800s. That is a big jump in time." Brian said, sharing his knowledge of history.
Gus was impressed. "That's cool Dad. I mean... I know you said you like history but.."
"Gus, history is important to understand how things came to be the way they are. Those who do not understand history are bound to repeat the mistakes of others. Anyway, back to your assignment. Your teacher was pretty vague. You are supposed to do something with the Louisiana Purchase?" he asked.
"Yeah. We get to choose and she gave us a lot of choices. She said we could write a newspaper article talking about the findings of the exhibition or make a journal pretending we were one of the people on the expedition. We can make a map of the expedition. We can make miniature boat like the ones they used to go down the Mississippi. It's pretty open. We just have to research what we are presenting. We can write it, draw it or even act it out. Since I like art, I thought I'd make a map of the expedition, but I wanted to make it raised. You know, like 3-D or something."
"Got it. So you want to make a raised map. How big do you want it to be? I mean are you going to put it all on one board or use several? And if you make it raised, how are you going to do that? Do you want to make it out of clay or paper? How much time do you want to spend on the project? Did your teacher say how things are going to be graded? That might make a difference in how you do things."
Gus looked at his father and shrugged. "I hadn't thought about any of those things. Well, I did like the idea of making a map. Since we have the weekend and one more day to do the project, I don't think she expects it to be something really big, so maybe a 3-D map might be overkill. It just sounded like fun to make a map of their journey."
"Gus, a good grade isn't the only thing that you should consider. If you want to put a lot of time into the project, there is nothing that says you can't. I find that doing something I enjoy, no matter how much time is involved, is almost always worth it. Think of your bed. While I had not done a lot of construction, I knew you wanted the bed and I figured I could put it together. Now, every time you stay over and I go into your room and look at your bed, I feel really proud that Justin and I put it together." Brian didn't add that every time he saw the bed, he thought of that fateful kiss that Justin had bestowed on him that was life-changing.
Gus looked at his father with surprise. "You mean you had never put furniture together before you put my bed together? That is so cool. I mean, I know it probably took a lot of work and I really do appreciate it. The bed is awesome and I really like that Justin painted the mural too. Speaking of Justin, is he going to come over tomorrow? Maybe instead of going somewhere, he could help me with my project."
Brian's eyes got wide, like a deer in headlights. He hadn't talked to Justin since earlier in the week and he hadn't felt his phone vibrate telling him he had a text message. He pulled out his phone, looking at his messages to verify that Justin had not returned his earlier text. The text box was still empty and he noticed that it had been several hours since he texted Justin. His mind returned to his earlier thoughts and doubts regarding Justin and whether he was ghosting him. He didn't want to say anything to Gus, knowing that Gus would be sad, hurt, and filled with questions if Justin wasn't around anymore. Brian thought fast.
"I don't know. He's got his show next week so he may be busy," Brian said truthfully. He always believed in the motto that you should tell at least some of the truth as it would come across better than out and out lying.
"Just text him, Dad. I know you have his number," Gus said, surprised that his Dad didn't do that right after he asked. He wondered if they had a fight or if something happened. He hoped not since he really liked Justin.
Brian scrolled down his phone until he found Justin's number and hesitated, not sure what to say. He looked at the phone for a few moments. He felt like a middle schooler who was afraid to pick up the phone and call their latest crush. Not that he had ever had any notions about having a crush nor did he feel the need to keep tabs on anyone in middle or high school. In college, it was Lindsay who frequently called him to find out what he was up to rather than the other way around. Justin had already ignored one text message and he was torn about whether he should reach out again.
Gus couldn't figure out what his father's problem was so took the phone and said, "You're acting like the guys in my class when they like a girl but aren't sure what to say. Jeez Dad. I would think you were too old to be shy. Give me the phone and I'll text him." Gus held out his hand and Brian placed the phone in his hand. Hi Justin. This is Gus, using Dad's phone. I was wondering if you were going to come over this weekend. I've got this cool project for Social Studies and was wondering if you would help me? Gus read the text out loud and then hit send, giving the phone back to Brian.
"He might be busy and not answer," Brian said, trying to rationalize his fears and at the same time not worry Gus if Justin didn't answer right away.
"He's got a life, Dad. I'm sure he'll answer before I go to bed and if not, well he usually shows up around 10:00. Since we'll be working on my project, it won't be a big deal if he doesn't answer tonight," Gus said with the certainty that only a 10-years old has.
"Okay, back to this project. We still have to narrow down what you're going to do and the supplies you need. Keep in mind, how you're going to get it from my house to your house and then to school. It's got to be pretty steady to withstand all that travel," Brian said, reminding him of their original purpose in stopping at Target.
"I've been thinking about that. I think I can make the outline of the trail on posterboard or maybe on cardboard and then build things to place on the cardboard when I get to school. I'd put the buildings and trees and stuff in a big shoe box. I know, I can build a campsite and show what it would have looked like when they were on the trail. I could have the trail on a piece of cardboard and then set up the site as it would have looked when they started out in St. Louis." Gus thought for a few more seconds and said, "or, I could draw the map of the journey, and show different animals that they found and where they found them. Or, I could just show the trail with some important stops along the way."
Brian loved Gus' enthusiasm and loved watching him come up with ideas. "Sonny Boy, you have to choose only one. Which one is the one you find most exciting?"
Gus took a big breath and said, "Honestly Dad, I still like the idea of drawing a big map of the trip. I know there are lots of maps of the journey, but drawing a map and showing all the rivers they floated and the land that they hiked, would be so cool."
"Okay. So you want to show the journey. How do you want to do that?"
"I like my original idea best. Put the journey on cardboard and have a scale model of the boats and supplies. Maybe some animals along the side of the river and a few more in the fields."
"Alright. We need poster board and do you want to make your animals or buy them already made?"
"Already made. If I put the animals in a bag and label them with a number and put the number on the main poster board, I can easily set it up when I get to school. This will be so cool. Do you have a big piece of cardboard I could use as the base? I could put the poster on top of it and that would make it more stable."
"I'm sure we have some cardboard at Kinnetic. We're always opening boxes of something or another. Let's buy the supplies that we can here. We still have to hit Dick's and the art store before they close. If we don't get moving, we won't even have time to hit the grocery tonight. I know Emmett will not be happy if there is nothing for the two of you to cook tomorrow." Brian said.
Gus and Brian picked out the remaining supplies they needed at Target and checked out. They drove to Dick's Sporting Goods store.
"The art store is open until 8:00 so we should have plenty of time to get there, but Dick's is a few blocks from Target. I know you're anxious to get your supplies, but I don't want to drive all over creation,' Brian explained as he pulled into the parking lot.
They were there for about 45 minutes as it appeared that Gus was not the only kid who needed new cleats. Brian thought back to when he was a kid and had to buy cleats for soccer. He remembered asking his mom to take him to the store but she couldn't be bothered. He had to ask Debbie if he could do chores around her house to earn the money for new cleats and then if she would take him to the store. He was glad that Gus did not have to be put in that situation. Lindsay had a bad habit of telling Brian that Gus needed something and he would gladly give her the money to purchase the item, but then would find out that she had kept the money and Brian had to buy it himself. He was glad that he no longer relied on Lindsay to purchase the things Gus needed.
It was close to 6 when they left Dick's and Brian asked Gus. "Hey, do you want to stop and get food or head to the art store?"
"Let's go to the art store. I want to get started on the project in the morning and I don't want to run out of time. I have a candy bar in my backpack that I can eat in the car."
Brian cringed. "Tell you what. Grab your candy bar and you can eat it in the parking lot. I don't want chocolate all over my car seats."
Gus laughed. "No problem, dad. Wait till I tell Tommy that you made me eat my candy bar in the parking lot. He'll get a kick out of it."
Brian shook his head but watched as Gus grabbed the Snickers bar and peeled back the brown wrapper. Gus took a bite of the bar and hummed with satisfaction. Brian waited while Gus finished the bar and then made him go back inside and wash his hands. Eventually, they were on their way again.
They arrived at the art store and went in. A young man about 20 asked if they needed help in finding anything.
Gus described what he was trying to do and the young man took them to the aisle where all the colored glue and construction paper was located. Brian and Gus discussed the pros and cons of various materials before settling on their purchases. Gus brought the items to the cashier and they checked out.
As they were walking to the car, Gus said, "Dad, did you ever hear from Justin about tomorrow? I hope he is planning on coming. I know he'll know how to help me, not that you can't Dad, but well...."
Brian said, " I get it, Gus. He's the artist, not me." Brian pulled out his phone and scrolled down the home screen and even opened the text box, but did not see anything from Justin.
"No, nothing yet. He's probably really busy getting ready for his show. He might not show up tomorrow and you'll be stuck with my help," Brian said, a little joking and a little sad that he had not heard from Justin. "It's way past dinner time, you want to hit the diner before we head home?"
"Sure,' Gus said at the mention of the diner. "Can I have a milkshake?"
"I think that can be arranged," Brian said as he opened the car door and drove toward Liberty Avenue. He was beginning to worry about the lack of communication from Justin.
They ate dinner and then returned to the loft. After dinner, they talked about Gus' project and discussed several ways that he could complete it.
"I hope Justin comes over tomorrow so he can help me," Gus said as he tried to stifle a yawn.
"I don't know if Justin is coming, but we will figure it out. Right now, I think you need to get ready for bed."
Gus nodded and headed toward his bedroom. Shortly afterward, Brian went to say good night and returned to the living room.
He took out his special pen and journal and sat at his desk.
I don't know what is happening. Justin seemed to really enjoy hanging out with me and I thought our two dates went really well. He said he liked the Incline and then asked me out on Tuesday, saying he missed me on Monday night. That is the night I see Cleo and go to his meeting instead of the meeting that Justin and I used to attend.
But I've texted him twice today and I've got nothing. What am I supposed to say to Gus when he asks where Justin is? How am I supposed to keep it together? Is this what Cleo was talking about? Handling disappointment without turning to alcohol. Maybe all the people who said you shouldn't date were right? But does that mean that if I waited for 6 months, this still would not have happened? Ted said that I've changed and that any man would want to be with me. Before I got sober, the only thing I had to offer was my cock and I have a great cock and know how to use it.
Justin keeps saying that there is more to dating than sex, but what do I know about dating? I know I used to be the Stud of Liberty Avenue and every man wanted to have sex with me. Every man but Justin. He's turned me down. Maybe he was disappointed in our little adventure.
If things don't work out with Justin, do I even want to try dating someone else? I don't think so. I mean I like Justin and we've been hanging out together for 9 months. I just don't have it in me right now to start all over again.
Damn, if Gus wasn't here I'd get in my car and just drive over to his place. Woah - did I just say that? I've never chased after anyone in the past, but I never had a reason to or a desire to. But now, I don't even know what I want. I mean I like Justin and I guess I thought things were going good for us, but now that he's not responding to me, I don't know what I feel.
I'm tired, worn out, and scared. Wow, I labeled some heavy emotions there. Cleo would be proud. But I don't like feeling those things. I'm exhausted trying to keep up the happy dad in front of Gus. I hope that I can keep doing that tomorrow. Maybe I won't have to if Justin shows up, but I really don't think he will. Brian Kinney the pessimist.
Brian put down his pen and reread his entry. He didn't want to write anymore tonight as he was finished being contemplative. He put the journal away and got ready for bed. Unfortunately, his brain had difficulty stopping his negative thoughts and he tossed and turned all night long.
TBC