Lindsay stared down at the phone in her hand and fumed.  How dare Brian hang up on her and then not answer when she called back.

Melanie walked into the bedroom, sitting next to Lindsay as she looked at her phone.  "Well, what did he say?  I bet he hadn't even thought of how Gus was going to get to and from this program nor what he would do after it ended.  Typical Brian."

"He said, ‘I've got it covered' and hung up on me.  I tried calling back but he didn't answer and the call just went to voicemail.  I don't know what to think.  I know he's not going to stop in the middle of the day to pick up Gus and then what is Gus supposed to do all afternoon.  I mean, he's always attended the summer camp program at the GLC that has before and aftercare.  It doesn't even open for enrollment for another three weeks, but the slots fill up quickly.  If Brian ....."  Lindsay didn't finish her statement, assuming Melanie would understand.  She added, "We may be left with no place to send Gus."

"I don't know what games Kinney is playing, but if he won't answer your calls tomorrow, you should show up at his place and demand some answers.  He has gotten way too cocky since this whole sobriety thing,"  Mel said, choosing not to accept that Brian had actually changed and maybe he had really thought of the issues.  "I don't want Gus upset because Brian didn't think this through."

"You're right.  I'll call him tomorrow at work.  I'm sure he will talk to me,"  Lindsay said, smiling at the thought that maybe she could finagle a nice lunch out of him, inviting him to meet and talk about Gus. "Let's go to bed.  It's been a long day." Lindsay caressed Melanie's face and leaned over to give her a soft kiss on the lips. 

Melanie smiled, temporarily forgetting Brian, and leaned into the kiss.  "Sounds like a plan."

**********************************************

When Brian got home, he changed out of his work clothes and put on some worn denim jeans.  He'd been expecting Lindsay's call and was pleased that his forethought had provided him with the opportunity to think about his response.  He was being proactive instead of reactive and liked the feeling of being in control. He hadn't gotten angry, cursed, or headed for the closest liquor store to buy a bottle of Beam to drown out his anger or frustration with the situation.  Instead, he had calmly told Lindsay that he had it covered and ignored all her thinly veiled attempts at questioning his actions.  He was proud of how he handled everything about the situation and decided to write down his thoughts about the incident. He went to the shelf, grabbed his journal, got out the special pen he'd bought for writing, and sat at his desk to write another entry.

I knew there would be fallout when I signed Gus up for the summer art program, but I decided he deserved to have this opportunity.  While I saw him every few weeks, I didn't spend a lot of time with him before I became sober.  I'm not fooling myself when I say that I'm not making up for lost time, but I do know that I got sober because of him and now I want to make sure that he has an amazing childhood.  A little finagling on my part, picking him up in the middle of the afternoon, or some other arrangement is definitely something I'm willing to do to make sure he has an opportunity to explore his art. The only thing I did as a kid was play soccer.  I became a soccer player because I wanted something that would keep me out of the house as much as possible.  I found I was really good at it, probably because it was a way for me to literally kick the shit out of something without consequences.  Anyway, when I heard the presentation about the program, I knew Gus would really like it and I signed him up.

Lindsay's problem is not the summer program.  Lindsay is making a bigger deal about the logistics of the whole damn thing.  Again, it's as if she doesn't give me any credit for thinking beyond the actual experience.  I'm sure she thought that if she brought up all the things like cost, getting him to and from the program, and what he would do when he was finished with the program for the day, I'd cave and tell her I hadn't thought of those things and back off, showing her that I wasn't a responsible parent and that I was just showing off to Gus by signing him up for expensive activities.  This wouldn't be the first time she accused me of trying to buy his affection.

But I had thought of all those things and while I didn't have a firm solution in place, I knew that they wouldn't be deal-breakers.  Gus wanted to go and since I thought the program was worthy, I would see to it that he got the opportunity.  I think she still thinks that all the stuff I do for Gus is trying to win his affection and making up for all those years when I wasn't around a lot.  But I know that I can't make up for lost time.  I can only move forward and make great memories and give him opportunities to grow. It's almost like she doesn't want him to do stuff that I suggest so that she can convince herself that she's the better parent.  This is not a pissing contest.  Gus has two mothers and me.  I refuse to be the bank of Brian without reaping the rewards of seeing Gus enjoy the experiences my money can provide.  And it is not about giving him experiences and winning any popularity contest.  It's about giving him opportunities. 

Her little tirade tonight is not over.  Just because I didn't answer her does not mean she will give up.  I'm sure I'll hear from her again. Maybe one day she'll realize that Gus means a lot to me and I'll do anything in my power to give him an amazing childhood.  Regardless of how this all pans out, I'm proud of myself for not getting angry and heading toward the first bottle of liquor I could find and hide in the bottle, drowning my thoughts and feelings in the bottle.  I thought about the consequences, anticipated her inevitable phone call, and had practiced my response.  Cleo had the right idea.  Knowing what you are going to do when a trigger presents itself can help you control your actions.  I'll share this with him tonight when we talk.  Go, Cleo!!!

When he was finished with the entry on Gus and the summer art program, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water.  He didn't want to make coffee and didn't really want to wait for it to brew.  He untwisted the cap and drank about half the bottle in one gulp, not realizing how thirsty he was.  He returned to the living room and picked up his journal, reading the few paragraphs he'd written. He drew a deep breath and let it out, feeling the relaxation of his body.  He wasn't really tense but liked the feeling of calm from the deep breaths.  This was another technique that Cleo had suggested.  He picked up the pen that he'd laid on the desk and continued writing.  

It's been three weeks since Justin kissed me.  That sounds so weird that I'm keeping track of a simple thing like a kiss but I guess I am a little lesbionic in my actions.  I never thought about having someone important in my life, like a partner or significant other, but I think Justin could be this person for me. 

Tonight we talked a little about our relationship and some of our expectations.  I asked him how he would handle this thing between us if I started drinking again and he asked me the same question.  I have so many thoughts about this discussion.  The first is that I even contemplated the idea of drinking again.  These last six months have been transformational and my life is so much fuller than it was when I was drinking.  I can't imagine drinking again and going back to the drunk that I was before.  I would lose too much that I can't even comprehend why I chose to drink as much and as often as I did.  What scares me is that I had that thought.  When I think about it, I have come to realize that the urge to drink will always be in the back of my psyche.  I will always have to choose not to take the first drink.  That is a lot to accept that I cannot ever go back to those habits.  Realizing that a part of my life was so destructive and that I contributed to the destruction is also hard to incorporate into my mind.  Accepting that I was choosing to harm myself repeatedly day in and day out has been eye-opening. Jack and Joan really did a number on my mind.  But that is a thought for another day.

It gives me hope that even if I make a mistake, he will be there to help me back on my journey.  The fact that there is someone in my life that has stated out loud that he will be there if I fall and will support me, even if I have trouble getting back to my journey, means the world to me.  I've never had anyone tell me that they are going to be there even in times when I screw up.  Sure, Ted and Emmett have shown that they support me in this journey, but it's different with Justin.  I guess it's because I'm looking at Justin as more than a friend. 

Which brings me back to my first thought.  He kissed me and I returned that kiss, well a few days later, but I returned the kiss willingly, and with intention.  Sure, I kiss Mikey, but it's different.  Well, I did before he and I had a falling out.  I wonder if that rift will ever repair itself?  Even if he comes around, I don't know if I can ever trust that he has my best interests in hand.  Oh well, Ted and Emmett's friendship have proven to be such a boon to my life and I sometimes wonder about my friendship with Mikey.

Anyway, we now kiss every time we leave each other's company.  These are not short pecks on the mouth like I gave to Michael.  These are open-mouthed, full tongue exploring his mouth, inhaling his scent, and caressing his body kisses.  They are exhilarating and I look forward to them a lot.  While Justin has me talking more than I ever did before sobriety, I feel that our kisses have a language of their own.

Our discussion tonight about supporting each other if we started drinking was the first time we really broached that subject but I was perfectly comfortable with discussing it. I guess this is what it's like to have someone in your life that you can talk to about anything without fear of reprisal.  I think I heard the term unconditional regard mentioned in one of our group meetings and I now understand what that term really means. We give each other unconditional respect and acceptance regardless of our actions.  That is a pretty freeing feeling. 

I need to head to bed.  I've got that big presentation tomorrow.  But I think Cleo has the right idea.  Writing down my thoughts really gives me some clarity regarding where my head is and helps me focus.  I'm glad I found him.

Brian closed the journal, put it on the shelf, and put the pen back in the drawer.  He walked over to the kitchen island, glanced through his mail, assuring himself that there was nothing that he had to take care of, and got ready for bed.

In the morning Brian arrived at work a little early, giving himself time to review the presentation one last time.  He knew that it was in excellent shape, but he always liked to look at upcoming presentations with fresh eyes before the actual meeting.  The meeting went off without incident and the contract was approved for the new campaign.

He had a conference call with a prospective client at 2:00 and he reviewed those notes after his meeting in the morning.  He placed the materials on his desk and called the Maverick, a small boutique hotel that was looking to enhance its presence.  He had been on the call for five minutes when he heard a commotion outside his door and then the door opened, Lindsay barging into his office. 

He said, "Excuse me. Can you hold for a few minutes?" Brian said, worried that Lindsay's unexpected presence meant there was something wrong with Gus.

"Yes, I can hold,"  The manager said, accepting Brian's request. 

He turned toward Lindsay, his heart beating quickly and he could feel the fear build in his body.  "Is there a problem with Gus?" he asked, worry evident in his voice.  He needed to assure himself that there was nothing wrong.

"No, he's fine. I've tried calling 5 times this morning and each time, I've been told that you were unavailable.  We need to talk, so I came here. Since you hung up last night..."

Assured that there was nothing wrong with his son, he acted quickly. "Security.  Please escort Ms. Peterson out of my office and place her on the no visitor list," he said as he pushed the button on his intercom.  "Lindsay, this is not the time or place to discuss this issue.  I didn't accept your calls as I have been working.  You know that thing most people do between 9:00 and 5:00 to pay the bills,"  Brian said as he shook his head in exasperation.  "You cannot come barging into my office at any time of your choosing. And if you think for one minute that you and your she-wolf will try to use this as a reason to prevent me from seeing Gus, you will find that won't work."

Brian looked beyond Lindsay as his security officer walked into the room. He pointed toward Lindsay and the guard waved her toward the door. 

She stood firm and said, "Brian, we need to talk and since you ...."

"Lindsay, I repeat,  I'm working and you interrupted me in the middle of a business call.  Hopefully, my prospective client will still be there when you leave.  Now go!"  He stood up and pushed her out of the room.  He closed the door behind her and locked it., going back to the phone call.

"Thank you for waiting.  I apologize.  I had to deal with an urgent matter.  Let's continue,"  Brian said, trying to recompose himself and continue the initial discussion.  Thankfully, the hotel manager was gracious and did not fault Brian for the delay.  At the end of the call, an in-person meeting was scheduled for next week where they could continue their discussion.

When Brian hung up, his heart was still beating quickly, trying to flush out the adrenaline that pumped through it when Lindsay barged into his office.  He couldn't believe that she had the audacity to barge into his office in the middle of the day just because he hung up with her.  He pulled out his bottom drawer where he used to keep his liquor and made a heavy sigh.  He knew it would be empty and he also knew he did not really want a drink, but old habits came to the forefront in times of stress.  He closed the drawer and took three deep breaths, centering himself as Cleo had taught him.  He stood up and moved his arms and legs getting his blood pumping in order to dissipate the adrenaline that he knew was still coursing through his body.  He walked around his office and after five minutes, felt less stressed.

He unlocked the door and walked to Ted's office.  Ensuring that he was not on the phone, Brian knocked gently on the door and Ted waved him in, pointing to the chair in front of his desk. 

"Brian, what can I do for you?  I'm pretty sure that I gave you those numbers you asked for in anticipation of the Maverick call.  Did you not receive them?"  Ted asked, racking his brain as he retraced his steps this morning verifying that he did provide the report to his boss.

"No, I got them.  The call went well and we have another meeting next week to continue the discussion.  It almost didn't go well as I had to stop the call and deal with Lindsay,"  Brian said, not going into detail.

Ted took the bait, and said, "Lindsay?  What does Lindsay have to do with the Maverick hotel?  You lost me there, Brian."

"Last night she called about this summer program I signed Gus up for.  There were lots of questions that she threw at me but I didn't answer them to her satisfaction and I hung up on her.  When she didn't get her answers, she decided to come to Kinnetic to ‘talk'."  He put air quotes around the word.  "Of course, she chose to barge into my office right as I was talking to the Maverick manager.  Luckily, he was gracious enough to hold for a moment while I called security and had her escorted out of the building."

"I see.  I take it there is more to this story,"  Ted asked, recognizing that Brian's willingness to talk about the incident had a much deeper meaning than just an interrupted business call. 

"Yeah.  When she left I pulled out my bottom drawer, the one where I used to keep my emergency stash of Beam.  I knew there wasn't anything there and I really didn't want to drink anything.  I just took a couple of breaths, moved around a little, and the moment passed.  I just wanted to share with you my success."  Brian smiled at Ted, not really sure what he wanted from the man, but wanted to tell him about the incident.

"I'm glad that you are using your strategies when you are stressed."  Ted waited for Brian to say something else.  He had a feeling that there was more to the story than Brian shared.

He knew Brian had dealt successfully with Lindsay and her inappropriate habits of  "dropping in" during work hours. Besides, Brian didn't have a habit of drinking during the day while he was working.  He knew about the bottle in his bottom drawer and only after Brian mentioned it did he wonder if the bottle was still there. He was pleased to know that Brian had gotten rid of it and briefly wondered if he had gotten rid of it after that night when he'd gone to Brian's home to throw out all of his liquor.

Prior to his recovery, Brian usually got out the bottle in celebration rather than in consolation.  He saw Brian as someone who drowned his sorrows away from the office but celebrated his successes in public.  He knew Brian did not need a reason to drink but he didn't see Brian imbibe in the middle of the day.  It was always at the end of the workday, usually after most of the staff had left for the day.    

Brian got up and closed the door, offering them privacy.  He sat down in the chair in front of Ted's desk and asked, "Justin and I talked about what would happen if either of us started drinking.  Have you and Blake ever had that conversation?" 

Ted nodded, seeing the true reason why Brian had visited.  He was not shy or reserved about talking about his recovery but never pushed the information on anyone who didn't ask.  Up to now, Brian had never asked.

"Sure, we discussed it.  Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with someone in recovery needs to have that discussion.  We all hope that our recovery will be smooth, with no slips or almost slips, but realize that slips up can happen.  For a relationship to work, both of you need to be 100% honest with each other.  You can't hide the pink elephant in the room."

"We talked about honesty at one of our recent meetings.  And Cleo and I talked about it too.  He said that alcoholics lie all the time; about their drinking, how much they drink, when they drink, who they drink with, just about everything.  I can't imagine lying to Justin if I were to slip up.  But I was so afraid of his response.  He surprised me and said it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but that eventually if I didn't return to a sober lifestyle, he would have to cut our ties,"  Brian felt that Ted really understood the need for this type of unconditional support.  He was glad that he was sharing this information with him.

"I'm glad that you two have discussed this issue.  I'd be concerned if you hadn't.  I'm sure that you've had other occasions where you wanted to drink.  What did you do then?"  Ted felt comfortable asking Brian about his drinking and his triggers.  Even though it was during work hours, Brian obviously wanted to talk. 

"I called Justin.  But I didn't want to do that now since he isn't my sponsor,"  Brian said.  He ran his hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose.  "I handled it and didn't feel the need to call Cleo, but I would have called him if I was struggling,"  Brian said, explaining that he did have a plan if his strategies hadn't worked.  "It felt really good to know that I could handle it on my own.  And yes, I know I came in here right afterward, but I was not needing your help to calm down.  I just wanted to share my triumph with you as you would understand."

Ted stood up and walked over to the chair and leaned over to give Brian a brief hug.  "You did good."  He straightened up and returned to his chair.  He laced his fingers together and moved them back and forth a few times. 

"So, what are you going to do about Lindsay?  You know this isn't over just because you had her removed from the building.  In fact, it probably added to your problem."

Brian pulled the corner of his lip into his mouth, worrying the flesh with his teeth for a moment, and let it go.  "I guess I'll call her on my way to the meeting tonight.  That way I control how long the call is and when I call.  I want to do this on my own time, not hers.  She needs to realize that she just can't demand things whenever she chooses."

"Do you know what you're going to tell her?"  Ted asked, trying to encourage Brian to think beyond making the call, but also about the contents of the conversation.

"Sure.  I'll tell her that I have paid for the program and I will see to it that he is picked up in the afternoon and is well taken care of,"  Brian said, sure of his response.

"You know Lindsay is going to push you on that answer.  She is going to question how you are going to stop in the middle of your workday to pick Gus up and she's going to want to know what taken care of means,"  Ted said as he tried to point out some potential problems with Brian's solution.

"Damn.  You're right.  Well, I can tell her that I'll pick him up after I go to a meeting.  But... as for afterward, I'm still working on it. I'll call the school and see if there are any additional programs that he could attend in the afternoon.  If so, he could attend both of them and that would solve a big part of the program."

"That sounds feasible.  But, Brian, I would encourage you to have some solid plans before you call her back,"  Ted said, wanting to support Brian.

"Jeez.  Now, I'm beginning to understand how single parents feel when they try to navigate breaks and summertime.  School is not a babysitter, but at least the child is occupied during a big part of the day."  Brian watched Ted nod and then said, "Well, I better get back to work.  I have to leave on time if I'm going to hit my meeting. Thanks for listening."

"Any time, " Ted said and watched his friend leave his office.

Instead of work, Brian called the school and investigated other programs that he could enroll Gus in for the summer.  He wanted to talk to Gus about the options before enrolling him so he would have to wait until Friday.  He didn't want to call over to Lindsay and Melanie's without a firm response in mind.  He hoped one of the options would be interesting to Gus. 

After the phone call and his talk with Ted, he only had about an hour to get some of his actual work done.  Reluctantly, he placed some files in his briefcase, knowing that he would need to work from home tonight so he wouldn't get behind.  He had hoped to spend some time with Justin after their meeting, but he would have to postpone their dinner.

At 5:30, he shut down his computer and left the office, driving right to the AA meeting.  Justin's car was there and that lifted his mood.  As he walked in, he spotted Justin standing by the coffee table, chatting with another attendee.  Justin smiled when he saw Brian approach.

"How was your day?  I didn't eat lunch and I'm starving.  I was working on this new project and time got away from me.  I can hear those leftovers calling my name,"  Justin said as he walked with Brian toward the small circle of chairs.

"My day was okay until Lindsay decided that she needed to interrupt a conference call with a new client.  Evidently, my hanging up on her last night didn't go over very well,"  Brian said as he sat down, choosing a space where no one was seated yet, giving them an illusion of privacy. 

"Okay.  Why did you hang up on Lindsay?  I feel like I came into the conversation midway through,"  Justin said as he took a sip of his coffee, grimaced at the taste, and then glanced at the clock realizing they only had a few minutes before the meeting would start.

"I signed Gus up for a summer art program and she had all kinds of questions like who was paying for it and how was he going to get picked up in the middle of the afternoon.  I told her I had it covered, but that wasn't good enough for her.  She wanted details and when I didn't give them to her last night, she decided that she would come to Kinnetik to get them.  Never mind that I was in the middle of an important phone call and working.  She barged in and demanded answers.  I had her escorted out of the building and she still doesn't have answers.  I called the school to see if there were some other programs Gus could enroll in so maybe he could be there all day instead of just till noon.  There are some other programs, but I want to talk to him about them before I just go and sign him up.,"  Brian explained as he watched people coming to sit in the circle. 

"Wow.  I can't imagine her thinking it was okay to just barge into your work demanding answers."

"That's Lindsay for you.  Only thinks about things as they relate to her.  No thought of how her actions might impact someone else," Brian said, still angry at her actions, even though he acknowledged that she did have some right to know that the issues were covered.  It made him angry that she didn't trust him to know that Gus would need to be picked up and that the program was expensive. 

Before Justin could answer, the leader, Kayla called everyone to the group.  "We will get started in about 1 minute."

"Hey, I want to hear about it, but we'll have to wait till the meeting is over,"  Justin said. 

Brian nodded, realizing that he wanted to talk about the situation with Justin, but told himself that he wouldn't be able to join him for their after-dinner get-together as he really did need to work tonight and that their talk would have to be at a later time.

The topic today was resentment.  The group read from the big book about resentment and discussed how resentment is frequently a precursor to the first drink.  They talked about the resentment inventory and how this was a great way to write about your inner fears and where you want to go with your life. The leader gave several examples and talked through a few of her own.  At the end of the meeting, she provided each member with some sample documents.

"There are no right or wrong answers here as each person's experience is different.  I would encourage each of you to work on filling out these forms.  You can choose to review them with your sponsor or keep them to yourself, but I would encourage you to complete as much as possible and really be honest with yourself as you fill it out.  This exercise can help you start to look at some of the reasons why you drink and what are some of your triggers." 

Brian looked at the papers in his hand, feeling like he was in school, sent home with homework.  On the top of the sheet was a column that read

I'm resentful at:

Who?  ( People,Places, Things, Institutions, Principles, etc

The cause:

How?  How they hurt or threatened me.

Affects my:

What?  What part of self affected that I reacted to.

Brian took the offered forms and turned toward Justin.  "You know, I could start now and fill this in about Lindsay's visit.  I'm going to show Cleo this at our meeting next week and try to work on it between now and then.  He told me that writing shit down can help me see the bigger picture,"  Brian said as he folded the papers and put them in his coat jacket.  He had draped his light windbreaker over the back of the chair as it was a little cold this evening.

Justin felt a twinge of jealousy that Brian planned on sharing this information with Cleo and not him, but reminded himself that he was no longer Brian's sponsor and things were different now.  He nodded his head and said, "Oh.  Sure.  I thought...."

Brian immediately realized his mistake and quickly said, " Hey.  I didn't mean that I wasn't going to tell you about this afternoon.  It was just a comment that this is a great tool to use in my journal."

"Oh, Okay.  I thought.... Well, it doesn't matter what I thought.  We can talk more over dinner.  I did say I was starving,"  Justin said, gathering his jacket off the back of his chair and putting it on. He didn't want to dwell on his thoughts and feelings regarding Brian's statement but realized he was obviously reacting to them.

Justin's quick backtrack had Brian feeling guilty, and he wanted to reassure Justin that he was still important, but knew he didn't have time to talk.  "Actually, what I didn't get to finish telling you was that as a result of Lindsay's barging into my office and subsequent phone calls to the school, I didn't get all the work done that I needed to.  So, I have to bail on dinner.  You can come over for dinner tomorrow.  I'll even let you cook,"  Brian teased, knowing that Justin was a much better cook than he was and that their cooking together was more of an activity that they enjoyed than just getting dinner on the table.

"You have to eat.  Why don't you come over for a quick bite, the food is already cooked?  This way we can finish our conversation, you get dinner, and then you can go home.  I promise not to keep you,'  Justin said, feeling like he really wanted to finish his conversation with Brian, and this way he would still get to spend a little time with him.

Brian was torn.  "I do have to eat..... But, I'll have to leave right afterward,"  Brian said, agreeing to the quick dinner.  He was excited that Justin wanted to eat dinner with him, even if it would be a short visit. 

"Okay, let's go.  I'll meet you at my apartment,"  Justin said as they walked out to their respective cars.  Justin was pleased that Brian had so quickly relented on his decision to not share dinner together.  Justin wanted to assure Brian that he was interested in his life and that he was there as support even if he wasn't his sponsor.

When they arrived at Justin's place, he let them in, Brian placed his windbreaker over the couch, and both men went into the kitchen.  Brian assisted Justin by getting down the plates and glasses and setting the table while Justin took the leftovers out of the fridge and put the containers in the microwave to be reheated.

They filled their plates and took them to the table.  Justin took a bite of his chicken, savoring the taste while he assuaged his hunger.  "So, I know you don't have a lot of time, but finish telling me about today,"  Justin asked.

Brian finished the bite of chicken he had eaten and then said, "Well, after Lindsey left the office with security and I locked the door, I was really pissed and pulled out my drawer where I used to keep my bottle of Beam."  Brian saw the deer in the headlights look on Justin's face and quickly added, "The drawer's been empty for months and I knew it was empty, it was sort of a habit, but not really.  I never drank at work during work hours unless we were celebrating the close of a big campaign and usually that was at the end of the day.  I never opened the bottle during work hours, that would have been poor decision making on my part on so many levels,"  Brian explained and then took a drink of his water before continuing.

"So, I knew the drawer was empty and I wasn't really wanting a drink, but it kind of scared me that I opened the drawer.  Anyway, I took a few deep breaths and did some relaxation exercises that Cleo and I had talked about and I calmed down really quickly."

Brian looked at Justin when he mentioned Cleo's name, but didn't see any malice or regret in his eyes.  " Afterwards, I went to talk to Ted and explained to him what had happened.  His response was that Lindsay may have gone about the confrontation wrong, but that all the questions she had were legitimate.  He urged me to call her, but have answers for her before I did."   As Brian retold the story, he was thankful that Ted didn't give him an automatic okay for his behavior or his actions.  "So...., I spent some time on the phone with the school learning about additional options for Gus in the summer.  Now, I will have to discuss it with him on Friday before I call Lindsay.  But, I realized Ted was right; I needed more of a plan than to say I had it covered."  Brian looked down at his plate and ate a few more bites of chicken. 

"This is weird.  I've never gone to anyone and asked for their opinion or to share about what happened in my day,"  Brian admitted, feeling a little uneasy.

"Brian, I'm not your sponsor anymore and hopefully you'll feel comfortable sharing life's ups and downs with me. That's what people do.  They share and talk about life's highs and lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This isn't about your drinking, but more about dealing with Gus and his moms."  Justin said, trying to reassure Brian that the conversation was welcome and he wasn't feeling burdened by it.

"But, it doesn't involve you.  Why would you care?  I mean, that didn't come off right.  I mean, I've always taken care of everything and I'm not used to telling others about my life."  Brian looked at Justin, a little confused about why Justin was interested since he was no longer his sponsor. 

Justin reached out his hand and laid it over Brian's hand and gave it a little squeeze.  "Brian, I like you and want to know what happens in your life.  It has nothing to do with being your sponsor or not being your sponsor.  It's what friends do.  They ask about others' lives and sometimes offer advice even when it is not asked for," Justin grinned at the little added tidbit that he chose to add.  

"Okay,"  Brian nodded in understanding, still not totally convinced that anyone would care about his disagreement with Lindsay.  "I guess Ted did the same thing when he told me that Lindsay was right in wanting answers to those questions."

"They are good questions and as Gus' mom, I would want to be sure he was cared for.  Put yourself in her shoes.  If she signed him up for a program, wouldn't you have the same concerns?"  Justin asked, trying to help Brian see both sides of the discussion.

"They've taken care of all that shit for years and never asked me about any of it.  Why is this different?"  Brian asked, his question obviously defensive in nature based on the tone of his voice.

"Brian, it's different now. Gus is spending a lot of time with you.  It's no longer an occasional evening or overnight.  You've become a big part of his life and as such, they want to make sure you've thought of things that they've dealt with for years.  Lindsay probably isn't sure that you've thought of the logistics of Gus getting to and from the program or what he would do after it was over.  You've never had to think about those things and she wanted to be sure that everything was covered.  The last thing she wanted to happen was to have Gus show up on day one without a plan for someone to pick him up or what he was going to do when the activity was over,"  Justin explained the intricacies of parenting logistics to Brian.  He remembered his parents having similar discussions when Molly was young.  There were many dinner discussions about the logistics of getting Justin and Molly to various activities while working around his parent's commitments.  Justin took another bite of his chicken, watching Brian think about his comments. 

Brian ate some chicken and took another sip of water as he thought about Justin's comments.  After a few moments, he said, "Yeah.  I guess I would want to know that Gus is safe.  There is a lot to this parenting thing that I haven't thought about.  On the other hand, you have to give me credit.  I knew I needed to go to a meeting on Saturday night and couldn't just leave Gus, so I did figure out a way to work that out,"  Brian said, pointing out his positive parenting skills.

"Brian, no one is questioning your parenting.  Lindsay just wanted to be sure that you'd thought about those things.  Gus adores you and loves spending time with you.  He is comfortable with you and is so proud of you.  Come on, you cleared out a storage room for him, bought him an amazing bed, and spent an entire day putting it together, even though that was not your wheelhouse,"  Justin said, grinning at the memory of that evening. 

Brian grinned.  "I seem to recall I had some amazing help in building said bed.  And the results of that adventure have led me to a new relationship with you.  All in all, I think it was a win for everyone."  Brian leaned over and kissed Justin on the cheek. 

"I agree.   A win for everyone.  I know you said that you've got work to do, and as much as I'd love to hang out with you, I know you've got to go.  Why don't you finish your dinner and I'll see you tomorrow.  I can clean up."  Justin offered, pleased that Brian had agreed to come over but not wanting to keep him from his work. 

Brian didn't argue, knowing that he really did need to get some work done tonight. He looked at his empty plate and felt a little disappointed that he was finished.

"Hopefully, Lindsay will not call until I have a chance to talk to Gus on Friday.  I could call him and discuss it, but I'd rather do it in person,"  Brian said taking a sip of his water, postponing the inevitable departure.

"If she calls, tell her your plan, explaining that you want to talk to Gus about another program.  This way you are telling her that you heard her concerns and are addressing them,"  Justin suggested.

"Then she'll think I am irresponsible.  I mean, by telling her my plan is to talk to Gus, it says that I really didn't have a firm plan,"  Brian explained, not wanting to let Lindsay know that she had some legitimate concerns. 

"Brian.  Acknowledging your mistakes is important.  I understand that you don't want to give her any reason to doubt you, but no one is perfect and all of us need reminders to do things,"  Justin said, disagreeing with Brian's strategy.  He'd never had occasion to question Brian's actions, but this time, he wanted to speak up.  He didn't think of the consequences of disagreeing. 

Brian looked at Justin, surprised at his comment.  He wasn't used to anyone disagreeing with him and he was a little taken aback.  "I have a motto No Apologies.  No Regrets. But I see that it should probably be revised.  I do have regrets and I guess I should occasionally apologize.  It's just been against my philosophy.  I've lived my whole life only thinking about me."  Brian bit the corner of his lip, a habit that Justin had come to equate with discomfort.

"But you're changing, Brian.  I see it and so do you.  Gus sees it. Ted sees it. Emmett sees it.  Lindsay may have seen some of it, but she might not be ready to accept it,"  Justin said, very gently, knowing that this was a major shift in Brian's thought process.  While he was no longer his sponsor, he could not take that hat off entirely. He reached out to touch his hand to Brian's hand that had been laying on the table. 

"I guess you're right.  If she calls, I'll still tell her I'm working on it, but I'll let her know what I've come up with.  Thanks. Well, I guess I'm going to take you up on your offer of cleaning up.  But I really do have to go.  See you tomorrow at the meeting and then we'll cook dinner?"  Brian asked, as he stood up from the table and walked toward the door.  He grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch and put it on.

"That is if the offer still stands?"  Justin asked as thought about cooking dinner in Brian's loft.  It would be a new experience for them; one to add to their explorations.

"Of course, it's still on.  A chance for you to cook is always on the table. Gus and I are definite novices in that area," Broan said, tongue in cheek. 

Justin joined him at the door and leaned in to give him a kiss.  Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and opened his mouth, allowing his tongue to caress Justin's mouth and tongue.  He hugged Justin, pulling his body close to his, enjoying the closeness and intimacy of the moment.  He felt his pants getting tight at the feel of Justin in his arms, but ignored the beginnings of his erection.  They kissed for a minute, and then Brian pulled away.

"Thank you for dinner.  Later,"  Brian said as he opened the door and walked out.

Justin closed the door behind him, leaning against the wood.  He licked his lips where Brian had kissed him, savoring the feeling.  While he originally regretted his indiscretion in kissing Brian, he now realized it was the right move and he couldn't wait for them to explore their relationship.

******

Brian drove home, turning his mind to the work that lay ahead.  He was not used to working in the evening and he reminisced about the many years that he took work home because he had been too hungover during the first part of his day to be effective.  He was thankful that those days were behind him.  If he was lucky, he would be able to complete his work in an hour or two and then have some time to unwind.

When he got home, he checked his mailbox and thought again about getting a P.O. Box since he rarely got anything but junk mail.  He filed the thought and opened his door to the loft, laying the mail on the counter.  He changed into his version of loungewear, faded jeans, and a wife-beater and booted up his computer to look at the files he needed to review.  He grabbed a bottle of water and his briefcase and sat at his desk to work.  He worked for about an hour and a half and felt he was at a good stopping point for the night.

He turned off the computer and went to his windbreaker where he had placed the worksheets that the leader had handed out at the AA meeting this evening.  He reviewed them again and thought for a few moments before he started writing.

The first column said

 I'm resentful at:

Who?  ( People,Places, Things, Institutions, Principles, etc

Brian immediately thought of the events of the day and started writing. 

I resent Lindsay for questioning my abilities to think ahead and plan for Gus.  It had already occurred to me that he would have to have something to do in the afternoon and I had toyed with some ideas, but to have her question me as if I had not thought about those things made me really angry and resent her inferences that I was irresponsible. 

The cause:

How?  How they hurt or threatened me.

Her words hurt me.  I've told people that I do not apologize and have no regrets, but I realize now that I do regret not being in Gus' life.  Well, I was in his life, just very peripherally.  It hurts when she questions my commitment to Gus, my commitment to staying sober, and my ability to keep him safe.  I'm glad that I went to a lawyer before I told her I was attending AA but the facts are that I was right.  She threatened my ability to see my son.  That hurt more than anything in my life.

Affects my:

What ?  What part of self affected that I reacted to.

Her words and doubts affected how I see myself.  I am a capable business owner with a multi-million dollar company, but she questions my abilities to take care of my son.  That hurts my self-worth and makes me question my thoughts as a parent. 

Brian took out his journal and started to write.

I just completed the first line of the resentment exercise we did in AA tonight.  Writing it down in these categories really helps me see my feelings.  I was surprised that Justin was interested in the conversation that I had with Lindsay and Ted regarding the summer program.  It is still very new to think that anyone cares about what happens in my life, but me.  Honestly, until recently, I'm not sure that I cared what happened in my personal life.  I cared about my business and then I drowned all my feelings in the bottle and in the latest alphabet of drugs. Thinking about my life and what I want to do with it is still a novel idea.  The idea of sharing it with Gus and hopefully Justin is even more novel. 

Gus is my son and his addiction to my life is not new, but the level of involvement I have with him has definitely increased and I love spending time with him.  I never thought I would be the weekend Dad and like the responsibility for him, but I look forward to our time together, seeing the world through his eyes.  He makes me realize all that I lost in my own childhood due to my parents and their drinking habits.  I can't turn back time, but I can give him a better childhood and a better relationship with me than I had with my old man.  My dad only saw me as a punching bag when I was young, but when I became prosperous, he saw me like a bank.  Much like Lindsay sees me.  I'm the father of her child, but really it was a way for her to bankroll the lifestyle she wanted to live.

I'm not sure I resent her for asking me to provide the junk to make Gus as now I can't imagine my life without him.  He was the reason I got sober, so if he wasn't here, I might still be drinking and not living the life I am today.  And, I would not have met Justin. 

Justin, he would take a whole day to write my thoughts and feelings about him and I do not have the time right now.  Suffice it to say, that I'm thankful he is in my life and I do not resent his kiss.  Even though it was unexpected and put a strain on our relationship, I'm glad that we are getting to know each other and I hope it continues to move forward.

Well, that is all for now.  I have so many lines to fill on that sheet, it might take me months to complete, but I guess that is the idea.  Cleo had a great idea in having me journal my thoughts.  It will be interesting to look over these in a few weeks and months.

Brian put away his pen and journal.  He shut off the lights, made sure the loft was locked up and got ready for bed.  He realized he hadn't called Cleo and made a note to do so tomorrow.