The next month was uneventful. Brian and Justin spent three or four nights a week together. Since Brian's place was bigger and provided more privacy, they usually stayed there. However, occasionally Brian consented to stay with Justin in his apartment. Brian met with Cleo on Monday evenings so he did not see Justin on those days. On Sunday evening, Justin went home since he had spent the entire weekend with Brian, and on Thursday he usually stayed in his apartment as well. Brian had come to accept that Justin couldn't spend every night with him, but he still missed him.
They had left their latest meeting and Brian had received his gold chip for maintaining his sobriety for 10 months. Every time he earned a new chip, they celebrated by going out to dinner rather than cooking dinner themselves. Tonight was no different. They had chosen an Outback Steak House rather than the local diner. After placing their orders, Brian took out his latest chip, placing it on the table.
"10 months. I'm proud of you, Brian," Justin said as he picked up the chip and fingered it in his hand.
"It is a long time, yet not. I can honestly say that I couldn't have done it without you," Brian said as he smiled widely at Justin. "I didn't really know what to expect when I walked into that AA meeting 10 months ago. I'm sure it did not include a relationship with you. I don't think I ever asked you why you came up to me that day. I mean there were three other people who said it was their first meeting. Not that I'm complaining, but I am curious."
Justin put down the gold chip and smiled at Brian. "Honestly, I don't have a clue. I'd gotten my Bronze Chip for 1 year of sobriety a few weeks before and knew I needed to move to the next step, Service. Passing the message on and supporting the mission is vital to continued sobriety. You know, walk the walk and talk the talk," Justin said, spouting a familiar PSA.
"You always were a sucker for following the rules. I wonder how you ever started drinking since you are always spouting off about the dangers of some activity or providing some public service announcement," Brian said, teasing Justin.
The waitress came to take their order and Brian ordered a steak, baked potato, and salad. Justin ordered the same.
"I'm pretty sure the PSAs were a direct result of my sobriety. I respect that rules and regulations are part of society. Alcoholism is a public health problem as is drug abuse. I think as a person in recovery, it is my duty to warn people about the real danger of drinking and doing drugs," Justin said, continuing his PSA.
"So, I'm actually your public service," Brian said, holding his hands over his heart in an exaggerated gesture.
Justin laughed. "I don't even think that deserves a response. But honestly, I remember seeing you by the coffee station, looking lost and ready to bolt. You seemed so vulnerable." Justin stopped for a moment and reached out for Brian's hand and picked it up, drawing it to his lips, and placing a gentle kiss on his fingers. "I still remember you sharing your story with the group about wrapping your car around a tree. I think what drew me to you was your story. You had a kid and you're gay. The thing is, you weren't trying to hide a fake marriage and had a kid out of that reunion. You were helping a friend have a kid and I think that unconsciously drew me in. Even though being gay is more accepted these days, there are guys that still have trouble coming out. I guess unconsciously I admired that."
Brian raised his eyebrows, showing his surprise. "You admired me for helping Lindsay have a kid?"
"It's not so much that I admired you for helping Lindsay, but I admired that you were out and proud. You told everyone in the group you were gay. It took me years to admit to my parents that I was gay and then .... Well you know how that worked out. Listening to your story, it seemed that you were drinking as a result of not having access to Gus because of your gay lifestyle. Of course, at that time I didn't know how all those things connected. Still, I think I was pulled toward the fact that you were a gay man who knew what he wanted and I liked that you were seeking help because you wanted to be there for Gus." Justin said, putting his thoughts in words. He was somewhat surprised that he and Brian had never discussed those first few weeks but was comfortable with their relationship at this point in time that it was not a problem to do so.
"But now that you know the truth, would you have still gone that path? Sure it was about protecting my access to Gus, but there is still so much more," Brian asked, finding the conversation a little unnerving. He picked up the gold chip and rolled it between his fingers.
"Coulda, shoulda, woulda? Hindsight is 20/20. If I could turn back time.... Brian, we can't change the past. We don't have a Delorean and I'm not Dr. Emmett Brown," Justin said, making reference to the "Back to the Future" trilogy. "I am a believer in Kismet. We were at the right place and the right time to meet. What we did with that chance meeting was up to us. You needed a sponsor and I was ready to move to the next step where I helped spread the AA mission."
"You sound like a damn missionary, spreading the gospel. The world according to Justin Taylor, master artist and reformed alcoholic," Brian teased holding his hands up in air quotes. "I don't know if I believe in kismet or the idea that you meet people when you are supposed to meet them, but I'm glad that you reached out to me, whatever your reason."
"I could ask you the same thing, you know. Why did you accept my offer?" Justin said, hoping to get some additional insight into Brian.
"Like you said, I was lost and continually fought with myself the whole evening not to walk out the door. The entire time I was in the meeting, I thought it was a mistake that I showed up. I thought that AA was just some hokus pokus and filled with losers. To be honest, I don't really know why I decided to show up that night." Brian picked up his water glass and took a drink. He was finding the conversation interesting and was amazed that he didn't mind talking about the difficult time in his life. "I hadn't drunk in a week and why I thought I needed to attend a meeting is still a mystery. Maybe, you're right and it was Kismet that I showed up to that meeting on that day. After all, I chose a meeting far enough from Liberty Avenue that my chance of meeting anyone I knew was pretty slim." The waiter brought their salads and Brian picked up his fork to take a bite.
"How did you find your sponsor? Did he just walk up to you too?" Brian asked. They were in the back of the restaurant and since it was a Wednesday, it was pretty quiet. The closest patron was a few tables away. The waitress had brought them some rolls but Brian didn't pick one up. He still tried to limit his carbs after 7; although he was more willing to break that rule.
Justin picked up a roll and buttered it. He bit into it and made a humming sound in enjoyment. He placed the roll on the small plate to his side and said, "The AA meeting I attended had a list of people who were willing to sponsor newcomers. He was midway down the list so I chose him. Not very scientific or anything. I just figured that if he was in the middle of the list, he'd been around for a while and was pretty established in his journey. I called him a few days after my first meeting and asked him. He said yes. We met up that night and well, .... I still see him. Since you started meeting up with Cleo on Mondays, I often attend the meeting where Jeremy and I met," He picked up his roll and ate another bite.
"I knew you still talked to Jeremy, but I didn't know you attend a meeting with him each week. But I've only been seeing Cleo for the last 5 months. Did you meet up with him during that time? Do you guys go to dinner afterward?" Brian asked, feeling a twinge of something he wasn't familiar with. The waitress brought their salads and Brian picked up his fork, moving the greens around the plate.
"In answer to your first question, I usually met him on Friday nights. You always went to a meeting during the day because of Gus. Sure, we often went to dinner on Fridays. There's this really great BBQ place close by the meeting. Showcase BBQ, Have you heard of it? It's cheap and unassuming, but the food is amazing. They have their own line of sauces and rubs. I should pick some up the next time I go to the grocery and we can use them to make some amazing BBQ. It would be a new addition to our repertoire," Justin said, unconsciously licking his lips in remembrance of the taste. He looked at Brian and saw his poorly hidden frown. "Do I hear some jealousy in your voice?" Justin teased.
Brian blushed a little at the accusation but shook his head in disagreement. "Of course not. Don't be silly."
"Then why did I see a blush on your cheeks?" Justin asked, enjoying being the object of Brian's jealousy.
"Okay. Okay. I'm not jealous, really. It's just that I never thought about you meeting up with Jeremy and..... Eating out was .... Is .... Our thing." Brian could feel the heat rising to his cheeks, surprised at his reaction. "I miss you on nights when we don't spend the evenings together. I know we agreed that you have things to do and we can't spend 24/7 with each other," Brian admitted. "There's nothing wrong with that," He said, trying to justify his feelings. He picked up his fork and this time stabbed a small piece of lettuce, popping it in his mouth.
"I think it's cute. I like that you miss me. Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder," Justin said, quoting another familiar saying. He picked up his fork and took a bite of his salad, leaving the roll for later.
"I'm not cute, " Brian said with a strong voice. "I accept that you have a life outside of me, but it doesn't mean I like it." Brian took a sip of his water, wishing that his feelings were not so easily seen. He still didn't like to be vulnerable.
Justin took a deep breath, centering himself before responding. "Okay, warning, here's another PSA. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know that sounds contrite, but I believe there is some merit to the thought. While you may daydream of being with me every day, the reality is that we appreciate each other much more if we have our own lives. When we meet in the evenings, we talk about things that happened during our day. We share our frustrations and our triumphs. When we don't see each other every available moment in our lives, we have things to share and I think we appreciate being together more. As I've said before, there are some really boring things that life requires each of us to do, and unless you want to be around while I pay bills, water my plants, wash my dishes, and run to the art store, it's better this way. Besides, I had a boyfriend who was in my back pocket and it literally drove me crazy. I think it is important to each of our mental health that we do some things on our own."
Brian listened and carefully thought about what Justin was saying. "I guess too much togetherness could be trouble too. It's just....I really like the nights we spend together."
"I get it Brian and I like those nights too. But, we won't always go to AA every night. Right now, we see each other almost every day and we spend 24/7 with each other from Friday night through Sunday night. When I go home on Sunday night, I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed with the number of things I need to accomplish before Tuesday. I have laundry to do and my apartment seems to always need cleaning. And like I said earlier, I have bills to pay and other errands to run. I'm not blaming you and I'm not saying I regret spending the night with you, but I'm just trying to explain why I really can't spend the night every night."
Brian nodded and said, "Okay. But what does that mean for us in the future?" Brian was shocked that he asked the question, but it just naturally came out. "I mean.... Hell, I don't know what I mean."
Justin was surprised at the question as well until he realized that they had been dating for 5 months and had known each other for almost a year. "What do you want it to mean? The future?" Justin asked tentatively, knowing that Brian was often skittish when it came to talking about new topics.
"I'd like us to have a future. I know this won't come as a surprise, but I never really thought about the future except when it came to getting out of my parent's home and having my own place. Luckily for me, I had a talent for soccer and that got me a scholarship to college. The scholarship led to studying marketing .... Yada , yada. But future. I honestly thought I would go out in a blaze of glory before I hit 40. Now that thought isn't on the radar. I don't imagine that my drinking is what is going to kill me."
"I'm glad that you stopped drinking and feel pretty confident that you won't be going out in a blaze of glory before you're 40. I'd like us to have a future too. From our discussion, I take it that this future," Justin said the words as he used air quotes around the word future. "Is different than the one we have been living." He didn't want to put words in Brian's mouth, therefore leaving the sentence open-ended.
Brian finished his salad and pushed the plate away. "You know that I write in a journal?"
Justin nodded, not sure where Brian was going with his statement.
"Cleo got me started and I found it really helped a lot with my journey. I learned a lot about why I drink and I often write about our meetings," Brian said as he explained what some of the entries were about. He reached for his water and took a sip, then played with the water glass, swirling it on the table in the condensation left by the glass.
"I've also been writing about us. I have Gus to thank or blame for that. You choose.
Anyway, the night of the dinner party I overheard him talking to Emmett. I wasn't eavesdropping. I had taken a shower and headed to the living room so I could hear the buzzer when guests started arriving. I heard him ask Emmett if he thought we would get married in the future. He said it would be really cool to have two moms and two dads. Emmett told him that there was more to marriage than getting to hang out together. Then Gus asked him if people got married to have kids and proceeded to tell Emmett that he would like a brother or sister," Brian said, sharing the content of the conversation with Justin.
"So... are you talking marriage?" Justin tentatively asked.
"No!" Brian shook his head firmly. "I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm not even sure I want to get married or what the purpose of getting married would be. Honestly, I've never thought about it. But Gus' talk with Emmett got me thinking about us and what I wanted. I've been exploring that question in my journal and every time I write about it, I come to the same conclusion. I want more than what we're doing. I'm not sure how that would work since you're pretty adamant that you have shit to do, but if I've learned one thing in these last 11 months it's that I need to share what I'm feeling and that I need to acknowledge that I have feelings." Brian leaned over and gave Justin a quick kiss on the cheek.
Justin hadn't expected this discussion. They often talked about the topic from their meeting earlier in the evening or about work. As he thought about it, they rarely discussed their relationship. Usually, their discussion about their relationship was after an incident like the aborted Woody's visit or the condom situation.
"Thank you for telling me. I'm proud of you for speaking up. It's so important for us to talk about things before they become a problem. I think that we often are reactive versus proactive," Justin said, commenting on their typical way of dealing with things.
"Yeah. It is sort of reactive, but at least this time I haven't gone out and done something really stupid like starting to drink. Anyway.... Whether the discussion is proactive or reactive, the problem still exists. I want more and you don't."
Justin shook his head, "I didn't say I didn't want more. I just explained why I didn't spend every night with you."
"So what do we do? I want you to be around more and I miss you when you're not there, but you feel that you can't get done all the stuff you need to do if you're with me all the time," Brian summarized the dilemma.
"How do you do all the everyday tasks, Brian?" Justin asked, hoping that there might be a solution if he could incorporate some of what Brian did.
The waitress brought their dinners and they spent a few minutes taking several bites from their respective meals.
"I have a cleaning service that cleans the apartment and does most of the laundry. My suits and business wear are all dry-cleaned. The dry cleaner picks up and delivers so there is that. The rest of the laundry is done by the cleaning service. Mostly socks, underwear, sheets, and towels. The service puts away the towels and sheets in the linen closet and they leave the clean clothes in the basket for me to put away. I don't want anyone in my drawers."
"Laundry, check. I don't have a cleaning service nor would I want to spend the money for someone to wash my paint-stained clothes. My little apartment wouldn't warrant the expense of paying someone to clean it. So that doesn't help."
"I rarely pay bills. As much as possible, they are on autopay. That was the best thing the banking industry ever came up with. And Ted takes care of the stuff for Gus. His bills are more sporadic but they are all sent to Ted."
"Don't you ever check your statements? I mean I can't imagine not looking through the bills just to be sure that they are not overbilling me," Justin said, starting to feel frustrated as he realized there may not be a solution to their dilemma.
"Not really. Ted takes care of that for me. If there is a discrepancy, he deals with it. He's not only my CFO but he handles my personal money too. I pay him to take care of it." He takes a few more bites of his meal but could see that Justin was finding his answers unhelpful.
"Okay. Unfortunately, I don't have a Ted and I couldn't afford to pay someone to watch over what little money I do have. We aren't coming up with any solutions yet. What about your errands? Don't tell me you have your secretary buy your shampoo and deodorant?"
Brian laughed at the picture of Cynthia buying his shampoo or deodorant. "Of course not. I order those online. But I guess I do have errands to run. Gus and I do those on Friday afternoons. He seems to need new shoes every month. That kid needs stuff all the time."
"Again. Your life is a little different than mine. You have people do most of your shopping and the few errands you do run are done with Gus. So, back to my original statement. I have stuff to do that no one else can do for me and I have to have time to do it. I don't have the luxury of a cleaning service or an accountant and while I could buy shampoo and deodorant online, that seems really extravagant since I usually go to Target to pick it up. So, do you see where our lives are a little different and I need time to do shit?" Justin explained and hoped that Brian finally saw his need for time away.
"Got it. However, there is a solution to some of this," Brian said, already thinking of ways to address the issue Justin had to run errands. " Since most of the stuff the three of us do on the weekends doesn't open until 10:00 and we're up way before that time, the three of us could run errands together. No reason for Gus and I do to them all on Fridays," Brian offered.
Justin opened his mouth and closed it again. "I... I... I... don't know what to say. I mean do you really want to run errands with me on the weekend? It would solve some of the issues, but I still have to wash clothes and clean my apartment. I don't see how those areas would change," Justin said, surprised and pleased with Brian's suggestions.
"You could move in with me. Eliminate the need to clean, wash dishes, etc. I have a cleaning service to do that. The only thing you would need to do would be to pay your bills, but even those would be lower since you wouldn't have as many expenses," Brian said, surprised at his own suggestion but not uncomfortable with the solution.
"Move in with you? Uh, wow. ...that's a big step.... Are we there? I mean ... move in with you?" Justin said, unable to complete a full sentence or thought. He picked up his fork and moved his salad around the plate. He had not expected that solution.
"Well, it would take care of the cleaning and laundry but do you really want me around all the time? I mean, we were just talking about needing some space to have some separation. If we lived together, I don't know how that would work. While you can afford a cleaning service and someone to do your laundry, I cannot and I don't want to feel like a kept man."
"When is your lease up? I remember you said that you were trying to decide if you were going to stay in the building but you were unsure where you could move. If you moved in with me, you wouldn't have to find a place."
"But I'd still need a studio. I can't imagine myself painting in your loft. I'm messy when I paint," Justin said, warming up to the possibility. "I have to decide in the next two months."
"How about you start looking for some studio space? In the meantime, we could do a trial run. If you stay over most nights, leave your clothes for the cleaning service or you could throw them in the washer; I do have one in the loft. We could start running all of our errands on Saturday and or Sunday mornings. We could even shop for food on the weekends. We'd still have Mondays for our separate meetings. This way, you don't have to commit to anything and if it doesn't work, then we can try another solution," Brian suggested, hoping Justin would be willing to try.
Justin cut a few bites of his steak and ate them slowly as he mulled over Brian's proposition. There were pros and cons to his idea. However, if they were to move forward with their relationship and it appeared that both of them wanted that, it would be a good test.
"Okay. I'm willing to try. Tomorrow is Thursday. Let me work on getting all my stuff together and I'll come over on Friday like normal. We don't hang out on Thursdays anyway so it will be like normal,' Justin said but added, "Are you really sure about this? I mean it is a big step. And, well, we might get tired of each other pretty quickly."
"We will still have our jobs and will still be attending AA in the evening. In reality, we are only adding a few nights where you stay over and now we'll run our errands together. It should be fine," Brian said, assuring Justin that his idea was sound.
Justin smiled widely and said, "Okay. Let's do this!!!" He leaned over and kissed Brian on the cheek. "Wow. We're going to live together."