Brian, Justin, and Gus had a great weekend.  On Saturday the three of them went to the zoo and the weather was perfect; the animals were awake and moving.  It was not too hot for them and not too cold for the human visitors.  Justin spent a lot of time showing Gus tricks to photograph moving objects and since most of the animals moved rather slowly, Gus was able to get some great pictures.  Saturday night Gus and Emmett cooked and Brian and Justin went to their meeting and then joined the cooks for another wonderful meal.  After the meal, Brian and Justin watched a movie and made out a little and then Justin left. On Sunday Brian and Gus ran errands, picking up some new clothes for Gus as he had already outgrown some of the items that Brian had purchased a few months ago.  He was beginning to appreciate the term growing boy in a literal context.  Justin did not go with them as he spent the day in his studio. 

After Brian dropped Gus off at Debbie's he called Lindsay.  He usually dropped Gus off early since he had to go to the AA meeting.  He hoped he would catch her at home since it was a good hour before most of the family didn't arrive at Debbie's before 6:00.

"Brian," she answered on the first ring.  She was still really angry with him from the incident earlier in the week; however, his warning to her regarding keeping Gus away was enough to deter her from calling again.  She and Mel had discussed the matter and felt that allowing Brian to "fuck up" by not having appropriate arrangements in place would be to their advantage.  They had discussed that one of them would arrange to be available during the first few days of Gus' program so that Gus would not be left unsupervised and Brian could demonstrate how inept he really was at the parent responsibility task.  Therefore, she was surprised to hear from him.

"Lindsay.  I just called to tell you that I signed Gus up for an afternoon program for the summer.  This way he has something to do all day and no one has to leave their work in the middle of the day.  He and I sat down with the different brochures and he picked out the one he wanted to do.  I've registered him for the program and of course, it is already paid for.  He's looking forward to it already. They alternate between building Lego robots and cooking.  I signed him up for two programs in the summer; both of them involve art, but then he'll do the Lego's one session and cooking in the afternoons.  There were some other short sessions also but I wasn't sure if you were planning your annual vacation before school and I know he said something about soccer camp too.  Since the soccer camp is offered multiple times, I figured I could sign him up for that after you guys figured things out."  Brian did not talk about the phone call or the incident at his work, choosing only to provide the relevant information.  He did not want to get into a discussion and wanted her to know it was a done deal. 

"Since it is on my side of town, he can stay with me for the summer while he's attending camp or you can take him and I'll pick him up and bring him home.  We can discuss that as it gets closer."  He had not stopped talking, therefore, not allowing Lindsay to interrupt or comment. 

"Brian,"  Lindsay said, impressed with all that he'd accomplished but still wanting the last word.

He interrupted her, not giving her time to even finish her sentence.  "I've got to go to my meeting.  I'll talk to you later,'  Brian added, and then he disconnected the call.

Melanie came into the room and asked, "Was that Brian?  I thought I heard the phone ring and you say his name but then I didn't hear anything else.  What did the asshole say?"

Lindsay registered Melanie's question after a few moments as she put down her phone.  Turning toward Melanie, she said, "He said he registered Gus for two afternoon programs:  a Lego one and a cooking one.  This way Gus is busy all day.  He then offered to have him stay with him for the summer since the programs are on his side of town.  He did say we could take him to the program and then he would pick him up and bring him home if that was what we wanted."

"Oh,"  Melanie said, surprised at the information and the swiftness that Brian completed the task. 

"Maybe you were wrong.  Maybe, he has changed,"  Lindsay said, not having fully processed the phone call. 

"We'll see.  I still plan on having a backup.  On the other hand, if Kinney keeps Gus and takes him to and from this hoity-toity camp, that means we have a lot of freedom this summer.  We could enjoy a lot of the free concerts, extended hours at the museums, and other activities that we haven't been able to go to since we had Gus and daycare.  I'll bet Kinney will regret his offer after a few days when he has an 11-year-old to deal with every day.  I love Gus, but he can be a handful."

"I think it would be great if we could enjoy some of the evening options this summer.  It's already March and I can start looking at the summer programs.  I see so many of them and always wished we could go.  Now we can.  Brian's sobriety has definitely paid off for us,"  Lindsay smiled and walked over to her computer to start her research.  "I know we have to leave in about a half hour to go to Deb's but I'd like to get started."

******

Brian smiled when he got off the phone, pleased with his call.  He continued driving to the AA meeting and hoped Justin would already be there so he could share his success.  When he pulled into the parking lot, Justin's car was there and that made him smile again.  He noticed that he smiled a lot when Justin and Gus were around and that his moods, in general, were more positive now that he wasn't drinking. 

Walking into the room, he spotted Justin by the coffee table and went to say hi.  They had agreed that they would keep their greetings neutral or light with no more than a hug since hugs were common among the participants.  They were not ashamed of their budding relationship, but they decided that an AA meeting was not the venue to share PDAs, although they didn't realize that the looks between them were easily recognizable as those between two people who had more than a casual relationship. 

"You look happy, like the cat that ate the canary,"  Justin said as he walked toward the chairs with his coffee.

"I called Lindsay on the way over.  She said "hello" and before she could say anything else, I told her all about the second program I set up for Gus and I told her that he could stay with me since it was on my side of town.  I gave her the facts and then said I had to go and hung up.  I didn't give her an opportunity to discuss it since it is already done and there is no discussion.  I did offer that she could take Gus to the program and I would pick him up and take him back to their house.  I might have just set myself up for summer with Gus rather than a few weeks."

"I'm proud of you.  You seem really excited about the prospect of having Gus all summer or at least seeing him every day.  A few months ago you were worried about what to do with him when you had him for the whole weekend.  That is really exciting.  If you need help, you know that I'd be willing to pick him up or watch him if you needed to work.  He's a cool kid and I think he'd be fine with that,"  Justin offered, thinking that spending time with Gus and Brian during the summer would be fun.  "Maybe we can hit some of those extended hours events at the zoo or art museum.  I bet Gus would like them."

Brian looked at Justin with a confused look on his face.  "You'll have to enlighten me.  I have no idea what you are talking about,'  Brian said as he sat down in one of the chairs in the small circle. 

"In the summer, many places have extended hours on certain days.  This allows people to enjoy the extra daylight and to hit the museums or zoo in the evening, not just on the weekend.  Since many people go on vacation in the summer, this also offers an opportunity for out-of-town visitors to enjoy events as well.  There are typically free concerts, special exhibits, and a whole lot of other stuff that is offered in the summer.  People like to get out in the summer and this is a great way to expose people to all the city has to offer,"  Justin explained.  He took out his phone and typed in summer programs in Pittsburgh and then showed the screen to Brian.  "See, these are just a few of the offerings that the city has to offer.  I bet if you, me, and Gus got on the computer, we could make a whole separate list of summer activities we wanted to try.  It would be fun,"  Justin said, excited about the possibility of someone joining him in the evenings during the summer months. 

"I had no idea.  Summer was no different than any other season when I was drinking.  It just meant different campaign deadlines.  Since I spent all my spare time at Woody's and Babylon, the only difference was that during the summer, I didn't need a coat check,"  Brian said, admitting he had never thought about any of the events the city offered.  "It would be great to do some activities with Gus or just enjoy the daylight.  Winter is just so dreary with all the gray skies."

"The meeting is starting.  I guess we can continue this later,'  Justin said, smiling at Brian and turning toward the speaker.  As usual, they paid attention to the speaker and the comments made by the group, each man applying the conversation to his specific life.  After the meeting, they walked out to their cars and chatted.

"So, my place tonight?  I seem to remember you agreeing to help cook dinner,"  Brian asked, verifying that nothing had changed from the previous evening.

"Sounds like a plan, I'm definitely hungry.  I have to stop to get gas so I'll be a few minutes late,"  Justin said and he walked toward his car.

As Brian drove home, he marveled at the domesticity of his life: leaving work early on Fridays,  spending weekends with Gus, and then cooking dinner with Justin on Sunday nights.  It seemed a lifetime ago when his entire world revolved around going to Babylon and Woody's and having anonymous sex with as many willing men as he could each night. He hadn't had sex in 7 months unless you counted jerking off with his own right hand, sex.  

As he walked into the loft, he took his wallet, keys, and phone into the bedroom, placing them on his nightstand.  He was already dressed in casual clothes since it was Sunday and he hadn't come from work.  He went to the kitchen to gather the ingredients for their dinner.  Justin buzzed and Brian let him up.  He waited at the door while the elevator made its way to the top floor and then watched as Justin exited the car.  Justin walked to Brian and then hugged him.  After the hug, Brian leaned down to kiss Justin, giving him a proper welcome.  They stood outside Brian's loft for several minutes as they enjoyed the kiss.  Reluctantly Brian pulled away when he heard the rumble of Justin's stomach.

"I guess that is your subtle hint that we should cook dinner,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. 

Justin laughed and said, "Sounds like a plan." 

They walked into the kitchen and Justin got out several pans so they could start dinner.  They worked side by side as they prepared the food.

"I was thinking on the way home from our meeting how domestic my life has become,"  Brian commented as he placed the chicken in the pan. 

"And what did you think about this revelation?"  Justin asked, casually, curious as to Brian's thoughts.

"I was okay with it, but I got to thinking about what my life was like before I got sober and how at this time on a Sunday night I'd be coming home from Debbie's and thinking about going to Woody's and Babylon later.  My life really was all about getting my dick serviced," Brian said, looking toward Justin to see his reaction.

While Justin had heard Brian talk a little about his past promiscuity, he had never pushed for details, feeling it wasn't his place. He was a little surprised that Brian had brought the topic up.

"Do you miss it?"  The worlds just came out of his mouth and he didn't try to overthink them. Justin added the spices to the chicken and then placed the pan in the oven.  "I'll set the timer for 45 minutes.  Do you want to make some potatoes or rice to go with it?"

"Rice would be good.  I'll get the rice cooker out," said as he thought about Justin's question. He reached for the rice cooker, placed it on the counter, and measured the rice and water, placing them in the cooker.

"Do I miss it?  That is actually a hard, no pun intended question to answer.  There have been a few conversations about sex at AA, and if I'm honest I would say I was probably addicted to sex like I was addicted to alcohol," Brian said, as he turned on the rice cooker, not missing a beat in the conversation.  "Let's grab some water and we can talk in the living room.  That way we can be comfortable."  Brian reached into the fridge, grabbed two waters, and gave one to Justin.

They sat on opposite ends of the couch so they could easily see each other.  Both men turned their bodies, facing each other but far enough apart to not be in each other's space.  Brian twisted his bottle top and took a long drink of his water, put the cap back on, and then placed the water bottle on the coaster on the coffee table. 

"You think you were addicted to sex and to alcohol.  It's not uncommon to have more than one addiction.  I'm curious about that.  Do you want to share?"  Justin said, wondering where this conversation was leading.

"I got off 3-4 times a night and sometimes more.  I would cruise Woody's, Babylon, hell anywhere I happened to be and look for someone to do.  It was really the only thing I was interested in.  I didn't have hobbies and I couldn't work all the time; although sometimes it felt like I did."

"Okay.  You had a lot of sex.  But I take it that isn't the case anymore?"  Justin asked, wondering if Brian would ask about his sexual experiences.

Brian used one hand to run through his hair and then pinched the bridge of his nose with the same hand.  "Remember when you had offered to go with me to Babylon so I could allegedly go dancing, but I canceled it at the last minute?"

"Sure, but that was months ago and you were pretty new at the sobriety thing,"  Justin said, remembering how relieved he was that Brian had changed his mind.  "Do you pick up tricks in other places?"

"During the first week or so of my sobriety, I realized that I needed to stay away from Babylon and went to Grindr to hook up a few times.  But, other than that, it's been me and my right hand for a long time.  Someday I plan to go back.  I thought you should know.  I mean I'd like to go back with you and I don't want you to be surprised." Brian added, the last sentence hoping to let Justin know that he wanted him to join him.

"I take it that you mean going back to Babylon?"  Justin asked for clarification, wanting to make sure he was following the conversation.

"Yeah, Babylon,"  Brian agreed.

Justin felt like he'd been punched in the gut and his face showed his feelings.  He tried to keep his voice from betraying him as well.  "Okay.  But I'm a little confused.  Do you want to go back to Babylon and pick up tricks or do you want to go back to Babylon so you can dance with me?  Or is it both?"  Justin felt alarm bells ringing in his head, but he wanted Brian to walk him through his thought processes.

Brian looked at Justin.  He was playing with his water bottle, twirling it around and he appeared to be trying to keep his voice neutral but he could hear the hesitation in it.  He wondered briefly when he got to be so good at reading his companion. 

"Oh shit,"  Brian said, realizing how his statement hurt Justin's feelings. 

"Brian, we're trying to figure out if we want a relationship.  We've not really talked about what that means, except to say we want to explore it.  I mean, if you want to go to Babylon and have anonymous sex, that is your choice.  But, I'm not going to go with you and watch you pick up other guys.  And, I'm not really sure that going to Babylon and having anonymous sex with a bunch of guys on a regular basis is a good idea.  If you think you were addicted to sex like you say, I would encourage you to think about returning to your previous behavior of picking up random guys."  It took all of Justin's willpower to stay calm and not confront Brian.  He wanted to tell him that going to a bar would be a really bad idea and that he didn't think it would help his recovery, but he felt that he needed Brian to come to that conclusion on his own. 

Brian listened, nodding his head in understanding.  "I guess going to Babylon to pick up tricks would be like going to a bar.  If I was addicted to sex, I should stay away from places that triggered my addiction."

"Right,"  Justin said, glad that Brian was connecting his behavior to a possible trigger.

"That's the place I hang with the guys, that and Woody's.  That would suck if I could never go back,'  Brian said, the reality of returning back to his previous life finally hitting him.

"Never is a long time,"  Justin said, quoting the familiar cliche.

"You and your PSA's and cliches,"  Brian said as he thought about the idea of never returning to Babylon and Woody's.  "But, Ted and Blake go to both places.  So maybe one day,"  Brian said, wanting Justin to agree that those options weren't off the table. 

"Brian, there are no sobriety police or sex police for that matter.  Only you can decide if it is okay for you to return to your previous activities.  Everybody is different.  There are recovering alcoholics who return to their former activities and never drink and there are those that have to change everything in their lives,"  Justin continued with his soft pedal PSA.

"I guess I'm already doing the latter.  I still hang out with Ted, Blake, and Emmett.  Of course, Mel and Linds are in my life as a result of Gus.  Debbie, too.  The only person I have really stopped seeing is Michael since he can't accept that my life has changed and if he wants to be a part of it, it needs to look different."  Brian looked a little sad at the mention of his former best friend but then realized that it had been Michael's choice to not accept the changes in Brian. 

"Maybe someday I'll go back to Babylon.  Even if I don't I thought you should know about the sex thing.  If you and I move forward with this thing,"  Brian waved his index finger back and forth between the two of them.  "I'm sure that someone will bring up my promiscuity and I didn't want you to be surprised and go running for the hills."

Justin said, "You wanted to tell me about your previous life. I appreciate your candor." He took a sip of his water, not really sure how he felt about Brian's sexual history. 

Brian laughed.  "You sound like a school teacher listening to a student confess he cheated on his math quiz.  ‘I appreciate your candor.' Is that all you really have to say?"  Brian asked, pushing Justin.

"I guess I'm not sure what to say.  You've hinted at the facts, you were very active sexually, but you never really stated what that meant.  I mean 3-4 tricks a day is a lot of sex.  But I also know you're a different person now and judging your old sexual habits is not really a good indication of what you are doing now.  It's like saying I used to drink a fifth of Vodka every day.  Judging you by what you used to drink does not mean that you do it today,'  Justin explained.  

"I guess I felt like you needed to know about my past.  If we continue whatever this is, it's bound to come up.  I mean Ted and Emmett and even Gus' moms all know me as the Liberty Avenue slut.  Ted and Emmett know I haven't been down to Liberty Avenue except to eat at the diner or drop off Gus on Sundays. Mel and Linds, and even Debbie don't necessarily know that I'm not tricking.  All they know is that I don't hit the bars anymore.  They probably assume I'm getting my dick sucked somewhere else,"  Brian admitted, smiling as he thought of one of those memes where you have 4 pictures depicting an event, but only one depicts reality while the other three depict what other people think is happening. 

"I assume that means that you aren't having sex anymore with random strangers?"  Justin asked, feeling like he knew the answer, but wanted to know for sure.

"Yeah, you assume right.  Like I said when we started this, the idea of sex is not really on my radar.  Someday, but not today.  Speaking of sex, what about you?  We always talk about my life, I'd like to learn about you."  Brian said, realizing that he really did want to know more about Justin.  It took him a little by surprise as up to this point most of the conversations were about him. 

"I'm not a virgin if that is what you're asking,"  Justin said, surprised by the question.  He hadn't really expected the question since he and Brian were still getting used to the dating thing.

"I didn't think you were.  I feel your erection when we kiss and while that doesn't mean you're not a virgin, the way you press against me makes me think otherwise.  Besides, I would hate to have to be the one to break you in. Virgins are a lot of work and I tend to stay away from them,"  Brian said as he smelled the chicken cooking in the other room.

"That's interesting.  If I were a virgin, you wouldn't sleep with me?"  Justin asked, clarifying Brian's statement. 

"No, I didn't mean that.  You're different....  I mean... "  Brian stammered and took a deep breath.  "Shit!  When you had sex as often as I did, virgins were an inconvenience.  I mean they didn't know how to give a good blow job.  They cried out when you pushed inside as they weren't used to the burn.  They didn't know what to do with their teeth when they went down on you and then the worst part was the cling factor.  If you take a guy's virginity, especially one that is a little older, it usually meant  he's been holding out for the ‘right guy' and I never had any intention of being the ‘right guy.' "  Brian explained his view, hoping Justin would understand.

"So, you really did think about sex and who you wanted to do.  But if I had said I was a virgin, would that have mattered?'  Justin asked, finding the conversation fascinating.

"I don't think so.  It's different now.  I mean I like being with you and hanging out with you.  You might be the ‘right guy' and that doesn't scare me off like it used to.  If you were a virgin, I wouldn't freak out and we'd work through it.  But I'd like to hear about you."

Justin wasn't sure why he was reluctant to tell Brian, but he took a deep breath and said, "Okay.  Fair is fair.  I realized I liked guys in high school.  I was always drawing pictures of guys.  Hanging out at the football practices and going to swim meets so I could look at their beautiful bodies.  There is nothing quite like a beautiful man.  I had my first crush in high school; captain of the football team.  He didn't notice me at all since I wasn't a jock.  I used to dream about him jerking me off in the equipment locker room or under the bleachers.  But nothing came of it.  My senior year, I decided I needed to have sex.  I wasn't under the illusion that I was going to wait for ‘the right guy'."  Justin took a drink from his water bottle.  For some reason, he felt a little awkward sharing the information.

"So where did you go?"  Brian asked, curious why he didn't remember ever seeing Justin prior to attending AA.  "I would remember if I'd had you before.  I had a no-repeat motto.  Once I had you, I didn't want you again,"  Brian said, sharing his prior motto.

"Didn't you run out of guys?  I mean if you had sex 3-4 times a day... There are only a limited number of gay guys in Pittsburgh,'  Justin asked, finding the whole conversation very enlightening.

"Well,  I only counted those I actually fucked..  I didn't count guys who gave me blow jobs as no repeats.  Then for sure, I'd have run out of guys. I didn't ask for names and usually associated something about the guy with his dick.  After all, I was only interested in getting off.  I couldn't tell you the names of the men.  It just wasn't important."

"So you're saying that if you'd had me before we wouldn't be having this discussion since you'd already done me?" Justin refused to use the word fuck with Brian since he hoped that when they hopefully had sex it would be more than just fucking. 

Brian looked at Justin, realizing the rabbit hole he was quickly falling into.  "Did I have sex with you?"  Brian asked, hoping the answer was no.

"No, you didn't have sex with me, but you didn't answer the question.  If your answer had been yes, what would that mean for our future?"  Justin asked again.  The timer went off in the kitchen.  "I guess we need to take out the chicken, but I need an answer from you."

Brian stood up and waved his hand at Justin to join him in the kitchen.  "Let's get dinner on the table and we'll continue our discussion,"  Brian said, glad for the reprieve, but only because he felt that this was a critical discussion and he wanted to get it right.

Justin nodded in agreement and said, "I'll check the chicken and why don't you check the rice.  Is there lettuce in the fridge?"

"Yeah, I bought lettuce and the French Dressing that you like.  I'll make us a salad, and cut up some cucumbers and tomatoes to throw in.  Why don't we just scoop out the rice from the cooker?"  Brian said, focusing on their dinner rather than trying to formulate an answer to Justin's question.

The two men finished the dinner preparations and plated their food.  They brought their plates to the table and sat down. Brian took a bite of his chicken while Justin started with the salad.  "Thanks for picking up this dressing.  It really is my favorite."

"You're welcome.  I have to thank Gus though as he mentioned that we were running low.  It seems that he likes it too,"  Brian said.

"So back to my question, would you still be interested in having sex with me if you'd already had me in the past?"  Justin asked as he cut a small piece of chicken and then placed it in his mouth.  He knew what he hoped Brian's answer would be, but he was stealing himself for a different response as well.

"Things are different now.  I'm different.  I haven't had sex in over 7 months and I have to say yes.  I would still be willing to have sex with you even if I'd had you in the past.  Like you said earlier, you can't hold it against me that I used to be a sex addict, used to be the operative words here,"  Brian answered.  He had thought about his response and realized that he would still be interested in having sex with Justin and that his no-repeat rule would not apply. 

"Fair enough,"  Justin said, nodding his head in acceptance of Brian's answer.

"But we took a detour.  Finish telling me about your first time and so on.  I assume you weren't just looking for one and done.  Virginity doesn't mean the same thing for gay men."  Brian ate a few bites of salad and looked at Justin expectantly.

"I actually hooked up with a guy at a friend's party.  My best friend in high school was a girl.  We'd grown up together and been friends since kindergarten.  Anyway, she had this party our senior year when her parents were out of town.  There were a lot of people making out, but they were all girls and guys.  This guy looked at me and my gaydar pinged loud and clear.  We found a bedroom that was empty.  Most of the couples weren't doing anything but kissing and stuff, but I wanted more. It seemed like the perfect time.  It was at my best friend's house, my parents weren't going to find out and no one would bother us if we went to a bedroom.  Anyway, that was my first time."  Justin laughed as he remembered their awkward fumbling and fallout from the tryst.

"Any relationships?  I mean.... We've been talking about relationships and as I've told you I have zero experience in that department, much less even dating.  Hopefully, you have a little more experience in that area,"  Brian asked, realizing that he hoped that Justin had a better road map than he did. "I'm hoping the answer is yes.  At least you would know what didn't work for you and you could help guide me."

"Relationships are unique, Brian.  Telling you about why I broke up with someone doesn't help.  Well, I guess it could help me narrow down what I don't want but real relationships are not some magical formula where you plug in x and y and get the right answer.  Besides, you are not the same person you were 7 months ago.  You've said yourself that you never really thought about a relationship until recently. What didn't work for me in the past may not even be an issue for the two of us,'  Justin explained his philosophy.  He took another drink of water and ate a few bites of his salad and chicken.  "The chicken turned out really moist."

"But in answer to your question, I had a few boyfriends.  The last guy I was with was someone I used to drink with.  Well get drunk, is a better description.  We'd hook up after work, his job- not mine.  He'd bitch and moan about his boss, his co-workers, and his life in general, and then we'd get drunk.  After several hours at the bar, we'd head to his apartment and have sex, but since we were drunk most of the time, I think the sex was pretty shitty.  I'm surprised you were able to have sex as often as you did since when he was drunk he often had a hard time staying hard,"  Justin said, recalling the many times he was frustrated since Joe couldn't stay hard.

"I'll have you know the legendary ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue' did not have problems staying hard, no matter how much booze or drugs I took,"  Brian said proudly.  

Justin smiled but didn't take Brian's bait, choosing to ignore Brian's claims.  He didn't doubt Brian, but since he hoped those days were over for Brian, he didn't feel the need to encourage Brian to think about his past sexual prowess.  He hoped that one day he might experience Brian's prowess in bed.

"Anyway, that only lasted a few months.  I got tired of listening to his griping.  Before that, I dated a few guys.  I think the longest time was six months.  That guy broke up with me because he got tired of me painting all hours of the day and night.  Seems that he didn't understand that inspiration and the need to create doesn't always fall during 9-5,"  Justin said, sharing some of his recent dating experiments.

"So, neither of us is an expert at this shit!."  Brian said.  ‘Is that why they tell you to wait a year when you're attending AA?  I mean, they want you to study relationships or something?"

"No.  No one is expecting that.  Dating is filled with all kinds of expectations; some you put on yourself to ‘get it right'  and others people put on you.  When your only experience in relationships comes from Romcom movies and tv shows, the reality and messiness of a real relationship often pale in comparison.  Then there are the other concerns when you're still trying to navigate sobriety and rebuild your life.  You have enough on your plate to figure out who Brian is, much less figure out what a relationship looks like.  Trying to do too many things at once doesn't end up well."

Justin reached for Brian's hand, placing it under his own. "Talking about stuff like past sexual partners and dating is all part of the dating process.  While no one has a syllabus about dating, a lot of the early ‘dates' are spent getting to know the other person.  While we spent a lot of time talking about you and sobriety, we are just now learning about each other,"  Justin said, giving Brian's hand a gentle squeeze.  "The first step is sexual attraction.  Well, I think it is the first step since if someone isn't attracted to another person in a sexual way, then the relationship doesn't typically ever start."

Justin licked his lips as he thought of their initial kiss and the subsequent kisses they shared in the past month.  "We got that covered if our make-out sessions are any indication.  But now, we have to go deeper.  You need to get to know me and I get to know you."

"But we already spend a ton of time together and you hang out with me every day.  We spend almost all of our weekends together too,"  Brian said, not really getting Justin's statement.

"We do.  And you could say that we have been dating for a long time.  We obviously like hanging out with each other or we wouldn't be having dinner every night together.  But, dating is different.  Most of the time we have gotten together, we've been concentrating on your sobriety.  That's how it should have been and why I told you I couldn't be your sponsor anymore.  I would have never asked about your sex life as your sponsor, but as a person who is starting a relationship with you, it is an important topic to discuss."  Justin stopped talking, wanting Brian to take in his explanation before continuing.  He finished the last of his salad and swirled the last piece of chicken in the sauce on his plate while he waited.

"Are there other topics that we have to talk about?  I mean should we be having these types of conversations all the time?"  Brian asked, trying to fit dating into a regimen he followed at the gym.

"Brian, there are all kinds of things to talk about; some are just for fun and others are serious.  I already know you didn't have many hobbies before you stopped drinking and that is what started our relationship.  But we could talk about our families, our day to day activities and how they impact us, our co-workers, mutual friend's lives as well as lives of our other friends, our goals for our careers, our goals as a couple, what we like to do on vacation and even if we like to vacation.  We could talk about marriage, monogamy, and kids.  We could talk about where we want to live and what is important in a home- things like living in the city or in the burbs, amenities we think are important, and how much to spend.  People talk about all kinds of things and some of them are critical deal-breakers while others are something you and I might agree to disagree on and we don't talk about after the initial discussion,"  Justin said.  He had only mentioned some critical areas but knew there were so many more things to discuss.

"Shit. It'd take hours to cover all that.  Do people really sit down and discuss every little detail when they are dating?  No wonder I've never dated,"  Brian said.  As soon as he said that he said, "Wait.  I didn't mean that.....I mean I still want to explore us, just that I had no idea all that was involved,  Can't we just hang out and not bother with all that other crap.?"

Justin sat quietly for a few moments before answering.  "Brian, I like you.  I like you a lot and I want to see where this relationship goes.  However, if talking about this stuff freaks you out or you don't want to do it, then I think it would be best if we stopped now.  I've got lots of friends, but I was hoping we could be more than friends."

Brian hadn't expected that response and wasn't used to being given ultimatums.  He thought about what Justin said, but didn't spend very much time before he responded.   "Justin, I said I want to explore us and I haven't changed my mind.  As I said, I'm new at all this.  I don't know why I said that since I have never felt uncomfortable talking to you.  I guess, it just took me by surprise.  I'm still willing if you are," Brian said, hoping that Justin was still willing to explore their relationship.

"I'm willing.  But, Brian, if you ever change your mind about us, I would still be your friend,"  Justin said, hoping that Brian would still want his friendship.

"Good.  I think that is enough talking for one night.  After all, all talk and no play makes Brian a dull boy,"  Brian said, quoting the familiar line.  He stood up and took his plate to the kitchen and began putting the leftovers away. 

Justin followed him and brought his plate to the kitchen and placed it in the dishwasher.  He helped Brian put away the leftovers and clean the counters.  When they were done, they returned to the living room.

"I think it's time to explore that beautiful mouth of yours. Come over here,"  Brian said as he patted the cushion next to him.  Justin joined Brian on the couch and they made out for a while.

TBC