Brian watched Justin walk to the elevator and laughed as Justin made a purposeful swish of his ass just for Brian's benefit. Justin heard the laugh and smiled but did not turn around. When Justin left his view, he closed the door, locked it up, and reset the alarm. He walked into the living room, grabbed his pen and journal, and sat down to write.
Justin and I went on a date tonight. It only took me two fucking months to figure out that I should ask him. I mean we kissed or rather he kissed me and then. Brian stopped writing and thought about what he wanted to put down for a few moments. Cleo had encouraged him to write a journal and up to this point, he had just written what came to mind. It was his journal and no one else would read it, or at least that was what his intentions were. He wondered why he hesitated to complete the sentence and realized that it probably had to do with the whole admitting his feelings thing that he'd been working through these last few days. He picked up the pen and began to write. Then my world changed. I have to admit that I'd been thinking about Justin and how I really enjoyed spending time with him. There was always something holding me back from letting him know. It was probably the unspoken acceptance that if I said something things would change. Change is hard and I'm not really comfortable with it but I don't think I'm the only one who is uncomfortable with change. Change can also be good as evidenced by the changes that I've made since I stopped drinking. I digress, I wasn't talking about change here but about Justin and my first kiss.
The kiss that added a whole new layer to Brian Kinney. I've always enjoyed kissing. It's often the first step in getting off. Kissing a guy, his tongue exploring your mouth, and your tongue exploring his adds another layer to my arousal. I picked out a trick by his looks but when we would kiss, I would taste him and smell him as I got closer. The feel of his tongue and teeth connecting with mine is a sensory smorgasbord of taste, touch, and smell and you add hearing if the guy is vocal and you've got all the senses covered.
When Justin kissed me it lit up my brain like fireworks. Even though it was a quick kiss, I remember feeling his afternoon stubble, smelling a mixture of dried sweat and a lingering ocean breeze that apparently he uses for body wash. I remember his quick murmur of mmmm as our mouths connected as well as his declaration that he could get used to waking up like this every day. Licking my lips after the first kiss, I could taste the Pad Thai that he had for dinner. I hadn't kissed anyone in over 6 months and the experience jolted me when I realized that I'd been kissed by Justin, a man whom I had fantasized about for a while.
Now that we got over our little freakout and decided to move forward with whatever the hell this is we have been kissing a lot. I've never seen kissing as anything but a prelude to sex, whether it be a blow job or more, but with Justin, it was just enjoyable and I didn't feel any pressure to move it to the next level.
And then ladies and gentlemen I asked him on a date. Who knew that these were the magic words to the Justin kingdom? We've been discussing relationships and dating for a few weeks and I guess I had to wrap my head around the whole concept. After all why date when I could have sex just for the asking? But Justin had made it clear from day one that he was not interested in a quick blow job or sex for just the purpose of getting off. He told me that he wasn't interested the first day we met when I suggested it and he has been adamant about not getting into my bed for a quick tumble.
Ted gave me a quick lesson on the purpose of dating and I guess it makes sense. According to him, people date in order to find someone they want to have a relationship with. If after a time the relationship doesn't gel, then they move on to the next candidate. Who knew that dating was so formalized? Since I never planned on finding a partner and didn't see any advantage to having one, dating had never been on my radar. After all, I could have sex anytime I wanted and I didn't see any need to have someone to share my life with. Geez, I'm not a lesbian. But then Justin came into the picture, or rather my life.
Justin is fun to hang out with. He's smart and funny and Gus really likes him.
Gus is a pretty good judge of character. He once told me that he stopped being friends with a boy because he taunted some kid on the playground. Kids can be cruel but at least my kid knows that laughing at someone else's expense is not cool. And the kissing is amazing. If I had to make a choice for a date on kissing alone, Justin would be a 10+. I have no idea what is so mesmerizing about his kisses but they are amazing. When I kiss him, I inhale his smell which is a mixture of ocean breeze and a faint hint of turpentine. I taste his mouth which is fresh as he frequently pops Altoids in it. I feel the suppleness of his lips which are sometimes chapped as a result of his habit of biting them. Last, but not least are the little noises he makes which mirror his enjoyment. I wonder if he even knows how vocal he is? You get the idea. Fireworks for my brain. I guess I like fireworks - who knew?
We started kissing a few months ago. I find that I look forward to it. We kiss hello and goodbye and at first, the kiss lasted a short time, maybe 5 -10 seconds. They were longer than the quick kiss that I would give Mikey but definitely not a prelude to anything more. But then they got longer and when we would meet up for dinner after our meeting the kisses turned into make-out sessions. Geez, I sound like a teenager talking about their first boyfriend. But in a way, I kind of am like a teenager and Justin is my first relationship.
Justin has been educating me on dating etiquette and we've been talking about dating for a while. A few weeks ago when I was writing in my journal I realized that he was gently pushing me toward the dating thing and probably hoping I would be like the big fish and take the bait. I guess it worked and I can't say I'm upset about it. We attend AA meetings five times a week together and sometimes six, depending on whether he can attend the Friday afternoon meeting with me. I attend my Monday meeting and talk to Cleo after that one. But the other meetings we attend together and then continue our routine of cooking dinner together and then enjoy a short kissing session.
But tonight, I made the effort of planning an activity and we weren't getting together after a meeting or with Gus in tow. It is not a good idea to have a make-out session in front of your kid. Lindsay did have a point that I don't want Gus walking in on us even doing more than kissing, which he has seen and wasn't freaked out by.
Sure the activity was short but it was planned and I think Justin enjoyed my idea. We were really enjoying the Incline but had to leave so I could pick up Gus. I guess both of us had the same idea as we got down to the kissing as soon as we were sure he was asleep.
Justin made the first move, unbuttoning my shirt and working his way down to my jeans and eventually my cock. When he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled out my cock, his hand was a mixture of strength and softness. His caress was like silk on my cock, but the firmness of his grip and the way his fingers glided over my cockhead brought me to full arousal in a moment. I, at least, had a few brain cells still firing to realize we should continue our activities somewhere more private.
After suggesting we move to my bedroom, we both stood there like two inexperienced first-timers, unsure what to do next, although I'm not really sure I can remember being shy about sexual activity. I could feel my cock still straining in my underwear, eager for his touch, and moved toward the bed, signaling that we should move there. Justin quickly joined me and resumed his exploration, quickly asking for permission to take off my jeans, freeing my cock, and providing easier access. I lifted my hips and then helped Justin get them off and I did the same for him. Justin was naked, I had taken off his shirt earlier and I had my shirt on but it was unbuttoned.
I had my first look at his naked body. Justin was beautiful, the combination of alabaster skin with a modestly fit body made me even harder if that was possible. It was obvious that he did not spend hours in the gym as he didn't sport defined muscles but his abs were firm and he had a gentle strength to him. He stands a lot while painting and that takes a certain amount of strength and fortitude. He's also talked about lifting the heavy canvases and carting them to different shows and galleries. I guess in his line of work there is an inherent amount of physical labor. I digress. He licked his lips making them a shiny, wet red delight. My brain took over and all it could think about was the idea of his delicious mouth engulfing my cock. I knew what a talented kisser he was and my brain shortcircuited when I thought about my cock and him kissing it. His cock was impressive, thick but not long and I wanted to explore it as well. Without really thinking, I positioned him on the bed so we could enjoy each other.
His talented tongue and lips did not disappoint my cock. He explored my balls, my shaft, the slit, and the sensitive mushroom head, giving each area the attention it commanded. Before I wanted to have his blow job end, I felt my balls tightening and ready to shoot. I warned him and he wanted it all so I shot it down his throat. I don't know if the difference was that it was a blow job versus my right hand, but the orgasm was forceful and left me drained. I hope he enjoyed my part as well.
When we had recovered, I asked him if we had to date anymore or could just skip to the sex. Of course, I was only half-joking as I can't imagine what sex would be like if a simple 69 was so mind-blowing. Of course, he declined and said we still had to date.
I really like the idea of getting to know Justin. A big question has been answered. Is he good at sex? Not that I really questioned that answer and I find that I don't think it would bother me if he was a little inept. Techniques can be taught and I know I am an expert in that arena. For me, it is the idea that we could do this again and I get to spend time with him. I enjoyed doing something with just the two of us. That surprised me. I wasn't sure it would be any different than the dinners that we've been sharing for the last 8 months but it was different. This seemed more intentional, more important. Sure, we go to meetings and eat dinner afterward on most nights. But I would go to meetings regardless of his presence or at least I hope I would. And everyone has to eat. Mind you I would probably eat at Liberty Diner as I've been doing for the last umpteen years, but instead, now we eat at each other's homes. It is more intentional to shop for food and think about cooking for two, but making a special plan to eat together that is not tied to a meeting holds some interest to me.
I don't think I would find it difficult to eat dinner with Justin when we weren't finishing a meeting and discussing the topic of the day with each other. We didn't bring up AA once tonight and I'm beginning to understand the need to have separate spaces for your recovery work and your personal life. I need a safe space to talk about my issues without fear that Justin would feel an obligation to help.
After tonight's activities, I can see that dating is very different than hanging out after a meeting or with Gus. I hope now that the sexual stuff has been introduced, we can continue.
I hadn't realized how much I miss sex. That didn't come out right and I refuse to erase whatever I write. Sure, I had sex or participated in some type of sex act 2-3 times or more every day. When you go from that much to nothing but your right hand, it is a big adjustment. What I think I'm saying is that I was purposefully not seeking sex and my mind had gotten to the point where I was accepting that I had a sex addiction as well as an alcohol addiction. It was just another way to not face my feelings and live life. If your mind is constantly thinking about where your next trick is, then you aren't focusing on the here and now and what is happening.
I would never admit and it would not be lying that I ever thought of sex as anything but getting off and meeting my needs. But after being with Justin these last few months, I'm beginning to see that it was definitely an addiction for me. I hid my feelings of inadequacy under the guise of my sexual prowess. I always got the guy off. I found that getting the guy off always made sure that he ensured I got off too. No use in wasting a good hard-on just to have a mediocre blow job or a loose hole. No wonder I was so eager to get back to Babylon those first few months. Random sex meant that I was a powerful force and no one questioned my desires. I didn't have to look at why I wanted sex so often but I've come to realize that for me sexual prowess meant that I was successful, that I was good and obviously hot. I didn't have to think about how I was mistaking my success in the sex department for not having any close relationships and not really being fine. Through talking and writing and listening to meetings, I've come to realize that I was mistaking my prowess for success in other parts of my life. I didn't need anyone as long as I could get my dick serviced and since I could have my dick serviced by anyone of my choosing, I did obviously not need anyone in my life. I know that having other people in your life is key to living a fuller life and having sex is not the way to grow your personal circle.
I survived my first date and if every date ends with the mind-blowing way this one did, I'm all for more dates. Justin said he would plan the next one. I wonder if we'll move on to the full-blown version of sex after that one? I like the idea but I'm not certain Justin is eager to go there yet. If I'm honest as much as I'd like to nail him to the mattress, I think he may be right. What has my world come to when the thought of full-blown on sex, nailing a guy to the mattress and the confirmation that I am Brian fucking Kinney does not make me jump? I think that I'm realizing that there is a whole world out there that does not involve sex or alcohol but does involve making friends and living life.
That's enough philosophy for today. I better get some sleep.
Brian closed the book, put away his pen, and placed the journal back on the shelf. He got ready for bed and slept soundly as visions of Justin danced in his head.
When Gus got up the next morning, Brian was still asleep so he got on the computer and played some Minecraft. Brian had told him he could get on the computer and play games so he knew it was okay.
He went into the kitchen and poured himself some orange juice and placed the glass on the island. His Dad would kill him if he drank anything by the computer and accidentally spilled it. He was drinking his juice and remembered the party favors that his friend had given him at his party. He took out the bag to see what was inside. There were a few pieces of candy, a cool little Minecraft notepad, and a small Lego kit. He opened up the set and poured the contents of the Legos on the island. He picked up the instructions and reviewed them, thinking that it would be fun to put them together while he waited for his Dad to wake up. He had just started sorting the pieces when Brian appeared, hair sticking out in multiple directions and his eyes still slightly squinting at the light.
"Morning, Sonny Boy. Time for coffee," Brian said as he walked to the sink to fill a measuring cup with water.
Once his father had poured the water into the reservoir, Gus asked, "Dad, what time does the Fort open? You said we could go today."
Brian pulled out his phone and tapped on the weather app, verifying the weather for the day. "Sure. We talked about it and the weather report hasn't changed. Justin said he'd be interested too. Let me shoot him a text and we can finalize the time."
Brian and Gus met Justin at Fort Pitt at 11:00 that morning. They spent the day at the museum and enjoyed the Meadowcroft Historic Village, the Indian village, and the Frontier Trading Post. Gus took a lot of pictures and Justin pointed out some interesting angles and views for him to photograph.
Brian and Justin gave each other knowing glances during the day, trying to keep their heightened sexual tension away from Gus' observation. Gus was so enthralled with their visit and all the places to see that he was oblivious to the new level that their relationship had taken.
When they returned to Brian's loft after their visit, Gus went to take a quick shower, and Brian went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for him and Justin. Brian looked at the clock on the microwave when he went into the kitchen, noticing that they only had about thirty minutes before Emmett would show up. He brought the bottled water to Justin and sat down on the couch next to him.
"It's a shame we only have half an hour and that Gus is in the shower," Brian said as he twisted off the cap of the bottle.
"Oh," Justin said, raising his eyebrows in mock questioning.
"Wouldn't want Gus to finish his shower and find us in the bedroom. That would be awkward, and Lindsay would have a field day. I guess we have to wait until he goes to sleep tonight for a repeat performance," Brian said, stating his interest in repeating their activities from the previous night.
"I guess we should wait, yes. But that doesn't mean you can't kiss me. The shower is still running and we could enjoy that, you know a prelude to what will come later," Justin suggested, putting down his bottle of water on the coaster on the table.
Brian put down his bottle of water and leaned over to kiss Justin, not bothering to respond with words. He quickly was lost in the now-familiar taste, smell, and feel of Justin's mouth. All too soon for both men, they heard the shower turn off and Gus walking to his bedroom. Brian was happy that he had two bathrooms in the loft. At least Gus had his own bathroom to use. It meant that they could both get ready at the same time and gave Brian the only privacy he had when Gus came to visit. At least he could be alone during the time he showered.
Gus came out of his room and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. "Justin, you're coming for dinner, right?" Gus asked as he returned to the living room and sat down in the chair opposite the couch.
"Of course. What are you and Emmett cooking up tonight?" Justin asked, crossing his legs, hoping Gus didn't notice the tenting in his jeans. He wasn't sure how much Gus really knew about sex, but he didn't want to be the one who instigated that discussion.
Gus drank some water and said, "Dad and I bought some chickpeas and chicken and we're making some Indian dish. Emmett said that it's really good but I don't know if I like Indian food. Do you like Indian food?" Gus asked.
"I do like Indian food and it is really easy to cook. The spices are different than you might be used to eating but I bet you'll like it too. It's always good to try new things," Justin said.
The buzzer rang and Gus went to answer the intercom, thinking that it would be Emmett. It was and he buzzed him up.
Emmett came into the loft and greeted everyone. "Oh, it's good to see you, Justin. Everyone missed you last weekend. I can't wait to see your show. Brian said it is in a few weeks," Emmet said and gave Justin a hug.
Justin hugged him back and said, "Oh, that will be fun. I hope you like my work."
"Dad is going to take your sister and be her fake date," Gus chimed in.
Justin laughed and said, "Well, I guess you could consider it a fake date as they aren't interested in a relationship. But I'm sure Molly just considers that Brian is helping her out by keeping the guys away while she supports my work."
"And on that note, I think it is time that Justin and I left for our meeting," Brian said, not wanting to get another discussion about dating. He opened the door and waved Justin toward it. Turning around toward Gus and Emmett, he said, we'll see you in a few hours. I can already taste the Indian chicken."
Brian and Justin walked toward Brian's car. Justin commented, "Fake dating? I think that is an interesting label. I'll have to share it with Molly. On the other hand, I'm glad that we did not go on a fake date last night. I had a lot of fun."
"I did too. I can't believe that it took me so long to ask you for a date. If I had known that dating would result in a mind-blowing blow job, I would have done it a long time ago," Brian said, as he leaned it to kiss Justin before he walked to the passenger side of the car.
Justin got in the car and waited until Brian got in and started driving to their meeting before he responded. "Brian, dating isn't all about sex. It's about getting to know the person to see if you are compatible and want to develop a relationship with them," Justin said, as he responded to Brian's earlier comment.
Brian turned onto the main street and said, "I know what dating is for. I think I've had enough conversations with people in the last few weeks that I understand its purpose. I'm just saying that the sex was great. I can't stop thinking about how good it was and I can't wait to do it again," Brian said, sharing his thoughts with Justin.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. I enjoyed the date too. It will be fun to do it again," Justin said as he opened the car door.
Brian was glad to hear that Justin had enjoyed the evening as well. After so much angst over the event, Brian was glad that it went so well. He wanted to share the success with Cleo and show him that he didn't have anything to worry about.
They attended the meeting and returned to the loft for dinner with Gus. After Gus went to sleep, Brian and Justin started making out on the couch like two teenagers. After a few minutes, Brian motioned his hand toward the bedroom but Justin shook his head.
"While I enjoyed last night a lot, I don't want every time we get together to end up in bed." Justin said, giving Brian a smile and hoping that this would go over okay.
Brian frowned but said, "Okay. I just want to go on record saying I'm disappointed. Is it because Gus is in the other room?"
"No. Gus has nothing to do with it. I just think we need to take the sex stuff slowly too," Justin said.
Brian reached out to Justin and kissed him, enjoying the feel of his lips, the smell of his skin, and the lingering taste of the Indian food they had for dinner. After about 20 minutes, Justin pulled back.
"I hate to break this up, but I need to get going. I've got a busy day tomorrow and if I have any hope of meeting you at the AA meeting, I'm going to have to start my day earlier than normal," Justin said, grabbing his empty water bottle and taking it to the kitchen.
Brian followed him into the kitchen and looked around to ensure that everything from dinner had been put away and that the kitchen was clean. Satisfied he said, "Have a good evening. See you tomorrow." Brian walked Justin to the door and watched as he got on the elevator.
On Sunday, Brian and Gus ran some errands and hung out together until Brian had to drop Gus off at Debbie's, and then went to his regular Sunday meeting where he met Justin. After the meeting, they went to Justin's apartment to cook dinner. Following dinner, they made out for a bit but did not repeat their sex activities from Friday night.
Monday was busy as usual but Brian looked forward to meeting with Cleo after their meeting. When they were seated at the diner, Cleo asked his normal question, "How are you?"
"I'm fabulous and just for your information, the date went off without a hitch. We went to the Incline and though it was a short visit, we enjoyed it. It was nice to have Justin by himself, without Gus." Brian stopped what he was saying and expanded his statement. "That didn't come out right. I see Justin a lot without Gus, but this time it was an intentional date and that has never happened before. Having an intentional destination makes a difference. Afterward, we had some mind-blowing sex.
In fact, I don't know why I waited so long. We enjoyed each other a lot and I can't stop thinking about the sex. I haven't had sex in so long, it's all I can do to keep from dragging him to the nearest half-secluded place and have my way with him." Brian never hesitated to share his sexual exploits with anyone and he didn't feel the need to do so now, even though Cleo was not gay.
Cleo's internal alarms went off, blaring in his head. His role as a sponsor was hearing concerning things from Brian. "I see."
Brian could hear the hesitation in Cleo's voice and his adrenaline started pumping through his body. He didn't understand why his hesitation was causing his body to feel anxious but he had learned to recognize the feeling. While he knew he would not ask the waitress for a drink or find the closest liquor store to address his anxiety, he was still uncomfortable.
"Talk. I'm not a delicate flower and won't crumble," Brian said, stealing himself for whatever Cleo was going to say.
Cleo felt the waves of anger radiating from Brian's body and the tone of his voice left no room for interpretation. Brian was upset.
"I know you're not delicate and I respect you for all that you have accomplished," Cleo said, trying to calm Brian down.
Brian let out his breath, feeling his body slow down the adrenaline dump it had started a few minutes earlier. "Then why the hesitation? What the fuck is going on, Cleo?"
Cleo took a deep breath and chose his words carefully. "Brian, let me start by saying I'm glad that you had a good time on your date. However, your statement regarding sex bothers me."
"What the hell are you talking about, Cleo? If me talking about doing it with Justin is going to bother you, then I think we should just stop your sponsorship here," Brian said, feeling defensive.
"Woah, calm down. I'm not sure what has you so upset. I'm not here to stop you from dating," Cleo started his explanation. "You've said yourself that sex has been off the table since you got sober and that you think that you were probably addicted to sex like you were addicted to alcohol. Your statement about thinking about when you could have sex again and it being at the forefront of your mind sent large claxon warning bells going off in my head. You've been doing so well with your sobriety and I don't want your sexual activities to become a renewed addiction. When you said that you can't stop thinking about the sex, well..."
Brian nodded in understanding and took a few deep breaths, trying to center himself before responding. "I see. So, it's not that you disapprove of my having sex, but that you are afraid I'll go back to my addiction."
"Right," Cleo said, happy that Brian seemed to be rationally talking about the subject.
"Unlike alcohol, sex is not something I'm willing to give up forever. I guess there could be worse things?" Brian said, tongue in cheek.
Cleo laughed. "I guess there could be worse things than being addicted to sex with the same person. But seriously, Brian. I don't want to see you going back to square one and starting your addiction with sex as a substitute for your addiction to alcohol. As your sponsor, I just felt that I had to say something. You've worked so hard that I would hate to see you backslide. That is one of the reasons AA suggests that you hold off on any new relationships for at least a year. Regardless of whether you and Justin have sex, the newness of any relationship is like an addiction. Your body dumps a lot of endorphins into your blood, just like alcohol does."
"So that is the reason why AA discourages relationships? I knew there was something that people weren't talking about. I've heard people go on and on about avoiding dating and relationships, but no one would really put it into concrete words as you did. But I can't believe that every person who is addicted to alcohol is addicted to sex?" Brian said, ending with somewhat of a question.
"No, I doubt that everyone who is addicted to alcohol is also addicted to sex, but it is unfortunate that people stop drinking only to move to a different type of addictive behavior. Addiction is a brain response and the brain wants to have all of its pleasure receptors satisfied. Sex is a wonderful way to light up the brain's pleasure receptors and while sex won't get your car wrapped around a tree, it can become so addictive that your brain seeks it out so it can get its fix." Cleo explained, giving Brian a quick lesson in physiology.
"So, you're telling me that my brain lights up every time I have sex just like it did when I would get drunk?" Brian asked, making sure he understood Cleo.
‘Sort of. Pleasure lights up your brain, sending endorphins out to your body when you drink. Studies have shown that heavy drinkers find that drinking sends out endorphins and alcoholics drink to get those endorphins flowing through their bodies. Sex, well orgasm also sends out endorphins. That is why you feel so good when you have sex. Endorphins are the feel-good chemical and whether they come from the same part of your brain when you drink or have sex, the result is similar." Cleo said, explaining the role that endorphins play in addiction.
"But I like sex and I am good at it. Are you telling me that every time I have sex, I'm risking my sobriety?" Brian asked, not liking where this conversation was headed.
"No. Feeling good and enjoying an endorphin dump is not a bad thing nor is it necessarily a prelude to addiction. I just want you to be aware that it would be possible to become addicted to sex just like you were addicted to alcohol. Based on our discussions, you were probably addicted to sex and alcohol," Cleo said.
"So, what does this exactly mean for me, dating, and sex? I mean, I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life," Brian said, tongue in cheek.
"It just means that you need to be honest with yourself, Brian. You need to be aware of the pull of those endorphins and ensure that the sex you are having is because you want to have sex not because you miss or want the endorphins. Sex feels good for a variety of reasons, not the least because it makes you closer to the person you are having sex with," Cleo said as the waitress brought their food to the table.
Both men stopped talking while they ate a few bites of their respective meals. This gave Brian some time to digest Cleo's statements as well as his dinner.
"I have to think about my sex life too. Geez, is there nothing in my life that I don't have to dissect and look at under a microscope? First I stop drinking, then I learn that I have to talk and now you are telling me I have to be careful about sex, not because I could catch some fatal disease, but because it can become as addicting as alcohol." Brian said, feeling a little defeated.
"Brian. If sobriety were terrible, more people would start drinking again. You've said to yourself that your life is so much better now that you are not drinking. I encourage you to congratulate yourself on your accomplishments and just be aware of what having sex means for your body. We all want to feel good. It is human nature to seek out things that make us feel good. I just want you to be aware of how sex affects your body." Cleo took a few more bites of his dinner and drank some water. It was times like these that he sometimes wished that he could have had a sip or two of alcohol, but he knew that was never going to be possible. He hated to be the person who pushed his sponsoree but knew in this instance he would be committing a grave disservice to Brian if he didn't talk about his own fears regarding Brian's sexual behavior.
"Got it. Stay sober. Talk. and be careful about sex. Do you have any more words of wisdom about my future life?" Brian said, with a little sarcasm in his voice. "I get it Cleo. You are just trying to be a good sponsor and help me understand that I need to be careful. I just wonder if I'll ever figure it all out."
"You are doing great, Brian. Let's change the subject. I think we're done with the sex talk," Cleo said as he took another bite of his meatloaf.
"Sounds good to me. My life is going pretty well," Brian started and proceeded to share other challenges that he had navigated through the week.
They talked and ate and by the end of dinner, Brian was feeling in control. "Thanks, Cleo. I know that I reacted poorly to your earlier discussion, but I understand why you needed to bring it up. I appreciate you. I promise to think about our discussion." Brian said as he waved to the waitress to bring them their check.
"Good. I just want to help and I know sex can be a land mine, even if you are not an alcoholic. I just want to be sure you have the tools to handle things," Cleo said. "Don't hesitate to call me if you are feeling anxious during the week.
"I won't," Brian said as he left money on the table for the waitress including a big tip. "I'll check in tomorrow.
"Good. I'll look forward to it. Don't forget that you can use your journal to help you process your thoughts." Cleo reminded Brian.
"I do. I write in it almost every night. It has helped a lot." They left the restaurant and Brian walked to his car. He drove home and thought about sex, endorphins, and Justin.
On his way home, his phone rang and he saw Justin's name come up on the screen. He did not hesitate to answer the phone.
"Hey," Brian said
"Hi. I just wanted to tell you that I missed you tonight. Are you free for lunch tomorrow? We could get together," Justin asked, hoping Brian wanted to meet him.
"I think that can be arranged," Brian said, mentally reviewing his calendar for the next day.
"Good. Why don't we meet at the diner on 7th? It's not too far from your work," Justin suggested but thought that it was also not too far from Brian's loft. He hoped that maybe they could enjoy a little more than food.
"Sounds good. See you tomorrow. I'll text you a time after I look at my calendar and double-check things." Brian said as he calculated how long he could stretch his lunch and still get the prep work done that he needed for the meeting on Wednesday. He could feel those endorphins lighting up his brain in anticipation of tomorrow. He hoped he wasn't wrong about Justin's intentions.
TBC