Chapter 20

The two men walked to the bedroom, holding hands and smiling.  Brian closed the door and reached for Justin, pulling him in for a smoldering kiss, arms wrapped tightly around each other's torsos, and their bodies pressed together as they pushed into each other. Soon fingers were busy unbuttoning buttons and taking off shirts in order to feel skin-on-skin contact.  The two men were still standing just inside the door, with no thoughts but enjoying each other's bodies.

Their erections were pressing on tight denim, demanding release from their respective cloth prisons.  Justin undid the button and zip on Brian's jeans and Brian followed suit on Justin's clothing.  As soon as the jeans were loose, Justin quickly pulled down Brian's jeans and underwear, barely breaking their kiss for a moment to complete the action.  Brian broke their kiss and mirrored Justin's actions as he stepped out of his jeans and motioned for Justin to do the same.  Both men were naked, their erections jutting out from their bodies, saluting the other man.

Without words, Brian moved them to the bed where they fell to the mattress, barely breaking their kiss.  Their bodies rubbed together, enjoying the friction unencumbered by denim or cotton.  Kissing and exploring each other's mouths they inhaled each other's unique scent and relished the taste of coffee. 

Unconsciously Brian realized he wanted more than frottage or a blow job.  He reached for the bowl that he had by the edge of his bed, but found it empty.  He growled in frustration.

The noise surprised Justin and he stopped kissing Brian and asked, "something wrong?"

"Shit!" Brian said.

"Brian?"  Justin asked, wondering what was happening. They had been enjoying themselves and obviously, something was going on but he was unsure what it was.

"I was trying to grab a condom, but there aren't any here.  I used to keep them in this bowl by the bed, so they'd always be handy."

"A condom?"  Justin asked, unsure how he felt about the situation.

Chapter 21

"I'm sorry.  I should have asked.  I just got carried away in the moment,"  Brian explained. He hadn't thought about the ramifications of his statement until he said it aloud.  "I guess we should have talked about it.  I mean I know we've had mutual blow jobs and a few hand jobs, but condoms are on another level.  I screwed up yet again.  Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought."  Brian laid down on his back and closed his eyes, unable to look at Justin.

Justin pushed Brian's shoulder and said, "Open your eyes and look at me.  You didn't screw up."

Brian didn't immediately comply and Justin repeated his statement and actions. 

"From where I sit, I did.  I mean I was about to grab a condom and have sex with you without even checking to see if you were on the same page as I was.  To me, that's a pretty big leap and that is just screwed. Pardon the pun,"  he said, still not opening his eyes but at least responding to Justin's words. 

"Brian, I refuse to have this conversation unless you open your eyes and look at me,"  Justin said, demanding that Brian be fully present in this important discussion.

Reluctantly Brian opened his eyes.  "Okay, they're open,"  He said, still not looking at Justin.

"Look at me,"  Justin said again.

After a few moments, Brian complied.

Justin leaned over and gave Brian a light kiss on the lips.  "Good.  You've opened your eyes and are looking at me.  That's a good start."  Justin gave him another light kiss and then continued.  "You didn't screw up.  I think it is pretty cool that you were comfortable enough with where we are that you wanted to bring sex up to the next level.  And remember that it takes two people to have sex.  I'm not some 15-year-old virgin who hasn't got a clue and my mouth works very well.  If you had started something that I wasn't comfortable with or ready for, I would tell you no."

"But in the heat of the moment, would you have gone along and then regretted it?  We've messed around, but..." Brian didn't finish his statement as he felt his meaning was clear.

"We're both adults here.  If I regretted it, I would talk to you about it.  Remember, we just talked about our relationship and where we want it to go.  I want it to grow too and part of that is having actual intercourse.  Penetration is the next step,"  Justin said, hoping he was getting through to Brian.

"I feel like a fucking teenager with their first crush whose body is taking over and just wants more.  I don't want..."  Brian stopped, closing his eyes again, unable to look Justin in the eye as he shared his thoughts.

Justin scooted next to him and lay his arm over Brian's chest as he closed his eyes and enjoyed the closeness of their bodies.  After about 5 minutes, Justin said, "let's start this again."

Brian did not move or open his eyes as he was unsure what Justin meant.

"I asked you earlier tonight what your thoughts were about the discussion at AA.  You said you were ready to start a relationship and I said I was ready too.  I guess we didn't really talk about what that means,"  Justin said, starting the conversation up again.

"Fuck, Justin.  Does everything have to be a damn conversation?  I feel that sometimes we analyze everything to death, " Brian said in exasperation.

Justin continued to lie next to Brian feeling it was less threatening to Brian if he could have the conversation without eye-to-eye contact. 

"Brian, no we do not need to talk everything to death, but I get the impression the sex thing is something you're still struggling with.  Sex is a part of any intimate relationship and while we haven't had penetrative sex, I imagine it will happen and probably sooner than later.  That being said, we should talk about it.  While I know that talking is not your favorite activity, I think it is helpful in sorting out your thoughts and feelings.  You're so used to hiding your thoughts and feelings in a bottle and while you have been sober for almost 11 months, it still is not second nature to open up about what you are feeling."  Justin said, hoping Brian would agree to explore his thoughts and feelings instead of shutting down.

"Fuck, Justin."  Brian ran his hand over his closed eyes and down his chest, resting on his groin where his penis had retreated to its unaroused state. "Okay, you win.  Let's talk."

 "Brian, this isn't a contest,"  Justin said, wondering if he should drop the subject in favor of sleep and revisit it when they weren't lying in bed after an abortive make-out session.

"I know," he said, apology evident in his voice.  "We've been making out for a while now and up to now it was enough.  I enjoyed making out with you and while I haven't had penetrative sex in forever it was fine.  I think once I made up my mind that I was ready for a relationship, my brain decided that I was ready for more in the sex department.  I just hadn't put two and two together.  If the condom bowl was filled like it used to be, I think we would be having a different discussion right now,'  Brian said, feeling vulnerable admitting his thoughts.

Justin continued to lay next to Brian and gently ran his hand across his chest. "Thank you for being honest and sharing."  He kissed his chest lightly and lay back down.  "I like that idea.  If we had talked about it, we would have been better off.  But.... since we waited, we had to deal with all this angst.  I prefer talking.  Don't you?" 

"You like the idea?"  Brian asked.

"Duh.  who doesn't like sex?  And making out with you has been amazing so far.  I can't imagine what it would be like if we moved it to the next level,"  Justin said as his fingertip circled Brian's nipple.

"Oh,"  he opened his eyes and smiled the first smile since they walked into the bedroom. "Well.... Let me see if I can dig up a condom and some lube,"  Brian said as he reluctantly rolled over and turned toward his nightstand, rummaging for some lube and condoms.  "Damn!!  Nothing in here."  He reluctantly got out of bed and went into the bathroom, looking under the sink and in the linen closet.  After a few minutes, he yelled, "Success.  I knew I threw out all my liquor but I didn't think I threw out my supply of condoms and lube."  He walked back into the bedroom and laid the supplies on the nightstand.  He sat back down on the bed and said, " You sure about this?"

"I'm sure. He grabbed Brian's hand and placed it on his growing erection.  "I'm very sure.  Now come down here and kiss me," Justin demanded.

Brian did as he was told and soon their earlier discussion was forgotten as they enjoyed each other's bodies and their renewed passion as they kissed, touched, and explored each other. Soon Brian reached for the condom and lube and pulled away from Justin's eager mouth. 

"We're good?"  he asked before flipping the cap of the tube.

"We're good,"  Justin said as he placed his body at an angle where Brian could easily reach his center. 

Brian prepared him, taking time to ensure Justin was ready for him.  Justin grabbed the foil package and ripped it open, placing the condom on Brian's leaking erection, signaling his readiness. Justin lay on his back and Brian placed his legs on top of his shoulders.  Soon he was inside Justin, leaning down for kisses and thrusting into the tight body. Within a short time, both men were reaching the release of orgasm, Brian cumming into the condom and Justin shooting between their bodies.  Brian reached for the bottom of the condom, holding it in place while he withdrew from Justin's body, laying on his back after he tied the condom in a knot and dropped it in the trash by the side of the bed.

"Wow!  Just wow,"  Brian said as his heart rate returned to its normal level.

Justin lay next to him, enjoying his post-orgasmic high.  After a few minutes, he said, "I'm going to grab a wet towel."  He left the bed and grabbed a towel from the linen closet.  Since he had showered there, he knew where to find the linens.  He cleaned himself up and then brought the warm cloth to Brian so he could do the same. 

After Brian cleaned himself, he took the cloth into the bathroom and tossed it in the corner, and then returned to the bed where Justin was pulling the sheet on top of his body.

Brian climbed in and scooted next to Justin, draping his arm across his abdomen, and closed his eyes, falling asleep very quickly.  Justin followed Brian into dreamland and the two of them slept till Gus woke them up the next morning when he banged on their door.

"Dad.  Dad.  You guys are going to sleep forever.  We have stuff to do today.  If you guys don't get up, we won't have time to do it all,"  Gus yelled through the closed door.

Brian ran his hand over his face as he sat up in bed and yawned.  Looking at the clock on the nightstand, he saw that it was after 9:00, late for him to still be sleeping.  Looking down, he saw Justin, curled on his side, sleeping peacefully through Gus' wake-up call.  Grabbing a pair of boxer

s he put them on before opening the door and walking out to the living area.

"Justin's still asleep,'  Brian said quietly.

"Sorry, Dad,"  Gus said as he took in his father's state of undress.  "Were you asleep too?  You're usually dressed, showered, and raring to go on a Sunday morning."

"Yeah, I was asleep, but that's okay.  Let me go wake up Justin and we'll grab a quick shower.  Then we can go start our adventure for today,"   Brian said.  Before returning to the bedroom, he veered toward the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.  He knew both he and Justin would benefit from the caffeine. 

After the coffee started brewing he walked back into the bedroom, gently closing the door before getting on the bed to wake up Justin.  He leaned over the sleeping body and gently shook it while speaking his name.  "Justin.  Justin.  Time to get up,"  he said.

Justin moaned and attempted to open his eyes but the brightness of the light streaming in from the window was too much and he grabbed his pillow and pulled it over his head.

Brian laughed.  "It's after 9:00 and Gus is raring to go.  Time to get up," Brian said as he pulled the pillow off Justin's head and kissed his cheek.

Justin opened his eyes, orienting himself to his surroundings. While he had slept in Brian's bed for the last few nights, he was still not used to waking up in his bed.  "Oh....  Gus...  Got it,"  he murmured, trying to get his brain functioning.  "Coffee?"

"Brewing," Brian said, finding Justin's one-word utterances interesting after all the talking they had been doing of late.

Justin fully opened his eyes and his brain finally started to register where he was.  "I need a shower.  Join me?" he asked, hoping Brian would say yes.

Before he could answer, Gus opened the door and said, "Dad.  Justin.  I'm starving.  Can we cook breakfast sometime in this century?"

Brian shook his head and whispered to Justin, " I guess a repeat of last night is off the table for now."

Justin smiled and nodded.  "But I still need a shower."

"Sonny Boy. Go grab a banana or some juice. We need to grab a shower before we start cooking."

"Okay.  But hurry up.  I'm really hungry."

"Close the door, Sonny Boy.  We'll be out in a bit,"  Brian said.

"Come on, sleepy head.  We need to shower and get ready.  I have one really hungry little boy who will not wait very long,"  Brian said as he watched Justin reluctantly get out of bed. 

Justin walked to the bathroom as he scratched his head and ran his hand over his face while yawning widely.  "What time is it?"

"It's after 9:00.  I told you that.  You really aren't a morning person are you?"  Brian said as he turned on the water in the shower. 

Justin used the toilet and waited for Brian to signal that the shower was ready for them.  Justin went to Brian and gave him a quick kiss before entering the glass enclosure.

"It's a shame Gus is hungry and eager for us to get out of here,"  Brian said as he grabbed the soap.  He lathered the soap in his hands and proceeded to soap up Justin.

"Oh well, we'll just have to take advantage of the shower at a time when he's not around,"  Justin said, giving Brian a full-watt smile.

"Indeed.  I like the way you think,"  Brian said as he handed the soap to Justin so he could soap up Brian.  "We will just have to remedy this problem soon,"  he joked and then grabbed the hose on the shower head to rinse Justin off.  Justin followed suit and then they each washed their own hair.

Despite their desire to linger in the shower, they were finished in under 15 minutes and both men dressed quickly, and then joined Gus in the kitchen where Gus was taking breakfast items out of the fridge.

"I cut up some peppers and tore some cheese for an omelet.  I don't have a recipe for pancakes, but I guess we could go look something up,"  Gus said as he waved toward the ingredients laid out on the island.

Justin looked at the items and asked, "Do you have any mushrooms or black olives?  Those go well in omelets."

"I think we have some mushrooms in a can, but I don't think we've ever bought black olives.  We can put them on the list for when Dad and I go shopping next time.  Are you going to help me cook breakfast next week too?"  Gus asked, eager to include Justin in everything they did.

Justin wasn't sure how to answer that question.  He didn't want to assume that Brian would want him there every night or even every weekend.  Even though they had been together and now were officially dating, he didn't want to leap into full togetherness from the start.  He said, "I'll help you cook again, but I don't know if I'll be here next weekend.  That's a long way away,"  Justin answered, hoping he would be back but unsure if that was a good idea.

"Oh," Gus said, his voice dropping lower after hearing Justin's reply. 

Brian saw Gus' disappointment and said, "I'm sure Justin would be happy to make breakfast with us at some time in the future. Right, Justin?"

Justin was surprised at how quickly an innocent question could become filled with uncertainty.  "Absolutely.  But right now, I understand that you are starving and we don't want you wasting away before our eyes.  Let's get these eggs cracked and the skillet heating up."  Justin grabbed the mixing bowl from the shelf and placed the skillet on the burner and turned it on a low heat.  "Why don't you put a little butter in the pan and let it sizzle? Then you can crack the eggs.  I'll put your dad on vegetable duty and he can cut up the veggies and find some spices to put in the omelet."

The three of them worked efficiently under Justin's tutelage and soon they were sitting down to omelets, toast, juice, and coffee for Brian and Justin.  They ate and laughed about the many dirty bowls and utensils it took to fix a simple breakfast.  After they were done, they cleaned up and loaded the dishwasher.

"So, can we go to see Justin's show?  You said we could go if it was early.  You guys slept so late.  Is it still early enough?" Gus asked, hoping to see the show.

Justin looked at the clock on the stove and said, "Sure.  It's only 11:00 and the afternoon crowds don't come till about 1:30 or 2:00.  The gallery opens at 11:00 so we would be getting there pretty early."

Gus made fists with both of his hands and shook them in victory. "Cool."

"Grab your bag, Gus.  After we see the exhibit, we'll grab some lunch, and then it will be about time for you to go to Deb's,"  Brian directed.

"Dad, do you think I could ever stay here during the week?  I mean this summer I'm supposed to go to art camp and I won't have school on Monday morning."

"I don't know.  That is a long way off.  It's something I would have to think about and I'd have to talk to your mother about it,"  Brian answered quickly, surprised by Gus' request.

"It's only a few months away.  I could talk to her about it," Gus offered.

"No.  I'll talk to her,"  Brian answered quickly.  He did not want Gus to bring up the idea as he thought it might not go over very well.

"Okay," Gus said and went to his room to gather his bag and schoolwork.

"I'm going to grab my bag too.  I've got to go home tonight,"  Justin said as he headed toward the bedroom.

Brian was surprised by Justin's statement and wanted nothing more than to question him about it, but knew he couldn't do it at this time.  Instead, he said, "Okay."  He waited for both of them to grab their gear and meet him in the living room.

The afternoon was spent at the exhibit where Gus looked at all the entries and he and Justin talked at length about the different pieces of artwork.  Brian watched from the sidelines enjoying watching the two of them interact and was thrilled about Gus' obvious interest in all the works at the exhibit. It was after 2:00 when they left and as Brian promised, they grabbed a late lunch and then dropped Gus off at Debbie's for the Sunday family dinner.

Justin followed Brian to their Sunday night AA meeting and since they were there early, he joined Brian in his car to visit for a bit before they needed to go inside.

"I had a great weekend,"  Justin said as he adjusted the seat.

"I can't believe your opening is over.  It just seems that you've been talking about it forever. And now you can relax for a few days,"  Brian said, unbuckling his seat belt and turning toward Justin.  "I had a great weekend too.  But you're going home after the meeting?"  He hesitated but then added, "I thought we talked about everything."

"Brian, as much as I enjoyed the weekend and spending time with you and Gus, I have to work.  I have a studio, commitments, and things I have to do.  I can't do that if I spend all my time with you,"  Justin explained.

"I have to work too.  But not till tomorrow.  You could go home when you got up in the morning,"  Brian said, offering an alternative that he hoped would appeal to Justin.

"I could, but I think we need some time apart.  And before you get all freaked out, there is nothing wrong.  I'm very happy about our weekend... All of it.  But remember what we talked about a while back, new relationships are like drinking.  They feel so good.  They give you a high or adrenaline rush just like drinking does.  I know both of us are really excited about this new level of intimacy that we experienced this weekend but we really should take it slow," Justin said, explaining his decision. 

Brian looked at Justin and nodded.  "But when will we hook up again?  Fuck, I sound just like a stupid teenager."  Brian ran his hand through his hair and looked out at the parking lot.

"Brian...."  Justin said, gently.  He leaned over and placed his hand on Brian's thigh.  "We talked about this.  You are not a teenager and it's okay to want to be with me.  It's normal.  I would be upset if you weren't wanting to be with me.  I would start to wonder if I was good enough.  Listen to us, two scared men - eager to please each other and feeling awkward about expressing that desire."

"You sure?  You aren't upset about last night and this is your way of bowing out?"  Brian asked, needing reassurance.

"Brian, I loved last night.  It was amazing. You're amazing.  But, I do have things to do at home.  I haven't been home in almost a week.  I have laundry to do and my plants need watering I think I might have left dirty dishes in the sink and who knows what the apartment will smell like if that's the case.  I know I need to take out the trash too.  You know, stuff that has to be done.  As for when I will see you, probably Tuesday.  Tomorrow, you're meeting with Cleo and we don't usually see each other."

Brian nodded and said, "Okay.  Point made.  Tuesday it is.  I guess we better get inside or we'll miss the start of the meeting."  Brian leaned over and gave Justin a kiss on the lips, hoping that there were no participants in the parking lot to witness the exchange.

They attended the meeting where the leader talked about living one day at a time.  Brian listened intently, applying the message to his current situation.  After the meeting, the two men walked out together. 

"Could I interest you in dinner before you head out?"  Brian asked, hoping to postpone Justin's departure.

"Sure.  I have to eat.  I haven't been home for a few days, so I don't have much food.  I tend to only buy a few days' worth at a time.  What about going to the diner around the corner?"  Justin said, teasing Brian about not having been home.

"Meet you there,"  Brian said and he got in his car and drove to the diner.

They chose a booth in the back and picked up the menus from the steel rack on the edge of the table.  "It seems like forever since we ate here.  I guess I got used to us cooking together." Brian said as he looked at the menu.

"True.  But sometimes I don't want to cook.  And I surely don't want to go to the grocery to pick out food tonight.  I know I've got a bunch of stuff I've got to do before I head to bed."

Brian felt a little guilty at Justin's admission.  "Are you sure you want to eat?  You could just have gone home."

"Brian.  Stop.  I wanted to come to eat with you.  I'm not punishing you by going home and not hanging out with you tonight.  As I said earlier, I have a life, and shit like bills to be paid, taking out the trash, and doing the laundry all have to be taken care of.  No matter that I'd like nothing better than to say forget it and go home with you, I have to go home to my apartment,"  Justin chastised Brian again.  "Now, if you don't quit, I will leave and then you really will have something to complain about.  Let's enjoy dinner and then we will part ways for tonight.  It's not the end of the world." 

Brian nodded and realized he was being like Gus, wanting his way and pouting when he didn't get it.  Shaking his head to clear it, he said, "So what are you going to have?  I think I'll have the pot roast.  Something different."

"That is different, but I think I'll have the fried fish.  I haven't had that for a while,"  Justin said.  They gave their orders to the waitress and each man prepared the coffee that she had poured before taking their orders.

"Tonight's topic was interesting.  One day at a time.  Here I am asking about when I'm going to see you again and I forget to live in the moment,"  Brian said.

"You know it's okay to look forward to new and different things, but yeah, living in the moment is pretty important.  It goes the other way too.  If you're struggling, you just have to get through that moment and then the next moment and the next,"  Justin said, adding his thoughts.  "We have to live one day at a time and that is especially true in early recovery."

"You know, there are days that I don't even think about drinking and then there are days that is all I think about it.  Well, not all, but alcohol intrudes on my thoughts more often on some days,'  Brian said, admitting that he still thought about drinking.

"I get it.  And sure it happens, but I bet you'll find that you don't think about it nearly as often as you did, say six months ago,"  Justin said as he waved at the waitress to refill his coffee.

"Right.  I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to.  Like I said the other night, I just thought it was me and I was kind of relieved that you still have thoughts about drinking.  I guess we will always need to be mindful of the past,"  Brian said, thinking about his past drinking. 

"Don't go getting all morose on me.  Admitting you have a problem goes a long way to maintaining your sobriety.  You've done a lot of work in that area and I'm really proud of you.  I'm happy to be in a relationship with you,'  Justin said, reaching out his hand and giving Brian's hand a squeeze.

"Me too.  I would never have thought that I would want a relationship, but the thought of not seeing you and hanging out with you feels wrong. Did I tell you that Gus asked if we were getting married?  Right after I asked him his thoughts about you spending the night, he asked if we were getting married."

Justin was surprised by Brian's admission and asked, "And how did you respond?  I mean I'm not asking if you are proposing.  Fuck.  That didn't come out right either."  Justin ran his hand over his head and closed his eyes.  Taking a deep sigh, he opened his eyes and tried again.  "I mean.... I'm sure you weren't ready for that question. I... ah... You...." Justin stammered.

"Relax, Justin.  I told him that you were spending the night and that did not mean we were getting married,"  Brian said, grinning a little.  "However, he did get me thinking."

Justin looked at Brian, eyebrows raised and questions bubbling up trying their very best to be asked.

"And what were you thinking?  I mean, we were just talking one day at a time."

Brian looked at Justin, vacillating between sharing his thoughts and keeping them to himself.  He smiled at Justin, hoping the food would arrive so he could think about his answer. Was he ready to share his thoughts or did he want to keep them close?  Did Justin really want to know what he wrote about in his journal?  What would Justin think if he shared his thoughts?  What would Gus or Ted think?  He wasn't sure what he should do. 

The food arrived and he took a bite of his pot roast, mulling the questions in his head.

TBC