Wednesday evening
Brian had just returned from Justin's apartment after another delicious dinner and make-out session. The conversation had been about their respective day but they had talked a little about a new recipe that Justin found and wanted to try. It was pleasant but Brian had felt that Justin was wanting something more, especially after their conversation Sunday night. Brian had checked in with Cleo as promised and thought about their last meeting. He had already changed into his version of loungewear and returned to his living room where he retrieved the journal and his special pen.
Talking. Why does everything have to revolve around talking? Before I stopped drinking, the majority of talking I did was at work. I met with my staff and prospective clients working on campaigns to convince people to buy the product my client was selling. I talked to Cynthia about my schedule and whatever else needed to be done and I talked to Ted about the finances. I talked to the art department about the campaigns, but I stayed away from the lunchroom and water cooler. I didn't have time or inclination to make idle chit-chat.
When I would go to the diner, the boyz would have stupid random discussions about which actor, or celebrity they would have sex with or talk about the theme at Babylon for the night. All light-hearted and nothing serious or of consequence. When I was a kid, no one in my house ever talked to me unless it was to tell me to do something. I really didn't talk to anyone at school either. My efforts were concentrated on studying and soccer, hoping at least one of them would be my ticket out of the house. When I became friends with Michael, the only thing Michael talked about was his comics. Thinking back, Michael acted as though the superheroes were actually real people in his world, choosing to live his life through them rather than in the real world. I can't believe I was ever really friends with him.
Now, I'm faced with the reality that I'm expected to talk, not just to get my work done, but also to enhance my relationships. Relationships - what a word. I can't even break down the word. Cleo says I should talk as that builds connections. Justin wants to talk about a shit ton of stuff and says that it is important to know how each of us feels about important issues. He shut down really fast when I questioned him about the need to talk about everything. That was the first time that I saw him back away and I didn't like how that made me feel.
Feelings - Another hot topic. I think there should be a warning sign when you walk into AA "BEWARE FEELINGS AHEAD". I didn't even know that I had feelings. They've been buried so often and for so long that I just knew that when I drank it felt good. I could have been celebrating or commiserating, it didn't matter. I just did it with a bottle instead of a person. Now, I'm expected to do it with a person.
Justin hasn't pushed me since the other night, but I guess I really need to take the first step and see what this dating thing is about. We're always so focused on attending meetings and then we hang out with Gus on the weekends, we have just fallen into a routine. I think Justin wants something else and I guess as uncomfortable as I am with the idea, I'd like to see what it would be like.
I remember Gus telling me about some party at his friend's house that he wanted to go to on Friday night. I think it is next weekend. I'll call Lindsay and get the details so I can arrange to take him. He shouldn't miss out just because I have him on weekends. He has a life too. Maybe that would be a chance to be with Justin away from a meeting or Gus. I could test the waters to see how that goes.
Cleo gave me the idea to write in a journal and I see even he is into this talking shit too. He has me talking to myself by writing down what I'm thinking. I have to admit it is really helpful to write shit down and it really helps stop the hamsters from running amok.
I guess my next step is to go on a date with Justin and talk.
Brian closed the journal, put it back on the shelf, and placed the pen in the drawer. He got ready for bed and slept peacefully.
After arriving at work and reviewing his day, he called Lindsay.
"Brian, it's awfully early for you to be calling. Is everything okay?" Lindsay asked, surprised by the call. Gus had just gotten on the bus for school and she was packing her lunch for work. "I only have a few minutes but I could meet you for lunch," she said, hoping to finagle a few hours of his time. She found that he was always more willing to do things when they were sitting in a nice restaurant. He didn't want to make a scene and usually just agreed to whatever she wanted. She had learned this little trick a long time ago from her mother and used it often to get what she wanted.
"Everything is fine. Gus mentioned there was a birthday party that he'd been invited to next weekend. I need the specifics so I can get him there."
"Oh," Lindsay said, feeling the disappointment in not being able to get Brian to join her for lunch. "Yes, he did mention it. I told him I wasn't sure if he could go since he'd be with you."
"Lindsay," Brian said, tamping his initial anger down. "Of course, he can go. I just need the information about the party so I can get him there. It's not up to you to decide what he does and doesn't do when he's with me. I just need to be kept informed. Now, I'll appreciate and expect you to tell me about any and all upcoming commitments for Gus. I am his parent and need to make sure he can attend," Brian said, gruffly. He could feel the muscles in his neck and back tense as he discussed Lindsay's failure to keep him informed. Luckily, Gus did share things with him. He would have to encourage Gus to keep him up to date as well. "I won't keep you. Goodbye," Brian said, dismissing her and the conversation.
He took several deep breaths and stood up to walk around his office. He regained his composure and clicked on his email to start his day. After a few hours, he needed a break. Picking up his phone, he decided to call Justin.
"Hey," Justin answered when he saw the caller ID. "Everything okay?" He hesitated to ask Brian why he was calling but decided that he would do so. "Not like you to call in the middle of the day."
Brian raised his eyes toward the ceiling and shrugged his shoulders despite Justin not being able to see either movement. "I'm fine. You know Lindsay said the same thing when I called her this morning. I remembered something Gus said about a party next weekend and since I was thinking about it, I decided to call and ask her. She said she had told him he might not be able to go since he would be with me. I explained in very clear terms that he would not miss out on a party just because he was with me," Brian could feel his body tensing slightly with the retelling of the conversation.
"Good for you," Justin said, not sure if that was why Brian had called. He knew Brian would have shared that little tidbit when they met tonight so he was curious as to what else was going on. He waited for Brian to continue.
"Now that I have confirmed that Gus has a party next weekend, that means that he won't be with me the entire time. I was wondering if you would like to go on a date?" Brian asked Justin, feeling his heart speed up just a little as he spoke what words.
"A date?" Justin didn't hesitate, pleased and surprised at the ask. "Sure. That would be fun. When is the party?" Justin asked, feeling the excitement of going on a date course through his body.
"I think the party is next Friday night. Guess the parents want to get it out of the way so they can enjoy their weekend. I love Gus but I can't imagine having 6 or 7 of him at one time in the same space. I think it would be exhausting."
Justin laughed. "I'm sure that you could handle it. I don't imagine you would tell Gus no if he really wanted a party," Justin said in response to Brian's obvious dislike of the idea of a child's birthday party.
"Well?" Brian said, hoping he would not have to repeat his question.
"Of course. I'd be delighted to go on a date with you. What do you want to do?"
Brian said, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that part. I told you dating is a foreign concept for me. You'll have to help me out here." Brian felt foolish when he thought about how little he knew about this social contrivance. He had never paid attention to dating or thought about a relationship.
Justin laughed again and Brian found the sound of it wonderful. He delighted in hearing Gus' laughter but found that Justin's laughter made him just as happy.
"I have had a bit more experience in that area but I told you every situation is different. I'm sure you'll figure it out or better yet, we'll do it together." Justin assured Brian that he was not going to leave him to navigate the dating waters by himself. "I hate to cut this short, but I have a call from a gallery owner in about 5 minutes," Justin said, sad that he could not continue the conversation.
"No worries. I should get back to work. These impromptu calls are really not conducive to getting my work done and leaving on time. If I don't want to bring work home, I better get back to work myself. I'll see you tonight. Later," Brian said and hung up the phone. This time he had a smile on his face. I just asked Justin for a date. What is my life coming to?
******
After dinner on Friday Brian asked Gus for the specifics regarding the birthday party. The party was at an indoor adventure place. They had ropes courses, ball pits, tunnels, and all kinds of climbing apparatus and was going to be held the following Friday from 7:00-9:00. The party was about 20 minutes away and that didn't give him and Justin a very long time for their date. They could attend an AA meeting during that time, but he typically attended a meeting in the afternoon on Fridays. Besides, dating was supposed to be different than your normal events and he and Justin attended AA regularly. The short window would be a good start. If he wanted, Justin could come back to the loft. He was excited about the possibility of a date, even though he really had no idea what that looked like or what was expected.
"So can I go to the party?" Gus asked as he was helping clean up the kitchen from dinner.
"Of course. I just needed the specifics so I could plan on getting you there and picking you up. Since you will be busy part of the night, I invited Justin to go on a date," Brian said, nonchalantly as he put the plate in the dishwasher.
"A date? I thought you said that you weren't dating. I knew there was something when I saw you and Justin kissing in the kitchen." Gus said, smiling at his father's statement. "I like Justin. He's cool and he pays attention to me. Jacob's parents are divorced and he tells me stories all the time about the guys his mom dates. They are always trying to get him involved in some activity so they can be alone together." Gus paused for a bit and then added. "Jacob has seen his mom kissing a lot and she is always embarrassed. Do you ever get embarrassed Dad?"
Brian said, "I don't know if we are dating." He was still a little uncomfortable with that term. "We are just going out on a date. As for embarrassment goes, I don't think I've ever been embarrassed, especially when it comes to kissing." Brian thought quickly of all the anonymous sex that he used to participate in at Babylon when he would go to the back room or at the baths or any other place he felt the urge to get a blow job. He never was embarrassed by his actions and he doubted that would change. He wasn't going to explain that to Gus, now or ever but he realized again how his sexual activities were probably just as much a part of his addiction as his drinking. He said, tongue in cheek without adding any explanation for his grin.
"I remember you said something about watching the new Star Trek series Picard. If we want to watch a few episodes, we better get started," Brian said, essentially ending the discussion of dating and embarrassment.
After watching a few episodes, Gus got ready for bed and Brian took out his journal and pen.
Tonight Gus asked me if I ever got embarrassed. We'd been talking about me going on a date with Justin and he started talking about some of his friend's parents who were divorced and dating and how they got embarrassed when their kids saw them kissing. To me kissing is just fun. It never meant anything but a prelude to sex; however, with Justin, it is just enjoyable by itself. I'm still not ready for sex and for some reason while I think having sex with Justin would be great, I don't want him to be another notch on my belt. When Gus asked if I was ever embarrassed, it made me think about all the public sex that I've had in my life. I've probably had sex or done some type of sex act with thousands of guys. That makes me think that I probably was addicted to sex as much as I was to alcohol. Society says it's okay, not great, but okay to be addicted to alcohol but to say that you were addicted to sex.... Well, that is not an okay thing to say. Even I, who obviously doesn't know a lot about societal conventions, know that you don't talk about having a sex addiction. I guess I do know about some societal norms. I mentioned the sex addiction to Justin and he didn't seem to balk. He said something that made sense at the time. He said that he can't judge me on what I did when I was drinking since I was a different person then. I don't know if I buy into that statement even though it makes sense. It's almost like the addict is saying I get a free pass for every jerk thing I did when I was drinking since I was addicted to alcohol. It takes away the responsibility for my actions and blames it on the alcohol. While that would be really convenient ...everything is the alcohol's fault. I still have to accept that at the end of the day, I'm the one who chose to drink and drown my feelings in the bottle. I'm the one who chose to sleep with all those men and I enjoyed it. Well, I enjoyed it for the 10 minutes it took to get off, and then I was left with the empty feeling again.
Brian put down the pen and reread what he had just written, realizing its importance. He picked up the pen, not wanting to lose his train of thought.
I was having anonymous sex to fill a void. The void was the empty feeling that I walked around with all the time. I didn't allow myself to have any feelings and hid in a bottle or sex so that I couldn't admit to myself that I felt something or anything. While the sex act itself was pleasurable and I always got off, it didn't mean anything after it was done. During the 10-15 minutes it took me to get my rocks off, I was fully immersed in my own pleasure and I guess I was really good at it since I was notorious as "The Stud of Liberty Avenue" Every gay guy wanted to have sex with me. I was some superstar. But when it was over, I felt nothing, just the endorphins that come with orgasm.
What does that mean for my life moving forward? Do I even know what feelings are and will I recognize them? If I do recognize them, what will I do with them? Will I shut down and hide in a different way or will I learn to live with them?
I'm a pretty smart guy, I have to be as successful as I am a business owner. If you had asked me this question even 2 months ago, I would have laughed in your face. But now, with the idea of dating planted in my head, I think that I am starting to recognize my feelings. When he kissed me, I was shocked, pleased, surprised.... A lot of emotions ran through my brain, but that's it. I had emotions and I was miserable when I thought he'd gone missing from my life. I knew I wanted him there and I was willing to explore that possibility, no matter what that looked like or how foreign the concept of dating and relationships was to me.
It's been almost two months and we've continued our interactions pretty much the same except now we've added some amazing kissing to the mix. Since he's no longer my sponsor, he feels comfortable with us doing more than hanging out at AA and with Gus.
When he told me he couldn't be my sponsor and date me, I was angry and sad. I recognize those emotions. Go me! I'm beginning to see that I do have those things called emotions and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. Again, with the feelings. I guess Cleo was right. Smart man. I've got to figure out what I want out of this relationship in order to move forward. Jeez, thinking and feeling and talking, the trifecta of life. If that's what it takes to have Justin in my life, I guess I'm up for it.
He won't be joining us tomorrow as he is getting ready for a show and needs to paint. He hoped he would be able to make it to the Saturday night meeting, but wasn't sure. Hopefully, he'll make it to the Sunday meeting if he doesn't come on Saturday. Otherwise, I won't see him until Tuesday. I swear I feel like the giggly girls in high school writing goofy notes and whispering about boys. Not that I really paid attention to girls in high school, but I do remember our English teacher stopping class and reading out loud one of the notes that a girl was passing to her friend during class. She made a point of talking about the grammatical errors in the girl's note and told her that if she were going to be writing in English class, it should at least be grammatically correct. That's a weird memory to conjure up but high school has very few memories except going to Michael's to get away from my father's drunken beatings.
At least, I did manage never to get drunk in front of Gus and I never hit him. I don't think that I could ever take a pass on that behavior, regardless of whether I was trying to blame the action on alcohol or not. There are just some things that are not negotiable.
This journaling thing is really interesting. It really is getting me to think about a lot of stuff that those hamsters would leave alone. Before I started writing stuff down, I spent a lot of time just thinking. Not that I don't think now, but I think that writing shit down helps me focus my thoughts, and when I reread the stuff I've written it gives me some semblance of order. Cleo is one smart guy. I'm glad I found him. And to think I chose him because he mentioned being abused as a kid. We have never even talked about that. Shit, there is that word again. I think talk should be considered a four-letter word. Just saying.
Enough of this contemplation stuff. I'm headed to bed. Gus and I have a full weekend. I hope Justin gets to join us for part of it, but ... well he has a life too.
Brian closed his journal and put the pen in the drawer. He made sure the alarm was set and got ready for bed. He admitted that making Gus his own room was a brilliant idea. Not only did it bring about changes in his relationship with Justin, but it returned Brian's privacy, something he realized that he sorely missed when Gus was around. Brian had been a solitary individual for a long time and sharing his space with Gus 24/7 for an entire weekend was pushing the edge of his comfort zone.
Saturday night Brian went to his AA meeting after telling Gus and Emmett he'd be back soon and that he wasn't sure that Justin would be joining them for dinner.
"Justin's not coming for dinner?" Emmett asked, curious at the lack of Brian's former sponsor. "Why?" Emmett really wanted to ask if he and Justin were having problems but decided on an easier question instead.
"He's got a show coming up that he has to finish several pieces for. He should be here next week," Brian answered, feeling a little put out that he had to defend Justin's absence. After a few moments, he realized that Emmett was not accusing anyone of ill will, but was genuinely concerned with Justin's absence. "I'll tell him that you asked about him," Brian offered, feeling weird to offer the explanation.
"Oh. Is the show local? I'm not an artist but I really like the piece you bought. I wouldn't mind seeing more of his work," Emmett commented.
"Me too, Dad. Can we go to Justin's show?" Gus chimed in.
It hadn't occurred to Brian that Gus or Emmett might be interested in Justin's work. "Sure, we can see it. I'm not sure of the specifics, but we can ask Justin and plan on attending. I'll get you the info, Emmett. I'll have to tell Molly that we will have company."
"Who's Molly?" Gus asked as he had never heard that name before.
"She's Justin's sister. I took her to Justin's last event. She likes to support her brother but doesn't like all the pick-ups so she and I go together. She's safe with me as I have no interest in her."
Gus looked at his father and said, "You mean you take her on a fake date?"
Brian laughed at the way Gus phrased his question but nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, you could call it that. She isn't interested in getting hit on by guys. Evidently, art shows are a good place to pick up potential dates. Since she only wants to support Justin, my taking her works out great," Brian explained the logistics of how his actions benefited both of them. "She gets to see his work and go to his shows with someone she likes but there isn't any worry that I will be calling her and asking her out. This also keeps other guys from trying to pick her up while she is at the event."
Gus listened and tried to understand the situation but then proclaimed, "It doesn't matter since you are dating Justin. That would be weird to date him and his sister at the same time. He turned to Emmett and said, "Adults are weird. They have all kinds of rules about stuff. I think I won't ever date anybody. It's too complicated. Let's make dinner. I'm getting hungry."
Emmett laughed at Gus' statement and shrugged. "Adults are weird but one day you might want to date. It's a long way off so let's not worry about it. For now, let's go make our famous meatloaf." As Gus walked toward the kitchen, Emmett turned to Brian, "So you are dating Justin now. When did this happen? I want all the juicy details. I knew there was chemistry between you two. I could see the fireworks all along."
Brian shook his head and said, "Emmett, we are going on a date." Brian looked around and saw that Gus had gone into the kitchen so he didn't hesitate to add, "I have fucking no idea what to do on a date, but Justin seems to think I'll figure it out. But for now, I've got to go to a meeting and I don't want to be late." Brian grabbed his car keys from the basket by the door and left. He quickly put the conversation out of his mind and thought about his sobriety and the upcoming meeting.
********
On Sunday, Justin wasn't able to come to the meeting either and Brian was disappointed but understood he had work commitments. He stopped at the corner diner that was located by their Sunday meeting and grabbed a quick dinner. He quickly realized that eating alone was not nearly as enjoyable as joining Justin for dinner. Prior to his sobriety, he almost always ate dinner alone. It had been 8 months since he last took a drink and on the majority of those nights, Justin ate with him. He found he missed the company. Maybe that was what Justin meant by talking. Before he could really contemplate that thought, his phone rang.
He looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Lindsay. He was tempted to ignore the call but decided that was not a good option.
"Hello, To what do I owe your call? I thought we settled the summer camp stuff."
"Brian, the summer camp is fine. I'm calling because Gus said something at dinner about you dating. I thought you said there was nothing between you and Justin, that he was your sponsor. Isn't that unethical? I mean...."
Brian didn't let her finish. He had just paid his bill so he walked out of the restaurant and got in his car. Sitting in his car he put the phone on speaker and spoke, "It is none of your fucking business who I date or don't date. And don't you dare talk to me about ethics. Who is the one who cheated on her wife? It wasn't me. I don't tell you how to run your life and you don't get to tell me how to run mine," Brian said, hearing the rise in his voice.
"But Brian, this affects Gus. You can't date and have Gus on the weekends. It wouldn't be fair to him. After all, he's at an impressionable age."
Brian took several deep breaths before speaking. "Lindsay, you should really listen to what you are saying. Who said anything about dating when Gus is with me? There are only two nights a week that I have him. The last time I counted, there were 7 nights in a week. People with children go on dates all the time. They get a sitter or have a friend watch the kid. They have lives outside their children. I'm not going to take time away from Gus, especially when I only see him 2 days a week. Give me some credit, Linds."
"But Brian,...." she stopped, gathering her next arsenal of comments. "What happens if you and Justin don't work out? Gus talks about him all the time. It seems that he spends a lot of time with him. I don't want him to get hurt."
"Lindsay, you are such a hypocrite. Not every marriage works out. You and your she-wolf separated for a while after you cheated. Do you think that Gus was oblivious to the changes in his life? He missed her.... Why I don't know, but he did. I'm dating and anyone I date has to like Gus and vice versa. I'm not going to be that Dad who pawns his kid off on someone else because the person I'm with doesn't like him. Gus will always come first. I went to court to fight for my rights and I haven't changed my mind." Brian ran his hand across the top of his head and sighed again. He was getting tired of the conversation and having to defend his actions. He didn't feel that he should have to explain his personal life.
There was silence on the other end of the phone as Lindsay listened and tried to come up with a response.
"You shouldn't be talking to Gus about dating. He's too young," Lindsay tried one last argument
"Too young! Too young to witness two people enjoying each other's company. Too young to see two people who like each other. Too young for what exactly, Lindsay? From where I sit, a kid is never too young to know his parent is happy. Are you afraid that he'll see two people who really like spending time together and don't try to manipulate others? Well, if that is too young, then I'm sure he is too young." Brian responded, using his acerbic wit and quick thinking to counter Lindsay's attempt to discredit him.
"Brian, that isn't what I was talking about. I don't want him walking in on you and a guy. He doesn't need to see the parade of men that come through your home." Lindsay said, throwing his promiscuous behavior out for inspection.
"My sex life is none of your business and I'm not going to be having sex when Gus can walk in on me. Again, as I said, there are 7 days in a week and Gus is with me only 2 of them," Brian said, not telling her that he'd been celibate for the last 8 months and wasn't looking to change that any time soon. It was truly none of her business. "We're done, Lindsay. Just because you are Gus' mother, you don't get to dictate my life. I will date or not date, have sex or not have sex, and hang out with people I want to hang out with or without your input. As long as Gus is safe, happy, and not in jeopardy you have no say so. I don't tell you how to live your life and you don't get to tell me how to live mine. Goodbye," Brian said and hit the button to disconnect the phone. He took several deep breaths and looked at his phone. He pushed a button to make a call.
"Hey. What's up? Sorry, I couldn't make it this weekend. Things have been really crazy but I finished everything I needed to do. How was your weekend?"
Brian listened to Justin's voice and the words he spoke. "It was good until about 10 minutes ago."
Justin was happy to hear Brian's ring tone and had missed talking with him over the last few days. Brian's presence had become enmeshed in his life and he genuinely looked forward to spending time with him each day. He was really happy that he'd called but now he wondered if everything was okay and Brian was calling with bad news.
"What happened 10 minutes ago? Are you okay?" Justin asked, listening to Brian's tone and realizing that he sounded pissed rather than upset.
"I mentioned to Gus that we were going on a date but I didn't think to tell him not to tell anyone. I mean we talk about a lot of things and I don't really think about whether he can share the contents of our conversations. But evidently, at Sunday dinner he mentioned it and then I get this call from Lindsay who gives me the third degree. She starts off telling me it's unethical to date you and then the conversation got worse."
Justin felt a wave of sadness wash over him as he listened to Brian fearful that he was going to change his mind. "Wow. She really tried to come up with every reason why we shouldn't go out." Justin wanted to ask if Brian had changed his mind, but since Brian didn't bring it up, he didn't either. Sins of omission were just as bad as sins of commission but this time he was waiting to see what Brian did.
"I am an adult and she doesn't get to tell me what to do. She can tell Gus what to do as she is his mom, but not me. I'm not her spouse or her kid. I want to take you on a date and I'm going to do that," Brian said, finally telling Justin that he hadn't changed his mind. His voice had risen slightly at the beginning of his call, but had returned to its normal tone.
"I'm glad you still want to go on our date. I'm looking forward to it. Have you thought about what we will do?" Justin said, letting the breath out that he had been holding. He felt his heartbeat slowing down as the adrenaline stopped pumping.
"Of course, I still want to go. I never do things I don't want to do," Brian said, not realizing that Justin had feared that he would cancel their date. "And no, I haven't figured out where we will go or do, but I'm sure I will. It will be really short since we only have the time between when I drop Gus off at his party and I have to pick him up."
"I'm not concerned. It is our first date, after all. First dates are often short," Justin said. "You know, most people don't know if they will like the person so the first date is often something like a cup of coffee."
"Well, I could take you for coffee but we've had a lot of first dates if that is the case," Brian teased.
"Not really, since we've both paid our own way, it's not really a date," Justin said, finding the banter enjoyable.
"Oh, I see how it is. I have to pay your way for it to be a date. So whoever asks has to pay. I don't know. Coffee can get expensive, " Brian said tongue in cheek. "I'll have to think about if I can afford a cup of coffee or if you're worth it."
Justin laughed at Brian's light teasing. "I'm exhausted. I'll see you on Tuesday. I'm glad you called, Brian. I missed you."
"See you Tuesday. I look forward to it. I'll have to start saving my money for our big date," Brian said with a smile on his face. He pushed the button to end the call and put his phone back in his pocket. He was beginning to see that talking about things could be helpful.