Chapter 21

"Me too.  I would never have thought that I would want a relationship, but the thought of not seeing you and hanging out with you feels wrong. Did I tell you that Gus asked if we were getting married?  Right after I asked him his thoughts about you spending the night, he asked if we were getting married."

Justin was surprised by Brian's admission and asked, "And how did you respond?  I mean I'm not asking if you are proposing.  Fuck.  That didn't come out right either."  Justin ran his hand over his head and closed his eyes.  Taking a deep sigh, he opened his eyes and tried again.  "I mean.... I' sure you weren't ready for that question. I... ah... You...." Justin stammered.

"Relax, Justin.  I told him that you were spending the night and that did not mean we were getting married,"  Brian said, grinning a little.  "However, he did get me thinking."

Justin looked at Brian, eyebrows raised and questions bubbling up trying their very best to be asked.

"And what were you thinking?  I mean, we were just talking one day at a time."

Brian looked at Justin, vacillating between sharing his thoughts and keeping them to himself.  He smiled at Justin, hoping the food would arrive so he could think about his answer. Was he ready to share his thoughts or did he want to keep them close?  Did Justin really want to know what he wrote about in his journal?  What would Justin think if he shared his thoughts?  What would Gus or Ted think?  He wasn't sure what he should do. 

The food arrived and he took a bite of his pot roast, mulling the questions in his head.

Chapter 22

Justin didn't push Brian for an answer, even though he was eager to hear Brian's thoughts.  He cut a bit of the fish with his fork and then placed it on the fork and brought it to his mouth.  He could smell the slightly fishy smell mingled with the oil and light batter the fish was cooked in.  He'd never really eaten a lot of fish until a few years ago when he had been dating a man who didn't eat meat.  He wasn't really a vegetarian but he didn't think that the cost of raising cattle was a good return for the earth.  He ate eggs, cheese, fish, and pretty much everything else, just not meat.  He'd introduced Justin to a lot of fish dishes and surprisingly Justin had found many of them very good.  Once their relationship had ended, he had reverted to eating meat and chicken again and now only occasionally ate fish.  But tonight, the fish on the menu made his taste buds water in anticipation and he was glad he chose it for dinner.  He ate several bites paying more attention to his dinner than his dinner companion, allowing Brian to work through whatever struggles he was experiencing in giving Justin an answer.  Justin hoped that he would not skirt the question and at least attempt a conversation about the topic.

"What do I think?  Journaling is a great exercise in stream of consciousness,"  Brian said, introducing his answer.

Justin chose not to comment, recognizing Brian's tactic of delaying answering the question.  He cut off another piece of fish and ate it, followed by a sip of his coffee.

"I think.... Marriage has never been on my radar, having lived through my childhood and seeing the absolute worst example of two people living together and pretending to the world that marriage is sacrosanct."

Justin nodded as he remembered that Brian had mentioned a few times that his parent's marriage was a sham.

Brian took another bite of his stew and chewed the meat slowly before continuing.  "However, I do have some other thoughts on the subject."

Justin raised his eyebrows again and waved his hand slightly encouraging Brian to continue.

"1.  I don't think Gus has a real notion of what marriage entails.  All he knows is his moms are married and so are his Uncle Ted and Uncle Blake.  These people are part of his everyday life and they are generally happy.  He has two moms and it would be cool to have two dads.  I think he equates marriage with having a partner and being happy.  Now, I would guess that Ted and Blake are pretty happy, but I often wonder about Gus's mothers but we are not discussing those women at this time."

Justin did not remember Brian ever mentioning that Gus' moms were unhappy and this was a piece of information he filed away for another time. The statement about two dads was another interesting thought that Justin had not thought about.

"2.  I'm not the only one who has no idea of what marriage entails.  I have no reference regarding a successful marriage or why anyone would particularly want to be married.  After all, marriage is a heterosexual institution designed to align families and to guarantee that a man's children are his biological descendants.  Gay marriage does neither of those. There are prenuptial agreements basically stating that whatever each party brings to the marriage is theirs if the marriage craps out."

"True.  Marriage originated as a way to bind two families and to guarantee a man's children were his own.  But gay marriage provides the partners with the legal rights that heterosexual marriage offers,"  Justin countered.

"Domestic partnerships can do the same thing.  But we are not debating the merits of gay marriage tonight.  You asked me my thoughts and I want to add one more.  While I'm not sure how I feel about marriage or even if I would ever consider it, I do know that I want to be in a relationship with you."  He picked up his cup of coffee and finished it, waving for the waitress to refill his cup. 

"I'm okay with dating and have decided that regardless of what happens between the two of us, you are very important to me and I want you around for a long time,"  Brian finished his discourse on the thoughts of marriage.

"I can live with that answer.  I want you around for a long time too,"  Justin said smiling at Brian. 

"As for marriage or anything else, we will take it one day at a time," Brian said, referring to their earlier meeting. 

Both men returned their attention to their respective dinners for a few minutes, having addressed Justin's question. 

"We good?"  Justin asked, wanting to ensure that Brian was actually okay with his decision to go home instead of spending another night with him.

Brian nodded.  "Yes.  I don't like that you are going home instead of coming with me, but I get it.  The most important part is that we are on the same page.  We both want us and as for the rest of it, we'll figure it out."  He waved to the waitress for their check, finished the last of his coffee, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

Justin finished his meal as well and they both walked up to the register in  front of the diner to pay their respective bills. They walked out to the parking lot and Brian walked with Justin to his car.  He turned and gathered him in his arms giving him a strong hug.  Justin hugged back and said, "Have a good night, Brian."  He pulled apart from the embrace and gave Brian a quick kiss on the lips, opened his door, and closed it quickly, half fearing he would drop his resolve to go home and take care of some of the necessities of life.  He pulled on his seat belt and watched as Brian walked toward his car.  He sighed and drove toward his home as Brian unlocked his car to do the same.

*********

When Brian woke on Monday morning, he subconsciously reached for Justin, disappointed that he was not there.  The move surprised him as he didn't think waking up to Justin in his bed for three days in a row would have made such a quick imprint on him.  He ran his hand over his face and thought about their dinner the previous night.  Intellectually he understood why Justin went home but his emotions did not like what his brain told him.  He quickly chastised himself for acting like a lovesick teenager but then just as quickly he remembered Cleo's and Justin's directives that he was not a teenager and it was perfectly natural for him to be thinking about Justin and missing him.  He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text.

"Good morning.  Hope you got your adulting accomplished.  Have a great day."  Brian hit send and went to the bathroom to get ready for his day.  He didn't expect a response for several hours, knowing Justin was not a morning person.

Work was busy as Kinnetik had signed a new client the previous week.  Brian had several client meetings and met with Ted regarding the monthly outlook on sales.  He also had a meeting with Cynthia to discuss upcoming performance reviews and other HR concerns.  Before he realized it, it was time for him to leave and attend his weekly AA meeting with Cleo.  He bid Ted and Cynthia goodbye and drove to the meeting.  Looking around the parking lot as he usually did, he saw Cleo's car and made his way inside, finding his sponsor quickly.

They hugged briefly and Cleo grabbed a cup of coffee from the industrial coffee pot and Brian picked up a bottle of water.

"How are you, Brian?  Have a good weekend?  Wasn't Justin's show this weekend?"  Cleo asked, having not heard from Brian in a few days.  He had left it up to Brian to set the schedule for them to check in and while Brian usually did so every few days, he sometimes did not do so.  At this point in his sobriety, Cleo was not concerned that Brian would hesitate to reach out if there were problems. 

"Justin's show was good, but many things happened in the last few days."

Before Brian could continue his explanation, the leader called the group to order.  Tonight's topic was   "H.A.L.T."  Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Brian listened intently as this was a new topic for him.  After the meeting, he and Cleo drove to their favorite haunt, the diner around the corner from the meeting. 

As usual, they chose their own table and picked a table toward the back of the diner.  They picked up the menu from the steel frame at the edge of the table and each man reviewed the menu, choosing something to eat.  It was comforting and normal to have this routine they shared together. 

After ordering, Cleo asked, "It seemed that you were going to share some things before the meeting, do you want to talk about anything?"

"I would say you were clairvoyant, but I did say a lot happened. I won't go into all the details, but after the Woody's incident, Justin called me on my way home.  He missed me too and wanted to come over.  I told him about the incident at Woody's and then proceeded to ask him to spend the night. It never occurred to me to ask before and I `used to hate waking up to a strange guy in my bed.  But I found it really nice.  In fact, he stayed the next three nights,"  Brian didn't go into details, feeling it was unnecessary.

"So what does that mean for you, Brian?"  Cleo asked, not wanting to guide Brian in his answers but rather leaving the question somewhat open-ended so he could decide how he wanted to answer it.

"In many ways, it feels like it's been a long time since we met up to talk about my aborted effort to visit Woody's and in other ways, it seems like just yesterday.  I know it's only been a few days but I think I've made some big breakthroughs in my journey.  When I think about Woody's I realize that I am strong.  I have power over my decisions and while I may always think about turning to the bottle when things get out of hand, I realize I am in control."

"You are in control and you get to choose if you will allow the liquor to control you,"  Cleo said, hoping Brian would be willing to continue talking and sharing about the last few days.

"I attended a meeting the other night and the topic was about dating and relationships.  Actually, there were two meetings back to back, different groups, but they were both talking about relationships and dating.  Bottom line, my takeaway is that you shouldn't start a relationship unless you are confident in your sobriety. I think that Woody's aborted visit gave me the confidence that I knew I could be in control of my destiny. I know, it's only 1 incident and there will be others.  But realizing that I made the decision to leave and call you makes me feel really strong and gives me confidence."

"It's good to hear you talk so positively about your journey.  So... I take it this means that you've made some decisions about dating?"  Cleo asked as the waitress delivered their food.

Brian waited until the waitress placed his plate on the table and cut a piece of meatloaf before saying, "Yes.  I feel I have a good handle on my sobriety and am ready to pursue dating Justin."

"We've talked a lot about dating and I've encouraged you to think about what you want from this relationship.  I assume from your statement that you have an answer to that question,"  Cleo said as he took a bite of his burger.  It was a little bland so he opened the ketchup bottle and put some sauce on the burger.  He took another small bite and nodded that the taste had improved.

"I've done a lot of thinking, writing, and even talked to Justin about that issue.  My answer is that I want him in my life and I miss him when he isn't there.  I can't answer if that means dating, living together, or marriage at some point in the future, but for right now, it means that I want to date him and see our relationship grow."  Brian smiled as he declared that he was in a dating relationship.  He would have never thought those words would come out of his mouth nor could he ever imagine that he would be eager to share this information with anyone, but he had changed and he was happy to talk about his new life.

"I'm happy for you.  You've been struggling ever since I met you in this area, trying to figure out if you were dating, if you wanted to date, what it meant to date, etc.  I'm really happy that you have worked through your thoughts and feelings.  Having a partner that cares for you is really important."

Brian ate some more of his meatloaf and said, "Yes,  And the feeling is mutual.  Justin likes me for who I am, not for what I can give him.  I like that too."  Brian and Cleo ate for a  little longer and then Brian asked, "Cleo are you married?  In a relationship?"

Cleo didn't usually volunteer anything about his personal life but if he were asked he was happy to share.  "Yes.  I've been married for 15 years."

"15 years.  Wow.  I am only now accepting that dating is something I want to pursue, I don't think I can wrap my head around being with the same person for 15 years,"  Brian said and then took another bite of his meatloaf.

Cleo laughed but then asked Brian,  "Why did you decide that you were okay with dating?"

"I realized that I miss Justin when I don't spend time with him,"  Brian answered quickly without a moment's hesitation.

"Okay.  So you decided that you like being with him and knowing that he is around, how do you think that would be different in 6 months, 12 months, next year, 5 years from now, etc?"  Cleo asked, challenging Brian's statement without being confrontational. 

"Oh,"  Brian said, realizing what Cleo was alluding to.  "You're saying that long-term relationships survive as the people still want to be together and like being around each other.  It sounds so easy, but is it really that simple?" 

"Being with another person is never easy.  It's similar to sobriety.  You have to work at it.  Every day you make a conscious decision to stay away from liquor and every day you make a conscious decision to stay with your partner,"  Cleo explained, going into more detail with Brian due to his lack of relationship history.

"Relationships are like sobriety? There are no 12-step groups for relationships.  If it were that hard, why would anyone stay together?"  Brian asked, finding the conversation very interesting.

"Let me back up.  Relationships are similar to AA but instead of being bad for you, they can be very good for you.  Studies show that men in relationships have better health and are generally happier than those who are single.  However, with relationships, you can't put everything on autopilot.  Sure, any person in recovery knows that the first drink is always around the corner.  There could be any trigger that makes us decide that drinking is okay and a good alternative to not drinking.  We are always aware that it exists. 

In that way, relationships are different.  I don't think anyone wakes up and says to themselves, today I'm going to stop wanting my significant other around.  But when two people are in a relationship they think about the other person. They consider their feelings, their likes, and dislikes.  It's a partnership and when two people are in a relationship, they have made the decision to be together, to share their lives.  Mind you, it doesn't mean that their lives have to be spent together 100% of the time, just that they want the other person to be in it." 

Cleo stopped talking and let his statements sink in for a bit before he continued.  He had talked about dating and relationships many times as a sponsor and each time it had a different take.  Sometimes he was talking about forgiveness and trust, helping his sponsoree understand how they needed to ask for forgiveness and regain the trust of their partner.  He'd help some people understand how their actions had hurt their partner and the relationship.  He'd also helped some individuals understand the dangers of jumping into a relationship too soon and on the other side of the coin being too scared to try a new relationship.  And then there were those people like Brian who had no reference regarding what a healthy relationship looked like and therefore no idea what maintaining one would entail. 

"Justin and I have talked about that a few times.  Dating is getting to know a person but a relationship goes further.  You want the person to be involved in your life.  You want to do things with them and share things with them.  I wanted to go to Justin's opening, not because I'm a huge art fan, but because I wanted to support him and see his work.  Prior to meeting Justin, I would never have gone to an opening and now I've been to two in the last 6 months."

"Right.  You wanted to support him.  You also struggled with not seeing him, even though you knew he was busy with work.  You missed him and almost chose to have a drink as a result.  But you chose sobriety instead.  Relationships take awareness and sometimes that is a lot of work, especially if you have never thought about another person's needs. That's what I mean when I say that they are a lot of work.  You do not need to be hyper-vigilant every waking moment, but you do need to think about your partner and they need to think about your needs as well,"  Cleo said, deciding that he had spoken enough.  He returned to his dinner and ate some salad, mixing the dressing into the large bowl.

Brian thought about Cleo's words as he finished his meal, not speaking but turning them around in his head.  When he was finished with his meatloaf and had drunk all of his coffee, he waved to the waitress to refill his coffee.  After she left he said,  "I guess everything in life is a lot of work.  I worked hard to get good grades so I could leave home and gain a scholarship to college.  I worked hard in college so I could get an excellent internship and a good job offer after graduation and I worked hard to start my business.  Now, I'm working hard to maintain my sobriety and it appears that I will have to work to keep my relationship going.  I never realized that hard work would be something I would willingly do outside my professional life."

"Are you happy with your life, Brian?"  Cleo asked, changing gears slightly.

Brian sat back in his chair, looking at Cleo, and wondered where he was going with the question.  "Sure.  I have a great business and a wonderful son. I'm sober and I evidently, am starting a relationship.  What isn't to be happy about?" Brian listed all the things that he was happy with, surprised at the long list.

"Would you have said you were happy before you stopped drinking?"

"I would have said yes, but I think that would be a half-truth.  I think that I thought I was happy, but now looking back I realize that what I thought was a great life was not.  I drank so that I didn't have to face all the things that I didn't like.  I didn't have a deep relationship with my son and I spent all my free time in bars and having sex,"  Brian answered honestly, somewhat surprised at the quickness of his response.

"You're happier now?"  Cleo asked, bringing his point to the center of the conversation.

"Sure.  I have a fuller life and a direction.  I like that,"  Brian said.

"Did you work hard to get here?"  Cleo asked.

"I get it.  Happiness takes work just like having a successful business or good grades.  I have to work at my own life not just let it slide,"  Brian took a drink of his coffee after putting sugar and cream in it making it a light brown color rather than the dark black it was when it was poured.

"Right.  How do you feel about that?  Is it scary?"  Cleo asked, pushing Brian to think a little more on the subject.

"Not really.  I mean I've been working on my sobriety for 10+ months.  I think it was scary at first, but I realized I have a lot of people who care about my success.  I've been dating for a few months now and while I just admitted to being in a relationship, I've slowly worked on that as well.  It's not like I'm going skydiving and jumping out of an airplane.  I also know that there will be bumps in the road and I believe that I have the skills to handle those bumps."  Brian said, proud of his accomplishments and glad that Cleo had brought up the topic. 

 "Good. But remember, there will be bumps in the road and I'm always here to help you with the bumps.  Life is messy, Brian.  Don't get overconfident and believe that there will never be another night where you find yourself in front of Woody's or a liquor store or at a banquet where there is liquor.  It will happen again and you need to think about your strategies and your skills so that you don't take that first drink,"  Cleo said, deciding that Brian was in a good place. 

"I think we are done for tonight and I would like to get home to my wife. All this talk about relationships has made me think about her."  Cleo waved toward the waitress and she brought the checks, placing them on the table.  Cleo picked them up and reviewed them quickly, giving Brian the one for the meatloaf and keeping the other.  They went to the front of the diner and paid their respective bills.

"Good night, Cleo, and thanks for the talk.  It was enlightening."  Brian said as he walked out of the restaurant.

"You're welcome.  See you next week and I will talk to you later this week."

Brian drove home, thinking about Cleo's talk and looking forward to talking with Justin again.  It was late, after 10:00 and while he was pretty certain that he was still awake he was not going to call him.  They had said it would be Tuesday and he would wait till tomorrow to see him. 

When he got home he placed his keys in the basket and decided he was ready for bed.  The last week had taken its toll on him and he was tired.  He got ready for bed and soon he was asleep.

The week went by quickly.  Justin and Brian hooked up at their Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday meeting.  After Thursday's meeting, they were cooking at Justin's apartment and discussing the upcoming dinner party. 

"Is Gus ready for dinner tomorrow? Molly called me today and verified the time and the address.  She's excited about coming.  She said it does feel a little weird coming to dinner at your house when you are dating me.  It's sort of like meeting the inlaws except she's already met you,"  Justin said, putting the last spices on the chicken before placing the pan in the oven.

" I hadn't thought about it that way, but if she is uncomfortable, she can always come at a different time,"  Brian said as he finished cutting up the broccoli and placing it in the steamer.

"No.  She's looking forward to it. She wants to meet Gus.  After all, he's kind of the reason we met.  Besides, as she puts it she wants to meet the kid that changed your life,"  Justin said, sharing the information with Brian.

"I guess I can see that.  I met her before I knew she was your sister.  Remember, I went to Boros Law to ensure I had rights to Gus.  It was only later that I realized that the painting hanging in their lobby was one of yours,"  Brian reminded Justin, giving him a light kiss on the lips as he placed the pot on the burner so the broccoli could steam later.  It was too early to put the broccoli on right now as it would be mush by the time the chicken was done.  They would put it on right as the timer went off for the chicken.  That way it would be lightly steamed as they were taking the chicken out and setting the table.  They had the steps down to a science.

"I know she'll love Gus.  He's a good kid.  I wonder how everyone else will react to Molly?  I've met everyone, but they've never met her.  I hope Lindsay will not start in on the art gallery stuff,"  Justin commented, moving to pour himself some coffee from the pot they had started earlier.

"Yeah, that shit she pulled calling your agent was pure Lindsay.  Always thinking that she has some magical pull over things and that she can influence people.  She loves to name drop,"  Brian said.  "But let's not talk about Lindsay right now.  I think we can come up with better things to do while the food cooks,"  Brian said as he pulled Justin to him, opening his mouth for a deep kiss.

Justin returned the kiss and enjoyed the scent and taste of Brian.  Pulling away, he said, "Let's turn down the chicken. This might take longer than the chicken to finish."

Brian reached for the control on the oven and turned it down to 250 from 350 and said, "That should keep it from turning into shoe leather and give us some time.  Let's move this out of the kitchen."

They moved to Justin's bedroom where they explored each other's bodies.  When they had both recovered from their intense orgasms, Brian asked, "Are you planning to stay tomorrow night after the dinner party?"

"I hoped you would ask.  Sure, I can stay.  If you take Gus to the store tomorrow afternoon, pick up some ingredients for pancakes and we can make them on Saturday morning,"  Justin said, rolling over to give Brian another kiss on the lips. "Thanks for not pushing this week for me to stay over every night.  While I love spending the night, I had a lot to do, but the weekend is clear.  It will be fun."  Justin's stomach rumbled and Brian laughed.  " I guess that means that we need to turn the heat up in the kitchen as well as the bedroom and eat."

Justin laughed and went to the bathroom, wet a cloth with warm water, and cleaned up.  Then he got a warm cloth for Brian and brought that to him as well.  Soon they were dressed and making the final prep for dinner. 

As Justin checked the chicken, he found that it was almost done as they had been in the bedroom for almost an hour.  Since it normally took only 30 minutes to cook fresh chicken, it was perfect timing.  They set the table and turned on the broccoli. By the time the broccoli was steamed, the chicken was done. 

They ate and talked about their day, enjoying each other's company.  Brian left at 10:00 and Justin said he would see him tomorrow.

Friday morning Gus was up earlier than normal and had poured his cereal and orange juice and was sitting at the table when Lindsay came down to the kitchen.

"You're up early.  Everything okay?"  She asked, surprised to see him this early on a school day.

"I'm just excited about the dinner tonight.  I can't wait for everybody to try my new dish and Emmett and I have a surprise dessert.  Justin and his sister Molly are going to be there and I can't wait to meet her.  Dad has taken her on a couple of fake dates, but this one won't be a fake date.  I can't wait for school to be out so Dad and I can go shopping for the food and Emmett and I can start cooking,"  Gus said as he finished his juice and started scooping some cereal on his spoon.

"Justin and Molly will be there.  How interesting,"  Lindsay said, already plotting ways to get to know Justin Taylor better.  This was a golden opportunity.  But Lindsay couldn't figure out why his sister would be invited.  This was new and she would have to do some digging.  She was glad that her day was light.  Maybe she could dig up something on this Molly.

"I packed my lunch and Tommy's mom is picking me up today.  It's her day for carpool.  Love you,"  Gus said and he was out the door before Lindsay could ask him any more questions.

She would just have to wait and Lindsay did not like waiting.

TBC