Monday evening Brian went to the AA meeting and he brought his conflict sheet with him.  After the meeting, he and Cleo went to the coffee shop around the corner for their weekly get-together.

After sitting down Brian and Cleo looked at the menu and waited for the waitress to take their order.  She delivered a pot of coffee to the table a few minutes later.

"Your order will be up shortly.  We're a little short-staffed tonight," the waitress explained as she poured the coffee into their cups.  

"That's fine.  We're in no hurry," Cleo said as he took a packet of sugar and tore it open, pouring the contents into his cup.  He turned to Brian and asked, "So, how are you?  You haven't called in a few days.  I was getting concerned."

"Work's been crazy and my son's mother has been hounding me about a summer program that I signed him up for,'  Brian said, giving just the bare minimum information to Cleo.

"So you've had some stressors lately.  How did you handle them?" Cleo asked, not requesting any further information about the incident.  He felt that if Brian wanted to share the specifics of the situation, he would have done so.  He was Brian's sponsor and was there to help him with his sobriety, not to solve his everyday issues.  

Brian smiled as he related the story to Cleo. ".... So you see, your tutelage is already paying off.  Deep breathing and walking around do actually work.  It's not that I questioned your guidance, but when I first heard it, it seemed so easy and I didn't think anything would be that easy.  I should have trusted that you would not give me bad advice,'  Brian said as he poured the second creamer into his cup of coffee.

Cleo smiled.  "I felt the same way when my sponsor told me about deep breathing and journaling.  I'm glad that they are working for you."  

Brian fished in his suit coat and brought out the pages with his reflection exercise on them. "And I worked on these too.  I picked them up at a meeting last week.  I guess it's like journaling but instead of me writing whatever comes to mind, I have a little more guidance.  Do you want to read what I wrote?"  Brian asked, anxious for Cleo to read his work.  It felt like turning in a homework assignment, but without the grading portion. He held out the papers for Cleo.

Cleo shook his head.  "If you want to talk about them, I'm all ears, but these are for you.  Do you want to talk about them?"

Brian brought the papers back toward him and quickly read them.  "I guess I already told you about the incident, so you have some background."  Brian thought for a few moments and then said, "Yeah.  I think I do want to talk about them.  I mean Justin, my former sponsor helped me see how my feelings were affecting my drinking.  I... I think..."  Brian stumbled, unclear what he was really asking for from Cleo.  "Just read them and tell me your thoughts."  Brian handed the papers to Cleo.

Cleo took the proffered pages, read through them and spent a few moments thinking before he said, "It seems that you resent Lindsay for questioning your ability to parent your son."

"Yeah,"

"So, Brian, let's take this a little further.  In the past when you resented someone, what did you do?  And how is that different today?"

"I never resented anyone in the past since I didn't allow myself to care what others thought,'  Brian said, explaining how his life was different now.

"Okay, but it's different now. What did you do when she confronted you?  I assume she didn't just leave it when you told her that you were going to put your son in a summer program?"

Brian took a sip of his coffee.  "I guess I really should have started out with the end of the story rather than the beginning.  She marched into my office, demanding an answer and I had her removed by security.  After her interruption, I finished the phone call I was on and then opened my desk drawer where I used to keep my stash of liquor.  I knew it was empty but I don't know why I opened it.  I wasn't in the habit of drinking in the middle of the day and wasn't about to start now.  I'm angry that I opened the drawer, looking for a bottle even though that wasn't  something I would have done in the past."

"You didn't revert to old behaviors, so what is still bothering you about the incident?"  Cleo asked, realizing that Brian wasn't as forthcoming as he could be.  Cleo finished his coffee and poured himself another cup. 

Brian looked at Cleo and didn't immediately respond.  Instead, he poured himself another cup of coffee, and placed creamer in it and a packet of sugar, finishing by stirring the mixture together.  He gently blew over the top, cooling the liquid, and then took a tentative sip.  After a few additional sips he said, "I guess it's that I am disappointed in myself that I opened the drawer.  I thought I was beyond that type of response."

Cleo nodded in understanding.  "Brian, how long had you been drinking before you decided to get sober?"  

Brian thought about the number, never before consciously adding the years up, and said, "I've been drinking since I was 16.  So...  24 years give or take."

"24 years of hiding your feelings and 24 years of responding to difficulties by drinking is not going to go away after 7 or 8 months.  I'd be more worried if you told me that the incident didn't faze you.  Every day, every moment, and every event is an excuse to drink.  You handled this incident using your coping mechanisms and you are understandably proud of yourself.  Up to this point, I'm sure you had events happen where you wanted to drink, but maybe this is the first one where you are aware that you used a coping strategy,"  Cleo said as he smiled at Brian.   "You're responding just like you are supposed to be."

Brian felt a sense of pride at Cleo's praise.  He'd been proud of his accomplishments at work, but being proud of his sobriety was not something he'd ever thought about.  He always strived to be a leader.

The waitress brought their food and Brian was busy eating his salad for a few minutes.  He was thinking about Cleo's statements as he ate.  "You're telling me that eventually making these types of decisions will seem second nature and I won't think about it?"  

Cleo finished chewing the bite of hamburger that he'd ordered and then said, "No and yes.  The decisions will come easier, but you will probably always be aware that you are making them.  The difference is that you won't analyze each decision, trying not to be angry that you had to make a choice.  One day, you will realize that you've made the decision not to drink for a really long time and hopefully, you've come to realize that your life is better for it."

"My life is already better for it.  I see Gus a lot more and I met Justin.  Both of those things have made stopping drinking well worth it,"  Brian said as he got a faraway look in his eye.

"Speaking of Justin, we talked the other day about what would happen if one of us started drinking again.  I know you and I talked about expectations and knowing what the other person's expectations were.  I took your words to heart and we had that conversation.  I can honestly tell you that I have never talked so much in my life.  It's really still so new to me,"  Brian said, happy to share another example of how his conversations with Cleo were impacting his life.

Cleo ate a few more bites of his burger and then said, " Good.  I'm glad that you are talking and have thought about some of your expectations.  I hope this works out for you." Cleo still had his reservations regarding Brian and his former sponsor starting a dating relationship, but it was not his place to forbid it.  His job was to support Brian in his sobriety and be there if Brian needed his help to stay away from drinking.  

"Brian.  Let's go back to the worksheet for a moment.  What are some other people, places, etc that you resent?  Recognizing your feelings helps you identify some potential triggers.  It helps if you think about things before they happen so you're not blindsided,"  Cleo said, hoping Brian was willing to explore this topic a little more.  While his role was to support Brian in his sobriety, he felt that helping him explore his triggers and his feelings was an important part of the journey.  AA was not a formal treatment like a person would get if they went to an Addiction Center, and therefore the person was subject to the whims and thoughts of the different AA meeting leaders.  He'd found that there were areas that needed to be discussed that weren't always covered in meetings.  It didn't help that people attended a lot of different meetings, especially if you were someone who wanted to attend a daily meeting.  Most groups met once a week and if a person wanted something more often, they would either have to be involved with a treatment program or would have to find additional groups.  There was some inherent inconsistency in that model.

"Until the other day when we were handed the list, I hadn't really thought about it, but I've had the sheet for almost a week and I came up with a number of things.  First,"  Brian touched his forefinger on his right hand.  "I resent my parents.  My dad was a drunk and so was my mom, but neither one of them really was interested in parenting.  My dad used me to take out his frustrations.  I resent being hit to make up for his inadequacies and I resent her negligence in not protecting me."  He continued by touching his second finger.  "Two,  I resent Debbie for saying I was always welcome but never taking the extra step to report my Dad.  If she had taken that extra step, then maybe the beatings would have stopped."  Touching his ring finger, he continued.  "Third, I resent being used as a bank.  True, I didn't really want to be a dad, but once Gus was born, Lindsay only saw me as a way to pay her way by using Gus as an excuse to get money from me."  He touched his pinky.  "I resent Mikey for making it his business to get me home safely when I was drunk rather than trying to prevent me from drinking myself into a stupor." He started to move to his other hand, but stopped and looked Cleo in the eye and said, "There are a lot of things I resent about my life, but I really think I resent my "family" and my adopted family for not being there.  Does that make any sense at all?"  Brian moved the pieces of lettuce in his salad around, not really trying to stab any of them to eat them.  He just looked down at the food while he waited for Cleo to talk.  

"Brian, look at me,"  Cleo said before he started talking.  He waited to see if Brian would obey his request and was pleased when just a few moments passed before Brian looked up from his plate.

"Of course it makes sense, but that isn't really what is important here.  I'm curious if you have ever voiced to yourself or out loud to anyone these statements?"  Cleo asked, understanding how this moment was really pivotal in Brian's recovery.  He too had experienced similar things to what Brian was sharing and had known that Brian had sought him out to be his sponsor for just that reason.  He knew the importance of his question, even if Brian had not understood its true meaning.

"No.  Why should I?  I mean I can't change what happened.  That is why I have a motto of no apologies, no regrets.  Nothing can be changed that is already done, so why bother talking about it,"  Brian said, feeling proud of his motto and hoping that Cleo would see the inherent benefit of applying it to life.

"Brian, remember we talked about how alcoholics lie all the time.  We lie to ourselves, to our friends, to our families.  We lie about how much alcohol we drink, we lie about how much we think about alcohol, and we lie about how much we think about where our next opportunity to drink will come.  Do you remember that talk?"  Cleo asked, knowing that Brian would in fact remember it as he was a very smart and astute man.

"Of course, but we're not talking about drinking here.  We're talking about resentments. They have nothing in common,"  Brian said, trying to follow Cleo's line of thought.

"Ah, but you're wrong.  They have everything to do with each other. It sounds like you resented almost everyone and everything in your life.  All that resentment builds up and since you had no way to dissipate it, you drank.  You drowned your disappointment and resentment in a bottle of whiskey.  Well, many bottles of whiskey.  If you didn't have to deal with your feelings then you didn't have to be accountable," Cleo explained how the two were connected.

Brian looked at Cleo, the surprise on his face evident to even the most casual observer.  "Oh,"  Brian said. He continued to look at Cleo as Cleo had told him to do, watching Cleo's face as he watched his own.  He saw a man who was genuinely interested in his response.  This wasn't like sitting in the diner with the "boyz" while they were guessing which actor was the preferred sexual conquest. This conversation meant something and Cleo was obviously interested in what he had to say.  "I guess you've got a point.  So, does that mean that I need to identify every resentment I have as a trigger so that I won't drink when confronted with it in the future?"

"I can't tell you what to do, but I think this worksheet can be as helpful as you want it to be.  Understanding and recognizing your resentments will help you work through your feelings.  Working through your feelings will help you handle your feelings in the future.  Success breeds success.  You haven't had to learn how to deal with many feelings and when you were presented with them, you always turned to the bottle.  You are going to have to build yourself some coping skills but also learn that feelings are an essential part of life."

"I hate this,"  Brian said, putting his hand over the sheets of paper that lie on the table to the side of his plate.  "I don't want to have to psychoanalyze every last thing in my life.  I asked Justin if we could just have fun and not worry about talking everything to death.  He told me that talking and working through things is part of a relationship.  Ted even told me that Lindsay had a right to ask about Gus' welfare.  And now you are telling me that I have to face all my life, work through everything that could be a problem when it comes to drinking, and figure out a solution."  Brian ran his hand over the top of his head and then pinched the bridge of his nose as he heard the frustration in his own voice.

"Brian, life is more meaningful when you make it that way,"  Cleo said, wanting to de-escalate Brian's frustration before he gave up.  "Living a full life is more than just going through the motions; going to work, going to the gym, watching a movie.  Your life is as rich and full as you make it."  Cleo looked around at the other patrons in the diner and spotted a couple of people that were seated next to the window.  He tilted his head toward them and said, "Look at that couple sitting over by the window.  They appear to be deep in conversation.  They don't appear to be having an argument, but they are actively listening to each other.  See how they are leaning toward each other and their hands are moving as they talk.  They're engaging in life.  They might be talking about work, a coworker, or a friend, but regardless of their topic, they are actively engaging each other. Relationships are about sharing, not just the good stuff, but even the mundane things like getting stuck in traffic." 

Brian thought about Cleo's explanation and said, "Sort of like we're doing.  We are talking and sharing and while the main purpose is about my sobriety, other topics get included."  Brian nodded as he mentally congratulated himself.  

"Exactly.  Think about it this way, Brian.  If you and Justin hadn't started spending as much time as you did together, you wouldn't be trying to see if you two could be more than friends.  Talking builds connections."

"I hadn't thought about it in that way, but I guess it makes sense.  I just never really spent much time developing friendships."  Brian admitted, but then contemplated his statement.   "But maybe I'm wrong."  Brian grinned and added, "Wow.  I would have never admitted to being wrong before I started this journey."  He paused and started again.  "What I think is that I did have friends who were interested in talking; I just never gave them the opportunity.  I talk to Ted all the time.  Sure, it's mostly about sobriety things but I've sought him out a few times for other stuff lately.  I find that I value his input."

Cleo nodded and smiled at Brian.  He waved his hand back and forth between the two of them.  "While our relationship is based on my sponsorship, I feel that you are telling me things as well.  Sharing enriches friendships and your life."

Brian finished his salad and poured himself another cup of coffee.  He was learning so much.  "Evidently sobriety is a lot bigger than just not drinking.  It's a remake of someone's whole life."  

Cleo nodded and smiled at Brian, thrilled at Brian's statement.  "Sobriety doesn't happen in a vacuum.  What you do in one part of your life spills over to other parts of your life too."  Cleo finished his burger and ate a few french fries.  The fries had grown cold and even the ketchup that he dipped them in could not add enough taste to continue eating them.  He glanced at his watch but didn't mention the time.  He didn't want Brian to feel pressured to leave their conversation until he was ready.

Brian took another sip of his coffee and looked around the diner.  When they had arrived, about half of the tables were filled with patrons, but now the dining room was almost empty with only one other table occupied. He saw the waitress grabbing the ketchup, salt, and pepper shakers and sliding to the edge of the table in order to refill them.  She had a cart with a giant bottle of ketchup, a canister of salt, and a canister of pepper on it, and was refilling the bottles from the tables as there were few patrons for her to assist.  

"I think it's time for us to leave.  Seems like we are about the only ones left,"  Brian said as he waved the waitress over to their table.

"Check please,"  Brian said and she nodded, fishing out the two checks from her pockets. 

"You can pay me when you're ready."

"Thank you,"  Cleo said as he reached for his wallet.

Brian reached for his wallet as well and both men picked up their respective checks, paying for their meals.

"As always, thanks for another thought-provoking evening.  I'll call tomorrow and check in,"  Brian said, letting Cleo know that he recognized that he'd been lax in his check-ins.

"Brian, I encourage you to check in, but ultimately it is your journey. If you don't want to check in every day, that is your choice.  There is no sobriety police.  We've talked about that,"  Cleo said, reminding him of his motto.

"I know that but I think it is important at this stage of my journey.  After tonight, I sort of feel like I'm starting my journey all over,"  Brian said.

Cleo scrunched up his eyes slightly and asked,  "I don't understand. Can you explain?"

"Sure.  After tonight I finally realized that everything is intertwined.  My sobriety impacts everything I do.  I mean I understood that before, but I'm beginning to appreciate that my life has been impacted by my drinking and now I have to really look at everything in my life and figure out how to do life without drinking."  Brian said, trying to explain his thoughts.  "That sounds weird since I've been living without alcohol for 8 months,"  Brian added.

Cleo smiled and nodded his head, and then waved his arm in a wide arc. "You've been so focused on not taking that first drink and now you are really starting to look at all your life.  Welcome to your new life, Brian."

Brian smiled at Cleo's gesture.  "Thanks.  I think it's looking like a great one.  Now, we better get going as it getting late.  I'm sure the waitress would like to clean our table and take a break before the late-night crowd comes in.  Besides, I'm used to getting to work at a reasonable hour, and at this rate, I may not get to bed until much later than usual.  As always, thanks again."  Brian stood up and waited for Cleo to do the same so they could walk out of the diner together.  

Brian drove home from the diner and his mind was racing with thoughts.  When he got home he checked the mail and changed into his loungewear.  He went to the bookshelf, pulled out his journal, retrieved his special pen, and sat down at his desk to write.

Life is interesting,  What a statement.  I don't think, well I know that I would have never thought to write a statement like that 8 months ago.  But I do so tonight with the reality that my life is interesting.  Before my sobriety started, my only goal was to get away from my abusive parents, and once I did that my next goal was to be successful at my job so that I could have beautiful things in my life.  Beyond either of those things, I did not have any goals and just existed.  Sure, my days were full; going to work, going to Babylon, getting my dick sucked....But that wasn't living.  After my talk tonight with Cleo I realize that living is different.  It involved interacting with people and caring about those people.  

I interacted with lots of people, but there were few of those interactions that I really cared about.  Gus was even just a little blip on my radar.  When I wrapped my car around that tree, it was a wake-up call and the only person I really thought about was him.  I think subconsciously I was always interested in my relationship with him but I was scared that I would screw it up.  I had no role model to learn what a good parent was and all I did know was what a bad parent was.  I didn't want to subject him to the childhood that I endured so I just didn't make myself available to him.  Now, I can't imagine what my life would be without him.  

Cleo pushes me to look at how alcohol impacted my whole life.  I never realized that it really stopped me from living.  I don't think that I was really that naive and oblivious to the impact alcohol had on me, so maybe that statement isn't 100% true.  

I learned at an early age that my parents didn't care about me and even when Debbie came into my life, she had parameters that she was comfortable in.  She felt comfortable helping address my scrapes and wounds, but she wasn't comfortable standing up for me or reporting my dad to the authorities; therefore giving me some really mixed messages. She knew I was being hurt and she enjoyed taking care of me, but she wouldn't take that extra step to help stop it.  Maybe it made her feel important to help, but since none of the adults in my life protected me, I guess I learned that I had to fend for myself.  To me, protecting myself in any way I could was what life was about.  I internalized the message that I wasn't important and my feelings didn't count.

Wow!  I learned that I wasn't worth protecting - ie I wasn't important enough. But also I learned that drinking was a way to hide from your life.  I did the only thing I knew how to do.  I drank to protect myself from life.  

Brian put down the pen and reread his entry.  A sadness washed over him as he read his thoughts.  "I didn't think I was worthy,"  he said aloud, voicing his thoughts.  A lone tear started to form in his eye, but he wiped it away with the back of his hand.  He picked up the pen again and started to write.

But I stopped drinking and I thank whatever power that is in the universe that I did.  I'm learning that people like me and care about me.  I'm learning that I can be a good father and Gus loves spending time with me.  I'm learning that there is a whole world out there that I can enjoy and that alcohol doesn't have to be around to enjoy it.  I'm learning that people are willing to do things for me when I ask because they are my friend.  I'm learning that there are people who want to see me succeed.  I'm learning that having feelings is a part of life and that feelings don't have to all be bad.  But most of all, I'm learning how to interact with people and open myself up to those interactions.

I've learned so much in the last 8 months and I know I'll continue to learn.  Justin has helped me learn a lot about myself and I think, well I know that his enthusiasm about being the best me and learning about myself has opened up my world.  

Cleo and Justin are great teachers and I can't wait to see where my life leads me.

Brian put down the pen and reread his entry.  He was still saddened by the early portions but was excited about the next adventure.  He closed the book, put it back on the shelf, and placed the pen in the drawer. 

He checked that the alarm was on and the door was locked, and then got ready for bed.  It was late but he knew he would sleep well as he looked forward to the next day in his sobriety journey.

TBC